(Ask A Question.) (Feedback.) (Discussion Board.) (Make Razhie A Favourite.) (Advicenators.)
Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
Favourite Collumnists.
(WittyUsernameHere.) (karenR.) (NinjaNeer.) (rainbowcherrie.) (DangerNerd.)
The Question
Okay, it's a long story.... I started talking to this guy about three months ago (We are both 17 by the way) He and I hit it off and he asked me to be his girlfriend, but he just wanted to hang out a few more times first before it became official. He even told me he loved me. Well, between the times we hung out, he met another girl and started dating her behind my back and lied to me about it, telling me he was too busy for a girlfriend with hockey and school and everything and that the distance between us was too much (40 minutes away) However, this other girl lives even farther away from him. Now, he did tell me maybe later on he and I could date if things didn't work out for him and this other girl. But I really don't want to wait for that to happen. And, now I have started to develop feelings for this guy's BEST friend. Would it be okay for me to date his best friend since the original guy and I were never technically dating, and he is the one who broke it off with me? What should I do??
The Answer
If it comes to it, talk to his best friend about it.
Really, it sounds like you have no reason to feel his friend is off limits, but the best friend might have reason to feel that you are off limits to him. After all, he knows his friend's side of the story as well, and is the better judge of how his friend will take it.
He's really the one who needs to consider his friends feelings and make the judgement on the situation. Go ahead and flirt - if it goes further - ask him if he thinks there is a problem.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and eight months. We have been through a lot together and I love him with everything that I have. So we had an issue today. I had work and he said he was going to come get me and help me get to my a dance concert I had to attend for class and write a paper on. I usually get off at five but the next person taking my shift came late so it was about five thirty by the time they got there. I called my boyfriend asking if he was still coming or not. A part of me was irritated because he was not there yet... He knew I was working and didn't just come you know. So anyway...after asking him if he was still coming or not, he started getting weird saying that he didn't like like my attitude....so I then repeated to him the same thing telling him that if he is canceling on him I need to know so that I can find someone to take me....we ended up hanging up on each other. Am I wrong?
The Answer
It was rude of your boyfriend to cancel last minute, without even letting you know he was canceling. That was very rude and inconsiderate of him.
But further than that, we can't say. You haven't told us enough. Fights don't take place in little glass jars. There is likely a lot going on in your lives that led to this, and it's unlikely that you are completely blameless in every disagreement you have with him.
You need to ask him what happened, and be clear that it was really not cool to make a plan and then just not show. You also have to be open to hearing that you might have handled things better as well.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
To start off with, I'm not a dad... but I'm prepping myself for the day.
My question revolves around this article I read tonight... and I would like to get opinions from real world perants, or, well, from everyone willing to state whever they have kids or not and their reasoning behind it.
Would you consider manipulting your child into doing something that you want them to do?
The Answer
"Manipulation" is a weird word to use, and your question is very vague. Manipulation implies negativity, but doesn't actually need to be a negative thing.
A skilled sculptor will 'manipulate' the clay. A skilled pilot 'manipulates' the plane. A skilled instructor might 'manipulate' a lecture or class to hold everyone's attention and to build to the point with greatest impact.
I would fully intend to manipulate (meaning: manage skillfully) my child during potty training, or at the dentists office. I would treat my child fairly and respectfully, but I would also set us both up to succeed in situations - by manipulating those situations, and my child's understanding of those situations.
I am going to let my child believe in Santa. Is that manipulation?
I would be more willing to let my child quit a sport or activity if I found it exhausting to take them. Is that manipulation?
I'd absolutely try to make my children play the game of 'who can stay quiet longest!" (I doubt it would work, but I would try!). Is that manipulation?
Maybe it would be helpful if you linked to the article you read, and asked a more specific question. As it stands, all I can say is: Yes. There are fair and legitimate ways in which is would 'manipulate' my kids. There are also totally unfair and illegitimate ways in which I would NEVER manipulate my kids. There may even be some gray zone between those two types of manipulation that I would have to consider on a case by case, and child by child, basis.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
My ex boyfriend and I broke up due to a misunderstanding and in one day he decided to move on to another girl, someone I used to be friends with. He also knows that I didn't like her very much. When we were together, and even from before, he wasn't a really public person, when it came to facebook, etc. Now I know those aren't important things to make public in a relationship but it does help to an extent. When he went out with me, he took forever to change his relationship status until he changed it on my computer right next to me. He also didn't like going to clubs very much either. Now that he's with this new chick, he immediately uploads AND defaults two new ones at a club, like as soon as he took them. He barely ever changed his default to a picture with him and I. Granted we never really took any together because none of us had camera phones while together, but even the times we were, he never brought up the idea to. And it seems like he's the one pushing for it. Anyway, most people tell me she's his rebound chick, when me and him have been together on and off for like two years. I was the girl he got the closest to, since his ex before me. When I tried to explain to him the situation, he said that he didn't want to hear it and he had already made up his mind. I backed down because there was no use putting up a fight (they were already close).
Another thing, part of the reason why this whole thing occured was because I might be moving before this year is out. Neither of us want a long distance relationship. And I knew if i moved, we would have to end it. So, part of me feels like this happened for the best, assuming I do end up moving.
But what do you guys think about his new relationship. People say that even though she's his rebound, he'll eventually fall hard for her (he probably already did). And how should I be feeling about this?
The Answer
It's not your business, and you'll never know for sure.
The hardest part of breaking up - is you don't get to know whats going on in his head anymore.
We could all sit around here and take wild guesses and throw nasty labels at him and this new girl. We could psychoanalyze the whole thing... but why?
This new relationship could be rebound, he also might be really into this girl and trying to fix things he felt were mistakes in his past relationship (with you).
You'll never know.
As for how you should be feeling...
Feel however you feel. You get to be angry and annoyed and frustrated and jealous and that is all perfectly okay. Don't DO anything nasty or cruel, but feel what you feel and be honest with yourself about it. That's the best way to process it, and to take care of yourself.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years. We are so great together, but like all couples, we have minor issues. My boyfriend has a best friend(who i DO NOT like at all), and he seems to convince my boyfriend to do anything and everything. He pretty much is a BIG influence over him. Well his best friend moved somewhat far away, and everytime he comes and visits, my boyfriend ends up smoking weed with him. I dont preferably like that, i understand weed is not a big deal, but i dont prefer it in my house, or the one i love to do it or be around my family with it. Anyway, he does it everytime he comes and visits, and he always lies to me about it. i have to pry it out of him if he did anything. and one time he pinky promised me e would not but he did because his friends wouldnt leave him alone unless he did it. he hasnt done it in a long time, but when he mentioned his best friend is coming down in a week, i get mad, and scared and worried. he has such a big influence over him/ he reassures me he wont do it, but it happens everytime his friend is around. do you think im just being irrational and crazy over something so small? or should he just respect what i want? im confused, cause it bothers him when i act like this, but i cant help it. i just dont want it in our lives. should i just relax and get over this minor thing or talk and be more firm with him on the subject? any advice would be great! thank you!
The Answer
So, you know he is going to smoke weed when this friend comes over.
He knows you know.
He lies to you.
Then you chew at him until he tells you the truth.
Then you get to be annoyed at both the weed and the lie that you already knew had happened.
Does this seem like a productive pattern for you?
Regardless of whether you are being irrational or not - are you getting what you want? Or have you simply slipped into a hold pattern where he does what he wants and you give him shit about it?
Your boyfriend wants to smoke weed with his friend. End of story. This is what he wants to do. It would be nice, if your boyfriend would man up, and just admit that that is what he wants and what he is going to do. But regardless of whether he will say or not - clearly - that is what is happening.
Does he need to just respect your wishes?
No. His desire to smoke weed with his friend doesn't get trumped by your desire to not have him smoke weed with his friend.
He gets to make the final choice about that.
You get to decide what YOU do about his choice.
For example - if your really don't want weed in your life, you could man up and break up with him.
If you really don't want weed in your life, you might need to dump him. Because he has made it pretty clear that he does, and right now the unspoken agreement you and your boyfriend have about this is that he can smoke weed with his friend like he wants too, and then he just has to sit through your bitching for a while.
Lots of couples have agreements like that. Sometimes, they even work out. One partner gets to do something they feel is okay, and the other gets their knickers in a twist for a while, and then gets over it and the relationship goes back to normal until the issue comes up again.
It's normal. So maybe you'll just keep on living like that. If you want to change, you are going to have to look to yourself to create it. Not your boyfriend.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
I have no interest in becoming anorexic but seriously, how do they eat so little for so long!? I went 2 days without eating because, well I forgot lol. Anyway, I eat so much, like a LOT!!! I couldn't imagine ever not eating for so long! Are anorexics really that determined? Thanks! :D
The Answer
They are not determined.
They are mentally ill.
The person who wraps his house entirely in tinfoil isn't determined - he's nuts. The person who eats 5 grapes and a 1 inch cube of cheese everyday is not determined - they've lost it.
It's AMAZING the shit you can pull off, when you stop worrying about reality.
On the physical side - your body gives up on giving you hunger pains at some point, and you become accustomed to feeling weak and faint. Being deeply sick becomes a persons' new normal, and they don't necessarily remember what it was like to not be anorexic. Compound that with the irrational thinking that fuels an eating disorder, and it's not so much about how they manage it, but why they can't stop it.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Recently, I found out my wife was shaving an online affair with an old fling from high school. They were planning on cheating together. After confronting her the emails tapered off and she became more open about the guy. We have been going to counseling. During our sessions she admitted that she believed that she was hitting it off with this other guy because "he gets" her and he could make her laugh. They have some background that obviously helped them to get back together. My wife says she wants us to stay together and she wants things to work. I talked to the guy and he says things have turned only to a friendship and I shouldn't be threatened by him. Recently, my wife had a heart to heart discussion with me and she stated that she didn't really feel love for me all of the time. She knows I'm trying to win her over and appreciates the things I have been doing. She says she wants to feel something and she wants me to "fight for her". She went on to say that it seemed as though when I found out about the affair I didn't really seem phased by it. I know this has a lot to do with what my parents went through and the fact that I had always had a feeling she was seeking out someone else.She told me that if she ever did decide to go after someone else she would tell me because she wouldn't want to have secrets. I know we are doing better now but, I'm wondering what she really means by fighting for her. I have been helping out around the house a lot more and have even ramped up on the gifts and spontaneously sending flowers. I have even paid her more compliments about her looks and things that she does. So I guess I'm confused as to what else I need to do.
The Answer
Well, you should ask her to end contact with the guy she had an emotional affair with.
That might help her recognize that you DID have issue with her cheating, and that you are willing to fight - not just for 'her' - but for the kind of marriage you want to have.
It's one thing for her to ask you to fight for the relationship - it's another for her to purposely throw road blocks up in front of you. Continuing this 'friendship' after she has openly acknowledged that her friendship with that man has crossed some serious lines is doing just that.
Even if he is 'not a threat' and 'just a friend' she must understand that ending her inappropriate and high risk friendship with him is her PART in fighting for your marriage.
You can ask her (maybe in one of your counseling sessions) what kind of other things would help her recognize that you are working on this.
You also, in my opinion, should ask her to take on some of the fight too, and focus on friendships with people she didn't recently have a deceitful affair with.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
My left breast is itchy, and I think I itched it too much. Anyways, when I took off my shirt, my breast was red and it looked shiny; unlike my other breast. It burns A LOT. Do I have breast cancer? If not, what is this? And what do I do? Help immediately
The Answer
Not cancer.
I mean, I'm not a doctor. I can't say with 100% certainty you don't have cancer, but your itchy breast doesn't mean you have cancer!
Most likely, something has irritated the skin on your breast. Ingrown hair, the sweating too much, an uncomfy shirt, a badly fitting bra... or even a bacteria skin infection. All of those are far, far more likely than cancer. Breast cancer doesn't 'itch'.
So stop scratching and make sure that none of your clothing (or new bath products maybe...) are causing it. Going to a doctor is not a bad idea if it continues. But stop with the cancer fear. That's just absurd.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Why don't people realize this? Hear me out, to get the full scope of what I'm talking about. I can tell if you responded without actually reading what I wrote. I'm genuinely interested in your response, whether it's positive or negative. I thought for some time about this.
Because it's essentially saying that even if someone was the perfect guy for you; you shared common interests, he treated you very well, you found him very attractive, etc. he wouldn't even be an option, because of his race. There's nothing racist if someone happens to only date within their race because out of the people they've met, the ones they connect the best with are within their race. But to say that you only want to date within your race is racist, even if you have friends outside of your race, because it implies that even if you happened to connect with someone very well, you wouldn't think they're good enough for marriage, for a very shallow reason. And just because you haven't met someone outside of your race that you could really connect with doesn't mean that it could never happen.
It's racist to want to stay within your race to "make sure your kids look almost exactly like you" as it is to want to date outside of your race, to "make sure your kids look different from you". they're both just as racist, and superficial. People like this shouldn't even have kids, to pass on such stupid beliefs. If you love your daughter's blonde hair and blue eyes more than you love her personality, or the fact that she's your daughter and shares half your DNA, you have issues.
The whole "preserving bloodlines" thing is complete bull, too. There's no such thing as a "pure" race, as it's been scientifically proven that race doesn't even exist at all; it's just a social concept. It's a faulty social concept, because when you trace people's DNA, it spreads across various continents. And if people truly believed in the "one drop rule" then everyone in the world would be considered black, as humans are originally from Africa. we have different skin colors because of the different amounts of melanin in our skin; a very insignificant part of our DNA as a whole. racism was just created to give white males more power; that's it. for example, it was easy to justify enslaving blacks when you saw them as less than human, as someone of another "race". By the way, by saying this, I'm not saying that I have a grudge on all whites, or whatever. Nor am I saying that all whites were like that back then. I'm just saying historical truths.
It really boggles my mind why race is still an issue in society, especially American society. I understand why someone might be wary to date someone out of their culture, but race and culture are not always synonymous. Also, it's hypocritical for someone to use that to try and justify not dating outside of their race, and yet they may date a white person from Sweden, even though they are from Brazil, or they may date a black person from the Caribbean, even though they are from Australia. You may have grew up together in school with someone of a different race, but you're more likely have more in common with someone from another continent, because you're the same skin color! Am I the only one who sees how silly this is?
It's sad that interracial couples are often treated with disdain, in our society. They're no different from same-race couples, to be honest (granted they became a couple for non-superficial reasons). It just doesn't make any logical sense to me. people shouldn't feel ashamed or w/e, because they're doing nothing wrong
personally, I'm a black girl, but I've been attracted to various guys, of various ethnic backgrounds. I have no preference of the type of guy I marry, as long as he's good looking, we have similar interests and lifestyles, and we connect very well. isn't that how it's supposed to be?Because it's essentially saying that even if someone was the perfect guy for you; you shared common interests, he treated you very well, you found him very attractive, etc. he wouldn't even be an option, because of his race. There's nothing racist if someone happens to only date within their race because out of the people they've met, the ones they connect the best with are within their race. But to say that you only want to date within your race is racist, even if you have friends outside of your race, because it implies that even if you happened to connect with someone very well, you wouldn't think they're good enough for marriage, for a very shallow reason. And just because you haven't met someone outside of your race that you could really connect with doesn't mean that it could never happen.
It's racist to want to stay within your race to "make sure your kids look almost exactly like you" as it is to want to date outside of your race, to "make sure your kids look different from you". they're both just as racist, and superficial. People like this shouldn't even have kids, to pass on such stupid beliefs. If you love your daughter's blonde hair and blue eyes more than you love her personality, or the fact that she's your daughter and shares half your DNA, you have issues.
The whole "preserving bloodlines" thing is complete bull, too. There's no such thing as a "pure" race, as it's been scientifically proven that race doesn't even exist at all; it's just a social concept. It's a faulty social concept, because when you trace people's DNA, it spreads across various continents. And if people truly believed in the "one drop rule" then everyone in the world would be considered black, as humans are originally from Africa. we have different skin colors because of the different amounts of melanin in our skin; a very insignificant part of our DNA as a whole. racism was just created to give white males more power; that's it. for example, it was easy to justify enslaving blacks when you saw them as less than human, as someone of another "race". By the way, by saying this, I'm not saying that I have a grudge on all whites, or whatever. Nor am I saying that all whites were like that back then. I'm just saying historical truths.
It really boggles my mind why race is still an issue in society, especially American society. I understand why someone might be wary to date someone out of their culture, but race and culture are not always synonymous. Also, it's hypocritical for someone to use that to try and justify not dating outside of their race, and yet they may date a white person from Sweden, even though they are from Brazil, or they may date a black person from the Caribbean, even though they are from Australia. You may have grew up together in school with someone of a different race, but you're more likely have more in common with someone from another continent, because you're the same skin color! Am I the only one who sees how silly this is?
It's sad that interracial couples are often treated with disdain, in our society. They're no different from same-race couples, to be honest (granted they became a couple for non-superficial reasons). It just doesn't make any logical sense to me. people shouldn't feel ashamed or w/e, because they're doing nothing wrong
personally, I'm a black girl, but I've been attracted to various guys, of various ethnic backgrounds. I have no preference of the type of guy I marry, as long as he's good looking, we have similar interests and lifestyles, and we connect very well. isn't that how it's supposed to be?
The Answer
It is, by definition, racist. Racism is defining a person's unworthiness or disqualification (or other attribute but usually expressed as a negative), solely on the basis on their race.
If you are disqualifying someone from a certain kind of job, or role in the world (include, as a person you might consider worth dating or being friends with) that's racism, plain and simple.
It's also perfectly allowed, unforcunately. Romance, sex and friendship are one of the few places where (even if it is rude, racist or inappropriate) people are free to disqualify others for ANY reason they choose. You can choose not to date guys with glasses, or Asian guys, or short guys. It might be shallow, or racist, but it's also certainly a personal prerogative.
On the flip side, bias against interracial couples is complete bullshit. Frankly, it's also more of an issue in many parts of America then it is in most other 1st world countries. I've never heard a person I've meet in person ever address anything about the way children might look, or keeping blood lines 'pure'. I think they'd probably get punched if they did. The best thing you can do to fight it in your sphere is to correct it in people when you see or hear them doing it (not punch them, tempting as it may be.)
Finally, I'll say this: I've been attracted to various people, of various ethnic and cultural backgrounds and have the added complication of having been attracted to people who have various gender identification AND I have preferences! I definitely have cultural and physical preferences, which lend themselves, through some fair and some unfair generalizations, to some cultural and racial preferences.
Having those preferences and making those generalizations doesn't make a person evil, or racist when it comes to love and sex. It's difficult, if not impossible, to look at the world without any cultural or racial generalizations. It doesn't do us much good to pretend those preferences and generalizations don't exist in our brains - the best thing we can do is be on guard for them, question them and re-evaluate them when we meet individuals.
When it comes to our most intimate relationships, we need to acknowledge our personal biases, but awknowlwdging doesn't mean they are suddenly 'not racist'. "I just feel it!" doesn't make refusing to even consider a person of anything race as a rommantic partner any less racist. Instead, being aware of our biases should call us to examine individuals more carefully AS individuals, not based on our preconceived ideas about the groups they belong too.
I agree with Ninja in the end - even if you meet guys who do have those preferences and generalization in their brains - if they aren't willing to look past them and have them challenged, all that is is the perfect loser filter.
But on the flip side of that: You need to be careful not to disqualify others around you who have biases, maybe even racist ideas, but are willing to have them questioned and challenged. Racism and tribalism are deeply ingrained in the human psyche. Mild to moderate racist gaffes and biases are almost impossible to avoid - even for the most senstive and aware person. No one can fairly be expected to defeat these irrational thoughts completely. Someday you might even find something racist slipping out of your own mouth - an error in judgement so insidious - you don't even catch it until you are made to look it in the eye.
So give people you meet with these biases and racist ideas a chance to really look at those ideas. Take a deep breath and know you've got reason on your side. You want get through to everyone, but you'll always be helping them down the right path.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Okay, so to start off my boyfriend is very insecure. He's the kind of guy who thinks being friends with guys,is no good. Also if I'm smiling and talking to guys, he'll instantly expect that I'm going behind his back and doing something wrong. This lead me to believe something was not right with him and, what if something was going on behind mine?
Haha, and here's where things get great.
The other night I had the chance to casually look through some things on his laptop while he was out for about 10 minutes. I know this is wrong, but I have things that can back me up. He is constantly looking at my phone, facebook messages, and is basically an overall controlling in his actions. I accidentally left my computer over his house the other night, and know better to assume he didn't just "put it in it's case". Had he have trusted me, I would have respected his privacy as well.
What I found clearly surprised me, although, I expected it to happen.
What I found, under and untitled folder, was a ton of other folders. These folders had names of various ex's, and some other girls I knew. When I opened up the folders I saw naked pictures, photoshopped pictures of the girl on other pornstars' bodies and some possibly sent to him. There were about 6 folders, and I know pretty much all of the girls. Also, one was of me (and of a picture I hadn't known he'd taken of me). My hands are shaking just writing this. I wouldn't be so upset, if one folder wasn't so recent. It was of a girl he had just met at school,and I've even hung out with her. He'd took all of these girl's pictures off of facebook, while we were dating. I'm not sure if they were sent to him or not, but some, look clearly sent.
Now, now I just don't know what to do. I can't unsee what I've seen and feel that all he's been is a lie. We've been dating for about 2 years, and on the surface things are wonderful. We've told eachother how much we love one another , but I trust my instincts and intuition enough to try to comprehend that something,right now, is not right.
My question is what would YOU do? I need more perspectives.
The Answer
Break up with him (and possibly, as long as you don't feel threatened by him, tell him why).
Look: What you did was wrong, and it really don't matter that what he was doing was 'more wrong first'. You can't move forward in your romantic life dating people who cyber spy on you, and you need to not to that to your partner either.
It doesn't matter if 'they started it'. If your partner starts that degree of disrespect, distrust and control, you dump them. Don't use it as an excuse to sink just as low yourself. Once you (or your partner) feel the need to go through someone's personal things, trust is already gone and the relationship is already over. You probably should have broken up with him, not gone through his stuff. You had more than enough evidence of this being a bad relationship before snooping on his computer.
As for the files, I have no problem with pornography, but photoshopping the photos of women you know, and taking photos of your girlfriend she doesn't know about, and soliciting photos from other women while in a relationship - that's not just porn, that's a serious, active invasion of privacy and cheating. That crosses from very serious boundaries, and in some places would be flat out illegal.
So break up with him and tell him it's because he's a controlling maniac and that this very, very creepy folder of images was the final straw and not an okay way to behave.
Don't take a wishy-washy 'break' from him. Break up with him. It's been over for a damn long time. Make your peace with it.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
this is not re: a relationship that I am currently in, but I need more of a realistic perspective to ensure that I am not overanalyzing/overthinking the situation. Last year I began attending a new church, and a guy caught my eye and vice versa (as there was an indefinite blank stare). This wen on (more from his end than me) until recently. Now I notice that if I discern he is watching/staring, I can never catch him. It appears that he "just" turns his head before I can see him. We have never conversed but I noticed he seemingly gets upset if a male sits next to me/near me i.e. he will turn his body in disapproval (in such an obvious way). Could it be that I remind him of someone, or am I over-analyzing the situation.
The Answer
You are over-analyzing the situation.
Eve if he is interested (and your evidence for this is pretty thin) a guy who has never spoken to you isn't all that interested at all.
Speak to him, or learn to ignore it. At this point, your brain likely making up many of these events just to justify your belief that they are happening. It's not healthy and it's not productive.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Jane 13/f
For the past week this guy maybe 18 or 20 has been sending me disgusting messages on facebook and I don't know him. First he started sending me messages like how old are you and where do I live, but I never answered. Now he sends me messages like I want to F**k you or he would send me messages saying he wants to touch my body and other disgusting messages. Now I starting to get scared and he won't leave me alone. What should I do.
The Answer
You should really talk to your parents. That would be the best thing to do, so he can be reported to the police.
You can, and should, also block him and report him to Facebook.
Find out how to report a message on Facebook here:
http://www.facebook.com/help/?faq=199655413426788
Find out how to block someone on Facebook here:
http://www.facebook.com/help/?faq=168009843260943
You should also change your privacy settings. At 13, you should not be allowing strangers to find you and contact you on Facebook (frankly, I don't think ANYONE should let total strangers find them on Facebook, but minors definitely shouldn't be...)
Find our more about privacy settings here:
http://www.facebook.com/help/?page=132569486817869
Or click on the top right hand little arrow beside the Home button when you are logged into Facebook, and change your "How you connect" settings to allow only friends to message you and friends of friends to find you on Facebook.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
F/17
A girl I used to be good friends with is giving puppies away in maybe six or so weeks- they're just a couple weeks old right now. And I want one so badly! They're Pitbull/Rottweiler mixes, two of my favorite breeds of all time. I've lived with dogs my whole life and when I move out next year, I want to be able to have a dog with me.
I understand that they're a lot of responsibility and it takes money and work. It's why I'm trying to find a job to afford the puppy I want, but my parents are pretty much set on the fact that I can't have one! I'm seventeen and I'm know what it takes to care for a dog, I've done a lot of research and I currently have two other dogs (A male and a female, both mixed breeds), so I know what's required to take care of one! Basically, what I'm asking is there anyway I can convince my parents I'm responsible? I'm dead set on adopting this puppy, because my town isn't known for taking care of dogs very well and I'm terrified that she might end up giving the puppy to someone who fakes a smile and I just love dogs so much.
The Answer
It's a really bad idea to get a pet, when you are going into a major transition period in your life.
I'm not saying you are wrong to want a puppy, or that you absolutely can't have one, but you need to recognize that your life is going to be completely different than it is today in the next 3-4 years. Your life could change, completely, several times within the next few years.
You are *looking* for a job. You are *planning* on moving out. Are probably graduating from high school and either transitioning into a work life, or into higher education.
That's not a stable environment to bring an animal who lives 10+ years into. That's not a stable home situation, or money situation, or lifestyle situation. You might WANT a life where a dog is a possibility, but you don't know that your life will work out that way right now.
So there are two things here:
First, your parents are completely within their rights not to allow you to have a dog in their home. (There are already two dogs there. They might just really not want another.)
Second, you can't convince your parents you are responsible enough for a pet, 'cause objectively speaking, you haven't had a chance to be an adult on your own yet, go through those major transitions, and supply any evidence that you can manage your independent life with a dog. It's fair for your parents not to want to put the added pressure of a dog on you while you make these major changes.
You need to trust your friend not to be idiot and do a bit of reference checking when she gives puppies away - the fear that a puppy might end up in a bad home isn't a factor in whether or not you can manage a dog right now. That's life, and it's sucks, but you adopting a dog doesn't actually change it.
Frankly, there will always be dogs who need rescuing and puppies who need a loving home. The dog who gets you as it's owner sounds like it will be a very lucky pup, but it's far, far more likely to be a lucky pup if you wait until you have some reasonable certainty that you have the home, work and lifestyle that will enable to you support and care for a dog for it's whole life.
Live on your own for a year, or at least six months, and then decide if you can share your life with a dog. Nothing would be more heartbreaking than getting a puppy and realizing a year from now that you can't.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Can anybody please tell me how i can get cheek dimples without surgery?
The Answer
Can't be done. You either have 'em or don't.
Surgery can create them, but anyone who suggests that you can get them by poking your cheek a lot, or smiling a lot, is an idiot. You can't.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
i am an aspiring artist. i love art and everything that comes with it, i am also an active member of Subeta.net a virtual pet site wher i see other artists work and try and get inspired recently i finished this work and asked for peoples opinion. they said it was 'sordid'. I feel let down because i really work hard in what i do and i thought it came out fairly well.
I just hate that im never good enough! it kills me cause theres so many other people who do so much better then i do and i can never reach their level of skill.
what am i supposed to do? shouls i just give up my dream on becoming a concept aartist?
16/f
The Answer
No. Don't give up.
Do more and be okay with it in when a large amount of what you do sucks. Do more anyways.
Just watch this. Glass says it better than I've ever heard anyone else say it.
http://vimeo.com/24715531
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Hey there. I'm 21/f and I have a year left of college. After this, I really want to move from my house, even if I decide to go for my masters. It is just a very overwhelming feeling to feel like you can't do anything without someone getting involved. This is the most basic example. It is really bothering me. My mom has MADE me get hair extentions... yes, MADE me. If you lived in my house or knew her, you would know that she makes people do things. The reason why is because I had some damage in my hair and she wanted me to wear them so that the damage wouldn't show as much. For 2 months, I have not TOUCHED my hair. I haven't colored it, cut it, or ANYTHING! So, it has healed a lot. I feel that the extentions are in my way. I can never blow dry my hair myself. I have to go to this beauty school and pay $15. Right now, I can't wory because of my class schedule. It sucks. Next semester, I can work, because I can go back to the later classes. But, there is no job that will work with my schedule because it's all over the place. I can never let my hair air dry because of the extentions. I really would just like to not have them. I look at people's hairs after they've had extentions for years and I'm scared. I have had them on for 2 years, took them off, and my mom made me put them back on. Since I haven't colored my hair in 2 months, there's all sorts of different colors. It's not just my roots and the rest of the hair. The rest of the hair is faded out, so it's like I see washed out hair and then my roots. I just wanna even it out. I don't wanna use permanent color, but maybe like a toner or something. She would yell and scream at me if I touched my hair. It's just frstrating because it's MY hair. Even when I have had a job and paid for everything myself, this is the way she is. It's not about the money. My mom doesn't even have a job. She gets her income from a rentered property. I have had to work really hard when I had any money. I even got a scholarship from school, and she made me give her $1,200. Just like that, without even saying she would pay me back. I have had a lot happen to me with the past couple of years. I found out I was adopted and lost someone very close to me due to cancer. It's just something I want to do for myself and for my self esteem. Even out my hair and take out the extentions. Please help!
The Answer
You've asked basically this question a few times now. The answer remain the same:
At twenty-one years old, she isn't just 'making you'. You are giving in.
Stop giving her money and cut off the damn extensions.
Let her scream and beg and threaten and make herself ill. That is NOT your problem. It's unpleasant as all hell. I'm not saying it easy. But that is the ONLY solution (except moving out, which is just getting distance from your problem, not solving it).
Her being nuts should not stop you from being the independent young adult you are. Until you stop letting her nuts stop you, the same patterns of control will continue.
I'm not saying it's easy, but it's not her job to make it easy, and each time you give in to her crazy, you are teaching her that this behavoir is okay and gets her what she wants.
Let her yell. Let her scream. Go take a walk. Take a shower. Go out for coffee. Call the cops if she is physically violent.
This isn't going to stop until you stop it. The only way you can stop it is by doing what you know is right and letting her have whatever crazy ass fit she wants to have.
You can't control her feelings and you aren't responsible for them either. Learn to live with her fits. It's either that or continue on living as her slave.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
My boyfriend has had really bad luck with girls. Hes had about 20 girlfriends and seventeen cheated and three died. I havent done anything to make him believe im cheating but he thinks I am. He wont believe me and he says if they did I am. I dont know what to do to get him to believe me. I love him so much but he cant see it. My question is how can I get through this rough patch? He basically just says yeah thats what they all say. :/
The Answer
I hate to be so cynical, but I have to agree with Witty on this one:
Your boyfriend is almost definately exaggerating, if not out-right lying, about his rommantic past.
This is not a 'rough patch' for him. This is a pattern of behavoir for him. He is using his imagined bad luck as an excuse to disrespect you and keep you anxious and trying to prove yourself.
You CAN'T prove it to him. I'm sorry. It's impossible. He won't respond to reason. The sooner you give up the better off you'll be.
End it. At best, he's a poor, lost delusional soul who doesn't mean to abuse you, but will. At worse, he's a lying, controlling ass who preys on women who are unfortunate enough to cross his path.
Either way, you deserve better.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
My boyfriend has had really bad luck with girls. Hes had about 20 girlfriends and seventeen cheated and three died. I havent done anything to make him believe im cheating but he thinks I am. He wont believe me and he says if they did I am. I dont know what to do to get him to believe me. I love him so much but he cant see it. My question is how can I get through this rough patch? He basically just says yeah thats what they all say. :/
The Answer
I hate to be so cynical, but I have to agree with Witty And DN on this one:
Your boyfriend is almost definately exaggerating, if not out-right lying, about his rommantic past.
This is not a 'rough patch' for him. This is a pattern of behavoir for him. He is using his imagined bad luck as an excuse to disrespect you and keep you anxious and trying to prove yourself.
You CAN'T prove it to him. I'm sorry. It's impossible. He won't respond to reason. The sooner you give up the better off you'll be.
End it. At best, he's a poor, lost delusional soul who doesn't mean to abuse you, but will. At worse, he's a lying, controlling ass who preys on women who are unfortunate enough to cross his path.
Either way, you deserve better.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Hello.
My cousin is going through a hard time at the moment, with his parents recently separating. He goes to school, comes home, and works in the same room until he decides to eat/sleep. He rarely goes out, which is odd because he seems to be the type that would be quite popular: good looking, good at sport, intelligent etc.
Long story short, his father made an insensitive comment the other day. My grandmother, my uncle, and my mother have asked for me to do something with him to cheer him up. This is fine, but I don't know how to ask without it sounding like a pity invite? I was thinking of just heading into the city, do abit of window shopping, grab a bite to eat, and maybe catch a movie.
The wierd thing is, never have I done anything with him apart from family meetings etc. I feel odd just randomly texting him asking if he wants to do something, because it will seem so obvious.
Can anyone shed some light on how I can ask, without it seeming like a pity invite? It is of course a pity invite (so to speak), but I don't want him to feel that it is?
Thanks a bunch folks.
The Answer
If you've never hung out with him one on one before, it IS going to sound at least a bit like a pity invite. Can't be helped. He'll know and you'll know, but that doesn't mean he won't be happy that someone cared and reached out.
The best excuse you could offer is some excuse of something you want to see or get that can only be gotten in the city... But he'll see through it anyways. It's just polite.
You are counting on him accepting anyways, because he needs someone and you put the offer out there. The worse that can happen is he decides he doesn't want your support in that way, and that's okay, but I bet he'll take you up on it even though he'll recognize the pity invite-ness of it.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Hello folks.
I'm currently self employed, and have an actual business where I sell stuff.
But would you call a blog a business? I don't mean like, blogging about how much you miss your girlfriend or whatever. I blog about politics, and fashion. What would you call these? An enterprise? A venture? A business? Or just a blog?
I am also starting a community newsletter. Surely, that would be a business, no?
I am truly confused, and so any help is great.
Thanks folks :)
The Answer
More important then the strict defination of the word, is how people understand (or dont understand) when you use is. Most people are going to understand the word 'bussiness' to mean, 'thing I do to make money'.
Do you make money blogging? Either by paying yourself, or someone else, to write? Or by selling advertising?
Are you incorporated? Do you have a business bank account separate for your personal accounts?
If you answered no to all those questions, the your blog is a blog and there is no shame in being a blogger. Lots of awesome people are bloggers, on the road to monetizing or making a career in thier field - or not.
You might find it useful to think of your blog as a 'bussines', because that implies deadlines and responsibilities (things which will help you develope a successful blog) but to call it a business (or venture, or enterprise - all icky, bad resume fancy-pants code for 'I haven't been paid for what I do yet') when talking to others will confuse people and make you sound pretentious and silly.
(View All Other Answers.)