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I feel like I'm being used. Am I overreacting?
I've been dating a woman for seven months. I love her, and love being with her, and she says she loves me. We've even talked of marriage.
She just got a new job with long hours and a ton of responsibilities (I am self-employed). She also just moved into a new house. She now lives farther from me, nearly an hour drive. For those reasons, we don't see each other as often. I've asked, and she swears she wants to be in a relationship with me, but when I go to her house, she has me do things like fix, install, or build things. We are hardly ever alone, and we never have sex anymore. She has a lot of close friends and she feels like she needs to give us all equal time. She also never comes to me. She tells me she loves me, but tonight she called me from the bar (by herself) to tell me that. I had told her I didn't feel like making the drive to see her, because since she moved the only time I see her is if I drive to her, and because of my work I've driven back and forth several times in a day to see her.
I feel like I'm being taken advantage of, and as I write this, to me it sounds obvious, but I'm really trying to give this the benefit of the doubt.
ps... we're both mature women, and both looking for a forever relationship... I'm just not sure if we're on the same page. Am I overreacting? Missing something? Being too needy?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
You are not overreacting. What you are feeling is normal if you have certain expectations as to what a normal happy relationship is for you. It sure sounds like she just doesn't come close. It sure sounds one sided to me, just by what you say, however there may be other factors. I'd like to bring up something called 'The Five Love Languages' by author Gary Chapman. He states there are Five, and what he lists and explains makes sense. I have used it and it works great. The basic idea is that people tend to show love to others the way they liked to be loved, not the way their partner recognizes being loved. So it is easy for two people to not feel loved if the other is not showing love the way they Need to receive it. Usually each person has one basic love language with a second that may be equal in need to the first.
One is obvious, the giving of gifts.
Second is verbal affirmations, which can include
saying I love you but also giving of compliments, verbal support of what the person is doing.
Third is Quality Time. This already sounds like one of yours. Just time spent together to lavish attention on each other with no other agendas or chores, tasks, just enjoying each others presence no matter what the two of you are doing together.
Fourth is Physical Touch. This will include kissing, holding hands, snuggling, loving touches in passing and foreplay and sex. This may not be important on her list if receiving this doesn't tell her she is loved so she won't do the same for you.
Fifth is Acts of Service. It sure sounds like she has you do acts of service in fixing things around her house. However there is a twist to this. An act of service as stated in the book were thoughtful things you offered or did that your partner could easily have done themselves. Examples: You are getting up during TV commercial time to go to the bathroom and notice she has finished her tea/coffee, etc. and you offer to get her a refill. My hubby does this and many other things I can do myself but the very fact that he wants to do it, so I can sit back and relax, to me it shows he loves me. So if your girlfriend is very capable of doing these fix it jobs herself, if you offered, its an act of service, but if she tells you to do this and that and you comply, then it is not strong as a way to show her love and she may not see it as that, only that you obey without complaint when she orders you or asks you to do something. Since I don't know for sure which it is with her, I can't say whats going on with this one.
What will be helpful is both of you taking turns to do the 5 love languages quiz on line. Several people have come up with their own versions. But I am pasting in a link to the authors site.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
At the top, click on Quizzes. And love languages is the top choice on the drop down menu. Depending on the answers you both get, your willingness to show her love the way she needs to receive it and her willing to change and show you love the way you interpret love, will let you know if the two of you can be happy.
Frankly, with my own experience after leaving an abusive marriage, I know how important some things are to a happy successful relationship, especially if wanting to commit in marriage. There are two things that make a solid foundation for a relationship. Most couples today only have one or the other but both are needed.
One is being each others best friend and treating each other as a friend, enjoying each other like a friend, knowing each other as well as a friend.
Two is being each others sexual equal. This would mean both like the same things in sex, and they have the same libido or sex drive. If both are low and only want sex twice a month, thats okay, its not bad unless the partner has a high libido which happens more often than you would think. My ex was low, I am high. My new husband, I made sure before marrying him that he had a high libido. Those with higher sex drives can fall anywhere in a range of at least once a week to way more like even daily or every other day.
Now I will explain what happens when one of each half is missing.
Lets say the couple has great sex but can't call themselves friends or best friends. So the only time they aren't fighting or treating each other mean is in bed as they have great sex. But the bad treatment will eventually cause someone to want a divorce or they stay and live a very unhappy life.
The other is being mismatched sexually, or the sex part missing, but being each others friend. Humans have a need for sex and it is medically proven to be healthy for a person in several ways. Often these kinds of couples will stay together and co habitat because they truly love each other, as friends, but not as lovers. If the need for sexual love grows great enough, one or both may secretly have affairs outside the marriage to take care of needs but not want to divorce. When on a dating site, I actually had a man truthfully tell me that was his situation and he wanted to know if I'd be his sex partner only and he loved and wouldn't leave the wife. The idea is to find a person whom you truly feel is your best friend because you both prefer being in each others presence, even for mundane chores, shopping, simply because being together makes the routine event much more precious and fun, and you also want and desire that person not only for how they look but because of who they are inside, their character and how they love you. So you both giving loving touches throughout the day, and when its convenient, you both enjoy showing your love the best way you can, by making love/sex. Since that is missing right now, perhaps she has personal beliefs about no sex before marriage. I did that once and ended up stuck married to a man (now ex) who failed on both parts of the important foundation to a relationship. If you ask and she does not have any such belief, then something is wrong. Maybe she has had bad sexual experiences in her past, abuse, rape or some such thing. If there is absolutely no reason, then perhaps the love she has for you is as a dear friend, but not a romantic love which is needed to be committed long term in a relationship, marriage license or not. You won't beieve how many people write in where they are confused on whether someone loves them or they confessed their romantic love to a dear friend who only feels friendship love in return and has to reject their wishes to become a romantic couple. The only big difference between friendship love and romantic love is sex.When its missing, it is a pheremone issue. Either both your pheromones are different enough that your attraction is only lukewarm or non existant. So if sex is missing and she's not willing or is willing to do it just one time begrudgingly, then it is not really a case of romantic love, only having her own agenda which she has not yet confessed to you.
You may think this is all there is to be considered when thinking of someone to be your mate the rest of your life, but there is way more which I won't write now but you can ask for.
When I first got a dating site, I just filled in the blanks they had like "What I like to do on a Friday night". ITs nice but not very telling as to whether you have a greater chance of getting along well. The computer and dating sites, I used as tools to find what I wanted and I was picky. I do hear from God and once day He told me to make this list, things I needed in a man and wanted which are two different things. I have shared this document with many people. I title it, how to find Mr Right or Ms Right. You may think she is right still for you but after considering everything else I have already shared and then doing what this document asks of you to do, you should be really sure if she is right for you or not. My husband and I personally know an older divorced man who is looking for a female to date and marry. His last experience started out sounding promising. He came to us both asking questions because like you, lots of stuff just didn't add up. Since we are talking the retired age bracket, my guess is money was too tight for the female to go out and do stuff the way she wanted to. So she asked to be taken out to dinner, movies, other events. But her favorite was going to the local casino. He obliged, even when her best friend showed up early on when he went to get her, traveling an hour to get there, only to find she was feeling too guilty go out when she and her friend did everything together and said she invited her friend along who also expected him to pay both their ways. He did. Neither ever showed any romantic interest in him, no kisses, no sex. After a while of wining and dining both of them with no real friendship growing between them or love, he stopped seeing them. This kind of thing happens a lot.
What stands out to me is that she bought her own house, even though talking of marriage plans. If a couple were going to marry, you'd think that something as big as buying a house would be a thing the couple does together. This one thing makes me feel she may possibly by thinking and acting like and making decisions like a single, not as a soon to be part of a couple. There are couples who are together by a license saying they are married, but they cohabitat in the same house only, both working their jobs, having their own interests or clubs they attend after work, not home enough to see each other, take separate vacations even and I wonder why they felt the need to marry when they both still act as single, not the two becoming one unit, a married couple. There is a possibility that she feels acting single if married is normal. In that case, it sounds like that alone may be a red flag, that she is not going to be a very good choice for you unless you like cohabitating but never really having a romantic relationship with.
If you write asking for 'how to find Ms Right', please do not ask in the section where you leave comments to rate my response. I can only read but not respond to it from there. You have to go to the left column, choose 'browse advice columnists' and search for my name Dragonflymagic. Once my column is open you can post a question by clicking 'Ask Questions' and I will get that and be able to respond. Good luck.
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Between a new and demanding job, moving into a house that needs repairs, occasionally watching two young grandkids and trying to maintain a social life, she sounds more than busy!
I imagine that all of that would be a bit overwhelming and, by the time she’s able to relax with you, she’s too exhausted for physical intimacy.
However, the fact that your feelings and needs are being overlooked is a major problem. Personally, I’d ask her, clearly and succinctly, to make the hour long drive and see how she responds. It might be that, with everything going on, she doesn’t realize that she’s been taking more than she’s been giving. I honestly hope that that’s the case!
If not, though, you need to chalk this up as a lesson learned and move on. You deserve to be with someone who values you as much as you value them.
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