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What do I do? I no longer love him.
What do I do? I'm married with two children and I no longer love my husband. We've been married for ten years and he is a soldier and is always gone. He doesn't acknowledge my feelings or needs. I want a divorce but with the financial situation, it would not be best at this time. I seek attention from other guys on the Whisper app but when it comes to the point they want to meet up I chicken out and ghost them. Can anyone give me advice?
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I think your lonely and you have every right to be. Divorce is a solution not an answer to the problem. I also think that you are confusing or using your loneliness as having falling out of love with you husband.
You are not the first wife to feel this way. It's hard raising children on your own far from any family support. The military understands this and they have people to help. Take advantage of any support or counseling they offer.
Go to the base family affairs unit on base and ask for help. Please do not divorce your husband while deployed he needs to keep a clear head if you want him to come home safe.
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The first thing to do is tell him that you are not happy and you believe that you may have fallen out of love with him so to be sure you've done everything to make this work, you need to give him the chance to agree to go to marriage counseling. There are people who marry assuming the excitement they feel is really love but instead it is a heightened sense of excitement over a new relationship or the new stage (marriage) in a relationship. It is called NRE New Relationship energy. If this was the case with you, it wouldn't have taken 10 years or even 2 years to feel it wear off and thus one or both of you feeling no longer in love. So the point I am making is that your scenerio does not sound like a mismatch at the beginning, as those are the types where I explain that it is a mismatch and there is no way to make it right. You sound like your situation evolved over the years and so it your case, it is best to air out both your concerns and have a neutral party like a trained counselor to pinpoint what they professionally see as the true issue and with recommendations as to how to resolve them. If one or both or you are then not willing to change what must be changed or is not able to for whatever reasons, then the next step is divorce and the two of you would have to agree and do it. I left a husband of 30 years who was verbally abusive the entire time. My faith in God saved me from losing my mind/mental health to the situation but it still took its toll on my body, The stress of a bad marriage will affect you one way or the other. Also, it is better for children to see both parents happier apart and maybe with new partners than together or as in your case, not together enough and still acting as if not together when together and worse. Kids learn from imitating the parents and they watch how relationships go and the first and closest one for them to watch is the parents. My three girls are late 20s and early 30s and I can see how messed up they are as far as picking good men for husbands and one won't get married, wanting to stay in control rather than share equal power in a relationship, she doesn't trust men because of her Dad. I wish I could do it over again. I'd leave sooner than waiting til they were old enough to move out on their own.
I stress doing all that you must to make sure you've done everything possible to try to make thing work with the husband. I did but he was the one dragging his feet and even though seeing a counselor, he said consistantly that he did not have any problems and wasn't causing any.
I say this because it is important for your peace of mind so you can easily move on without guilt and when the kids are older, they can know that you did everything that could be done. You don't want to look like the bad guy to your kids. Because my ex wasn't treating me in a way that was like making love deposits into my heart, like a bank account, eventually, me love for him ran out. That did not mean I could not love him again if he started from scratch and did the right things to keep building the love deposits to your heart. I hope you understand what I am saying. I read this somewhere and it made sense and helped me understand my situation more when I decided to leave him. You asked for advice and it could be taken several ways, advice on how to get a divorce, what to do to avoid a divorce, how to rekindle love for him and how to go about internet dating. I can help with advice on internet dating as that is how I found my 2nd husband and I know how easy it is to chicken out if you don't have some knowledge and plans in hand before doing so.k But first, you need to realize you wont' feel truly free to respond to guys unless you know in your heart you have done everything and given your husband every chance to make this right.
I understand you said you no longer love him. But as I explained, what I read tells me that it isn't your fault but his that you don't love him. He had to be treating you in a way that you need to be treated to feel loved. As far as I know right now, it may simply be a lack of him doing things that you recognize as loving things as deposits into your heart and never allowing that account to end up empty as it is now. So just because you don't feel it now doesn't mean it can be changed.
If the issue is the lack of time with you due to his job, that is an issue for many couples where one is in the military. Some can handle it if the love is still there but it is much harder for the spouse in service to do the right things to make their spouse feel loved. They have to work a heck of a lot harder at it than the average person. So it may come down to the counselor helping him with this and him willing to stay in touch with and email the counselor for ideas to help him along the way. So bring this all up with hubby and when he is on leave again, see if he's willing to do couple counseling. When you know for sure that there is no saving this marriage because the both of you are at odds with not being able to change what are some of the issues or not willing to, then if ready to get out there and date, then let me know again and I will take you through everything I learned by doing the same and some of it, stuff i heard from God that sure helped my situation along. Don't worry, I am not a zealous Christian out to convert people, just saying that What I heard was some of the best things that helped me to go through the part of divorce and getting myself out there. I do like the internet dating, depending on the way it is used, some only offer photos you vote on and that is not a serious way to find a partner. If it comes to it, you and I will need to write back and forth many times as there is so much I feel important to share with you that if you think this response is long, every time I share something with you, it will be as long and many 5 times until you have all the info you need unless you need clarifications and there may be more. So write me again if it comes down to this, having to leave him and get back out there. My kids were grown and yours are young but I believe there are still men who may have a child, are widowers, love marriage and want to fall in love again and willing to blend families, so don't let anything like that concern you now. Just focus on what I've said. If you've already done the counseling thing and he's given up or not willing to work with you to re build your love for him, then let me know. If you write to me, WARNING . . . do not write a comment in the space where you evaluate this answer of mine because there is no way for me to answer it, I can only read it. You have to go to Browse Columnists, look for me Dragonflymagic and click the button to post a question from my column. Since this is all anonymous and I don't know who anyone is, nor if I've talked to them before, it would be helpful if you mention something of your previous question or use a phrase that will clue me in that it is you again, like unloved Army wife. I hope that you will have peace and eventual happiness, no matter which way this all turns out. Blessings to you
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