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roomate slept with my friend
I'm a college freshman- I got here a few weeks ago. It's been great except my roomates (im in a triple) are a bit crazy. They drink 5 days of the week, do drugs, and constantly hook up with random people at parties. One of them had sex with a random person the day she moved in. Anyway, I became really good friends with this guy and we ended up hooking up- then we turned into a "thing"- we were always together, talked about everything, and really cared about each other. I went away last weekend and when I came back i found out my roommate (the one who has sex with anything that moves) got drunk and slept with my friend that i almost freaking love! She lied and said they kissed but everyone on my floor knew, and I ended up finding out. He's pretty torn up about it and feels awful, and she doesn't seem to be affected. I cry all of the time and am so hurt and don't even want to look at her face- I can't stay away from him though, because I want to be his friend so bad. We keep having these really intense conversations about how im so devastated and hurt and he apologizes and we both just are so upset. And then he hangs out with my roommate and my friends right in front of me, and then goes into my room to chill just with my roommates. I don't know if he cares of if he doesnt- he only came to talk to me after one of his friends saw me crying and told him. He said to talk to him when I'm ready to "talk" but i keep saying everything i feel and nothing seems to help myself or the situation. I'm so mad at my roommate I can't even go into my room because i dont want to see her. I dont know how to cope or handle the situation. Please help?
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i would curse everybody out and i would do dumb crap to your roomates stuff and as for the guy i would act like he gave her a disease
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It has been way to many years since my college days so I will stick with what the other advisers have told you as good advice.
I will add that you do have grounds, not the sex so much, but the drugs & booze for requesting a change of room assignments. Talk to the dorm assistant to see if there is an available room in your dorm you can move to or if a room in another dorm is available.
Actually your roommate(s) sexual promiscuity and drinking are reasons to request a new room assignment. Check your dorm handbook to see what it says about visitors of the opposite sex in the dorm rooms. Drugs are never acceptable and under age drinking, if that is the case has a zero tolerance in all schools of higher learning today.
Any or all of this has to affect your ability to study. So either you get to change rooms or they get to find someplace off campus to live as they are the ones violating dorm and school policy with the drugs and booze.
I know you don't want to be the one to turn them in. Though you or your parents are paying a lot of money for your education. If their moral standards are such that it effects your ability to take advantage of what you are paying for? You have every right to complain.
If you have student loans out for your education you will be paying for this education for as the next 20 years. Do you not think you have every right to get the most out of what you are paying for?
Think about what I have written, then do what you feel is right.
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You need to take a deep breath.
You weren't going out with this guy. There was no commitment. Neither of them actually betrayed you. They were free to make the choices they did.
The fact that he keeps on hanging out with your friends and roommates means it's likely that the sex was totally consensual. He might be sorry that you are feeling hurt, but neither of them did anything wrong. They aren't obligated to grovel or beg your forgiveness.
Yes, it hurts. A lot. It always hurts when someone you really like chooses the company of someone else. It's okay to be hurt. It's especially difficult to be hurt by people you really can't avoid.
Stop having those 'intense conversations' with him. Actions speak louder than words and HIS actions have told you loud and clear that although he might feel for you (even feel guilty) he is still going to be friends with your roommate AND he hasn't asked you out or expressed a desire to be official with you - right?
So, he's not that into you.
Which sucks. But it means you need to stop dragging him through these intense conversations about your pain. He might be trying to be a good guy by listening, but in the end, neither of you are going to get what you want from these conversations and both of your are likely to end up feeling stupid and used.
Talk to your res support team. Your RA or someone like that might be able to refer you to someone to talk to about this stress and unhappiness, or might have some practical solutions for you. After all, that's what they are there for.
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Just because you're roomate sleeps around doesn't make her a bad person, she just has different standards. Did your roomate understand how serious you and this guy were? If she did, have a calm conversation with her tell her that her actions hurt you - because you say she doesn't seem affected, but maybe she really doesn't understand. If after the conversation is over and nothing is resolved ask to move into another dorm, colleges get these requests all the time and there's no sense living with someone you can't look in the face.
As far as this guy...he's not your boyfriend and you haven't known him that long...so my advice is to forget about him. He knew sleeping with your roomate would cross a line and he did it anyway. Also, he's still hanging out with her,could you ever trust him? They both decided to sleep together, he's at fault just as much as she is. So do yourself a favor, forget about him and try and smooth things over with your. You just got to college, have a good time!
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Hey there. I'm sorry for what happened to you. Honestly, I don't think you should bother yourself over that guy. First of all, if he were any bit decent, he shouldn't be having sex with a random girl. Same goes for your roommates. I would even want to switch out rooms, if it's not too late or if they're not all filled. Anyway, your roommate has no respect for you clearly and neither does the guy. And that lack of respect was clearly re-emphasized when you said "talk to me whenever you're ready to talk." That just sounds like "ok we'll deal with whatever you're feeling whenever you stop being so hung up over it". Nobody deserves to have a guy like this and since this was the beginning of the relationship, you can imagine what more drama is left to come. And the fact that he didn't even come talk to you means that he wasn't even thinking about you or thinking about how you would feel. He clearly has no affection or liking towards you. He probably used you to get to your roommates because that's just the kind of person he is. I'm sure you have more respect for yourself and the guys you see, and just write him off and let this be a lesson to you. Don't fall for guys who automatically have sex with a random girl. That's not the mentality of a friend or boyfriend you want in your life.
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