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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

advice

so lately my dad thinks that my mum is cheating on him but it aint true. If the situationwas different i would talk to him but he s never in mood for conversations he only yells us and he also gets drunk. Anyways what hould i do

If you have info. from overhearing Dad that your Mom is not aware of, you might tell her and what he thinks and ask if she is willing to go for marriage counseling. Just plant that idea. The rest is up to her. A child shouldn't get mixed up in what is going on between the parents. This is for professionals to handle if both Mom and Dad are willing to seek help. With all the drinking, Dad may already be or in danger of becoming an alcoholic and it would be best if he and the family get hooked up with Alcoholics anonymous. Him for help as the drinker and family members in a support program to help you know how to understand and work with him. YOu can't talk to Dad about anything hon. Just plant the idea of marriage counseling with Mom. If she can't get him to go, then the best thing might be splitting up.

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I'm going to school in a different city and want to find roommate in the area to live with for a brief time. I have been looking on craigslist and I want to know if anyone has found a roommate through them and if it worked out. I saw some postings for $550 a month all bills paid.

I live in a big city on the West coast. My husband and I were looking for a room to rent. So we put out an ad. We only got to meet one lady who was normal but she chose someone else of 3 applicants. The rest of all who called did not want to speak to my husband, only me and they always turned the questions sexual. We never did find a room that way. It may be different depending on the city you live in. I would advise that if people start asking too many questions in a chat or on the phone and delaying giving you an address and setting up a time to meet, that you give up on them and block their number. There will be a few good people out there but most are crack pots. I had one woman who claimed to be a retired psychologist who was writing a book and would like to be able to ask us sometime questions to help her write her book. She never gave her address and would not be pinned to a time and always called again and asked for me. She always turned the questions to borderline sexual, so what I mean is questionable as it could be taken either way.Next time she called after I figured out she had a thing for women, I had the husband answer and she hung up quick. She called right back and I answered and she began to talk and I asked why she hung up on my husband and why she was wasting our time, had no room to rent and wasn't being honest. Then I hung up and blocked her. So that story is to warn you that it may not just be men you have to be concerned about. If someone is willing to have you come over, bring a male relative with you to be safe, just in case. Good luck.

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I got an email from a business frat whose info session I went to saying they selected me to join an invite-only portion of recruitment based on my interactions at coffee chats and info sessions. But, I didn't go to their chats and left the info session before the networking portion and I don't know anyone in the frat. So how did they choose me?/Should I go to the event they invited me to?

YOu're asking the wrong people dear. We have no idea of what they want to recruit people for. When I hear invite, and recruit and that they don't just ask anybody, well I hate to sound so jaded but in every case multiple times in life, it was for some multi level marketing thing. Yeah, not all are bad and I honestly tried hard with a few.

If you want to know how they chose you, it is because you put your name and contact info on a piece of paper. I know this from many in home party themed selling things, whether tupperware or candles or something else. The hostess is asked to provide names and numbers of friends she thinks might also want to earn free stuff, or she has to have two or three people at her party who sign up as a hostess to get free stuff too. This is how a business like this continues business. If it is not multi level, it is still some kind of business where they will call anyone and say you are an exclusive choice, not all are chosen. But the truth more often than not is that names and numbers are precious to them. They would not pass over most and only select a few people, that would eventually make whatever they are doing, grind to a halt.So they will call every person or email every person, no matter if they came a short time, stayed the whole time, how often they came or if they never showed, as long as they have a name and contact info, that person may decide to join. This is a ploy to make it sound like you have something others do not and that you are special which appeals to a persons ego and so a percent of all those they contact without really saying anything, get suckered in by their own curiousity to show up and see whats up. If You just discovered a cure for blindness, would you select only a few people to attend a seminar and then tell them of the cure? NO, you'd be so excited that you would be telling people straight up that you have found a cure and as unbelievable as it seems, all they have to do is attend an event and listen to you explain how. Then they can sign up to receive the medicine or procedure that will give them sight. I know, bad analogy but I hope you get what I am saying. Since they are not going to say anything as to what its about, not even one sentence, its all a mystery. Nope, you are not special to them, they are just looking for new bodies who don't know what they are recruiting for, people who haven't already attended and said no. Maybe they will tell you that they have a business you can run to earn the extra spending money while you attend school, rather than get a part time job somewhere. Yes, there are actual success stories out there. But money is tight for people now and it takes lots of time and effort to start a business, time taken away from your actual studies so that it would not be in your best interest. Then again, maybe it only a club within the college and the time you need to give in it, won't affect your studies. I highly doubt this is crucial to you getting your degree. If theres still time, ask them what it is about. If you don't want to invest any time, especially if they are not forthcoming with any info, then just say no. I could be wrong and this networking thing is a real valid thing to help each other in what ever jobs they will go into after college. However, my ex was not recruited at college, he started in his late thirties, hearing of something called Leads Club. It is a networking club with many groups that meet but the networking is done with one of every profession. He was an accountant, so not only was it accounting work for a Naturopath, Chiropracter, Personal trainor, Lawyer, etc but he got their services in exchange, no monetary charge. You also had to bring possible leads from your own clients who you discovered had a need of the services that members of the club had. This helped each business owner grow their business.

If it is something like this, then networking is a good thing but it may not be organized like the clubs that met in the big city I live in. YOu would have to ask if this is what it is. If so, its too early if you haven't graduated and landed a job or started your own business yet. You also need time to meet people of other vocations that you trust. You would not give a client lead to someone you wouldn't trust yourself, so if this is what it is, get contact info for a coordinator of this networking thing and hide it away safely to get out in the future.

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I'm male, 23, going 24 soon, I'm in the military. I met my gf online and we've been dating online for a year. I'm finally separating from the military and my gf and I want to get together and start a life together. We are both inexperienced as members of society, that's why we planned to move in with a friend and his wife who are more than willing to share a place with us. But my gf is so stubborn. She keeps changing her mind and going back on our agreements, now she wants to stay where she is. We could get a place there but it would be inconvenient for our friends who will have to pack up and move across the country. What should I do?

I am gonna be honest with you. I am older, 60,, so I've lived during an age of no technology, no computers were around when I was dating and looking for a mate, no cell phones, no texting, so I had to do things the old fashioned way. I am all for technology if it improves a situation. Don't worry, this applies to answering your situation.

For example, cell phones are a wondrous thing, with people being able to hold of you anywhere, anytime. Before, you might hang at home all day waiting for a call. I got two calls that required making two appt. dates today, and if it was back when no cell phones existed, I'd be playing phone tag for a day or two. Having seen the benefits of back then and benefits of now, I can truly say that I see on line relationships having more trouble than ones in person. There are several reasons. For one, the person on the other end, if you have never met in person, only on line, you can be in love with their personality, love how they think and express themselves, their sense of humor, their dreams they listed, etc. but you can't know if you will have that 'chemisty' in person. I am not saying that you won't be attracted to how they look face to face. I am talking about that kind of chemistry that is a pheromone thing. Scientists are still studying it but don't have clear cut answers for humans, only how it works for animals.

I have dated and married the first time using no technology. After a divorce when we were weeks from 30 yrs married, I used the internet but only as a tool to learn of a guys existence. I am not making anything up. This is my story to explain why there may be problems or already are, and how that could happen to you. I met guys on line who sounded wonderful. After a week of talking every day, I was convinced this guy was the one for me and yet, when I met in person, I did not feel any chemistry, no desire or passion. The problem is never the person not having experience, or doing something wrong. What is wrong is lack of matching pheromones. And sorry buddy, but you can't change your pheromones. So even if this girl wasn't acting up, when you did meet in person, there's always the chance that you may be greatly disappointed that the love you both felt for each other is not enough. Here is something else I've learned in life. That a healthy satisfying relationship is built on a solid foundation of two things. These things are a must or it will be a disappointing relationship if it lasts at all. One thing that is a must, you hopefully already know well, how to be a great friend to someone. For a committed relationship like a marriage, you need to be able to say you are each others best friend because you are treating each other as such. Next is being each others sexual equal. This means there is chemistry for one thing. Also your libidos are the same as in both want sex very often vs both happy with seldom. This could be any difference that is great and needs a compromise, like one is happy with once a week or once every other week while the other needs and wants sex every day. Unless they can be happy with a compromise which I have not heard of that working well in this situation, one or both begin to resent each other and one or both may secretly begin to have affairs to take care of their sexual needs. Unfortunately most people marry someone with whom they have only one of these two critical things. If they at least have great sex, sounds good, and it can work, right? No, not if they were never each others best friend because then they fight like cats and dogs 24/7 except for the handful of hours that they are having sex. The other flipside is two people who are best friends but not sexual equals. After having a kid or long before, the woman is no longer interested or the man is not interested. I had one such man meet with me, never having told me he was married. However at our first and only meeting, He told me he was actually married and looking for a woman just as a sex partner as he and her no longer have sex. I told him i wouldn't and asked why he didn't just divorce and leave her to find someone right for him. His answer I bet is the answer many have, he was horrified and said He could never leave her. He loved her as his best friend. I also know of one more guy, friend of the family in this same position. SO I know this is possible. There is a lot I've learned the hard way, through the school of hard knocks, living it. SO I have nothing against using the internet to meet people, just how people who have no background with how to relate to people face to face, believing with all their heart that what they have is the 'real' thing in an LDR or any internet relationship. It is also impossible to learn to trust a person. We learn over time how to trust a person because who they say they are, they are proving consistently in person. On line, you really have no proof that they are what they say they are. In fact, some people have posed as the opposite sex, or posted a photo that wasn't them because they were too afraid no one would like how they looked. I have known people to whom that happened. So again, I say, you can not truly trust her 100%, even if you have said the words that you do. Words like I trust or I love you are cheap and easy to say. But what is harder is actually putting the force behind those words, the actions that prove you mean what you've said. For example, when my 2nd husband tells me he loves me, I don't doubt it because he shows me in many ways, every day of his life...asking if he can refill my cup for me, doing things i could do myself but telling me to kick back and relax and let him do it because he loves me. He calls himself my beast of burden and is willing to do anything for me, like running to a 24 hr Walmart to get me medicine one night I was terribly sick at midnight because we were out of medicine I needed. He compliments me, is always building me up with words, supporting any interests and talents in me he sees and admires, never putting me down, never shouting or fighting with me. Yes, we may disagree on an issue every once in a while but it is never something that would be detrimental to the relationship so we agree to disagree and still treat each other with respect and love. This is the kind of stuff you can't find out on line. I am not saying that two people can't meet on line and it works out. But it will be very rarely, just as love at first sight is a very rare thing. (It is not to be confused with lust at first sight, this is a very common thing.) I hope my rambling is making some sense.

I also know that many people today prefer to never have a relationship in person because they are too afraid. Perhaps a fear of the unknown, having never been in a serious relationship, worry over STDs, getting cheated on, and so on. It feels safer to have a relationship on line. For people like this, which your lady may be one of, it becomes scary if contemplating finally meeting no matter what she has professed on line. Is any of this making sense? I hope so. The only way to find out if she is going to be the right one for you and you for her, is to meet, not to become a couple and start living together unless she wants to be a room mate. That is a good way to learn what the other person is like. She may need to be courted and romanced in person, as it has always been done in history except for the time of internet. She may have cold feet and know she isn't brave enough and it isn't smart to just jump into living with you and two others. If sharing a room, are you to be sharing a bed? SHe may not want to jump into that but have time to build up normal feelings of desire for another. Desire felt on line is more 'theater of the mind'. That means it is next to the real thing, a facsimile and what makes it seem so real is that the things we can not have like feeling ones arms around each other, kissing, is going to have to be imagined for now. What we imagine is going to be far from what reality is. I still remember clearly a guy I felt I was seriously feeling love for by the end of a week on line. We met and I was disgusted by many of his habits, mannerisms and he didn't look anything like his photo so his looks weren't even to my liking. Another time, the guy looked like some Hot male model that just walked out the pages of a magazine. We went on 3 dates but he lost interest after that and I could tell also that the chemistry between us was weak. SO even if both people are hot looking, without chemistry, its not going to work. The goodnight kisses I got or I gave, were a good way to tell. If it felt like I just had a romantic kiss from my dad or brother, and it felt disgusting, I knew that there was zero chemistry.
So in case she really is right for you, you might try a different tactic. Propose the following to her: That you won't rely on her for helping these friends. If they need the income of two people and there isn't two rooms but one, then you may try to see if some guy might be interested in paying rent for say 6 months, to be renewed later if possible. IN the meanwhile, she moves close to where you are
and you help her with that so she has a place to live, maybe with a female room-mate, then the both of you start dating and if you feel chemistry, work on proving to her that the love you say you have for her is true because of how you will be consistently showing her. With the background you already having of knowing facts about the other, you shouldn't need longer than 6 months to both feel comfortable with moving in together, thus her joining you at the friends house, and you both making marriage plans perhaps.
If she isn't willing to move closer, and start dating, despite the fact she no longer has to end up room mates with a half stranger, then do not waste any more of your time on her. Get a male room mate, then start dating a woman in person, not on the internet. You can cut the process of hunting for the 'needle in a haystack' by using a dating site, a full complete one, not a phone app with photos you click to say you like. Duh, no one ever writes someone they are not attracted to the looks of, only if there is enough info listed on the person do you have even a slight inkling that they may be up your alley.

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I'm almost Thirty now, I've been married once when i was 22 years old lasted two years then divorce.
My relationships didn't go well afterwards . And now i'm in a relationship almost a year now, Six years younger than me, At first i thought it was going really well he wasn't that serious all the fun and passion , but now when he started to be more serious talk about the future and kids and settling down i'm all nervous and uncomfortable, not because of my past, well at least i don't think that way..But i know im not in love with him he thinks different than me ,,we have alot in common but still it comes some time i can't stand being around him which by the way lately it became more,But i think if i would be deeply, compassionately honest with myself.. i know we're over. But that is a horrible thought im trying to ignore it.Does that ever work? Pretending that things are ok? i can't be honest with him completely i don't know what i'm afraid of.. i don't believe that he would've understand that.. i feel like drowning little by little everyday.. am i making this whole thing a big problem or should i talk to him and end it,, and if i have to end it how am i gonna do that what should i say???

You were okay with him before he mentioned the future and marriage, and I think that is because deep down, in your subconscious, you really were content with just having some companionship. Due to your past marriage, you didn't believe relationships like those in movies or love stories could possibly be real. What if I gave you hope that it may be possible if you went about your search for a man differently. Yeah, it still may not happen but you sure up the possibilities if you find a way to quit the current way of searching which is like looking for a needle in a haystack, meaning 'next to impossible that way.

I was divorced after 30 years with a guy and I knew that being social, I'd be happier with a mate but I wasn't going to take just anyone the next time, as he had to be my Ideal man, his personality and character exactly what I need. I was not doing well, just hoping to run into a nice guy who was perfect for me. So I prayed, yeah...I am a spiritual person, and was told that God would prove that He really cares and can provide what I need but I had to do what He told me, to know what exactly I wanted so I could recognize him when I met the guy, and to know myself and my needs well enough that it would also influence the kind of man who was right for me. I wrote my story in a short teaching document. After reading it and following it, if you have questions or are having trouble with how to make your lists, let me know. But to write directly to me, go to my column by looking me up under columnists 'Dragonflymagic'.

In my story,I used the internet. I know the internet is a scary place to meet a guy, but i played it safe, never went in his car to start, just mine, etc. and used the net only long enough to learn of his existence, so after a week on line and by phone, I'd meet the guy in person. This is the only way one can tell if there is chemistry. So here is my story.

How to find Mr. Right

I went through this search in my late forties after an almost 30 yr marriage to a man who was never in love with me, verbally abusive and not my sexual match. I was ready to finally find Mr Right and what I believe I heard while praying, is that I had to make several lists and refine them as I went along.

First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, or to really describe yourself in a convo in person, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. This is not just those met online but any you meet in person as you're out and about. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. At least, hopefully they will, if not, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.

So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?

I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grandkids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.

Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenerios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.

Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be “I want a guy who wants to have kids” “I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry” “I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief” “I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.” “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user”.
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke, it was from his son who uses the car but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn' t matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. Sticking with your needs, not lowering standards, helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....

Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.

The other list is the what you want, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the criteria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.

I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, at least on a 2nd date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.
Hope this helps you.

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I’m 16 and my dad has always been my idol. My mom went on vacation for a month with my sister (12 years) and my dad misses them but he doesn’t want them to come back. He asked my mom to come a week early but my mom said I because my grandma recently died. My dad decided to extend her ticket to two extra months. He said that since she loves her family so much she doesn’t love me anymore ( which I don’t believe) and that’s why she is staying extra long. I told him that my sister will be missing a ton of school but he’s not listening. When I confronted him he said he’s just joking but when I told my mom to screenshot what he said, he said that she can go find another man to live with and love because I can’t live with you anymore. I don’t know what to do

I want to be sure I understand what you are saying. I get the part about Mom on vacation and visiting relatives and needing to stay longer because her own Mom just died. That actually happened to My Mother. She went to Germany to visit relatives when I was your age, While there, her Mom died and there were sibling fights so she was left to be only one willing to put together a funeral/memorial.

I will paste in the parts that were not clear and what I hope they mean.

"my dad misses them but he doesn’t want them to come back" (If you miss a person, then you can't wait for them to come back. So whatever he said about not wanting them back, is because he is dis
appointed and thinking only of himself, not what your Mom needs.)

"My dad decided to extend her ticket to two extra months" (extending her ticket is a big thing. It shows that in some way he really does care about what happened. Its just that he is disappointed, expecting her back a certain day cus he misses and loves your Mom but now he has to wait longer)

"He said that since she loves her family so much she doesn’t love me anymore" ( Either the 'me' was him speaking of himself, saying the wife didn't love him anymore because she is wanting to stay for a funeral or he was saying it meant Mom doesn't love you her teen child. The last part didn't make sense so I am going with him saying his wife doesn't love him anymore. And that dear would be a childish statement, from an adult acting like a child when disappointed, by saying stuff that isn't true and blowing things out of proportion, like when a Doctor had to drain pus out from under a finger nail when I was 5 and I told everyone afterward that he cut off a part of my finger.)

"When I confronted him he said he’s just joking" (Ah, now we see a bit of adult maturity. He saw what his pessimistic dramatic, pity party statements were doing to you, so he quickly assured you he was joking)

"he said that she can go find another man to live with and love because I can’t live with you anymore." (Not sure what you meant to say. It could mean he wants her to find another man so he can be single and he also doesn't like living with you and is tired of it. If he meant the I in I can't live . .. is himself, then who is the 'you'? Did you mean to say 'her' as in he doesn't want to live with his wife anymore because of an extended trip with good reason? I am going to guess that because you are so alarmed that he seems to be hinting at divorce.

Honey, if this is the only time he has ever mentioned divorce and they do not fight like cats and dogs, them most likely, he is so deeply in love with her, that every day they are not together, is pure torture for him. I know that kind of Love, I have that with my husband. And we do not like being apart for long. If we are, it drives us crazy and we worry for each others welfare, etc. The only issue here that I see, may be that he needs to grow up a bit more. Not all adult are totally mature as an adult needs to be. This may be his weak area. If I were you, I'd not worry about it. If he is so in love, he will want the romance and time alone with her, okay I'll say it, sex. So if you are too worried that you are not at peace, you might get him started thinking about special plans for when Mom gets back. Although your sis will have missed Dad, other than the day she gets back and spends time with Dad, after that, sis and you should be out of the picture, sleepovers somewhere. And have Dad plan a romantic Day for him and her. This should get his mind out of the dumps.






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I'm a freshman in high school, a girl. I've been friends with this girl for a little under a year now, and we're good buds. We've hung outside of school a couple of times, it's always been fun. Recently, I've been feeling very fond of her, and want to be around her more often for some reason. I've never had a bf/gf before, let alone a big crush. Do I like her romantically or do I just want to be closer friends with her?? I have no idea. Any advice from your experience?

I remember having what you could describe love feelings when I was in HS. I am female and the two people were female. One was my best friend and hold your breath, the next may sound shocking, the other was the school nurse (old enough to almost be my grandma) whom I was assigned to help during an open class period one semester.

The love I felt was a strong feeling. However, before I go further, I must explain that there are many kinds of love. I will list a link that goes into detail on each of the 7 types.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/hide-and-seek/201606/these-are-the-7-types-love

Eros is the sexual love. However we can sometimes feel that pang in the heart or the heart seems to jump, when around the person. It is usually not something I have felt dramatically in the heart as often as I feel love for my husband. No, I would have to say over the course of a handful of years, I probably felt that brief pang in the heart over whatever was going on at the time that made me feel this friendship love in a very deep way. I felt it twice with the school nurse. How do I know it was not a sexual love? Because I did not have any sexual desires for them or for any females. I just am not made that way. But those brief moments in between caring about them as special people in my life, I felt these stronger pangs of emotion. It is perfectly normal and means you have a heart capable of loving deeply, anyone, not just a romantic partner where you also feel sexual attraction. The only difference between a friend and a romantic partner is the sexual attraction and romance and sex. Otherwise, both have one thing in common, being best of friends.

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Hi so, I'm gonna make this as short as possible. I'm a freshman and just got called for an on-campus job. Potential problem is, I'm taking 18 credit hours/5 classes (ungodly amount, I know). I'm just finishing up my first year core stuff (Bio 2, Chem 1, Pre Calc, all with labs and American lit and music appreciation online). I took most of them in high school. This is the first and the last time I'll be doing this, as a result my remaining semesters will be lighter. I just wanna get some experience in the workplace for my resume (1st job) & extra cash. So should I go ahead and nail the interview or pass it up? Thanks.

My daughter had a friend who worked on campus at the local community college. As I recall, the degree the gal wanted to go for, office or business administration , meant she was getting some kind of work experience kind of in the field she wanted to learn. Experience with degrees works better than degrees without experience. If you know yourself well and what your limit is in how much you can juggle at once, you have to make your decision on that. If the classes are your limit, then time wise and energy wise, and focus wise, you may not be able to do the job. If you are willing to try and they are willing to take you knowing your schedule and willing to allow you to opt out later and they just replace you, then that's a good situation, and one you may not know of if you don't go to interview or ask the kind of questions there or later to find out. Remember you need time to study and do homework other than class time. If things get slow on the job and you are allowed to do some homework in between, then that's a good deal. The office job is likely part time so if 4 or 5 hours, you can only know if you try the on campus job and studies and classes can all be done well, not half assed due to exhaustion. Sometimes the only way to find out is to accept and try. If it gets too much for you, you simply let them know it is too much for you and you thought you could handle it but you can't. I believe the person who hires for a college job position and hires students, has experienced those who it turned out couldn't handle the time spent on the job. Its likely nothing new. I would ask what happens if you find it is more than you can handle after some time. You really want the extra money or whatever you get in return for the job so you are interested still. Let them explain whether they would take you or not, and whether they are understanding of you stopping the job later. If there is a way to drop out of one class now to take at a later time, you might want to ease your load that way. Don't bite off more than you can chew with too many classes simply to finish school sooner. Its not a race to get across the finish line first, but how you finish that counts, even if you come in last. If you rush and pass and get your degree, but just barely with low grades all around, how experienced are you for the job? If you take your time and get the best grades because you had the time to devote to getting those high grades in each class, your knowledge will help later when people are choosing between you and other applicants. Your personality helps a lot too depending on what is needed for a particular position.

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I need help with coming out to my Christian family, they are against lgbtq and really homophobic and don't accept any lgbtq and always say that it's wrong, but I completely disagree and need help coming out, so how should I approach it

I come from a Christian background and can remember a time when I choose to not question or think for myself and simply adopt and believe any verdicts from the pulpit, such as transgenders or being gay is wrong and evil influence of the devil. So I know that simply providing the facts, most often will not work with all parents. They can ignore the facts and truth and have a tremendous faith to believe in something that has no scientifically, clear cut, makes no sense type of stuff. Yup, I once was there but eventually began to question things and I believe that was when the Holy Spirit began to work with me to show me how i had been believing lies pretty much all my Christian life. If you are a minor and still under your parents roof, you would do better waiting to tell them after you become an legal adult at 18. At that point they can no longer tell you what to do. However if you are an adult living with the parents as many do for financial reasons these days, remember, if they disagree or become radical and want to disown you and kick you out of the house, they can. If you are a minor, they can't kick you out if you tell them. The law says a parent is obligated to provide a roof over your head, food to eat and proper clothes to wear and that is basically it, the extent of what they are required to provide for a child. So if not 18, don't make the rest of your life at home miserable by taking the chance and telling them early. If you are an adult now or soon will be, a better way to spend your time preparing is getting on LGBTQ sites where you can talk to others who came out to parents, especially Christian parents. I had a pen pal in another state, he was a Christian Pastor of a LGBTQ friendly church where half the parishoner's were LGBTQ and the others were their family members or friends who supported them. I can't say there are many churches like this but it might be helpful to search if there is one in your area, start attending and talk to the Pastor and have him help you with how to approach the parents and with information to share.Or you can get the same info from talking on line. Do searches on line for coming out to Christian parents and start studying all, there may even be some good youtube videos on it. In case they don't come around, you may want to have a place to crash at, so any lgbtq friendly friends, or even the type of pastor I mentioned who could easily announce you have need of a place to live, is possible.

Here is one thing that is a fact. At least sheep have been checked out in tests and the results are something sheep farmers have known for ages, that some Rams (male sheep) are homosexual and others Asexual and thus they are useless in breeding which is how a farmer expands their flock and so often when needing to sell for meat, they will choose just those that are attracted to the opposite sex so they can sire more sheep. I think you will like the one article I post a link to. It talks about the percent of sheep this way, how their brains are studied and are different already before being born and thus as Madonna states, "I was born this way" is actually appropriate and true. They may need more than the fact that in nature it so, humans are mammals too, just more advanced but being more advanced doesn't have any effect on how you are born. However, being more advanced means same sex couples can adopt and raise healthy non gay children but you won't be seeing two gay Rams adopting a baby sheep any time ever. This is all I have for you as ammo for a talk when the proper time and day comes. In the meanwhile, educate yourself and talk to others in the same situation as you to get some ideas. Since I am not gay or any of the others, I have no personal experience in that subject to share, just the little I do know of that I hope in part will help you. I wish you all the best dear.

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Hello. I'm 24 years old, a bisexual male, and I've never had sex with a guy before. Have had two previous sexual partners, both women, and both long-term relationships. I've been curious about being with a guy for quite some time.

My issue is this: I've been going about finding a one-time hookup or maybe FWB situation on Tinder because I can do so easily and anonymously, and there are plenty of people there that are not necessarily looking for something long-term or serious. I've tried this a few times and every time I've met people, but as soon as I start discussing with them and it becomes real and actually happening, I get scared and nervous and I back off, only to try again some months later, and rinse and repeat.

I'm nervous about letting someone I don't know that well in in such an intimate way, I'm VERY nervous and afraid of catching something, I'm unsure of how I'll feel afterwards...it's a mixture of a lot of things and feelings I'm not quite sure how to process. Part of me feels all of that is worth not having to wonder forever what it would be like, but I don't know.

Am I going about this the wrong way? Should I listen to my fears and hesitation, or should I go through with it in spite of them? How worried should I be about catching something, the situation in general, etc.?

Thank you in advance for reading and answering, if you do. It is appreciated.

Adviceman gave you excellent advice. I feel too that at this stage in your life, it is more likely you are bi-curious and yes, there is such a thing. Its not a phrase that has been made up. I was invited to go along with my husband long ago to a pool party. We were the friends who were the plus two, and our friends had gone to the party. At one point in sunning myself, I opened my eyes to find not a single woman anywhere. So I asked where they all had disappeared to. One of the husbands said a couple of the women were bisexual and went off to a room to have fun but all the others were curious or bi-curious and wanted to watch and that's where all the women were. They asked if I wanted to go join in, and I knew I had zero interest in females that way.

I don't know how you hooked up with girlfriends. You say you can't be intimate with someone you barely know or don't know. But what did you do with women before having sex? If you met them in a bar or party and took them home that night to have sex, and are comfortable with that, then your issue is not about being intimate with someone you don't know well. Some people are able to operate that way, but others, like myself and my husband, are people who need to get a good feel for the other person, know them well enough to not only want to have sex to scratch an itch so to speak, but also because sex is much more sacred to us, the best way to show our partner how much they mean to us and how special they are. This means not thinking of oneself first, but wanting to please the other, give of all you've got to the other. I say this because I don't know which kind of sex you are more comfortable with or have experienced so far. If you are the type who can only feel comfortable having sex with someone at the point you feel love for them, then you might have to go at it with a guy slowly, getting to know him first. Not ever man you meet will be the kind who prefers to have sex with a male at the drop of a hat without knowing them. There are some online sites for meeting people. If you only want sex, but not getting to know a person first, then the site for that is "Adult Friend Finders". When I was looking for pen pals, I assumed by the title it was an innocent thing, just friends, no sex. Sorry, its a meat market. It is dangerous to also have sex with someone you don't really know well. There is no way to know if they've ever been checked for sexual diseases, or if they have one and aren't telling. However two people who love and trust each other are more likely to go together to a clinic to be checked out. You can catch disease as easily with a female as you can with a man. Most people don't come out upfront about any disease they have as they feel it might lower their chances of finding someone. When I found out I had herpes, I was divorced and looking and on a dating site. I changed my profile to add the info about Herpes. I had a man say it was not an issue for him as he has also tested positive many times but had a strain that he never broke out in. the same for the man I married, he also said he had tested positive but never had any breakouts and it was not an issue. So whether having sex with females or males, this is not a weird thing to discuss if you are smart about it. Anyone who is offended by the topic of conversation, is someone you are better off not getting involved with.

Since you are most likely just bi curious at this point, if you want to know for sure if you would really like it, you may have to find a male who hasn't done this before either, is bi curious, not totally sure yet, and he is willing to get to know you just as friends first and if both of you are comfortable with each other and feel some kind of attraction, then you both decide on moving forward and doing it. But as already mentioned, be careful, even if the person says they are clean or can show you a recent sexual disease testing that proves they are clean. That is the best way and if both are fearful of catching something, then they should make sure to both do this and then also use condoms routinely. I know of two people who said that one of them had the oral herpes, so they would wear a dental dam if there was oral sex. I will not go into dental dams, just list a site for info.

https://www.buzzfeed.com/skarlan/what-the-fck-is-up-with-dental-dams

Don't feel like this is something you have to do because there is a slight desire or curiousity. I was not curious at all as I said, but at some point in mid life, A female who was a close friend and knew she was straight as I am, we were just curious what all the fuss was with bi sexuals. Neither her nor I felt attraction to each other sexually as bi's usually do. For us, it was a science experiment and the husbands knew and we took precautions, being tested regularly. You never know if you have a partner who may be cheating and bringing something home. There was a level of comfortableness and trust to try this. We both found we could make the other come. It was eye opening as we both knew what a female needs to feel to cum, so afterwards, I wondered why it was so difficult for men to perform oral successfully when it worked so easy for women together. I realized how much I needed to communicate with a male so he could know what to do for me.
The wondering thing about something you haven't tried,, done or someone you never dated, is something that can follow you all your life. Thats normal. YOu don't have to do something just because you keep wondering. If you find you are actually sexually attracted to certain men, then yes, you are probably bi. Not every bi person though will have sex with lots of the same sex. I got to know a female neighbor who was bi. She invited us along to a club where there was swinging, sex with singles or one half of a couple, married or not. A good amount of people just enjoyed the meal, live band and dancing. Yes, i am that open minded. So when other females went off to a private area with another female, I asked their husbands how they felt about it. I learned they only were sexually attracted to one male, their husband, but in general were attracted physically to many women of all sorts. Then there were women who were attracted to their husband and only one other specific woman. Or the woman enjoyed mostly being with other men for sex but only liked one or a couple of females. As you can see, it can vary and does for males too. So go slow if you wish to, try meeting someone in your situation on line, find a site for bi sexuals and make sure its someone close enough to meet often in person if it works out chatting online for a week, then take it into the real world and see if you two can forge a friendship. The only difference between best friends or a committed couple is the sex. Otherwise a couple are each others best friend and enjoy desire each other sexually. So keep in mind friendship and if that cna't happen, you don't feel anything in common to be friends, don't go any further. This is the best way to slowly move forward. Once you and some guy have become good buddies and are comfortable with and trust each other, you will have worked up to kissing and cuddling, like when watching a movie together. Some romance but not jumping in cold feet, same as you would when you have a new girlfriend. Then if you both talk and decide you both are ready for sex, you both go to a clinic to be checked for any diseases. This is important as some are not that obvious to a person that they even have it and so some, like Herpes are so easily passed on. Herpes for example is a virus laying dormant for great times at the base of your nerves. Then something triggers it to be released so it travels up the nerve until the virus is laying on the surface of your skin. This does not mean there is a bubble or open sore yet and in fact many who are carriers do not know because they can go for years or decades without ever breaking out. Since they never had a breakout, they have sex and pass it on to others. Every person is different in how their body may react to the virus and then there are different strains of it where they have minor outbreaks very seldom to those who have terrible outbreak that require medication to heal up, and it happens regularly or often. So I can't stress enough having yourself and a potential partner tested. This is all I had to add to try to help you decide what you wish to do.

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I am interested in a guy however I am not too sure about it. We are in the dance community together and over the years I have caught him looking at me lot and still do onto this day. We do not know each other very well but have talked a little ever since I have signed up for his classes. I think we might be around the same age. In the past, I have overheard him say how attractive I am and he thought I was stuck up. With this being said, I immediately cringed when I overheard him say this then realized maybe he wants me to talk to him. At dances he purposely dances by me. In class once I had a little conversation with him and quickly realized he didn't reciprocate. I was immediately turned off then told him I might have to leave early. He then asked why? And I answered him.
Other classes I feel like he purposely partnered up with me and was trying to get to his friend to switch and dance with me.
I also think he's a bit hot and cold then realized its too early to see if there is a connection. I want to talk to him more but I feel like I shouldn't be doing all the work. What should I do? Should I befriend him? Are there signs? In the past he also sat by me at a meeting and I caught him smiling at me a bunch of times then later on the group went to a bar and multiple times I caught him looking at me.
What can I do? Is he interested?

This is going to be fun for me to answer. I can relate on a couple things, at least when I was younger. It is true that the first attraction is to a person's looks. However looks alone don't mean that you will have things in common. Another thing about looks and how you carry yourself and appear to others, it can be very misleading. I have known for a long time that what I look like does not match who I am inside. I am not saying I am ugly on the outside but sweet inside. What I am saying is that like yourself, the guy found you attractive but thought he saw something else, maybe in mannerisms or what have you. So he assumed you are stuck up. Well, welcome to my world. I am 60 and have never found a way to appear on the outside as I am on the inside. The only thing that works for me is to walk up to people and talk to them first and in the conversation they begin to get a glimpse of who I really am. After a divorce, I made a profile on a dating site. I was using it as a tool to screen out guys like my ex or with other traits I didn't want. I made it clear what I was like, and when my current husband read it, he thought I was 'full of shit', his exact words as he explained to me later. He was a bit jaded from having dated women who wrote that they had the personality traits and character that he was looking for and it turned out to not be the truth. His teen daughter kept urging him to find someone so finally he decided to get this over with, write me and see it flop before it started. To his surprise, I answered him point by point on things he mentioned, and I shared more on how certain things about him would not bother me. We traded phone numbers and he asked me to call him on Monday as this was late Sunday, he wrote on line giving his number. As we talked every evening, he began to realize that I was not what I appeared to be simply by what I wrote. Then when we met, the person he was already getting to know from long convo's, he saw didn't match how I appeared to people. He asked if I knew this and I said I did and thats when he said his first impression had been that I was full of shit and making it all up. I wasn't offended, but laughed instead. We are now married over 9 years

For you, it may not end in marriage, but don't let his false impression of you turn you off and rule him out. You already know there is attraction on both sides to the others looks. Yes that is important but there are other things that are just as important and people usually stop at the physical attraction. What do you think happens to long married couples when they age, and wrinkle, sag and go gray? Outer Beauty can fade, so for partner to still be in love, it can't be skin deep, it has to be about the beauty of the individual inside, their talents, mannerisms, how they think, their heart and what is important to them, how they treat others, etc. I am at the age where I am losing the looks. I look better than most my age but still, I don't look like I did when in my 20s or even 30s. I don't even look quite as I did 9 years ago when we met, neither does he. But we are so in love with who each one of us is on the inside, that it doesn't matter any more what the outside looks are and we still are attracted to the looks even thought they have changed. I go into this because whether you end up with this guy or another, do not ever stay with a man who isn't satisfied with your looks and wants you to change for him, ie getting your nose done, changing hair color, losing weight, getting a boob job. Other than the losing weight, I heard all the rest from my ex. He was a person who couldn't be pleased no matter what. So if as you get to know this guy in dance class, he starts hanging with you more,, showing interest and then going on dates, at any point it seems his interest is only skin deep, test him to be sure. Don't do your hair or wear makeup to the next date, wear the outfit that makes it look like you gained weight and see if he is as eager to spend time with you and doesn't comment on how bad you look. This is a way you can be sure, when he is comfortable enough with you to spill the truth of how he feels because guys don't think you would ever leave him at the point they believe you've fallen hard for them, no matter how badly they treat you.

So get over your fear to approach first. Give him the chance to get to know your personality a bit from chatting and he will decide if he also likes you enough from conversation and wants to get to know you even better. You should do the same. If two people want to spend time together, even date, and call each other bf/gf, it doesn't mean that you are totally sure each is right for the other. Dating is The way to find out if the person is someone you can see yourself growing old and gray with, the life long thing, with or without a marriage certificate. At any point in getting to know for sure, you can end up breaking things off and so could he. So don't assume because he wants to go on a date that he is falling for you yet. You already have your own opinion of him being hot and cold and you need to get the chance to see what he is really like. As for too early for a connection, hon there are some levels of connection. These happen beyond being attracted to looks. People connect on a mind level, liking how the other thinks, what is funny to them, their ability to be serious when it is called for but also able to laugh at themselves and with others, and how they reason or see the world, etc.

Another level people can connect on is their heart. The heart has the ability to love another person but the process of what needs to happen so the other falls in love with not just your mind or looks but your heart, is special too. The heart is where our emotions come from, happy, sad, able to emphasize with others, caring, wanting to help, so this would include not just what they think but their actions behind their thoughts. A guy can say he loves you but words are cheap and the only way to know for sure if a guy loves you is by his actions. Is he thinking of you first, doing little things for you that you could do yourself, proud to introduce you to family and wanting to show you off to friends, and so on.

People today have lost the ability to pick up on clues from a persons action whether they are interested, and have no idea how to hold a conversation face to face. All they know is texting which is the worst way to try to start a relationship or keep one going. The levels I mentioned take being in person together a lot. So I will teach you something important right now about looking at people and smiling. A smile comes up on a subconscious level. People do not think, I want to smile, it just happens. A smile means a person is showing you that they are friendly and approachable and would like to meet you and talk. This does not mean you jump way ahead in your thinking and think a person wants to be your best friend or a marriage partner. So as to his interest right now, yes he is interested. If a male finds a particular look not interesting to him, would he honestly look at the gal a lot and smile alot. A smile could encourage a gal he doesnt like by looks, to walk up and start talking to him and that is a situation men want to avoid. A hustler type of guy won't wait for you to pick up on this clue and will brashly walk over, assuming if he hits on you, you will fall into his arms and fall in love. A gentleman, makes his initial interest know in wanting to meet and get to know her better, but in case she does not feel a mutual physical attraction, he leaves it up to her to make the first move. This is the only way someone who doesn't know you, can guess that you are also physically attracted or not. If you never approach him, at some point he may give up thinking you do not feel the same way he does attraction wise and he'll leave you alone, and be vulnerable to the next female he meets that attraction with and since he believes that by you never having approached him that you are not ever going to be a possible date, he starts dating the first woman who confirms she is attracted to him as well. So don't throw away a chance that might work out. You have plenty stuff to talk about related to class, to a certain dance, to teachers in the class for conversation openers. If the teacher is in a bad mood one day, when you dance with him or have a chance to get close, you start off with a comment to him like, "Gee, I wonder what got into him today. He's not himself, don't you think so?" Now he has to comment back. Then you can say, "I feel silly being in this class so long with you and never introducing myself. HI, my name is ...." Believe me, I have been around people whom I have never talked to and at some point since I see them so often it starts to feel weird that we have never talked so I start up a conversation and introduce myself and ask their names. I have admitted feeling silly not talking before and no one ever thinks that is weird or stupid but are actually glad you spoke up. It works the same to make friends. About 90% of people are friendly with only 10 % anti social so you have great chances of having a friendly response. Also I have found that most friendly people, even those adults who are way older, just will not start a conversation first. I have no clue what they are afraid of but I have yet to start up a chat with a stranger who doesn't respond with a smile, say thank you to a compliment or start a full conversation back.
He is interested. SO approach him and talk. He is waiting for you to do so, so he will not see it as weird that you waited so long, just being glad you finally did.

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I didn’t feel good at all today and i wanted my dad to come pick me up. He told me to go to the nurse and get my temperature checked first and i lied to him and told Him that I did, which i didn’t. When I walked to the office he asked me so you’re telling me that you went to the nurse and your temp was 100 degrees” i tried to cover up my lie but then the office assistant called the nurse and she said that she saw nobody that day. I knew immediately that i was busted and burst into tears. I felt so guilty and scared for the consequences. He told me in the car to never lie to him again which i immediately agreed with considering how scared i was. He dropped me off at home and headed back to work. I’m extremely anxious for my mom and dad to come back home because i know what i did was wrong and i don’t want to loose their trust. What should I say to hopefully not get any consequences and not make them even more mad than they already are? :(

Karen is right about the temperature thing. You need to realize what you were actually doing, the lie is a result of your thoughts.
You could have thought any of the following that would lead you to say a lie: I am afraid that since he asked me to get my temperature checked that if it was normal, he would tell me to stay in school and refuse to pick me up. I just want to go home in the shortest amount of time possible and don't want to even take the time to get my temperature checked. I don't like a parent needing to take time from work to come pick me up and believed that since I was asked if I had a temp, that Dad would think anything less to not be important enough to drag him away from his job. Any of those or other thought processes could easily lead you to telling a lie.

What you are doing, distorted thoughts, is something all people do, its just that some believe it so strongly they're always fearing the worst which affects their life in a bad way. It is also choosing to act like a psychic reader/fortune teller, predicting the ultimate future of any situation, which also predicts exactly what another person will say, do, feel or think. Unless we have that trait, letting our fears dictate making up a lie to get what we want will always lead to more trouble for you or with other relationships you have, and family are relationships too. YOu sound like me. I almost never disobeyed my parents. It never occurred to me to defy them. But when asked a question i had not anticipated that I felt would result in me looking bad or not getting something I wanted, I had probably 2 or 3 times in my entire teen life that I told a lie and then felt as scared and bad as You did. I know that your parents must know like mine did, that you are a very good daughter and person in general and they are proud of you and love you. You are never trouble to them. So they likely see this one event as nothing to be concerned by, they are simply trying to teach you important things about being a happy, successful good adult someday, Its starts with learning some of these things as children and teens already, not later when turning adult. So I would believe your parents to not be really strongly upset with you or your relationship with them damaged. This is just normal slight nudging and adjusting done to behaviors of ones children. Thats how it was for me with my own kids. The only thing that was different, is that there was much more explaining and sharing of what ones thoughts or fears were. Communication could have avoided this problem from happening. So in your own words, you might talk to both parents asking them for more information in the future because you need it so you won't believe wrongly or the opposite of anything situation outcome. Mom will have no problem as most women are more into sharing vast detailed where a male will make a request that seems to have no base in applying at all to the current situation. My husband does it all the time and I do not try to guess what he's getting at or saying, I simply ask. This is one of the differences between both sexes. What I end up doing with my husband is asking him why he is asking me that particular question. He usually refuses to answer me and simply asks me to answer his question or do the favor he asked. I am only trying to cut time when he'd rather spend 20 minutes searching for an item, finally giving up and asking me if I know where it is, and I do and in the quarter of a second I point, he has the item he could have had 20 minutes ago. I don't know why it is so, but it just is, and this falls under the 'men don't ask for directions'. Probably something with having to prove themselves, they feeling compelled to show what they are able to do, very capable at, so even if they need help, the desire to appear worthy and not lacking to their mate or their family or friends, will cause males to act like this which females see as being stubborn. If we understand where others are coming from and why they might even ask a certain question, that is a good thing.

So Dad did not realize that his asking you to get your temperature checked might have been out of his concern for you, wanting to know how serious this may be, since he loves you very much and the phrase, "just not feeling good" is not enough information to satisfy the mans need for being able to process whether there is something they can do to help or help. Men like being asked to help. It's possible this was his intent. But it is easy for a teen to misinterpret why he asked, thinking he figures anything with a fever is worthy of going home early and anything else isn't, why else would he ask if I had a fever? See, the guessing or predicting the reason why he asked in the first place? You would have to promise to not jump to conclusions first but will ask for more information and you will need the parents to each be patient with you and explain when you ask for clarifications. Such a thing would look like this: Dad: his thoughts (assuming you were just feeling bad but had not gone to the nurse yet) So have you gone to the school nurse yet to have your temperature checked? You: your thoughts (what if this was cramps due to a bad period, I am too embarrassed to tell him that so he really shouldn't be asking if I have a fever, cus periods don't cause a fever. I think his question of qualifying whether I am sick enough to leave school early with fever is not fair. So you said, yes I went to see her and I had a temperature. (there, now I have given him the info he wanted to know to qualify me for going home early. That would be what the nurse should decide,, that's her job, to decide if you are sick enough to go home. The trick is learning to go through the proper channels. For you, this would mean, not leaving school, making the decision for the school nurse, bypassing her and deciding that you know best that you need to go home, is a way of skipping past a person, usually someone with the training or a position above you. An example in adult life is having an issue at work and instead of talking to your department manager, you never give him/her a chance and skip over them, maybe past their boss to complain to the owner of the company. This is fast way to get in trouble or offend people or make them angry and possibly in some cases, lose the job. So it is best to go through proper channels and let the nurse see you first next time. If your school rotates a nurse as was done in my local schools and she divided time between two or three schools, then a nurse may not always be available and if that is the case, your parents need to know that ahead of time, before you felt badly the next time that you can't always go see the nurse. YOu may also share with Mom that if you were hurting bad from period cramps, or bleeding too heavy for pads or tampons to hold for barely half an hour, those are reasons for a girl to go home and not have to share if embarrassed with a male member of the family or any male for that matter. I didn't get over fear of mentioning the word itself to a boyfriend until I was about 19. Guys are understanding and it doesn't bother them hearing it mentioned, they realize it is a part of life for girls. It just is a fact of life. So the problem is period would be more your lack of comfort level. I wouldn't force anyone to share such info with a Dad. I couldn't when I was a teen and I know many others feel the same. So if you ever call or have the nurse call, all he needs to know is that you are not feeling well. If there is a specific complaint you have, a splitting headache, you fell and sprained a wrist or ankle, something you can share specific about, then 'feeling bad' should be assumed by Dad in future to have the following apply, head cold, fever, period related issues or pain. If you had simply asked, "Dad, why do you ask me to get my temperature from the nurse? Not all reasons for not feeling well have a fever as a symptom." "Oh, you're right. Well, I was just worried how serious this is, and wondering if you can leave on your own or need to have the nurse excuse you from attending the rest of the day." "Oh, well, No I haven't seen the nurse and (if this applies)I don't have to see a nurse to leave early if I am not feeling well. Or if you don't but forgot or werent intending to see her, "Oh, thanks for mentioning that. I was feeling so bad, I didn't even think of seeing her yet. Do you want me or her to call you back?" Maybe Dad would believe the nurse, a health professional before you might believe anyone else who may be blowing a situation out of proportion. Teens don't do not much but little kids sure do. I remember telling people that the little snipping of skin to release an infection, I said was the Dr. cutting my whole finger off. I wouldn't even look at that hand for fear I might not see the finger there. Parents sometimes forget that they have a teen they can trust to not do such things. I hope this has helped some. Decide what it is you want to talk to your parents about this. A good start is to explain what you were thinking, letting Dad know exactly how you took what he said and your line of thinking regarding that, which led to the lie in the first place. You reassuring them you don't want to ever lie to them again is a good thing too. But remind them that at your age, you are still learning how to assert yourself in conversation and need to feel free and welcomed in asking them questions or for information you need to be comfortable in deciding what to say or do next. I think Mom will understand this best being female. Dad will just have to trust her that this is a reasonable request as it will prevent future situations where you panic and say a lie.
I can tell you right now that if you ask the parents for a private chat with them (if there are siblings) and you share this and make your request, they will see this as a very grown up thing you are doing. It shows them that you have learned from your mistake and that is what all humans role in life is, to learn from their mistakes or gain a conscience, to be able to recognize when they need to make some correcting moves. I am a parent and can tell you this speaks loudly to a parent, the fact that you want to talk about a plan to avoid having this happen in the future again. Until you are 25 or so, the pre frontal cortex in the brain is not mature. When not totally done growing until so much later, your judgements and actions will not always be the best and you make silly errors like this. I don't think you are a bad person hon. I can identify with you when I was that age. You are a good daughter and ultimately want to please the parents and make them proud of you and you couldn't live with the fact if they were no longer proud of you. So I remind my adult children all the time of why I am proud of them. I just did that with my daughter and son in law, seeing on how they communicate with a 19 month old child. They teach her to not start screaming if frustrated but to ask for help or what she needs. Tho not best pronounced yet, I understood her clearly.
dn

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Dear Reader,
Hello. Right now, in middle school, I have 3 friends. We used to hang out a lot together, but one of my friends don't want to hang out with my other two friends. My friend is sensitive and kind, so I know how this feels for her. My other two friends are crazy fun and they cuss. A lot. I really want to hang out with my friend, but every time I say hi to her or stop by, my other two friends follow me. I just really want to hang out with my friend alone. I'm not sure if my friend dislikes me, because every time I ask her if she's mad at me, she says no. I love all my friends dearly and I do not want to break our friendship. Should I be her friend, or should I not be her friend and be my other friends' friend?

First, I'd like to explain something about friends, or even dating relationships later, and that would be regarding liking people for different traits in personality. You can like people who are total opposites, have nothing in common. I will try even better. YOu be letter C, the sensitive friend is A, and the other two are B's. C should not have to decide between being friends with A or B's. C can like A for being sensitive and kind and thoughtful and sweet. Then for excitement, she can like the B's for being more out there, louder, taking risks, willing to go past boundaries or break the rules or simply talk potty talk all day. All you get older, at some point in life, you will decide which type of friend personality suits you better. I had friends in Middle and HS that were not as close to me because we were so very different. I was closest with those more like me so it is easy to see why you may prefer being with A without the B's around. Very likely, there is more of what she is like, within you rather than what the other two are like.
In school,where you are on public property, anyone can be there and go where they wish, so if the B's are following AC, they can't be stopped. But they can choose to understand you want to see A and Bs separately. So this would mean finding time to spend with A away from school, like on weekends After homework unless you both have same classes and wish to study together.
When there is a delicate situation like this, I will lie, to keep from hurting the feelings of people. In such a case, I feel that the ultimate concern of wanting to protect others in that way is the higher level or goal so lying in this case is not a horrible thing.

The lie I usually tell when trying to keep peace between opposing people, those wanting you to take sides or having to gently corrrect one person who is doing something destructive to my relationship with her. People do not like being corrected by their peers or others even younger than them. It feels embarassing. So I feel if you make the issue about you, as in you are the one with the problem, then no one is hurt and you should be able to get what you want, private time with A and with B's.

Here is how I envision such a conversation. You can say whatever your 'made up' issue is but this is one example: To the B's you say, "Hey, I 'm gonna be brave and share something. Maybe you can help me. You know that both A and you B's are friends with me. I don't know if you see it but it is very obvious to me that she and you are very different types of people and I like you all for your different traits for my own reasons. The problem is that I get anxious and up tight when I spend time hanging with all of you at the same time. It is irritating to me because I feel like I want to act more like you when I hang around you B's but when I hang with A at the same time, and her being so different, I keep flopping back in forth in my mind, thoughts and actions of more like her, more like you and it just gets to me. So I would like to ask that I spend time only with you two or her, not at three at the same time as I can't handle it."

Teens have so many phobia's naturally at this age and older that it will sound plausible and they won't figure you are making this up. You want them to understand if they see you with A, that they automatically not join in. If they see you with her but need to talk to you for a minute, like arranging when to see you later, and you ask them to stop you and say, hey can I talk to you for a minute, share whatever it is, and then release you to go back to A and they leave the two of you.
You don't have to say anything to A. I would counsel you don't because if she is a sensitive touchy feely type, she may take offense to you making up a fib. Best to play the one with the issue, keep everyone happy to still be friends with you and you getting what you want. Now is not the time to choose between friends but think about what you like and don't like in friends. YOu will use the same technique when dating, as to what traits you like and don't like in a bf. If there is reason to break up, you never settle for the next person being the same or a step worse than your ideals. Instead you always go for a step better. If you start dating a guy and after a short while you see things in him you don't like and you've only been together a week or longer, the best excuse, (another lie to protect you from those with anger problems) is telling the guy something about you as an issue rather than him. I have done this after a divorce, when dating, as an adult and it works great. I simply say, I am sorry, now that I've spent time in your presence, as nice as you are, I don't feel any chemistry with you so I am going to have to end this. Guys are able to process this reason without becoming emotionally out of hand. If you say they just don't meet your standards, you will not only hurt their feelings but may make them angry and retaliative. Remember in life, If you have to lie,, let it be only for a good reason and it usually has to do with keeping a good relationship with one person or keeping two forces from fighting each other. Good luck Hon.

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For a year know I have wanted a boys haircut! But my mom will never let me get one. She can’t accept that this is the way I want to look (more like a boy). How can I talk to her so that she will understand where I’m coming from, and let my get my hair cut. My mom isn’t very gentil and I feel she doesn’t care about my happiness. Help!

She may think she cares about your happiness but not realize what she is doing is the opposite. So don't accuse her of this in case she doesn't realize it, that will only make things worse between you. I don't know if she is homophobic, or afraid of anything and anyone who is transgender, but I can see such a person having such fears for her own daughter if she's not okay with that all and daughter wanting a boys haircut. My husbands daughter is an adult and married and would have beautiful thick curly hair like her dad but once she hit puberty, she couldn't stand it anymore and wears her hair very short. So whether gay, transgender or hetero and simply liking short hair, there is nothing wrong with it. Generally, most women have mostly long to short hair but not like an inch or less all the way around. If that is what you mean, and currently have long hair, that may be too extreme for mom to get used to. If you are a teen, you may have to wait until you are 18 and an adult and can make this decision without any fear of what the parents will do. If you are 18 or older, this is your choice and not Mom's business. I am a parent and one day when you are too you will understand that once your minor child becomes an adult, there are few to no books or classes training adults who were parents of minors for 18 years on how to transition to being the parent of an adult child, or heck even a teen in training to be an adult. This decision of how to cut or wear your hair is one such thing a parent can give you the choice to make where no matter the outcome, its not a big deal as you can always grow it out later. I had an young adult daughter who told me she wanted to get her eyebrows pierced. I told her I didn't mind if she did. I would support her and love her no matter what. However I shared some advice, situations she wasn't looking ahead to outcomes about. She was searching for work and if an employer told her they wouldn't hire her due to the piercings, then she may lose out on a good job. Thats exactly what happened. SHe got the piercings, interviewed with Victorias Secret and they said if she got rid of the piercings, then they'd hire her because her personality was exactly what they were looking for. So she spent money that was wasted because she took the job.

I am sad to say that most parents will not stop to listen to any reasoning from their children. Its a superiority complex. I did pretty well, maybe only 1 time out of 10, not listening at first to my child trying to explain, at any age, young or teen. Of course I apologized when I realized I had acted superior. A hair cut is such a little thing. It is not something a parent should even make a big deal of. So you have an aunt or grandma who is more open minded and close to you? If you do, it is a good thing to tell this person what is going on and to pave the way for you with Mom. A parent will receive the same info from an adult but not from their child. I guess its because we think we know better and having someone challenge what we say, makes us look bad, a human fault dear, but no one likes to feel like they are wrong or being chastised for their decision. And even if that isn't your purpose, to make your Mom feel bad, she will feel that because her own distorted thoughts would cause her to feel this way and at that point, it is an angry no to you. If you have no one, not even a Dad to talk to her on your behalf, then you will have to say something. Remind her that you are the good daughter and student in all ways, working hard at grades, doing everything else she asks of you. That there are girls your age who totally defy their parents on everything, playing hooky from school, going to keggers, having sex with a boyfriend, and on. Of course use examples that you do not currently do. And if you are going against Mom on some things, you may want to reconsider because being grounded indefinitely is not fun. You show her pictures in magazines of what you are talking about, just in case her idea of short is different from what your idea of short is. If she says the photo of what you want is too extreme, you might try to settle for a compromise, shorter than it is now but longer than you wanted it, something she'd be okay with to some extent. This gives she the chance to get used to you with hair shorter than it normally is without the extreme at first. I don't know how fast your hair grows out but in a couple months you could go get the hair cut a little shorter and keep doing this over a period of time. She may still come unglued at some point or given the chance to get used to it slowly, she may have no reaction at all. Of course, if you are too chicken for this and need a scapegoat for the shorter cut, then you might have to wait til your not so short cut grew out to the point it truly needs a trim and then go to a hair stylist shop that she doesn't, tell them what you want and get your short cut. When Mom sees you and is shocked, you then tell her that you asked only for a trim but the lady kept cutting away. Except for one person, every hair cutter I'd ever been to cut my hair too short, its like they go scissor happy and pretend to hear what you want but then decide on their own whats best for you. They cut 10 inches of hair off my husband who only wanted 2 or 3 inches of dead ends and such trimmed off to look nice for a daughters wedding. The lady took off all of it except an inch all around. It was not at all what he wanted. You say Mom would never let you get short hair. But I can't be sure you have even asked and had this idea shot down.So if you haven't said anything yet, let her know what you are thinking and show her examples of what you are talking about. If its too extreme for her, then go for a compromise for a while, without letting on that you will cut in shorter later. I was open minded so when one daughter wanted the ends of her long hair dyed a bright lime green as we saw a female in a band have her hair except the ends were neon pink, I had to agree it did look very eye catching, but it wasn't something I would do with my hair, however if the daughter wanted to try it, it's not permanent like a tattoo so for self expression, it was harmless. SHe wore her hair that way for 2 or 3 years before cutting off what was left of the dyed ends she had redyed a few times. Not every Mom is as easy but hopefully even a talk about it not being something permanent like a tattoo will help.

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Ok, so I’m walking out of school as I do everyday, and these 2 guys (let’s call them K and M) are in front of me. Then K turns around and starts laughing towards M asking him to turn around as well. M turns around and tells me to fuck off because I’m apparently being a weirdo. K asks me why I’m looking at M, and whether it’s because I’m attracted to him or not (I’m a heterosexual Male), I shake my head, but they still accuse me of being weird and ask me to give away even though I’m simply making my way out of school. Cunts.

How do I avoid this from happening again?

Often, school age people do not have the ability to put themselves in the other persons shoes yet. This ability will not emerge until a persons mid twenties, when choice making and judgements are finally better because the brain part responsible for the good behavior is finally done growing. I can't say why they are doing it, maybe because of something they heard that another person totally made up. I was simply socially anxious and got picked on like this just for being quiet and confused and not knowing how to respond. There is always the slight chance that people wanting to befriend someone and not knowing how to do it, will tease or make fun of the other, much like little boys who like a girl are more likely to treat her badly to give her attention, rather than treat her nicely. I know it doesn't make sense but a good majority of males are like that. If this is what they are doing with you, either they are laughing and smiling while doing this or they never smile, are serious, look mean or angry or formidable and only laugh at the end in a mean manner. The latter are just bullies and can't be reasoned with, and it is best to walk in the opposite direction as soon as possible. You can turn on your cell and start recording at least what they are saying as proof to give the school counselors regarding what they are doing if it doesn't stop. I had trouble when young starting already in grade school, with how to tell if one was teasing or trying to be mean. I took all teasing as being mean. Today as an older adult I know what the two differences look like. So Its like I automatically gauge quickly that they are friendly so I will usually repeat whatever silly nonsensical thing they said to start a conversation and add something to it. I will give an example, Lets say I sit in Starbucks next to someone and they are eating cookies. They give a mean face and say, "Don't touch those cookies, or you will lose a finger." NOw I am minding my own business, have made no move or comment towards the person and they had no reason to say such a thing, so I deduct that this sad example is their way of trying to start a short chat with the person sitting next to them. I would immediately do something like make a face and bat my eyes at them and say, "Really, not even one, especially if I bat my eyes at you?" Yeah, corny, like what they said but people usually chuckle at this point and start talking normal and having a convo, introducing themselves. Even at 60, I still meet some real weirdos out there who try to start a convo with a stranger with something odd like this. People like someone who can make them laugh. But some peoples idea of what is funny is not at all. Since I wasn't there to witness this, I can't tell you what I think, if they were simply being dick-heads, or in a bizarre way were trying to start a conversation and try to get to know you enough to see if they might like you as a friend. In HS, it's more often still simply being a dickhead rather than trying to start a conversation and possibly make a friend. If there are any people that know these guys who happen to be friendly towards you, you could ask them to see if they were just screwing around and being idiots or really meant it, or it meant nothing. They may know and that way you'd know whether there may be more of this coming and how to respond. Good luck

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I’m a seventeen year old whos a senior in high school I suffer from a bad case I’ve social anxiety it’s my last year of high school and it’s almost over and I want to get if my shell and make some friends but I’ve tried everything I try to focus on other people, I try to make eye contact and smile at people but I just ends up being creepy, I try to compliment people’s outfits and ask questions, I even take medicine for anxiety but nothing works. I don’t know what to do I know people aren’t really focusing on me and they are focused on there own lives but I can’t help being anxious. If you could give me some advice I would really appreciate it

It was the end of my last yr HS when I decided I wanted to do something about it. What I will share with you sounds like bits and pieces of what you have tried. So it may not help but how I was cured, was following a step by step process at my own pace til I was comfortable enough and successful at the current step before moving on to the next. What I did was information I got from God in prayer. However, for most folks, I wanted to have something I could say wasn't from God for those who are not spiritual or religious. I checked out books from various Psychologist at my library. I was shocked when reading a book by Dr. David D. Burns. What he had as the cure for social anxiety was pretty much exactly what I did. So you can rest assured that what I share of what I did to overcome mine did work.I will post the website of that Dr as it will be encouraging to you. The methods he started with are not medicine but CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. For the very few who may not respond to this therapy he created another step but I'd have to say it takes finding a Dr. trained in CBT who knows this stuff to help you in ways that really apply to you and your unique situation. Here it is: https://feelinggood.com

Overcoming Social Anxiety

I used to be so shy I wouldn't get up to use the pencil sharpener in grade school because I didn't want the other kids to stare at me. I refused to do book reports for fear of speaking in front of the class. So my grades would suffer. In contrast, my dad was a very friendly extroverted person and always bringing home new friends he had made. Us kids liked it cus these “uncles” would bring candy for us and many had accents from around the world with lots of interesting stories too.

It took until I was about 17 before I decided I was sick and tired of being so shy. I didn't have the guts to just switch behavior and start talking. Strange how I never thought to talk to my dad about that and get help from him. So I prayed and asked God for help (He knows each of us better than anyone )
and here's the answers I got. It sure helped me and I know it will help you. You can skip any steps you already have mastered.
None of this involves using people you already know because you already have some comfort level there For this exercise, you will have to drop the teaching, “Never talk to strangers”. Just use common sense and talk to people in public places where other people are around and don't go off alone with anyone. So here's your lesson.

1. Smile at strangers every day as you come across them. When you are comfortable with this, move on to step 2
2. Smile and add saying hello to people you don't know. This is already harder because your mind will be going, "They're gonna think I'm nuts cus I am saying hi and they dont even know me." When you can do this without feeling awkward or shy, move to step 3
3. Smile and say hi to and then pay a compliment to another person you don't know. It could be telling the grocery clerk you love her necklace. Keep paying compliments to people until you can do so without being fearful of their reaction or simply the act of doing it.
4. Smile, say Hi, and start a conversation with a stranger. Here's an example. When I'd be at a clothing rack and another woman was there...no matter her age, I would make a comment to her about the clothing. I'd pull something off the rack and ask what she thinks of it for me.
Keep trying statements with a question to get responses from a person. If they don't open up and start responding and sharing some of their story or thoughts then they are part of the 10 % of people who are hermit like and don't like being around people or talking to them. I took a class that taught about personality types and discovered that 90% of people are very friendly but almost all of that 90% will not start conversation first. If you can learn to start conversation first, in every situation, you will find that the majority of people respond in a very friendly and supportive way. They won't find the fact that you start talking too weird. Once they figure you're a naturally friendly person you will see them willingly respond back and share bits and pieces of information and such.
I was trying to pick ripe but not over ripe melon one time when an older woman was tapping and listening to the melons. I asked what she was doing and she explained that there is a certain sound it makes so I learned something. Later we bump into each other in another aisle, and I say, "Well Hello again!" Her response, "Hello again. Do you use coupons?" "Sometimes." "Do you buy this product," she shows me something in her cart, "Yes I do." "Well I happen to have a coupon for a great deal on it if you'd like," and without waiting for my response reaches into pocket and hands it to me. You'd be amazed at the conversation you could have with people and be able to share helpful info with them or vice versa. And sometimes in the conversing you may find people who you have some things in common with and you decide to keep in touch with and exchange cell numbers and /or get their name for facebook friending. Once you are comfortable with talking to one person, then its a small matter to talk to groups of people.

If you followed this slowly at your own pace until you are totally comfortable with a step before moving on, then it should work for you. But in case it doesn't, then you will need to search for Drs in your area that do CBT. Many put that info in their ads because they know it is something specific people look for. Once you find those who do this type of work, then ask if they take your insurance. Those that do, or the one you choose, you share that info. with your primary care Dr. to write a referral for you to that Dr so insurance will cover it. YOu might check ahead of doing all this with insurance to see under what circumstances they will cover visits to a Dr. If you are on anxiety medicine, unless you did not respond to several non medicine treatments first, then I highly doubt your Dr. even does that kind of work and according to Dr. Burns, the majority of people with anxieties, phobia's and depression, no matter what kinds, almost all will respond to the non medicine treatment. In fact he used to only believe in medicine to treat symptoms, believing the person couldn't be cured. His colleagues heard of it decades ago and told him. He finally agreed to try it on some of his patients who didn't respond well to medication and they were cured. So he began to study this all until he was the leading teacher of psychology Drs. and author of books to help those who wanted to try self help first or merely for the encouragement that there is a cure. I certainly can say it is so wonderful to be free of anxieties. I in no way resemble the quiet loner, person who rarely talked to others, etc. In fact at my last yr 4oth HS reunion, only two of those I thought of as outgoing in school are the same today. All the others I thought were really outgoing were in fact not, they still have some social anxieties at their age. If I wanted to talk to and catch up with people or make new friends, I could not wait for someone to walk up to me. So I did what I am now comfortable at, approaching people and starting conversation. Do not practice getting comfortable only talking with peers at school dear. I did say strangers or non friends. But if it is a teen you see waiting in line for a movie, someone whom you don't know, that would work great as well as any cashiers, customers at any place you go, neighbors you don't really know at all except by sight that they are neighbors, I think you get the picture. So if a student in your school is not a friend and someone you are comfortable with,(I had two close friends and that was it and one has Aspergers really bad so it was irritating at times but two misfits so to speak, we fit together as friends) they can be in a class with you but the two of you have never spoken so this too would work well for your retraining.
Good luck.

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My friend started dating a girl who he has likes for over a year. They started dating and broke up recently. He thinks there is a chance they can get back together, and doesn't know the real reason they broke up. While he thinks there is a chance to get back together, the girl says she lost interest in him. Should I tell him that the girl is not interested in him anymore?

Since he is a friend, it is not the same as sharing info with someone who doesn't know you at all. In that case, it is just passing on gossip. The only thing that is not clear is how you came to know this. If it came straight from her to you, then it is not some one else possibly twisting the story or telling a lie. If you heard from some one else, don't say anything. This is what celebrities face every day, the media printing all sorts of untruths about them simply because some person other than the celeb themselves shared. So if she told you, then go ahead and tell him what she told you. If this is what she did, she probably knows he still has interest in her and is too chicken to tell him herself so she is putting the information out there by telling other people, hoping the message will leak back to him. As his friend, you are making sure he finds out sooner than later. If he doesn't believe you even if its the truth according to the girl, then the choice is his whether to waste his time still trying to pursue her or giving up. It does not reflect on you if he doesn't want to believe it. If all was going well and she suddenly broke up, he most definitely will be thinking it was some little thing that he needs to correct to be in her good graces again.

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I am a 29 year old female and I got a new job . I Start working at the Library tomorrow morning. I am nervous and excited. I waa just wondering what should I wear on my first day. They told me to dress like I was going to church on a Wednesday night . I went and bought some jeans with rhinestones on the back of them and a black sweatshirt with a bible verse on the front . Is this appropriate?

They should have clarified by giving examples because their idea of what to wear to church may be different from yours. For all I know, it may vary a little between libraries depending on who is in charge. When I used to work in a large office building, their dress code was no jeans at all, dress slacks, and no tee shirts or sweat shirts except for casual Friday and even then there was a dress code, no writing on the tee and no company ads, just plain tees.

If this library is a church library, a bible verse may be okay but if a public one, with no many non Christian faiths and believers who may use the library, they could be offended. I personally feel people are offended too easily but its a new job. The clothes though don't have to be new, just clean, no holes, and so second hand will also do. You might be able to use your current wardrobe but it may be too casual for their liking. If at all possible, call and ask what kinds of clothes to wear for the job and let them know what you would choose to wear and find out if thats appropriate. If you are too scared to ask, then bring a blouse and dress slacks along and if someone tells you what you're wearing is not with the dress code, go to your car get the other clothes and change in the restroom. I do not recall any library personel wearing jeans or sweattops at my local library. Just dress slacks, nice tops or blouse and blazer. But yours may be different. So its best to ask for some examples and let them know what you are thinking of wearing and if that would meet their dress code.

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So, I applied for this hard core fancy school I guess and I really just joined to make my mom proud and i felt obligated in a way. In my heart, I do not think I am eligible for the school’s system and will not pass the test they require. On the same day of the test, I have a volleyball tournament and I missed on the week before and feel I will lose playtime or even my position. It may sound self fish or that I put sports over education but I am just very confused. I don’t know what I should do and could really used advice.

Some parenting are controlling and others, while not controlling, in their want of the best for you, will act extremely pushy to steer you in a direction they feel is best and be tempted to make decisions or lets call it very strong suggestions since they fear you may be too young yet to make good ones on your own. To some extent, this is scientifically true with scientists proving that the pre frontal lobe of the brain responsible for good decision making isn't fully mature until your reach your mid twenties or a bit later. So decision making can be compromised.

I am guessing your parents are supportive and love you lots and only want the best for you. Your decision to do this to make Mom proud is a good thing, wanting to make her proud. You simply chose something that you don't like. The best is making your parents proud by accomplishing more with your life than they ever did, using your talents, doing a job you love so you live your life being passionate about your work. You CAN make the parents proud of you by choosing a path you really want to be one, not one you take reluctantly. The reluctant path will cause you to not really put your heart into whatever it is so you don't do as well or succeed at all and that will cause them to not feel pride in what you are doing. I have pride in my children for simple things, and simply because they do these things really well. Without prompting from me, I watch one daughter raising her child doing the same things that I did, natural nurturing nature, and she is doing it so well, that I am proud of her. Another is dedicated to her job in a metaphysical book store gift shop, has control of the ordering of new things to try for the childrens section of the store, and is now a Yoga instructor and does really well there and in her musical abilities. Neither has made a fortune or gone to college. But I am very proud of them.
On another note, as far as qualifying for the school, even if your grades and such make you qualify, if this is the kind of school that wants to hear from you in person or in a letter as to why you want to attend there, they have to be convinced this is something you really want, to attend their college. So you may fail on that one note, if in your heart, you do not really wish to even attend the school at all.

As for volleyball, don't guess as to what will happen if you miss time again. The best thing is to call your coach and let them know you are very interested in still playing but that you have a test for the entrance into the college you applied at, that is if you still want to go If you have changed your mind, then call the college and cancel with them. Your coach will be understanding and let you know if not attending for this reason will drop playtime in the next game but it shouldn't threaten your position if you are good at it and have a passion for the game. Good players are important to your coach, players who have the time. If going to college is going to affect your ability to play on this team, I wonder if you have checked out college where you can play volleyball at. Plenty of students get into college because they play a sport in the name of that college. The worst then would be having to quit the team you are on and starting on the one in the college that you choose.
Rather than just attending a school to say you've done it, is there any degree you want to go after? If you don't even have any particular desire, then going just to please the parents will put tons of stress on you. You could suffer from stress related sicknesses and illness after some time too, with tension headaches being the most common, ulcers too or rashes, migraines and such as lesser common and I suffered all in a stressful time of my life. Do not worry about disappointing your Mom. Mom is perhaps going to have trouble adjusting from being a parent of a minor to a parent of an adult child. Most parents have trouble with it and don't always say and do the right things. She needs to take herself and her wishes out of the loop and think about what it right for you, or the best life experiences for now to help you make some of your future decisions. A parent like this will know all your talents and be suggesting possible vocations in which your natural talents will shine and you can still earn a decent living. They will build you up, not want to tear down all your ideas. Most of all, they stop teaching you and become your sounding board for advice. You won't likely listen to only what I say because right now at your age, this is time where you need to gather information from several sources and the parents are usually the best. IF they know you are going to follow only that what your heart is into, they will want your happiness. Even if it doesn't measure up to what they wished for in their minds, they will want to help give advice so you can make the better decision based off all the advice you collect. Your life is just starting, their adult life is almost half way over. So don't let what they never accomplished be something you feel pressured into doing for them so they can live their dreams through your life. They need to live their dreams through their own life and you follow and live your dreams to the best of your ability.

You might have a talk with Mom. Let her know how you feel and that you are in the process of collecting insights from other people as well and will make a decision after you feel you have enough information to decide what you want to do for a vocation let alone with school to attend.

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My mother gets angry very easily, and yells and screams at me and my younger brother almost every day, although it is more often at me. I did do something wrong, but it is often very trivial (or at least I think so), like me leaving my sweater on the floor and forgetting to pick it up. She often says derogatory things to me, things like, "You don't deserve this", or "When you grow up, you'll become a stupid, useless, lazy person." She gets in my face a lot, but it has never escalated to anything physical. However, there are times when she is kind, and although she never apologizes for screaming at me, it's not like I have a bad life. My family is well-off, and I'm grateful for that so I feel a little guilty writing this. I know she cares, but it's getting a little too much to handle her moods. Even when me and my mother are having a normal conversation, it often quickly escalates to her yelling at me or calling me fat or telling me my future is going nowhere. I want to know, does this count as verbal abuse?

Yes hon, that is verbal abuse. I lived through it myself so I should know. Although in my case, it wasn't a parent but the man I married. I don't know your age. I assume you still live at home since you are a minor or are older but choose to stay for the financial stability. In this case, you can't have both, as in no verbal abuse and financial stability. You have to pick which is more important to you. I will share that after too many years of such abuse, that it eventually being stressful, will affect your physical or mental health. I had a faith in God and that kept my mind safe but my stress went into every stress related issue, sickness or disease there is, headaches, migraines, body rashes, stomach ulcers, not healing well from injury, and it was a matter of time before stress created a heart attack or cancer. Besides other causes, prolonged stress is one cause of those two. I heard in prayer that if I did not leave in four years, at one point later on, that I would be dead from one of the two. I wanted very much to witness my adult children marry and become a grandma. So I decided that I had to think of myself first. There is no knight in shining armor who will rescue me, I had to do it and I did. I heard one person call me selfish and that hon is so far from the truth. You may not be religious but my best example is the scripture about loving ones neighbor as you love yourself. People stop at the love your neighbor part and focus on being receptive and caring about all humans you come across. That is actually backwards. The part about loving yourself has to come before being able to love anyone else. I learned this eventually. SO it is not selfish to be thinking of your own welfare when it comes to any kind of abuse. It is actually a must. I was shocked to learn that I didn't love myself 100% because of one thing, I was allowing myself to be abused this way by staying in my situation. I was an adult. I suspect you are not yet an adult but you can do something, you can talk to a counselor at school or school nurse. You give them the details as you gave me. They hear this stuff all the time and won't be shocked. They can help get help for your parents and most likely will contact a Child Protective service on your behalf. If there are siblings affected also, its best to give them a fighting chance to also have more normal lives. Don't be scared that your Mom or parents will be in trouble. I have such an experience with extended family and CPS. These days, they will do whatever they can to help the parent take care of what their problems are, become rehabilitated so the children can be returned to them. They only put kids in temporary foster care while parents area going through what ever it is they need. In my case, it is parents I know who both have severe mental health issues. Even with that, they got psych evaluations, parent training, anger management classes and whatever else was deemed as needed and then the kids returned. It didn't take but a handful of months. In some cases, the children are never removed from the home, but the parents still get help.

If anyone doesn't take you seriously when you mention this at school, all you have to say is that it is affecting your ability to do good at school, studying and in other areas of life. In school, if a childs ability to be a good student is being affected by something bad with the home life, they do take attention.
I hope this has helped you. If the parents never get much better, then you may want to make plans to start working as soon as you turn 18 and are a adult and can move out on your own. Find several kids who also want their independence and rent an apt. together. Getting away from your stress is more important because an eventually dead you, from the stress is not preferable to staying and starting college out of HS. You can always start college later or go to a trade school that takes less time and has a lack of employable trained people to fill empty job positions compared to the medical field or law field.

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