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depressed, don't know what to do... long
hi. i'm 20/f, turning 21 in january. at home, i am having some issues. my family somewhat knows about them, but they really don't understand and fail to do anything about it. i am living at home and going to school. this is my third year in the university. I'm studying to become a teacher and I want to teach middle school. I work part time on campus.
let me start by saying that my mom doesn't have a job. she claims she has been "looking" for one, but I don't know how that is working out. the only income that she has in unemployment and a rented house. i know that the cost of living is expensive and ALL that money goes to waste quite fast. I, on the other hand, make only about $400 a month. That's it. Whenever I get a paycheck for two weeks, it's only $200 and some change. By the time I get paid, the money goes to waste because I'm always giving my mom money. I got paid on Friday, and I'm already down to $2.00, because I gave my mom a bunch of money to get something she wanted. i feel like i should just not work next semester because I'm taking so many classes and for $400, it just isn't worth it. the thing about being an education major at my school is that you really can't fall below a certain GPA, or else you are no longer eligible to be in the program. So, it is imperative that I maintain at least a B. So, that is the first thing.
I have tried working on a and off in hopes that I can move out. I live with my grandparents and I love them like crazy. But, they are always fighting with my mom. I don't really have my OWN bedroom. Like, there is a space in our house that we call "my room," but it can't be personal because people are always walking in and out as they please. no one knocks. while i am at school, they come in and throw things in here. it has turned into a storage. i no longer have a place to sleep in my room. they said that they need to keep things in here and so i sleep with my mom. i cannot do homework in my room because of this reason. my desk has also turned to a part of this "storage." even if it weren't, it is extremely uncomfortable. it is a desk from like 4th grade. but nonetheless, it's part of the place they just throw things. the problem with working to move out is that no one can move out on a part time job here. it's too expensive. i personally cannot afford it and my parents won't help me.
my dad has two other kids. i am adopted and i found out when I was 18. i'm still working on that because it's a lot to take in. the other two kids are his biological kids. I guess blood is thicker than water, because they get everything. my brother was going to school up north and dropped out, came here, and doesn't work or go to school. yet, my dad pays for everything for him and was paying for his apartment. my sister is some kind of dancer and my dad takes out like $1000 for her every week to do her shows. it's ridiculous. the other day, i asked him for $85 to buy a ticket and he was being really stand off-ish about it. unless he helped me to move out, i can't really. so, i try to do homework in the library till late but my grandparents start calling my mom and my mom starts calling me compulsively. i would say that each time i check my phone, i have about 7 missed calls and 10 texts from my mom, on average. this is about every half hour. so, i can't even stay in the library.
i got a car last christmas... and i thought this would help out a lot, in terms of my family giving me my independence and privacy. however, my grandmother MAKES my mom drive me to parties, clubs, dates, etc. you name it. it's absolutely crazy. i cannot drive at night. my mom doesn't care, but it's really weird to be like "pick me up at 2," you get me? so, i always leave places super super early... like an hour after they start. it's so embarrassing that she's always there. most of the time, she even drives me to school because she doesn't want me driving at night by myself. she has even come in another car to drive behind me when i leave school late. it has caused me this big paranoia about driving at night and just in general.
i really don't know what I did so wrong. I don't drink. I don't smoke. I've never even had sex! I'm very religious. I don't get into any trouble. I work for my mom. i get good grades.
speaking of school/grades, let me give u an idea of what it's like when I get home. I need to do homework on my mother's bed while she watches television. i can't sit at any other table because everyone else is watching television too. in the morning, my mom and grandmother are always screaming at each other. i don't make such a big deal about giving my mom the car for the day (even tho I do pay for it), because she doesn't want to be at home fighting with my grandmother.
they are out of control. my mom's homepage on her cell phone is my facebook. she has a facebook herself. i made a twitter a while ago and didn't really tell anyone about it cuz i didn't use it. when she found out, she got a twitter too. i wrote "i miss you" on a friend's page and she started telling me how that was gay and I shouldn't miss anyone. the other day, i made a collage about sorority sisters saying something about a quote that says sisters are ________. and it was like a collage with different things. and she was like, "what's a mom?" so, aside from feeling like I don't have a sanctuary in my house... I have to deal with her constantly spying on me too.
my aunt (who lives across the street) has always been SUPER protective of my cousin, whose 30. like, if anyone ever said anything bad about her, she would go off on you like there was no tomorrow. my cousin was really mean to me when i was little. like REALLY REALLY mean. I told my mom once that she was being mean to me and my aunt started screaming at me that I shouldn't say that because my cousin has been through a lot. I HAVE BEEN THROUGH A LOT TOO, AND I'M NOT MEAN TO PEOPLE! But nonetheless. She wanted to be a doctor but didn't get into medical school and everyone was recommending nursing as another route and she was like "don't tell her that!" she had an abusive boyfriend for a while and she was like "don't talk bad about her boyfriend!" things like that. yet, she talks to me about how she hates teachers and they shouldn't exist... even though that's what I want to be.
so my question is... what do I do??? :'(
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Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
You need to put your foot down.
You are a not teenager who is stuck at home. You are young adult. You need to step up and refuse to be abused by your mother.
It sounds to me like the only thing you've done wrong is actually staying calm, when you should be flipping out and screaming your head off at what is absolutely, abhorrently wrong behaviour.
If you need someone’s permission to get really, really mad, you have mine. Go ahead.
Some examples of things you can be justifiable pissed the hell off about:
The car is yours. You pay for it, that makes it yours. You can drive yourself to and from parties. Period. End of story. Let them scream and fuss. This is not a negotiation. You’re an adult. You can be respectful and let them know where you are and when you'll be back, but you do not need a chauffeur, and you must stop accepting that inappropriate intrusion into your life. If your mom wants to drive around all night after you - well that is creepy and stupid - but whatever.
You should NEVER be giving your mother money. Ever. If you grandparents would like rent or support from you, that's fine, but tell your mother that the bank is closed. She is not entitled to one more dime.
Change all your passwords and lock her out of all accounts. That is not appropriate behaviour - it’s not just wrong, it’s borderline illegal. Tell her so and do NOT give in. Ever.
Look, your family might to be in the position to help you have a better study space or bedroom. That might just not be physically possible. Privacy might just not be manageable in this household. There isn’t the wealth or sanity to support it - and that sucks. You might have to accept that and work around it.
However, outside of the home you need to put your foot down. You might just not get any sanctuary in your home, and it’s one thing to have little to no space or control inside a home where you pay no rent, it’s quite another to have no space when you are at the library, or driving your own car.
Of course, there is one exception to this ‘no privacy in your own home thing’
With your next pay check, go to a hardware store and buy a doorknob with a push lock.
Install it on the bathroom door, and lock the door when you need to use the bathroom.
If anyone has a problem with that, they can suck it. Really. Let them scream. Let them holler. If the break the lock, go out and buy a new one. No one, ever, not family, not anyone has a right to enter the bathroom while you are using it. That’s abuse, plain and simple. That’s a battle you should fight, and you need to win.
You need to put your foot down. You are entitled to putting your foot down in the situations above. Do it, and don’t back down this time.
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