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Winning her back after she had an on-line affair
Recently, I found out my wife was shaving an online affair with an old fling from high school. They were planning on cheating together. After confronting her the emails tapered off and she became more open about the guy. We have been going to counseling. During our sessions she admitted that she believed that she was hitting it off with this other guy because "he gets" her and he could make her laugh. They have some background that obviously helped them to get back together. My wife says she wants us to stay together and she wants things to work. I talked to the guy and he says things have turned only to a friendship and I shouldn't be threatened by him. Recently, my wife had a heart to heart discussion with me and she stated that she didn't really feel love for me all of the time. She knows I'm trying to win her over and appreciates the things I have been doing. She says she wants to feel something and she wants me to "fight for her". She went on to say that it seemed as though when I found out about the affair I didn't really seem phased by it. I know this has a lot to do with what my parents went through and the fact that I had always had a feeling she was seeking out someone else.She told me that if she ever did decide to go after someone else she would tell me because she wouldn't want to have secrets. I know we are doing better now but, I'm wondering what she really means by fighting for her. I have been helping out around the house a lot more and have even ramped up on the gifts and spontaneously sending flowers. I have even paid her more compliments about her looks and things that she does. So I guess I'm confused as to what else I need to do.
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One thing that raises an alarm with me is the fact that you stated well a few things actually.....
1, Your wife doesn't feel love for you all the time
Either you love someone or you don't, That part is a bit confusing to me.
2, Your wife would tell you if she was seeking someone else but yet she couldn't tell you about the emails and the fact that she was loosing interest in the marriage?
3, You are buying her flowers spontaneously
How often are you buying gifts and flowers? I'm just pointing it out because although gifts and flowers are nice from time to time after awhile she is may either start to expect these gifts or get extremely bored to where gifts are no longer meaningful on special occasions because she has finally gotten used to it.
Really, Take Razhie advice here - She needs to cut all contact with the man who almost cost you your marriage.
Marriage counseling is a big step but we also need to acknowledge that it also can only go so far, BOTH parties need to be willing to make a marriage work not one. I would even suggest if possible you and your wife take a vacation. Somewhere you both can work on your marriage and strengthen your bond. Communication goes a long way, If there are any signs that you aren't giving the attention your wife wants then she needs to step up and communicate.
Good luck..
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Well, you should ask her to end contact with the guy she had an emotional affair with.
That might help her recognize that you DID have issue with her cheating, and that you are willing to fight - not just for 'her' - but for the kind of marriage you want to have.
It's one thing for her to ask you to fight for the relationship - it's another for her to purposely throw road blocks up in front of you. Continuing this 'friendship' after she has openly acknowledged that her friendship with that man has crossed some serious lines is doing just that.
Even if he is 'not a threat' and 'just a friend' she must understand that ending her inappropriate and high risk friendship with him is her PART in fighting for your marriage.
You can ask her (maybe in one of your counseling sessions) what kind of other things would help her recognize that you are working on this.
You also, in my opinion, should ask her to take on some of the fight too, and focus on friendships with people she didn't recently have a deceitful affair with.
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