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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
a butch looking woman was looking at me. What are some reasons why a lesbian would stare at a guy?
The Answer
Because he had something stuck in his teeth?
There are so many possible reasons it's almost absurd to speculate.
It's really only rational and respectful to assume it was not sexual in nature. It's more likely she liked your clothes or something inane like that.
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The Question
Theres a girl I work with for a year and a half and that whole time she had a boyfriend (they were together for 3.5 years) until they broke up two months ago (they both decided to end the relationship together and overall had a "nice" and mutual breakup). I never thought of her as a girlfriend material and always saw her as a good friend, but for the past three-four weeks we started to get closer, phone calls, text messages etc and last week it really seemed like she had something for me - came to seat with me more, flirting, touches etc, it came to a point where people started asking if there is something going on between us and that I should make a move...(for the recored, I would date her if given the option).
Yesterday I caught her for a talk and asked her if what I see is true and if she wants to "take it a step forward". Well, she said that she doesn't want any relationships with anyone right now and that "there have only been 2 months since the breakup", I asked her if she still has feelings for her ex, she said yes, so I asked if she would get back with him if she could, then she said "yes, but he wouldn't..."
So, What the f**k?! I understand you had a 3.5 year relationship, but common, that dude obviously doesn't want you back (he's really nothing special at all and to be frank he is **a bit** ugly, I don't know what she found in him in the first place, but thats non of my business), and you have this opportunity now, why not jump on it? Her answer doesn't have any influence on me except for a "wtf is wrong with you" reaction, I told her it doesn't change a thing and we're still gonna stay good friends (although it seems that what I said [I think] had some influence on her because she doesn't act like a week ago for example, but we still talk normally etc), but hey, I really don't understand this, enlighten me...
The Answer
This isn't a 'girl' thing.
This is a human being thing.
Human beings have feelings. They aren't always rational and they don't always lead us in the best direction, but we have them and it's always better when we don't pretend they don't exist.
You must respect her feelings, and what she says to you, if you want to have any sort of friendship with her, let alone anything more.
She says she isn't ready for a relationship and that she still has feelings for her ex and your response is to say that that answer isn't good enough, has no 'influence on you' and to think there is something wrong with her.
Do you realize how arrogant and disrespectful that is? Someone you like shared something personal and honest with you and your response is to judge them this harshly?
Chill out. If you like the girl, respect her enough to believe that she knows what she is and isn't feeling and that she is capable of making good choices for herself.
You don't need to be 'enlightened' you just need to take a moment, stop being so judgemental, and actually put yourself in another human beings shoes.
If you don't like her choices and her honest feelings at the moment, maybe she isn't a good match for you, but if you can't respect her choices and honesty then you aren't even a worthy friend for her.
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The Question
I know I'm young (16) but I've been curious about "the one" lately, and I have a few personal questions to ask.
What is "the one" to you? (If you're married now, how did you know your spouse was the one?)
How long did it take to realize it? Is three months enough if you've known the person for a long time but have only been together for three months?
I spend all my time with my boyfriend. He's very responsible, very neat and organized, smart, and good with children. I am around him so much that I see him in several situations, like grocery shopping and decision making and all the so-called important things in life. Not only do I feel like he could be the one, but we have such an amazing bond. Our trust is so strong and we're best friends: telling each other everything, sleeping over at each other's houses, etc. But we've only been dating for three months. He talks about the future subtly, and he says he won't leave unless I say the word. Am I just insanely infatuated or could he be the one? He's 17.
The Answer
You don't.
The One isn't a person - it's an idea.
Some people will be very angry at me saying this, but there is no such thing as The One. It's just a story we tell ourselves.
Stories are important and powerful, but they aren't necessarily true. The truth is that there are many people out there we can be in relationships with. Some relationship might be better than others, but there are many people out there that each of us might end up with.
"The One" is about making a choice, and continuing to make that choice every day, about who you want to be with in the world.
You ARE insanely infatuated! You are 16 and you've dated this guy for three months! You should be infatuated. That doesn't mean he's not The One, and it doesn't mean he is The One either.
Don’t go looking for “The One”. Remember that love isn’t just a feeling, it’s a choice about how to treat another person, and it’s okay to change your mind. Right now, focus on making good choices in your life. Seems like you know you’re off to a good start with this guy. Just keep that up for a while.
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The Question
I will try to make things as short as I can. My ex boyfriend and I went out for only about a month and a half. I believe the reason why things didn't work out was because we both wanted different things in a relationship. He wasn't the type to open up and let you in. He had walls all around him. Eventually I grew tired of trying to get through to him and we both decided to call it off. The thing with him is that he's very well known in my community and a lot of my friends know him. He is one of those good looking boys that has girls crushing on him from left to right. There's this one girl that he's friends with, that I know. She has a boyfriend, who's my cousin. My cousin usually gets suspicious of how close they act but he always says he trusts her. My ex and the girl say they are just friends and I believe them. They might secretly crush on each other but they know their limitations. Anyway, yesterday was the girl's birthday and my ex gave her a heart necklace. This upset me because the necklace looks just like the one he gave me, except we were together at the time. The thing is, they are supposedly just friends. He stayed up until 3:15 in the morning to tell her Happy Birthday. Isn't that a little overly friendly? I don't think I am jealous, but I am a little hurt at the fact that, I tried to long to get through to him and I guess I feel a little betrayed by the whole necklace thing. What do you guys think?
The Answer
The very definition of jealousy is "Fearful or wary of being supplanted; apprehensive of losing affection or position."
What you’ve described is jealousy, and that's okay. You are feeling replaced and betrayed. You’ve lost your position with him, and it appears to you like someone else has that position now. Even if she didn’t have a boyfriend, it would feel icky. It's okay to be mad and hurt when an ex shows preference to someone else. It's okay to be jealous. We feel what we feel and that's okay.
However, it's not fair to judge or behave badly, and it doesn't mean you deserve an explanation or apology from him, or that he is doing anything wrong. He might be doing something wrong, but you can't, don't and might never know for sure. He’s your ex - so you don’t get to know what’s going on anymore.
You don't have the right to judge, or be cruel, or to gossip. Being jealous, mad or hurt, are things you can't help and are okay things to feel. Just don't pretending that feeling something gives you a right to behave badly. Go ahead and be angry. Choose not to be his friend, or to talk to him anymore. But remember that being angry doesn’t mean its okay to be mean.
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The Question
okay so i see your point on how being a virgin means you cant do it up the butt. Consider this though, you can get an STD by just having him rub his dick against your vagina withough inserting it into the vagina or butt. So i consider being a virgin if you have sex in the vagina because if the reason for sex is to have kids and by your definition of sex (doing it in the butt or vagina) then technically you can get pregnant in the butt? no you cant so technically losing your virginity is having sex in the vagina not butt, because you cant get pregnant by doing it in the butt.
The Answer
Look at this way.
Imagine you were dating a guy and he told you he was a virgin.
Then, a few months later he tells you that he had anal sex with two girls, and he rubbed himself against their vagina.
Would you feel lied too?
I would. I would feel like he had actively tried to deceive me by calling himself a 'virgin' when he was clearly VERY sexually experienced, and he had exposed himself to both STDs and a small risk of pregnancy. (Anal Sex DOES include a small risk for pregnancy - it leaks. And the genital rubbing also include a risk of pregnancy. Although the risks are less than normal vaginal intercourse, they still exist. It is still SEX.)
Words have meaning so we can express ourselves to others, and be understood. If you’ve engaged in anal sex and rubbing like you’ve described here, and tell future partners you’re a virgin, that is NOT honest expression of your experience. That word will not be properly understood by others.
You might call yourself a virgin. You might feel you are still are technically a virgin after those acts. But you have a responsibility to be honest with your future sex partners about what your experiences have been. Calling yourself a ‘virgin’ would not be an honest reflection of your experiences if you have had anal sex and engaged in the other sex acts you’ve described here.
Stop trying to label ‘virgin’ or ‘not virgin’. Stop obsessing over the technicality. Just BE HONEST with yourself, and those who deserve to know your past experiences.
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The Question
Hey!
So ive always had a dream to become a fashion designer since i were a little girl,but ive never really had the chance to apply to fashion school yet.So now ive finally got the chance!Ive been accepted into this "design a wedding dress" competition and ive got about 200 something likes on facebook so far and its only my third day!But,i need more votes!So my question is,if you guys think my dress is pretty,would you please help me by hitting Like at the picture??Please help me fulfill my dream =(
Thanks
The Answer
This is not an advice question. It's spam, it's rude, and it's against the rules of this site to engage in this sort of self-promotion.
Good luck with your contest, but stop promoting yourself here. It's not what this site is for.
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The Question
I guess specifically I need him to break up with her or something. I need some sort of satisfaction from it. Call it messed up, but this isn't "opinionators".
I've looked at articles with this title, and I know how to play hard to get. (if he didn't have a girlfriend this would be easy)
I wanted to ask for advice in the same way the articles did, but I wanna specify my situation for better help.
I'm 17, good looking, and I have confidence.
I'm not good with guys who have been in a relationship.
My situation is that we're coworkers.(don't judge)
I'm pretty interested, actually. He's really funny and I'm attracted to him. We are friends but not close. (in other words, we don't have eachother's numbers or socialize outside of work.)
ps, this is just a fast food job.
I don't like him or have a crush on him.
I want to know how to win this situation before I get involved in it.
Please give me some advice, but not if you're too opinionated in the moral of relationships.
Thanks. :)
The Answer
Most guys actually like nice people.
A good way to convince someone you are a nice person would be not trying to fuck up thier relationship for kicks.
You want advice:
Don't be a malicious underhanded child who finds delight in other people's unhappiness and powertrips on thier misery.
Most people (including guys in a relationship) are turned off by girls who behave like manipulative bitches.
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The Question
Dont youg guys think that girls who do witchcraft on their boyfriend to keep them to their side are a litle bit imature?
The Answer
I would bet young guys would be more offended than anything else. Offended that a girl would attempt to control them with ‘spells’, and a little worried if she actually thinks they work.
So yes. That is immature and delusional behaviour.
Even if I believed in spells or in prayer, neither spells nor prayers override the free will of other human beings. To do so would be blatantly evil. It would be brainwashing and puppetmastery. That is 100% EVIL.
At best, saying little spells to keep a boyfriend is harmless entertainment. At worse, it's a failure to recognize and respect a guy’s ability to choose freely for himself.
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The Question
I'm female. When I Was 20 years old I gave a married man a handjob. I also made out with him and got naked with him... I didnt give him oral but before he came I did bend over to swallow it so it wouldnt make a mess... I ended up not swallowing it because it tasted funny but still...
He fingered me, ate me out and placed his dick on my pussy, rubbing it and all that but he never put it in.
I would never normally do anything like this with someone who is married but he told me that his wife and him are more like best friends. Neither wanted marriage in their life but there was still a connection between them so they married anyway. She prefers sex with women over men so they have an open relationship where they are allowed to do such things.
Assuming he was telling the truth does this mean I committed adultry? I was not the one cheating, but I did know he was married and for all I know he was lying to me.
I am a mormon so if your mormon I would really like your advice, if your not I still want it and would apprecitae it greatly. I dont want my religion to be an indicator though if you dont actually know anything about the LDS religion. I just want general advice.
Please no negative comments. I know it was wrong but I want to know if I should consider myself an adultress becuase of it or if it was just simply sick and wrong.
The Answer
Depends on the definition.
The old laws against adultery labelled both the married and unmarried person as 'adulteress'. But those laws don't apply anymore, and most people only think of a 'adultery' as being something the married individual is committing.
I do not know exactly what the Mormon definition is - although most other Christian groups do consider both the married and unmarried individual as committing adultery. So if the religious definition is important to you, then yes, by that standard what you did was certainly the ‘sin’ of adultery.
However, I agree with Zane, you shouldn't feel the need to call yourself an adulteress - although maybe, if you are going to choose to be intimate with men in open relationships, you should re-evaluate whether your faith really reflects your beliefs and the way you want to live your life.
You did do something wrong, but the something wrong you did was not confirming with this man that he was in fact in an open relationship. The first thing any woman who hears that phrase should do (unless she walks away from him that second) is tell him she wants to speak to his wife and confirm that he is indeed, having an honest, open marriage.
Even if he was telling the truth, the old laws and most religions, would still define that as adultery. Because in the old laws and most religions, married is a defined by sexual monogamy. An ‘open marriage’ isn’t really marriage by most Christian standards.
So it was wrong if you acted against your beliefs.
And it was wrong not to confirm his statements.
But don’t worry so much about labelling yourself with an old-fashion, hard to pin down word. That’s not the important thing here now. The important thing now is how do you do better, and take better care of yourself in the future.
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The Question
hi. i'm 20/f, turning 21 in january. at home, i am having some issues. my family somewhat knows about them, but they really don't understand and fail to do anything about it. i am living at home and going to school. this is my third year in the university. I'm studying to become a teacher and I want to teach middle school. I work part time on campus.
let me start by saying that my mom doesn't have a job. she claims she has been "looking" for one, but I don't know how that is working out. the only income that she has in unemployment and a rented house. i know that the cost of living is expensive and ALL that money goes to waste quite fast. I, on the other hand, make only about $400 a month. That's it. Whenever I get a paycheck for two weeks, it's only $200 and some change. By the time I get paid, the money goes to waste because I'm always giving my mom money. I got paid on Friday, and I'm already down to $2.00, because I gave my mom a bunch of money to get something she wanted. i feel like i should just not work next semester because I'm taking so many classes and for $400, it just isn't worth it. the thing about being an education major at my school is that you really can't fall below a certain GPA, or else you are no longer eligible to be in the program. So, it is imperative that I maintain at least a B. So, that is the first thing.
I have tried working on a and off in hopes that I can move out. I live with my grandparents and I love them like crazy. But, they are always fighting with my mom. I don't really have my OWN bedroom. Like, there is a space in our house that we call "my room," but it can't be personal because people are always walking in and out as they please. no one knocks. while i am at school, they come in and throw things in here. it has turned into a storage. i no longer have a place to sleep in my room. they said that they need to keep things in here and so i sleep with my mom. i cannot do homework in my room because of this reason. my desk has also turned to a part of this "storage." even if it weren't, it is extremely uncomfortable. it is a desk from like 4th grade. but nonetheless, it's part of the place they just throw things. the problem with working to move out is that no one can move out on a part time job here. it's too expensive. i personally cannot afford it and my parents won't help me.
my dad has two other kids. i am adopted and i found out when I was 18. i'm still working on that because it's a lot to take in. the other two kids are his biological kids. I guess blood is thicker than water, because they get everything. my brother was going to school up north and dropped out, came here, and doesn't work or go to school. yet, my dad pays for everything for him and was paying for his apartment. my sister is some kind of dancer and my dad takes out like $1000 for her every week to do her shows. it's ridiculous. the other day, i asked him for $85 to buy a ticket and he was being really stand off-ish about it. unless he helped me to move out, i can't really. so, i try to do homework in the library till late but my grandparents start calling my mom and my mom starts calling me compulsively. i would say that each time i check my phone, i have about 7 missed calls and 10 texts from my mom, on average. this is about every half hour. so, i can't even stay in the library.
i got a car last christmas... and i thought this would help out a lot, in terms of my family giving me my independence and privacy. however, my grandmother MAKES my mom drive me to parties, clubs, dates, etc. you name it. it's absolutely crazy. i cannot drive at night. my mom doesn't care, but it's really weird to be like "pick me up at 2," you get me? so, i always leave places super super early... like an hour after they start. it's so embarrassing that she's always there. most of the time, she even drives me to school because she doesn't want me driving at night by myself. she has even come in another car to drive behind me when i leave school late. it has caused me this big paranoia about driving at night and just in general.
i really don't know what I did so wrong. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I've never even had sex! I'm very religious. I don't get into any trouble. I work for my mom. i get good grades.
speaking of school/grades, let me give u an idea of what it's like when I get home. I need to do homework on my mother's bed while she watches television. i can't sit at any other table because everyone else is watching television too. in the morning, my mom and grandmother are always screaming at each other. i don't make such a big deal about giving my mom the car for the day (even tho I do pay for it), because she doesn't want to be at home fighting with my grandmother.
they are out of control. my mom's homepage on her cell phone is my facebook. she has a facebook herself. i made a twitter a while ago and didn't really tell anyone about it cuz i didn't use it. when she found out, she got a twitter too. i wrote "i miss you" on a friend's page and she started telling me how that was gay and I shouldn't miss anyone. the other day, i made a collage about sorority sisters saying something about a quote that says sisters are ________. and it was like a collage with different things. and she was like, "what's a mom?" so, aside from feeling like I don't have a sanctuary in my house... I have to deal with her constantly spying on me too.
my aunt (who lives across the street) has always been SUPER protective of my cousin, whose 30. like, if anyone ever said anything bad about her, she would go off on you like there was no tomorrow. my cousin was really mean to me when i was little. like REALLY REALLY mean. I told my mom once that she was being mean to me and my aunt started screaming at me that I shouldn't say that because my cousin has been through a lot. I HAVE BEEN THROUGH A LOT TOO, AND I'M NOT MEAN TO PEOPLE! But nonetheless. She wanted to be a doctor but didn't get into medical school and everyone was recommending nursing as another route and she was like "don't tell her that!" she had an abusive boyfriend for a while and she was like "don't talk bad about her boyfriend!" things like that. yet, she talks to me about how she hates teachers and they shouldn't exist... even though that's what I want to be.
so my question is... what do I do??? :'(
The Answer
You need to put your foot down.
You are a not teenager who is stuck at home. You are young adult. You need to step up and refuse to be abused by your mother.
It sounds to me like the only thing you've done wrong is actually staying calm, when you should be flipping out and screaming your head off at what is absolutely, abhorrently wrong behaviour.
If you need someone’s permission to get really, really mad, you have mine. Go ahead.
Some examples of things you can be justifiable pissed the hell off about:
The car is yours. You pay for it, that makes it yours. You can drive yourself to and from parties. Period. End of story. Let them scream and fuss. This is not a negotiation. You’re an adult. You can be respectful and let them know where you are and when you'll be back, but you do not need a chauffeur, and you must stop accepting that inappropriate intrusion into your life. If your mom wants to drive around all night after you - well that is creepy and stupid - but whatever.
You should NEVER be giving your mother money. Ever. If you grandparents would like rent or support from you, that's fine, but tell your mother that the bank is closed. She is not entitled to one more dime.
Change all your passwords and lock her out of all accounts. That is not appropriate behaviour - it’s not just wrong, it’s borderline illegal. Tell her so and do NOT give in. Ever.
Look, your family might to be in the position to help you have a better study space or bedroom. That might just not be physically possible. Privacy might just not be manageable in this household. There isn’t the wealth or sanity to support it - and that sucks. You might have to accept that and work around it.
However, outside of the home you need to put your foot down. You might just not get any sanctuary in your home, and it’s one thing to have little to no space or control inside a home where you pay no rent, it’s quite another to have no space when you are at the library, or driving your own car.
Of course, there is one exception to this ‘no privacy in your own home thing’
With your next pay check, go to a hardware store and buy a doorknob with a push lock.
Install it on the bathroom door, and lock the door when you need to use the bathroom.
If anyone has a problem with that, they can suck it. Really. Let them scream. Let them holler. If the break the lock, go out and buy a new one. No one, ever, not family, not anyone has a right to enter the bathroom while you are using it. That’s abuse, plain and simple. That’s a battle you should fight, and you need to win.
You need to put your foot down. You are entitled to putting your foot down in the situations above. Do it, and don’t back down this time.
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The Question
Well I certainly believe in something *special* or *sacred* that resides in logical or scientific explanation. I do believe that that some things that scientific technology in its current form can't explain or correctly debunk/support (Deriving my "the world is flat" argument that we are always uncovering more truths or perceived truths).
I don't believe in any single dogma. In my spiritual exploration I always considered bits and pieces from each religion. Im skeptical of leaders and I am not tolerant of self serving bias or millitism.
I don't believe in a diety that enforces "moral authority" or a heaven/hell afterlife system.
I don't agree that existence is an unimportant random mess.
The Answer
Agnosticism and atheism are two very different things. Like 'Soft' and 'Cold'. They aren't on a continuum, they talking about fundamentally different qualities of a statement.
Agnosticism is about 'not knowing the truth of a claim.'
If you don't claim to know, one way or the other, if the claims made by religion are true, you are agnostic.
You can be both agnostic and atheist, or both agnostic and theistic. Atheism and theism are about belief, not truth. An atheist does not believe in god(s), and a theist believes is a single god (and a polytheist believes in many gods...)
There are many, many labels. Neither atheism or theism are probably good fits for your beliefs, but agnosticism is probably a good label for your approach to religious/spiritual 'knowing'.
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The Question
Before I could ever even think of what I wanted my mom already planned to have my baby in a room next to mine and we just painted it. Now I'm feeling like I want my baby to be in my room actually and her crib be in my room does that sound stupid? Idk what I should say should I just say that?
The Answer
It's fine to feel like you want the baby in your room, but feelings aren't plans. So think about this as a plan, and ask yourself, and then your Mom, some questions.
How long do you want to baby to sleep in the same room with you? When do you go back to school? Do you want to wake and sleep at the same time as the baby? Do you have another space to study in while the baby in sleeping? Do you want your mom walking in and out of your room to care for the baby? 'Cause if the baby is in your room, then YOUR room is Baby's room and privacy will be a very different thing.
It doesn't sound stupid to want the baby that near - at least for a for a while - but it's certainly good that the baby has a room to itself as well.
Have a longer think about what is actually going to happen, and then talk to your mom.
It's not wrong or evil for your parents to be making these choices for you - it's natural that they want to take care of you and it's part of how they are being supportive. So don't flip out just cause they went ahead and painted the room. For all you know, your mother might think it's perfectly obvious that the baby will sleep in your room at first. You don't know until you talk about it.
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The Question
18/f. I just graduated and I'm pregnant. I am now in college I am expecting to have my daughter Jan 3. There has been drama with my family & my boyfriend's family just because of different beliefs, which has been real annoying. My parent's have been doing everything already for my child, and I appreciate that very much. But I feel that's the only help I need and sometimes assistance with my daughter. I can already tell though that there are going to be problems with parenting my child here. We have been setting the room next to mine up to be my daughter's room, it was never really a question it just happened well my mom made it happen. I honestly would like my daughter to be in my room is that foolish of me?
My mom still tries to take everything over like I have gotten medicaid and my sisterinlaw gave my mother the card and my mom never gave it to me when she knew i was going to the doctor that makes no sense to me and she still hasn't given it to me i told her i needed it I wouldn't think someone would need to be reminded that
She already babys the heck out of my nephews and niece it's just so sickening. and with the my child living here around it 24/7 just makes me sick
Things in this house are so unconventional, my parent's don't sleep together, they always need to be more than acknoledge when they arrive, theres never truly any privacy my dad sleeps in a room where you always have to see him to do anything in the house and be asked what you're doing or just feeling the wondering. They don't use the same bathroom so i have to use the bathroom in my mom's room which i hate, I don't plan to take my daughter over there all the time to bathe her that makes no sense. but my dad's bathroom and shower is never kept clean. My mom act's like this baby is coming for her. like she's the one who is becoming a mom again like she always has to take over. It just pisses me off I want to get out. I want my daughter to be sure of who her parents are and not always on and around someone who didn't even want her here in the first place. I just see this allll happening, and I guess it's cause i'm pregnant and I want to prevent it instead of it ever happening at all. It sucks because I'm still a teenager I cannot do anything on my own my mom is the main one who can help because she does nothing all day, which is a contributing factor to this. I am very grateful for them but my mom just takes things to another level and ive told her many times to step back and my boyfriend & his mom already and she still thinks the way she does. I know its messed up to think things could get this way and nothing like this even happens. but idk what is going to happen. I really need advice
The Answer
When my best friend was 18, she got pregnant.
He mother, much like yours I think, was a bit of a nutty, stay-at-home mom.
I'm going to tell you what, in the end, I had to scream at my best friend to get it through her skull:
Suck it up.
Seriously. Suck it up. You just changed your parents lives for the next 5-10 years. You're choice is going to cost them a small fortune finically, and they are going to live the next few years of their lives enabling you to live your life with a baby.
The cost of that support, the cost of not being on welfare and living in a group home, and not being able to go to school is putting up with their crazy, in their home. Nothing you've mentioned here is a serious risk to an infants health - it's just annoying - and if as a teenager mother the worst you have to deal with is 'annoying' while your parents support you and your child as you go to college then you are very, very lucky lady.
Is your mother going to step on your toes? Hell yes. But you broke both her legs when you got pregnant AND frankly, you probably need her to step on your toes a bit if you going to take care of your child and go to school. You're going to need her to step up. Big time.
So you going to have to just deal with a lot of this.
To help, you might call up a support group in your area for teenage mothers (Rose of Sharron, Planned Parenthood - they all have advice and support for teenage moms). It might be helpful to talk with a professional and your mother about who will do what, and what things are important to you, or scary to you.
But you also need to know this:
You are going to need way more help then you realize right now.
You are going to get way more help then you recognize right now.
You are going to get way more help than you may ever recognize.
And you don't 'deserve' that help. It's a gift. It's a gift your parents are giving you and your child that is going to cost them years of their lives and large sums of money.
Appreciating it is a good start, but you also need to respect it and realize that it will come with costs you might not like. You are not going to be in sole control of your baby in your household. You don't get that when you are a teen living with your parents. So, pick your battles, and remember that this isn't all about Mommy and Baby. There are other people's feelings and opinions to be considered in this situation - this situation that you have chossen for yourself and for them as well.
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The Question
Im 20 years old and dated this guy for 2 years. We broke up about 3 months ago and all though I finally ended it..it was pretty mutual cause he couldnt give me the attention I deserved. Well this has been sucha hard time for me and my friends and family have made it so much easier but I still feel like I dont have that best friend who I could tell anything to and not be embarrassed. Ive been out and tried to get over things and sometimes I really feel like its working but I just dont know if ill ever be the same.
Well about 2 weeks ago he messaged me on fb and we had a casual conversation and caught up with one another. And I totally got my hopes up thinking we would maybe think about getting back but im very stubborn so I didnt let him see that. Then I cried for 2 days and picked myself back up. Then this morning he messaged me again. He keeps it very casual but I just dont understand whats going on? I dont want to put myself out there if hes just checking in. he just never seemed like the kinda guy that checks in. we broke up cause he needed to focus on school, he has a new hobby, and we live pretty far apart. But we broke up so weird..we talked about dating again in like a year and I thought he was just saying it out of pity or something but he seemed to sincerely mean it. I guess its just a time thing and if we werent meant to be, our feelings would fade. I just need some guidance and hoping maybe someone cab offer some words of wisdom. Do you think he wants to get back or stay in my head or something?
The Answer
I think you have to ask him.
You are both game playing right now. All this talk of 'maybe... in the distance future...' is a way of avoiding talking about what you are thinking and feeling now. It's understandable - cause you are scarred and confused, and he probably is too - but one of you is going to need to 'put yourself out there' or continue to suffer in confusion and fear, and if you wait for him to do it, you might wait forever.
Be brave. If you'd like to talk about getting back together, admit it. The worse he can say is that he doesn't - and then, you never need to speak to him again if you don't want too.
Does it he want to stay in your head? Does he just want to catch up? Does he want to get back together? You'll never have an idea unless you start to ask.
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The Question
Be honest. But just don't yell at me or lecture me. How bad is it that I like my teacher? He's pretty young.. like 24. I know it's not good. I honestly just want to know if there's anyone out there who's having a dilemma like this like me. or really anything anyone thinks about it. more importantly, how do i get over it? He's literally everything I've ever liked in a guy.. even guys my age. I need to SHUT UP about him. Jeez. Thoughts?
The Answer
It's okay, even normal, to have a crush.
We can't help what we feel sometimes, but you are right. You do have to control what you DO. So shutting up about it is a good idea, for your own sake, as well as your friends'.
Unfortunately, Zane is right. There is no real 'trick' to stopping. You could ask your friends to call you on it if you start talking about it. You can remind yourself that its just a fantasy when you start thinking about it. You can remind yourself that will nothing ever happen - because it would illegal, horribly immoral and down right awful for him to engage in ANY romance with you - and it could easily end with him doing jail time, or at least, never working as a teacher agian.
It all be easier, much easier, when you don't see him regularly. So, you should consider avoiding his classes once you are done this one.
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The Question
My oldest sister is 19...I keep writing about her because if I don't have anyone to hear my story, then I might harm myself...again. To make a long story short...my oldest sis is a trainwreck,a bum, embarassing,slow, and very confused. She once ran a red light and claimed she was thinkin about something else. Not to mention she doesn't even have a license. She even walks around the house with her boxers talking to random girls and acting like she just...has it ALL figured out. If only they knew what she was really like. Ok so my other sis who is 17 made me and my mom some nachos with ground beef. I was eating and my 19 yr old comes down and picks one piece of ground beef out to eat it. She knew it wasnt hers and she wasnt suppose to have a piece. I leave to go tell my mom and five minutes later the ground beef is pretty much gone, their is only small pieces left....I HATE my sister. When I say I do I really do. There is sooo much that she has done that I choos not to mention. If you all knew and could relate. This is only minor but she has been this way FOREVER. She is an oppertunist and only gives a fly---u know what...about herself. A very greedy person and we are constantly having to restock on groceries or suffer during the week because all the food is gone. One day her time will come and all the karma will come back on her for what she has done over the years. It includes her greed situation...and also all of her other stuff she has done. Lets just say this...um who video tapes kids on a carousel to try and call it art? And who video tapes dolls doing "things" and the dolls are the same gender..." who does that at 19???? yeah....I'd say a real TWISTED person. I mean yes children and kids may do that during their "discovery" ages but not with cams and being 19.....I'm so sick of her I can barely keep up. What do I do....can someone speak to me? Calm me down. Tell me something I wanna hear but tell the truth...??? I'm sorry for this long blog, but it had to be written.
The Answer
Talk to a school counselor. Get some, professional, individual help from an adult.
Obviously, you don't like your sister very much. We get it. She eats too much. She showers too loud. Her idea of 'art' sucks.
And none of what you've described in all your questions, not a scrap of it, it worth getting as worked up as you are.
It's not nice to live with someone you don't like. Someone who is rude. But you are only making it harder on yourself when you work yourself into a fit of hate over it.
Talk to a counselor or therapist. Your reactions here are out of control. You are going to make yourself sick. You need to find a better way to deal with your unhappiness.
It's okay to dislike your sister, but for your own sake, you need to get a handle on your reactions. This extreme name-calling and anger is going to hurt you more than anyone else. If you aren't getting support at home, turn to another adult in your life who can help you find some calm.
You need to chill the hell out. Not because your sister or mom are going to get any better, but because if you don't, you are going to get worse and worse, until you are exactly the kind of selfish, self-obsessed bully you are complaining about.
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The Question
My elder sister is 24 years sexy girl and i m a 21 yrs old bachelor guy, who desperately wanted to make love with her, but never dared to tell/ propose her. I dont know its right or wrong, but i really wanted to have sex with her all through my life.She is getting married next year.
I have attempted to kiss her one day when we both were in bed, where i pressed her breasts and tried to seduce her, but it was not a successful attempt as she protested and got rid of my hold, since then talked to me for last two weeks....
PLZ suggest me some way by which i can achieve her....
The Answer
It is wrong.
If you do not know that this is wrong, you need to talk to a therapist.
She does not want to have sex with you. She is getting married. You are her brother.
You will NOT achieve this.
Talk to a mental health expert before you do something very dangerous or stupid. If you cannot control youself, stay away from her.
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The Question
We had a professor who's in his 40's and is really knowledgeable, though an arrogant *** and sometimes vain.He used to make statements like how only the elite were qualified to pursue education and crap like that.We had all complained against his behavior to the Dean, as a result of which he won't be taking any of our classes anymore.During that movement, the leading guy suggested we register a false case of sexual harassment against him so we could get him removed quickly. We, not being in our senses, did that. As a result, he's to go through a lot.Though ultimately he was absolved of all charges and was re-instated.
But now I realize I'm in awe of him and his knowledge, and want to form a friendship with him. NOT AN AFFAIR OR ANYTHING. I just want to be a liked person. But how's it possible since he's not teaching us anymore and is probably disgusted with us for reporting him? I had once written an anonymous letter (e-mail) pouring out my guilt, I really felt bad for it by then...but all I received was a reply stating it was cowardly to withhold name while writing a letter.
So I was going to write another e-mail, (the same one with my name at the end) and send it to him, but then my mom said that he might use it to file cases against me and/or my friends in court. I wanna apologize badly, but cannot. Please give me advice on what to do.
(I'm from India)
The Answer
If you tell him who you are, and who was responsible for reprehensible false claims, he should, and probably will, alert the school, if not the police.
So how guilty do you feel?
Guilty enough to accept the legal consequences for your actions? Guilty enough to be kicked out of school? Guilty enough to admit that it was you who did this to him? Guilty enough to turn your friends over the school and possibly the police as well?
Is it too much to expect friendship? Yes. What you did put him through hell - you tortured him all because you didn’t like his attitude. What you did could have cost him everything in his personal life and his professional one.
It is naive and selfish to expect friendship after that. It was cowardly to apologize anonymously.
So how good a person are you willing to be?
Are you just good enough to go around feeling awful about the awful thing you did, or are you brave enough to actually face the consequences for your behaviour?
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The Question
Why? Why do numbers have to decide where we're headed? I was always told that we go to school to learn. Well, If I learn a lot and get poor grades, I'm "Not doing what I'm supposed to" So basically if I get bad grades, I'm not learning, even if my tests prove the opposite. I don't get it. I think the system needs to be re-designed. I think tests are more important than homework. In fact, I think our grades should only be based on tests. They're the only thing that proves we learned something. And nowadays, its like knowledge does not matter anymore. All that matters is an unfair number that does not have anything to do with intelligence and ability, and degrees that show how much of this bull you've been through. I'm starting to hate school. And then there's the SAT, which is classist and unfair. Ontop of that, the whole money thing is bull. Why should someone from a different town in the same state & country have a better education just because that town's populace has a higher income & lower population?
The Answer
School isn't fair.
Life isn't fair.
Yep.
Grading people based only on their tests would be a horribly unfair way to gauge knowledge. We used to do that. Now we grade on completion and activities so as not to penalize those who are bad at test-taking, or reward those who are just naturally good at tests, but forget the information the next minute.
And degrees are mostly about completion, to prove "how how much of this bull you've been through".
Yep. Yeps. That’s basically it.
Degrees are mostly a trial by fire certificate. Proof that you can communicate successfully with others on a certain topic and in an accepted way. Whether or not you have actual knowledge will be decided by you, and your employers. That’s why a degree isn’t a guaranteed of a job - it doesn’t mean you can actually do the job - it just means you can communicate about the job successfully.
And money is unfair and grades are unfair and taxes are unfair and the town you are born in is unfair and the parents you are born to is unfair and whether you are naturally good at math or not is unfair or bad at reading is unfair or didn't speak English till you were 10 is unfair and whether you are attractive or not is unfair and if you have bad teeth its unfair and mommy wouldn’t let me have a puppy it’s unfair…
Living with other people, means living in an imperfect world. Smart people learn to get by. They jump through some of the hoops. They make the system work for them. They figure out how much or little they want. They accept a degree of unfairness in their lives, even while fighting against it on their own behalf and on the behalf of others.
There are lots of valid criticism of education and taxes and tests... of the whole world we live in! But you have made valid criticism here, or constructive arguments. You've whined. You’ve whined about the blatantly obvious truths of the world. And that's okay, because it's NOT perfectly fair.
But you don’t get to go on whining forever. You say you are smart. You’ll have to prove it one way or another. If the education system doesn’t do it for you, join the many people who are working through the system and in the system to make it fairer. You can't opt out of life and you can't escape the judgement of others. If you are as smart as you think you are, make it work.
It will still not be perfectly fair, but you might actually get someplace.
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The Question
I am a middle-aged man,and have for some time wanted to start a gay relationship. I have tried online and just DON'T know what to say (except for the obvious- that I am a novice), or what to do to attract men. I understand all the "safe sex" stuff. I like women, but REALLY want a man. The question is pretty simple: How do I start? What to say? I'm not after boys- unless you consider 18 to be too young, but they just have SO much energy! Are there young men out there who want a middle-aged man?
The Answer
Remember when you started dating as a young man/teenager. Remember how you made mistakes and screwed up and behaved a bit like an ass and sometimes got treated really badly...
It's just that. All over again.
It's a big wide world online. Try a few different sites and just be honest about who you are and what you want. A lot of people won’t be compatible with your desires, some people will be.
There is no real trick. There is just honesty and respect. Be upfront about what you are looking for, be respectful of other's feelings and interests too.
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