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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
24/f
Met a guy on tinder who just recently moved to the area. We met in about August. We both broke up with our spouses in about June/July so it was newly single to the both of us. First time we hung out i went to his apartment we told each other we werent going to cross boundaries but we did and had sex and it was great. I stayed over his house. The second time we hung out probably a week after we had sex again and i stayed over hung out and it was great. Texted all the time, pretty much lead me on and i started getting attached. About 3 days after we had sex i broke out with herpes. (we used a condom both times) i told him and he was in denial and said that he doesnt have it and if he did his ex would have it and she does not. So im still stuck between if it was my ex or him. Anyway, i still really like this guy but hes busy with work and going back and forth from his hometown to visit family and friends which is about 5 hours away...he moved here for work. Its been about 6 months and i personally feel like hes avoiding hanging out with me but he claims he is just busy with work. I put myself down telling myself he doesnt want to be with me because of the H. We finally hung out last night and it was strictly friendzoned because thats what he wants. I know he cares deeply about me as a friend it just hurts im not sure on what to do i love him as my friend but i wonder if he felt the connection i did too last night. It kind of hurt he never tried to make a move on me which i respect but i genually like this person and he obviously doesnt feel the same way. From the time in August until now we go on and off about flirting ive sent him naked pictures of myself sometimes to "brighten his day" and he obv likes the pictures and what not but we are just friends? I just feel like my heart/head is being all messed up and im not sure how i should feel. I went home that night he walked me to my car gave me one of those side hugs and kissed my head and i texted him being like good job on not crossing boundaries lol and he responded with thats why i didnt let you sleep over. I answered with nothing would have happened anyway lol. I asked him today if he doesnt want to hook up with me because of the H. And he says that it has nothing to do with that he is busy with work and starting a life out here and he told me many months ago when we first hung out hes not looking for a hook up/ realtionship with anyone and i told him i respected that 100% i just wanted to make sure it wasnt because of the H. What is everyones thoughts
The Answer
You know the most important thing here:
He doesn't want to be with you. Not sexually, not a relationship.
Maybe it is about the herpes. You will never know 100%. Ever.
For the love of God stop sending him naked photos of yourself! Seriously. That's insane and desperate. I mean, it's not terribly wise to send ANYONE naked pictures of yourself, but you barely know this person, he's not in any sort of relationship with you, and he has very clearly told you, for months, that he isn't interested. I don't have words to express what a dumb thing it is to be sending him nudes.
Protect yourself and respect yourself. When a guy says "No." don't go on exposing yourself, emotionally or literally.
When someone doesn't want to be with you, you don't always get to know for sure what the reasons are. If it's the herpes, or something else, it doesn't matter. His mind is made up and you need to respect that no matter what his reasons are, or whether he'll tell you his reasons or not.
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The Question
I recently started this new diet and I have been exercising a lot. Now I am 5 days late on my period. My boyfriend and I decided to wait til I am a week late to get a test. I started this diet 5 days about and lost 5 pounds. I feel really pressured to do this diet. I have actually done well and stuck to it for once. I am an athlete but it is extremely hard for me to lose my belly fat because My family is all diabetic and they think I am too. I also am going through an extremely stressful time with my stepmom. That causes me to stress eat. I am not ready for a baby. Is it possible for my new diet to have delayed my period?
The Answer
Yes. It's possible.
Waiting until you are a week late is wise, simply from the point of view of the accuracy of over-the-counter pregnancy tests.
However, you also probably want to make a doctors appointment. Because if your body isn't getting the energy and nutrients it feels it needs in order to menstruate, that's a sign your diet is too extreme. Loss of your period isn't a 'normal thing' for athletic women. It can be connected to low estrogen and leave you at risk of bone problems, especially if you are young and still growing and developing bone mass.
Seriously. Skipping periods all together is a sign you need a doctor's advice on your nutrition. If you think you may have diabetes, that's also a reason to speak to your doctor about your diet.
Crash diets are a TERRIBLE thing for young people (and if you lost that much weight, far more than is recommended, that quickly, you are crash dieting) and would be even more dangerous for a young person with diabetes. Talk to a doctor.
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The Question
I've been on placement a few days a week with a small company as part of my uni course for 4 months.
Normally the people there are nice however yesterday I got snapped at for essentially being slow and that I needed a greater sense of urgency.
I am offering my services for free and the way I was spoken to by the boss made me upset and feel undermined. What's more i never get a thank you for the work that I do only chased on days I'm not meant to be in to finish off bits of work.
I feel unappreciated- is it acceptable to treat a work experience in this way? I know I'm there to learn but I'm certainly not there to be insulted!
The Answer
If you are there for school credit, then you are being compensated. If you are there as part of your required classwork, then you are not a volunteer who is 'gifting' their time. You are a student whose role includes certain expectations.
Does that mean it was okay to yell?
No. It's not okay to yell at employees, volunteers, or students. That's not cool.
However, in the workplace people will give you feedback you don't like. Bosses are people, and sometimes they slip up. Sometimes they slip up in huge ways that need to be addressed, but often, they slip up in normal human ways that need to be shrugged off. In the vast majority of cases, getting 'snapped at' for slow work, should be shrugged off.
If you aren't happy with the expectations at this work placement, either talk to your school or your supervisor about that.
Most people spend a lot of their working lives feeling unappreciated—it's not great or good—but it's part of living in the world with other people. Not all workplaces are great places to be. Learning how to perform, for the short term, in a less than ideal work environment will serve you well.
By all means, speak to your school about expectations and what is normal for work placements. If you think you are being abused or harassed, or that expectations are unreasonable, you should speak up. I suspect the school will support you and help to explain that you should not be contacted outside of your hours.
However, you also need to remember that you if you are being graded on this work-placement, or receiving class credit, that is NOT volunteering. They don't need to be petting you and thanking you all the time. It would be great if you were told that you were appreciated, but you need to be able to cope with not hearing that as well. That is schoolwork, and you need to treat it like schoolwork, which means accepting criticism about your work and trying to improve—even if they aren't super nice about it.
If you aren't getting credit, and you aren't getting paid, and you aren't liking it, then just quit.
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The Question
I have this guy friend who I met on a game online 5 years ago. Even though the game shut down, our communication continues (not that communication that we talked everyday). We never meet because we're far from each other and we had phone calls maybe 3 years ago together with some friends.
Then 2014, I studied to a place that he can reach, but still we never meet. During my vacation (december 2015), we became closer, we chat 24/7. Then new years, he said he likes me, and I don't feel the same. He said that its okay and lets stay the same but everything's awkward. Then he's asking if we can meet. I refused because (1) i never meet someone I met online (2) he likes me (3) I'm an introvert. No one's initiating the conversation and I actually want to talk with him since I'm attached and I don't have other someone to tell whats happening with my life. I stalked his social medias everyday. Should I talk with him? Or should I block him, so I can stop myself from stalking? Or just do nothing?
The Answer
Do you think he wants to be your friend? Or sees you as a friend?
Generally, when someone asks you to be in a relationship, it means they aren't happy with a friendship and will usually withdraw from the friendship if you turn them down.
It's not evil. It's just human. You rejected him. Rejection sucks and often leads to the end of a friendship.
If you want to be friends, you'll need to speak up and reach out to him. Tell him you still want to be friends and you feel you are drifting part. If you don't want to be friends, then yes, you should stop stalking him. It's not a healthy way to cope with the end of a friendship.
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The Question
Hi Razhie, I asked this question on the advice column, but wanted more replies. Thought about a few columnists that I enjoyed reading advice from and you were one of them. If you could take the time to read this Id appreciate it!
I would like to share a hurtful story of mine to you all, and anyone who takes the time to read this will be greatly appreciated. I started dating this guy, I'm 22 and hes 29. We were good friends before we started dating, but ever since he met me hes tried to get me to be with him and I always used to mess around and was never really interested. To keep it short, we got together and I fell incredibly in-love with him. He is a judge and I am still a student in college. His job means everything to him and its his number 1 priority. That, I can understand, but let me further explain our situation. He has a perfect life, hes gotten everything hes ever wanted since the day he was born. I on the other hand have a very difficult life. Family problems, financial issues. We come from 2 completely different worlds and I always knew this but I figured it was worth a shot. What I didnt really like about him was the fact that he lacked a lot of depth and characteristic traits that I looked for in a person- He was a bit robotic and he lived his life by the book of whats right and whats wrong. I am a very charismatic person, very friendly and I have a lot of personality traits that I am constantly complimented for and he was heads over heels for me because he felt that hes never met a girl like me in his life. (Which is not a lie because where i live, girls here are pretty empty minded and only care about superficial things like money, cars, and practically anything they can get their hands on when it comes to guys) so he used to feel like I was a real person and that I was one of a kind because I looked a lot further than that. (Ps, I dont like in America so social standards are considered extremely important here where I am ) Anyway. My father is a supporter of a specific group (ONLY) a supporter and usually posts his opinions on Facebook and likes to share his thoughts on his profile) However, my ex, assuming he is a judge, is against everything my father is for. We were talking once and supposedly he came across my fathers profile and asked me about the things he posted and I told him that he wasn't LEGIT from the group but that he supports them and that this is his opinion and he cant change that. He told me that he doesn't want to change it, but that it is harmful for his job assuming that he is a judge and that if ever got involved with someone who has a family member of this certain group, he would get fire and he broke up with me through a text message telling me this. That he doesnt want a relationship and that he doesnt want to deal with anything ( he practically ran away ) and made me feel like complete shit about myself even though he has no idea what hes talking about. I know my father and what he does on the daily so I know that it is nothing more than just an opinion and I still believe he has every right to believe what he wants. After he broke up with me, he contacted me 2 days later asking to meet up. So i gave him a chance and went to see him. We talked things out, I told him how hurt I was that he didnt even bother talking to me about this in person and how he had to reach out to me VIA text and how thats not the way to go. Assuming he is almost 30 and I just turned 22, He would be a little more mature than me. But i guess not. He apologized and told me he wouldnt do it again and that hes incredibly sorry and that he loves me. I told him he had nothing to worry about and that when I got back from the states (because I was traveling a few days after) that i would talk to my dad to stop posting these stuff because I know what his intentions are and I know that if i told him not to post them because i have someone in my life that is against , would for me in a heartbeat. Anyways, we were okay after that and fixed things and then When i came home, i called him and he didnt answer- sends me another text message saying that hes sorry but he feels like we should take a pause in our relationship because he doesnt want one right now and feels uncomfortable. I called him crying and told him that we were just together and talked everything out and we were fine. He told me hes sorry and just kept saying Im just not comfortable, please understand. So i was like "If you want to take a pause, then take it for good, its over" and shut the phone. This was 2 days before I left the country. No "I hope you get there safely" or anything. We didnt speak for a week but he was constantly liking my posts and pictures on instagram. He contacted me a week after that trying to see how I was doing and what i was doing on vacation and I would response to every text message because I loved him so much. I started letting him in slowly. He would text me everyday and try to make the effort and I felt like he wanted to fix things, and so, being stupid and inlove, i eventually gave in. We talked about things and he told me he was sorry and that hes an idiot-- and that He was just afraid it would harm his job. I told him that I already told him he had nothing to worry about and that he made a big deal out of things and that EVEN if he wants to leave me, that is not the way-- to just blow me off and act like I never meant anything to him. We said we would talk about things when I got back and we were set on being together again. He asked me to get a few things for him while I was over there and I did. I got him everything he wanted. When i got back from vacation he was always blowing up my phone, asking to see me, and so I went to see him. So i went to surprise him and told his friends that I was coming and it was actually a nice day, he was shocked and we hugged and hung out a lot. There was still chemistry but we couldnt talk about anything because all his friends were there. And I had told him that we needed to talk things out before anything because I dont feel like i can trust him and that he really hurt me so it wasnt going to be that easy for him to get in my life again. I always reminded him of this when I was on vacation so he doesnt think that just because were talking it means were on good terms. So the second and (last ) time I went to see him we started talking about everything. I told him more about my life and how he had to accept me for who i was. I told him that I never had perfect things like him and that I actually struggled in my life and that it wasnt my fault. I told him that Ive learned alot through the years and that Im happy that I faced a few problems because it makes me who I am. I really wanted to open my heart up to him since he was the person that I was going to be engaged and married to. And he kept telling me that I needed to trust him and be honest (although there really isnt anything so terrible about my life at all) its just that Im a very private person so i dont like to talk about even the slightest thing. He told me he doesnt mind anything else but the only thing he was worried about was my dad situation. I told him that even if my dad turned out to be something he didnt accept- that there would be a way to deal with the situation and not run away from it. Seeing how my dad is a very kind and nice man and would do anything to see me happy. He agreed and told me I was right about everything and how wrong and ridiculous he was and how much he loves me. I told him that I still feel worried and that I cant trust him anymore because I feel like he will always leave me if we face any issues at all and he kept convincing me that he never would and that it was just a mistake and he wont do it again. And i remember he put his arm around me and went "Your scared youll wake up to another text message, right" and i was like yeah, I hate that. Like if your going to break up with me atleast call me or ask to see me. He was like I promise it wont happen again and you can trust me. We were in the car that day when he was taking me home and we started cuddling and kissing on the cheek. I didnt wanna kiss his lips because I still felt like i didnt trust him enough. (Hes never been a pervert, and Ive met a lot of guys so I know what kind of person he is ) he was like I havent seen you in a month, I miss you and i miss your kisses and I refused because I felt like it was too early to give him my all. It felt as if it was enough that I was already so close to him but I couldnt help it. But i didnt wanna push it. I felt like it was a bad idea. He took me home that day and it was lovely. He kept telling me to text him in the morning because he missed my morning texts, started calling me baby again and it was as if nothing changed and I thought to myself. Wow, this man finally wants to prove his love to me. The next day everything was okay and we were fine, I called him to say goodnight because I had work in the morning and he was like Goodnight and we were sweet and fine. Then I wake up randomly at 4 in the morning, there was something in my heart that told me to look at my phone. And when I did what do i see? Another text message saying "I really dont want to bother you again, but i really dont want to be in a relationship right now, Im sorry but I dont want to be in any kind of relationship at this time, please lets stay friends and dont block me out of your life. " I wrote him a paragraph saying that i expected him to do this again-- and that I realized that he wasnt the person for me anyways and that I was eventually going to tell him that sooner or later, and that I dont want to be his friend but for him to have a good life and take care of himself, goodbye" He saw the text and never replied. Its been 3 days and Im not waiting for him to talk to me either. I am in horrendous pain. I literally am suffering so much and it pains me to even write about this. I feel insulted, rejected, back stabbed and most of all pathetic because I gave him another chance. I have no intentions of letting him back into my life and that is why I blocked him off of social media. I cant believe that someone could sit down with you and convince you that they would never do all the things that hurt you again-- and do it 2 days after. It drives me insane that there are people in this world that dont have the heart. I was so good to this man and I never upset him, never made him feel bad, never hurt him and this is how I got treated at the end. He did break my heart but more than that he broke my ego and it is so hard to let go of him because I am so attached but I know that Ill never trust him again. I know that at this point, i shouldn't even care about whether or not he will ever talk to me again, but seeing how it is still fresh, that question is constantly going through my mind. Wondering if hell ever contact me again or care. We were in each others lives for a long time. A year in total and I truly gave him my all. I feel that he might contact me again because He did the same thing twice and managed to come around again. So i feel like this is a circle and that you can tell a lot about what a person will do next based on their past actions. ALL my friends keep telling me that he will come back and talk to me but that I should never take him back and I KNOW i never will. But i feel like if i was the one to reject him and make him feel like he lost something, this would be a little easier on me. My self esteem is 0 and I feel like complete shit about myself. And im not looking for any kind of answer, Im just looking for some advice on what you all think will happen or how you view this and what your thoughts are. Anything is appreciated and sorry is this is long. Thank you.
The Answer
You are right, this guy is likely to come back and then just freak out and dump you again in shitty ways.
You are right. You would probably feel better if you'd dumped him. Not a lot better. You'd still feel pretty low and shitty right now, but a little bit better. But that isn't what happened, and it's okay. It wouldn't have changed much, I swear.
You may also feel better if he does come back, and you get a chance to shut this shit down. But that also might not happen—which you may feel sad about—but it's okay, it won change much if it did.
Look, this is going to sound a bit sucky, but it's not a reflection on you. I also dated much older guys in my early twenties, and largely, there were reasons they were single. They did shit that now, as a 30 year old woman, I would NOT put up with. As a woman with more experience and less patience for bullshit, you probably would have cut this numb-nut out a lot earlier. You were inexperienced, and he took advantage of your inexperience to make you feel insecure and unworthy. An older woman would have been much more likely to to catch on to the fact this guy was a wishy-washy and cowardly, and that his chicken-shit behavior had nothing to do with her (and honestly, not even that much to do with her father's politics) and everything to do with the fact that this 29 year old guy still has a 12-year-olds idea of love and relationships. He wants a perfect little love story that he never has to work for, and never feels scarred or worried. That's not how life works and that isn't real love.
Of course you feel like shit. He treated you as though were less human than you are. You told him what was important to you in life, and in love, and in communication and he ignored everything you said you valued. You treated him like a full human being, and tried to understand and respect him, and he treated you like you might be good enough to be wife—but no, maybe not after all.
You are not shit. You are not nothing. But he did treat you that way. It will take some time to go from sad to angry, but you'll get angry about this sooner rather than later, and without him hovering around treating you like shit, like you are disposable or not good enough, you'll stop feeling like shit.
There is no secret solution here. It's going to take time. There is a process and it's already started for you. You are on the right path. Take it easy on yourself and don't have anything to do with him. Remember he is the source of this pain and these insults. He can't fix them, because he is the cause of them.
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The Question
Do guys ever go after the girls even though they know that they have a boyfriend? And flirts brazenly. Oh, we're mates by the way, and known each other for few years.
Thanks
The Answer
Yes, some guys and girls will do this. They will go after people in relationships. Sometimes they do it because they think it's a safe place to flirt where nothing will come of it, and sometimes they do it because they are 100% intending to act on it.
Whatever the reason, it's shitty. it's disrespectful. It's a way of telling the person that you are flirting with that you don't trust them to pick their own boyfriend/girlfriend, and that you don't respect their choices, and that you think they are cheater just waiting for a chance.
It's not really a compliment. Which is why you should shut this shit down. When a guy actively pursues you even though you are in a relationship, he is saying he doesn't respect your choice to be with someone other than him, and that he thinks you'll be a cheater. It's not a person who thinks you are wise and wonderful.
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The Question
21/f
I was on the phone with my boyfriend last night. I was at my best friend's birthday party before he called. My best friend is gay and my boyfriend knows that. He said how being gay is sick and how those people should be killed. Needless to say I was shocked. I tried reasoning with him but to no avail. He even got mad and wanted to skip meeting me for about a week. I called him out on that and he said he will meet me after all. I just won't ever feel comfortable around him again. I love him very much,but him saying such things about my best friend is disgusting. He would hurt a gay person for no reason. What if he kills me too? I am,quite honestly,terrified. Do you think this is a red flag? Should I run from him while I still can?
The Answer
Yes, you should dump him.
He expressed bigotry and violent intent. That is a person you run from and keep your distance from. Not a person you try to convert or argue with, just a person you get a safe distance from.
Please don't go on trying to convince him. I understand that might feel like the right thing to do, but it's really not. You did the right thing when you reacted clearly and honestly to initial hatred. He's not confused about where you stand and it's not that he 'doesn't know better'. He knows better. He is choosing hate. He is expressing violent intent.
Dump him and keep your distance from him. Not a safe person.
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The Question
I need a man should I go to a gay bar to find him yes or no?
The Answer
Are you a man.
If you are an adult gay man, who would like to meet other adult gay men, then sure, gay bars are decent place to go look.
If you are anything other than an adult gay man, maybe not the best place to look for men who will be into you.
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The Question
Should I join a gay dating site to find guys?
The Answer
If you are gay, and would like to meet other gay guys to date, or be friends with, that might be a good way to go about it.
Just be safe and sensible about it. Take it slow when meeting someone for the first time, and avoid dangerous situations like meeting someone in private, secret places.
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The Question
17 _female
hi I am in my last year at highschool and I have only had 3 boyfriends.... my last bf who i currently talk to is 8 yrs old than me and we have been together off and on since I was 14....we are both virgins still because I dont want do that as yet ....but sometimes things get umm sexual and he gets angry sometimes and may sleep then he is normal when he awakes or he masturbates....with both methods I feel bad ....honestly I think maybe I should leave him but I dont know how to,,, because eventually I have to face this again since I dont want to be single forever.
what do u guya think...if I should leave how can I?....ps we have talk already and he says I am too childish.....but it ia my religion that I respect
The Answer
Yes, you should leave this person.
He mocks your faith and your values. That's a deal breaker right there.
He calls you childish, but he is the one who thought, at the age of 20 or so, it was okay to date a 14 year old. No matter how wonderful you are, that paints the picture of a very immature 20-something guy, and a guy who is likely looking for a very young women he can control and bully.
You are 17. That is hardly at risk of being 'single forever'. Really, you are just now at the age where most people begin to date with any seriousness. So look at this seriously. You don't want to sign up for a lifetime of insults, shame and disagreements. Walk away from this guy.
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The Question
So I have been dating this guy for almost a year. He was kind and affectionate and we met each others parents and everything. All of a sudden he says its "inappropriate" to hold my hand in public or hug me in public. He refuses to let me meet his friends, and when we walk together he likes to walk like 10 billion feet a head of me. Lately I feel like I have been doing everything wrong cause all he does is complain about all the things I do wrong, but yet he said I am his soulmate and loves me to death. He doesn't want me talking to certain people and attend events with him. I feel like he is shamed to be seen with me. We are both in our 20s so this is all just too strange to me. When he said he didn't want to hold my hand in public, felt like I got stabbed.
The Answer
Do you want to be in this relationship?
That's more important that any shit he is saying about love or soulmates. Do you want to be with someone who treats you this way?
He's insulting you, and he's doing it even in public. He's shaming you and deliberately hurting you. He's probably gaslighting you, treating you as though you are crazy when you address the things he is doing which are shitty.
If this isn't the sort of relationship you want to be in, you either have to speak up, or get out. Once a man has chosen to be this hurtful and disrespectful, I'd vote for get out.
Forget how he feels, and stop worrying about what he wants. Look yourself in the eye and ask what you want. Is this good enough for you? If not, then it's time to move on.
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The Question
22/f, 29/m
I just recently got out of a relationship. He was the one who broke up with me. The thing about this, is that it's confusing about what he wants. He tells me that he loves me and that he cares about me. He keeps talking about the "future" when we don't have a future.
But the one thing that bothers me a lot, is that he has removed any trace of me on his Facebook. All the posts that he tagged me in--removed. He hid the photos that I took of him, too. It shouldn't bother me, but it really does. It hurts.
The one thing I don't understand is that he removed any trace that I ever existed in public, but I'm still his background photo on his phone, etc. But yet, he kept up the photos that his ex-girlfriend (the one before me) posted of him. What is even worse is that I took a lot more photos than she did, and yet he put in the effort to remove everything that even related to me, but not hers.
I know that if I confronted him, he would end up saying one of the two things:
1) "Well, we did break up"--Which doesn't make sense because him and his other ex-girlfriend broke up but still kept photos of her.
2) "I didn't look very good in the photos you took."--There were more than 200 photos that I took, not all of them could've been completely terrible. Plus, the photos of him that his ex took, didn't look that great, either.
So, I'm confused. I'm not sure what the think or what to say or do. I'm trying to "let it go" because it's just social media, but I can't help but keep thinking, "why did he put in so much effort just to do all of that?" My sister came down to 3 conclusions.
1) He's keeping me on the side until he finds someone better.
2) He was embarrassed of me and still is, that's why he removed any sign that I existed
3) This is an extremely harsh way of him wanting me to move on.
But even if it was the 1st or 2nd reason, they're both really harsh ways of telling me that he really wants me to move on if he's willing to keep his ex's photos up.
Is there another reason why he might've removed every trace of me (in public)? Should I just completely let this go even if I kind of want answers?
The Answer
You should let this go. It's normal to want answers on this sort of thing after a break up, but being broken up means not knowing.
There are tons of reasons he may have done this. He may have even just 'felt like it' and not have put any of the thought into that you are.
Whatever his reasoning, he has chosen to make himself look as single as possible online, and that is a message you should take loud and clear.
There is nothing to confront him over. It's time to unfollow or unfriend him, and find other things to spend your emotional energy on. This guy may still be talking about love and a future, but he's choosing to tell the rest of the world he is single. Probably time to accept that what he is telling everyone else is the truth, and what he was telling you isn't.
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The Question
im 32 and he is 27 he is a store manager at a grocery store...from the looks of things he is doing quite well for himself. well ive had a couple of customers ask me was I his girlfriend..i said no.....and he looked up at me and then put his head down....anyway he is shorter than me im 5'3 and he is 5'0 and he is fluffy ( I normally don't date men of that stature ) but if he was to ask me out id give him a chance, he seems like a very nice guy..he picks on me constantly, he knows I like to cook so now he asks me what am I going to cook him......lmao.....even my brother was like that dude wants you.....well today I went up to him and I was like, hey and he turned around and stared at me with this shocked/stunned looked on his face and I said here and I gave him a folded piece of paper with my name and number on it and I walked away...since I did that do you think he will finally get some courage and ask me out? thanks
The Answer
If a guy doesn't contact you after you give him your number, then he probably doesn't want contact you.
Sorry, that simple. Maybe he doesn't want to because he's nervous or shy, or maybe he has other reasons, but you made your intentions pretty clear.
Unless you intend to ask him out—and I think if you want him this badly you should—then you are gonna have to let this go. If it's important to you that he is the one who does the asking, you've made yourself about as clear as you can.
Unless you get the courage together, to put aside stupid gender roles and concerns keep you from just inviting him out, then it's probably time to accept that he's not taking the bait you are putting out there.
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The Question
So, I've talked myself into a rut and now I can't get myself out. I'm 21 and female and presently in a funk. See, my boyfriend, of eight months, left on a three week long excursion with his best friend out to California. It's something they've always talked about doing so I'm happy for him and I can't wait until he comes back and shows me all of his photos and tells me all of the stories of the memories he made.
Today was the first day he and I talked on the phone since he left a little more than a week ago because something happened with his phone and last night, he finally got a new one. Today's conversation was great and he told me how it was finally nice to hear my voice because he missed me. But he made no mention of missing home or even being excited to come home. I told him I'm counting down the days until he flies back in and we can hang out again and he asked me how many days were left because he isn't even keeping track. I know he's having fun and everything but it just doesn't really seem like he's missing me as much as I am him and that kind of stings.
He also told me today that him and his best friend made a pact this week to see every national state park but left no mention of his best friend's girlfriend or I being able to tag along on their next adventures (even though before he left for this one, he told me that any other trip of this magnitude, I am invited on) but it didn't really seem that he wanted me to at all. I know, you're probably thinking that this isn't even set in stone, they're just talking about it like they've talked about this trip for years but have no fear, he was so hype on "yeah, we already googled where the next one is going to be and when my vacation days get replenished" and that Alaska supposedly has six so him and his best friend have to go to Alaska and see the Northern Lights - which was a little slap in the face because he knows that's been a dream of mine since I was little.
So then it got me thinking that since he and I started dating, when I made plans with my friends, I always asked him to go with. Like, there's a big music festival that my friends and I go to every summer and I asked him if he would want to tag along this year and he said yes, I didn't have to ask but I did because I love him and I want him and my best friends to be there, enjoying all of my favorite bands with me. I even paid for us to see The Blue Man Group for his birthday because he said he's always wanted to see them and for us to see Mumford and Sons because they're my favorite and he was the first person I thought of to go to those shows with me. Or like when I have to make road trips to visit my family in other states, I always ask him to go along because my family loves him and he always tags along. He was even invited by my parents to go with us on the trip we are taking to celebrate my college graduation. One night, I wanted girls night out so when he texted me to hang out, I told him I had other plans with my girlfriends and he invited himself, even though I told him numerous times to go to another bar that I knew for a fact his best friend was already at, he said no and don't you know it, he went to girls night. I just think it's weird that I always ask him to do things with me and always take him on the adventures I go on but he never really asks me to do anything huge with him.
It makes me think that I love him so much and he only returns maybe half of it. Sure he'll ask me to go to parties or to his friend's house around town but now he's across the country, continuing to plan more trips, and I'm stuck here attending my college classes and going to work. The only "vacation" we've really gone on in eight months, that he personally planned, where we spend the night somewhere was at a beach, with about four other friends. Yet, the ones I planned were to Jersey to see a band we both like, to Maryland for a family party, at a casino for my 21st birthday. His entire family lives in Romania, his mother and himself are the only two people that live in the states, his mom has made mention numerous times that his grandmother wanted to meet me and that she would fly us out for a visit but my boyfriend never even talked to me about it.
It just makes me feel that I'm not good enough for him and that his heart isn't in it the way mine is. I thought after this three week trip would be over, he would be fine staying here and being with me but it seems he's got wanderlust and he doesn't want to stay confined here and that I'm holding him back since he's already planning his next getaway and with the intention of leaving me here again.
I just don't know what to do. I know there really isn't a question in here. I just need advice, I guess. I'm starting to doubt everything about the two of us and where Im mentally at, it isn't a fun place to be.
The Answer
You need to speak up
Seriously. You're taking small, out-of-context statements he made in a single phone call and blowing up into the idea that this man is standing in the way of your life dreams.
You need to get a hold of yourself, and stop dwelling on things you think he knows, and speak up.
Many people value, and need, time with their friends away from their significant other. Maybe that isn't something you value or need, but it doesn't mean it's wrong of him to place value on that time and choose it for himself.
It's okay for a couple to have different values. That is a thing you navigate by talking about those values and desires. What is not okay for you to sit and stew and decide to be angry and resentful of him, when you haven't even spoken up about the issue.
You want to go on the next trip? Say something. Now. Speak up. Own your own damn feelings and say something. You want to go to Romania? Say something. Stop waiting to try and figure out what he maybe wants by reading between the lines and making guesses about his tone of voice, or the things he didn't say that you wish he did and all that useless passive aggressive bullshit. This is not a respectful or kind what to treat him or yourself. You don't always have to be waiting for him to tell you want he wants. If you know what you want, ask for it.
You are literally torturing yourself with your own silence. You can't know if this guy cares for you, or understands what you value and want, until you speak up.
Maybe he isn't into this relationship as much as you are. Maybe he doesn't want the kind of partnership and relationship that you do, but you don't know that right now, because you haven't said anything.
Eight months is not a long time. I'm sorry, it's just not. Even if it was, no one you date will ever read your mind. Everyone you date will have some values that are not the same as yours. If you can't talk about that, you will continue this pattern of silence and resentment.
So cut this out. Find something to keep yourself, a project, a book, a tv series, anything to keep your mind distracted for the next week so you don't treat this guy like shit because he is doing something he is entirely entitled to do.
When he gets back. Tell him what you want. Then at least you'll find out where he stands and you wont just be talking yourself in dumping someone because you're too fearful of speaking up to ever find out if you are actually compatible with them!
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The Question
M 23, a female, from Nigeria, never had a real sex or anal but tried oral couple of times, does it make me sexyally active? Nd i dnt masturbate but do kegel excercise alot
The Answer
Yes. Oral sex is a form of sexual activity. Although it doesn't carry a pregnancy risk, it absolutely carries a risk of STIs.
Oral sex is sex. Anal sex is sex. Sex is sex. It's that simple.
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The Question
(I guess this would go with mental health?)
Please do not just say it's because I'm a teen, or because it's a phase.
I'm 16 years old, and I don't know if this would quite classify as a personality disorder as I have not done much research.
Everyone I know would describe me as quick witted and majorly sarcastic. I would describe my sarcasm as rude... Whenever someone says something, I'm immediately coming up with something to say back, inappropriate or not, I will say it. And I will not hold back what I have to say. Impulsivity maybe.
The people around me laugh, and say, "Wow I wish I could do that." Almost thinking that being rude is a gift or something.
I have A.D.D it runs in the family, and I've noticed it's getting worse.
I'm also extremely antisocial. I have two people in my life who I consider friends.
What I'm wanting to know is how I can stop myself from saying such things, and maybe train myself to... not be the way I am.
I don't even know if that's possible. (I've been this way my whole life.)
The Answer
Probably not a personality disorder. Not based on what you've described here.
What you've described are some really bad habits. Both bad habits inside your own mind, and bad habits coming out of your mouth. When a habit it strong enough it can feel like it's just 'the way you are', but it's still just a habit. Habits can be broken.
Although I know it's not what you want to hear, the truth is that a lot of teenagers at about your age start to realize that they don't want to be selfish and shitty to other people. It's a pretty normal part of human development. Most people reach a point as a teenager or a young adult where they begin to pull their head out of their own ass and consider how to be kind to others. Not, how to be everyone's best friend, just how to not be hurtful.
Now, just because I don't think it's reasonable to call this a personality disorder, doesn't mean a counsellor or therapist couldn't help you come up with techniques and tools to manage your own reactions and be more thoughtful when you speak. Sarcasm is usually cause by a clever—but fearful—mind. You'll need to practice kindness and learn some confidence to break this pattern of speaking.
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The Question
I've been unable to handle the pressures of high school this year. I'm a senior, and a very slow one, if you know what I mean. I'm failing some major classes due to a strong lack of interest and my finals are during this week. In my chemistry class I've learned almost nothing. I don't remember any of what I really did learn, and it's not just because of my lack of interest. I've recently noticed that reading has become increasingly difficult for me to do on my own. I cannot stay on task and I end up skipping sentences or misread things. Even when I ask for help I still can't understand what's going on. I'm also having issues in dealing with my peers. They proudly lack interest in anything that doesn't involve quite a bit of inappropriate topics. It agitates me. The classes that I enjoy, from what I've been told, have to be put aside for the requirements to be fulfilled in order for me to graduate. Unfortunately, I don't feel the same way. It's come to the point where I'm so stressed that I feel ill. I've begun to consider dropping out and hopefully pursuing an education in what I want and not what the school claims that I need. My mom told me that if I do drop out that my chances of getting into college are still possible but I'd need to make up the credits that I didn't get. She also advised me to figure out the pros and cons of this decision. As much as I'd like to graduate with my friends and get a scholarship, it doesn't seem possible where I'm at now. What would be the best thing to do?
The Answer
Dropping out without a plan to get the credits you require to graduate, would be 100% moronic. Unless you cannot function in a school environment, and are breaking down or feeling suicidal, you should continue your schooling until you have another plan in place.
Sorry. It's really that straightforward.
What you need to do is find out what credits you require and how you can get them. Speaking to a counsellor at school might be really helpful—they can usually direct to appropriate online classes or alternate schooling arrangements.
"Dropping out" is dumb. Changing the way you get your schooling so you are a more effective and successful student is what you need to do. That starts, but speaking to a school counsellor and investigating programs in your area that will allow to get the credits you need in other ways.
You should also see a doctor, and talk about your physical experiences of stress, and your difficulties. The problems you describe are not unique. Lots of young people can feel overwhelmed. It's worth making sure that there are no underlying physical problems that are making matters even worse.
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The Question
Hi guys, I'm 21 and my boyfriend is 23. We reside in Pennsylvania and he left last Wednesday to go on a three week trip with his best friend out west. They flew to Denver and had a layover and from there, they flew to Seattle. From Seattle, they're using their rental car to drive to Eugene, Oregon where their other best friend goes to school and then next week they're driving to San Francisco to finish up their adventure. While I'm so proud of him for finally doing this as it's something he's wanted to do for years, there's been many hiccups along the way.
First of all, three weeks is a long time to be without the person you love and we had a long talk before he left about how he was going to call me every night and Skype me when he could to fill me in on his adventures. While I do enjoy my time to hang out with old friends and just relax without always having him here and having to settle on a channel to watch that we both like, etc, I am starting to miss him. See, the first day that they went out adventuring, they were hiking along the coast and a wave came up and engulfed my boyfriend and his friend and consequentially, his phone got wet but somehow his friend's didn't. He and I had a texting conversation the entire day that he was traveling and when I haven't heard anything after he went to sleep the first night, he emailed me the next night to let me know what was going on. He brought his tablet along to work on school work so that's what he's been using to get ahold of me.
There's now two weeks left in his trip and the most we've been doing is emailing, one a day. I know he's out having fun all day and he isn't going to carry his tablet around and find wifi just to talk to me so he only sends me short messages before he goes to bed, many saying that hopefully he can call me the next day on his friend's phone or that we can skype and then that winds up never happening. Two days ago, I even tried to stay awake late and email him right after he emailed me so he'd get that I wanted a real conversation and he didn't. At most, his emails consist of him telling me that he'll have to show me the pictures he took that day when he gets home and then that he's going to sleep so it's not even like the messages I get are of any importance.
So, my question is - do you think it's rude of me to put in my next email to my boyfriend that if email is the only thing he can accomplish over the next 14 nights, then I'll just wait til he comes home to talk? I'm stuck here at home, continuing on with my normal life and going to work everyday and I get excited to see what cool pictures my boyfriend's best friend put on Instagram of what they did that day because my boyfriend's emails are not even descriptive of anything. I just think I should tell him to not even worry about me and enjoy his last two weeks and that I'll see him when me and the other girlfriend pick them up at the airport because this whole email thing is not cutting it for me. I'm just not sure if that's a mean thing to say.
Thanks for any advice.
The Answer
You need to be direct and honest, and ask for what you want.
Just staying up and hoping he might be able to call you, that's a great way to make sure everyone ends up confused, disappointed, and unhappy.
You are a big girl. Use your words.
Tell him "I really need to speak to you for a while, because I'm feeling disconnected and lonely. Let's set a time to talk."
It's that simple.
Cutting off contact is not cool. That would be mean and totally disrespectful of his feelings and the efforts he is making so far! He's making the time to email every day. That's not easy when you are on the road with your friends. That means he wants to put in that effort to connect with you daily! That's a lot of great contact for people who aren't 14 and see each other at school everyday. If you want more, than speak up, but don't shit on him. That's not cool.
He may very well feel really hurt by that. What if HE needs those emails? What if they help HIM feel connected to you? How would you feel if he said "Sorry, I can deal with my own loneliness right now, so don't contact me AT ALL for two weeks."? You'd probably feel pretty bad, right? Because that sucks.
It's three weeks. This is a thing that happens in adult life, and you need to consider how you cope with your own feelings—as legitimate as they are—without hurting and disrespecting him and the connection he is seeking with you.
If you want to speak to him over skype or something else, than ask to set aside a time to do that.
But when you are considering what kind of communication you are going to have in relationship, don't make ultimatums without even discussing the problem! You need to recognize he has feelings as well. Arbitrarily cutting off contact is not okay.
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The Question
What do you do when someone fairly new in your life, but who you care for and are worried about, has a dying father who doesn't want to see or talk to her before he dies? I know there's not much anyone outside of the family can do about it, but there's got to be some way to help.
Imagine that this father had two daughters and was a deadbeat to both of them when it came to taking care of them, but has always had a special spot for his first born. She's always been his perfect little princess while the youngest has always been his defiant little screw up. At least that's the way he's always seen her.
He had a certain plan for each of his girls. He had high standards when it came to where they'd go to college, what classes they'd take, what career path they'd take, what kind of guys they'd marry, and things of that nature. Neither daughter followed his demands, but the oldest came closer than the youngest did. The oldest got a pass for disobeying him simply for being his little princess, but the youngest didn't. When he felt that the youngest was defying him, he cut her out of his life. He cut her off financially, he sent back every letter she ever sent him unopened, he divorced her mother when he found out she'd been spending time with the daughter against his wishes. He and his daughter haven't spoken in ten years because the last time they did, he told her that he was ashamed of her and she was a massive disappointment as a daughter.
She's basically dead to him. He's never met her husband or children and anytime someone tells him something about her life, he tells them that he doesn't care. He probably wouldn't even know if she was alive or dead if people didn't mention her occasionally and I feel he wouldn't care about that either.
Now he's dying. After years and years of heavy smoking, he's dying of lung cancer and the family wants him and his daughter to make peace before he dies. However, neither of them are thrilled about the idea. He will be in the hospital until his death and does not want her to come see him or have any other contact with him before he dies. She doesn't want to see him either and insists that she doesn't need her father and never has. You are sorry that the dad is dying, but could care less if he gets what he wants or what's best for him when it comes to this issue. You're worried about the daughter. You know that if the dad dies before she makes peace with him, SHE will be the one in pain, not the dad. I know she cares, despite her insistence that she doesn't because I caught her breaking down and crying about all of these issues.
So what would you do? I know you can't force the two of them to see each other, but is there Amy way to help? Any help will be appreciated.
The Answer
As painful as this is to witness, you are just that: a witness.
This daughter deserves your respect, not your judgement, and you are not respecting what she has said to you. She has told you that she sincerely does not want to have contact with him. It's really quite disrespectful to treat her as though she is too stupid to make that decision for herself.
Offering someone real help, also means respecting their boundaries and choices. Otherwise, you offering judgement and bullying, not help.
You need to trust that she understands that it will be painful now no matter what she does, and she is an adult who has made her choice.
If she is pain now or after her father passes, support her with her pain and guide her towards resources and counselling, but right now, support her in the choice she has clearly told you about: Her choice not to speak to him.
Just because she is crying, or feeling grief, does not mean she wants to speak to an abusive parent. Many people don't 'make peace' with those who have harmed them in person or on their deathbed. They seek peace in their own lives, from the people who surround them with love and respect. Be one of those people. Don't be a judgey person who thinks you know best for her. Respect the simple fact that she knows best for her and she is entitled to make this choice for herself, even if you would do differently in her position.
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The Question
So I asked a previous question about my brothers who were constantly coming into my bedroom when I wanted to be alone, and how I had difficulty getting them to leave.
A lot of the answers I got suggested getting a lock on my door. A couple mentioned that them coming in when the door was closed was a way for them to try and see me in a state of undress.
I talked to my brothers and my mom about this, not quite so directly, but....
The result is that the boys have to knock if my door is closed, but that I am only supposed to close the door if I am a)changing; b) sleeping; or c) doing homework and want quiet.
So they have been pretty good about that. They haven't just waltzed in when the door was closed. However, they still take an open door as an invitation to come in. I leave the door open so that I won't get in trouble with my dad, but it doesn't mean that I want company!
Today I was sitting in my room after school, just trying to relax and get my mind off of school and stress for a few minutes.
My 15 y/o brother came in through the open door, so I told him that if he wants to come in he has to ask, and told him I would like him to leave. He said "that's not very nice".
I told him that I found it an invasion of my privacy to just walk in, and that I didn't appreciate it, and that I shouldn't have to ask nicely for him to respect my wishes every time he goes against them.
He said "if someone says something mean, that doesn't make it okay to say something mean back"
I left that statement unanswered, and went back to my previous point, saying he didn't have permission to be in my room, and asked him to please leave me alone.
He just looked at me, then at the wall. I asked him a couple more times, trying not to sound upset, but inside I was seething, because he blatantly ignored my request for him to knock, and he ignored me asking him to leave. I was about to ask my mom to get him out, when he finally left...
What do I do? I don't appreciate that they take my door being open as an invitation to enter, or that it takes so much effort on my part to get them to leave...
The Answer
He said "if someone says something mean, that doesn't make it okay to say something mean back"
The answer to his question is no. It's not.
If someone told him "I don't want to date you." which is a totally valid thing for someone to say, but may hurt his feelings or feel mean to him, would it be okay for him to turn around and say "Well you're a fat bitch anyways!"? If someone spoke to him in a harsh or mean tone, would it be okay for him to attack them, or threaten them, or steal from them just because they said something mean?
No. Of course those things wouldn't be okay. Which is why it's not okay for him to pretend "She's being mean" makes it okay for him to invade your space. Most people learn when they are about 5 years old, two wrongs don't make a right. Clearly he needs a refresher on that very basic moral guide. Like I said before: Even if you ARE mean to him (and you weren't) your boundaries are still valid and he still needs to respect them. If you are mean (and your weren't) that is a separate problem that should be addressed separately, it doesn't make him barging in okay.
Honestly, keep doing what you are doing. It may not feel like it, but what happened there is a win. Your brother is trying to bait you into loosing your cool, so that he gets the same inappropriate 'rights' to your space that he had before. He wants an excuse to go running to your parents and to claim a right to your space just because he thinks you're mean. It doesn't work like that. Each time you take the time, to be clear and as calm as possible, and he ends up leaving, you and winning and he is loosing. He may try to up the ante, and deliberately piss you off and even more, but if you can keep to what you did that time, eventually he'll realize he isn't going to be winning this fight, because he is the wrong. It feels like a lot of effort because winning in battle of wills with a disrespectful little shit like this brother does take a lot of effort, but it's worth it and you are learning a valuable skill. Be proud of yourself and keep calm and consistant.
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