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annoying brothers...still
So I asked a previous question about my brothers who were constantly coming into my bedroom when I wanted to be alone, and how I had difficulty getting them to leave.
A lot of the answers I got suggested getting a lock on my door. A couple mentioned that them coming in when the door was closed was a way for them to try and see me in a state of undress.
I talked to my brothers and my mom about this, not quite so directly, but....
The result is that the boys have to knock if my door is closed, but that I am only supposed to close the door if I am a)changing; b) sleeping; or c) doing homework and want quiet.
So they have been pretty good about that. They haven't just waltzed in when the door was closed. However, they still take an open door as an invitation to come in. I leave the door open so that I won't get in trouble with my dad, but it doesn't mean that I want company!
Today I was sitting in my room after school, just trying to relax and get my mind off of school and stress for a few minutes.
My 15 y/o brother came in through the open door, so I told him that if he wants to come in he has to ask, and told him I would like him to leave. He said "that's not very nice".
I told him that I found it an invasion of my privacy to just walk in, and that I didn't appreciate it, and that I shouldn't have to ask nicely for him to respect my wishes every time he goes against them.
He said "if someone says something mean, that doesn't make it okay to say something mean back"
I left that statement unanswered, and went back to my previous point, saying he didn't have permission to be in my room, and asked him to please leave me alone.
He just looked at me, then at the wall. I asked him a couple more times, trying not to sound upset, but inside I was seething, because he blatantly ignored my request for him to knock, and he ignored me asking him to leave. I was about to ask my mom to get him out, when he finally left...
What do I do? I don't appreciate that they take my door being open as an invitation to enter, or that it takes so much effort on my part to get them to leave...
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You should have a lock on your door any way ,that will solve all your problems.billy
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What I do not understand is why you parents insist the door to your room be open when you not doing something that require privacy. Your female, 17 almost a legal adult, you need your privacy. It is not like you have your boyfriend over and trying to have sex in your room. I wonder is the door to your parents room open except when they need privacy for what they are doing. Do they keep their door closed if they just want to be alone to say read or watch TV?
Your one brother is 15, he too needs his privacy and will need more privacy as he gets older. If he has to share a room with the younger brother this is a problem that should be addressed by your parents. Space should be made somewhere in the house for the older brother to go when he needs privacy. You should not have to forfeit your privacy because they are not able to give him the privacy he need, which is what I am thinking. In other words your parents are trying to keep a level playing field and not show any favoritism to any one of you.
Maybe they can't make a separate bedroom for your older brother. Building codes being what they are it may not be possible. What they can do and what I would do is section of a part of the basement or attic, provided you live in a house or townhome not an apartment, where you older brother can have his private space. By default the younger brother gets the shared bedroom as a private space as well.
Not knowing why your parents feel as they do limits how or what I can advise you on to help in this situation. I do agree that you are entitled to your privacy and that your brothers should not waltz in to your room uninvited door open or closed.
The only reason that makes any sense to me is the one of favoritism. Most parents feel I am one of these parents, that if you cannot do for all, you do not do for any." The last thing any good parent wants is one child feeling they are neglected or a brother or sister is the parents favored child.
The only thing I can suggest is to continue to discuss this with your mother this issue to find out the "why of the matter. You should also remind mom that shortly you will be of legal age and the legal control she has over you now ends on your birthday. Be polite about this as you will still reside in her home and be dependent upon her and your dad with that you must give them a certain amount of respect which they translate into control over you and your actions. I know for I am a parent and have made this mistake.
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He said "if someone says something mean, that doesn't make it okay to say something mean back"
The answer to his question is no. It's not.
If someone told him "I don't want to date you." which is a totally valid thing for someone to say, but may hurt his feelings or feel mean to him, would it be okay for him to turn around and say "Well you're a fat bitch anyways!"? If someone spoke to him in a harsh or mean tone, would it be okay for him to attack them, or threaten them, or steal from them just because they said something mean?
No. Of course those things wouldn't be okay. Which is why it's not okay for him to pretend "She's being mean" makes it okay for him to invade your space. Most people learn when they are about 5 years old, two wrongs don't make a right. Clearly he needs a refresher on that very basic moral guide. Like I said before: Even if you ARE mean to him (and you weren't) your boundaries are still valid and he still needs to respect them. If you are mean (and your weren't) that is a separate problem that should be addressed separately, it doesn't make him barging in okay.
Honestly, keep doing what you are doing. It may not feel like it, but what happened there is a win. Your brother is trying to bait you into loosing your cool, so that he gets the same inappropriate 'rights' to your space that he had before. He wants an excuse to go running to your parents and to claim a right to your space just because he thinks you're mean. It doesn't work like that. Each time you take the time, to be clear and as calm as possible, and he ends up leaving, you and winning and he is loosing. He may try to up the ante, and deliberately piss you off and even more, but if you can keep to what you did that time, eventually he'll realize he isn't going to be winning this fight, because he is the wrong. It feels like a lot of effort because winning in battle of wills with a disrespectful little shit like this brother does take a lot of effort, but it's worth it and you are learning a valuable skill. Be proud of yourself and keep calm and consistant.
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