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your answer to my question
Hi, I was just wondering if you could clarify something that you said in your answer to my question:
"I would also like to talk on some reasons why you may not yet have attracted any guys. I know because I once was there too. NOw I am the total opposite and can at least tell you right now, that one of the biggest things that will attract males like moths to a flame, is having a great self confidence. In a university study, men were watched to see if they chose beauty over self confidence but although they were initially attracted to the beautiful model types first, they lost interest when those women ended up drama Queens with low self confidence and were attracted to but stayed with the women with self confidence who were average to pretty but not drop dead gorgeous. Even in just making friends, it is a difference. If you want to hear how to go about getting to the point of having a man pursue you or you pursuing him and the guy happy you are, let me know. I also can share something that helped me find my second husband after the divorce. I am so blessed and so in love, and he's my soul mate. This is what women want in a man, a guy who feels exactly the same way about her, blessed, in love and with their soul mate. But there are things you must do first to clarify for yourself what exactly you are looking for in a guy so when you see him or meet him, you go after him. I can explain a scientific reason for unrequitted love. It's when people don't understand this simple thing, they are more upset and start to think there is something wrong with them when they haven't been with the right people yet. Please do ask me, I would love to help you out as this is right up my alley with personal experience."
Why is it that low self-esteem is considered a deficit on some people, but not others? The man I was talking about in my question is a person who I know has struggled a lot with his confidence and has no self love at all, yet there are lots and lots of amazing women who have been attracted to him. He has never had trouble finding a girlfriend at all. Every single time I have ever tried to act confident it made no difference, I'm still invisible to everyone. Why is it that some people are born attractive and worthwhile, and other people aren't? I'm pretty sure that no guy would ever be attracted to me even if I was the healthiest and happiest person on the planet.
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All I can say is that the article I read in a magazine while in a waiting room years ago was of a study run by a University to find out if self confidence made a difference in whether guys end up attracted to females with it and won't stay with those who don't have it.
So a real study showed that it means something. I suppose it is best to look at what psychology labels each to be.
So here's a link to an article that explains the difference.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
So self esteem is basically how you see yourself and self confidence is how you come across to others. I will point out the article did say that there are celebrities with low self confidence who find a way to appear self confident so people have no idea how they feel until they commit suicide. The guy you mentioned may have low self esteem but still seems able to send out vibes of confidence, even if people don't think of it as confidence, it is what will attract people. My struggle was never self confidence but certain things I was doing that made people not want to try to be friends with me when I was growing up. I had a handful of friends but for the most part, people avoided me because to be frank, I seemed boring, uninteresting and all because I didn't know what to do to generate self confidence. I do know now. Celebrities know how to send out vibes that make people attracted to them. I read a lot and read in another magazine on how to gain self confidence.
This is one of the things I wanted to share. It involves a stretch of the imagination likening yourself to a celebrity. Therefore the first part is important and vital to tricking your mind into acting confident or sending out these attraction/attention vibes. I will explain using myself. I read we had to pick our best physical feature and think of a celeb we come close to in some way. It only mattered that I felt this way so I chose an actress from long ago, Sophia Loren because I always loved her eyes and I also thought my eyes were my best feature even though they didn't look just like hers, the connection is that I loved her eyes and loved mine as well. However if you do look really identical in mouth, nose, hair or something and feel good about that part of you, that works too. Now we do what is called borrowing self confidence until we have self confidence of our own. Mind you, I was in my forties when I did this, no young chick anymore. What I read to do is every time I leave my house, my car, just before entering a building, a room, etc, I was to think of that feature and imagine myself to be like that celebrity, getting the kind of attention and people looking at me and approaching to talk to me that celebrities get. I did that several times a day as I needed to, each time entering somewhere where other people would be. I didn't notice anything the first couple days and still did it but didn't really focus hard on it waiting and expecting. So I was surprised when at one restaurant as I left the table to go to the restroom, a woman stopped me and commented on how beautiful my eyes were. That stunned me, it was the eyes, which I had been using as my connection to help me visualize myself as being confident like Sophia Loren. Then as I got back to my table, a man leaving stopped and said something about my eyes being the most beautiful color and how they just grabbed a persons attention. Twice in the same place! I was excited but puzzled as I wasn't even wearing any makeup, my eyes were plain that day. I'll share another of being at a sports bar on a Friday to hear a band play so lots of people were there and another guy was sitting near my husband and I. He kept looking over several times so I decided to look straight at him and see if he wanted to start conversation. He did. The first thing he said was that he could help but notice my eyes and He hoped he didn't offend me when he said that they were really pretty. Brave to say as my husband was sitting right there, although not a jealous man, but he didn't know that. He just felt so compelled to say so. Those are my examples. After a while, I realized that self confidence is more about the invisible vibes we send out that other humans are able to pick up on. Everyone has this ability, even myself and what solidified this point was when I was attending a house party where I only knew a couple people and the rest were strangers. There were two very obese women in attendence. I am not picking on their weight, simply choosing this because it is a good example since many people are not attracted to people like that. One gal sat all by herself. Usually I am one to go seek out the underdog, the loner and befriend them. But the vibes I was getting from her were pushing me away, I felt so strongly that I should not do what I usually do and approach her. On the other hand, a mob of people were gathered around someone. I had no idea what was going on so I pushed my way closer until I got a glimpse of what was attracting everyones attention, it was the other obese woman, simply telling everyone a funny story and as a few people stepped away, I got a chance to get up close. I am not attracted to women and want to be clear on that but I can see when someone male or female comes across as beautiful. This woman was oozing beautiful from every pore in her body. It was so surprising, I turned to look back over at the other woman. It was so opposite, the vibes she gave off. It was as if she hated herself and wanted everyone to know it and yes, we were picking up on it. It is very uncomfortable to hang around someone who is trying real hard to push that point across that they are worthless, etc.
I realized then that the confident woman was attracting so many people because she was content with who she was, happy and sending out positive confident vibes which is attracting to people. I found that I no longer saw her flabbiness but saw her as another person and I can still say when I watched her face as she spoke, She actually was very pretty. This is what will help give a jump start to being able to have your own self confidence. I only did that exercise for a few months but the self confidence is my own now.
You said though: Every single time I have ever tried to act confident it made no difference,
I can take a wild guess, and might be wrong here, but I don't think you were realizing, your subconscious mind had you put the word 'act'. Acting as people do in plays, movies, tv series, is not who they are in real life, they are simply trying to portray the part they are cast for. So maybe acting, was a vibe picked up by others as pretending, or not real. See, the difference I feel when telling you about the borrowing a celebrities confidence is that there was no acting or trying hard to be anything special. It was all in the mind, I only had to picture myself walking into a place and being recieved with the same importance people might put on a celebrity. And then you are supposed to forget about it and relax and be yourself. No acting involved. I know it may sound like I am picking on your choice of words but I wasn't there to see what you did so I can only guess because I already know a couple people personally who I told and tried this and they were trying very hard to put on a confident act and it back fired because the real change has to happen in the persons mind so that the correct vibes are sent out for people to pick up on.
Sorry this is so long but this is stuff that I know is not widely talked about or open llkowledge to the majority of people and that is indeed sad as it is very helpful. Lastly, I will paste in a document on how to find Mr. Right. This is the one that involved making lists, something I kept putting off and God kept telling me to do after a divorce. So here it is:
How to find Mr. Right
I went through this search in my late forties after an almost 30 yr marriage to a man who was never in love with me, verbally abusive and not my sexual match. I was ready to finally find Mr Right and what I believe I heard while praying, is that I had to make several lists and refine them as I went along.
First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, or to really describe yourself in a convo in person, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. This is not just those met online but any you meet in person as you're out and about. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. At least, hopefully they will, if not, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.
So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?
I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grandkids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.
Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenerios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.
Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be “I want a guy who wants to have kids” “I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry” “I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief” “I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.” “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user”.
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn' t matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. This helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....
Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.
The other list is the what you want, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the critieria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.
I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, at least on a 2nd date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.
Hope this helps you. This is a lot said and yet there is so much more detail to share. So ask me if you have questions.
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