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Reevaluating our relationship.
So, I've talked myself into a rut and now I can't get myself out. I'm 21 and female and presently in a funk. See, my boyfriend, of eight months, left on a three week long excursion with his best friend out to California. It's something they've always talked about doing so I'm happy for him and I can't wait until he comes back and shows me all of his photos and tells me all of the stories of the memories he made.
Today was the first day he and I talked on the phone since he left a little more than a week ago because something happened with his phone and last night, he finally got a new one. Today's conversation was great and he told me how it was finally nice to hear my voice because he missed me. But he made no mention of missing home or even being excited to come home. I told him I'm counting down the days until he flies back in and we can hang out again and he asked me how many days were left because he isn't even keeping track. I know he's having fun and everything but it just doesn't really seem like he's missing me as much as I am him and that kind of stings.
He also told me today that him and his best friend made a pact this week to see every national state park but left no mention of his best friend's girlfriend or I being able to tag along on their next adventures (even though before he left for this one, he told me that any other trip of this magnitude, I am invited on) but it didn't really seem that he wanted me to at all. I know, you're probably thinking that this isn't even set in stone, they're just talking about it like they've talked about this trip for years but have no fear, he was so hype on "yeah, we already googled where the next one is going to be and when my vacation days get replenished" and that Alaska supposedly has six so him and his best friend have to go to Alaska and see the Northern Lights - which was a little slap in the face because he knows that's been a dream of mine since I was little.
So then it got me thinking that since he and I started dating, when I made plans with my friends, I always asked him to go with. Like, there's a big music festival that my friends and I go to every summer and I asked him if he would want to tag along this year and he said yes, I didn't have to ask but I did because I love him and I want him and my best friends to be there, enjoying all of my favorite bands with me. I even paid for us to see The Blue Man Group for his birthday because he said he's always wanted to see them and for us to see Mumford and Sons because they're my favorite and he was the first person I thought of to go to those shows with me. Or like when I have to make road trips to visit my family in other states, I always ask him to go along because my family loves him and he always tags along. He was even invited by my parents to go with us on the trip we are taking to celebrate my college graduation. One night, I wanted girls night out so when he texted me to hang out, I told him I had other plans with my girlfriends and he invited himself, even though I told him numerous times to go to another bar that I knew for a fact his best friend was already at, he said no and don't you know it, he went to girls night. I just think it's weird that I always ask him to do things with me and always take him on the adventures I go on but he never really asks me to do anything huge with him.
It makes me think that I love him so much and he only returns maybe half of it. Sure he'll ask me to go to parties or to his friend's house around town but now he's across the country, continuing to plan more trips, and I'm stuck here attending my college classes and going to work. The only "vacation" we've really gone on in eight months, that he personally planned, where we spend the night somewhere was at a beach, with about four other friends. Yet, the ones I planned were to Jersey to see a band we both like, to Maryland for a family party, at a casino for my 21st birthday. His entire family lives in Romania, his mother and himself are the only two people that live in the states, his mom has made mention numerous times that his grandmother wanted to meet me and that she would fly us out for a visit but my boyfriend never even talked to me about it.
It just makes me feel that I'm not good enough for him and that his heart isn't in it the way mine is. I thought after this three week trip would be over, he would be fine staying here and being with me but it seems he's got wanderlust and he doesn't want to stay confined here and that I'm holding him back since he's already planning his next getaway and with the intention of leaving me here again.
I just don't know what to do. I know there really isn't a question in here. I just need advice, I guess. I'm starting to doubt everything about the two of us and where Im mentally at, it isn't a fun place to be.
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The phone thing is kinda suspicious. Couldn't he call you on his friend's phone? He obviously is a free spirited Guy and men like that hate confinement. The thing is you need to fill up your time, do things you love. Plan a trip with your female friends. Have a life of your own. I know he is your boyfriend and you love him, but he will appreciate your independence. Why should he go out having all the fun while you torture yourself obsessing over what he is doing.
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I agree, it isn't a fun place to be. The part of life where we experience and hopefully learn from relationships until we find the one who is deserving of us for a lifetime, is a hard road filled with lots of disappointments, crash and burns, side tracks, etc. But it still is the best way I know of to learn what we need to learn in order to find Mr. Right.
You are a very intelligent young lady to have picked up on the things wrong here with this relationship, the things you are also sensing with your intuition are most likely right too.
You mentioned things don't sound even, like you're putting more effort into the relationship than he and I would have to agree, at least from what you have shared it seems so. Then again, at early twenties, there are few males mature enough and ready enough to know how to look for Ms Right, and fewer still who are ready to make such a serious commitment that may end up for lifetime.
For your Mom or his, or his grandmother, by this time, a young man was married or getting ready to marry. His grandma has assumed that he is that seriously committed to you to offer to fly you out. If he were totally in love with you and ready to commit to forever, then all his future plans would include you and most certainly, he'd be delighted to take you to meet grandma. He may be a nice young man and wake up in 10 yrs to be ready for a relationship but most young ladies are not willing to wait that long for a possibility that may never come to fruition for some guys never grow up and some decide to remain bachelors for life. I think he may be into the girlfriend and dating thing more for the social aspect, a female to hang out with when he wants to hang out, and to go out with to dinner or a movie. I find dating a stage where if attracted to and in initial conversation you enjoy talking to the new person, then dating is needed to discover more about the person, what you do like and don't like which is exactly what has happened to you. So now its decision time. This is the point where two people take what they have learned and decide if its mostly good and you want to stay together to learn even more about each other or if the differences are great enough or the two not at the same point in life or on the same track and decide to part ways. If all good, this is the committed couple stage, living together or not, dating exclusively, in love. Marriage plans are there for the far or near future.
Happily ever after doesn't happen just because you wish it so. It only happens when both parties put in maximum effort to make it so. That's a quote of my own that basically means, a relationship won't work well, if at all, if the efforts and work put into the relationship are unbalanced and the feelings for each other are not equal either. I know that from my first marriage. I had to do everything and he put in no effort. In the end, in counseling, he admitted after dodging the question several times, that he had never been in love with me. He only loved me as a person and mother of his kids. Thats like me saying I love cheesecake. But I can live without it. If I were to lose my 2nd husband, its not like losing a chance to have cheesecake. I can always find another cheesecake, but this new husband is not replaceable, he is unique. And thats what we all want to be for a special someone, so unique that they love everything about you, inside and out and don't want to have to live without you or apart from you for long. Loving you unconditionally. Thats being in love. You may feel thats where you are at, but I doubt this young man of yours is there.
I made a list when looking for a 2nd husband. I was willing to be a social dating girlfriend for any guys that came somewhat close and were nice gentlemen I was attracted to, but they still didnt want marriage ever. They knew if I met the right one, I'd be gone and were okay with it. You may want to have that plan and attitude. It is okay to date several people at once so as to not miss an opportunity to meet the right person, but once in the dating process you are sure enough to whittle down to just the one guy, then all your social male friends are told you are now in a committed relationship and no more social dating or friends with benefits. The guy you wish to date needs to know whether you have male friends who are only social dating friends, but with no real future potential as a husband, if thats what you are looking for. To expect tho to find a guy who will be content to be totally devoted only to you, totally in love and just date for years on end until the both of you are ready to marry and have kids and then marry that same guy, hey its fairytale stuff, of romance books and movies and not much reality in real life for most of us. I am sure there are a few lucky ones out there but in general honey, that doesnt happen. You will need to go through several relationships before deciding whos right for you.
I suggest you make a list. to help you recognize the right guy when you meet him and also to let others who ask you out and want to keep seeing you what your criteria are for a guy you remain involved with. Be clear on your hopes and dreams and goals and your 'must haves' which are the deal breakers. If he can't be that, or isnt ready to be or willing to be that, or has to change totally who his character is, then that is a deal breaker. Example: A girl wants kids someday, the guy came from a big family and hates a full house and has vowed he will never have kids, actually can't stand them. This is something to know in those initial few early dates to stop things right there. He may be great in many other ways but you need to stick with what it is you really need. What you want is another list entirely and is more like the icing on the cake, not necessary but it would be nice. One of mine was a guy with long hair since I have always since a child, loved playing with peoples long hair. Did it with my mom, my daughters and now with my husband. i lucked out on that. I will stop here and if you have more things you'd like to ask just of me, write to me from my column. I wish for the best for you. I think you'll do find in the end whatever you decide as you seem to have a good head on your shoulders and you do seek advice. Blessings!
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You need to speak up
Seriously. You're taking small, out-of-context statements he made in a single phone call and blowing up into the idea that this man is standing in the way of your life dreams.
You need to get a hold of yourself, and stop dwelling on things you think he knows, and speak up.
Many people value, and need, time with their friends away from their significant other. Maybe that isn't something you value or need, but it doesn't mean it's wrong of him to place value on that time and choose it for himself.
It's okay for a couple to have different values. That is a thing you navigate by talking about those values and desires. What is not okay for you to sit and stew and decide to be angry and resentful of him, when you haven't even spoken up about the issue.
You want to go on the next trip? Say something. Now. Speak up. Own your own damn feelings and say something. You want to go to Romania? Say something. Stop waiting to try and figure out what he maybe wants by reading between the lines and making guesses about his tone of voice, or the things he didn't say that you wish he did and all that useless passive aggressive bullshit. This is not a respectful or kind what to treat him or yourself. You don't always have to be waiting for him to tell you want he wants. If you know what you want, ask for it.
You are literally torturing yourself with your own silence. You can't know if this guy cares for you, or understands what you value and want, until you speak up.
Maybe he isn't into this relationship as much as you are. Maybe he doesn't want the kind of partnership and relationship that you do, but you don't know that right now, because you haven't said anything.
Eight months is not a long time. I'm sorry, it's just not. Even if it was, no one you date will ever read your mind. Everyone you date will have some values that are not the same as yours. If you can't talk about that, you will continue this pattern of silence and resentment.
So cut this out. Find something to keep yourself, a project, a book, a tv series, anything to keep your mind distracted for the next week so you don't treat this guy like shit because he is doing something he is entirely entitled to do.
When he gets back. Tell him what you want. Then at least you'll find out where he stands and you wont just be talking yourself in dumping someone because you're too fearful of speaking up to ever find out if you are actually compatible with them!
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I thinking your overthinking things here, partially because he is on one coast on you are on another plus you are missing him. Another thing to take into consideration is that you are looking at things from a female's perspective and he looks at things from a male's perspective.
I'll get kicked out of the boys club for this one but men have a real bad habit of taking things for granted. If he is comfortable in his relationship with you he is not thinking about needing to invite you. He's thinking if she can't go when it is planned for she will tell me. Think about it why would he tell you so far in advance if he was not thinking of you being with him.
The best advice I can give you is this. Communication is key to any relationship. While he is away stop trying to read into what he tells you and may not be telling you just enjoy the conversation. Right now he is excited about what he is doing and saying. Anxious to communicate that all to you in what by any length is a short phone call. Wait until he is home and in your arms and then talk to him. You two have to learn to communicate with each other so you each know the others concerns and thoughts. If you cannot communicate successfully then no amount of love or sex will make a relationship work.
Seriously sex can bring a couple together. It can keep a couple together for a long period of time as well. One day though you find a need to talk to each other and when that happens you find you have nothing in common. That's when the relationship fails. Better to find out now if you can successfully communicate and what if anything you really have in common. For that I fear is what you are really fearing at the moment.
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