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What should I do with my stubborn gf?
I'm male, 23, going 24 soon, I'm in the military. I met my gf online and we've been dating online for a year. I'm finally separating from the military and my gf and I want to get together and start a life together. We are both inexperienced as members of society, that's why we planned to move in with a friend and his wife who are more than willing to share a place with us. But my gf is so stubborn. She keeps changing her mind and going back on our agreements, now she wants to stay where she is. We could get a place there but it would be inconvenient for our friends who will have to pack up and move across the country. What should I do?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
If you have only known someone online, I think its a good idea to get to know them in the real world before jumping into moving in together. Online is a lot of make believe most of the time & its just a good idea to see what each other is like before making a drastic lifestyle change like moving in together. So cold feet on her part OR yours would be understandable.
That being said, I also don't think friends should set up housekeeping together. Not only does it make having a personal life together difficult, but likely will not remain friends for long. That too could be scaring her off. It would me.
Just my opinion. Good luck.
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I am gonna be honest with you. I am older, 60,, so I've lived during an age of no technology, no computers were around when I was dating and looking for a mate, no cell phones, no texting, so I had to do things the old fashioned way. I am all for technology if it improves a situation. Don't worry, this applies to answering your situation.
For example, cell phones are a wondrous thing, with people being able to hold of you anywhere, anytime. Before, you might hang at home all day waiting for a call. I got two calls that required making two appt. dates today, and if it was back when no cell phones existed, I'd be playing phone tag for a day or two. Having seen the benefits of back then and benefits of now, I can truly say that I see on line relationships having more trouble than ones in person. There are several reasons. For one, the person on the other end, if you have never met in person, only on line, you can be in love with their personality, love how they think and express themselves, their sense of humor, their dreams they listed, etc. but you can't know if you will have that 'chemisty' in person. I am not saying that you won't be attracted to how they look face to face. I am talking about that kind of chemistry that is a pheromone thing. Scientists are still studying it but don't have clear cut answers for humans, only how it works for animals.
I have dated and married the first time using no technology. After a divorce when we were weeks from 30 yrs married, I used the internet but only as a tool to learn of a guys existence. I am not making anything up. This is my story to explain why there may be problems or already are, and how that could happen to you. I met guys on line who sounded wonderful. After a week of talking every day, I was convinced this guy was the one for me and yet, when I met in person, I did not feel any chemistry, no desire or passion. The problem is never the person not having experience, or doing something wrong. What is wrong is lack of matching pheromones. And sorry buddy, but you can't change your pheromones. So even if this girl wasn't acting up, when you did meet in person, there's always the chance that you may be greatly disappointed that the love you both felt for each other is not enough. Here is something else I've learned in life. That a healthy satisfying relationship is built on a solid foundation of two things. These things are a must or it will be a disappointing relationship if it lasts at all. One thing that is a must, you hopefully already know well, how to be a great friend to someone. For a committed relationship like a marriage, you need to be able to say you are each others best friend because you are treating each other as such. Next is being each others sexual equal. This means there is chemistry for one thing. Also your libidos are the same as in both want sex very often vs both happy with seldom. This could be any difference that is great and needs a compromise, like one is happy with once a week or once every other week while the other needs and wants sex every day. Unless they can be happy with a compromise which I have not heard of that working well in this situation, one or both begin to resent each other and one or both may secretly begin to have affairs to take care of their sexual needs. Unfortunately most people marry someone with whom they have only one of these two critical things. If they at least have great sex, sounds good, and it can work, right? No, not if they were never each others best friend because then they fight like cats and dogs 24/7 except for the handful of hours that they are having sex. The other flipside is two people who are best friends but not sexual equals. After having a kid or long before, the woman is no longer interested or the man is not interested. I had one such man meet with me, never having told me he was married. However at our first and only meeting, He told me he was actually married and looking for a woman just as a sex partner as he and her no longer have sex. I told him i wouldn't and asked why he didn't just divorce and leave her to find someone right for him. His answer I bet is the answer many have, he was horrified and said He could never leave her. He loved her as his best friend. I also know of one more guy, friend of the family in this same position. SO I know this is possible. There is a lot I've learned the hard way, through the school of hard knocks, living it. SO I have nothing against using the internet to meet people, just how people who have no background with how to relate to people face to face, believing with all their heart that what they have is the 'real' thing in an LDR or any internet relationship. It is also impossible to learn to trust a person. We learn over time how to trust a person because who they say they are, they are proving consistently in person. On line, you really have no proof that they are what they say they are. In fact, some people have posed as the opposite sex, or posted a photo that wasn't them because they were too afraid no one would like how they looked. I have known people to whom that happened. So again, I say, you can not truly trust her 100%, even if you have said the words that you do. Words like I trust or I love you are cheap and easy to say. But what is harder is actually putting the force behind those words, the actions that prove you mean what you've said. For example, when my 2nd husband tells me he loves me, I don't doubt it because he shows me in many ways, every day of his life...asking if he can refill my cup for me, doing things i could do myself but telling me to kick back and relax and let him do it because he loves me. He calls himself my beast of burden and is willing to do anything for me, like running to a 24 hr Walmart to get me medicine one night I was terribly sick at midnight because we were out of medicine I needed. He compliments me, is always building me up with words, supporting any interests and talents in me he sees and admires, never putting me down, never shouting or fighting with me. Yes, we may disagree on an issue every once in a while but it is never something that would be detrimental to the relationship so we agree to disagree and still treat each other with respect and love. This is the kind of stuff you can't find out on line. I am not saying that two people can't meet on line and it works out. But it will be very rarely, just as love at first sight is a very rare thing. (It is not to be confused with lust at first sight, this is a very common thing.) I hope my rambling is making some sense.
I also know that many people today prefer to never have a relationship in person because they are too afraid. Perhaps a fear of the unknown, having never been in a serious relationship, worry over STDs, getting cheated on, and so on. It feels safer to have a relationship on line. For people like this, which your lady may be one of, it becomes scary if contemplating finally meeting no matter what she has professed on line. Is any of this making sense? I hope so. The only way to find out if she is going to be the right one for you and you for her, is to meet, not to become a couple and start living together unless she wants to be a room mate. That is a good way to learn what the other person is like. She may need to be courted and romanced in person, as it has always been done in history except for the time of internet. She may have cold feet and know she isn't brave enough and it isn't smart to just jump into living with you and two others. If sharing a room, are you to be sharing a bed? SHe may not want to jump into that but have time to build up normal feelings of desire for another. Desire felt on line is more 'theater of the mind'. That means it is next to the real thing, a facsimile and what makes it seem so real is that the things we can not have like feeling ones arms around each other, kissing, is going to have to be imagined for now. What we imagine is going to be far from what reality is. I still remember clearly a guy I felt I was seriously feeling love for by the end of a week on line. We met and I was disgusted by many of his habits, mannerisms and he didn't look anything like his photo so his looks weren't even to my liking. Another time, the guy looked like some Hot male model that just walked out the pages of a magazine. We went on 3 dates but he lost interest after that and I could tell also that the chemistry between us was weak. SO even if both people are hot looking, without chemistry, its not going to work. The goodnight kisses I got or I gave, were a good way to tell. If it felt like I just had a romantic kiss from my dad or brother, and it felt disgusting, I knew that there was zero chemistry.
So in case she really is right for you, you might try a different tactic. Propose the following to her: That you won't rely on her for helping these friends. If they need the income of two people and there isn't two rooms but one, then you may try to see if some guy might be interested in paying rent for say 6 months, to be renewed later if possible. IN the meanwhile, she moves close to where you are
and you help her with that so she has a place to live, maybe with a female room-mate, then the both of you start dating and if you feel chemistry, work on proving to her that the love you say you have for her is true because of how you will be consistently showing her. With the background you already having of knowing facts about the other, you shouldn't need longer than 6 months to both feel comfortable with moving in together, thus her joining you at the friends house, and you both making marriage plans perhaps.
If she isn't willing to move closer, and start dating, despite the fact she no longer has to end up room mates with a half stranger, then do not waste any more of your time on her. Get a male room mate, then start dating a woman in person, not on the internet. You can cut the process of hunting for the 'needle in a haystack' by using a dating site, a full complete one, not a phone app with photos you click to say you like. Duh, no one ever writes someone they are not attracted to the looks of, only if there is enough info listed on the person do you have even a slight inkling that they may be up your alley.
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If she is like this now, you can only expect things to get worse when you move in together, where ever that may be. I've had girlfriends where everything was fine until we moved in together. She already sounds like a pain, even though you love her. She sounds very immature and a drama queen. Now imagine sharing a room and house together. Drama seems to always escalate once you live together and are always in each other's face. I think you're better off without her. Don't think she is gonna change if you move in together, people generally don't change. If they do, it'll take a long time, if at all. She is already wishy washy and a drama queen and frustrating. I think it'd be a bad idea, especially since you sound like you haven't spent that much time together in person.
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