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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

advice

I have to choose between two sports, a sport that I love and spend all my time thinking about and a sport that I for the most part dislike, but is really good for my college application. I am better at the second sport, but it’s just not fun for me!! Which should I choose and why???

How many years is your college life going to eat up out of your entire lifetime? That might be best way to make a decision. If it's only for four years or so, perhaps you can find it in yourself to put up with a sport you do not love but are good at. Once you graduate, you can go back to enjoying the sport you are most intrigued by. You could go watch games or maybe even get some training in how to play and join local playing leagues. There is no law barring you from that. So if a sport is the only thing barring you right now, you want to stop thinking of yourself for a moment and think of the impact of your feelings will have upon a team you play on in college. When a persons heart is not into something, they tend to lack a zeal and drive to excel, and in your case that would apply in the game. Unwittingly, due to your dislike of the sport, you could become the teams weak link and cause them to lose often, or all the time. This is something to think about. Could you put aside your dislike of the sport and really apply your self and play with an energy and drive that those who love the sport have, the desire to help your team win, the want to learn to love and support it? I can't say if its more your mind, ideas, thoughts and such that have you disliking the sport. If this is so, then perhaps in actually playing it you will find you are beginning to like it.

How crucial is the playing of a sport for college? Do you have to? If you don't and are thinking that you only want to list on an application that you have playing a certain sport, I can't say if that will matter to the college. It might be better to talk to Alumni of that college and ask them your questions. You said you have to choose so I assume you must do one sport and somehow it will be tied to a scholarship or your final degree. Does the school really offer both sports in question? If they do, how soon do you need to choose? Is there time to take a training course in the sport before college to see if you can get better with training? If so, then your choice will be to apply for the sport you love and have interest in. If there is no time to test yourself now ahead of time to see how quickly you pick up skills, then you know you'd be in an awkward spot to get accepted and then give up on the sport you liked and applied with, and may also be letting them down, the team that is. If you are so willing to take that chance, and so dead against the second sport, then do what you believe will make you happy. If being happy and not making sacrifices for the years you are in college is more important to you, then be happy and choose what you think will make you happy. If you decide you can endure anything for the duration of college, then choose the one you're better at and once graduated, follow your passions for fun.

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i need your help, i recently had incontinence, and i wore depends till i ran out now i wear, wearevers they are great underwear but i great for bowel accidents, they are great for urine though, so i need to ask my parents for depends, or adult diaper brand, please help me, God bless
skyler

This is something a doctor should check you out for any other underlying causes. Here's a link to info on it.https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/165408.php

Look up Kegel excercises and do these several times a day. It really helps.

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I am an 18 year old girl. I feel like my nana prefers my cousins over me. I recently got a new job in my local council and a few months later my cousin who is the same age as me got a job in mcdonalds. My nana posted a facebook status congratulating him for getting a job but didn't do the same for me. Am I being selfish? Everytime I see my nana I feel like she prefers my cousins than me because she spends more time with them and never praises me for anything. I just feel like she hates me

I can see how the situation would make you jump to such a conclusion. HOwever, there must be something going on that you are not aware of. I heard a story recently of a young adult whose grandfather seemed to pay her more attention than her own siblings and cousins. He volunteered the information that she most reminded him of his late wife when she was young, in personality and looks so of course he prefered spending time with her as it helped him feel closed to some of his best memories. I am sure her siblings and cousins felt as you do. Grandparents don't usually love one grandchild and hate another. They have lived longer and are not as prone to be led about by their emotions or jump to conclusions as the younger of us do. Its good to hear your Nana uses facebook. However its best not to rely on this as a true representation of what she is thinking or how she feels. Perhaps her memory isn't as trusty as it used to be and though she knows about you, she forgot to post. However you seem to feel its not just this one event but many that make you feel she seems to prefer a cousin or all of them. I can't believe all of them remind her of someone from her past, maybe one. So I hope you are not exaggerating which I have done too when younger and really upset. It's a human response to make things sound worse to actually recieve more pity. However receiving a solution is better than any pity or condolences people might send your way.

I think it might be best if you actually call Nana regularly and have an old fashioned phone call with her. Even though she is using the computer to keep in touch, this new technology is pretty new in her life as it is in mine as it wasn't around when I was a kid, not until after I married. So make her feel special by calling her, by phone, not texting, but letting her hear your voice. I don't know if you've done any of what I will say as you only complained of how you feel, but you have to own your own feelings. No one can really make or force you to feel a certain way, it is how you take in and react to outside circumstances and situations that guide your thoughts a certain way and then your emotions follow, either happy ones, sad, mad or disappointed. I assume you drive due to your age. Why not plan a time alone with Nana to take her to lunch. Don't come out and tell her you feel she likes the cousins better than you. Spend time with her and try to build a closer relationship simply by spending more individual time with her rather than in a bigger family gathering. I used to be more shy, quiet and with social anxiety, though it didn't affect relationship with any relatives, it did in making friends. I know the more outgoing, boisterous people are going to garner more of others attention, so while it may seem shes ignoring you, she is only having her attention drawn to the certain ones who by their very make up in personality, stand out to her. It may be an overlook on her part and she is not aware of it, nor does she mean to pass you over or not acknowledge you. I am a Mom and even with children, the ones that tugged on my clothes, got in my face or cried or yelled the loudest got more of my attention at that moment in time, but not always. It may be something like this. I have heard from kids who felt ignored by their own parents simply because they were too quiet and nothing in their expression or demeanor gave any clue to a parent that they felt as they did. I know I did this as a kid. I thought somehow that surely the parents could read my mind and know how I felt. The truth is some of us are so good at acting like everything is okay that others have no clue. That happened to me when my oldest daughter became depressed as a teen and I had no clue though I gave individual time daily to each child, taking time to connect and find out what was on their minds. And I was the Mom they could confide in about anything, even sex and boys and nothing would make me freak out, just give them the best guidance I could through whatever it was. This daughter knew it and told me everything else that bothered her at times, except this one thing.

So I am telling you there is a chance your Nana has no idea. You don't want to instantly hurt her feelling telling her you feel ignored. Try to fish for information first and see how it goes. If nothing improves, then bring up any facts that will clearly prove your point. And if you have to share these facts, write them down and share them in a calm voice, without anger. She will pick up the emotions easier than the words you are saying so tell yourself, you are only taking the time to teach Nana about something she may not be aware of if it comes to this.

Now heres what I suggest. Go visit her only when she can't be distracted by the more extroverted cousins. First ask about her, how she's doing. Then mention you saw her post about your cousin getting the job at Mc Donalds and how that is a wonderful thing. Then act as if this is news she hasn't heard before. 'Hey did you know I got a job too?" Wait to see if she does know or not. Maybe her memory is faulty. If so, pretend this is the first time telling her. Then tell her about it. She may not post it but now she knows. Talk about other stuff, maybe from your life. Then after a while sneak in this question. "Hey I had a strange question pop into my mind. I was wondering if any of your grandchildren, me included, remind you of yourself when you were young or someone you used to know? If she asks why, you say, I don't know, just an odd thought that came to me. Then listen to what she says because it may reveal some things to you. It may not. But she may be reminded of a sister who has passed on or a cousin is exactly like her best friend when they were kids, or her own Mom. You never know. Maybe no one reminds her of anyone. After your visit, make sure to call her regularly. If you are the type who likes to write or cronical things, then spend time asking about her life and to tell stories of what her childhood was like. Older people have clearer memories of the past than recent events. I don't know why but it is happening to me too. YOu can listen and write it all down or record her telling her stories over time. When you pay her attention, she will react as most humans do, the person they feel is the most interesting to talk to is the one who asks them about theirselves and is a good listener. Its true hon. Do what you can to spend time with her as you don't know how long you will have her around. As you spend time with her, on the phone and sometimes in person if possible, share any events from your life that are significant to you. Like maybe a successful date, a new friend you've made, a new hobby you just took up, etc. See if she remembers any of this. Just ask next time, Hey Nana, do you remember what I shared with you last time? And see if she does. Ask her if its just short term memory issues as she's getting older? It may simply be that. But I think all this may help because that saying "To make a friend, be a friend first" is pretty true. Someone has to make the first move and most people wont for some reason or another. So start spending the time befriending Nana and see what happens. If there are still issues, you may write me again in the future. Just remind me of your situation so I remember you and let me know how its going and perhaps there is something else I can share to see if we can help things go better. Blesssings to you dear.

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What do I do? I'm married with two children and I no longer love my husband. We've been married for ten years and he is a soldier and is always gone. He doesn't acknowledge my feelings or needs. I want a divorce but with the financial situation, it would not be best at this time. I seek attention from other guys on the Whisper app but when it comes to the point they want to meet up I chicken out and ghost them. Can anyone give me advice?

The first thing to do is tell him that you are not happy and you believe that you may have fallen out of love with him so to be sure you've done everything to make this work, you need to give him the chance to agree to go to marriage counseling. There are people who marry assuming the excitement they feel is really love but instead it is a heightened sense of excitement over a new relationship or the new stage (marriage) in a relationship. It is called NRE New Relationship energy. If this was the case with you, it wouldn't have taken 10 years or even 2 years to feel it wear off and thus one or both of you feeling no longer in love. So the point I am making is that your scenerio does not sound like a mismatch at the beginning, as those are the types where I explain that it is a mismatch and there is no way to make it right. You sound like your situation evolved over the years and so it your case, it is best to air out both your concerns and have a neutral party like a trained counselor to pinpoint what they professionally see as the true issue and with recommendations as to how to resolve them. If one or both or you are then not willing to change what must be changed or is not able to for whatever reasons, then the next step is divorce and the two of you would have to agree and do it. I left a husband of 30 years who was verbally abusive the entire time. My faith in God saved me from losing my mind/mental health to the situation but it still took its toll on my body, The stress of a bad marriage will affect you one way or the other. Also, it is better for children to see both parents happier apart and maybe with new partners than together or as in your case, not together enough and still acting as if not together when together and worse. Kids learn from imitating the parents and they watch how relationships go and the first and closest one for them to watch is the parents. My three girls are late 20s and early 30s and I can see how messed up they are as far as picking good men for husbands and one won't get married, wanting to stay in control rather than share equal power in a relationship, she doesn't trust men because of her Dad. I wish I could do it over again. I'd leave sooner than waiting til they were old enough to move out on their own.

I stress doing all that you must to make sure you've done everything possible to try to make thing work with the husband. I did but he was the one dragging his feet and even though seeing a counselor, he said consistantly that he did not have any problems and wasn't causing any.
I say this because it is important for your peace of mind so you can easily move on without guilt and when the kids are older, they can know that you did everything that could be done. You don't want to look like the bad guy to your kids. Because my ex wasn't treating me in a way that was like making love deposits into my heart, like a bank account, eventually, me love for him ran out. That did not mean I could not love him again if he started from scratch and did the right things to keep building the love deposits to your heart. I hope you understand what I am saying. I read this somewhere and it made sense and helped me understand my situation more when I decided to leave him. You asked for advice and it could be taken several ways, advice on how to get a divorce, what to do to avoid a divorce, how to rekindle love for him and how to go about internet dating. I can help with advice on internet dating as that is how I found my 2nd husband and I know how easy it is to chicken out if you don't have some knowledge and plans in hand before doing so.k But first, you need to realize you wont' feel truly free to respond to guys unless you know in your heart you have done everything and given your husband every chance to make this right.

I understand you said you no longer love him. But as I explained, what I read tells me that it isn't your fault but his that you don't love him. He had to be treating you in a way that you need to be treated to feel loved. As far as I know right now, it may simply be a lack of him doing things that you recognize as loving things as deposits into your heart and never allowing that account to end up empty as it is now. So just because you don't feel it now doesn't mean it can be changed.
If the issue is the lack of time with you due to his job, that is an issue for many couples where one is in the military. Some can handle it if the love is still there but it is much harder for the spouse in service to do the right things to make their spouse feel loved. They have to work a heck of a lot harder at it than the average person. So it may come down to the counselor helping him with this and him willing to stay in touch with and email the counselor for ideas to help him along the way. So bring this all up with hubby and when he is on leave again, see if he's willing to do couple counseling. When you know for sure that there is no saving this marriage because the both of you are at odds with not being able to change what are some of the issues or not willing to, then if ready to get out there and date, then let me know again and I will take you through everything I learned by doing the same and some of it, stuff i heard from God that sure helped my situation along. Don't worry, I am not a zealous Christian out to convert people, just saying that What I heard was some of the best things that helped me to go through the part of divorce and getting myself out there. I do like the internet dating, depending on the way it is used, some only offer photos you vote on and that is not a serious way to find a partner. If it comes to it, you and I will need to write back and forth many times as there is so much I feel important to share with you that if you think this response is long, every time I share something with you, it will be as long and many 5 times until you have all the info you need unless you need clarifications and there may be more. So write me again if it comes down to this, having to leave him and get back out there. My kids were grown and yours are young but I believe there are still men who may have a child, are widowers, love marriage and want to fall in love again and willing to blend families, so don't let anything like that concern you now. Just focus on what I've said. If you've already done the counseling thing and he's given up or not willing to work with you to re build your love for him, then let me know. If you write to me, WARNING . . . do not write a comment in the space where you evaluate this answer of mine because there is no way for me to answer it, I can only read it. You have to go to Browse Columnists, look for me Dragonflymagic and click the button to post a question from my column. Since this is all anonymous and I don't know who anyone is, nor if I've talked to them before, it would be helpful if you mention something of your previous question or use a phrase that will clue me in that it is you again, like unloved Army wife. I hope that you will have peace and eventual happiness, no matter which way this all turns out. Blessings to you
t

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My girlfriend passed away last year and I can't move on. I need suggestions? Thank you.

Do you feel you need to move on yet, or would you rather grieve longer. You don't have to answer me, just ask yourself and answer truthfully. When there is loss to death, people all take different amounts of time to grieve, months, a year, a couple years, maybe 5 years. But it shouldn't be life long. What I mean is that you don't forget them and have happy memories that won't bring you pain. My mom has been gone 2 decades and there is no pain with the memories, only happy ones. If I see someone who looks alot like her, I might get tears in my eyes but it isn't painful, just tears of happiness to see a face that looks so much like her. Of course you'll miss her but you are alive and life goes on.

If you feel ready to move on then its time to make some lists. She was your girlfriend for a reason. There were certain things you liked about her. Write those down as qualities you are looking for in the next woman. If by chance this wasn't a couple relationship and you were two hetero girlfriends, you still want to find someone for a friend with the same qualities you admired in her. The new person will have their differeneces, in hobbies and food, music, etc they like but their general makeup would be what ever you look for, like someone trustworthy, kind, happy with positive outlooks, funny, etc. If this was a couple relationship, then besides the friendship there was romance. Both are needed in a successfull couple relationship so be sure to not stay with someone permanently who is only a best friend but not your romantic sexual compatible partner, or stay with someone who is that perfect sexual partner but thats all you have in common as you are not treating each other like friends and fight like enemies outside of the bed. And that is what a great majority of couples have, just one of the two important foundations to a relationship.
If thoughts of her fill your mind so you can't concentrate on daily tasks, you need to work on your mind to be able to move on.

I will share a bit of psychology to explain how this works and what is specifically holding most people back. You know you have a conscious mind while awake and a subconscious mind while asleep but did you know your subconscious mind is awake and aware and has specific tasks to do while you are awake such as making sure you blink your eyes and take your next breath without having to think of it. The Subconscious mind (SM) takes on a bigger role than just that. Unfortunately it also in many cases has the reasoning of a child. It wants to see you happy and will do anything that it thinks will make you happy, including filling your mind with images and memories of your girlfriend you lost. It seems to think that what you focus on, no matter what the reason, means that thinking of her makes you happy and the SM wants to make you happy. So you have to talk to it as if it were another person inside of you and let it know exactly what you wish and how it is perceiving things wrong. I know this sounds silly but I have always talked to myself from childhood on. So its that simple, like talking aloud to yourself when alone, or silently in your mind. It is a battle to break the habit of your SM the first couple days. No sooner have you said to it, "SHe has passed on. I need to move on so I need you to stop bringing her up in my memory because it is not making me feel better, only worse. Stop it right now!" than you find a minute or two later her face coming to mind or a memory. Don't ignore this but repeat what you said again. Maybe 5 minutes go by and then it happens again. It can go in all day like this so you feel exhausted by the end of the day. I know as I did this when someone left me and I needed to get over them too and I used this method but the first couple days, I was surprised to see when being conscious of my every thought, I saw how often my SM brought him back up. It can be frustrating and tiring like working with a young unruly child but you must keep at it. Besides properly going through grieving and not getting stuck on one point, this is the only other thing I know from trying it, that really worked. If you feel you haven't grieved properly and are stuck in one of the stages of Grief, then perhaps picking up a book on the stages of grief and how to go through it properly will help you. A friend at work loaned me her book when my Mom died. I was amazed at how true it was about the stages of grief and the order in which they appeared in your life. There are warnings against getting stuck in one stage and not completing grief properly. A person still dealing with disbelief might exhibit strange ways of living their life. One woman became a hoarder because she wanted to feel happy again and felt buying herself lots of crap was going to make her feel happy again. People can act in strange ways if they get stuck in one of the stages of grieving. I hope this helps you.
t

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So I’ve been in a relationship for 5 years and my girlfriend is pressuring me with getting married. The issue is her sex drive is pretty low (We’re in our mid 20’s) and we only have sex once a week sometimes once every two and I feel like she only does it to keep me happy on routine. I’m afraid that once we get married this will get worse to the point I will be unsatisfied. I’ve brought this issue to her attention multiple times and it just ends up with her crying. It’s been over 2 years with this issue so I have given it some time. We get along really well and rarely fight but this one issue really concerns me. What should I do?

I am so glad you wrote in about this. I married at age 20 was a virgin as the church expected so I knew nothing about whether the hubby and I were compatible. We were not. But then we're also taught in churches that God frowns on divorces. Which I see now as BS but I wasn't thinking for myself at the time. So he ended up the one with a low sex drive while I had the higher one. He never looked at me with desire. It was a once a week or once every 2 weeks thing but only on a Friday or Saturday night because he didn't have to work the next day. He refused me many times saying he worked the next morning and wanted his sleep. Oh boy, he wanted sleep way more than he wanted me. Actually to not give the wrong impression, I am not saying it is a bad thing to have a low libido, its just that some have it some don't. What is more important is for a person of low sex drive to be with someone for life, who is also a low sex drive. And if you have a high sex drive, then you need to find someone who has one too.

Now I will share something that happens to women who are not sexually loved by a man properly or are with the wrong parnter sexually, their sex drive will fall asleep. It doesn't mean it will stay that way. A woman can meet the right man later in life who is able to awaken her sex drive, and once it reawakened, then its a matter of determining if she has a high or low sex drive.

I can't stress how important this is to a long term/life long relationship. With being with her 5 years, I assume not only have you not proceeded to marriage because something bothered you and didn't feel right but you are the kind of man who does want to find the right person to be with life long. I can understand why you haven't felt sure enough to do so.
I tell many that a solid foundation is important to having a happy successful rewarding marriage or life long partner without the certificate. It is composed of only two main things. One is being each others best friend and the other is being sexual equals. When there is no romance or sex in a relationship, all you're left with is a great friendship. So the romance and sexual chemistry is the only real difference between being friends or more than friend, like lovers and mates for life.

The bad news, is that people are not able to try hard enough to change their libido. They are stuck with what they were born with. NOw you understand why she ends up crying when you bring it up as the way she is, is normal for her, but she doesn' realize yet that she is not a good match for you and it shouldn't have taken 5 years to get to this point of realizing it. I am therefore guessing that other than the sexual half of the foundation, she is great as a best friend and you love everything else about her.
If you really want to give it another try, then you two may want to go to a counselor. I would say to have her read my response, even if you fear she may get upset that you wrote for advice on this. I know it may feel embarrassing to her but it is a valid issue and you are as anonymous to me as my true identity is to you. If she needs to hear from an expert on what the problem is and whether there is a solution or none, then she can go with you to counseling. But usually only married couples do that to save a marriage, not couples who are not married to each other.

It is really sad but the majority of friends and relationship I watch around me are couples with only one of the two parts of the foundation. Those who hit it off enjoying sex and get married without being each others best friend, end up only not fighting when in bed together, otherwise they treat each other like crap and argue all the time. Then of course theres the best friends married but have no enjoyable healthy sex life to speak of. One or both partners may resent not getting what they want in sex and after a while go looking for sex outside the relationship, not because they don't love each other. I met a man like this which confirmed, he loved his wife and could not dream of ever leaving her, she was his best friend. But it wasn't a romantic love so other than sex to give him kids, she stopped having sex with him after a while. He was asking if I'd be open to being his sex partner on the side. I said no as I was looking for a man to marry. I was divorced. And I found someone right for me. The first few days, we connected as friends and found we had so much in common and thought about many things the same way. All that was left was to discover if things would be okay sexually as well. We both talked of our past issues, partners who did not have the same high libido as ourselves and we proved to each other that we loved it. After not feeling loved, cherished and wanted by my ex, I welcomed any little bits of attention and he as well, so its not just great sex but saying I love every day and lots of loving touches or kisses throughout the day until we have time in bed at night. He says in his younger days he'd want a couple times a day. We are both around 60 and for us its every day if not every other day, simply because one of us is truly exhausted or not feeling well. Imagine having a partner who instead of recieving a store bought gift, prefers to recieve some special loving for birthdays, anniversaries, etc. If you both are 25, there is plenty of time to find the perfect partner to marry. She will be hurt worse by staying with you and even though you may be an honorable man, one can go only so long without sex before any invitation is too hard to turn down and you find you've just cheated on someone who is not the right sexual match for you in the first place.

It is good you got me answering because if someone answering thought once a week was fair or too extreme, then you wouldn't have the information you need to decide whether you will stay with her or leave. As I said she is crying already now because of the sex issue. She will cry if you state you have finally realized that the two of you are different in ways that can't be fixed by grim determination and need to part ways. She will also cry if married to you and the pressure keeps building and you keep asking for or forcing the sex issue. She will also cry if you are so unsatisfied you end up finding a sex partner outside the marriage. Many live an entire life having one person as their best friend to talk to and a totally different person as their lover. The goal should be to find both in one person. reality is that she is not and you are are not for her either. The best thing to do is take the good points of what you like about each other and try to find that or better in the next person you date and also someone who is actually the perfect sexual match. Even if the libidos match, one then has to consider how playful and imaginative each is so that matches, or other things like even oral sex. My ex did not like that at all, didn't like working on me and I never had an orgasm with him in 30 years but I have with my current husband. I'd hate to see you go through the misery of a bad marriage only to divorce after there are likely a kid or two in existence. Children need to grow up seeing parents who love each other, kiss and are always giving each other loving touches and do not raise their voice to each other. My girls did not see that growing up and I see now that they are adults how it has made a terrible impact on them. this is very important now because your mismatch in marriage partner is affecting other lives, of children.
So in ending, either you decide to break it off or see if she will agree to go see a counselor. I already can tell you one thing they will likely ask as I went to one myself. Is there any way the two of you could compromise on this? If you are realistic, that means you have to get along on less than what you wish and she will have to give you more than you wish. I do not see this as a solution because of resentment. This situation may work a short while but in the long both partners end up resenting each other, having bad feelings because one has to give more and one has to take less. The resentment alone can break up a relationship.

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So i recently reconnected with a guy I knew ten years ago through mutual friends. Immediately there was spark. Good connection, good conversation, comfort in being yourself without fear of judgement. Just easy. It moved fast, I won't deny that. And in the beginning he expressed that while he had been on many dates since his divorce (April), he was gun shy. I took his lead, trying to give him the pace that he needed. But he seemed very much into it. In fact he was spear heading the pace, and us. Though for those first few weeks he acted the complete opposite of gun shy. We talked all day every day, we saw each other most days as well. He would say things like "is it too soon to see a future with you" or "I could see myself falling in love with you", all that kind of stuff. Very sweet, very lovey-dovey, very open about emotions.

Fast forward two weeks to when he became "overwhelmed". We didn't see each other for a week, I am an anxious agonizer. It was a rough week for me. When I did see him he expressed he had been just as unhappy and that seeing me was the highlight of his week. That he does want to be with me, that none of the things he said were lies. But he's just not sure he's ready, that he is afraid to get hurt. Though also admitting he thinks he could have overthought it to the point were he wasn't even sure he isn't ready. When I expressed frustration because he had given me one impression only to rip the rug out, and that I didn't know how to be just his friend. He asked "can you just give me a little time? for all I know I'll come home this weekend and just know I should go for it". He woke me up three times that night whispering in my ear that he's sorry he hurt me, and that he truly does like me. When were together it's just like it's always been. When were apart is when it's off.

He was at a bachelor party over the weekend, was sweet and asked if I missed him and was thinking of him, and when I said yes he said the feeling was mutual. When I message him sweet things now he mostly just doesn't acknowledge it (I've stopped now) and I know I can't expect him to say it back now. When we talked about it "he didn't want to give me false impressions".

Last night I saw him again for the first time in the last week. I was pleasant, but more distance and less affectionate than normal. He noticed and brought it up. I said it was just confusing for me, to have him be so affectionate with me and so distant when we weren't together. He asked if I just thought no contact would be better, that makes me very sad so I said no.

The night was great, as always. He told me that I do things to him and he does like me and he really does miss me. Just cause he can't offer me anything right now doesn't mean those things aren't true. He said something like he wished he didn't like me, because it would be easier.

We were talking and he's like see you think you're the only one who thinks too much and I said the I don't let it run me thing and he responded by saying he does and kissed me on the forehead. I get being scared, I'm not knocking that. But the inconsistency is very hard.

I don't know how to act. How do you distance yourself to protect yourself in case he doesn't choose you in the end, but still remain hopeful and best enjoy the time you get to spend together. Feeling like were "together" when were together, the picture of the "false impression" he's afraid of giving me; and the distance and confusion of being apart. I think there's great potential here, and I think he does too. But I've become very discouraged and unsure how to act or feel. I've never had a guy "need time" but actually stick around. Usually the "need time" is just an excuse to leave and soften the blow of it.

I have no idea his age as that may have an impact on why he is acting this way. If you knew each other 10 years ago but were age 10, then he's 20 now. If in HS, then in late twenties now and so forth. I have actually gone through this scenerio with a guy but he was 50 and I was late 40s. With more life experience and the later in life part, its not unheard of that guys might handle this differently, especially if your male friend is anywhere from mid thirties to younger and not ready to settle down and marry. Like you, the guy I met after a divorce met me first at a Starbucks. From there we went to dinner a few days later. Then I was invited to his house where we talked into the few hours of the morning and he asked me to come back the next day later after we'd caught up on sleep. We saw each other almost everyday not because I was demanding it but because he kept asking me and I liked him enough to want to be with him. He'd been married once decades ago and had not dated since and had never thought about having a serious relationship with a female since then. I was more recently divorced and met him in the area my sister lived because I was staying with her after a divorce.
One day after a couple weeks of not being able to stay away from me and things and feelings developing out of hand fast, it freaked him out. Of course he is older so he wanted time away from seeing me and said he needed some time, and asked that we not meet or even call for a week. I said okay and was honoring that. After about 4 days, he had had enough time to think about the situation of the whirlwind romance and decided he was okay with it and being older, wanted to enjoy what life brought his way without feeling nervous or unsettled simply because it works so great so fast. So he called while I was at work and left a message asking me to call. So at lunch break, I called him and the first thing he said was thank you for calling, I was afraid you wouldn't because you might be angry. He asked if I would come straight to his place after work as he wanted to explain why he was cutting this week break short.

When I arrived he explained that he had thought a lot about the situation, not just how he felt when with me but how fast things were going. I agreed the relationship took off very fast too. He confessed it had scared him because he had not given anything like that a thought and hadn't dated in a long time and simply had not thought ahead of whether he even wanted something like this, hadn't had any special wishes or plans in mind. But he found that he missed me very much and didn't want to wait until the next weekend so he was thankful I had called him back and was so understanding. He wasn't looking to marry at his age, just have a long term girlfriend. I believe that men who haven't thought ahead to whether they are ready for something serious, can get pretty unsettled in their minds when that actually falls into their lap unexpectedly. Your boyfriend did the typical male thing of asking for more time or a break, however i am thinking that perhaps like the guy I was with, he hasn't taken time to really think through the logistics like my guy did. Like does he even want something serious? Does he want only a girlfriend for social dating or if he ready to look for a woman to marry? And so on. For him to be flipping back and forth as to being on again, off again with you, that makes me think he hasn't given this enough thought. He would be able to make a decision and feel settled and content if he gave some real thinking into the situation, not just thinking about how much he likes you and misses you. That will never help him feel reassured if he isn't thinking more. So you may have to prompt him to do so and be okay with if he decides this isn't what he wants, something so perfect and serious. Women easily overthink things but often some men don't think enough and could do with exploring a bit of more in depth thinking on a subject and all possible outcomes and whether they are comfortable with that or not. So Try to get him talking not about his feelings for you but the feelings of the situation.
I agree its odd for him to say he needs time, but then hang around. And yes, sometimes its an excuse to distance oneself before leaving for good.
I don't feel thats the case with him. He simply hasn't thought through this all. So think of it as you being a counselor and asking him questions to direct him into really thinking about what his actual issues here are in the first place. Until he faces those and thinks through them and realizes he really does have issues and is not ready for a serious relationship, or he is ready but was scared at how suddenly it happened, he will keep being inconsistent. If he doesn't work with you and take time to really give thought to what his issues really are here, then you may have to tell him you need a man who has decided he is ready for a relationship, or if wanting to marry you say, a man who is looking for the right woman to marry. If he can't or won't work through it and is on again off again with you, then you might leave him for something more sure. In the mean while, while he is deciding what he wants or not, you are going to get out there and date socially. If by chance you meet someone perfect before he has decided he is in this with you for ever, then he may lose you. YOU know there is great potential with him but if he isn't willing to look deep within and come to grips with and identify what it is he is scared of, then you won't wait and unknown amount of time for him or wait forever.
Sometimes, just leaving for a while is enough for a guy to finally get serious and really give this some deep thought. And sometimes, he would rather let you go than face his feelings or fears. I know it can hurt to make that move, as I've done it on another occasion and he decided not to come after me. In the end, I am glad looking back not because I wouldn't have been single to meet the man I married, my 2nd husband.

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I slept with a friend last week. We are both kind of into each other. I knew I wasn't into him enough to be sleeping with him but its been a while and he assured me he wouldn't be weird about it.

So we did it and it was amazing sex but now I feel like I sort of got it out of my system and want to go back to just being friends (I know I know it sounds bad). We are part of a larger group of friends and one friend even asked me not to mess around with him unless Im serious so I don't mess up our group. Although it wasn't a wise choice I don't really regret it I just don't think it should happen again and really don't want anyone to find out about it. How to I tell him that was fun but we shouldn't do that again? P.S. it was pretty kinky sex which kind of makes it worse cause now we know A LOT about each other.

Most of the battle here is in your mind and how you are thinking about it. The only sentence I think I may not understand what you meant by is "We are both kind of into each other." That doesnt' sound like strictly friends. But either way, if both of you talked beforehand and agreed this was only about having sex and that there was no way you'd end up a dating couple, then you did right and don't have to say anything at all.

In case you don't know or are confused on the following, I want to go over the differences
between friends, friends with benefits and romantic couple as lovers.

The only difference between friends and a romantic couple is the romantic feelings for each other. I have to call it chemistry. If this chemistry is missing then there's only friendship and no sexual attraction. A happy stable romantic relationship isn't just about the romance and sex but the other half of the equation, a deep best friend connection as well. So now the question is 'what is the difference between a friend and friend with benefits. Not much. As you stated , you felt there wasn't enough connection to be sleeping with him, and you almost have that right, but I can explain that better. Say on a scale on one to five with one being friends and zero sexual attraction to 5 being the strength of attraction needed for a long term commitment or marriage, then a friend with benefits falls somewhere between like a 3, not enough to be a romantic couple, but actually enough to have sex. Without a little bit of chemistry, kissing a guy would feel gross like getting a romantic kiss from a male relative, Dad, brother, grandpa, etc. My face gets a grossed look every time I simply have to write that. Now I will tell you a story that hopefully explains this. When I left my ex and was living with a sister out of state, I happened to make friends with a school teacher just moved to the state and had no friends in the area yet. He was closer to my kids ages and I was late forties. So I felt the generation gap and couldn't have a meeting of minds, however in chatting he discovered we both play guitar and he was the first other musician type I met so we'd meet to play together. Eventually he proposed we become sexual and at first I said no but by now it had been a long time since I'd had sex and I had no boyfriend yet so as friends, we agreed it would be only for the sex. See, I feel comfortable enough and not grossed out so I knew there was a little chemistry, enough for sex but not enough for me to fall in love with him. this I assume is what you are feeling. As long as both are agreed going in, then there is no problem with having sex with a friend or repeating it until you have a permanent lover of choice in the picture at which point you say that the sex has to stop now that you've found someone. In fact, that is what happened a little over 2 months later. I met a guy who became a boyfriend while at the same time he met a gal his age and they began dating. He called me frantic because she wanted to meet me, his friend, not knowing about the benefits part and he asked if I wouldn't mention that as he knew she was a jealous type and didn't want to take the chance of messing it up. Later in the year, I traveled to stay with a daughter having a baby and even though he was dating and we were open about this having been only as friends and it couldn't be more, he had begun to have stronger feelings for me which he confessed in a way when he heard I was leaving to go stay with my daughter. I said something about him looking so gloomy and not happy for me to which he answered, You should know why. I can't be happy because I really want you in my life forever and can see myself with you til the day I die. That surprised me as he had not said anything along the way and was dating. I did leave and kept in touch a while. Some time later, he posted photos of a wedding where he married a woman also older than him. The reason I tell you this is that both of you had an agreement including his saying he wouldn't be weird about it. While not specifically stating this was only about sex and still wanting to be friends regardless, it is something.
the only thing I want you to ask yourself is if you are not considering him for a boyfriend simply because he is a friend? Many great relationships start out as best of friends and evolve into the romance shortly after. So you need to decide if he is more of an acquaintence, a casual friend or like one of your closest best friends. If he is close best friend, and the sex was amazing as you stated, then its a good recipe for a dating romantic relationship and you should not feel bad it started as friends. Many couples end up married who only have the sex or are best of friends but don't have the other half of what is important to a happy relationship.
On an aside, If you want to tell him you shouldn't do this again, males think fairly logically so He will need a solid logical reason why. So you need to search your mind for why you have a problem with this. If you feel things weren't explained clear enough before the sex, its not too late to tell him if he asks to meet you again soon for sleeping with him. If you know for sure the chemistry isn't strong enough for a romantic relationship, in which case the sex can be good but doesnt rock your soul, then you need to be clear that you don't feel strong enough romantic chemistry for a life long committed relationship or dating relationship but enough to make it work just for sex only with a friend. Restate that you only consider him a friend with benefits with no chance of that changing. So is he okay with that arrangement. If he is then go for it and have fun again. You can ask him to not reveal it to your friends but just by watching you both interact in the group, one or two may see that something has changed and guess correctly. One friend already has proved to be fairly alert to the nuances of what is going on between you two as far as some attraction. It isn't anyone elses call to say whether you can have sex or not even if not serious about the person for a long term/life long relationship. That decision is just between you two. If he agrees but sometime down the road falls for you and wants you as more than friend, as a wife perhaps, then you have to let him know that nothing has changed for you. It is up to each individual to let the other know if true feelings come into the picture as it is awkward for the one with feelings to hide it but also awkward for the other to know now how the other has felt for some time but not said anything. You could along the way periodically ask him if anything has changed in how he feels about you as whoever has feelings is not likely to want to share and spoil the relationship. As I said, the younger man fell for me but we couldn't go back to being just friends, even on social media. And I was no longer in his area to keep in touch. He eventually dropped me as a friend on line after a few months and I haven't heard of him since. So worst case scenerio hon, even with just the one time, since you can't erase that as never having happened, if he keeps thinking along the lines of how much he wants you in his life forever and developes feelings for you that you don't want to reciprocate, then most likely you will lose him as a friends because trying to pretend there's nothing up, won't work and the friendship will break up with one or the other of you leaving the group. Yes, that is a strong enough reason to compel a person to do such a thing and not see even their other friends. Since it's already in the past and has happened, even just once, this is your worst case scenerio. However, it may not happen. If it does and it's you instead with the feelings, don't be shy, you know the worst is leaving the group. But if he is keeping silent but has the same feelings, then you two get together as a couple. If you don't say anything, you may go your whole life wondering if his mind changed too from feeling you were a friend to more than a friend.

This is very possible dear. Some folks meet and its hot attraction and feelings for both right from the start. Others start as a little ember and it slowly grows hotter until it becomes a flaming love and it is no different than the one that was felt by others in the beginning. HOw one gets there, to feeling love is not what makes that love more valid.

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So I’m confused as to whether or not this guy likes me. I feel like I get mixed signals. Anyway, so here’s the situation. We both go to the same college and met through a mutual friend who gave us each other’s Snapchat’s so we started off as kinda pen pals I guess. We officially met at a football game since we are both senators for SGA and had to be in the same general area. We started hanging out a lot because we both got together to work on a room for the haunted house that was being set up, and from there, started having lunch together, sitting for hours talking, and eventually began going on walks around the lake at night talking about religion, family, school, etc. Now it’s gone from us going off campus just staying in the backseat of my vehicle watching movies on his laptop we have propped up or talk for hours. We start off sitting next to each other, but by then end, I’m leaning up against him and he has his arm around me with his hand holding my arm. We basically end up in a cuddling position. I might play with his hair and he might hold my hand since mine are always cold and his are always warm. Our mutual friend says he thinks he likes me and apparently they’ve talked about me, but he’s always said he doesn’t think I could handle him (he’s very hyper). That’s part of what makes me confused as to whether he likes me or not. He’s also made some comments about how he feels like I’m changing him for the better even though we aren’t talking in that way (we were talking about someone else before). A few comments about how we’re not dating or talking even though we act like a couple. It’s confusing. Even his best friend before made a comment about how we go out on our little dates. And relating to something else, he said before he’d hope we’d be happy if we were a couple. He also seems to think he’s not good enough for relationships and brings himself down a lot because of how he grew up, his past and family situation. I want to find out for sure, but how do I do that? To be honest, I want more than anything to kiss him or for him to kiss me. He goes on for a long time about religion and family and that Just makes me so drawn to him because of how passionate he is about it. What do I do without directly asking him?

This is the way a lasting romantic relationship should start, with being friends first, and spending plenty of time talking and learning everything about each other. In what we learn, if we find we admire the other, are very impressed and find that even the simple little things are more special simply because we are together, like hubby and I running simple errands together, then you know you have a good chance of there being something special. the Only thing different from a great friendship and a romantic relationship is the sexual attraction, therefore the kissing, and sex. If you couldn't handle him because he was hyper then in two months time, you should have known if you can or can't handle him. I say two months because if someone is trying to hide something about themselves they fear others won't like, then the fake persona they take on uses too much personal energy to keep up the pretense so a person tires of it and lets the mask fall so to speak after a few weeks to two months if being seen quite often. My second husband told me later that a few women including his ex, told him he was too intense of a person, that they couldn't handle it or it irritated them. I am intense by birth sign as a Scorpio so to me, he was heaven sent instead of a wimpy milk-toast of a guy as many came across. He needs to get past fear of you not being able to handle him cus what if you can. Its best to find out now so you both know if you remain friends, distant friends, or if there is mutual romantic attraction, then you explore dating. the word like can go for friends or more than friends. So I can say with all the time he chooses to spend with you, he already likes you, at least as a friend. And yes, male female friends can flirt simply for honing up their skills on someone who will be understanding and to whom it means nothing, or they can hug and cuddle and put their arms around each other. Perhaps the hyper he refers to is ADD and he feels defective because of it. If it bothered you being in the presence too often of someone hyper active, you'd know it by now. I know such a woman around my age. We're helping her as shes a recent widow and just met and shes a bit naive but totally so hyper active in her speech that I can take only short bits of time around her, like an hour or so, not half a day. Ask him if he thinks that since you do well as friends that you'd do the same or better as More than friends. He may be truthful but if he is embarassed, trying to hide, you may just have to kiss him and tell him you like him hyper.

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I had a counselor at Texas workforce comission for the WIOA program. They put you through training and help get jobs. My counselor did some things behind my back, like contacting my distant family members and spreading false information about me. She did tell Some of my personal business people and acted overall very unprofessional. When I confronted her about it, she got an attitude with me. I would call her to tell her that I had a bad day and she would contact my family members and a former counselor repeating to them everything that I told her. She got me a job, but told my supervisor negative things about my life to make them feel sorry and hire me out of pity. That supervisor on the job even said she did. She caused drama in my family by contacting them and a former counselor and discussing whatever I told her or whatever I did in the program. I really don't think shes supposed to do this. She tried to justify starting drama in my life by telling her boss that I'm a negative, horrible person and my family told her bad things about me which she repeated to her boss/coworkers.

She basically went behind my back to contact my family members/get in the middle of my family drama. She told my family everything I said to her in her office, which caused drama. She also told employers about my living situation and my family situation. They criticized me based on that. Most of these things I never told her, she got the info from contacting my former counselor and my family members. She acted unproffessional and tried to make me look like a horrible person. I feel like she has crossed the line and broken my trust. 

Didn't she break confidentiality or something? I'm so annoyed. Is there any way I can report her?

If she is truly a counselor, then she is indeed breaking Dr/Patient confidentiality. If she was merely pretending to be one and doesn't have the credentials, then she is in legal trouble for pretending to be one. YOu need to contact a lawyer and find out how to proceed.

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how long does it take for leg hair to grow back on a 15 year old boy

Probably about the same amount of time it takes hair to grow back on a mans face. I am female and never shaved my legs as the hair was a light color to begin with. I know gals who shaved regularly, like every other day to catch the new stubble growth. I got a chance to trade massages for a massage. Wearing bathing suit and it was to be a massage of neck and shoulders, arms or legs. I was massaging the legs of a forty something woman who felt like she had the sharp pokey stubble of a mans beard appearing like the 'five o clock shadow' on her legs. It was very rough and very unpleasant. I read up on it and for many, the hair can toughen up and grow faster and come in thicker and there you have it, not the best way to go.
If your hair is fair in color, you may think about not even starting a shaving regime. Oh, its no problem now but in 10 or more years, what will the stubble on your legs be like. If you are doing this because you are gay or transgender and wish to be rid of darker hair on the legs, I have a suggestion. Laser hair removal. If you can stand the sting of slapping yourself with a rubber band repeatedly, that's about how it feels. It is a big cost to go have it done. Some of the body builders will do this to have a bare chest. Also, men who get repeat ingrown hairs all over their beard area will get the laser hair removal. After some time has gone by, some hair will grow back but not as much as before. So package deals are offered that are cheaper for each of three sessions, the original and two follow up. I'll be frank and share I used it myself when I was younger and as a female having a cycle and hair getting stuck in all that, well it was unpleasant but shaving itched for a week after so I decide on this. I did the two followups and since then any hair that eventually grew back took so much time to do so that I didn't worry about it, it wasn't a problem and the hairs were so much finer. I do not recommend waxing, it is extremely painful and friends told me of how irritated and red and inflamed the skin was with that or the Nair products that kill the hair after you spread an toxic cream on your skin that kills the hair and the hair just sloughs off in the shower. Meanwhile, skin laps up whatever it comes into contact with and you now have some of those poisons in your body and if doing this regulary as hair grows back, you are taking in unneccessary poisons which you may or may not react to.

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Hi ya,

My ex boyfriend saw some pictures on my desk top the other day and asked me if I fancied the boy I was with on the pictures. I said we’re only friends as we are but he sounded curious and asked, do you like this lad? I said no, he’s just a mate, he asked back, how do you know him, I said he was introduced by my friend and he looked at me and asked again, why do you have a pictures of a lad who you only have known for a 2 days, I said I’ve known him for a week, he asked back again (seemed like he was trying to find some answers from me), do you like him, I said nooooo, he’s a good lad and down to earth, he’s a friend, I replied. I mean I know my ex because when we’re dating he was a possessive, jealous and curious boy ever, he used to fire question after question but since we broke up he rarely asked but all of a sudden he saw my pictures with a boy and started to asking things again. I do like when he’s jealous and possessive but when we were in a relationship but as we’re not anymore, I’m wondering, why is he nosy as before? Sounds like he’s jealous but I don’t know because he’s dating a girl and I’m still single and he can’t seem to bear to see me with a boy.

Please help! We’re in our early 20’s.
Appreciate the help!

Why is he sounding jealous, because he is. Jealousy is a fear of losing something. He has already lost you. So what else could he be fearing losing? I don't know how much you have studied alpha males but he is an 'Alpha Male' wanna be. He is not confident in himself as a male and feels threatened by any other male on the planet, or at least, those he sees or comes across in his daily goings about. It's not that it is a threat of a fight, he simply feels that when people, especially women, any women, see him and see the other man, he belives comparisons are being made and he feels he won't be able to stand up to the comparisons and fall far short. This is a self image problem and needs a psychologist to help a person deal with and learn how to overcome. HOwever in many cases, the male with vehemently deny that anything is wrong with him and refuse to go see a professional. So its not just photos on your lap top but if he sees you or his girlfriend talking to another guy, that is already threatening to them. Men like this will push and push hoping the female will crack and tell the stuff he thinks they are hiding from him, that the man he is questioning about is a much better man than him and that they are glad they are no longer with him. Then he can feel righteous in losing his control of his emotions and yell, or belittle you or the other guy or warn you to stay away as that other guy is no good, just trouble, etc. All I can think of to say is that you may want to limit the times you see him or not spend anytime with him at all any more and avoid him because he will do this no matter how much time goes by. Imagine you are engaged to be married. He walks up and starts harassing the guy, making you look bad and telling all sorts of lies just to get the guy to break up with you, not so that he can have you back, not because he is in love with you, but because something is very twisted and wrong in his mind. You can't trust the reasons he gives for anything he says or does when it comes to any male he sees you with. It could be a male cousin visiting he doesn't know about and he'd give you the same drill. Maybe not about photos but he'd want you to give a whole life history on your make cousin so he can try to find some possible bad things according to his perceptions about the guy. Instead of learning how to gain self esteem, people like this won't agree they have a problem so they are driven to find a way to lower everyone else down so it appears they are way above them. Its a competition to be the top guy, the best and most wanted man by all females. I've had run ins with this type of person in my life and thats why I am so familiar with them. Trying to remain friends with him is a mistake. He is not a normal thinking person and won't get help so its best to totally avoid him. If he comes along outdoors, you get up and start leaving. If he follows, make up something, like too bad on the timing, you have somewhere to be. If he asks, You say, you don't need to know, you are no longer my boyfriend. If he says, but friends tells each other. YOu can say, am I being interrogated? I've said all I am going to say. Have a nice day. and walk away, drive away and ignore the tons of questions he will keep tossing at you until he finally realizes you are not going to say anything. We have a former homeless man and there is bad stuff in his background, and this dude pushed his freindship on hubby and I and followed us around looking for our car so he found us if we were out shopping, at a Starbucks, taking a walk at the park, etc. We told him months ago that we no longer want to associate with him. Then one day as we are sitting in our vehicle outside of the pharmacy we go to, next to a store hubby used to work at recently, he comes up to our window. My husband told him to go away. The guy asks why when it was explained to him at least 3 times in details in the past about how he screwed us several times, owed us money and thats just the start of the list. Its like you trying to answer the exs questions about your male mate, he is going to forget the past and focus on only what is making him feel immediately bad about himself and how he doesn't match up against another guy, any guy. So we kept telling him to go away and we didn't drive off because we were waiting to give a ride to a friend getting off work in a half hour. Hubby kept threatening to call the police. Eventually he got on the phone and when the guy saw that, he left in his car. The police told us that there is a law against harassment. If you do not want to see a person or have them constantly try to hunt you down for whatever, then in our state in the US and in our city, a complaint can be filed against him in court. It will cost us money to do so but it will work the same as a restraining order. That unwanted person will be on file in court as harassing if not having threatened or abused the one filing the restraining order. It won't prevent them approaching a second time after the filing is done but police can now legally pick up the guy and haul him in for questioning and if he persists, he will have to spend time in jail. I do not know what laws you have in the country you live in, but from using Mate instead of friend, I doubt its the US. Just check with your local police is he harasses or threatens you and do not choose to be freindly, have him on any social sites, or texting answeres to him or calling. Cut it off. He is no good, even for a friend. Then relax and go on with your life and enjoy.

A parting word since you kinda liked him being jealous and possessive. According to a psychology report,
It's okay to be protective, but jealousy shouldn't be what prompts the protectiveness. Protectiveness is normal otherwise but shouldn't be confused with Possessiveness which is a desire to own another person, making all their decisions for them, wanting to dominate another person so totally that sometimes the victim has no life of their own.

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Hi, I was just wondering if you could clarify something that you said in your answer to my question:

"I would also like to talk on some reasons why you may not yet have attracted any guys. I know because I once was there too. NOw I am the total opposite and can at least tell you right now, that one of the biggest things that will attract males like moths to a flame, is having a great self confidence. In a university study, men were watched to see if they chose beauty over self confidence but although they were initially attracted to the beautiful model types first, they lost interest when those women ended up drama Queens with low self confidence and were attracted to but stayed with the women with self confidence who were average to pretty but not drop dead gorgeous. Even in just making friends, it is a difference. If you want to hear how to go about getting to the point of having a man pursue you or you pursuing him and the guy happy you are, let me know. I also can share something that helped me find my second husband after the divorce. I am so blessed and so in love, and he's my soul mate. This is what women want in a man, a guy who feels exactly the same way about her, blessed, in love and with their soul mate. But there are things you must do first to clarify for yourself what exactly you are looking for in a guy so when you see him or meet him, you go after him. I can explain a scientific reason for unrequitted love. It's when people don't understand this simple thing, they are more upset and start to think there is something wrong with them when they haven't been with the right people yet. Please do ask me, I would love to help you out as this is right up my alley with personal experience."

Why is it that low self-esteem is considered a deficit on some people, but not others? The man I was talking about in my question is a person who I know has struggled a lot with his confidence and has no self love at all, yet there are lots and lots of amazing women who have been attracted to him. He has never had trouble finding a girlfriend at all. Every single time I have ever tried to act confident it made no difference, I'm still invisible to everyone. Why is it that some people are born attractive and worthwhile, and other people aren't? I'm pretty sure that no guy would ever be attracted to me even if I was the healthiest and happiest person on the planet.

All I can say is that the article I read in a magazine while in a waiting room years ago was of a study run by a University to find out if self confidence made a difference in whether guys end up attracted to females with it and won't stay with those who don't have it.
So a real study showed that it means something. I suppose it is best to look at what psychology labels each to be.
So here's a link to an article that explains the difference.

https://www.differencebetween.com/difference-between-self-esteem-and-vs-self-confidence/

So self esteem is basically how you see yourself and self confidence is how you come across to others. I will point out the article did say that there are celebrities with low self confidence who find a way to appear self confident so people have no idea how they feel until they commit suicide. The guy you mentioned may have low self esteem but still seems able to send out vibes of confidence, even if people don't think of it as confidence, it is what will attract people. My struggle was never self confidence but certain things I was doing that made people not want to try to be friends with me when I was growing up. I had a handful of friends but for the most part, people avoided me because to be frank, I seemed boring, uninteresting and all because I didn't know what to do to generate self confidence. I do know now. Celebrities know how to send out vibes that make people attracted to them. I read a lot and read in another magazine on how to gain self confidence.
This is one of the things I wanted to share. It involves a stretch of the imagination likening yourself to a celebrity. Therefore the first part is important and vital to tricking your mind into acting confident or sending out these attraction/attention vibes. I will explain using myself. I read we had to pick our best physical feature and think of a celeb we come close to in some way. It only mattered that I felt this way so I chose an actress from long ago, Sophia Loren because I always loved her eyes and I also thought my eyes were my best feature even though they didn't look just like hers, the connection is that I loved her eyes and loved mine as well. However if you do look really identical in mouth, nose, hair or something and feel good about that part of you, that works too. Now we do what is called borrowing self confidence until we have self confidence of our own. Mind you, I was in my forties when I did this, no young chick anymore. What I read to do is every time I leave my house, my car, just before entering a building, a room, etc, I was to think of that feature and imagine myself to be like that celebrity, getting the kind of attention and people looking at me and approaching to talk to me that celebrities get. I did that several times a day as I needed to, each time entering somewhere where other people would be. I didn't notice anything the first couple days and still did it but didn't really focus hard on it waiting and expecting. So I was surprised when at one restaurant as I left the table to go to the restroom, a woman stopped me and commented on how beautiful my eyes were. That stunned me, it was the eyes, which I had been using as my connection to help me visualize myself as being confident like Sophia Loren. Then as I got back to my table, a man leaving stopped and said something about my eyes being the most beautiful color and how they just grabbed a persons attention. Twice in the same place! I was excited but puzzled as I wasn't even wearing any makeup, my eyes were plain that day. I'll share another of being at a sports bar on a Friday to hear a band play so lots of people were there and another guy was sitting near my husband and I. He kept looking over several times so I decided to look straight at him and see if he wanted to start conversation. He did. The first thing he said was that he could help but notice my eyes and He hoped he didn't offend me when he said that they were really pretty. Brave to say as my husband was sitting right there, although not a jealous man, but he didn't know that. He just felt so compelled to say so. Those are my examples. After a while, I realized that self confidence is more about the invisible vibes we send out that other humans are able to pick up on. Everyone has this ability, even myself and what solidified this point was when I was attending a house party where I only knew a couple people and the rest were strangers. There were two very obese women in attendence. I am not picking on their weight, simply choosing this because it is a good example since many people are not attracted to people like that. One gal sat all by herself. Usually I am one to go seek out the underdog, the loner and befriend them. But the vibes I was getting from her were pushing me away, I felt so strongly that I should not do what I usually do and approach her. On the other hand, a mob of people were gathered around someone. I had no idea what was going on so I pushed my way closer until I got a glimpse of what was attracting everyones attention, it was the other obese woman, simply telling everyone a funny story and as a few people stepped away, I got a chance to get up close. I am not attracted to women and want to be clear on that but I can see when someone male or female comes across as beautiful. This woman was oozing beautiful from every pore in her body. It was so surprising, I turned to look back over at the other woman. It was so opposite, the vibes she gave off. It was as if she hated herself and wanted everyone to know it and yes, we were picking up on it. It is very uncomfortable to hang around someone who is trying real hard to push that point across that they are worthless, etc.

I realized then that the confident woman was attracting so many people because she was content with who she was, happy and sending out positive confident vibes which is attracting to people. I found that I no longer saw her flabbiness but saw her as another person and I can still say when I watched her face as she spoke, She actually was very pretty. This is what will help give a jump start to being able to have your own self confidence. I only did that exercise for a few months but the self confidence is my own now.

You said though: Every single time I have ever tried to act confident it made no difference,

I can take a wild guess, and might be wrong here, but I don't think you were realizing, your subconscious mind had you put the word 'act'. Acting as people do in plays, movies, tv series, is not who they are in real life, they are simply trying to portray the part they are cast for. So maybe acting, was a vibe picked up by others as pretending, or not real. See, the difference I feel when telling you about the borrowing a celebrities confidence is that there was no acting or trying hard to be anything special. It was all in the mind, I only had to picture myself walking into a place and being recieved with the same importance people might put on a celebrity. And then you are supposed to forget about it and relax and be yourself. No acting involved. I know it may sound like I am picking on your choice of words but I wasn't there to see what you did so I can only guess because I already know a couple people personally who I told and tried this and they were trying very hard to put on a confident act and it back fired because the real change has to happen in the persons mind so that the correct vibes are sent out for people to pick up on.


Sorry this is so long but this is stuff that I know is not widely talked about or open llkowledge to the majority of people and that is indeed sad as it is very helpful. Lastly, I will paste in a document on how to find Mr. Right. This is the one that involved making lists, something I kept putting off and God kept telling me to do after a divorce. So here it is:

How to find Mr. Right

I went through this search in my late forties after an almost 30 yr marriage to a man who was never in love with me, verbally abusive and not my sexual match. I was ready to finally find Mr Right and what I believe I heard while praying, is that I had to make several lists and refine them as I went along.

First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, or to really describe yourself in a convo in person, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. This is not just those met online but any you meet in person as you're out and about. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. At least, hopefully they will, if not, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.

So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?

I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grandkids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.

Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenerios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.

Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be “I want a guy who wants to have kids” “I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry” “I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief” “I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.” “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user”.
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn' t matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. This helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....

Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.

The other list is the what you want, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the critieria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.

I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, at least on a 2nd date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.
Hope this helps you. This is a lot said and yet there is so much more detail to share. So ask me if you have questions.



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I’m leaving the place because of too much heartache as he broke up with me and I can’t seem to get over him as we still catch up once a week, we’re still in touch but just once I told him today I’ll be moving from this place in 3 weeks time he said HE’S SAD and “HE WILL MISS ME” and I’m like what the hell and it was all through the text. I love him still and he knows that but also I feel real anger that he broke up with me. He will me he says, I just don’t get it and he’s saying he will try visit me at my new place. Am I not understanding nothing here??

As to not understanding, I think it's more of not knowing enough about interacting in any kind of relationship and the kind of love each type of relationship has. You do know some of this already. When your Mom says I love you, you don't assume it is a romantic love she has for you or a sister saying the same doesn't mean she is gay and hitting on you for a romantic relationship, Right? See, I knew you know this much. However when it comes to the kind of person you want to date or have been dating, many young women assume it can only be romantic love, not friendship love. That is NOT true. Just because lets say a girl loves a guy or another girl romantically, does not guarantee they will feel the same love in return. They may only feel the friendship love. And that brings me to what he said. Missing you is normal for close friends. If you didn't see your Mom for a year, wouldn't you be really missing her? Or Dad, or siblings, or other people close to you? This is not him vascillating, going back and forth on the kind of feelings he has for you as in being in love one day, breaking up the next and then days after being in love with you again. So I can only assume you are confused because this is what you were thinking.
So your next question will be, so why did he date me anyways even if he had no romantic feelings for me. Well, that is another thing about relationships that many don't know. To explain, I will ask you to remember a toy you asked the parents for one christmas, a toy you wanted more than any past Christmas, you dreamed about it and hoped fervently to get it and you did. Now remember that excited feeling you had when you first unwrapped it and played with it. Whether you did liked it or not a week or two later, the feeling you had for this special hoped for toy began to fade at some point so it didn't feel as exciting as the day you recieved it. This is a type of energy, this excitement over something new. So if the toy wasn't a good match for a kid because it really couldn't hold the kids attention, it is best to not play with it. I wanted a life size standing doll my height when I was 4 yrs old. After I got it, I quickly got tired of it, mainly trying to carry around something my size. I needed interactive gifts having things to do with arts or crafts which I discovered quickly and the parents took note of. It doesn't mean the doll would be wrong for someone else.

Now here's how this applies to relationships and most likely yours with the ex. There is a term for this heightened excitement in a new relationship. Everyone feels it, I have with each new guy I've ever dated including two husbands. It is called New Relationship Energy (NRE) and its that head in the clouds feeling with lots of warm feelings and tingles and electric currents running through you when with that person early on. Its an excitement that they chose you to date and feel as interested as you do. In fact most people are fooled into thinking that NRE is the same thing as both being compatible in all ways. Therefore, if a person was never going to feel romantic love for a person but is feeling NRE, they can mistake that as being in love. Then as soon as NRE fades, what they are left with is not feeling excited about you romantically or sexually, just enjoying you as a friend which should have happened in the beginning. This is why I believe its best to start as friends and after a few months see if the romantic feelings appear or were there all along.

This NRE is like a drug for some people, and it does the same thing many drugs do, make you feel wonderful or like you are stoned, giddy, happy. So as soon as NRE fades, the person breaks up and dates another new person until that also naturally fades to become what is the real relationship. In some circumstances, a guy left a girl who would have made the perfect wife and lover but since the long term feelings didn't match the heightened one of NRE, they either assumed they fell out of love or they don't care about the person as much as feeling NRE, their drug of choice because they get some of the same highs as taking a drug and its not illegal.
This could easily explain that your guy may have felt NRE in the beginning, and broke up when it faded or went on for a while longer, thinking he was the one with the problem and trying to make his way back to what he felt in the beginning but unfortunately NRE is a one time thing for each new person or each perfect new gift you get or thing you buy yourself. If you can understand that most likely what I just explained applies to you both, then you won't feel confused anymore. Dissappointed maybe that he didn't turn out to be the one for you, but that is something a person can't choose, you either have the right pheromone chemistry for this to go beyond friendship or not. He discovered he did not feel the chemistry so he's actually doing the right thing, stopping the romantic relationship. He wants to stay in touch as friends. That part is up to each individual whether they want to or not. As each of you find a new romantic partner, your new partners may not appreciate you being friends with someone you used to date, and actually be jealous and demand you not see them at all. That is a quite reasonable response unless they have a chance to meet and see the two of you interact and see that it is truly just friends now. I hope this helps you dear.
One last thing I will say is that some people date socially, only to have someone for events to hang out with and this may progress to friends with benefits but there is no intention of looking for a life time partner. Be sure to ask for what reason a person is dating and what they are looking for. Because there will always be those who are looking for their life long mate and the only way to find them is to date one person after another until you are sure exactly what it is you are looking for and this is not the social reason for dating but the investigative dating, to determine if the person you are seeing is right for you, if both of you agree each other is the one, you move into committed relationship and marriage, if not, you break up and start checking out others. So the breakups in relationships, painful as they may initially be, don't have to hurt for long or forever if your can direct your thoughts on this to understand, the one who broke up with you realized that the two of you just didn't have the chemistry needed for a romantic relationship. You don't want to end up long term with the wrong person only to find that out 10 years or more from now. That is a bigger mess. So there is really nothing wrong with ending a romantic relationship for the reasons I mentioned.

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Over this past year, me and his guy have been talking. We make each other laugh, have some deep conversations, etc. I’ve grown to really like him. A few of his close friends have even told me that he likes me. So, I’m pretty sure he does based off of what has happened. But, there are two problems. First, he is a year older than me so once I’m a senior, he will be going to college. And second, I don’t know how to tell him that I like him. I think it would be easier for me if he just told me that he liked me. How can I know for sure/get him to tell me? Oh and I’m a girl in highschool fyi

Here is an easy way to find out if he likes you just as a friend or likes you romantically. The romantic kind is what is needed if you want a dating relationship, and not just a good friend. The love of friendship and the love of a romantic relationship are both love but very different.
So what you ask him is: "Since we are doing so well together as friends, It got me wondering how well we might do together as More Than Friends. What do you think?"
With this statement followed by a question to him, you are not scaring him away by blurting out you like him romantically when he only loves you as a friend. This is the main reason why most people are afraid to tell a friend they like or love them.
Wording it this way sounds like it is just curiousity instead. But also that you are open to dating romantically. So if he really feels romantic love which is the 'more than friends' love, he will say yes to this idea because it is the open door he was waiting for without having to do the same and come out and say he likes or loves you. And lastly, just asking what he thinks will make him feel safe answering truthfully. So in sharing what he thinks, he says, no it wouldn't work because I only care about you as a friend, then you will know that you can never have a romantic love with him. Sometimes only one person feels it and it has to be felt by both. If he does say he'd like to date, then you do but ask questions along the way as to how you can keep in touch after he goes off to college or if he wants to.

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So , I am having my tubes tied on November 19th . I am a 29 year old female . I have never had kids and don't want any . The reason is because I have a really bad anxiety disorder and I don't think my nerves could handle it. Plus my mom has guardianship over me because of some other disabilities . My problem is every time my stepdad takes me to the doctor and they give me pain medicine he doesn't give it to me when he picks it up. I think he is selling it. My mom won't be able to take me because she is in a wheelchair my stepdad is my only option . How can make sure I
get my meds ?

I have looked for a National Hotline number for Adult Protective Services, as that is who you need to speak to. Your step dad taking your medications and not giving them to you, no matter what he is doing with them is wrong and falls under :
Financial exploitation – the misuse or withholding of a person’s resources (your pain medicine) to the disadvantage of the person and/or the profit or advantage of another person.

I came across such agencies listed for single states and not knowing which state you live in, all I can suggest is calling one of the states and asking them to get you a hotline number to call and tell them the state you live in. This number I am posting is for Illinois, just tell them you need help to find the number to call in your state, 1-866-800-1409
Another thing you can do is call your local Department of Social and Health services, DSHS and tell them what is happening and ask them to put you in touch with an agency that can help you.
I don't know for sure, but if Mom is disabled and has guardianship over you, she is limited so you may qualify for a non family member guardian or advocate who will take care of your needs, or perhaps a caregiver, non live in, just someone to take you on errands to store, doctor appointments, the pharmacy. I used to do caregiving for mentally disabled adults. I had two different people I spent about 4 hours a day with to take care of such things for them. I had files on all their doctors, what kind of doctor, and phone numbers and gave copied lists of such information to their doctors or called their state appointed social worker to help out with any problems. So if I understand right, you are too anxious and have other disabilities, so you should already have a social worker who is your contact. Your Mom should know but here's the problem: She is married to the man who is a problem for you and she may have been your legal guardian many years ago when she was not in a wheelchair, so the state needs to know because one disabled person should not be taking care of another disabled adult, no matter that they are a parent or relative. If she was not diabled and able to do a good job and make sure you were not taken advantage of, then its fine, but that is not the case. One of my clients didn't want an agency appointed caregiver any longer as he had located a relative who said they would be glad to be his advocate and care taker so I lost him. He had schizophrenia, but was an adult and that was his legal choice to make. I understand you don't have anyone else but it sure sounds like you would be better off having an advocate or social worker from the state working directly with you or a caregiver on your behalf. This may have not made any sense to you, and in that case, it's best I not say anymore, other than you need to call the operator and ask for a number for your local department of social and health services based on your zip code. Do not let the operator connect you automatically as you may need the number to try again later if it is as busy as the ones where I live with sometimes an hour wait time. Just write down the number and call it and if you are on hold too long, try again when the office first opens the next day. you really need a care giver appointed to work with you so that any time you need a ride somewhere, you can call and get that. The step dad is doing something illegal and could be in trouble for this which may make bad blood between you, him and mom. That means he will be very angry with you and Mom may not believe you and think you are making this up. That is why you need to talk to an agency that knows the legal laws for disabled young adults and that would be Adult Proctective services.

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I've been dating a woman for seven months. I love her, and love being with her, and she says she loves me. We've even talked of marriage.
She just got a new job with long hours and a ton of responsibilities (I am self-employed). She also just moved into a new house. She now lives farther from me, nearly an hour drive. For those reasons, we don't see each other as often. I've asked, and she swears she wants to be in a relationship with me, but when I go to her house, she has me do things like fix, install, or build things. We are hardly ever alone, and we never have sex anymore. She has a lot of close friends and she feels like she needs to give us all equal time. She also never comes to me. She tells me she loves me, but tonight she called me from the bar (by herself) to tell me that. I had told her I didn't feel like making the drive to see her, because since she moved the only time I see her is if I drive to her, and because of my work I've driven back and forth several times in a day to see her.
I feel like I'm being taken advantage of, and as I write this, to me it sounds obvious, but I'm really trying to give this the benefit of the doubt.
ps... we're both mature women, and both looking for a forever relationship... I'm just not sure if we're on the same page. Am I overreacting? Missing something? Being too needy?

You are not overreacting. What you are feeling is normal if you have certain expectations as to what a normal happy relationship is for you. It sure sounds like she just doesn't come close. It sure sounds one sided to me, just by what you say, however there may be other factors. I'd like to bring up something called 'The Five Love Languages' by author Gary Chapman. He states there are Five, and what he lists and explains makes sense. I have used it and it works great. The basic idea is that people tend to show love to others the way they liked to be loved, not the way their partner recognizes being loved. So it is easy for two people to not feel loved if the other is not showing love the way they Need to receive it. Usually each person has one basic love language with a second that may be equal in need to the first.
One is obvious, the giving of gifts.
Second is verbal affirmations, which can include
saying I love you but also giving of compliments, verbal support of what the person is doing.
Third is Quality Time. This already sounds like one of yours. Just time spent together to lavish attention on each other with no other agendas or chores, tasks, just enjoying each others presence no matter what the two of you are doing together.
Fourth is Physical Touch. This will include kissing, holding hands, snuggling, loving touches in passing and foreplay and sex. This may not be important on her list if receiving this doesn't tell her she is loved so she won't do the same for you.
Fifth is Acts of Service. It sure sounds like she has you do acts of service in fixing things around her house. However there is a twist to this. An act of service as stated in the book were thoughtful things you offered or did that your partner could easily have done themselves. Examples: You are getting up during TV commercial time to go to the bathroom and notice she has finished her tea/coffee, etc. and you offer to get her a refill. My hubby does this and many other things I can do myself but the very fact that he wants to do it, so I can sit back and relax, to me it shows he loves me. So if your girlfriend is very capable of doing these fix it jobs herself, if you offered, its an act of service, but if she tells you to do this and that and you comply, then it is not strong as a way to show her love and she may not see it as that, only that you obey without complaint when she orders you or asks you to do something. Since I don't know for sure which it is with her, I can't say whats going on with this one.
What will be helpful is both of you taking turns to do the 5 love languages quiz on line. Several people have come up with their own versions. But I am pasting in a link to the authors site.

https://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

At the top, click on Quizzes. And love languages is the top choice on the drop down menu. Depending on the answers you both get, your willingness to show her love the way she needs to receive it and her willing to change and show you love the way you interpret love, will let you know if the two of you can be happy.
Frankly, with my own experience after leaving an abusive marriage, I know how important some things are to a happy successful relationship, especially if wanting to commit in marriage. There are two things that make a solid foundation for a relationship. Most couples today only have one or the other but both are needed.
One is being each others best friend and treating each other as a friend, enjoying each other like a friend, knowing each other as well as a friend.
Two is being each others sexual equal. This would mean both like the same things in sex, and they have the same libido or sex drive. If both are low and only want sex twice a month, thats okay, its not bad unless the partner has a high libido which happens more often than you would think. My ex was low, I am high. My new husband, I made sure before marrying him that he had a high libido. Those with higher sex drives can fall anywhere in a range of at least once a week to way more like even daily or every other day.
Now I will explain what happens when one of each half is missing.
Lets say the couple has great sex but can't call themselves friends or best friends. So the only time they aren't fighting or treating each other mean is in bed as they have great sex. But the bad treatment will eventually cause someone to want a divorce or they stay and live a very unhappy life.

The other is being mismatched sexually, or the sex part missing, but being each others friend. Humans have a need for sex and it is medically proven to be healthy for a person in several ways. Often these kinds of couples will stay together and co habitat because they truly love each other, as friends, but not as lovers. If the need for sexual love grows great enough, one or both may secretly have affairs outside the marriage to take care of needs but not want to divorce. When on a dating site, I actually had a man truthfully tell me that was his situation and he wanted to know if I'd be his sex partner only and he loved and wouldn't leave the wife. The idea is to find a person whom you truly feel is your best friend because you both prefer being in each others presence, even for mundane chores, shopping, simply because being together makes the routine event much more precious and fun, and you also want and desire that person not only for how they look but because of who they are inside, their character and how they love you. So you both giving loving touches throughout the day, and when its convenient, you both enjoy showing your love the best way you can, by making love/sex. Since that is missing right now, perhaps she has personal beliefs about no sex before marriage. I did that once and ended up stuck married to a man (now ex) who failed on both parts of the important foundation to a relationship. If you ask and she does not have any such belief, then something is wrong. Maybe she has had bad sexual experiences in her past, abuse, rape or some such thing. If there is absolutely no reason, then perhaps the love she has for you is as a dear friend, but not a romantic love which is needed to be committed long term in a relationship, marriage license or not. You won't beieve how many people write in where they are confused on whether someone loves them or they confessed their romantic love to a dear friend who only feels friendship love in return and has to reject their wishes to become a romantic couple. The only big difference between friendship love and romantic love is sex.When its missing, it is a pheremone issue. Either both your pheromones are different enough that your attraction is only lukewarm or non existant. So if sex is missing and she's not willing or is willing to do it just one time begrudgingly, then it is not really a case of romantic love, only having her own agenda which she has not yet confessed to you.
You may think this is all there is to be considered when thinking of someone to be your mate the rest of your life, but there is way more which I won't write now but you can ask for.
When I first got a dating site, I just filled in the blanks they had like "What I like to do on a Friday night". ITs nice but not very telling as to whether you have a greater chance of getting along well. The computer and dating sites, I used as tools to find what I wanted and I was picky. I do hear from God and once day He told me to make this list, things I needed in a man and wanted which are two different things. I have shared this document with many people. I title it, how to find Mr Right or Ms Right. You may think she is right still for you but after considering everything else I have already shared and then doing what this document asks of you to do, you should be really sure if she is right for you or not. My husband and I personally know an older divorced man who is looking for a female to date and marry. His last experience started out sounding promising. He came to us both asking questions because like you, lots of stuff just didn't add up. Since we are talking the retired age bracket, my guess is money was too tight for the female to go out and do stuff the way she wanted to. So she asked to be taken out to dinner, movies, other events. But her favorite was going to the local casino. He obliged, even when her best friend showed up early on when he went to get her, traveling an hour to get there, only to find she was feeling too guilty go out when she and her friend did everything together and said she invited her friend along who also expected him to pay both their ways. He did. Neither ever showed any romantic interest in him, no kisses, no sex. After a while of wining and dining both of them with no real friendship growing between them or love, he stopped seeing them. This kind of thing happens a lot.
What stands out to me is that she bought her own house, even though talking of marriage plans. If a couple were going to marry, you'd think that something as big as buying a house would be a thing the couple does together. This one thing makes me feel she may possibly by thinking and acting like and making decisions like a single, not as a soon to be part of a couple. There are couples who are together by a license saying they are married, but they cohabitat in the same house only, both working their jobs, having their own interests or clubs they attend after work, not home enough to see each other, take separate vacations even and I wonder why they felt the need to marry when they both still act as single, not the two becoming one unit, a married couple. There is a possibility that she feels acting single if married is normal. In that case, it sounds like that alone may be a red flag, that she is not going to be a very good choice for you unless you like cohabitating but never really having a romantic relationship with.
If you write asking for 'how to find Ms Right', please do not ask in the section where you leave comments to rate my response. I can only read but not respond to it from there. You have to go to the left column, choose 'browse advice columnists' and search for my name Dragonflymagic. Once my column is open you can post a question by clicking 'Ask Questions' and I will get that and be able to respond. Good luck.

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I’m moving further away from him. 4 hours drive. We broke up about 9 months ago but still we’re good friends. However, when I jokingly asked him if he was coming to visiting me, he said yes, I won’t mind visiting you. And I told him, no no, you don’t have to though but he insisted and said yes, I don’t mind visiting you so what’s he implying here? Is it a good thing or a bad thing?

It is both. It is good because you will still get to visit with him as friends, although not as much as before. It is a bad thing for him as far as the increased gasoline bill.
You don't explain why you are moving away. If its for college, then in a few years, you may be back in town. However, keep in mind that status with friends can change as we personally change as people and become different enough from the friends we used to be so that we have little in common. I've experienced that with all the girlfriends I had in high school. He is not implying anything. Men don't have as convoluted over thinking ways as females. He is simply saying, that the long drive, extra gas is simply he wouldn't mind doing.
If you are hanging in there hoping he will change his mind and want to go back to a romantic relationship at some point, don't. If he has already realized there isn't enough chemistry to make this work as something more than just friends, and he meets another gal while you are away and this gal is jealous of him having a female friend, especially one he used to date, then he may not be visiting at all if that happens. If you really think something else is going on in his mind and since you and i are not mind readers, the best way to find out is asking what he meant when he said, " and here you repeat the exact words he said or the whole conversation'. I think you still hold hopes for him as more than a friend or you wouldn't be reading anything into it as being good or bad.

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What does this mean "You’re unhappy cause you are not realistic relative to the life you chose."

To me, 'relative to' is the same as 'because of.'
So someone is telling you that you are unhappy because of the life you chose. Being unrealistic about it may simply mean that you are not seeing the connection that you have caused your own unhappiness because of choices you made. Of course all adults make choices during their life that were not the best and then they have to change things rather than stay in that spot without any changes and continue to suffer unhappiness. Not being realistic is not seeing the truth of something even if right before your eyes, because your mind is saying something else, trying to convince you of something else that may not be something that in any way is possible. Another word for it would be 'pipe dream'. A 'pipe dream' is an unrealistic hope or fantasy.

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There’s this guy who was a friend of mine who I really really really liked for a long time. This summer, I finally found the guts to tell him that I really liked him, and he politely rejected me. I had steeled myself for the possibility of his rejection, and had convinced myself I would be ok with it. But when it happened, it felt like disembowelment. I fell into a deep depression and was crying uncontrollably all day, every day for weeks. I finally hauled myself down to a mental health clinic and they said I needed psychiatric supervision in a mental hospital. I wasn’t able to do that because I have a cat and there was nobody who would’ve been able to look after her. Then, my dad got sick and I had to find a way to compartmentalize this in order to take care of him. Luckily he's better now, so I can go back to my life.

Seeing him in class every week is indescribably painful. It hurts so much just to be in the same room as him that I have to do loads of deep breathing and centering exercises in order to be able to not fall apart. But a few days ago, I just found out the worst possible thing. He is now dating my good friend. She told me that she was really sorry and that she had no idea I still felt that way about him when they got together. My soul is suffering so much right now that I feel like it’s starting to shut down. I would love so much to get over him, but I don’t really see a way out of it. The only way I could imagine myself moving on from this is if someone as amazing as him pursued me, but I know that will never happen. I’m 26 and no guy has ever been remotely interested in me my whole life. What can I do?

I don't know who you saw as a professional but they were very unprofessional by saying you needed supervision in a mental hospital. If you haven't left anything out and you have no prior depression, then you do not have clinical depression but a depression brought on by a situation that is painful to you. Situational depression occurred to one of my daughters after her first long term boyfriend dumped her. She kept feeling worse and worse. I told her what to do for this kind of depression, stuff that will instantly raise the levels of the feel good hormones in our brains. Most people don't do enough things that keep continually refilling our levels of feel good hormones and when stressed from something real bad or unexpected, we draw on those hormones to help us deal with all sorts of stressful situations. But if you are out of these hormones in your brain, or low on them, not enough to help, then the levels are 'depressed', another word for too low/ and that is how the word depression came about. Some peoples bodies are unable to create these hormones, no matter what they do. If such a problem is going to appear in an individual, it is most likely to show up during teen years. It did for my brother and it did for one of my daughters and same for others I've talked to.

Back to the one whose boyfriend dumped her. She had a one time visit paid for by work but insurance would cover it after that. I told her what to do but she decided to trust a professional. Since he realized she had just this one visit, he wouldn't be able to take time to just let her talk and vent so He told her what to do to get over this situational depression. She came back to me astonished, showing me the list, and it had everything on it that I had already told her. No, I am not a mental health professional but I have learned just from living life and doing so longer than her. I can share these with you.

One is laughter, humor. So watching the style of comedy you gel with best in a movie is a good thing to do.

Another is movement of your body. It can be exercise of any kind, from a brisk walk to lifting weights or even dancing. What works best and fastest for me is skipping like a little kid does. I might do it in the house or yard so I am not seen as grandmother aged woman skipping down the sidewalk. But when I have done it, I can't help but giggle and laugh as I do so and i immediately feel better.

Hugs are another way to raise those feel good hormone levels, creating new ones. I am not talking about a quick hug where the bodys don't connect. I am talking about a long bear hug that lasts at least a full minute if not more. Most people let go the moment they start to feel strange or awkward but thats exactly when they need to continue holding the other person. Instead of asking for hugs, give hugs and you automatically get one in return.

Music. This is about the melody healing you, not the lyrics. Go through all the music you own and if there is any song that creates the sensation of your heart feeling as light as a balloon, floating upwards in your chest, then that is the right melody for you. What works for one person won't necessarily work on someone else. For me, it is the song 'Clocks' by Coldplay. That one song produces the strongest feelings in me so I have it on my computer and hit replay and when it has gone through 3 or 4 times, I feel so good I don't have to do any of the others at the time.

I do this already when feeling stressed because I know if I don't, I am using up all those good hormones that help me deal with things in life and I need to build it up. The other option is do nothing and fall into situational depression. I've been there before, but not for long as I don't like how depression feels and so I do what I know helps. Try these things until you find the best movement therapy, music and such that helps you feel better fast, like in minutes rather than days or weeks. I am not making any of this up. I will also post a site if you are curious by a psychologist turned author and teacher of other Drs. He explains that there is great hope for people who have depression or anxieties. People have commented who had supposed clinical depression all their life, only to be free of it once employing the non medicine methods he teaches about, CBT cognitive behavioral therapy is one of them and now recognized widely so mental health Drs trained in this method will post it in their ads.

As for the guy being with your good friend, for the time being, until you are healthy again and not depressed, you can not really be around them if at all possible. Explain to your girlfriend you don't hate her but need to take a break until you get your head on straight again. You don't have to go into details, just let her know you will make contact with her when ready. As for the guy, you are seeing him in a class so I wonder if this is college? Or just a class for fun at a community center or something. Either way, find if there is a way you can change to a class taught by another teacher so you are not in class with the guy or maybe take the same teacher at a different class time. As long as you are seeing the two of them at times, it will cause you in your unhealed state to start thinking about the whole situation again and all you will feel is more depressed and less willing to do the things that will actually heal you.
*If by chance you believe that you do have clinical depression that just started late for you, give these non medicinal ways a try first. If you don't notice any chance for the better after using them for a week or two, you may have to see a Dr. about getting onto medication. However, from what you wrote, I don't believe that is the case for you.
You can hear some of my examples of feeling rejected by a man I loved after I got my divorce. I know how bad it feels. When I found out he was going back to his divorced wife, not staying with me, I was in shock, adrenaline racing through me for days, maybe up to a week and that is not healthy, I barely could sleep, no appetite and my mind was constantly going over if anything could have happened differently if I had said or done something differently, and much like the steps a grieving person needs to go through, I had a stage of anger at him for the decision he made. However, I did not like the way I was feeling and knew after a week of that, that somehow I had to crawl out of that hole and find my way back. And I did. The first thing was to get as far away from where I might accidentally bump into him and I moved states away to go stay with a sister for a while.

I would also like to talk on some reasons why you may not yet have attracted any guys. I know because I once was there too. NOw I am the total opposite and can at least tell you right now, that one of the biggest things that will attract males like moths to a flame, is having a great self confidence. In a university study, men were watched to see if they chose beauty over self confidence but although they were initially attracted to the beautiful model types first, they lost interest when those women ended up drama Queens with low self confidence and were attracted to but stayed with the women with self confidence who were average to pretty but not drop dead gorgeous. Even in just making friends, it is a difference. If you want to hear how to go about getting to the point of having a man pursue you or you pursuing him and the guy happy you are, let me know. I also can share something that helped me find my second husband after the divorce. I am so blessed and so in love, and he's my soul mate. This is what women want in a man, a guy who feels exactly the same way about her, blessed, in love and with their soul mate. But there are things you must do first to clarify for yourself what exactly you are looking for in a guy so when you see him or meet him, you go after him. I can explain a scientific reason for unrequitted love. It's when people don't understand this simple thing, they are more upset and start to think there is something wrong with them when they haven't been with the right people yet. Please do ask me, I would love to help you out as this is right up my alley with personal experience.

BIG warning though . . .if you do want to hear from me again, you can't say something in the place where you rate this answer. You actually have to go to 'Browse advice columnists' and look under letter D for Dragonflymagic as that is me. Click on me to get to my column and from there you can write me. Please say something about what you first wrote about so I know its the same person and ask for how to gain self confidence, why some people don't love you back and how to find Mr. Right. Good luck dear and hope to hear from you agan.

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