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Dating a Workaholic
My girlfriend and I have been best friends from a young age. After a few dating fiascos on both our parts, we realized that we wanted to be with each other. We are 6 months into our relationship and we both couldn’t be happier…except for one thing. She works at a job which keeps her extremely busy for about 5 months in the year. During this time she gets some evenings off every other week, and about one weekend off a month. I’m at the point where I love her so much that I want to spend every second I get with her, but my 40 hour a week schedule doesn’t match up with her 95 hour a week schedule. I find myself getting frustrated with the lack of time I spend with her, and the lack of physical and emotional connection I feel with her working constantly. We spend less time together, talk/text less, and our sex life is pretty infrequent. I can’t be in a relationship that is like this nearly 50% of the year.
With how hard she works, she has been getting praises from her bosses, saying she can go anywhere within the company. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for her and her career. But because of this, her talk of possibly finding something else has changed to talking about staying for several more years. What’s worse is the fact that this is very close to her dream job, and what she went to school for. The time I get to see her, my frustration goes away, but then when she’s away I hardly feel like I’m in a relationship.
How do I bring up just how dissatisfied I am with her schedule? This is literally the only thing wrong in our relationship. I feel like bringing it up at all would push her away from me. I will be the one telling her that she shouldn’t pursue her dream, and getting out would inhibit her career. How can I effectively talk to her about and maybe even fix the situation?
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Got to let her go, dude. At this stage of her life she feels the need to set up her future by working her ass off. I personally think people who work those hours are bloody insane. I did it for a week once when I was just out of my teens and I thought I was going to drop dead.
You can sabotage her future by putting pressure on her to change her routine. She will basically be caught between the hammer and the anvil. So don't do it. I'm sure she is a great chick, but if she pulls back and retards her career prospects and stays with you in the meantime, she may resent it.
Look, women are security driven. She sees putting in all these hours as a way to build sweat equity and a reputation to assure her future. You are not going to overcome that. So you can either accept things as they are now and for at least the near term or you have to leave.
And look at the sexual deprivation as a preview for after she has kids. Your needs will not trump those of the children to any woman.
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There is absolutely no reason why you should keep your feelings inside. You are a person with real feelings that deserve to be addressed. It sounds like you have invested a lot of time and emotion into such a wonderful girl. However, you must remember that this wonderful girl had dreams, goals, and inspirations set for herself which I'm sure is part of the reason you are so attracted to her. So, I think the best way to approach the situation is to find a time when you both can give 100% into the conversation and then you start off by telling her how proud you are of her and what a great job she is doing and express how happy you are that she is able to have a career that she enjoys because the majority of us never get that opportunity. Then you tell her how much you love her and how every moment without her feels like an eternity. If she expresses the same feelings for you after pouring your heart out then you can get a feel of what to say from there.
I would assume she will feel the same as you so once she makes her feelings clear I would tell her that you really want to move forward with the relationship and with her forever is where you want to be. If forever is how she feels as well then you can address the strain her work schedule is having on your relationship. But, please don't make her feel like she must choose between her career and your relationship. If the conversation ever leans that direction quickly pull it away and let her know that you are very happy for her and would never want to change that. But, suggest that if at all possible she cut back on some hours. I have no idea how she will respond but lets say she is completely against the idea. I think the best thing for you to do is get involved with other activities that fullfill your dreams and goals. I suggest that you please do not put your main focus on her if she is not willing to dedicate more time for you. You matter, and just because she has a wonderful job doesn't minimize your worth or take from the love you have to give. Look at it this way we as human beings can be "selfish". She may feel that she worked so hard to get where she is there's no way she's going to let anyone stand in her way. It sounds like she is almost addicted to work. And many people are and my guess is she is not going to change. So, you are probably going to have to accept her long hours. My question for you is this. You say there are no other problems in your relationship. However, because you spend very little time together is it possible you just may not have as much in common as you may think. I bet when you all do get together it's more like a vacation. It's all fun and a lot of sex but you never see the real her day in and day out. Do you think if you were to focus more on your own happiness and the things you like to do you will have less time to worry about not seeing her? My other question do you think it at all possible she is not working as much as she says but is actually seeing someone else. The reason I ask is because you say everything has become lessoned. Talk, text, and sex. If someone wants to make it work they will you know what I mean? I think once you tell her how you feel you will get a pretty good idea of where her head is. If she makes more time for you then thats a great thing but if she does not you might want to let her know that you are looking for more in a relationship and then open yourself up to someone else. Someone who appreciates the great person you are and the love and dedication you have to give. You deserve to be happy. Don't let the actions of others dictate your happiness. You are someone wonderful and if she can't see that or if work is just that much more important that you know where you stand. Please don't spend your life unhappy waiting on her. Life is too short for that and there are so many other people out there to enjoy life with.
I hope this helps at all and I wish you the best. I'm so sorry love can't be easier :(
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Her work schedule is not The Problem in your relationship.
The problem in your relationship is that you are feeling disconnected and distant from her.
That’s not your fault, but it’s also not fair, or respectful, to blame that solely on her workload, or to pretend (and yes - it IS pretending) that if she only worked less you would automatically feel better.
Diagnosing the problems of the relationship takes two people - You only get to label your problems and feelings - not hers and not the relationships. It’s not fair to approach any conversation with your partner assuming you already have found the ONE problem and know the ONE solution. (ie, You Work too much. Work less and we’ll be better). That’s a path straight down deal breaker lane.
I'm not saying you're a bad person for feeling this way -- you most certainly aren't, but if you want to speak to her effectively, you need to come at it from a position where you label your OWN feelings, not one where you assume you’ve got her, and the situation, all figured out.
If you are only willing to label her ‘work schedule’ as the problem, then you are automatically rejecting a value she has expressed AND worse, you are closing the door to many other possible solutions to your feeling of disconnection (i.e., the real problem). If her work-schedule is your ‘only problem’ then you are limiting yourself to an ‘only solution’.
So, how to do you start? You tell her honestly.
“I’m feeling disconnected. I love you but we’re very distant right now. Can we think together of some things we can do to renew our bond?”
Come to it the conversations with some suggestions that seem manageable to you, even ones that would require her to work less. Ask about ways to scheduled date nights, or lunches together. Make sure she is aware of how important this is to you, and just howdissatisfied and unhappy you are, but don’t tell her what to do about your unhappiness ("You should work less!") instead, have some ideas of what you might do together (‘If you are out too late to call, can you write a letter on your lunch of after work? And I could respond in the morning’ ‘Are there work functions I can join you at? Even as a volunteer’ ‘Can you arrange to have a scheduled time each week off’). Get creative, and if she feels her schedule is the part of the problem, let her suggest how she might address it. Make sure she appreciates what a great hurdle this disconnection is for you, and how much it upsets you. The goal is to work out solutions together, not to tell her what you think the solution should be.
Change your goal: Your goal is not to ‘fix her schedule’. Your goal is to feel more connected.
If you tell her “I think your schedule is the problem.” She may honestly answers “Well, I don’t think it’s the problem.”
If you tell her “I have a problem and it's effecting my ability to be in this relationship, and I love you and want to work with to solve it.” You are in a much better, communicative and respectful place.
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I understand that this is hard on you... it is not easy to have a good relationship without being able to communicate often.. And if this is her dream job she may always be gone like this... If it bothers you that much you should definatly try to find the time to sit down and talk to her about it, explain that this is hard on you and you want to stay in ther relationship remind her that you love her and she is not doing anything wrong you just miss her, she may even consider cutting back on hours for work... I know its hard and it may not seem fair but she is just trying to make a good life doing what she loves but youre right you also need time and attention if you want to have a happy and healthy relationship... if this were me I would find some time take her out to dinner or somewhere you can be alone and just talk let her know how you feel dont be afraid to show emotion dont get angry or feel frustrated as you are talking to her tell her you love her and you need her, and ask her if there is any way that she can cut back a few hours a week... remind her that you are not trying to take her dream from her all you want is a little more time with her.. I wish you all the best good luck
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Is there some reason that you can't move in together? She may be gone all the time but at least you would get to sleep together every night. There are some things you can do for her that may free up a little time if you're living together also. The job situation probably won't last forever and I'm sure the payoff will be worth the wait for her. I wouldn't recommend having her choose between her job and you because that isn't fair for her but if you want to express your love for her and ask for an extra hour once in a while, you would be so grateful. I hope this helps and good luck.
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This is somewhat of a unique question in that it is the male asking rather than the female asking the question. Then again this is the state of the time we find ourselves in.
I know your frustrated and your lonely for the women you have come to love and desire. Before you do something you will live to regret I am going to ask you to do something. I am going to ask you to put yourself in her shoes for a moment.
What if it where her writing to me about you working 95 hours a week for half a year? What if it was she who is telling me all of these things that you are telling me? What would you like me to tell her? Better yet what would you do if she came to you and said these things to you?
It is not my place to tell you how or what to do in this instance. For no matter what I say, even if I'm right in what I say, I'm going to be wrong.
The only advise I can offer is like I said; put yourself in her shoes and think what it would be like for you to hear her saying this to you. Then think of away to approach her and tell her how you feel.
If you see yourselves making a life together then you will always need to find away to compromise. While you are telling her how proud you are of her success are you also telling her how lonely her success is making you. It is important in any successful relationship to communicate openly. If you are saying one thing and not another than you are not being totally open and cannot blame the other if they don't see or hear you.
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