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First Time With a Guy
Hello. I'm 24 years old, a bisexual male, and I've never had sex with a guy before. Have had two previous sexual partners, both women, and both long-term relationships. I've been curious about being with a guy for quite some time.
My issue is this: I've been going about finding a one-time hookup or maybe FWB situation on Tinder because I can do so easily and anonymously, and there are plenty of people there that are not necessarily looking for something long-term or serious. I've tried this a few times and every time I've met people, but as soon as I start discussing with them and it becomes real and actually happening, I get scared and nervous and I back off, only to try again some months later, and rinse and repeat.
I'm nervous about letting someone I don't know that well in in such an intimate way, I'm VERY nervous and afraid of catching something, I'm unsure of how I'll feel afterwards...it's a mixture of a lot of things and feelings I'm not quite sure how to process. Part of me feels all of that is worth not having to wonder forever what it would be like, but I don't know.
Am I going about this the wrong way? Should I listen to my fears and hesitation, or should I go through with it in spite of them? How worried should I be about catching something, the situation in general, etc.?
Thank you in advance for reading and answering, if you do. It is appreciated.
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Adviceman gave you excellent advice. I feel too that at this stage in your life, it is more likely you are bi-curious and yes, there is such a thing. Its not a phrase that has been made up. I was invited to go along with my husband long ago to a pool party. We were the friends who were the plus two, and our friends had gone to the party. At one point in sunning myself, I opened my eyes to find not a single woman anywhere. So I asked where they all had disappeared to. One of the husbands said a couple of the women were bisexual and went off to a room to have fun but all the others were curious or bi-curious and wanted to watch and that's where all the women were. They asked if I wanted to go join in, and I knew I had zero interest in females that way.
I don't know how you hooked up with girlfriends. You say you can't be intimate with someone you barely know or don't know. But what did you do with women before having sex? If you met them in a bar or party and took them home that night to have sex, and are comfortable with that, then your issue is not about being intimate with someone you don't know well. Some people are able to operate that way, but others, like myself and my husband, are people who need to get a good feel for the other person, know them well enough to not only want to have sex to scratch an itch so to speak, but also because sex is much more sacred to us, the best way to show our partner how much they mean to us and how special they are. This means not thinking of oneself first, but wanting to please the other, give of all you've got to the other. I say this because I don't know which kind of sex you are more comfortable with or have experienced so far. If you are the type who can only feel comfortable having sex with someone at the point you feel love for them, then you might have to go at it with a guy slowly, getting to know him first. Not ever man you meet will be the kind who prefers to have sex with a male at the drop of a hat without knowing them. There are some online sites for meeting people. If you only want sex, but not getting to know a person first, then the site for that is "Adult Friend Finders". When I was looking for pen pals, I assumed by the title it was an innocent thing, just friends, no sex. Sorry, its a meat market. It is dangerous to also have sex with someone you don't really know well. There is no way to know if they've ever been checked for sexual diseases, or if they have one and aren't telling. However two people who love and trust each other are more likely to go together to a clinic to be checked out. You can catch disease as easily with a female as you can with a man. Most people don't come out upfront about any disease they have as they feel it might lower their chances of finding someone. When I found out I had herpes, I was divorced and looking and on a dating site. I changed my profile to add the info about Herpes. I had a man say it was not an issue for him as he has also tested positive many times but had a strain that he never broke out in. the same for the man I married, he also said he had tested positive but never had any breakouts and it was not an issue. So whether having sex with females or males, this is not a weird thing to discuss if you are smart about it. Anyone who is offended by the topic of conversation, is someone you are better off not getting involved with.
Since you are most likely just bi curious at this point, if you want to know for sure if you would really like it, you may have to find a male who hasn't done this before either, is bi curious, not totally sure yet, and he is willing to get to know you just as friends first and if both of you are comfortable with each other and feel some kind of attraction, then you both decide on moving forward and doing it. But as already mentioned, be careful, even if the person says they are clean or can show you a recent sexual disease testing that proves they are clean. That is the best way and if both are fearful of catching something, then they should make sure to both do this and then also use condoms routinely. I know of two people who said that one of them had the oral herpes, so they would wear a dental dam if there was oral sex. I will not go into dental dams, just list a site for info.
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Don't feel like this is something you have to do because there is a slight desire or curiousity. I was not curious at all as I said, but at some point in mid life, A female who was a close friend and knew she was straight as I am, we were just curious what all the fuss was with bi sexuals. Neither her nor I felt attraction to each other sexually as bi's usually do. For us, it was a science experiment and the husbands knew and we took precautions, being tested regularly. You never know if you have a partner who may be cheating and bringing something home. There was a level of comfortableness and trust to try this. We both found we could make the other come. It was eye opening as we both knew what a female needs to feel to cum, so afterwards, I wondered why it was so difficult for men to perform oral successfully when it worked so easy for women together. I realized how much I needed to communicate with a male so he could know what to do for me.
The wondering thing about something you haven't tried,, done or someone you never dated, is something that can follow you all your life. Thats normal. YOu don't have to do something just because you keep wondering. If you find you are actually sexually attracted to certain men, then yes, you are probably bi. Not every bi person though will have sex with lots of the same sex. I got to know a female neighbor who was bi. She invited us along to a club where there was swinging, sex with singles or one half of a couple, married or not. A good amount of people just enjoyed the meal, live band and dancing. Yes, i am that open minded. So when other females went off to a private area with another female, I asked their husbands how they felt about it. I learned they only were sexually attracted to one male, their husband, but in general were attracted physically to many women of all sorts. Then there were women who were attracted to their husband and only one other specific woman. Or the woman enjoyed mostly being with other men for sex but only liked one or a couple of females. As you can see, it can vary and does for males too. So go slow if you wish to, try meeting someone in your situation on line, find a site for bi sexuals and make sure its someone close enough to meet often in person if it works out chatting online for a week, then take it into the real world and see if you two can forge a friendship. The only difference between best friends or a committed couple is the sex. Otherwise a couple are each others best friend and enjoy desire each other sexually. So keep in mind friendship and if that cna't happen, you don't feel anything in common to be friends, don't go any further. This is the best way to slowly move forward. Once you and some guy have become good buddies and are comfortable with and trust each other, you will have worked up to kissing and cuddling, like when watching a movie together. Some romance but not jumping in cold feet, same as you would when you have a new girlfriend. Then if you both talk and decide you both are ready for sex, you both go to a clinic to be checked for any diseases. This is important as some are not that obvious to a person that they even have it and so some, like Herpes are so easily passed on. Herpes for example is a virus laying dormant for great times at the base of your nerves. Then something triggers it to be released so it travels up the nerve until the virus is laying on the surface of your skin. This does not mean there is a bubble or open sore yet and in fact many who are carriers do not know because they can go for years or decades without ever breaking out. Since they never had a breakout, they have sex and pass it on to others. Every person is different in how their body may react to the virus and then there are different strains of it where they have minor outbreaks very seldom to those who have terrible outbreak that require medication to heal up, and it happens regularly or often. So I can't stress enough having yourself and a potential partner tested. This is all I had to add to try to help you decide what you wish to do.
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To begin with I do not believe you are bisexual. Bi-Curious maybe. It would not be right for any of us to tell you to try bisexual sex or not. If you try it and do catch and STD or AIDS you will blame us. What we can tell you is if you were to try busexual sex make sure condoms are used.
I will also tell you that fears are a safe guard to keep you out of danger. It is best to heed your fears in some cases. Some times the only thing you have to fear is, "Fear Itself." Only you can decide for certain to heed or not to heed your fear.
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