(Ask A Question.) (Feedback.) (Discussion Board.) (Make Razhie A Favourite.) (Advicenators.)
Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
Favourite Collumnists.
(WittyUsernameHere.) (karenR.) (NinjaNeer.) (rainbowcherrie.) (DangerNerd.)
The Question
Sorry this is long. I used to have the most awesome Christmases at home with my parents, sister, and grandparents. We had all kinds of traditions that really were a lot of fun and Christmas eve and day were always very relaxed. From 2005 to 2007, I had an aunt, uncle, and cousins come too, but ever since 2008, they've been asking us to come to their house. We have every year since they started asking, but it's been a lot of trouble. There are more of us than there are of them, so it's more expensive, our first flight is always late and makes us miss our layover, we've spent Christmas night in hotel rooms because of trouble getting there, and my uncle always wants us to stay for longer than is convenient. The biggest reason I don't like it is because we don't have our Christmas traditions anymore and it feels like Christmas is too different and much more stressful nowadays. I've gone the past four years because my family likes it, but this year, my mom, dad, and grandparents don't want to, which is a relief. The problem is that my uncle is still asking us to and my sister, who has a type a personality, says she wants to have Christmas at my their house forever and will not have Christmas at home again. It shouldn't be her decision, but I'm worried she'll find a way to get us there. Another problem is that my sister is bossy and when she gets married, she wants us to have Thanksgiving at her house, which won't work because my fiancee's birthday is November 22nd, so it's always on or around Thanksgiving. He has family that lives close and the rest of his family meets in our area for Thanksgiving they celebrate his birthday that weekend. So the only way for my family to be together as well is for us to meet in this area as well. I want us to start having relaxed Christmases again, but I'm afraid if my sister knows I said something to my parents and grandparents about it, especially if her Thanksgiving idea doesn't work either, she'll lose respect for me. I know it sounds like I'm being selfish, but I've always done what made everyone else happy UNTIL it didn't make them happy anymore. Now that most of us want to be home Christmas, I think we should have it, but how do I get it for us and how do I keep my sister from being mad at me?
The Answer
You can't.
Your sister is going to feel what she feels, and that's okay.
If people in your family don't want to travel over Christmas, than all they have to do, is say so.
And your sister, will feel bad. Maybe even angry, but if individual family members are clear about their decision, she'll be able to make her choice more easily.
The important part is for your family to stick together in their resolve not to go, but to all let her know as individuals about their decision. And to tell her SOON. These plans take time. You can remind her that she is very welcome, and wanted, at the family Christmas celebrations. Remind her that you've come to her several times now, and you might remind her that frankly - your parents are not going to be able to travel to her forever. Eventually, she's going to have to come to them, so there is no reason for her not to make her peace with that now.
Now, if she has small children, you might need to have some understanding for her desire not to travel. As stressful as it is for you to get to her, it's 10x worse if you need to do it with small children, and there is the other set of grandparents, aunts and uncles to consider.
This situation is NOT entirely under your control. Someone in your family might give in, and agree to go to her place, and then you'll find yourself once more going out her way in order to be with everyone. And that sucks, but you actually need to make your peace with that: Cause that's part of being part of a family.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Hi, I'm 20/f and my fiance is 20/m. We have been together for almost 2 1/2 years.
My fiance recently admitted that he has an addiction to porn. Porn bothers me a lot, and I'm not sure why. I'm very thankful that he doesn't go out and get it from other women, but I can't help how upset it makes me feel, if I could, I wouldn't be having this issue. I guess I just feel like if I was enough, he shouldn't be looking at other women.
I've done a lot of researching on the internet, and I have realized a lot about this. I understand men are visual people, and I understand that majority of mean don't do it to hurt their spouse, it just makes masturbation more pleasurable.
BUT...
It hurts me, and my fiance is well aware of that. I have busted him watching porn 4 times in the past, and all those time he has lied to me; (he said to protect from hurting me) He said that he feels guilty after each viewing of a video, but the guilt is obviously not enough to stop. I caught him doing it about 2 months ago, and he told me that he wouldn't lie to me about it anymore. If I asked him, he would come clean so I woldn't have to bust him. He told me that he DOESN'T want to watch it anymore, he just doesn't know how to stop.
Well Thursday, I didn't catch him watching porn, but I did catch him watching videos on youtube of females shaking their asses; I was hurt, but not like I am when its legit porn. I asked him, he denied it. We had a heart to heart conversation about it last night and he told me that he was going to try to control it. He said that it feels like something is controlling him that he can't control. He wants to have control because he knows if he doesn't he will end up losing me. He told me that if he doesn't think he can control it, he is going to make himself leave me so he can't hurt me anymore; but if he slips up and tells me the truth, than he sees that as a step of controlling it and he will stay; so basically our relationship is on the line and i do NOT want to lose him, but he's determined to stop not matter what! :/
I've tried to help him all I can. I've locked the computer, I've gave him more sex, I've tried it all. We were going to do therapy when the incident two months ago happened, but I honestly didnt' feel like it was an addiction.
I feel like it isn't an addiction because he will go 2-3 maybe more months WITHOUT it, and than he will have a 'slip' up. When he was watching it, it was for 4 months, and maybe 4 times a week, once a day. He doesn't let it affect our sex life, and it doesn't affect his well being ( work, friends, our sex life, his sleep, ect) thats why I don't think its an addiction.
I guess my concern is this:
He told me that when he masturbates, he thinks about HIM HAVE INTERCOURSE WITH OTHER WOMEN. I asked him why would he care to think about sex with other women when he has me, and he said because he doesn't know what its like to have sex with any female except me (I'm the only girl he's only been with,)and he is curious.
I'm afraid that if he is curious about sex with other women, that the urges he has with porn will end up not being enough to meet his 'high' and he will go out and find it from other women. He says he would never cheat on me, BUT when you have an addiction its hard to say? Curiousity killed the cat, right?
Btw, we live together. We have an amazing relationship, minus this. I want to work it out and help him because he told me he wants my help in stopping this 'addiction'.
Do you have any advice on what steps we could take? Do you think that if this porn doesn't get under control that it could lead to him cheating on me? Do you believe that therapy really helps?? He is willing to try anything, we don't know where to start because we have never delt with anything like this.
Thank you so much!
The Answer
If he sincerely doesn't want to watch porn anymore, then he should seek therapy - alone. You don't need couples counseling to modify one person's behavoir. If you both agree that it is HIS behavoir that is the problem, then he should talk about that with a mental health professional to help change it.
You can't help him much with that. It's HIS behavoir that has to change. It's not your job, and it shouldn't ever be considered your job. He is in ultimate control of what he chooses to do.
That's all the advice anyone can really give him. If he wants to change a behavoir he really believes is a serious problem, then he needs to get outside help.
Now for your problem:
You don't get to police his thoughts, or his fantasy life. End of story.
Should your boyfriend fantasize about other women? About winning the lottery? About being a race car driver in an illegal drag race in Tokyo?
Yes. You are not entitled to policing your partner's fantasy world. They get to have it, and whatever is in it. It's unkind and counter productive to blame them for it.
Sexual fantasies about others (and yes, also porn) is normal, natural and healthy in most cases. Some people do engage with them badly, and neglect their partners, get stupid ideas about sex or watch porn that is not created ethically - and a minority of people do cheat. But the majority of people who watch porn are loving and loyal boyfriends, husbands and even fathers. They understand that fantasies are fun and great, and that porn isn't real, and that their relationships are a different, and better, kind of thing.
Most of the men you've ever met - have watched porn and fantasized about sex with women other than their partners. Many of them do it often. And all of that is only slightly less true of all the women you know.
Cheaters cheat. People who don't want to cheat, don't cheat.
Here's the basic truth you and your boyfriend are avoiding:
He wants to watch porn.
He might feel bad or ashamed about, but he wants to do it. That's why he does it.
It's not an addiction like cocaine. It's compulsion and he can control it. Right now, he's not controlling either because he hasn't learned how (a therapist can help him learn) or because he doesn't really want too.
The upside of this is that if he WANTED to cheat, he'd do that too. Clearly. He doesn't.
Cheaters cheat. People who don't want to cheat, don't cheat. Doesn't matter if the person of their sexual dreams crawls into bed naked beside them - if they don't want to cheat - they don't.
If you and your boyfriend agree that pornography is not something you want in your relationship, that's great! That means you are on the same page and working towards the same vision of your lives together.
But if you start trying to police, control or shame your partner for his thoughts and fantasies, that's no longer being part of a relationship, that's a form of emotional abuse and an unrealistic expectation to have on another human being.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
My name is Chris. I've loved this girl since last year from the very moment we kissed. Something about that kiss really made me attracted to her and want to pursue a relationship. I love her personality, we really get along well. We ended badly in the summer. She hurt me by ignoring me and as a defense I said some pretty hurtful things. We didnt talk all summer but we ended up in the same highschool class. At first we didnt talk but I would catch her staring at me and I determined she still had feelings for me, as I did for her. My bestfriend got us talking again and ever since, things have been even better than last year. I played my card out right with this girl because I felt i got a second chance at her heart, and i dont want to mess it up. We do not go out (yet). I dont want to get back with her yet, I want to wait. She sits next to me in class and he just cuddle or hold hands or she lets me stroke her stomach or thighs sometimes. We show each other HUGE amounts of affection but in a very subtle way. She is jealous because she found out a girl in my class also likes me, and she feels intimidated, in a way. But recently she has been flirting with another guy in front of me, calling him her boyfriend...she starts having an attitude when i touch her leg or even ask her a simple question. I realized that this new dude she seems to show interest to STARES at me. He does things, like kisses her cheek, and then looks directly at me as if TRYING to get me jealous, and as a scorpio, i am VERY jealous and this kind of stuff makes me go crazy. She knows she is driving me insane, I told her that I didn't mind if she spoke to a billion people (she's not mine and theres nothing I can do) but i just dont want it done AROUND me. We agreed on that but the next day she did it again. And she also seems to have a worse and worse attitude. I know she doesnt seem to great of a person, but she truely is and that is why I'm trying to find out how to handle this. I love this girl a lot. But i can't tell if she's trying to get me jealous or not. The guy she flirts with has a girlfriend. So I dont know exactly what the hells going on here...but I dont like it. When I started flirting with the girl that likes ME she over heard and told me she resents me. I smiled because I was hoping to get her jealous too, a taste of her own medicine, you know? She told me that "im literally crazy because she likes to flirt a lot" and i know she's the shy type. I felt like that was a rehearsed answer ..i feel like she planned all of this out. But how can I throw her off? If i seem unbothered, i feel like she'll just continue. When I do seem upset, she seems happy. Jealousy shows a person cares about you, but she's being immature by extending it for the past few days. She hasn't even texted me, I feel it's best to pay her no mind, but I'm obsessive. I'm going to WANT to talk to her so bad when I see her, we're complete. Should I flirt with other people to get her mad? Will that make it worse? Should I ignore her? Should I just be very serious with her and give her no reason? My goal is to make her regret what she's doing .
The Answer
You skipped over a huge part of this problem earlier on in your question...
WHY don't you want to get back together with her?
If she is so awesome, and you care for her so much, why not BE with her, and then you can address these sorts of issues as a couple, rather than be in this strange gray zone?
You can't control another person's feelings, so 'trying to make her jealous' might simply not work.
If you want to be her boyfriend, speak up. If you don't, walk away.
When you leave someone hanging, it's almost inevitable that they are going to do things that irritate or confuse you. It's inevitable they might resent you, or move on from you, or be confused and irritated that you want them - but not right now.
Leave this drama alone. If you want to be with her, ask her to be with you. If you don't, let it go and walk away from it all.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
My dads having a baby with his girlfriend who he cheated on my mum with, since then my dad hasn't paid a penny for me he sees me twice a week if I arrange it he promised me hed never get married or have any more kids he's engaged and his girlfriends pregnant she's 43 and its her last chance for a kid she's never had one I get that but he promised me I don't want another brother or sister and he knows how I feel so she's 4 months in and she bleeds we don't know if she's lost it or not yet but he just cancelled on me completely to run to her for these scans it just proves to me how I'm gunna be dropped when the baby gets here and I don't want to sound like a horrible person but if she's lost it then maybe it'll show them both to think about me and my sister before going behind our backs and doing things like that and also how stupid it is she's 43 its not fair but tough she's too old for kids now I know I sound selfish but my dad put me through getting engaged and his gf pregnant behind my back and I just got used to the idea now she might lose it he's selfish and he's a bad dad to us why shud he put another kid through that please give me advice on what to say to my dad?
The Answer
Ask him what happened, and support him if he is scarred or sad for the baby.
Look - your dad might be a cheater, an asshole and a deadbeat, but he still gets to decide if and when he wants a baby. It was dumb of him to promise you anything like that, cause the truth is: you don't get to vote.
He might also be a bad dad, and selfish, but he still gets to make that decision with his partner.
And if his partners pregnancy was in danger, he did the right thing by going to her. Loosing a baby is a horrible tragedy, and any man should do as much for the women who is having his baby.
If you are angry with your dad for not supporting you, for not spending time with you and for lying to you, then you should tell him as much. He shouldn't be doing those things and he should want to fix them.
BUT, and this is a big but, you need to let your anger about this pregnancy go, because at this point you have crossed the line to being selfish and wishing harm on others, even innocent others, and no matter how badly your dad has behaved, it's wrong to think you get to make choices for him, and its wrong to wish harm on him, his fiancé, or their baby, because you are hurting.
Your dad might be selfish and awful. He may have hurt you truly and deeply. And that is totally wrong but you don't have to sink to his level. So don't. Tell him what he has done to hurt you, but also show some concern and respect for the pregnancy and the baby.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Hey everyone :)
Please excuse the length, but please read.
This recently happened to me:
What if you had a lifetime crush on a guy from when you were too young to even sneeze, then when you were 4 you had to move away? Then 5 more years later, you see him again because he might be moving two hours away from you in the state you live in? He kisses you (I was 9 then, he was 11) and then you forget about him after a while because he ends up not moving and you have more crushes. Then in exactly 5 MORE years, you see him again on Christmas, and you realize you're STILL not over him. Then a month later, just when you're about to tell him how you feel, you find out he gets a brand new girlfriend he's extremely happy with. Then you try to get over him again. (it doesn't work at ALL) Then when you stop worrying about the fact that he has a girlfriend now and start thinking about how you would regret it if you don't say anything now, you go over to his house. That same night, you find out that he is CHEATING on his girlfriend of 4 months. The whole time you're over at his house, he's touching your leg, face, hair, flirting with you, and on top of that CALLS the girl he's cheating on his girlfriend with in your face and flirts with HER over the phone, lies to her and his girlfriend, then had the nerve to deny that he's doing any of that? How would you feel?
The same night as you say goodbye, he hugs you and tells you that he loves you after you scream at him for being stupid. You walk away, angry.
The next time you see him - acts as if nothing has happened. That night, he argues with his girlfriend over the phone, and you notice his anger because you're outside on the phone with someone too.
Then his best friend ("practically his brother") calls him. He tells him that his girlfriend just called him saying that she had feelings for him and that she wanted to come over and "talk" because she felt vulnerable after the breakup she just had. You already know what was really on her mind was sex.
Then what if your crush says to you that he is extremely mad at this girl and that he will never forgive her for what she was about to do? Then you tell him that he would have done the same thing. He just laughs. What would you do girls? What would you say? How would you react? I think I didn't get my point across by the way I reacted towards him...
I'm sorry if this is too run-on for you, but I just need to vent right now... I want to know what you would have done and how you would react. How would you reject him?
Thanks to everyone in advance!
The Answer
Although great, well thought out, disses and glorious rejections are fun to watch in movies, they don't actually work in reality.
You've already found out one of the reasons:
Most people don't really hear what you are saying to them. They are too wrapped up in their own shit to hear, or respect, what you are trying to tell them.
So, although I understand you impulse, you need to understand that the ''ultimate rejection" you are after might just be an unattainable fantasy.
You want to send a clear message: walk away, stop being his friend. If he asks you why, tell him straight up the way he treats women sucks, and you don't want that in your life, even as a friend. Keep it simple and honest.
Resist the desire to convince him, or fix him. If he isn't ready to hear what you are saying, it won't matter what you say, and rejection is about what you do, not what you say.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
I have never experienced winter before, because I'm from Singapore (where it's summer all year round). So I'd like to know, what kind of boots should I get for winter while I'm holidaying in Europe somewhere late in december? It will get to -5 coldest.
I'd like to know if it is okay for me to get converse leather shoes for winter, but I'll be wearing wollen socks with it. Is that enough for winter?
The Answer
-5 below is nothing in terms of 'coldness'. Where I am from we call that fall, not winter.
Cold isn't your problem in much of Europe in December. WET is your problem.
I wouldn't rely on converse shoe to stay dry. They might keep ya warm, but they wont keep ya dry.
You want to make sure whatever you get is very much waterproof. If the temperature is hovering around zero, it could be wet, icy and slushie as well as cold. If you are doing lots of tourist-y things, a waterproof, lite-hiking boot might be your best bet.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
I am the second born in my family and sometimes, I feel like everyone's more important than I am, especially my older brother. People call me by his name, ask about him more than the rest of us, and always remember stories that are actually about one of the rest of us as being about him. My parents say that they don't have a favorite child and they swear that my older brother's not the most special just because he's the oldest. My mom even wrote an essay for a class about what made us all equally special to her and I've always believed it, but lately people have been telling me that first borns are always the special ones and the ones that would be the hardest to lose. I researched it on the internet and a ton of people said that parents would rather have one of their younger kids die than their first born. I decided to try to find out, so Tuesday night, I disappeared and my parents couldn't find me until Thursday morning. My mom found me first and after she was done hugging me, she was angrier than I've ever seen her and yelled at me the whole way home. When we got home, my dad (the harder parent) was even more mad. They said they hadn't slept, eaten, or done anything else since I left and they even had to call the police for help. Neither of them have calmed down about it and when I asked them if that was as bad as if they couldn't find my oldest brother, it just mad them more mad that that was my reason for doing what I did and that I believed strangers over them. Could I really have scared them as bad as my oldest brother could? Does it sound like they have a favorite child?
The Answer
You are behaving badly. You've been selfish, irrational and downright cruel.
Stop it.
I have many siblings. Our parents love us all. We're adults now and I KNOW there are days when they like some of us more or less. There are days when some of us are less nice, or friendly people to them. There are days when each of us scare them, or neglect them. There are days when some of us are particularly awesome. When we achieve something great or do something cool. And on those days, our parents probably think more about the one kid who just did something awesome, then the others who just went about their daily lives.
And that's 'cause we are people - individuals. And parents are also people. So sometimes your parents may LIKE one of your siblings more than you.
And that's okay. They are allowed too. You are allowed to like one of them more than the other sometimes too. You are allowed to prefer your younger sibling to your elder as well. You still love them all, but you can be honest with yourself about who you get on with better.
Frankly - your parents probably didn't LIKE you very much when you deliberately and selfishly TORTURED and TERRIFIED them by disapearing. They are probably pissed the hell off - and they had a right to be. I don't have the words to express how unkind that was to do to your family.
Yes. You sacred them as much your brother could have. What's worse: You did it on purpose.
On any given day your parents might have children they have more in common with as people. They might have children who are more respectful and kind to them then others. They might have children that are easier to get along with than others.
But they love all their children. They love their children even when there children do stupid, selfish and horrible things to test their love.
Stop it with the stupid internet research. The internet will tell you that Big Foot is real and that there were WMD in Afghanistan - Neither of which are the least bit true. Your parents love you, but you if want them to also like you and have a real relationship with them, start interacting with your parents as the real people you all are.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
My dad seems to always try to snoop through my CDs and I don't like it and I try to stop him. Then one night, he wanted to borrow my Maroon 5 CD, and I wouldn't let him, so he said I can't go to any Maroon 5 concerts. Then he calls me ungrateful child. What should I do? Is he serious?
The Answer
I can get not liking your dad going through your things, but when he does the right thing and asks first, rather than snoops through your stuff, that's your chance to be gracious and reward polite behaviour.
Here is an unfair, but very true thing about the universe:
When kids and teens are rude to their parents, they tend to get punished,
However, there is no law against being rude to your kids or teens. You can't beat your kids, but you can be as rude as you like.
Was your dad's response extreme? Sure. But, hey - you started it. Often when you are nasty to someone out of spite, you get nastiness right back, and since you are the kid and he's the parent - he can be nastier than you can be. He might be petty, rude and wrong to ban you from concerts (and maybe he isn't serious either), but there is nothing you can do about that. You can withhold your CD from him, and he can withhold pretty much everything but food from you.
The moral of the story is... When you can afford to be polite and generous, do it.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
I am currently 9 weeks pregnant. I'm happily married, so it's not that. I'm worried because a few years ago I was involved with a guy that cheated on me and gave me Chlamydia. I fell fell for his stupid lies and took him back, thus repeating what had happened before. So he gave me Chlamydia TWICE. I never spoke to him again, I was hurt and extremely angry that I was one of those people who got an STD even though I'm faithful, but others who are promiscuous are sometimes lucky enough to never get anything. But anyway, I was just wondering how this could affect my pregnancy. Is it possible I could have an ectopic pregnancy? I have an appt set but I want to know if I should go get it checked out earlier. I have period-like cramps on a regular basis, and at first I thought it was implantation cramping but it's continued. Occasionally I'll get a sharp pain on either side of my lower abdomen and sometimes it's near my sphincter. Which is weird.... I'm worried, that's all. I know it's fatal if that's the case so I wanna know what I should do. Let it play out, or get myself seen now.
The Answer
If you are nervous, bump up your doctors appointment. But you probably don't need to be.
Chlamydia can be cured with antibiotics. I'm going to assuming you got it treated properly, and no longer have chlamydia.
Chlamydia, when left untreated, can cause all sorts of damage to a women's reproductive system.
Did you leave your Chlamydia infections untreated for years and years? Probably not. If not. Then it's unlikely there are any additional risks to your pregnancy.
But ectopic pregnancy is a thing that can happen regardless - long-standing Chlamydia infections just increase the chance a bit.
And since it can happen anyways, your doctor will be on the look out for it. Although ectopic pregnancy can lead to death, it nearly never does in this day and age, because it's diagnosed early.
So, trust yourself, but don't stress yourself. Talk to your doctor whenever you got to see them about your concerns.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
my girlfriend and i have now dated for 11 months. today she said she wants to have sex with me n i said the same. then she asked me dat y do i wanna hav sex with her? n i said cauz i love her. n she says dat thats not a proper reason. she's asking me to giv her a proper reason n i wud need your help. what reason shud i give her??
The Answer
Ask her what the hell she wants to hear.
Ask her what she is looking for from you and what is on her mind.
Tell her is disrespectful and unkind to declare her partners' feelings 'not good enough' without an explanation or discussion.
Tell her it's rude to 'test' your partner and demand they read your mind.
Tell her that if wants to talk about sex - you are game - but she can't shut you out like that. Talking takes two people. Just like sex.
And she needs to talk to you like an equal, not talk down to you like you are a student and she's your teacher.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
I'm a woman in my late 20's. I recently went on a first date with a guy, and we really hit it off. We ended up making out and going back to his place, where after more making out, I ended up initiating sex and spending the night (which is something I surprised myself by doing). I confided in him about my first negative sexual experience (at age 19), my lack of experience dating men, and what it's meant for my sexuality and dating life. He seemed taken aback and concerned, but we talked in the morning and had a somewhat normal, though awkward conversation. I told him how it wasn't easy saying such personal things. I left his place, texted to thank him for being so respectful, and invited him out for an event that night (I already told him about it during the date). He texted me, saying that he enjoyed my company as well, and that he could maybe join me that night. I got no response till the next day, when he said he was sorry he couldn't make it, and asked me how it was. He didn't ask for a second date, and hasn't texted me in three days. I haven't texted him since-I feel if he were interested, he'd do more. I am concerned that my personal information (about my sexual/dating history) made him back off. I think I sabotaged any chances of things developing between us, by jumping in too quickly and telling him too much, too soon. Any thoughts or advice on this?
The Answer
You are probably right.
You probably did scare him off, by revealing a lot of drama too soon, and too much all at once. I wouldn't necessarily call it 'sabotaged' but you did make some mistakes if you were looking for a boyfriend.
Here's the thing: Most of us are fucked up. Some of us know how fucked up we are and can tell the stories about our lives and experiences that lead us to being fucked up in our own personal way, and some of us are blissfully unaware of our own fucked-up-ness, or at least don't bother thinking about it much.
You are not significantly more fucked up than anyone else.
You might not believe me, but it's true. You might be a bit above average fucked-up, but you are still well within the majority of the human race.
When you tell someone, all at once, about your fucked-up-ness, they will naturally assume that you are WAAAAY more fucked up then average.
Honesty is a good thing, but you need to remember that someone you just met doesn't have a lot of context for what you say to them. If you know someone for three hours and spend two of those hours talking about your cat, they are going to assume that you spend 66% of your life (or more) thinking and talking about your cat.
You got off-balance and presented yourself in a way that A.) was probably legitimately scarey to him and B.) didn't actually reflect who you really are.
That sucks, and it means you probably need to cut your looses with him and date other people, but it's also a human mistake and one easily avoided in the future. Don't freak out, just remember to keep what you share in the context of a 'new friend' or 'first date' and bring some balance to your time spent with new people.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
I found out my live in boyfriend was having an affair with a married woman. I told him I knew and he says he ended it. He says he did it with her because she came onto him. Her being married made it safe, because the relationship wouldnt go anywhere.He said he cheated because he thought I didn't want him. She keeps calling him texting, shes even been calling our house phone daily blocking her number and hanging up. The affair took place in her and her husbands home. She also told him I keep driving back and forth by her house(I don't know where she lives). What do you make of this situation? My boyfriend and I are in counseling and recently got married.
The Answer
Stay in counselling and ask your questions there.
Your husband betrayed you in a big way, and it sounds like he still hasn't really taken responsibility for it.
She's a bit nutty - and he might use her nuttiness as an ongoing way to avoid really taking ownership for his choices.
He brought this on you and on your marriage with him. Whatever mistakes you may have made, you can own them, and he needs to own this and get very serious about bringing it to an end.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
I found out my live in boyfriend was having an affair with a married woman. I told him I knew and he says he ended it. He says he did it with her because she came onto him. Her being married made it safe, because the relationship wouldnt go anywhere.He said he cheated because he thought I didn't want him. She keeps calling him texting, shes even been calling our house phone daily blocking her number and hanging up. The affair took place in her and her husbands home. She also told him I keep driving back and forth by her house(I don't know where she lives). What do you make of this situation? My boyfriend and I are in counseling and recently got married.
The Answer
Stay in counselling and ask your questions there.
Your husband betrayed you in a big way, and it sounds like he still hasn't really taken responsibility for it.
She's a bit nutty - and he might use her nuttiness as an ongoing way to avoid really taking ownership for his choices.
He brought this on you and on your marriage with him. Whatever mistakes you may have made, you can own them, and he needs to own this and get very serious about bringing it to an end.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Basically, I'm a 20 year old female in college who has had absolutely no experience with dating, sex, or relationships. I'm a person who takes a while to break out of my shell but in the end people love me and think I'm hilarious and fun and chill. I am NOT socially awkward but admittedly tense and nervous at times and I can be very reserved and guarded with people I don't know very well but all the while I'm kind and composed and collected. I can have a conversation with almost anyone. With every passing year this tension improves and my friends see this improvement in me. I'm not ugly, I have some attractive qualities and recently lost a good amount of weight! My best qualities have nothing to do with looks; I'm extremely intelligent, intellectual, interesting, sweet, and pretty funny. Right now, I feel more confident than ever! BUT I'm absolutely desperate for male intimacy. Having been deprived my whole life and watching my other friends get to experience it is very crushing. I have all this emotional and physical energy that wants so badly to be released but it can't be because no guy has ever shown interest in me. Now for the main issue: I think I may be falling hard for one of my friends. He made a girlfriend over the summer and now they have a (very) long distance relationship. I had a crush on him last year but knew that getting him would probably not be a reality, considering the fact that other girls sometimes like him and he's shy with girls and I just don't want to get hurt or have my confidence destroyed. Ever since this year started he's been paying tons of attention to me. He's a friendly, charming person by nature so I don't know if I'm special at all. As a result, I unfortunately think I've fallen in love with him (or whatever to call it). I cannot stop thinking about him and get sad when I can't be around him. Sexually, I want him so bad like no one I've ever lusted after before. The main aspect is the emotional connection we have. He is literally everything I want, he's perfection. The issue is that he has a long-distance girlfriend. He's wishy washy and I have no idea what he is really thinking. All I can do in all of this is speculate which leaves me to go crazy. I just can't stop thinking negatively and crying over the fact that the odds may not be in my favor and that I have no strength or experience with any of this. I am a smart, strong, independent person and right now I feel helpless. I'm so confused with all of the new things I'm feeling and having so many highs and lows. What do I do?
The Answer
Just get some distance from him.
The 'relationships' that only happen in your head, that stay rooted in fantasy, and never actually go anywhere, are always the hardest the move on from, because they stay in the 'honeymoon period' forever.
So you need to get some distance from him, and stop fueling the fantasy life you've created for yourself and him.
You've got a lot of great things going for you right now - and frankly - your out of control crushing on this unavailable guy might be, in part, an unconscious way of holding yourself back. Because he is unavailable, he is not a risky place to put your emotions, and you can crush away without ever having to do any of the real world work of actually starting a damn relationship.
So free yourself from the fantasy by embracing some reality (some of which, will suck balls and not be nearly as awesome as the fantasy BUT it WILL be real). Take that intelligent, intellectual, interesting, sweet, and pretty funny self of yours over to someone who can properly appreciate it. You are old enough to give online dating a try and that can be helpful for people in your shoes 'cause it's very prescribed (both people KNOW why they are meeting - they are looking for people/someone to date) but you can keep the training wheels of 'low expectations' and 'dating as practice' on for a little while.
And you are going to get hurt. By him, by someone else. Your confidence might get shattered - for a little while. You might actually hurt some people too. You've got more learning to do, and this is part of it. So hop to it, 'cause you wont get loved with out taking those risks.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
I met my boyfriend at work. We were both in troubled marriages. We became friends and it led to more. I divorced my husband and he left his wife for three months. Then he decided that he had to give his marriage another chance for the kids sake. He went back to her and they reconciled for three months. During the time he was back with her, him and I didn't continue our relationship. They ended up getting divorced and we began dating again.
She is still in love with him and claims that I am the cause of their divorce. She contacts him every day and has tried over and over and over to get him back. She comes up with every excuse in the book to contact him. They have two children together but my ex-husband and I share custody and we don't talk every day.
It infuriates me. I can't understand why he needs to talk to her so much. Sometimes the jealousy consumes me. I mean when me and him got together I tried to change everything about myself that he felt would help make me a better person... I no longer go out to clubs with my girlfriends on girls night out, if I go out at all we sit in the restraunt section, never the bar section, I don't take naps anymore, I quit smoking, I insisted that he let me cash in my 401K to pay off the bad debt that him and his ex had accumulated that he inherited in the divorce so we could be financially stable, but he can't stop talking to her!
In the divorce he is to pay her $1,175 per month in child support and she is supposed to pay 1/2 of all child expenses and the first $308 of daycare expenses.... she takes all the money and NEVER pays her 1/2 of anything. As a matter of fact, half the time she don't even have food in the house when she supposed to have the kids over. She supposed to keep the kids 1/2 of the time. She MAY keep the little girl 25% of the time and the little boy is more like 15%.
We never go on dates anymore because we always have at least one of his kids and I know she does it that way on purpose just to prevent us from going out or being alone. I don't want to hate anyone but she is dispisable and I need help.
The Answer
Therapy.
You got involved in with a man who was married, and had kids. Sure, it could have gone smoothly and relatively calmly, like your own divorce did.
Or it could have gone like this - nutso, crazy, financial ruin with a clingy ex.
You rolled those dice. Now you need to make some peace with where you and your partner are at.
Go to therapy, with your boyfriend if he'll go, or by yourself if he wont. Encourage him to speak to someone too, so he can get some tools to manage his relationship with his ex better.
But in the end, you need to take a deep breath, butt out of the way he manages his ex-wife, and stop imagining that anything you do is going to change his choices when it comes to her. Stop torturing yourself thinking it'll make him change his behavoir. It wont. Ask him to change. If he doesn't, then change yourself so you are getting some of what you need (IE, girls night outs, personal financial security, other activities that make you feel positively about yourself.)
Right now, you are putting all your chance at happiness in his hands (and his ex wife's hands). Take it back.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Hi,
I saw a "fact" account on twitter, write this:
"Listening to music increases your strength - Your brain is distracted by what you're hearing and doesn't concentrate on what you're lifting"
Now, is there merit to this? Because I replied suggesting that it does not make you stronger, because it is just distracting you. You are only able to lift what your body can, and that distraction is in the mind, and so just related to the perception of strength.
Now of course, if you are distracted, then you may be able to lift more. That may make you stronger in the long term. But I think the tweet is suggesting that at that moment, when you are lifting, the results of distraction is related to strength.
I've had a couple of people that wanted to "debate" this with me. I've stuck to what I think is right.
But what is right? Surely, the distraction does not make you immediately stronger?
I've tried googling this, but to no success. What do you think? Bonus points for anyone that can find credible sources, preferably with some science thrown in.
Thanks!
The Answer
You are right, but you might be underestimating the power of 'being distracted'. And you are mainly right because people who are debating you don't understand how human 'strength' is measured and what it actually means when we say a person is 'stronger' while listening to music.
Human endurance and pain responses are deeply subjective. They are based in an individuals perceptions of how much they can do, how tired they are, and how much pain they are in.
People may get excited when testing human 'strength' because it seems like an objective number that all science-y and trustworthy. After all, lifting 11 pounds is greater than lifting 10 pounds so we assume that means that the person is 'stronger' while listening to music.
Which is not simply not true.
All that tells us is that a person feels able to lift an extra pound. It tells us that while listening to music they made a different choice about what they could endure or manage.
And we've know that about music for AGES! Athletes and performers use it to 'pump themselves up'. Doctor's listen to music during surgery to improve focus. People even report feeling less pain when they swear or scream then when they have to stay silent during pain.
Feeling differently about these deeply subjective human experiences allows us to behave differently, even better, than we were able too before.
Are people actually 'stronger'. No. They are exactly as strong as they would be without music. Are they motivated and pumped up? More easily able to choose to do more? To push themselves? Absolutely.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
so im a freshman in high school.14/f. the high school and middle school are connected and most of my classes are in the opposite direction of my locker so i just cut through the middle school and it just so happens that i have a class in the middle school but obviously for freshman and up but thats just where the room is. and the teacher who's room it is i've had for 7th and 8th grade and he's a guy. he is just a dick. to make it short. he's pathetic and werid and and creepy i've always been a bitch to him becasue i hated him. but this year i really want to start off good and try to be nicer to people haha but yeah. and so he's werid like he's been doing this ever since i had him, for no reason he stands outside his class to just say hi to people. well i have to pass him like maybe 4x a day. so i just started being nice to him. but he's always been nice to me, but like in a creepy way. like he would only call me by my last name with Miss in front of it and call the other girls by their first. and im not even his student and he still does it. and he has stared at my butt and and body and like thats sooooo different if a like 30 something year old guy is creepily staring at you and not a tenager. but so i have it 1st period i have a class in his classroom but with a differnt teacher. but he still stays out side. so ANYWAY my friend gave me a peice of gum at the end of class, and i was waiting for my other friend so we could go to biology and we were the only two kids or girls in the room besides my hs teacher and the crepy teacher. so my middle school teacher goes, uhm you better spit that out. I said-nahh im ok, he’s like spit it out. and im like we can chew gum in the high school (which we can!) and so by this time my friend walks out i guess thinking i was right behind her. and i start to follow her out the door. and the teacher blocks the door with his body. it was only him in the room and my hs teacher who was on the computer so he didnt see. (thank god he was there....) i try to go around him he blocks me again. and im like fuckin 5 ft 1in or something and hes like really tall like more than average. so the second time i try to go around, i had my backpack on both shoulders and he pulls/drags me to the garabge can and makes me spit it out. it happened so fast, all i could think was wtf? you fucking werido get the fuck off dont touch me. but all i said was im going to be late for class but he didnt care. then i told my friends in biology and they said that its considered abuse. is that true? im just totally curious..i have no idea. thanks for the advice.
The Answer
It's not the crime of 'abuse' and not 'sexual harassment' either.
It was inappropriate, and almost definitely against school policy for a teacher to put their hands on a student in that manner.
The teacher might have felt you had the kind of playfully obnoxious relationship that would allow for this. If so, he was wrong.
You should tell a principal, VP or counselor at your school. No matter how rude you were (or are) to this teacher, if he doesn't know better than to use physical force like that with a student, then someone needs to help him figure it out.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Hi,
I recently applied for a job, but was unsuccessful after the interview, because "the competition was very fierce".
However, there were 550 applicants, and I was shortlisted for an interview along with 24 other people.
When applying for similar positions, should I state this? Because it is sort of impressive, but would the prospective employer wonder why I didn't get the job, and put them off?
So in short, should I state that I was shortlisted for interview and didn't get the job?
Thanks
The Answer
Nope.
Sorry, there is no sensible way to address this in a resume or cover letter.
Be proud of yourself and confident. What this tells you is that you are on the right path and presenting yourself very well.
You may mention it to your network, or even in other interviews, but for a variety of reasons, this is not something to include in your resume or cover letter.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
I'm a college freshman- I got here a few weeks ago. It's been great except my roomates (im in a triple) are a bit crazy. They drink 5 days of the week, do drugs, and constantly hook up with random people at parties. One of them had sex with a random person the day she moved in. Anyway, I became really good friends with this guy and we ended up hooking up- then we turned into a "thing"- we were always together, talked about everything, and really cared about each other. I went away last weekend and when I came back i found out my roommate (the one who has sex with anything that moves) got drunk and slept with my friend that i almost freaking love! She lied and said they kissed but everyone on my floor knew, and I ended up finding out. He's pretty torn up about it and feels awful, and she doesn't seem to be affected. I cry all of the time and am so hurt and don't even want to look at her face- I can't stay away from him though, because I want to be his friend so bad. We keep having these really intense conversations about how im so devastated and hurt and he apologizes and we both just are so upset. And then he hangs out with my roommate and my friends right in front of me, and then goes into my room to chill just with my roommates. I don't know if he cares of if he doesnt- he only came to talk to me after one of his friends saw me crying and told him. He said to talk to him when I'm ready to "talk" but i keep saying everything i feel and nothing seems to help myself or the situation. I'm so mad at my roommate I can't even go into my room because i dont want to see her. I dont know how to cope or handle the situation. Please help?
The Answer
You need to take a deep breath.
You weren't going out with this guy. There was no commitment. Neither of them actually betrayed you. They were free to make the choices they did.
The fact that he keeps on hanging out with your friends and roommates means it's likely that the sex was totally consensual. He might be sorry that you are feeling hurt, but neither of them did anything wrong. They aren't obligated to grovel or beg your forgiveness.
Yes, it hurts. A lot. It always hurts when someone you really like chooses the company of someone else. It's okay to be hurt. It's especially difficult to be hurt by people you really can't avoid.
Stop having those 'intense conversations' with him. Actions speak louder than words and HIS actions have told you loud and clear that although he might feel for you (even feel guilty) he is still going to be friends with your roommate AND he hasn't asked you out or expressed a desire to be official with you - right?
So, he's not that into you.
Which sucks. But it means you need to stop dragging him through these intense conversations about your pain. He might be trying to be a good guy by listening, but in the end, neither of you are going to get what you want from these conversations and both of your are likely to end up feeling stupid and used.
Talk to your res support team. Your RA or someone like that might be able to refer you to someone to talk to about this stress and unhappiness, or might have some practical solutions for you. After all, that's what they are there for.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
ok so im 17/f he is 18/m
When i meet mitch he said he was looking for a relationship, but now im left wondering if he wants a relationship with me.so basically we have gone on 5 date, all went really well. ive already meet his family (mum,dad,sister, aunty uncle and cousins) he says he likes me ect and he seems geuine. but the thing that leaves me wondering is that he is always messaging other girls (generally this wouldnt fase me considering all my friends are guys, but this is different, i just have a gut feeling.) i really like him, but sometimes he bags me out to much beyond a joke, and im no closer to being his girlfriend. suggestions?
The Answer
Trust your gut, and state your timeline and desires.
This isn't about giving him an 'ultimatum'. This is about standing up for what you can live with and what you want from your relationships.
Tell him you are confused if he wants a relationship with you are not. Tell him that is what you want and ask him what his thoughts are.
Or you could just dump him.
Frankly, that's what I'd probably do in your shoes. Any guy who insults you enough to really upset you (especially after only 5 dates) is one I'd say Thanks but No Thanks too.
If that's him on his best behavoir, I wouldn't stick around to find out what he's like on a bad day.
(View All Other Answers.)