|
He's poly but we're in a monogamous relationship. Help!
My boyfriend and I have been together about a year. We live together and are planning to get married. When I first met him, we were aiming for something casual, as we'd both gotten out of relationships. Therefore, when he said he was poly, it didnt bother me - I didnt want anything from him but the obvious.
However, we both developed very strong feelings for each other and began to struggle with the inevitable issue. He identified as poly, and I'm hardwired monogamous.
We tried to make compromises between the two, and though he didnt meet anyone, the door was potentially open, in some regards. But not open enough, so one night we had a massive fight and things almost ended.
I agreed to try and work with him on this. He still didnt meet anyone and it was obvious I was devestated. I didnt try to make him feel bad, but I was depressed, and had some pretty massive doubts about the relationship for I was relatively sure I couldnt survive in a poly relationship forever.
As it is, it didnt come up, and eventually he offered me monogamy. Which I gladly took.
In a lot of ways, he seems more geared towards it. He cant stand other guys showing interest in me, he loves being the one person I'm with, me being "his" and all of the things monogamous people feel. I am bisexual, however, and he is far more okay with the concept of that - in an ideal world, I'm sure he'd have me date a girl, and him date one too.
Most guys are naturally more polygamous, and most girls are naturally more monogamous, according to psychological studies, so this is normal.
He's seemed perfectly happy with a mono relationship, and lately we are discussing engagement and marraige, looking at rings, etc.
It was almost all but forgotten, us in a very happy relationship.
However, literally by accident, I saw one day that he looks at w4m casual encounters on craigslist online. This concerns me, because before me I know he had replied to ads like that. I quickly became very nervous, and though I know this is wrong, checked his internet history. It was filled with porn and w4m sites. I checked his email, and there was no suggestion he had replied to any of them, though obviously there is no way I could know that for sure.
I apologized to him for looking and explained how this made me feel. He told me that it was like porn, that it was harmless, but that he'd try to stay away from sites such as that.
However, I can't explain it, but with classes about to start up again (I'm 23 and in university) alongside full time work, for the first time in our relationship I will not be around as much.
About a week or two after what I found, I found myself stressing out, and doubting, and being overwhelmed by fear. Eventually the temptation became too strong, and I thought I'd just peek, real quick. Which I did, and sure enough, the day before, hours of w4m posts.
I became upset, and told him I looked. He was angry (justifiably) and said that I didnt trust him.
I guess, in a way thats true. I believe that people lie when it comes to getting what they want, and more than trust, I didnt believe that it meant nothing that he looks at this. It meant something.
I asked, and he said that he dosent like monogamy. That he would never cheat on me, but sometimes he'll look. Just look. That he fights for us everyday, fights against himself, and in some way resents me for holding him back from other relationships. That every day he chooses me.
I asked him if a day would ever come that he wouldnt choose me, and he said he didnt know how to answer that question. I said "You just did."
Flash back to months and months ago, I distinctly remember him saying "Its a sacrifice I'm happy to make." But that dosent seem true.
My question is this. Are we doomed? Don't jump to the negative, just consider this. What can I do, what can he, and are we just doomed as a couple? Can we get past this or should I stop this, now, before we're married?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
It's a bit like saying 'He's gay but we're in a straight relationship'.
Sure, people can choose things they know are not the ideal for them. They can even devote themselves fully to living lives they are know are not their best case situation. There are lots of reasons someone might do that - and even do it successfully for their entire life! - not the least of which, they may genuinely love and wish to be with someone who can't share in their preferred type of relationship.
Without being a too much of a cynic, I have to ask you:
Can you get past this?
You’ve already answered this question. You say you are hardwired for monogamy. You have been, and likely still are, convinced you cannot live in a poly relationship forever. You aren’t trying to ‘get past’ this. You are sticking it out hoping he’ll change - or at least stay the same and not get any ‘worse’.
Can he get past this?
You’ve got the answer to this as well. He truly doesn’t think he should have too. He has no hope of you changing your mind, and perhaps sometimes he even hopes he can ‘get past’ the poly. He think white lies about his porn habits are justifiable when he it’s all he’s got and if that keeps him otherwise loyal to you. As messed up as that is, it is also him making a real effort to exist in a way that keeps the relationship alive without crushing his vision of himself and his preferred way of living. In the long run though, if he doesn’t change his mind he is going to come to the same conclusion about monogamy as you did about poly -- He won’t be able to live this way forever.
So can you get past this together? Probably not.
I have a lot of respect for you, at such a young age and in such a serious relationship, that you’ve been able to stand up for what you need and want, but here’s the rub: If you really want this relationship, and eventual marriage to last, one of you is going to have to change their mind. Genuinely, and truly, change the way you perceive relationship and romantic love.
Is it going to be you?
If not. Walk away, right now. ‘Cause it’s not kind or respectful to demand it be him and despite his efforts, it’s very unlikely he is going to change his mind. Even if it were likely, it’s a fair demand to make of yourself, it’s not fair to demand it of another person.
It’s probably over. You know it. He knows it.
This guy isn't jerking you around. He said "It’s a sacrifice I'm happy to make." and it was probably true. But forever is a long time. Things don’t stay exactly the same forever. We can’t promise to stay happy forever.
It’s the same reason you shouldn’t punish him for refusing to say “There will never be a day when I wouldn’t choose you.” That’s an unrealistic request from the best relationship. The VAST majority of people, poly or not, during the course of a life-long relationship, fail in some way. Many never cheat but fail in their devotion in other ways, many cheat once and never again, some fail over and over again, and some of their marriage last, and some don’t.
If you want to work on mind changing - for yourself - take your boy and see a sex-positive relationship therapist. Talk it out with a mediator. Make sure you understand each other and both have a space and time where you can speak honestly and ask the questions you need too. You are at the point, where you either do that, with the true desire to find compromises that work and recognize that the same compromises may not work forever (like they didn’t for you before, and don’t for him now), or you end it.
]
You need to call it quits.
Honestly, truthfully, from deep down in your heart...you know this is not going to work out.
The guy needs to be able to devote himself to you.
He needs to be able to say, "I love you, and I'm going to do what it takes to keep you."
He has clearly explained multiple times that he cannot do this. He cannot devote himself to you. He cannot give you his heart. He wants more.
Sure, looking at things like this is alright. A guy can read about how a woman is so hot and turned on so that he can have a little mental fantasy going on. Okay. That is understandable.
You made it clear that you're uncomfortable with it. He made it clear that he could understand that and he would avoid such things. He didn't. He lied. That's the issue with that.
What you want is absolutely not out of line. Poly relationships are extremely complicated and there is a huge percentage of couples that will break from each other because of these complications.
He's is a different place than you are.
It isn't because he's a man.
My guy has a penis. If you asked him if he wanted to be with other women, I assure you he wouldn't say, "Yeah!" If I asked him if we could be in an open relationships, I am fully sure he wouldn't go for it. I know because we've had this basic discussion. It's important to know these things because it means compatibility...or not.
This goes for majority of the men I've known. Sure, some might toy with the idea of having a threesome with their lady, but, as far as having an open relationship...no. Please know that wanting to be in a poly situation isn't because he's a man.
One person is not going to satisfy him. It's beyond your ability. There isn't anything you can do. You know, in your heart, that if you throw the doors wide open then you are going to be unhappy.
You can only sacrifice so much happiness in a relationship before it's just pure torture.
You may love him.
He may love you.
It just isn't right.
He wants something that you cannot give.
You want something that he, apparently, cannot give.
This particular thing is a huge deal. You know it. Maybe he doesn't realize it. But it's what makes or breaks a relationship.
I wouldn't go any further with this man. I'd call it quits, to be quite honest. You're not on the same level here. He will never be satisfied unless you're dissatisfied. He will always be left wondering of how things could have been. You will always be left wondering if you can truly make him happy. He will want more. You will not want that. He will push occasionally, you will fear he is being deceptive or will go elsewhere. It's complicated, you see.
The issue isn't something minor like, "Do you want to live in the green house...or the blue one?"
"Do you want a dog or a cat?"
We're talking:
Do you want to devote yourself to me...or not?
He's choosing no.
Listen to him.
He's being loud and clear.
You need to listen. You need to say, "Hey, I love you, and I know you care a lot about me...but this...this isn't doable for me, for us, and we both deserve happiness."
]
More Questions: |