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Shyness
I’m a seventeen year old whos a senior in high school I suffer from a bad case I’ve social anxiety it’s my last year of high school and it’s almost over and I want to get if my shell and make some friends but I’ve tried everything I try to focus on other people, I try to make eye contact and smile at people but I just ends up being creepy, I try to compliment people’s outfits and ask questions, I even take medicine for anxiety but nothing works. I don’t know what to do I know people aren’t really focusing on me and they are focused on there own lives but I can’t help being anxious. If you could give me some advice I would really appreciate it
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Work/School Relationships?
Try some cognitive behavioral therapy for social anxiety from free work sheets online, or try exposure therapy for it. Start from the smallest progress you can do and start building up from there.
Try to look for a list of conversation questions online, or look for the website succeedsocially for even more good advice. You’re welcome.
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It was the end of my last yr HS when I decided I wanted to do something about it. What I will share with you sounds like bits and pieces of what you have tried. So it may not help but how I was cured, was following a step by step process at my own pace til I was comfortable enough and successful at the current step before moving on to the next. What I did was information I got from God in prayer. However, for most folks, I wanted to have something I could say wasn't from God for those who are not spiritual or religious. I checked out books from various Psychologist at my library. I was shocked when reading a book by Dr. David D. Burns. What he had as the cure for social anxiety was pretty much exactly what I did. So you can rest assured that what I share of what I did to overcome mine did work.I will post the website of that Dr as it will be encouraging to you. The methods he started with are not medicine but CBT, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. For the very few who may not respond to this therapy he created another step but I'd have to say it takes finding a Dr. trained in CBT who knows this stuff to help you in ways that really apply to you and your unique situation. Here it is: [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Overcoming Social Anxiety
I used to be so shy I wouldn't get up to use the pencil sharpener in grade school because I didn't want the other kids to stare at me. I refused to do book reports for fear of speaking in front of the class. So my grades would suffer. In contrast, my dad was a very friendly extroverted person and always bringing home new friends he had made. Us kids liked it cus these “uncles” would bring candy for us and many had accents from around the world with lots of interesting stories too.
It took until I was about 17 before I decided I was sick and tired of being so shy. I didn't have the guts to just switch behavior and start talking. Strange how I never thought to talk to my dad about that and get help from him. So I prayed and asked God for help (He knows each of us better than anyone )
and here's the answers I got. It sure helped me and I know it will help you. You can skip any steps you already have mastered.
None of this involves using people you already know because you already have some comfort level there For this exercise, you will have to drop the teaching, “Never talk to strangers”. Just use common sense and talk to people in public places where other people are around and don't go off alone with anyone. So here's your lesson.
1. Smile at strangers every day as you come across them. When you are comfortable with this, move on to step 2
2. Smile and add saying hello to people you don't know. This is already harder because your mind will be going, "They're gonna think I'm nuts cus I am saying hi and they dont even know me." When you can do this without feeling awkward or shy, move to step 3
3. Smile and say hi to and then pay a compliment to another person you don't know. It could be telling the grocery clerk you love her necklace. Keep paying compliments to people until you can do so without being fearful of their reaction or simply the act of doing it.
4. Smile, say Hi, and start a conversation with a stranger. Here's an example. When I'd be at a clothing rack and another woman was there...no matter her age, I would make a comment to her about the clothing. I'd pull something off the rack and ask what she thinks of it for me.
Keep trying statements with a question to get responses from a person. If they don't open up and start responding and sharing some of their story or thoughts then they are part of the 10 % of people who are hermit like and don't like being around people or talking to them. I took a class that taught about personality types and discovered that 90% of people are very friendly but almost all of that 90% will not start conversation first. If you can learn to start conversation first, in every situation, you will find that the majority of people respond in a very friendly and supportive way. They won't find the fact that you start talking too weird. Once they figure you're a naturally friendly person you will see them willingly respond back and share bits and pieces of information and such.
I was trying to pick ripe but not over ripe melon one time when an older woman was tapping and listening to the melons. I asked what she was doing and she explained that there is a certain sound it makes so I learned something. Later we bump into each other in another aisle, and I say, "Well Hello again!" Her response, "Hello again. Do you use coupons?" "Sometimes." "Do you buy this product," she shows me something in her cart, "Yes I do." "Well I happen to have a coupon for a great deal on it if you'd like," and without waiting for my response reaches into pocket and hands it to me. You'd be amazed at the conversation you could have with people and be able to share helpful info with them or vice versa. And sometimes in the conversing you may find people who you have some things in common with and you decide to keep in touch with and exchange cell numbers and /or get their name for facebook friending. Once you are comfortable with talking to one person, then its a small matter to talk to groups of people.
If you followed this slowly at your own pace until you are totally comfortable with a step before moving on, then it should work for you. But in case it doesn't, then you will need to search for Drs in your area that do CBT. Many put that info in their ads because they know it is something specific people look for. Once you find those who do this type of work, then ask if they take your insurance. Those that do, or the one you choose, you share that info. with your primary care Dr. to write a referral for you to that Dr so insurance will cover it. YOu might check ahead of doing all this with insurance to see under what circumstances they will cover visits to a Dr. If you are on anxiety medicine, unless you did not respond to several non medicine treatments first, then I highly doubt your Dr. even does that kind of work and according to Dr. Burns, the majority of people with anxieties, phobia's and depression, no matter what kinds, almost all will respond to the non medicine treatment. In fact he used to only believe in medicine to treat symptoms, believing the person couldn't be cured. His colleagues heard of it decades ago and told him. He finally agreed to try it on some of his patients who didn't respond well to medication and they were cured. So he began to study this all until he was the leading teacher of psychology Drs. and author of books to help those who wanted to try self help first or merely for the encouragement that there is a cure. I certainly can say it is so wonderful to be free of anxieties. I in no way resemble the quiet loner, person who rarely talked to others, etc. In fact at my last yr 4oth HS reunion, only two of those I thought of as outgoing in school are the same today. All the others I thought were really outgoing were in fact not, they still have some social anxieties at their age. If I wanted to talk to and catch up with people or make new friends, I could not wait for someone to walk up to me. So I did what I am now comfortable at, approaching people and starting conversation. Do not practice getting comfortable only talking with peers at school dear. I did say strangers or non friends. But if it is a teen you see waiting in line for a movie, someone whom you don't know, that would work great as well as any cashiers, customers at any place you go, neighbors you don't really know at all except by sight that they are neighbors, I think you get the picture. So if a student in your school is not a friend and someone you are comfortable with,(I had two close friends and that was it and one has Aspergers really bad so it was irritating at times but two misfits so to speak, we fit together as friends) they can be in a class with you but the two of you have never spoken so this too would work well for your retraining.
Good luck.
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