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I can't take this anymore
22/f. I am just looking for a person to tell me what I can do and how I can overcome this obstacle in my life. My mom is out of control. I use to be able to deal with it, but now I can’t. It’s affecting my health and I’ve already had to start taking pills to be able to be in control of my emotions. She is so completely and totally out of control and I can’t live this way anymore.
My depression is growing stronger by the days. My mom is like straight out of a scary movie. She does not work and has nothing to do during the day. So, she stalks me on facebook. Then, she calls me while I am at work to tell me that someone commented on my page and she wants to know why I’m talking to that person. Every friend that I’ve ever had has been “bad” in her eyes. The reason for this is because they take up my time. Same with boyfriends. Not necessarily that they are “bad” but she is extremely jealous. I am fearing for myself and for my children in the future. I want to get married, leave my house, and be happy. I want to raise a family. I have come very close to moving out before. I’ve been working since I started college. Every time that I have come remotely close, she has thrown herself into tantrums. My grandmother starts acting like she’s going to have a heart attack and they make it so dramatic. Then, they proceed to tell me that I cannot leave the house until I am married. I’m sure that I will be married soon. I have a boyfriend and it seems to be headed in that direction. But, not soon enough, as I need to get out of there now.
I remember I had a problem with my car once and I called my dad. She got pissed and started throwing things and didn’t speak to me for weeks. My parents are divorced, but it is NO reason to get to this level AT ALL. I called the man I thought could help me. I can’t even talk to my father without her getting jealous. I was at a baby party this weekend and I was talking to one of her cousins, whose about 40. We were just talking about careers and the possibility of me getting married in the near future and my mom tells me “what were you and her talking so secretly about?” OH MY GOSH! It’s like every time I look over my shoulder, she’s there, ready to attack.
She does not let me sleep in my own room. I have tried several times and she makes me go back to her room. When I am in my room, I read or talk on the phone until I’m ready to go to sleep. I can’t do that in her room because she’s sleeping. Not only that, but she’ll start asking a million questions. WHY ARE YOU READING? WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO? It’s TOO much! I am a good daughter. I promise you. I don’t drink, don’t do drugs, and work very, very hard. My mom doesn’t work and I have 3 jobs to support her and myself. My mom stole my identity once I turned 18. I only found out about it recently. I pulled up a credit report because I was ready to find an apartment and it was horrible. I learned that it was her and decided not to press charges. I’m afraid that when I have my own place, she’ll probably go driving by the front of the house to see what’s going on. She’s THAT much of a stalker.
She treats me like garbage. She is always saying that I’m a bitch and saying things like “f you”. She says that I have ugly hair and that I’m not as pretty as she thought I’d be. She calls me a liar if I don’t call her during lunch to say that I’m having lunch. She’ll say “I thought you were working at 12. You were having lunch and you didn’t call me. You’re a liar!”
I need to fix my credit and pay all these debts before I can move out. I finish college in December, and then just need to find a full time job. What can I do? Is there any advice you can give me to move out earlier? PLEASE HELP!
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Press Charges.
You want to move out earlier? You want to start your own life? It's a straight-forward first step: Press Charges against your mother for the identity fraud.
You've been on the site for a long while, and been given lots of advice on how to deal with the financial situation, the moving out, and your mother's ongoing abuse of you.
You don't seem to have taken ANY of that advice.
If you don't change anything you are doing, stop being surprised that your family isn't changing anything they are doing. Your mother gets to control you and steal from you whenever she likes! Why would she change? It's working for her. She is getting what she wants.
Call the cops about the identity fraud for goodness sake. There is plenty that can be done to help absolve you of the debts SHE earned.
The banks and credit card companies made errors when they allowed her to use her child's identity to run up bills. Make some noise about this and get the police involved! This is a solvable problem, but most credit bureaus will not erase fraudulent accounts from your file until you file a police report.
You want a solution. That is your solution:
You have been the victim of a crime. Report it.
Don't answer the phone when she calls.
Buy a lock for your bedroom door, and ear plugs, and go the fuck to sleep in your own room.
Ignore your enabling grandparents. They are part of the problem and not deserving of being taken seriously.
Change the passwords for social media accounts, block her as a friend, and guard your privacy.
Stop giving in. I'm not saying it's easy, but it's the only advice anyone can give you, and until you take it, nothing is going to change!
Every time you let her win, she'll only fight harder next time.
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Your mom is a controller. Its also possible she was co-dependant with your dad so when he left, her reason for living, or person to control,was gone. Since she likely was living her life through someone else, when that someone was gone, she switched to trying to live her life through you.
Before dad divorced her, did she treat you the same way?
You already know this is unhealthy for you. So try to find other living arrangements until you graduate. As a last resort ask friends if they can take you in for free perhaps, even someones couch to sleep on for the next 5-6 months is going to be an improvement over what you have been dealing with.
Once you are done with school, start looking for a job much further away, a different city. Do not jump into a relationship for a place to live or marry the first guy who asks cus you want so badly to be away from her. You can legally change your name without marriage. Look into that without letting mom or any relatives know. A sibling or cousin could be overheard and once she knews what city and what name to look for, she'll hunt you down again. You may have to be willing to totally start new somewhere like a person in the 'Witness protection program". But you will have your life back and that is what is important.
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Your mother is a controller and so is your grandmother. You need to move out either to a place of your own, into a roommate situation or a rented room someplace. You can if your college has dorms move into a dorm room. As a Senior you may even offer to be a dorm leader or counselor which would make your dorm fee less.
See a credit counselor to get help with your credit payments. They may be able to consolidate you debt into one monthly payment that will be easier to handle and fix any damage to your credit rating.
As for Facebook; unfriend your mother and change your settings so only friends can see your page. Will this upset mom? I'm sure it will but you are an adult entitled to your privacy. It is time you acted like an adult and be responsible for yourself. Also start sleeping in your own room. There is no reason you should be sleeping in your mothers bed. You are both grown women both entitled to your privacy and you need yours.
Go in your room lock the door and go to sleep. Sure mom may pound on the door. Let her, she will tire of it soon enough. If your door does not have a lock on it go to one of the Big lot stores and buy a new door handle with a lock. Also ask someone to replace the screws with tamper proof screws and give you the proper tool to install the handle with the lock and tamper proof screws.
It is not hard to do. Once the new door handle is installed take the tamer proof screwdriver away from home and throw it away. Hopefully in this way mom will not be able to remove the new hardware you installed.
You are an adult now and entitled to your privacy and your own life. The only way your going to get it while still living at home with a controlling parent is to stand up for yourself and take what is your right. It won't be easy, but you have to be strong if you are going to have what is your right. Mom and Grandma won't like it but they will learn to accept it. Next time grandma fakes a heart attack call 911.
In fact every time she fakes a heart attack call 911. You are not a doctor so you would not know a faked heart attack from a real one. Today's rescue ambulances charge for transports to the hospital. Once she gets the bills for, which Medicare will not pay for unnecessary transports, she will stop faking heart attacks.
If mom goes of the deep end and goes on any type of rampage lock yourself in your room and call 911. Don't argue with her don't try to reason with her. Let the professionals handle her. Once again a few visits from the police and medics and possibly a few days in the hospital will curb her tantrums.
My suggestions are not easy to do or to see happen when the help you call for arrives. It is a form of tough love that allows you to have the life your entitled to if you must remain in this home. Your mother and grandmother have no earthly right to be treating you as they do. If this is what you must do to retrain them as to what are their boundaries with you then you must do so.
Just a note here for your edification: I'm old enough to be your grandfather. I have offered my advice to you in the manner that a grandfather should.
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Well first things first: Block her on Facebook.
I personally think that you need to get the hell outta there. If you can't afford your own house/apartment right now, maybe consider finding a roommate or just staying at a friends place until you can get things together. It seems like that is a horrible environment, and regardless of your financial state, you need to take drastic measures to get away. Clearly it is not good for your health and the longer you stay the worse it is going to get. Honestly at this point it would be best to break all ties from her and maybe get some help from others to make sure she keeps her distance. Personally, if I was in your situation, I would give her legal consequences when she does things like steal your identity. I think she needs that if you ever want to give her the message and make sure she doesn't walk all over you like that. You cant let her control your life like this and isolate you, its not good for either of you to be together.
If you and your boyfriend are headed in the track of marriage, I highly suggest that you talk to him about maybe staying with him for a while to get away from her.
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