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humorist-workshop
Needing some opinions
I'm 31 years old and I've been married for about three years. As of late I've been getting the feeling that my girlfriends do not care for my husband to tag along when we go out. Before I was married I went out with my four best girlfriends once in awhile to a club to dance or a bar to have a few drinks, talk, and catch up on the latest news. However, since getting married and having three children we rarely have time to go out but when we do we enjoy going out together. Both my husband and myself are very secure people, in that we are not jealous of our interactions with the opposite sex or what have you, but we just want to spend what little time we have together TOGETHER. Our marriage is fairly new and we haven't grown tired of one another and it's a wonderful feeling but as of late my friends don't seem to understand why I can't come out alone. I've tried expalining to them that although we are secure in our marriage we don't feel it's appropriate to go to clubs without the other spouse. Generally clubs are for meeting people, socializing, dancing, and drinking so it's best that we go together. My friends refuse to accept my position but I don't feel their attitude is right because none of them are married and they can not appreciate my situation and have joy that my marriage is going well. As hard as marriage can be it frustrates me that they have no consideration for me in that regard.
I'd love to get some opinions and also feedback if any of you have had a similar issue.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
You are right, and you are also completely wrong.
It is perfectly right and fair to not want to go a club. Even if you were not married - even if you simple didn't like clubs, it's fine to have an opinion and a preference about how you spend your time.
However, if you value your friendship with these women, you must be willing to make time for their friendship – probably without your husband tagging along.
When you begin to say "Well none of your is married so you don't understand" you are being as inconsiderate as they are – that is unkind and belittling. They 'understand' just fine - they simply disagree, and desire your company.
Being a friend means making time for friendship - just like being married means making time for your partner! It’s a lot of priorities to manage of course, and if you don't wish to invest time into these friendships any longer, that’s fine.
But if you do want these friendships to continue, you are going to have to put in some time and effort to make that happen. If you wish to engage in other activities with these friends, then you need to spearhead those plans and invite your friends along. Don't expect a larger group to change their culture and plans just because a single member’s tastes and opinions have changed – group dynamics don’t work that way. Instead, design a get together for the girls that you feel comfortable participating in. Pick a spot that is more mature and will have less of a pick up culture. A music venue where the performers are more of the focus. A spa afternoon or seesh, go bowling. And yes, leave the hubby at home more often than not.
If your friends are expecting you to tag along exactly the same way you did when you were single, that is not right of them, but you are also making a mistake if you think that the group will welcome your husband to tag along at every event and tailor all activities to your liking. You are free to go out with them or not, but if you want to maintain your connection with them, you are going to have to put some effort into creating evenings you can all enjoy – and yes, that is probably going to mean leaving your husband out of the mix.
If you don’t wish to leave your husband at home, and don’t want to invest the added time and energy into adapting these friendships and nurturing your connection with these women, then end the friendships. It’s perfectly okay to change and drift away from people – but it’s not all their fault – time just changes people. Either let it happen, or make a real effort to foster the friendships in ways that work for you.
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