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My dad made his fiance pregnant (cheated on my mom) and he made her pregnant without asking me!

Question Posted Sunday October 21 2012, 3:39 pm

My dads having a baby with his girlfriend who he cheated on my mum with, since then my dad hasn't paid a penny for me he sees me twice a week if I arrange it he promised me hed never get married or have any more kids he's engaged and his girlfriends pregnant she's 43 and its her last chance for a kid she's never had one I get that but he promised me I don't want another brother or sister and he knows how I feel so she's 4 months in and she bleeds we don't know if she's lost it or not yet but he just cancelled on me completely to run to her for these scans it just proves to me how I'm gunna be dropped when the baby gets here and I don't want to sound like a horrible person but if she's lost it then maybe it'll show them both to think about me and my sister before going behind our backs and doing things like that and also how stupid it is she's 43 its not fair but tough she's too old for kids now I know I sound selfish but my dad put me through getting engaged and his gf pregnant behind my back and I just got used to the idea now she might lose it he's selfish and he's a bad dad to us why shud he put another kid through that please give me advice on what to say to my dad?

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adviceman49 answered Monday October 22 2012, 11:33 am:
Lets put somethings in perspective here before we decide just who is being selfish.

Dad cheated on mom. Bad dad
Dad made promises to you he didn't keep. He is getting married again. This is a tricky area as which came first did he get engaged first or did his girlfriend become pregnant first. If she got pregnant then he offered to marry her to give the child a father? Well that is a point for dad.

Then there is the question of was dad really an active participant in this pregnancy other than the mechanical part. In other words did dad girl friend get pregnant on purpose. It happens you know. If you don't know for certain you have to give your dad a pass on this one.

Cancelling on you because he needed to take his girlfriend to the doctor or hospital as she might be loosing her baby? You may not like this but dad scores big on this one as that is the right thing to do. He can always make things up with you. Though if he didn't take his fiance to the doctor he might never get the chance to make things up to her or his future child.

Now for the big one. Dad not paying child support. He looses big time on this one. While in one area he is doing the responsible thing in the other area which is just as big and just as important he is being selfish and not taking his legal responsibilities, to you and any underage siblings you may have, properly. He is legally required to support you, by seeing to your medical, dental, clothing and food needs until you reach the age of 18.

This is something mom should have a court order to the effect of. If she does not she needs to get one. If she cannot afford a lawyer she can get legal assistance for one. IF she has a court order she needs to contact social services to have it enforced.

As to dad not living up to his obligations to you and any under age siblings you have. This is something mom must address. Dad is not being fair to you I agree. Unfortunately life is not always fair. Though nothing says that when and if the new baby comes along he will be a bad father to it or that you will take a back seat to the new baby.

His new wife to be may make a big difference in how he parents in the future. Right now you are full of anger at him and her for something you cannot change. whatever happened while it effected you was really between dad and mom.

My advice is to say nothing to dad, at least for now. Try and lose the anger you have towards dad and his future wife. Be a protector for your step sibling and watch out for it. If you see dad doing to it what was done to you, then you can step in and say something to him or your step mother.

Right now your anger towards him is blinding you from seeing what you can and cannot do. What is and what isn't. Deal with your anger issues first. Then observe what is really going on before you take any action.

What needs to be done today is to encourage mom to take the action she needs to take to have dad comply with any court order support or to get a court order for support for you and any underage siblings you have.

[ adviceman49's advice column | Ask adviceman49 A Question

Razhie answered Sunday October 21 2012, 8:02 pm:
Ask him what happened, and support him if he is scarred or sad for the baby.

Look - your dad might be a cheater, an asshole and a deadbeat, but he still gets to decide if and when he wants a baby. It was dumb of him to promise you anything like that, cause the truth is: you don't get to vote.

He might also be a bad dad, and selfish, but he still gets to make that decision with his partner.

And if his partners pregnancy was in danger, he did the right thing by going to her. Loosing a baby is a horrible tragedy, and any man should do as much for the women who is having his baby.

If you are angry with your dad for not supporting you, for not spending time with you and for lying to you, then you should tell him as much. He shouldn't be doing those things and he should want to fix them.

BUT, and this is a big but, you need to let your anger about this pregnancy go, because at this point you have crossed the line to being selfish and wishing harm on others, even innocent others, and no matter how badly your dad has behaved, it's wrong to think you get to make choices for him, and its wrong to wish harm on him, his fiancé, or their baby, because you are hurting.

Your dad might be selfish and awful. He may have hurt you truly and deeply. And that is totally wrong but you don't have to sink to his level. So don't. Tell him what he has done to hurt you, but also show some concern and respect for the pregnancy and the baby.

[ Razhie's advice column | Ask Razhie A Question

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