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What to Do When a Dying Estranged Father Won't See His Daughter
What do you do when someone fairly new in your life, but who you care for and are worried about, has a dying father who doesn't want to see or talk to her before he dies? I know there's not much anyone outside of the family can do about it, but there's got to be some way to help.
Imagine that this father had two daughters and was a deadbeat to both of them when it came to taking care of them, but has always had a special spot for his first born. She's always been his perfect little princess while the youngest has always been his defiant little screw up. At least that's the way he's always seen her.
He had a certain plan for each of his girls. He had high standards when it came to where they'd go to college, what classes they'd take, what career path they'd take, what kind of guys they'd marry, and things of that nature. Neither daughter followed his demands, but the oldest came closer than the youngest did. The oldest got a pass for disobeying him simply for being his little princess, but the youngest didn't. When he felt that the youngest was defying him, he cut her out of his life. He cut her off financially, he sent back every letter she ever sent him unopened, he divorced her mother when he found out she'd been spending time with the daughter against his wishes. He and his daughter haven't spoken in ten years because the last time they did, he told her that he was ashamed of her and she was a massive disappointment as a daughter.
She's basically dead to him. He's never met her husband or children and anytime someone tells him something about her life, he tells them that he doesn't care. He probably wouldn't even know if she was alive or dead if people didn't mention her occasionally and I feel he wouldn't care about that either.
Now he's dying. After years and years of heavy smoking, he's dying of lung cancer and the family wants him and his daughter to make peace before he dies. However, neither of them are thrilled about the idea. He will be in the hospital until his death and does not want her to come see him or have any other contact with him before he dies. She doesn't want to see him either and insists that she doesn't need her father and never has. You are sorry that the dad is dying, but could care less if he gets what he wants or what's best for him when it comes to this issue. You're worried about the daughter. You know that if the dad dies before she makes peace with him, SHE will be the one in pain, not the dad. I know she cares, despite her insistence that she doesn't because I caught her breaking down and crying about all of these issues.
So what would you do? I know you can't force the two of them to see each other, but is there Amy way to help? Any help will be appreciated.
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You did say the father doesnt want to see her. That alone is reason enough for her not to go even if she wanted to, but she doesn't either. I understand how deep down she is hurt but appearing when neither wants to will still hurt and maybe even worse if he rants and rails at her with his last breath.
As for the Dad not being in pain, I beg to differ. Of course I do believe that we have souls that go to the other side. As long as our souls are in our mortal bodies, we hold grudges, cause pain, etc. to our dying breath if thats the type of people we've been throughout life. But its different when people die. I do remember reading many accounts of people who died but came back and shared of seeing and talking to the souls of family who'd passed on before. One acct was a father who hung back afraid to approach his daughter because he'd treated her with abused while alive. When she held out her arms to him, he confessed he thought she might not want to hug him and he apologized and told her how much he wished he had lived his life different. I have read many accounts where whatever it was that bothered a soul while yet still alive was something no longer of importance to them. The other thing they have is regrets for how they have treated people if it was badly. And so many family and friends on the other side so not have that chance to get a message thru to a loved one to tell them after death, from the other side, that they are sorry for how they treated you and the fact is, right now they truly can say they love you and are proud of you. Its the living left behind who may decide they need to hear from a loved one who has passed and will then go to mediums for help. I know there are lots of quacks but also believe there are the real ones who have the skill. I believe this as I have learned how to have conversation with God and hear his answers in convo, in my head and I have heard brief things from others close to me who have passed on, not regular like a psychic but enough occasions that I know its possible. This is a situation where you can do nothing but hold her when she cries, let her know she did nothing wrong that would be deserving of such treatment from her father. Even children who do wrong, still don't deserve such treatment. A newborn child is precious for simply existing and it can't do anything for you, it cant do anything for itself, nothing but cry. And yet so many people are drawn to babies and find them so cute and precious. That is how it should continue to be, no matter the age of the child, they are loved unconditionally, not based on what they do and don't do. That is the kind of love God has. I'm writing this for you to share with her if she starts asking questions wondering why he treated her this way. I just mentioned how it should be. And the reason it isn't always perfect in life, is because God gave each of us a free will to choose to do good or not. If he had reached in and forced this dAD to treat his daughter right, then he was being forced like a programmed robot and goes against the free will thing. So God is aware of her hurt but for that reason doesnt step in and force people to do right, to force to love unconditionally, to stop stealing, killing, robbing raping, etc. It will not be easy for her to move on in life, not knowing how Dad might feel about her after he dies, but I am sure he will tempted to come back and visit her and wish she could see and hear him. Theres a book I read long ago, a friend loaned me when my mom died, it was called "Good Grief" and goes through the normal steps of grieving. Due to her situation, there may be a chance of her getting stuck somewhere in the grieving process and never make it to the end and recover. If you can't find this book for her, find another one that just about anyone in the family will benefit from if shes not ready to go through it. You can't push a person to do anything, just get the book and leave it laying around for her to look at, and you may want to read it yourself to see if you can see her going through the steps of grieving that is listed. Many become stuck and can go on for years or the rest of their life, stuck and developing all sorts of strange habits, fears, bitterness, etc. things that don't help them heal. This is the best I have to share with you. You are a wonderful person for wanting to help and I know it will be hard for you to stand by and feel like you are doing nothing. But love her unconditionally, no matter if she still isn't willing to forgive Dad after he dies cus if in the same boat as her, you'd find it much the same struggle for yourself, any human would. And God knows that so he's very patient with those of us traumatized this way. No one should be pushing her to go see him or heal or feel a certain way after. Each person has their own path to walk in this and no two need be alike. Some times people may end up feeling the need to see a counselor after a death like this. There is such a thing a grief counseling as a specific type of counseling. You can always check around, get a brochure for someone and give it to her letting her know you are concerned about her but are leaving that decision up to her whether to go or not and won't bring it up again. All you ask of her is to look at whether the way she's going about her life after is helping her heal. Is she satisfied with how she is doing and if or when she realizeds shes still not happy, then its time for she to decide what steps to take that might help her recover and the counselor will always be a phone call away to set an appt. She may lie and say shes fine and happy but thats how she wants to feel and is only saying so to get people off her back and leave her alone. It pretty much means she is not ready yet to face what it takes to heal cus it will hurt as its all revisited in her mind before she is healed. So she may block it all in some ways, but unresolved hurts and emotions, don't stay buried forever and surface again at some unexpected moment sometimes as things that may seem unrelated. Our psyches can take unresolved pain like she suffers, and if its buried to attempt to forget, may come back needing release somehow but now not as the hurt of how Dad treated her but some odd new anxiety she never had in life before or depression. The stress has to go somewhere. So if you see anything like that, or she seems to be developing stress related illnesses, like constant headaches, migraines, stomach ulcers, itchy stress rashes on the body, in some spots or all over, and then after decades, stress can affect the heart with problems or bring on cancer. This is what you need to know and look for and all you can do is mention to her what you have learned in trying to be helpful to her and still love her if she rejects any help.
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As painful as this is to witness, you are just that: a witness.
This daughter deserves your respect, not your judgement, and you are not respecting what she has said to you. She has told you that she sincerely does not want to have contact with him. It's really quite disrespectful to treat her as though she is too stupid to make that decision for herself.
Offering someone real help, also means respecting their boundaries and choices. Otherwise, you offering judgement and bullying, not help.
You need to trust that she understands that it will be painful now no matter what she does, and she is an adult who has made her choice.
If she is pain now or after her father passes, support her with her pain and guide her towards resources and counselling, but right now, support her in the choice she has clearly told you about: Her choice not to speak to him.
Just because she is crying, or feeling grief, does not mean she wants to speak to an abusive parent. Many people don't 'make peace' with those who have harmed them in person or on their deathbed. They seek peace in their own lives, from the people who surround them with love and respect. Be one of those people. Don't be a judgey person who thinks you know best for her. Respect the simple fact that she knows best for her and she is entitled to make this choice for herself, even if you would do differently in her position.
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Wow, well first off im sorry that this person is going through this and that your having to withness it. Thats awful.
something here tells me that theres more to this story then just the things you mentioned because who could possibly act that way under the circumstances, knowing that their dying, and STILL not want to at least see their child one last time.
Your going to have to talk to this girl and tell her that this isnt about him anymore, he CHOSE to have two daughter and therefore he has a family (weather he wants to acknowledge only one of them or NOT) When someone is dying their emotions are all over the place ok. Their angry, their depressed, and unstable emotionally from day to day, so at this point when someone is dying the people around that person just need to tune out the bad shit hes saying and just BE THERE with him. If there really IS only a limited amount of time then Your friend needs to grow some thick skin, bite the bullet and just GO and see him and say "you know what im your daughter too weather you like it or not and im here because i care and your NOT going to ruin that for me or anyone else.
I took care of my mother before she was taken by breast cancer ok, and i can tell you now that in those last months or days, its all about embracing every moment together (even if their not in a good mood that day) the fact that you in one place together, spending time together, and ACTING like family is what matters. Sometimes adults have to do that in order to be able to look back and say "i was there for them in their last days, we got to talk, and we spent time together" even there was things that went unspoken.
side story: one a few different occasions before my mother died, i had moved closer to her to help out more and she slowly became more and more capable around her house, and i was there with my brand new (now 4 year old) son cleaning and doing things for her, and she was in such a shitty mood that day that she told me she didnt want me there and was getting angry at every little thing. I finally spoke up and said "HEY! im not going to let your bitch ass attitude RUIN our quality time together so RELAX and calm down" And she did, and after that she realized that i was right because she didnt have much time left on earth and decided it was best to just make the best of things and not leave me with memories of her acting like a horrible person.
if hes in a hospice now then no one is going to stop her from going to see him because shes family. It doesnt matter what rotten things he says to her, at this point shes doing this for HER so that she can look back without regret or sadness.
If you can maybe encourage her to write him a letter so that when she goes there to see him, she can read it out loud to him. This is kind of like going to see someone whos already dead but with this, shes lucky enough to have a little bit of time to where if theres anything she wants to say to him, nows the time.
Just ignore his bullshit comments, tell her not to listen to that because hes dying and doesnt know HOW to feel right now so anything he might say besides positive things should just be tuned out.
good luck
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