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Sex on the first date?
I'm a woman in my late 20's. I recently went on a first date with a guy, and we really hit it off. We ended up making out and going back to his place, where after more making out, I ended up initiating sex and spending the night (which is something I surprised myself by doing). I confided in him about my first negative sexual experience (at age 19), my lack of experience dating men, and what it's meant for my sexuality and dating life. He seemed taken aback and concerned, but we talked in the morning and had a somewhat normal, though awkward conversation. I told him how it wasn't easy saying such personal things. I left his place, texted to thank him for being so respectful, and invited him out for an event that night (I already told him about it during the date). He texted me, saying that he enjoyed my company as well, and that he could maybe join me that night. I got no response till the next day, when he said he was sorry he couldn't make it, and asked me how it was. He didn't ask for a second date, and hasn't texted me in three days. I haven't texted him since-I feel if he were interested, he'd do more. I am concerned that my personal information (about my sexual/dating history) made him back off. I think I sabotaged any chances of things developing between us, by jumping in too quickly and telling him too much, too soon. Any thoughts or advice on this?
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Not knowing either of you personally it makes this a little hard to give advice. I will go out on a limb so to speak and offer that your openness and not the sex on the first date is at the root here.
The fact that he is still texting you I believe is a plus; meaning there is still some interest on his part or he would not be texting at all. Since I cannot know what exactly his feelings are but that he must have some feelings toward you. Your openness has not exactly scared him but caused him to be cautious.
I cannot be sure exactly what he is feeling though I am fairly certain among those feelings are that he may feel you felt he took advantage of you somehow. If this is true he may be waiting for some sign from you that a second date is something you desire with him.
I think what I'm trying to say is that sex on the first date is not all that unusual,it happens a lot and it is what men are seeking after all. What may be causing any regret or caution on his part was your openness with him. This is something we don't see from someone we have sex with until well into a relationship.
If I were him I think I would be feeling somewhat confused, scared of what you may think of me, did I unknowingly take advantage of you? For yes I was hoping for and possibly pushing towards having sex that night. Then came your openness with me the next morning. I am probably not sure what to make of this.
If you two are close to the same age this is something that he has never experienced with a women before and I'm sure he is having a hard time processing it. Another thing I may be questioning is? Do you feel safe with me?
The quick answer to all of this is, in my estimation, for you to make the next move. Yes you would be being forward but right now you two are stuck in neutral. Their are a variety of ways to make this move.
If you live on your own or with roommates you could invite him to your place for dinner, even if it is just pizza. You could meet after work at a neutral environment, since you are too young to drink that leaves out bars. You could go bowling, for a walk in the park, skating, bike riding or even a hike what ever provides an environment that you feel he might agree to.
Then talk to each other. Tell him you like him. Tell him you feel you may have scared him and you apologize but felt you had to say something for you didn't want him to think badly of you for having sex on the first date. If you enjoyed the sex with him say so.
If you feel you two got off on the wrong foot ask him if you two can start over again. Frankly speaking I See this as a nothing to loose and everything to gain type option for you.
One other thing you can do is if you have his phone number try calling him. Texting has its place but it cannot replace talking to each other. What you have written about and are asking for suggestions requires you two to communicate directly to each other, either face to face or by phone.
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I don't think you've doomed your chances. You clearly gave an intense first impression, but people who base their entire view of a person on a first impression aren't worth your time. It seems like he's interested enough to keep in contact, even if it does seem firmly rooted in a friend zone, so you aren't completely doomed. Try to spend time with him again and let him get a more accurate reading of who you are.
He could be scared away from a relationship or maybe he's not putting nearly as much thought into it as you are. Maybe he's just doing what he would naturally do and if a second date hits, it does and if not, it doesn't. Maybe he's a jerk and he got what he wanted on the first date. It's hard to say. The way he acts seems pretty ambiguous to me.
Honestly, from what you've described, I personally wouldn't have been scared away, so I don't think you did anything horribly wrong. If you scared him, maybe this guy just isn't right for you. But try a bit more to have a second date to determine that.
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You are probably right.
You probably did scare him off, by revealing a lot of drama too soon, and too much all at once. I wouldn't necessarily call it 'sabotaged' but you did make some mistakes if you were looking for a boyfriend.
Here's the thing: Most of us are fucked up. Some of us know how fucked up we are and can tell the stories about our lives and experiences that lead us to being fucked up in our own personal way, and some of us are blissfully unaware of our own fucked-up-ness, or at least don't bother thinking about it much.
You are not significantly more fucked up than anyone else.
You might not believe me, but it's true. You might be a bit above average fucked-up, but you are still well within the majority of the human race.
When you tell someone, all at once, about your fucked-up-ness, they will naturally assume that you are WAAAAY more fucked up then average.
Honesty is a good thing, but you need to remember that someone you just met doesn't have a lot of context for what you say to them. If you know someone for three hours and spend two of those hours talking about your cat, they are going to assume that you spend 66% of your life (or more) thinking and talking about your cat.
You got off-balance and presented yourself in a way that A.) was probably legitimately scarey to him and B.) didn't actually reflect who you really are.
That sucks, and it means you probably need to cut your looses with him and date other people, but it's also a human mistake and one easily avoided in the future. Don't freak out, just remember to keep what you share in the context of a 'new friend' or 'first date' and bring some balance to your time spent with new people.
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