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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
Should I wait to get my books until after the first day of classes or should I go ahead and get them? My parents say that I should wait, but I'm not really liking the idea of walking into class the first day unprepared.Will the books be sold out if I wait to buy my books?
The Answer
You should use your best judgement.
If a class has only one or two text books listed, and the list is current and reliable, it's probably in your best interest to just get them. Those in-demand, first-year class, text books do occasionally sell out. And no - you can't get everything off of Amazon.com.
If a class lists many more books, you should hold off and get those as they are needed or discussed.
I wouldn't worry too much about coming unprepared to your first class. If you are a first year student most teachers will understand you are still learning the system and will help you know what you need.
But if a class - especially a big basic class like art history or economics 101 sort of class - has only one or two text books listed, you are normally best off to just get them as soon as you are able.
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The Question
I know love is just supposed to be about love but realistically financial situations can easily ruin a relationship and I think it's already starting to tear apart mine.
Here's the deal. I've been with my boyfriend for a couple of months of now and we're doing really good. He's become my best friend and I almost believe he's my soul mate as silly as that sounds.
We'd never really fought before last night but I finally hit a weak point with him on the topic of money.
He's 21 and his parents pay for almost everything. He lives in an apartment outside his parents home and they pay for his schooling and rent. All he has to pay is like $100 a month for car insurance on the car that was given to him also by his parents and he doesn't even think he should have to pay that. He works about 25 hours a week at a local grocery store.
I work 40-60 hours a week and I'm 19. I pay $550 rent, $316 car payments, $180 car insurance, $50 cellphone bill, $150 groceries, gas and other living expensive all on my own. I don't have any help from my parents or family members.
Last week he decided not to go to work for a week. He didn't even take vacation he just didn't go so he didn't get paid today like he normally would. Well now he's saying he probably won't be able to see me this week unless I pick him up and that he's afraid the cash he has won't last him through the week for even himself and frankly that pisses me off.
He chose to not work and now he's realized he doesn't have any money and he's upset about it.
I wouldn't be so angry if he hadn't said I spend too much of my own money last night when I went over all of my finances with him (which isn't the first time it's been talked about) he kept saying that I was paying too much for them when clearly he doesn't understand how much it costs to actually support yourself.
Now it's like if I drive to him I pay for gas i pay for all of our meals I pay for everything. With that said I've been low on cash lately (I have $180 to last me until Friday) because he always wants to go out to eat for all of our meals and I almost always pay and I never had this issue before we started dating. I literally probably spend around $150 on him every week between eating out and gas for my car even with a hybrid.
On top of that I have the next week off which I'm taking vacation time for (I get paid) and just a couple nights ago we planned to go out of town. Now we can't go anywhere because he doesn't want to pay for anything and I'll be damned if I spend all of my money when he put himself in his financial situation so I'm probably going to spend the next week at home doing nothing.
What do you think I should do?
We'd talked about getting engaged in the close future and getting a place together but there's no way in hell I'm going to pay for everything and support him while he pulls crap like this.
The Answer
I think you should go on your own vacation.
Then I think you should break up with him.
Or better yet, dump him first, then take yourself on a vacation.
He's not an adult. You aren't able to have an adult relationship with him because he's not an adult. No one has ever asked him to be an adult before. He doesn't understand what he is demanding of you, or what you are asking of him.
You've been together for months. You aren't ready to get engaged to him, and you certainly can't live with him while he remains dependant on his parents.
So cut your losses. If you want to be kind, tell him exactly why.
Then take care of yourself. You are good at that. You don't need to take care of a man-child.
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The Question
Ihave a really big heart I fall for guys or should I say emotionally into a guy very quickly. And I usually just get treated like crap. Or I go for the guys that treat me like carp. I like to believe in fairytales and there will be that one person one day that will completely sweep me off my feet. I refer to him as my prince charming in shining armor. But lately I've realized that's not getting me anywhere except emotionally damaged. I want to try the whole party thing and hooking up with a guy here and there. Without all the emotions and starting to like a guy for him to push me away or screw me over. I was talking to my brother and hes convinced he's never going to love again and hws basically heartless when it comes to relationships. And I realized I am shallow to the point of getting bored and temporarily liking someone then I push them away. I just want to know how can I continue being that way without getting hurt over it with my heart. I tend to be a pushover and I feel bad so I stick arouns or go out of my way. Mt question is how can I play the guy games? How can I get what I want without feeling bad for it. I've got the get what I want down mostly but I usually screw that up with my feelings. I just want to be more shallow or heartless. Please don't tell me not to give up on love or fairytales are possible. I sont want to hear that cause I tend to put my hopes way to high to reach. Just guys please tell me how to play the games without the emotions getting in the way. Thankyou in advance..
The Answer
Reality Check:
Your brother is going through a phase, he's not an expert at love and relationships. He will probably change his mind, love again, and he isn't really heartless. It's a period of time in his life that will probably pass.
If it doesn't pass, he will probably become less happy, not happier, in the long term.
This period of time in your life, will also pass.
That doesn't mean you are completely wrong. I think you have some great goals for yourself.
Learn to be less of a pushover.
Manage your expectations of others and don't push them away immediately.
Learn to have romantic and even sexual relationships that don't necessarily conform to the storybook version in your head.
Those would be very good things to learn how to do, but those aren't 'playing guy games' those are SKILLS where you learn how to be honest with yourself about what you want, honest about your expectations and what is realistic, and honest with the guys you are interested in.
You don't need to be more shallow, or heartless, you just need to be calmer and have a cooler head when approaching dating and love. You aren't going to get what you want by pretending to be heartless. You'll just end up hurting again (because if you are a good person, it will hurt you to pretend you aren't.)
Fairytale aren't possible. Unicorns aren't real. But love isn't a fairytale. Once you accept that, you'll be one huge step closer to finding it.
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The Question
My husband really gets on my nerves but I'm not sure if he's to blame. I think I am a difficult person to live with. I am highly strung and lose my temper really quickly. He does things that wind me up again and again always promising he won't do it again. He invariably does. If he does or says something stupid I tend to blow it up out of proportion. When I do this he gets angry too. I wish he could stay calm and help me to calm down but when he gets annoyed I get even worse. I want things done my way and if he doesn't agree I lose it. I had a difficult childhood and wonder if I'm trying to gain control now or maybe I'm just a nasty woman. I think he would be better off without me but he says he doesn't want us to separate. I don't think I can stand this unhealthy relationship much longer but how do I stop or escape.
The Answer
You need therapy. With or without your husband, you need to go to therapy.
You KNOW that your reactions are the problem here. You loose your temper too quickly. You blow things out of proportion. You are inflexible, demanding and out of control.
Regardless of your husbands behavoir, you need to work on you. If you don't get your own behavoir under control ALL of your relationships will be just an unhealthy as this one.
You don't need to know how to make it stop all by yourself, but you do need to seek help in learning how to stop it. So talk to a professional.
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The Question
Ever since I got a thyroid condition I have not been able to get my hair to grow past my shoulders.
I've been looking online to find hair extensions that match my hair type, but they all come from different countries, like China, Brazil and India.
This may be a silly question, but can disease travel through hair? I know there are different diseases in different parts of the world.
I guess another way to ask this question is, if I order anything — say a gift — from a third world country, can a disease or illness travel with it? Or does that just happen with food..?
Thank you.
The Answer
Get your extensions through a reputable salon.
Although there probably aren't nearly so many illnesses that could be passed on through hair, as through food (in fact, I'm pretty sure the major concern would be fleas and ticks, not bacteria or viruses) it's still a good idea and investment to go through the professionals when you want something like this done.
A good salon will know who to buy from for the best quality and reliability. A good salon will also be responsible for anything that goes wrong with the product, and will help you to know how to care for it and get the most out of it.
This really isn't something you want to do yourself. You just don't have the know-how or experience. Go through a pro.
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The Question
is it because it is impractical when practicing swimming? Does a girls stomach distract the boys in the class or something? It is funny because boys are allowed to wear their swim trunks and nothing else
The Answer
It's impractical, it can slide off, and it's also unnecessarily sexualizing, but I think that's the least of the problems.
Do you see professional competitive swimmers wearing bikinis? Of course not, because a bikini is not sportswear for swimming - it's lingerie you wear on the beach.
You also probably wouldn't be allowed to wear a top hat while playing soccer, or Mickey Mouse costume while playing volleyball.
There might be some two piece swimsuits that are effective for swim lessons, but since the vast majority would not be, it's simpler for a school or other organization to ban them outright.
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The Question
what does it mean when your boyfriend who is also a single father is so defensive of his ex and his kid and keeps bringing up splitting up when you argue. guy's point of view please. thanks
The Answer
It could mean that he is a decent father who has his priorities straight.
He has a kid and that won't be changing. He also has an ex who is the mother of the child, who he needs to learn to live with for the next decade or so in relative peace and respect. Whether he loves her or hates her, he MUST co-parent with her. He is in charge of his relationship with both of them - his girlfriend might have opinions when it comes to his child or his ex - but his girlfriend doesn't ever get a vote.
There isn't really enough here to go on, but you need to respect your boyfriend as a father, and let him manage that important part of his life. That doesn't mean he's innocent or blameless, but it does mean that you need to understand where your rights end, and his child's begin.
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The Question
Im the president of many clubs about old tv shows and I made a board game for one of them.We keep track of how each character is doing.I've had to do this job and i'm getting sick of it.I'm President not Secretary.No one wants to do this job,but we all want to know how our characters are doing.If I do this i'm brainwashed.If not i'm stubborn.I was doing this for a while for the greater good.The club is my favorite.I would like to find someone to do this.What should i do?I don't want the club to fall apart because of this.
The Answer
Well, if no one is the club wants to do this, then maybe it's not a good thing for the club to be doing?
I don't know what else to tell you. Being in charge often means serving the needs of others, not giving orders. You're not brainwashed - you are doing something that the members of your club has told you is important to them.
If it's not important enough to them help out - maybe take a week or a month each - then maybe the club isn't important enough to them to continue to exist.
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The Question
I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years. Initially when we got together he had a high porn addiction, but now we have been living together for a year and even longer than that, he's been watching it in reasonable amounts and for instance if I'm gone for the weekend.
I'm fine with that, but what concerns me is that his content choice is everything that I am not...
I.e he's always searching for threesomes, big boobs (I'm not even that small, I am a big C cup), hot redheads and anal.
From a guy's perspective, is this a reflection on everything I am not, or is it simply the small turn ons or even compensation; I have told him I'll never have a threesome as it never is as awesome as porn makes it seem & I don't think it is something for a serious couple.
I'm up for anal but he's never made the effort to commit to it - it takes both of us to make it happen & yes it requires more work than it does in porn but he's not even up for buying lube.
So please settle my mind by telling me what exactly guys see their porn choices as, desires? Simply just naked people fucking?
The Answer
Don't you fantasize about things you don't actually want to do?
I know I do. I fantasize about all sort of stuff, sexual and otherwise, that I would never actually want to do. Some of it's too hard, or requires too much commitment, some of it would just be stupid dangerous or have serious negative consequences, and some of it I just know will never actually live up to the fantasy so why bother?
Do you watch superheros movies because you are really dedicated to learning how to fly? Probably not. Do you watch Breaking Bad 'cause you really want a career making crystal meth? Or watch The Bachelorrette 'cause you really think that being trapped in a big house with 20 guys chosen by a casting agent and surrounded by TV cameras is really a good way to find true love? I certainly hope not.
Fantasy is fantasy. Entertainment is entertainment. Porn isn't all that special. Sex isn't so incredibly different and special. This isn't so much a 'guy thing' as it is a human thing. Adult, sane, human beings are capable of recognizing the difference between things that entertain them or things they find sexually appealing, and things they actually want to DO.
The next time you really enjoy a fantasy, a book or a movie, ask yourself what you see that choice of entertainment as? Is it actually a reflection of some sort of deep desire you really want to act on in your own life? Probably not. There's your answer.
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The Question
You want to be with someone abd their reply to you is "You don't want to be with me" abd when you ask them why they respond "because I am not strong enough"?
The Answer
It means they don't want to be with you, but don't have the balls to admit it.
It means instead of telling you that they don't want to be with you, for whatever reason, they are telling you that that they aren't 'good enough' for you, or aren't worthy of you.
They might also truly believe that they aren't good enough for you, or worthy of, or just know in their heart that they are not in a healthy place where they can be in a relationship right now.
But whatever else is going on, is also means they don't want to be with you. They might love you. They might wish to be with you. But whatever else their feelings might be, they are actively choosing NOT to accept the truth of your feelings and are trying to evade them.
Walk away from someone who behaves this way. At best, they just don't want to be with you or aren't capable of being with. At worst, they are attention-seeking manipulators.
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The Question
My sisters and I have had several weird issues as we got married we were virgins when we got married and all 3 of us were diagnoised with cylimdia as adults. If my Mother had a STD while birthing us in a regular vaginal birth can this be given to the baby and lay dormate for years. I know what you are thinking but we really were virgins and the guys were supposed to be as well.
The Answer
Clymydia can be passed from mother to child.
And many women with clymydia never show any symptoms.
So it's certainly possible that you got clymydia as infants from your mother, and didn't realize it until you were checked as adults. It's seems a bit unlikely to be honest - that none of you ever showed symptoms or had a full check up until after you were married - but it is possible.
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The Question
In the 2 years I have had my 401k I have saved roughly 8.5k. Its a low risk account so its not accumulating quickly but its safer from market crashes. I'm just wondering if in 10 years I will have most likely saved 50k? Ill be 33 by then
The Answer
Not unless you plan on putting more in per year, no, it probably won't.
Based on what you've said here, it's impossible to really know. We don't know your interest rate, your salary or your employers matching plan (if any).
But theoretically speaking, if you keep putting about 4,000 in a year, and where getting a 4% annual rate you still wouldn't have 50k in ten years. You'd be close, but not quite. If you are in a really low risk account, you probably aren't getting 4%.
If you don't know how to calculate compound interest, use an online calculator. That will give you a better idea of what you need to do to reach your goals.
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The Question
How do you feel about tipping?
I know this may piss some people off but I do not tip. I believe one pays for service when they dine out in the cost of their meal.
I am not looking to hear how ignorant I seem to be, I am looking for opinions.
The Answer
I dislike tipping. It's part of a broken system. but I do it, and I do it for two reasons that have already come up.
Unforcunately, you are suffering from some ignorance if you believe that service is included in the cost of your meal. In the vast majority of situations, it simply isn't.
Minimum wage for servers can be as much as 70% less then the minimum wage for any other labor. Although some states do pay their servers the actual, minimum wage, many pay them only $2.13 an hour - the federally mandated legal minimum for 'tipped' workers.
Under that system a 'tip' isn't a tip at all - a tip actually makes up the vast majority of a server's salary. We aren't giving servers a bonus for good service - we are subsidizing their wage because their employer, and the goverment, have determined they do not need to be paid a actual living wage.
It's worth it knowing what the situation is in your own state.
The primary beneficiary are this system of tipping isn't the servers - it's the restaurants who get to pay an artificially low hourly rate - and push the true cost of employing servers directly onto their customers.
The end result is that if restaurants were actually covering the cost of paying a living wage to their service staff - your meal with cost several dollars more.
The second reason I tip is a little less straightforward - This is my community. I live here and so do most of the service staff. I tip them 'cause I come to some restaurants regularly, and I get some of the perks of being a regular. Since I'm not prepared to have the principled, legal discussion which each of them about why the wages they are getting are unfair - I tip.
Not tipping doesn't change the law, or the culture. Its doesnt create a better system for servers or diners. It just punishes the server and makes you look like an asshole who values their time and effort at far below a living wage.
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The Question
Hey guys
So i am 16 and moved to this state 3 years ago and one of my guy friends has had a crush on me ever since i moved here. I dated him once and it only lasted 3 months. I only see him as a friend and nothing more but he just cant accept that. I have had a few boyfriends since i last dated him and i am currently in a happy relationship with another guy. My problem is, my friend is ALWAYS telling me how much he likes me and how he cant get over me and stuff like that. He says that over texts although when we talk in person he just acts like a normal friend. I have told him a million times I ONLY LIKE HIM AS A FRIEND AND I HAVE A BOYFRIEND. he just doesnt get it -_-. Its been going on for 3 years and i want to keep him as my friend cuz he is fun to hang out with and nice but what do i do??
The Answer
He's not your friend. He's a bully.
He's taken his crush on you and is trying to use it as a weapon to beat you down until you say yes.
It's not just unfriendly, it's rude and its cruel.
You tell him as much. Tell him he is being cruel and a bully and it needs to stop. Stop letting him disrespect and bully you because you are afraid to hurt his feelings.
If he can't stop - stop being his friend.
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The Question
My friend Jezz is getting married and I am the maid of honor. One of my task is to make sure all the bridesmaids have their dresses. I spoke with two of the other bridesmaids and delivered the news that Jezz said the dresses can be their choice as long as it wasn't racy and had to be red. Jezz had a talk about how all bridesmaids where to pay for their own dresses, Now the bridesmaids are expecting their dresses to be paid by the bride and it is causing a great deal of stress. Dress fittings are next week....
The Answer
I have truly never heard of a bride paying for bridesmaids' dresses. It's seems to be to be quite understood that accepting the honour of being a bridesmaid, will come with some additional costs (organizes showers or parties, travel and buying a dress.)
I have heard of brides offering to pay for alterations if the dresses are all the same (that way the bridesmaids know exactly what the cost is upfront.) But I'd be shocked if a bride gave her bridesmaids that much freedom to select their own dress, and then paid for it.
Frankly tho - this is a discussion you don't need to be having with the bridesmaids. It's not your job or your place to explain money matters to them - that's Jezz's job. If they can't afford a dress, or they no longer want to be in the wedding party due to expense of buying a red dress, that is something they need to tell Jezz.
I understand you wanting to take this on for Jezz - after-all it's her wedding and you are her maid of honor - you probably want to fix everything. But you can't fix this. These women are being cruel to bring their money woes to you (and probably because they would be embarrassed to behave so rudely towards Jezz). Jezz asked these women to be her bridesmaids. Their agreement is with Jezz. If they aren't happy with the terms of that agreement, they need to speak to Jezz.
Just tell them that your understanding is that each person will pay for their own dress and if that isn't their understanding they need to speak to the bride.
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The Question
I am sick to my stomach right now:
Guy that I'm dating who's told me I'm his "dream girl" just LOST IT ON ME for posting on FB that him and I are together because he doesn't want his "EX GF" to find out cuz he "feels bad for her" (they broke up a while back), and DOES NOT WANT ANYONE KNOWING because of his ex gf who is still on his friends list and still has pictures if them together. What do you think of that?
Yet, when they were dating, he had it posted!
We had a huge fight about this before because in my opinion, he shouldn't be concerned what his "EX GF" feels when she finds out he's moved on. He tells me he feels for her. But what about
The Answer
Edit in response to feedback:
I said your boyfriend was wrong.
I said you were not wrong.
I also said you are both nuts. Nothing about your feedback to me suggests I was wrong. You have totally lost it. Dump him, since he is clearly not making you less nuts, and fin some peace.
This isn't 'immature boy games' - women are just as guilty if not more so of these sorts of things - it's just immature.
You are wrong that he shouldn't care what his ex thinks - She's a human being after all - would you want him to at least consider your feelings if he was your ex? It's okay for him to not want to cause her pain, or to invite her drama.
But he was wrong that those impulses (not wanting to hurt an ex, or have them cause drama) should stop you from posting about your relationship. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong. It's just something he (and his ex) need to suck up and deal with. You two are dating. That's just the truth and it's going to be out there.
But in the end, I agree with you:
You are both nuts. This question is nuts. These fights are nuts. This is a bunch of highschool drama and it's stupid that at 40 you two are having these sorts of fights.
So dump him and try to be better with someone else.
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The Question
i am a 24 y.o doctor, in some south east asia country (just a clue that we in the east regard our parents and ancestors highly, and i think families are closer and the tend to interfere more, and in the east any physical contact with another gender is not usual, even kissing before marriage or hugging in public is considered a taboo).
okay here's the problem, since more thatn a year ago (14 months ago) i have a huge crush on this girl, she is 9 years younger than me, that makes her 15 y.o. and no, i'm not a paedophile. i met her in my church youth community, and i was immediately captivated by her, she is a cheerful, maturely-thinking, and positive girl. she laughs at my jokes, easy to talk casually to anyone, and she's not the type of girl who thinks about preserving a good image, she just always be herself, that's why i like her very much (i like her before i know of her age)
i am myself a straight forward guy, and i did tell her about my feelings to her just after we know each other about 3 weeks, and of course i told her that im not a paedophile. she said she didnt have any special feelings for me, then i said it's okay, i will wait. and then we keep on contacting each other casually, i can see that she's doing her best not to hurt me, so i trty my best to love her without hoping for anything in return
it seemed that after about 7-8 months going like that, she told me that she loved me back, but i have to go to a rural area to work, so we just contact each other by messaging.it's fine for us, it's enough for now, i never hoped for a kind of physical relationship. i mean i got through one where i can kiss my gf,hug her, and it appeared that it was not what i was searching for.
here's the problem, i finally managed to get her to love me back, and our relationship is a quite positive one, i often help her with her school problems that she cant understand, we keep on reminding each other to pray before we go to bed, etc. and as i get to know her better, i like her even more, she might be the one i was looking for. i know i wont be marrying her before she finished her university (we agreed that i will become a specialist and she will finish her study first before we got married, and it was her who start the conversation about thi, so i guess she is kinda mature) . but the thing is her parents are VERY VERY PROTECTIVE. they never let her near any guy, dating is a big NO. she told me that even her sister who is 18 y.o and just finished her highschool is forbidden to have a boyfriend. and when she did (1month ago her sister got a boyfriend) her mom and dad scolded her sister and told her to break up. and while scolding her sister, she was also threatened that if they found out that she date anyone in highschool, she will be moved immediately to her parents' hometown (on another island) . i asked her if she thinks i can go and talk to her parents and ask for permission, but she said it will be a suicide mission and it will affect not only our relationship but also it will give her a big problem. so i didnt do it.
and now i'm back at town for some seminars, we can only meet each other by going out together with her frends.
not only her family, my parents always tell me to look for a success pair, a doctor too if possible. and maybe they wont regard her hghly because she's still young and have no degree yet.
our love grows each day, even if we cant see each other. it's enough for now, but now i am burdened everyday thinking how i long to have a relationship in which i can know her family further, and she can know my family too. i want to have a relationship that is blessed by our parents, and we always remind each other to pray for each of us and our parents to someday understand us (i said it already about how we regard our family and parents highly). i dont like to sneak behind our parents' back, but seeing her parents attitude i'm toubled. any advice about what i shpuld do?
The Answer
I understand this isn't the advice you want to hear, but the truth is that, at 24, you shouldn't be carrying on with a 15 year old, no matter how mature she appears to be, or what culture you live in.
Her abject refusal to let her parents know about you is evidence that no matter how mature she may look or speak - she isn't. She is entirely dependent upon them. She is, in that sense, a child.
She is likely a child under the law, and she is probably still very much a child in her a great deal of her heart and mind.
It's understandable that you want her parents to know - because you don't want to be dating a child - you want an adult, open relationship with a woman. But if you tell her parents right now, when she is 15, you'd be endangering her, because she isn't an adult, capable of an open and equal relationship with you, she is their child and their dependent. Exposing her in this way could risk her education, her future, and perhaps even her physical safety.
You shouldn't be in this relationship at all - it isn't equitable, and it can't be. You have way, way more power to move in the world and make decisions than she does. No matter how respectful you try to be, your relationship will almost certainly wind up coercive.
But since you won't end it (and you should) at least respect her enough to not expose her to risk of abuse and shame at the hands of her family.
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The Question
I am quite a gym rat and my husband has no interest in any kind of workout or exercise at all. He is way too skinny for a guy and would certainly benefit from joining me at the gym occasionally.
How can I motivate him? Is there a playful way for me to show him that I have developed a lot more strength than him (I'm sure i have). I have also been doing some kickboxing and karate classes which I don't think he even knows.
Any suggestions on how I can motivate him? I'm not trying to be mean or vain. Maybe pick a play fight and put him in his place playfully?
The Answer
Talk to him and invite him along.
Play-fighting is a horrible idea. If he is a skinny guy, and play fighting is not an established part of your relationship, that could backfire and leave him feeling coerced and bullied.
Think about it as if your genders were reversed - would it be a good idea for a husband to try and encourage his light-weight wife to beef up by showing her how much stronger than her he is? That sounds pretty creepy right? Yeah. It's not much less creepy for a woman to do that.
Talk to him about the fun you are having in kickboxing or karate. Tell him you'd like to do it together. Or think of something else you could do together you think he'll enjoy.
This is the kind of topic where your job is to to open doors, not to make demands. 'Way to skinny for a guy' is your personal opinion, and you get to have it, but it shouldn't define his life or be used a tool to shame or coerce him.
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The Question
22/f. I am just looking for a person to tell me what I can do and how I can overcome this obstacle in my life. My mom is out of control. I use to be able to deal with it, but now I can’t. It’s affecting my health and I’ve already had to start taking pills to be able to be in control of my emotions. She is so completely and totally out of control and I can’t live this way anymore.
My depression is growing stronger by the days. My mom is like straight out of a scary movie. She does not work and has nothing to do during the day. So, she stalks me on facebook. Then, she calls me while I am at work to tell me that someone commented on my page and she wants to know why I’m talking to that person. Every friend that I’ve ever had has been “bad” in her eyes. The reason for this is because they take up my time. Same with boyfriends. Not necessarily that they are “bad” but she is extremely jealous. I am fearing for myself and for my children in the future. I want to get married, leave my house, and be happy. I want to raise a family. I have come very close to moving out before. I’ve been working since I started college. Every time that I have come remotely close, she has thrown herself into tantrums. My grandmother starts acting like she’s going to have a heart attack and they make it so dramatic. Then, they proceed to tell me that I cannot leave the house until I am married. I’m sure that I will be married soon. I have a boyfriend and it seems to be headed in that direction. But, not soon enough, as I need to get out of there now.
I remember I had a problem with my car once and I called my dad. She got pissed and started throwing things and didn’t speak to me for weeks. My parents are divorced, but it is NO reason to get to this level AT ALL. I called the man I thought could help me. I can’t even talk to my father without her getting jealous. I was at a baby party this weekend and I was talking to one of her cousins, whose about 40. We were just talking about careers and the possibility of me getting married in the near future and my mom tells me “what were you and her talking so secretly about?” OH MY GOSH! It’s like every time I look over my shoulder, she’s there, ready to attack.
She does not let me sleep in my own room. I have tried several times and she makes me go back to her room. When I am in my room, I read or talk on the phone until I’m ready to go to sleep. I can’t do that in her room because she’s sleeping. Not only that, but she’ll start asking a million questions. WHY ARE YOU READING? WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO? It’s TOO much! I am a good daughter. I promise you. I don’t drink, don’t do drugs, and work very, very hard. My mom doesn’t work and I have 3 jobs to support her and myself. My mom stole my identity once I turned 18. I only found out about it recently. I pulled up a credit report because I was ready to find an apartment and it was horrible. I learned that it was her and decided not to press charges. I’m afraid that when I have my own place, she’ll probably go driving by the front of the house to see what’s going on. She’s THAT much of a stalker.
She treats me like garbage. She is always saying that I’m a bitch and saying things like “f you”. She says that I have ugly hair and that I’m not as pretty as she thought I’d be. She calls me a liar if I don’t call her during lunch to say that I’m having lunch. She’ll say “I thought you were working at 12. You were having lunch and you didn’t call me. You’re a liar!”
I need to fix my credit and pay all these debts before I can move out. I finish college in December, and then just need to find a full time job. What can I do? Is there any advice you can give me to move out earlier? PLEASE HELP!
The Answer
Press Charges.
You want to move out earlier? You want to start your own life? It's a straight-forward first step: Press Charges against your mother for the identity fraud.
You've been on the site for a long while, and been given lots of advice on how to deal with the financial situation, the moving out, and your mother's ongoing abuse of you.
You don't seem to have taken ANY of that advice.
If you don't change anything you are doing, stop being surprised that your family isn't changing anything they are doing. Your mother gets to control you and steal from you whenever she likes! Why would she change? It's working for her. She is getting what she wants.
Call the cops about the identity fraud for goodness sake. There is plenty that can be done to help absolve you of the debts SHE earned.
The banks and credit card companies made errors when they allowed her to use her child's identity to run up bills. Make some noise about this and get the police involved! This is a solvable problem, but most credit bureaus will not erase fraudulent accounts from your file until you file a police report.
You want a solution. That is your solution:
You have been the victim of a crime. Report it.
Don't answer the phone when she calls.
Buy a lock for your bedroom door, and ear plugs, and go the fuck to sleep in your own room.
Ignore your enabling grandparents. They are part of the problem and not deserving of being taken seriously.
Change the passwords for social media accounts, block her as a friend, and guard your privacy.
Stop giving in. I'm not saying it's easy, but it's the only advice anyone can give you, and until you take it, nothing is going to change!
Every time you let her win, she'll only fight harder next time.
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The Question
I am a 23 year old female. I have a question regarding a relationship.
First the relationship question. I go to school in Toronto but am currently in South Korea teaching English for the summer - just over 3 months. I met a guy back in Toronto and we dated for 2 months. He is the best guy I have ever dated. I am very new at relationships but we have a lot in common (like we are both originally from Vancouver, same interests, etc) and compatible personalities. When I was in Toronto, he treated me very well. He always texted me, asked me out, paid for me, and ebought me a gift for my birthday even though we’d only been dating for a little while. Before I left for Korea he told me that he wanted to keep dating me when I got back to Toronto (I still have one year of my Master’ s of Education left). The day after I left he texted me to ask if he could tell people that we were dating (i.e., we were officially dating). He kept in contact for the first 3 weeks I was in Korea– every few days he would text, or sometimes I would text him. I should also mention that I have never really had a real relationship before. I have dated a lot of guys and have not found one that is as compatible a match for me as him, ever.
However, he recently had surgery back in Toronto, and was recovering at home for awhile. The last time we texted, I was in a bit of emotional pain because I knew we had many months ahead of us before we could see each other.
Now he hasn’t texted me in almost a week, or called, or Facebook messaged, or anything. I do not know what is going on. My mind is imagining all the worst case scenarios – that he has met someone else, that he has lost interest, that he forgot about me. The last time we texted it was I who initiated the conversation. I don’t want to keep initiating, I just can’t do it. I want him to WANT to talk to me.
I am hurting a lot. I think that after one or two more days I will text him, but I am not sure. I don’t want to always be the one initiating, like I said. If I always initiate, I do not feel wanted by the guy. Also, on a larger scale, I don’t know if it is even worth keeping in contact with him for these three months. Like I mentioned, it hurts me to do so because I know we have so long (over two more months) before we see each other. But if I don’t keep in contact, and then I go back after a few months, the conversation will be awkward because we won’t know where to start after so long apart. Any advice would help!
The Answer
This is ridiculous.
Text him. Call him. Stop this game playing.
It's okay to be scarred. It's okay to be stressed. It's not okay to be silent. If you continue like this you will destroy any relationship you have with this guy - regardless of what might be going on with him - if you don't change your behaviour, you will have effectively dumped him.
For goodness sake he had surgery and you are whining about emotional pain and initiating texting? Can you see how self-centred that sounds?
So you start by talking. Ideally over the phone or Skype, not texting. Stop sabotaging yourself. Stop game playing. Stop trying to read his mind from across an ocean. Talk to him! Ask him how his day was and ask for the kind of relationship that you WANT to have.
EVERYONE wants to be wanted. Guys and girls. That's not a special thing about you - that's everyone. No one wants to want someone who doesn't want them! Everyone is scarred of rejection. So stand up for yourself and let him know that you want him to want you. Tell him you aren't rejecting him and you might find out he's not rejecting you either.
Yes. It's scary and stressful. Its still the best path to happiness. So do it anyways.
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