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stuck between taking the easy road and being strong .
I'm almost Thirty now, I've been married once when i was 22 years old lasted two years then divorce.
My relationships didn't go well afterwards . And now i'm in a relationship almost a year now, Six years younger than me, At first i thought it was going really well he wasn't that serious all the fun and passion , but now when he started to be more serious talk about the future and kids and settling down i'm all nervous and uncomfortable, not because of my past, well at least i don't think that way..But i know im not in love with him he thinks different than me ,,we have alot in common but still it comes some time i can't stand being around him which by the way lately it became more,But i think if i would be deeply, compassionately honest with myself.. i know we're over. But that is a horrible thought im trying to ignore it.Does that ever work? Pretending that things are ok? i can't be honest with him completely i don't know what i'm afraid of.. i don't believe that he would've understand that.. i feel like drowning little by little everyday.. am i making this whole thing a big problem or should i talk to him and end it,, and if i have to end it how am i gonna do that what should i say???
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Old expression; "Once burnt twice cautious." I believe this expression may be part of the problem. Not knowing what broke up your marriage it is hard to define why you might be overly cautious about falling in love and possible second marriage.
There is noting wrong with being overly cautious with your feeling. The problem her is it is wrong to string him along when he has feeling that go beyond how you feel. You need to tell him that you do not foresee marriage building from this relationship.
How you tell him is, you sit him down and tell him you you need to talk. Then just tell him what I wrote above. You can go on to say you want to remain friends even friends with benefits if you want. You go on to say if he is looking for a marriage partner and want to leave the relationship you will understand.
My suggestion is sort of a cake and eat it solution that lets him decide if he wants to continue the relationship or leave it. Hopefully he will understand that it is no it him presay but the ideal of remarrying that you are not interested in.
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You were okay with him before he mentioned the future and marriage, and I think that is because deep down, in your subconscious, you really were content with just having some companionship. Due to your past marriage, you didn't believe relationships like those in movies or love stories could possibly be real. What if I gave you hope that it may be possible if you went about your search for a man differently. Yeah, it still may not happen but you sure up the possibilities if you find a way to quit the current way of searching which is like looking for a needle in a haystack, meaning 'next to impossible that way.
I was divorced after 30 years with a guy and I knew that being social, I'd be happier with a mate but I wasn't going to take just anyone the next time, as he had to be my Ideal man, his personality and character exactly what I need. I was not doing well, just hoping to run into a nice guy who was perfect for me. So I prayed, yeah...I am a spiritual person, and was told that God would prove that He really cares and can provide what I need but I had to do what He told me, to know what exactly I wanted so I could recognize him when I met the guy, and to know myself and my needs well enough that it would also influence the kind of man who was right for me. I wrote my story in a short teaching document. After reading it and following it, if you have questions or are having trouble with how to make your lists, let me know. But to write directly to me, go to my column by looking me up under columnists 'Dragonflymagic'.
In my story,I used the internet. I know the internet is a scary place to meet a guy, but i played it safe, never went in his car to start, just mine, etc. and used the net only long enough to learn of his existence, so after a week on line and by phone, I'd meet the guy in person. This is the only way one can tell if there is chemistry. So here is my story.
How to find Mr. Right
I went through this search in my late forties after an almost 30 yr marriage to a man who was never in love with me, verbally abusive and not my sexual match. I was ready to finally find Mr Right and what I believe I heard while praying, is that I had to make several lists and refine them as I went along.
First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, or to really describe yourself in a convo in person, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. This is not just those met online but any you meet in person as you're out and about. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. At least, hopefully they will, if not, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.
So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?
I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grandkids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.
Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenerios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.
Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be “I want a guy who wants to have kids” “I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry” “I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief” “I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.” “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user”.
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke, it was from his son who uses the car but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn' t matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. Sticking with your needs, not lowering standards, helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....
Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.
The other list is the what you want, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the criteria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.
I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, at least on a 2nd date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.
Hope this helps you.
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Your heart is already telling you what to do. In relationships, people get sick of each other sometimes, its not unusual. But if you're unhappy and you don't see a future, if you feel like you're drowning little by little every day, then the obvious choice is to end it.
I think that you should be honest with him and tell him that you were married once and are not ready yet. Marriage is not something you're looking for. You don't mean to lead him on if there might not be a future with marriage and kids. If that's what he wants, then maybe its time to move on.
You don't sound like you really love him or anything, now things are getting more uncomfortable. Maybe its time to call it quits. Neither of you are getting what you want out of the relationship.
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