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Is it an addiction? Does he need help?? Please read.
Hi, I'm 20/f and my fiance is 20/m. We have been together for almost 2 1/2 years.
My fiance recently admitted that he has an addiction to porn. Porn bothers me a lot, and I'm not sure why. I'm very thankful that he doesn't go out and get it from other women, but I can't help how upset it makes me feel, if I could, I wouldn't be having this issue. I guess I just feel like if I was enough, he shouldn't be looking at other women.
I've done a lot of researching on the internet, and I have realized a lot about this. I understand men are visual people, and I understand that majority of mean don't do it to hurt their spouse, it just makes masturbation more pleasurable.
BUT...
It hurts me, and my fiance is well aware of that. I have busted him watching porn 4 times in the past, and all those time he has lied to me; (he said to protect from hurting me) He said that he feels guilty after each viewing of a video, but the guilt is obviously not enough to stop. I caught him doing it about 2 months ago, and he told me that he wouldn't lie to me about it anymore. If I asked him, he would come clean so I woldn't have to bust him. He told me that he DOESN'T want to watch it anymore, he just doesn't know how to stop.
Well Thursday, I didn't catch him watching porn, but I did catch him watching videos on youtube of females shaking their asses; I was hurt, but not like I am when its legit porn. I asked him, he denied it. We had a heart to heart conversation about it last night and he told me that he was going to try to control it. He said that it feels like something is controlling him that he can't control. He wants to have control because he knows if he doesn't he will end up losing me. He told me that if he doesn't think he can control it, he is going to make himself leave me so he can't hurt me anymore; but if he slips up and tells me the truth, than he sees that as a step of controlling it and he will stay; so basically our relationship is on the line and i do NOT want to lose him, but he's determined to stop not matter what! :/
I've tried to help him all I can. I've locked the computer, I've gave him more sex, I've tried it all. We were going to do therapy when the incident two months ago happened, but I honestly didnt' feel like it was an addiction.
I feel like it isn't an addiction because he will go 2-3 maybe more months WITHOUT it, and than he will have a 'slip' up. When he was watching it, it was for 4 months, and maybe 4 times a week, once a day. He doesn't let it affect our sex life, and it doesn't affect his well being ( work, friends, our sex life, his sleep, ect) thats why I don't think its an addiction.
I guess my concern is this:
He told me that when he masturbates, he thinks about HIM HAVE INTERCOURSE WITH OTHER WOMEN. I asked him why would he care to think about sex with other women when he has me, and he said because he doesn't know what its like to have sex with any female except me (I'm the only girl he's only been with,)and he is curious.
I'm afraid that if he is curious about sex with other women, that the urges he has with porn will end up not being enough to meet his 'high' and he will go out and find it from other women. He says he would never cheat on me, BUT when you have an addiction its hard to say? Curiousity killed the cat, right?
Btw, we live together. We have an amazing relationship, minus this. I want to work it out and help him because he told me he wants my help in stopping this 'addiction'.
Do you have any advice on what steps we could take? Do you think that if this porn doesn't get under control that it could lead to him cheating on me? Do you believe that therapy really helps?? He is willing to try anything, we don't know where to start because we have never delt with anything like this.
Thank you so much!
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Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
Hi, I've been addicted to porn for years :( I'm only seventeen, I've been doing it since middle school. Only recently have I been making progress, it's extremely difficult, and VERY depressing, but it can go away. It's true, It's like I'm not the one controlling it. I've tried many things and right now is my longest run without porn. One major thing I'm doing is keeping myself busy, that's really important and I never thought it would work. I have to make sure I stay out of the house as long as possible and that I'm not home alone doing nothing. It's important to stop the addiction as soon as possible, or else, like you said, it will escalate. It's exactly what happened to me, just that the type of porn escalated, it got more intense and weirder. One of the problems I'm having with recovery is something like mood swings, one day I'll feel all pumped up and confident, then I'm all depressed and low. I learned alot from a internet thing called "Your Brain On Porn" shorted as YBOP. A lo of people my age tell me that there's nothing wrong about it, but I disagree. I try to avoid it at all costs, from what I've experienced, it has some type of desensitizing side affect. Don't let him get pulled into it. And don't be too harsh to him, I usually would watch it when feeling like crap. Usually teachers or family would say stuff to me that would do it. Just remember, it can be really difficult to quit. He can stop the addiction. It's hard to do it alone, that's how I've been doing it. It is possible. Hopefully this helped, good luck,this CAN be done.
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If he sincerely doesn't want to watch porn anymore, then he should seek therapy - alone. You don't need couples counseling to modify one person's behavoir. If you both agree that it is HIS behavoir that is the problem, then he should talk about that with a mental health professional to help change it.
You can't help him much with that. It's HIS behavoir that has to change. It's not your job, and it shouldn't ever be considered your job. He is in ultimate control of what he chooses to do.
That's all the advice anyone can really give him. If he wants to change a behavoir he really believes is a serious problem, then he needs to get outside help.
Now for your problem:
You don't get to police his thoughts, or his fantasy life. End of story.
Should your boyfriend fantasize about other women? About winning the lottery? About being a race car driver in an illegal drag race in Tokyo?
Yes. You are not entitled to policing your partner's fantasy world. They get to have it, and whatever is in it. It's unkind and counter productive to blame them for it.
Sexual fantasies about others (and yes, also porn) is normal, natural and healthy in most cases. Some people do engage with them badly, and neglect their partners, get stupid ideas about sex or watch porn that is not created ethically - and a minority of people do cheat. But the majority of people who watch porn are loving and loyal boyfriends, husbands and even fathers. They understand that fantasies are fun and great, and that porn isn't real, and that their relationships are a different, and better, kind of thing.
Most of the men you've ever met - have watched porn and fantasized about sex with women other than their partners. Many of them do it often. And all of that is only slightly less true of all the women you know.
Cheaters cheat. People who don't want to cheat, don't cheat.
Here's the basic truth you and your boyfriend are avoiding:
He wants to watch porn.
He might feel bad or ashamed about, but he wants to do it. That's why he does it.
It's not an addiction like cocaine. It's compulsion and he can control it. Right now, he's not controlling either because he hasn't learned how (a therapist can help him learn) or because he doesn't really want too.
The upside of this is that if he WANTED to cheat, he'd do that too. Clearly. He doesn't.
Cheaters cheat. People who don't want to cheat, don't cheat. Doesn't matter if the person of their sexual dreams crawls into bed naked beside them - if they don't want to cheat - they don't.
If you and your boyfriend agree that pornography is not something you want in your relationship, that's great! That means you are on the same page and working towards the same vision of your lives together.
But if you start trying to police, control or shame your partner for his thoughts and fantasies, that's no longer being part of a relationship, that's a form of emotional abuse and an unrealistic expectation to have on another human being.
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