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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

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My recent boyfriend has been the best person I’ve ever dated , I have never felt so connected to someone . But we are 5 years apart. I’m turning 18 in two months but we’ve been dating for 5 months now. We’ve had our ups and downs but we really love each other. My parents are the only problem. Sadly it unfair for my boyfriend to be treated like a teen even though I am technically still one . I love him but I feel so bad that he has to be treated like a teen and have to sleep in a different bed than me when he comes over or that I can’t just have a dinner at his house cause my parents are strict in that way as my mom fell pregnant with my sister young she doesn’t want me to make the same mistake. I really love him but I see it takes a toll on him .what should I do?

If you are 18, you are an adult and can choose whom you date. The only control your parents have if you live at home which it sounds like, is to have rules for what happens under their roof. So a rule may be, your friend Jane is no longer welcome here because she is disrespectful to us and won't follow our house rules. Another might be no playing loud music after a certain time, that sort of thing. And yes, they can insist that you and he not share a bedroom since it is something that occurs under therr roof. They have no say over what happens anywhere else including under the roof of his parents. What ever his parents house rules are you must also follow when over there. So if they say separate rooms, you honor that. If they don't care, then good for you.

What is happening here is that you are being held hostage to what your Moms experiences were. Your Dad did not exercise restraint and got her pregnant early, or at least, they did not both decide to use birth control other than just condoms, like the pill or shot or whatever. But they did not plan, just gave in to hormones when it felt right. So of course they are both at fault and assume that you will do the same. Did they ever use birth control later? I would assume they did and know about it unless you have any where from 5 to a dozen siblings. I don't see why they wouldn't be okay talking to you frankly and letting you know that for their peace of mind and the best for you, that you get put on a birth control so that you are ready in case one of these days you meet and fall for a guy and you have sex. Having a child early is not only tough financially, but messes up with ability to attend school, work or afford child care and all the needs a baby has. It can literally chance the path of your life at an early age. I am guessing your parents are squeamish about talking about sex and only instill rules to avoid the same happening to you. I remind you, you are 18, so if you want to go to dinner at his home or hang out with him there, you can legally do so and they have no say over what you do. The only thing they have a say over is their home. So the only thing they can legally do since you are 18, is refuse to let you live there, kick you out if you don't do as they wish. I know of plenty who have written and thats what happened to them. I don't know if you are looking for work, working, going to college soon but those are all your choices. SOme parents have told their kids they can only go to community college so they can sleep in the family home at night and not be in a dorm room. With the fear they have, I am betting they either have the same if you want to attend college or they have talked you out of it. They can't dictate those things in your life. All they hold over your head is whether you have a place to live with them or not. Having a home is a big need. So if I were you, I would focus on finding a way to have a place to live other than your parents home. If this boyfriend is 5 years older and still living at home, it is more due to the expense of living on ones own. Young people these days can't afford a place of their own. Getting into debt with school tuitions will affect being able to be on ones own in the future. I read the s tory of a nurse in her forties still paying off school loans, almost done but had been living as a pauper all these years because the school loans took a chunk of her budget. Her drove a run down old car, wore 2nd hand clothes, a cheap run down apartment, etc. all so she could live on her own,,,she was single. I can't imagine having the good income of a nursing job or something else and still having to live poor until you are way way older. Trade schools are the way to go in this day and age. I would recommend your boyfriend look into trade schools. The market is begging for workers in those fields. I have kept track of actor Mike Rowes efforts to help close the job gap with Mikeroweworks foundation.

https://www.mikeroweworks.org He's not against college as you'd see if you watch the following interview with Mike, but against the kind of debt it puts people in and then not being able to find a job. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qzKzu86Agg0

I had a kid graduate to work as a Dr.s assistant and never got a job in the field. My 2nd husband has a daughter who got a degree in CGI (computer generated graphics) but never found a job in the field either. You or he or both of you might look into and consider this as one way to be able to be on your own and financially stable in the future. This doesn't solve your issues right now however but looking ahead to your future will fall into place one day soon enough. Of course, you can go into debt going to college and still being dependant on both your parents. Another choice of place to live other than one just your own, is to split rent of an apt with 4 people and 4 paychecks doing any old job that doesn't call for any skill. You and BF are two, and you'd need two more. Things will still be tight but can be done. There is always finding a room to rent in someones home, usually happens more near colleges. I know a girl who wanted to be on her own so bad when she turned 18, that she talked to the pastor of a church she went to, and he found a parishioner who had a room to rent for cheap. It was something she could do while working as a Barista, her first job. She didn't stay there long but it was a stepping stone for her, a way to save up for all the costs of getting into apartment rental.

I won't offer anything to change parents minds because that is not very likely and a waste of time changing their view about this. I know someone who talked to the parents of her girlfriends who were away at college across country and asked if she could rent the bedroom. She knew they were good people and it was mutually good for them and the girl. SHe was working only at the time and soon made the next step into renting a place with 3 other friends she knew from HS who also wanted out of their parents homes. This is all I can think of.

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My husband has a long history of sex addiction. Today I was checking the phone log and it said he sent a venmo payment to someone. I texted the girl and after an hour long phone call, she let me know that my nude photos/ sexual videos are all on FETLIFE, my husband has propositioned payment to over 300 women in the past couple of years to secretly hit on me in our local bar and possibly go home with us to sleep with just me. Most turn him down or tell him he is twisted. I have told him OVER and OVER, I will not have sex with a woman. I feel violated, like he was trying to have someone rape me almost. He sent this girl $50 via Venmo,an account for gas money I had no idea he had venmo, and she stood him up and kept his money because she didn't like what he was doing to me.She offered to send me a check, I said, no you keep it, he then has some friend of his message her and threaten to put a kill her. I am so sick and tired of his obsession. I also feel very scared. I was able to crack his account and see everything. I think I am supposed to get a divorce at this point. Advice appreciated.

For one person the work 'long' may be 6 months, 2 years, 10 years or a life time. Since this states you are female and age 29 when you started advicenators (no names shown so don't worry) I must assume he is close to the same age. Therefore, His addiction started with puberty lets say age 12 and guessing he's 30, that woudd mean a maximum of 18 years of this sort of sexual behavior. If he married you at 18, and started doing this then, that would be 12 years or so. Both are long time ways of acting like this.

I know there are adult social networks that involve sex in some way. On line definition of FetLife is:

FetLife is a social networking website that serves
people interested in BDSM, fetishism, and kink.

There are sites to meet others interested in sexual encounters and even to find parnters for swinging. I did that with my ex for a while. Long story but I asked given a choice, I was asked and I was open minded to want to at least try. I learned alot I did not know about myself but in the end, left that because I realized I could not focus when there was more than just me and my partner. Didn't hate it, just couldn't focus and so no reward. I met people interested in the kind of stuff Fetlife is about and that is not my thing either.
I can't say it is a sexual addiction but certainly something isn't right. Here's a link to the symptoms of sexual addcition from Psych Central:

https://psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-sexual-addiction/

If he were alone doing this, that is one thing. However he had gone ahead with the planning of this, putting your photos on line, pretending you and he were on the same page with this practice and that you were all for it. What he is doing is as bad as lying to you, withholding information of something he is doing involving your name and image. That is wrong!!! If there are two incomes and you both set up the household budget together, then he is spending money doing this that is not in the budget, takes away from ability to pay for the really needed things. If when finding out you spoke to one gal and he found out and threatened to have her killed, well, that now sounds like something more complicated than just a sexual addiction. You can't force him to go for therapy and I am pretty sure he is not going to be willing. There was nothing of him being remorseful, crying and telling you he loves you but just can't seem to stop and wished he could. If that were the case, I would say he would be willing to go for treatment. There are Psychologists who work in this area, sexual addiction and also support groups for them much like AA meetings, to help you keep straight. So if he shows no emotional issues of wishing he could stop, my guess is that he is not going to want to get better and stop doing this. I am thinking that divorce is probably the best thing for you. I would recommend trying a marriage counselor for both of you and sex therapy for him as well IF you still love him and would prefer to work things out.If however, you are not getting anything out of marriage to him, then its time to leave. There is a chance you married but it was like this from the moment the honeymoon was over. My ex had mental issues but hid them well, It caused him to be verbally abusive which only showed up after the honeymoon, well, about a month into marriage. The mental health issue wasn't discovered until about 12 years ago. But he at one point early on refused to go to therapy. A friend of ours talked him into seeing a mental health person but after a few visits where I learned from the Dr. that it was indeed hubby with issues that would take time to work on. When he refused to go, I decided I couldn't live like this anymore and I left him.
By left, I don't mean a divorce as he wasn't willing and I wasn't going to force him with a court order. After a little over 6 years of my being gone and living with a wonderful man who is now my new husband, the ex agreed to a divorce.

During the years with him, I found it to be very stressful. Stress has to go somewhere so depending on the person, it affects one mentally and another physically. It affected me physically with stress related conditions ranging from daily headaches, a handful of migraines a year, all over body itchy stress rashes, stomach ulcers and other stuff. Stess can be a contributer to cancer or hearth disease so when In Prayer I heard I could stay but would die in four years or I could leave and live much longer, I chose to leave. I had 30 years of my stress. You haven't had that long but the way he is treating you is not love, not respectful, not trustworthy to name a few. Those already are enough to cause you stress. If you believe me how this will affect you long term if you stayed, then I think you will agree with me, that this is no decision at a moments notice but one carefully thought out based on your particular situation. If you are scared of him, that is no way to live. Obviously there is no love there, if there ever really was, and if there was, it may not have been much on his side. Maybe he loved you enough to work for him but if it never was enough for you from the start, I can tell you that you are with the wrong person. If there are children, don't worry about taking them. YOU are young and will remarry and your kids will see how a healthy normal marriage should be and are more likely to have healthy marriages of their own. My kids all witnessed Dad verbally abusing me. He didn't really do it to them but yelled at them on occasion. It was the disrepect for me that caused all three to have issues, one married to a sociopath, one choosing to never marry or have kids and one marrying a guy who does nothing much, not even doing everything expected to run a household and take care of a child. My daughter is the one who works because he chooses not to, not working because she wants to. I feel so bad I stayed with their Dad until they were out of the house. I now know kids are resiliant and do better seeing a normal healthy marriage with a step parent or a single parent than seeing a bad marriage. If you do not have any kids yet. Don't have any with him and get out asap.

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I am 50 years of age and I have been seeing a Mental Health Therapist for 8 months now. My Therapist is only 31 years of age. They have been an excellent Therapist until recently. One day about a month ago I went in to see them and I could tell that they were upset about something. I asked them how they were doing and they burst into tears. It turns out that they have cancer. They apologized for burdening me with this and not being professional. Last week I went in for my session and I could tell that they were having a bad day. They also had to reschedule my next appointment so I asked how they are doing. Turns out they had surgery and it was not as successful as they hoped. They have to start chemotherapy. It does not bother me knowing that they have cancer because they are human. What bothers me is that the nature and mission of the clinic that I go to is whole body health. They teach their patients that they must not only get mental health therapy but must also take care of physical, financial and all things must be in good order in order to be totally healthy. I feel that my Therapist is being a hypocrite because he is not living a healthy lifestyle as the clinic teaches. My Therapist is supportive of my mental and physical health goals. He supports me eating a healthy diet and exercising but he admits that he does not eat healthy or do anything to take care of physical well being. On the one hand I feel empathy because I know how it feels to be chronically ill but on the other I am losing respect for him. Why is he working at this clinic if he does not practice what he teaches and do what the clinic stands for? He should be walking his talk. I am torn on what to do because on one hand I cannot respect my Therapist any longer since he is not living what he is teaching clients and on the other I feel I am expecting too much and need to quit judging him. Do I need to learn to be more compassionate and patient or do I need a new Therapist?

My mother had cancer and at one point, she could no longer work due to the reactions to chemotherapy and as it progressed she grew weaker. IT is possible that your therapist will at some point no longer be able to work unless the treatment cures them.

From what you say, it's not a matter of age or knowledge. they have a degree to do what they do. However, I am some what familiar with the concept of whole health practitioners as I am into natural health. So I would think a clinic into whole health is more likely to incorporate the belief of seeking out any and all alternative medicines or practices to achieve better health and yes, even in cancer.

You might ask the clinic the whole panel of what they recommend trying for cancer, any kind of cancer and see if chemo is one of them. Some people still recommend chemo but use alternative methocs to deal with the side effects at the same time. All in all, I don't think we can pin point cancer as meaning a person doesn't believe in what they preach if they work at this center. So it has to be something other than the cancer you brought up. The healthy diet and exercising which he has admitted he doesn't follow himself can be enough for a person to want to change doctors. I recently went looking for a new doctor within the network of my insurance. I can't afford paying on my own to use such a center and it's off limits with my insurance, but I was hoping to find at least a medical doctor who believes in holistic health so when I share what I am doing, what has worked and doesn't, that they don't look confused as if I was speaking another language. I found someone close to that, not as great as I'd like. But it got me thinking about your situation. Using religion, I would say that in a church, you find people who have learned what it is to be a believer and how there are choices to be made to live a Godly life. However some have learned and know it can be done, know many people like themselves who change their lives to be more Godlike. However you also have people, who no matter how much they have studied, even those who have attended seminary schools, but no matter their knowledge, they share it with others as the only way to go, yet in their private life, away from church, they do the total opposite. Not talking about swearing some times or losing their temper occasionally, but as the bible talks of being a light for the lost, you don't hide a light under a bushel, under cover so no one can see it. The knowledge does no good is looking at you, people only see the behavior of someone who is not a believer. It no longer matters that someone says they believe. And I have heard people called hypocrites in church, worse if its the pastor or an associate. I know plenty of people who have left their church for this very reason. So I know it is important enough to address for some. If you feel that your Dr. being a hypocrite is enough to cause you mental distress, distrust or more, then it is likely better for you to find someone with whom you feel trust and feel they see things eye to eye with you, understand your want to get better and believe and practice what they teach and preach. HIs age and cancer itself shouldn't be the consideration for changing.

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Thank you for reading my question.

I am just confused and will like some help on gender identity. Here we go….

I have been assigned the gender of a girl, but I don't always feel that way. Before you start to think "Transgender?", let me get to a point.

For example, one day I feel feminine. I look in the mirror and I absolutely love my body. But the next day I look in the mirror and I hate it so much. (Wait, I'm not done yet.) Then the day after that, I look in the mirror and I don't really care. As in, I don't feel feminine or even masculine. That was just an example. Each feeling could last a few days at the most.

Sometimes, and this just makes it more confusing, I want to wear makeup while wearing a tomboy outfit. Or even the other way around. I want to wear a dress, but no makeup.

This might seem like normal, but I am just very confused on my gender. I think I have one, but sometimes I feel like I don't. But I know that I'm not agender. Please help me.

Thank you so very much.

What luck, I am in Starbucks and had been chatting with a gal who is celebrating in a pride parade tomorrow. So I ask her what terms might fit. She suggested that 'gender fluid' sounds like what you are experiencing. Here is a dictionary explanation of the term and it sure sounds like what you are saying: https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=gender%20fluid

I would also suggest you join an on line chat site where you can post questions for other young people with the same issues to answer from their experiences.

Here is one site, but if you prefer a teen site you'd have to search for one on line: https://www.healthfulchat.org/support/lgbt-chat-room.html

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Hi! I’m Amy and I’m 12 years old. I have been fingering myself about 2-3 weeks now. And yesterday I got my first period!
And I have discharge for like one month or something?
I got my first period faster than I expected!
But it was all dark brown-brown color!
Why?? Is something wrong with me!!?
I have been thinking it might be the reason it’s brown(period) because i have been fingering myself before?
And is it ok to finger yourself when this happens or at this period of time?

There is nothing to worry about. It was only coincidence that both happened at the same time.

I went through the same thing with period when I was that age. It seems that more girls than you would imagine, have a slow and sporadic start to their period. Your body is still changing so your period will become more regular in time. It could take another year or so even. I started later, right before turning 14. But the brownish color is only the color of older blood that hasn't come down yet. This is something that will happen throughout your adult life in fact when circumstances make it happen. It means there is a delay in the real period coming. Stress, mental or physical can change the start of a period, getting over being sick or just starting out is also stress to the body and will delay a period so for the time it is delayed you see brownish stuff,and if around other menstruating females on a regular basis, home or like for me, on the job, there is a weird thing of nature that all the females begin to regulate to having a period at the same time. So if a friend is having hers later than you, you might get it earlier or it might delayed until many of you have it the same time. Just friends in school and duration of one or two classes won't do it. Its a prolonged exposure such as a sister and Mom whom you live with, or an office like where I was one of five females. I know we all had periods the same time when one got theirs earlier and had nothing with them like pads or tampons and asked around and everyone else remarked that they were on their period the same time.

Another thing you can expect though it may or may not happen is not getting it once a month regularly in the beginning. I remember being all over the place such as getting it for three months, then skipping one month, then getting two in one month, even once two months of no period before it started up again. I have read on line about this and apparently it is normal for in the beginning and I would say for probably a two year span it is to be expected. If you have this issue at 18, then something is wrong. I hate to tell you this but I am at the other end of life, past menopause. I can tell you right now that I had all the same symptoms of when my period started, the same at the end at it was supposed to stop. The delayed crazy schedule, brown blood. Women who think their period had ended because it hadn't shown up for two months and didn't use protection, in some cases got pregnant, even though older. That is why women are told to wait until they've had 2 years solid of no period before they can consider it won't show up again.

This is more than you wanted to know I suppose but this is stuff my own mom didn't know and I had to learn on my own the hard way as it was not covered in any literature or books in my past and is not talked about or shared at the other end of life.

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I just got back from a music camp at a college and I can't seem to get this person out of my head. I'm just confused about what they were trying to do or if they were even trying do get anything across.

Basically, I met hime when he lead a little group that I was in for getting to know the other campers. After I had only been at the camp for a day or so, this guy (he was kind of like a counselor) remembered that I was interested in writing music and so he wanted to introduce me to someone who just graduated with that kind of a degree. I was surprised he remembered that I wanted to do that since there were so many people there.

A little later and he came up to me and said how he heard that my talk with the graduate went really well. He also said if I wanted to get in contact with the person he introduced me to or if I had any questions I could just ask him. I was happy he was so helpful, but it just seemed strange that he would go out of his way to do these things.

Then the next day I remember I was getting food from the cafe and I saw him standing in line somewhere. He was getting his food and I remember thinking we probably wouldn't interact since he was busy. I went to get silverware and I heard him say my name. I turned around and he was right there. He kinda was making sure he got my name right. I asked him how he was and he did the same for me, but then after I said "I'm good." I WALKED AWAY. I'm still upset with myself because I feel like I could've talked with him for a while. He seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me. He didn't seem distracted when we talked, and he always held eye contact.

Later that night we had a little party to kind of finish of the camp. He ended up close to where myself and my group of friends were. We looked at each other a few times, but I don't know. Maybe I'm just looking way too far into this?

Well, now I can't seem to get him out of my head. The worst part is I found out I think he has a girlfriend. I must be making any bit of interest he had for me up? I guess I'm just wondering what you think of all this? Am I overreacting? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Thank you!

This is one of those situations where you don't know how it may have gone if you'd been brave enough to say something or try something. It will always be in your mind wondering if it was a Real possibility or if it was a dead end. The not knowing how it could have turned out will stay with you the rest of your life, always wondering 'what if..." And that as you now know is a sort of mental torture.

I think that if there is a next time, not him but another situation, it may be a good idea to just check.
Some people are out going and genuinely like to help others, are good at remembering names and places and situations so that alone may not have meant anything.
I wasn't there to observe body language but you might want to watch some you tube videos where they go over body language of a guy interested in a female. He was doing one of those things in finding any reason to come up and stand close to you. If a person approaches your personal space, close enough that if they extended their arm straight, their hand would rest on your shoulder, this is a subconscious way humans check to see if someone likes them. If you stay your ground, it means you like the nearness. If for some reason, the guy turns you off, you will automatically without thinking, step back away recreating the amount of space between you and him. I don't know how this went and you may not remember. It is very helpful to know all the body signals that someone is interested in getting to know you better, but at least, a guy may know he wants to find out if he can really fall for you or if you are not the onek for him so this curiosity and checking a gal out is an important step and must happen before anything else can. Generally, males are as scared of being rejected as a gal may be or are leaving up to her to make the first move after leaving subtle clues that may or may not mean anythint.j That is why if you see not just one or two body language signals that say he's interested, it is a good thing to ask. How I would go about it is to say, "Hello again. I really appreciate you taking the time to be so helpful. I am just wondering however if this is just you being professional and helping others or if there is some interest beyond counselor/camper? Then to make sure he doesn't back off the truth in case he is interested, you have to let him know that you are okay with exploring this and this isn't you just satisfying your curiosity, but have no interest in him. He won't give a truthful answer until you've cleared the coast. So I would add at the end, if you do have interest in me beyond that of another camper, I am willing to explore that. Now he knows its okay to ask. Females tend to wait for guys to ask them out but may sit around forever with no guy asking, and its not because they all are not interested in you.

Now, on how to stop thinking of him, your subconscious doesn't realize the opportunity is over and that you need to stop thinking of him. All it knows is that for a while your thoughts all focused and centered on him. So in its desire to please your conscious self, it assumes that the amount of similar thoughts means its important, even if it is a fear you are focusing on or the situation has already changed, etc. The subconscious mind is now bringing up more thoughts of him than you did yourself. SO you need to retrain your subconscious to stop thinking of him. Start with being aware of each thought of him and the moment it appears, telling yourself, which your subconscious will hear, either internally or out loud when no one else is around. You simply tell yourself, the time to check if there was any interest in me is over. I messed up and so I want to stop thinking of him. Doing so now serves no purpose. Stop bringing up thoughts of him. Or put it in your own words but repeat this everytime a thought of him comes up. I used this method to get over someone who walked out of my life. It really works but the first two days or so are really bad. I found I was having thoughts of him come up every coupe of minutes so I was repeating my dialog for the subconscious minds sake, up to 30 times in an hour with it slowing down by days end to maybe 10 to 20 and the next day was not too good either, maybe the 10 times per hour but if you do this diligently, eventually it is only 10 times in the whole day, to eventually none. This gives you time to emotionally detach. Then in the future if anyone who talks like him or looks like him gets you to having a thought of him, it won't hurt or bother you and you may simply smile at the happpy memory of the attention he gave you. Hope this helps you. If you need to speak to me further, go to columnists and choose me, Dragonmagic and write to me from my column and it will go straight to my inbox instead of go for all columnists to answer unless thats what you want.

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Thank you in advance.


My youngest brother and I are ten years apart, and I'm the oldest at 20. He's recently been diagnosed ADHD, and he's obviously a little delayed and not very socially adept within his age group.

I moved out from my parents' house almost 2 years ago, and I've been realizing how fucked up our lives have actually been. My sister (18) and other brother (16) have moved out to live with our father,and my youngest brother is still living with my mom and stepfather. My step dad has borderline personality disorder, and my mother knows but looks past his behaviors and defends him because she loves him. I hoped that with the older, more stressful kids gone, life for them would get better, but if anything, it's worse.

Just the way he's dressed when I see him is enough to tip me off, but after seeing his room and the rest of their home, I'm realizing that their quality of life isn't improving at all. His bedroom is a disaster. He has a wetting problem. It reeks of urine; there were used incontinence briefs on the floor, three old mattresses stacked up with the sheets coming off, and the only clothes I could find besides what he was wearing weren't going to fit him well. Their downstairs bathroom is out of comission. The upstairs is filthy; dirty laundry on the floor, whiskers in the sink, cigarette ash in the bath tub. As far as I know, they still dont have a clothes washer, and Im assuming they go to the laundromat (my mom isn't that filthy...) The kitchen isn't the worst I've ever seen, but unswept, and gross. The closed front porch is packed with my mom's unsorted personal belongings, all boxed up. Pretty sure their own bedroom is cluttered/trashed also.

My step dad was/is (ocassionally physically/) emotionally/psychologically abusive and brother says he's been fine, but I don't know what really goes on. He also treats the dog poorly, and the dog only obeys because he's afraid. My mom doesn't want to admit to herself that she's fucked up our lives by choosing her own "happiness" over her family. She met step dad only 3 months after we left my father, and married him after 6 months. She used to freak out when he would pinch/flick/grab/swat my brothers, but normalized and excused it over the 5 years I lived with him around. I've brought up recently how his abuse effected me, and she said that he's doing better and he finally thinks he needs counseling.

Regardless, the conditions they're living in are deplorable, and my mother isn't taking initiative to teach/help my brother to take care of himself properly. I can't let him go live with my dad because our father is a sociopath with zero parenting skills, and no patience for real sibling behavior, and my siblings are toxic in their own states. I can't take him in myself because I'm neither financially nor emotionally stable enough at this point. I don't want him to go into the foster system because I worry he'd face the same or worse, and we don't have any other family who could really understand him and care for him.

Please, what should I do that's really best for him? I feel guilty for leaving him in such a situation, and I want him to have the same chance at a good life that I've managed to get myself.

I have faced the CPS thing in my own family, oldest daughter and her umpteenth husband abused my granddaughter leaving bruises a teacher found. Not a single one of us adults are rich. I live in a van, my two sisters are very poor and both older, grandma age, our parents dead long ago and my own daughters struggle to make ends meet, one leaving state for husband to go to college and other not married and working a full job along with many side jobs to make ends meet. No one has the space, the funds or is around enough to have helped her. There is a 2nd child now with latest husband and CPS plus psychiatrists feel they are getting better but can't handle more than one. The granddaughter was given to her Birth dad who has full custody now but a conference call was set up for all relatives and we could choose anyone we know and trust to be the foster parent. One daughter knew of such a person. SHe was the one able to and wanting to adopt the toddler. However due to positive words from a Pastor whom the oldest and her husband go to his church, CPS decided to let them keep the child. However if that man had not spoken up (i wish he hadn't because they both have mental problems and refuse to take meds for it) I am sure the woman we chose would have gotten the toddler. No one sees them and hasn't for years so we can't be sure how things are really going.
All of this has made me think, If you do the searching around and find a foster family who is willing to take him and allow you in his life, they don't have to be family but you can pick someone you know will help him through recovery from living in a disfunctional home, recovery from neglect and deal with his ADHD, etc.... all stuff the prospective family needs to know. I can't say how to find out, it may be a process but well worth the time spent. I did a quick search putting in 'available foster parents for' and put the city name, I used a random one to see if anything came up. I didn't see anything other than how to become one yourself. So my next best suggestion is to make a list of churches in your city starting with those closest to you and working your way out. Ask to speak to the Pastor, Priest/Father, and tell them briefly what your situation is and how you know your brother needs to go into a foster home and CPS needs to be alerted but before that happens, you want to find a family who does fostering and are willing to take your brother. You would rather have good Godly people raising him than him ending up in another situation as bad or worse. Ask if the pastor can announce this at church and if a member is a foster parent and responds to him. I wouldn't stop at one name in case CPS decides there is a reason why they can't take the child, such as a limit in space and number of kids they can take, so try for 2 or 3 names. Other than taking out an ad or putting out a plea on social media, these are the only ways I know of that you can be involved in finding possible good people. YOu'd want to meet them and see their home, not going at the time they are expecting you but earlier to see what the place looks like when they haven't had a chance to 'make it presentable'. This is also what CPS does, not announcing their visit so no one has a chance to make everything look pretty if it normally isn't. I wish you the best and will be praying for you both.

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I'm 28/f and suffering from vaginismus. For those of you who don't know what that is, here is the definition: Vaginismus is involuntary contraction of muscles around the opening of the vagina in women with no abnormalities in the genital organs. The tight muscle contraction makes sexual intercourse or any sexual activity that involves penetration painful or impossible. I was sexually abused and this developed as a result. I didn't realize it until I was about 20 and tried to have sex for the first time. When he came near me, I started shaking uncontrollably and I was pushing him away. I thought that there was a lot more factors to this. For one, it was both of our first time. He was very inexperienced in terms of anything sexual. I thought that maybe the problem wasn't so much me... but, the fact that there was little sexual attraction.

I am with a different partner now and I am head over heels in love. I actually WANT to have sex with him. I have desire. I also feel much more secure in this relationship. We are building a future together. He is a little bit more experienced and I'm much more open. When we tried having sex, it wasn't so much like he was hitting a brick wall. It was like a tire going over a pothole. So, my vagina did open a little bit, but not enough to let him in entirely. It might help to copy and paste this diagram into your search bar so you can better see what I mean:

https://www.google.com/search?q=vaginismus&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwi-ovqx6ofjAhVPKKwKHTrGDi8Q_AUIECgB&biw=1237&bih=597#imgrc=TOGJB62JF3d-GM:

Before, it was like the first picture. Now, it's like the second picture.

Obviously, because I'm working through this, my boyfriend wants to have intimacy in other ways, such as oral sex. Before I begin, I just want to say that I've always hated the idea of oral sex. Ever since I even heard that people did this, I found it disgusting. This contrasts sharply from the fact that I actually DESIRE to have sex, but my vagina is involuntarily spasming. It's like my mind wants it, but my body doesn't allow it. Kind of like imagine being constipated and having a an urge to poop but you can't or it's very painful. You desire that relief so badly, but it's difficult to achieve. The oral sex thing is something that has always grossed me out. But, I kind of feel bad because my vagina isn't letting me have sex. She's closed the doors on me. It's like my body has turned against me. And I feel pressured to fix the problem quickly, especially so I don't have to give oral sex. I feel like if we were having a regular sex life, without this vaginismus problem, I wouldn't be pressured into the oral sex.

So, I feel like I'm under pressure to either overcome vaginismus quickly and take my time to get over this aversion... or I need to quickly overcome this aversion and take my time to conquer vaginismus.

If you've gone through this before, would you please lend a helping hand? thank you

I have a link for you as well. It is all about how they treat vaginismus. Here it is: https://vaginismus.com/vaginismus-treatment/

So I would check with your Dr to see if they can refer you to a Dr. who specializes in the training of what you need to do in steps with also a pain plan I would suppose for the beginning. I am sure there had to be scar tissue or even just the muscles shrinking up tight. But those are things that Drs find easy to treat.

Oral sex isn't bad at all. But yes, there are people who do not like it or want it. You may need to find out how important it is to your partner in case this evolves to him wanting to marry you. Can he really go the rest of his life not ever having oral sex? There are often people who are great together, best of friends and love each other but there are too many differences when it comes to sex. I was once married to a man who was not my sexual equal. YOu don't have to be like me, I will just share my story so you see how important it is that both people are not only best of friends but the best sexual match for each other. These two things are the foundation for any really successful and rewarding couples relationship.

So, anyways, I discovered that my ex had a low libido and I had a high one. The libido is that part of you that wants sex and how often. Some are happy with once or twice a month, once a week and others really want it every day or as close to that as possible. So when I wanted loving and sex, he would push me away and say he had to work the next day and had to have his rest. He was the one who hated oral sex and fingering me. Pretty much, missionary position was all he would do. SO as a result, I never had an orgasm with him. Orgasms by penetration are possible but very rare. Females have more orgasms by manipulation of the clitorus or the g spot, that rough wrinkled skin patch on the belly button side of vagina, just past the pubic bone. If you can be pleasured both those ways, then he won't have to do it with his mouth and tongue. He may wish for it to be done on him but lots of lube with the females hand masturbating him is just as great and you don't have to have him inside your mouth at all. So you have some things to discuss with him. If the both of you discover after the vaginismus is taken care of, that there are too many differences, you may want to look for a partner with whom your likes and dislikes in sex match. I understand having feelings for a person but if it ends up life long, the things you thought you could handle living without, eventually become the thing you really want. Sexually mismatched couples may find one or both of them seeking sexual relationships outside the marriage because they only have the friendshop part, not the sexual part of the foundation. This is not initially a problem but it depends how long one of you can go without getting enough satisfaction.
Due to the abuse you suffered, it might be a good thing for you to seek counsel from a sex therapist for the mind and thoughts, things that might hold you back.

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I recently got accepted into a university and will be transferring from a community college to a university in the fall. My mom checked my syllabus and they are very strict about attire for my lab. I have to take chemistry 2 and it’s required for my major. They said that no skin whatsoever can be showing and we must wear long pants and leggings won’t work. Thing is, for my religion we wear skirts. I was thinking about wearing something under my skirt, but I don’t know what would be most appropriate. I wear leggings in the house and don’t own a pair of pants so I would have to go shopping. For anyone who’s taken these kinds of labs, would they be ok with that? Is it just necessary to have long clothing or would pants be necessary? I’m just wondering how to work around this. Thanks!

You sent this question before. I guess you didn't look for my answer.

I'll make it real short. When working certain jobs, there are requirements on dress code if there are safety concerns. There are men with jobs where wearing anything that could conduct electricity can't be worn so they can't wear their wedding rings. There are jobs where loose clothing such as flowing skirts or long bell sleeves could get caught on something or knock something over. It is not a religious thing or anti whatever race but a safety issue. The same goes for school. And you must think ahead, that not only will pants be required while working and learning in the lab but when you graduate and try to find work, I highly doubt there is any lab that will allow skirts to be worn. So you and the school and future employers are going to be at a Stale-mate, which means that there is no way that you can get what you want and they can't do it for insurance purposes. If you were injured in school or on the job because you were not wearing the dress code for safety, the school or company would be liable and the insurance may not cover it because the school allowed you to break the safety dress code and the school would be responsible to pay out of pocket and you would surely be asked to leave and with that in the background, no one would ever consider hiring you. Either find a profession where you can wear skirts and change what you are studying for in school, This is your life, regardless of parents beliefs. I understand it may be more modesty related but I see plenty of women in jobs who are from countries where modesty in dressing theirself is what they want to do but to get employed depending on the job position, have chosen to wear the must have code of dress. You are not being asked to show any skin. Chose pants that are loose enough so they do not hug your backside tightly. You might ask the school if you can wear some kind of head covering, although if I think about it, the hijab or whatever you wear, shouldn't have loose ends that could drape into a beaker or speciman tray. Perhaps if loose ends are safety pinned onto your shirt. Many I have seen wearing hijabs but otherwise, the dress code of the company. So you either accept that your chosen profession will require a dress code or change the profession you are going after and make sure that it is not a another job that will require a dress code for safety reasons.

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Hello,

I would really appreciate some input on the issues we are having with the neighbor behind us.

I will do my best to keep this brief.

One night, my partner heard a loud noise on our roof and went to investigate (on-going issues with wildlife). He went to look out our window and accidentally saw our neighbors across the way with their bathroom blinds open and in a state of undress.

He unfortunately happened to lock eyes with the male neighbor, who now has him branded as some kind of weirdo. Neighbor proceeded to waive his tablet around and now keeps it in their bathroom window as if threatening to record him.

A couple of points to note:

They insisted on keeping their blinds open at night

Other neighbors have seen them as well on different occasions

Last I checked, we are allowed to look out of our windows

My partner was mortified. He is by nature a very kind, respectful person and would never want to invade anyone's privacy. Unfortunately we were dealing with other more urgent issues when this all occurred (a serious injury at work, an immediate family member took their own life) and therefore never attempted to clear the air with the neighbors. I'm not sure that they would have been all that receptive anyway; Mr. has previously demonstrated a rather ferocious temper - swearing and screaming for all to hear.

We have tried to just continue on with our lives, hoping that they will see that we have no interest in looking at them. It has been well over a year now, however we still get the sense that they are angry.

If we are in our backyard, Mr. likes to loudly drop words like police and *court order,*especially if they happen to have company. Partner suffers from anxiety, so these comments really stress him out.

What if anything, should we do? It would be wonderful to be able to relax in our yard again. Moving is not an option, and frankly I don't feel we should based on principal. It makes me so angry that they are bad mouthing my partner to other people.

Thank you all so much for your input.

I hate to tell you this but both the neighbor and yourselves are assuming way too much hear without having every tried talking to each other. By your own words, here is how I come to this conclusion. It starts here: He unfortunately happened to lock eyes with the male neighbor, who now has him branded as some kind of weirdo. To that I ask, has the neighbor actually spoken such words to your partner, is your partner a mind reader,(a rare coincidence but could be true) or are you both guessing from the movements of this male neighbor? I can't say your idea about the tablet is for real happening 'now keeps it in their bathroom window as if threatening to record him. If you had a tablet, one only, would you stop using it and leave it 24/7 sitting against your bathroom window? Either it is one tablet and there are times its being used and not in the bath window or this is an older non functioning one they have put there to intimidate. If you can say 100% for sure that you know its for intimidation, then you have a psychic ability if you learned this from something other than your mind reacting to what it sees.
At this point, I will say there is something not normal about him. If he were a nudist, he would not be looking to show off to neighbors. A nudist is mindful of how others may not be comfortable with seeing someone else undressed. This I can say from being one occasionally and knowing others who are. Most people would have curtains in windows for their privacy and especially the bath room where at least treated glass that lets light in but you can't see out is what the bath window is made of. I can't think of any newer homes that don't come without this kind of glass or older homes where the majority are untreated. I have been in enough peoples home restrooms over my life to know I can count on one hand windows that were clear and had no curtain. My first idea was to ask my self why a person would want all windows in the house clear and able to see out of at any given point in time. I came up with only one thing, a phobia. Your partner battle anxiety. And I used to have an anxiety but no longer. However I can understand to what extent a fear/phobia or anxiety which again for me was fueled by fear, will make a person do a certain behavior, one that may be detrimental to being at least civil if not making friends. So lets say, the neighbor has a fear that someone will sneak up on him to do no good, maybe break in. They would want all windows to be clear so they can see out and see if anyone is approaching their house. Of course, having motion sensing flood lights that come on, an alarm system and having a large dog that is vocal enough to make its presence known would seem things such a person would do also. So if he doesn't, but has a phobia for whatever reason that makes it a need to see out his windows, he doesn't have to make sense to do what he does. There could be something quite wrong in how he thinks, maybe a mental disability or mental illness. YOu have heard him yell and cussing, and heard his voice raised in temper, hopefully not towards you or other neighbors but just what you hear coming from his home and yard. What of a partner for him, wife or girlfriend. SHe may be the mousy quiet abused person who is verbally abused by this man who doesn't sound like he has a patient or kind bone in his body. My ex was like that. Now I have compared my own experience in my past to this man and have imagined all the rest about a wife. I said this on purpose to show you how easy it is to guess based on our experiences or the little info we have. Yeah, he might be an asshole but it is better knowing for sure that he is or not by taking a chance to right to make things right.

You must have discussed this with other neighbors to hear from them that they also have seen into their house. Whether it has been on inappropriate times such as when they are in the bathroom or having sex, that wasn't said. So I can't comment on that other than if he is a sadistic exhibitionist, he might want to be seen and then pretend he is angry at you for seeing something he wanted you to see in the first place.

After a year you sense they are still angry. However you did not sense what things you have heard or experienced further with him that say he is still angry at you other than words you hear through the fence. If he is really that angry, he would not string it along a year before calling police or getting a court order. If you really stop and think about it, rather than reacting like your partner out of anxiety, you'd see he was tossing words around only to play cruelly with the emotions of anyone he felt are not self confidant and well adjusted enough to see this for what it might be and not letting it bother you. As far as I can tell, he has not come onto your property threatening you, just stays on his side. If he is purposely using the words you claim to have heard, knows you are in listening distance then it sure sounds like he enjoys intimidating people. Would he call police to tell them someone was looking in their bathroom window? The police would probably laugh at him if they heard he doesn't have his window covered or treated. They might come out, check the distance between the houses, talk to you to see which window you saw him out of and look for themselves to see how much of that bathroom they can see. A person who doesn't want to be seen ever would never take that chance. Would you stand in front of a clear window totally nude unless you don't mind being seen? If you don't want to be seen, you wouldn't do it, right? I used to be married to a guy who was so inconsistent and stuff like this reminds me of him. In the end, it was discovered by a psychologist that he did indeed have mental illness, not the kind totally obvious to strangers, but the kind that allows him to cruise through society without others catching on to it, unless they saw him on a consistent basis such as those he worked with (he was let go from many jobs) or neighbors, close friends, family and marital partner (me). Your neighbor could have some things wrong with him that most people do not see but since you are neighbors, you are seeing enough to at least feel something is not right, even if you have no solid proof, the kind that could stand up in court. Now if you were to call police and tell them about the incidence and how you feel the neighbor is meaning and threatening you now, whether right after the incident or now a year later, there would be no grounds for them to arrest the neighbor for choosing to not use blinds or something and likely they would tell you there was nothing they could do. However, who knows what laws are on the books in a city as there are many that have crazy laws such as no chewing gum in a business district. Someone from Arkansas told me to look up laws in Arkansas if I didn't believe him that even a non resident visiting go spend a night in jail for pronouncing it wrong if heard by police or someone in a government position. I have a feeling that if you have little children in the house who could accidently see the neighbors undressed, it could become a different issue entirely. Anytime nudity or anything sexual comes up with children involved, it can become an issue with the police. You did not mention any children.

What I am most curious about is knowing what kind of neighbors all of you were before the incident. Were you just nodding neighbors, no words spoken, not showing any interest to meet, or were you neighbors who talked, knew each others names and on occasion spent some time chatting away. I had one elderly neighbor across the street I clicked with enough to become friends with and trusted enough to have her pick up my kid if one was sick and had to leave immediately but it would take me too much time for the kid to wait for me to drive
home. I would purposely go to meet my neighbors always with muffins or cookies I baked as a reason, and gave them my name and number, right after moving in. Then I did the same anytime I had a new neighbor which happened four times that a house sold and i got new neighbors. I was not close with the others, nothing in common to be friends but I know how a neighbor can be weird. I had a next door neighbor who was great until we had a shed built in the back of our yard that came with a second story and small window above the barn like doors. We had that much stuff to store. He started complaining to us that we were trying to see into his yard and spy on him and his wife. The wife was sickly all the time, lots of medical issues so she wasn't even outside hardly at all, he was the only one I saw on a consistent basis. I asked him to come over and he could climb upstairs in our shed and look out and see how much I could see if I happened to look out. Our fence was wood and high enough that we could barely see the tops of heads of taller people so we couldn't see anything while on the ground. There was no window we could see in, only their back patio could be seen. I did lots of gardening so I knew by lack of voices they rarely used it. So asking if this was okay with him, that I promised I d o not spend my time in a hot shed staring at his patio when they are out, I asked if growing taller vegetation againsat my side of fence so the view of their patio was blocked, if that would be okay with him, He said yes. We planted bamboo as it is fast growing. We knew it could spread underground and was invasive. So it was planted in the plastic buckets they came in. They grew tall quickly and it satisfied him but broke out on the pots and spread unfortunately. I knew he was imagining a scenario that would never happen, that he had a fear, and since it was less likely that he would soon miraculously be cured of his fears, the next best thing was do something to help allay his fears. But in my situation, at least we were talking neighbors and he knew that he could voice his concerns to us. My husband was not as outgoing as me so it fell to me to meet neighbors. This is how it should work, even if neighbors weren't perfect and had phobias or anxieties.
Can you tell whats coming? I want to suggest you try to talk to him. I know you both won't ever be bosum buddies but if there was a distorted thinking reason why his bathroom window was clear, one shouldn't bring that up as a person will become defensive and not willing to even have a tentative friendly basis with a neighbor. If he were my neighbor, we might go over with a card and cookies. In the card, I would say something like "I know its a year since it happened but we never apologized for the incident when my partner happened to notice you at the bathroom window. I don't know what your reason for not having the glass treated for privacy and I understand that is your choice, but I would like to let you know we heard a loud sound, thought maybe it was some kind of animal in the yard and was looking out the window at that time closest to where we heard the noise and that is when the eye caught movement in peripheal vision so on thinking the animal was now in your yard, we looked and that is when you and I saw each other through the windows. I was too embarrassed at having caught you that way and wanted to apologize now that I got the guts to say something. (YOu might both go over but you do the talking for your partner if he can't or won't. )Then maybe at the end, put 'would you be willing to come over for a bbq as our guests one of these upcoming Saturdays? The reason I would put that is that if the person is willing to forgive and forget and be a friendly neighbor, such a person is more likely to agree and come if it can be sometime that works for them. If they act grouchy, no encouraging smile, or simply accept the cookies and card and say nothing and close the door, or simply not accepting your peace offering and just shut the door, then you can know that he is an asshole and it wasn't anything you saw or did that was wrong, He's the one with an attitude. Only a small percent of population is humans who are loners, and/or unfriendly and just mean down to their bones at the whole world, not just you. I would mind my own business then and not talk to them, and ignore whatever I hear them say through the fence. I am very outgoing. I am very vocal too if I feel something in my world needs to be addressed, something that is hurting others, not me necessarily. I don't suggest you do it but if they have friends over and you can be sure those people are out there in the yard, try to hear a whole sentence, not guess at a few words. But if you hear him say something like, "One day, my neighbor next door was peeping in my bathroom window, I should have called the police and reported him as a peeping Tom and had the police check him out. If I heard such a statement clearly spoken to his guests, I would have a retort to loudly speak through the fence, sounding as if I am defending myself which most people feel they have to do, but I would be saying it so the neighbor would hear what I have to say. This is after he doesn't accept my apology, even though I did nothing wrong. I have the balls to say,

"I tried to explain this all in a card to him (that he ignored or refused to read saying which it was) how it was accidental and I was looking for a wild animal in the yard when looking out the window. I was not a peeping Tom who repeatedly on numerous occasions looks into his bathroom window. He would know that if he'd read my card and accepted my apology for the one time incident. It would not have happened if his bath window had been frosted or a curtain in place. That leads me to wonder how you deal with using his restroom when there is a chance someone could see inside. He may threaten to call police but they would laugh at him, because he chooses to keep every single window clear of any curtains or such and It wasn't someone on his property peering in the window on purpose, just accidental. It is no crime to look out the windows of your own home. Imagine not being able to because a neighbor will assume you are purposely trying to see him nude. I hope you know what kind of person he really is if he holds a grudge a year later. If I were you, I'd look closely at this person you are spending time with." And that would be my way to let him know that I am not happy with him being an asshole of a neighbor and having embarrassed him in front of his friends. They don't need to see my face, just hear my voice.

By the way,if you do write a card, take a photo of it with your cell, the outside and what you wrote in it. If he does make a nuisance call against you just to spite you, it becomes handy to have proof of what was in the card you gave him or having the actual card he refused to take, if you ever have to deal with the police.But I am sure you both have nothing the police would even see as something to give you a warning about other than just stay away from him, don't try to interact and if he gives you any trouble in the future, give us a call. I was a caregiver of a new client who was mentally disturbed. It was 15 or 20 minutes until my shift was done and at that point I would call my company on the customers phone to log out via a phone recording. I reminded her that the company will question why I clocked out early. She screamed that she wanted me to leave immediately, so I said, I would as soon as I called my boss and told her what was up and then I'd clock out so I don't get in trouble. While I was busy with that, she secretly called police. What they heard was that someone was in her apartment and refused to leave when she told them. The police were in the area and knocking on the door the moment I got off the phone. SHe told her story but the police had gone through this with her countless times where she got mad if I did something my boss told me not to ever do for a client, there were rules. ANd thus I was about the 20th caregiver she'd had since being approved for help. The company said I was the last chance they were giving her. The police said they understood my position, didn't need to talk to my as my client called them frequently all over a caregiver not doing something she asked them to do that was against her Drs rules which the company advised me of. I was not in trouble with the police. All they said was that next time someone with mental problems starting losing control like that threatening to call police, get away from that person, don't spend a minute longer even trying to reason with her. She can't be reasoned with.

Police are often called to situations where the one who called in was obviously wacko and the other is not and by the circumstances, the one reported to police is not the problem and it is easy to see the caller is the one with issues. It has happened several times in my life and I have never been questioned much, and let go on my merry way. I wouldn't worry because even a nuisance complaint won't stick. A nuisance is someone playing their music too loud late at night, or someone throwing their trash over the fence into neighbors yard, allowing they dog to go poop only in the neighbors yard. No one will ever be banned from looking out their own window. It falls on the neighbor to make sure their windows are properly covered if they don't want to be seen.

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I’m a girl going into 9th grade and there is this guy that i’ve liked since the beginning of 6th grade. I recently just told him that i like him and he seemed super chill about it. He doesn’t seem like he likes me. He also just got out of a 6 month relationship a week before i told him about my big crush. I want to talk to him more but i don’t know if i should or even what to say. I’m clueless and don’t know what to do. Does anyone have any advice about this? Should i forget about him and move on? Or do i text him and try to start a relationship?

I want you to understand how awkward it feels when someone makes a statement like you did to this guy.
I'll be covering awkwardness and how two people end up right choices for dating and when that happens.

Right now, back to awkward. I'll tell you a story of what happened to me. Instead of 'I like you' I was told 'I hate you'. I want to show you how useless info like this is when told to someone, whether you like or hate someone. My Sister had a friend Tami who was invited over. Tami had a sister one year older, Janis who wanted to come along since she had also become friends when my sister was at their house. I knew of Janis who was a year younger than I in school because I saw her perform in assemblies as part of a dance team. Other than that, I had never had occasion to be in her presence, let alone talk to her or even lock eyes and just smile. It was a big school and we weren't in the same grade. Now they are at my home and Janis who didn't know me either, hadn't realized I was Sherries sister. I passed them in the backyard but otherwise went back to my room, minding my own business when my sis Sherrie comes to me and says, Janis told me to say something. She told me she hates you and I should tell you that. ASo I am guessing its best to stay out of her way while she's here." I was shocked to hear this. What was I supposed to do with this information.Why did Janis feel I needed to know that she for some odd reason felt such a strong feeling as hate, even though we were like two strangers and didn't know each other. Was she hoping to make an enemy that day, some one she could have fun fighting with every day at school by purposing seeking me out to torture me? You may think it makes more sense to say I love instead of I hate, but the situation is the same. In your case, he's probably in the same grade so you have had opportunity to see him and cross his path. However, other than your confession to him, there was no mention of actual friendship with him, any hanging out with him at school, not even smiling and saying Hi with using his name at school. If I am correct, the two of you have never interacted as friends but due to your crushing on him, and all the imaginings you've had of the two of you interacting, you may have felt already that you both knew each other, than just a name in a class but more like friends. What you need to learn now that will help you for the next handful of years in dating, is to know that just because one person is attracted to someone, does not automatically mean the other person feels the same in return. SO just becauese you like him as hopefully more than friends, he does not like you that way. Same as Janis stating she hated me when I had no feelings of hate or liking in return. I could not feel anything about her because I had no chance to interact with her and get to know her to form any opinion. Therefore, I just shrugged off her outburst as childish and immature and if it were a bucket, it would be just as faulty, unable to hold water. Her thinking was faulty. This kind of stuff happens often when we are any age before 25. Why 25? Because by our mid twenties, the frontal part of our brain which was not yet fully mature, unlike our bodies, needed until 25 or there a bouts to be able to reason well, make good decisions and be able to see the consequences ahead of time for any possible actions or words they say or do. I was once your age and I am now a much older adult. I know I did not reason and think correctly back then either. Then lots of it is just not knowing about certain things that I lived in life by the school of hard knocks, which means I had to experience all the good, bad and ugly stuff myself to be able to learn what I share with you now. You can attempt to learn yourself and avoid learning the same way I did, or ignore and learn everything the hard way.

You yourself stated, He doesn't seem to like me, which I assume doesn't mean he hates you instead, he simply doesn't feel any chemistry with you. Chemistry by the way, can seem to be all about a girls looks because guys are visually stimulated but in tests done in a University, I forget which one, a group of people asked questions to qualify for the test were put together in a waiting room, awaiting their turn to be called upon alone to answer more in depth questions to earn some money for doing it. What they did not know is that they were being observed in the waiting area and that was the actual test. It was a test to see what men are exactly attracted to in women not at first but in the end. Sure enough, with nothing to do but sit and wait, the men approached the model like females first. This is what we call attraction, and if our minds start imagining scenarios with that person immediately, our emotions follow suit with desire. However after some time spent with the model types, the men began to drift away and search out the other women who were more in the average looking department compared to the others. They had found various reasons they did not like the women who were prettier on the outside but not as pretty inside. Some were drama queens in their speech, extremely vain and only wanting to talk of themselves or girly stuff, were very worried about their looks and felt they were anything but pretty, etc. The men had no choice left but turn to average lookers for a way to pass time. All it took was Hi and introducing themselves and from the first few words, they were already attracted to more than the outside of the other women, because of one thing. The researchers had chosen women for this group who were very self confidant. So self confidence was shown to attract men as long as the women were average looking and it had the staying power of him being interested in hanging out just with her, not the prettier girls.

I acted self confident sometimes by accident so I knew it worked. After reading this in my adult life, I began to choose to act self confident at first, then with the favorable results, I simply was self confident anywhere, everywhere. That made a big difference in how I attracted people to me, both those I liked in return and others whom I had no chemistry with, nor anything in common.

Self confidence might sound like being able to walk up to someone and tell them something like you did. What that is called is having the guts or braveness to do it. However it is not going to be seen as confidence because it is useless information to him. It is useless because he does not know you as a person and has no kind of frienship with you to base any ideas on.

If you failed to tell me that the two of you talk fairly regularly at school with him choosing to approach you first and start the conversations half the time, then he is interested. But you did not say that.

Just in case though, I must tell you that males do not approach and talk to females they are not interested in at least as just friends because they don't feel that pheromone chemistry to them when in their presence, or they are interested in the female as 'more than friends' where both feel this chemistry with each other. A guy will never approach a girl they don't like in one way of the other because it could encourage a girl they don't like to come after him and then he'd have no idea how to say no without hurting her feelings and that is something guys are terrified of, hurting a girls feelings and seeing her cry. Since guys aren't openly emotional, they have no clue what to do with that and thus if they find a girl they date is not someone they like enough to stay with, they may break up by becoming distant, sending a text to break up, or just in general avoiding her. Of course we see it as a guy treating us crappy but it is more a human nature thing as far as it pertains to males.

Should you move on in your mind? Wait until you determine if he is even interested enough to become friends. If you are not friends yet, he can't know if he will like the you inside of you, your character and personality. How did you make girlfriends? It felt so natural you didn't have to think about it. You showed interest in them by smiling at them, greeting them by name and making small talk which is maybe talking about the weather, a class you're both in, asking how their weekend went and later asking what hobbies and things they like to do, favorites of all thing, music, books movies, food, color, etc.... this is still surface stuff. Its when two people spend time hanging out, they find out the moods of the other person, their manners, their beliefs and so on. So try the smiling whenever you see him if your eyes meet, greet him by name. Pay him a compliment, like if you truly think the color of his shirt is a good color on him, ask him a question pertaining to a class you share, maybe how he did on a test, or what did he think of the substitute teacher the other day. This is small talk, but if he likes the vibes coming off of you and he has the time to talk, he may start talking more and then you have a real conversation. This is a good sign to give friendship a try. I have learned to know the difference between the feeling of excitement of a new relationships energy, nre and whether there is chemistry or not. Chemistry is what makes two people feel drawn to cuddle and kiss and eventually sex but that is the only thing missing in being friends, otherwise both friends and more than friends still have the one thing called friendship. You do not exchange friendship for chemistry but look for both in a person. this is why I am taking such a long time to train you what all the difference is and how to go about it. I wish I had someone to tell me this stuff when I was your age.
If he doesn't respond wanting to become a friend and seek you out as a friend, then he is not interested in you, move on. You will use this recipe for finding a guy to date if he doesn't work out. So how do you move on if you have to but can't stop thinking about him?

That is a big question I get often. You'll have to trust me when I explain the following which is based in psychology. I am talking of your Subconscious mind, (SM). The SM is aware of all that is going on in your life during the day, it is not only active while you are asleep. the SM is what is causing your problem combined with what it picks up from your conscious mind. So if you pick up clues that he has no interest, you need to talk to yourself, actually your subconscious as if it were another person inside of you. People can be at odds with their subconscious and if so, end up being very unhappy people prone to repeat the same mistakes over and over. To avoid that, I became friends with my subconscious because I chose to see it as another me, a different me inside, totally different from my conscious self. The SM takes in info during the day, the way a friend treated you, a hard test you had to do, your favorite dinner that night, a sad or scary movie you watched. If you show a tendency to focus your thoughts on certain things, how you felt when a teacher treated you badly, the boy you think most about, a SM will assume that it is important to you because you spend so much time thinking of it, that it will then amp up how often you think of, and help give you greater feelings than warrant the situation. If a person has a phobia, the sm plays a big part in resurfacing their fears at every turn and situation. A crush is where the relationship of the person you are interested in, is just a one sided thing, with only you aware of how you feel and the other person not knowing. If a dorky guy you can't stand in class comes up and tells you that he likes you, what would you do with that. He's been crushing on you forever and thought that telling you would make you want to date him or something? It is a shock to begin with and you don't like him or want to encourage him so you may just act cool as a cucumber, chill but not do or say anything to encourage the guy. Same as was done to you. Thats why you can't rely on it as a good sign that this guy seemed super chill. Texting back and forth is not a great way to run a relationship. Maybe at first, texting if available to take a call or ask what their plans are for the day or if you have something to invite them to, it works. But any on going conversation can not flow. When it can't flow naturally because both are waiting for each other to return a text or it goes for a long time cus they're busy before they answer, we assume they are not interested. If it takes more than two or three texts, I will just call the person who texted. Obviously they need to ask or discuss more than a few texts could handle, however young people text first before face to face or on the phone conversation. Heres a real problem why you should avoid trying to start a friendship by only relying on texting. Lets say you are eating dessert while he texts, and you state you were dishing up a second helping so thats why you hadn't texted right back. His text say, "A bit greedy aren't you?" You see that and think 'omg, he thinks i overeat, maybe he thinks I am fat'. What he meant as just a tease is taken wrong because you didn't get to hear his tone of voice or see his face to know the words were a tease. Guys and gals both like to make the person they are into, smile and laugh. If you had been in person with him, hearing those words, his light hearted voice and the big grin on his face, you would know he was teasing and your response could have been something like, Yeah I am greedy when it comes to cheesecake, always have to have a second pience cus its my favorite dessert in the world. Now he knows something about you and may surprise you with a mini single serving cheesecake to show you he was listening and cares about what your favorites of anything are. And that is a good sign. If you don't believe what I am saying watch others and when a guy makes a girl respond in laughter, watch what happens to his face, his will light up, or a big grin or it may seem his eyes change as if they alone are smiling, but its visible. I have shared a lot, all of it relevant to dating or starting out, even how to determine if someone is interested in return. If you have a situation in the future that isn't covered here but you want to learn either before or even to learn how it could've been handled better after the fact, go to my column, Dragonflymagic and write to me from there. Otherwise, I wish you the best.

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Our coworker invited me and my friend to go to a birthday party for another coworker. But one of my friends didn’t have a good relationship with the birthday girl in the first place. Eventually we picked up the coworker that invited us and we went. Once we got there, the birthday girls mother mistaken my friends name for another girl, and she felt distant. As well as the coworker that invited us was very distant with the both of us, and acted like he didn’t know us, as well as the other coworkers that were there, we felt ignored. By the end of the day, everyone was quite rude and eventually as we were leaving, I overheard them say, “who invited them?” And I felt quite hurt. Right after we left, we felt broken as if we did something wrong. I need advice on how I could ever mak myself feel better after what happened. Thanks

How to feel better? Well, what I do is look to see if there is anything I can learn from a not so good situation. This is how we learn. Adults are not exempt from trying something and it not working. You were not the problem. The co worker who invited you along is one of the problems and I will go into that more soon. The host/hostess was also a problem because if they noticed a person or people at their place whom they did not invite, they should have found out who you are, and how you came to be there. That is common sense. It would be like sitting at a stop light in your car and doors are unlocked and someone hops in and sits in the back seat. You wouldn't ignore them and pretend that is normal, you would either tell them to leave or maybe ask why they got into your car or better yet, you might discreetly dial 911 because frankly, anyone I did not invite may be okay but in todays world, it could be someone up to no good like casing my joint for a robbery later.

A lesson for you to take away from this: Next time if there is a next time, that someone you know invites you to join them for a party they are invited to, no matter whose party it is, You ask if they have specifically asked the host/hostess if you could bring a guest or two. In this age, often all you have to say if they need a body count ahead to have enough food/drinks, and a plus one is okay for RSVP, then the invitee wanting to invite extras along must let the people know. YOu may not be able to trust what someone tells you. A common answer I've heard people say is "Oh them? Yeah, they're okay with anyone new showing up. They like meeting people so it won't bother them." You can always ask for the name and number of the people yourself and get in touch. Mention who said it was okay to come but you know if you were hosting something, you'd want control over who shows up. Let them know it won't hurt your feelings if they have a limit for number of people or have any reason why they would not be okay with you coming along. Your friend would have to do the same. If its a married couple, then only one of you have to double check with the hosts. I was once invited with husband to go along with friends to a party. It was out of town and we were not kids but adults. I told the inviters that I would not feel good showing up unless I know the hosts were forewarned and okay with it. They got on their cell and called the people right then and we found out that these people indeed didn't mind strangers invited along as long as they knew someone there. You also know to not accept anything like this again from the co worker who acted distant. When ever I feel bad about how something turns out, Instead of feeling embarassed or bad, I look for a way to turn a bad experience into something good and the only way I know that really works is looking to see if there's anything I can learn from it. If you do the same, I think you'll feel better real soon and having a plan based on what you learned makes it so you don't feel antsy, worried or awkward later.

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okay, before i start i want to ask everyone reading to take me seriously because this is something that actually drives me to the brink of madness every single ******* day. it might sound weird but rather than judging me, just give me your best advice because lord knows i need it. i am a 17 year old girl. back in december 2018, (i was still 17) my friends and i decided to go to this small restaurant we had never been to before. he (let's call him john) works there as a manager. that's when i first saw him, and right away we striked up conversation. he asked me for my name and i told him, and he has remembered it every time since. i immediately was attracted to him when i first saw him, but after that night i really wanted to see him again. i started going to that restaurant a lot with my friends, and they all knew it was because i wanted to see him and they teased me for it and joked around about me being into older guys. i found out he is 38, and it didn't even bother me because i actually assumed he was older. now it is june 2019 and i don't know what to do because im super into him and i know it would never work. im not gonna lie, when i go into the restaurant i try to make sure i look good because i know his schedule and when he's gonna be there (he told me this i didn't even ask). i can't tell if he finds me attractive but he always uses my name when he talks to me and every time i come in we talk and have conversations and i just seriously really love being around him. if i'm being honest, i definitely flirt with him when i go to the restaurant and i think i've made it obvious that i like him. i KNOW he's 38 but idk i can't help what i feel it's strange but i even ******* dream about him and i feel like it's consuming my life. i really wish he was younger or i was older so i could have a higher chance of getting to know him and everything. i turn 18 in three months so obviously i would not do anything before then. but when i do turn 18, a huge part of me really wants to pursue this and at least maybe hook up with him. i am not sure if he would want to but i wanna try, should i not??? i don't see the harm in that anyway. i know he is single bc i stalked his facebook (lol i know im insane) and he has no kids and has never been married. he's really independent and that's what i'm attracted to. i'm just so into him help it's bad and please don't tell me im going to get him sent to prison bc im not planning on doing anything until its legal

Normally I would say age doesn't matter. You know its a year until you are legally an adult so any guy who knows your age and is willing to even just date you could have some oddball accuse him of having sex with you which a guy can go to jail for.
Even if you were 17, I rememver that age myself and though I was very mature, as I am sure you are, I really had no life experience yet to make any real sound decisions on. At a month before I turned 20, I married and that guy was a big mistake, fooled my entire family. He ended up being verbally abusive. I am not saying you could end up in that situation, but anything in between is still not good. If you were 25 or older, I'd say go for it, no matter how much older the guy is. I have a reason for choosing age 25. The pre-frontal cortex of the brain is still not mature yet and won't be until about age 25. This means the part of the brain responsible for good decision makeing is still immature, even if the person is mature in all other ways. That was my situation and I ended up not making a good decision. Looking back, the warning signs were there, stuff my family wouldn't know but I had absolutely no idea, no real life experience to compare it to.

I think it would be best for you to wait for any serious relationship. Now, as to what you can do, that is if you are willing to do so, there is something that can be done to hopefully stop thinking so much about him.
Now I share a bit about psychology because it involved what your subconscious mind is doing. It is responsible for all your thoughts on this guy. From thoughts, come our emotions. Think of a sad movie that wasn't a true life deal, just made up but you get drawn into it. Yo hear and see things that get your mind thinking about how sad the movie situation is, as if it was real and then real tears follow. The same goes for focusing thoughts on a person. The more you think, the more the emotions follow of feeling inspired, desire, love, what ever. To understand what is happening, a bit about the subconscious: it is like another person living inside you and it wants to please you as much as it can. So whatever you focus your thoughts on a lot, the sub conscious mind will assume that thing or person makes you happy and goes into over drive on bringing up feelings, dreams, letting your imagination run wild. So if you want it to stop, every time your thoughts turn to him, you have to be willing to be looking out for that and telling your self, whether internally in your mind or out loud verbally, that he is much older and you haven't lived any of your adult life yet so you need to stop thinking about him. You will be surprised how often thoughts come up right after you told yourself 'no.' I did this when a man I was dating had an ex wife plead with him to give their marriage a 2nd try so he went back to her. I was devastated and had to stop having so many thoughts of him, just to start moving on. I used this method and it worked great. This is why I am telling you that it can be done, however in the first few days of telling yourself no every time a thought of him comes up, is tough because the thoughts can come again just minutes after you caught the first one. I rememver being shocked to have as much as around 30 times or more in one hour of thoughts of the guy. It gets slowly better the next day and the next until the occasional thought might make you smile but there is no longer that great emotional pull on you.

If you think you are doing something wrong, you aren't. Young female teens and college age females will often find themselves preoccupied by thoughts on one guy or another, even if the current time is not a right time or the situation is one where it can't happen. This is a thing where females subconsciously without realizing why they do it, pick up information on a guy, stuff they like. They immediately think its because they have feelings for a guy, married or not, no matter the age, but what really caught their attention was info to be filed away and remembered as part of the criteria of what she is looking for in a man to marry someday. There may not be any obvious thing, just picking up on chemistry. Hey, I have felt chemistry with a few people other than my husband, but I am not going to imagine or go chasing after them because of it. The info I am talking about is all sorts of stuff that a female is supposed to remember as being impressed with. That is all she needs to do for now. I wish I knew this at your age, but I didn't learn until after I divorced the ex after 30 years.

More examples of how this worked, at puberty, my friend and I would spy on my parents and their friends in the backyard because we both thought the one husband was a hot looking older man. What this may convey is that I wanted a guy I could be attracted to like this. At church, there was a deacon who was 50 or so, married but I found my thoughts drawn to him. I had to ask myself why. What I saw there was how he was a very patient and friendly with people. Always available to help anyone out. Plus he was still a Fox at his age. I realized I admired someone who was good with people, patient and helpful to others. I did not get any of that in my first husband because I did not know this, which I am sharing now with you. I did get all those things in my 2nd husband. I had a list of criteria of what I would and would not accept in a man to marry. Something that still impresses me is standing in line outside at a fish and chips bar...well, it was more of an unorganized mass of people so the salesperson yelled out, "Who is next?" as they really didn't know. The man and his wife I was standing closer to, raised his hand, got their attention and said, "I believe this young lady here is next." He wasn't pointing at me but at a very elderly women standing on the other side of him. He was charming and had just complimented and made the day of the elderly woman by calling her young. He had the right attitude. I saw something that day that I wanted for myself, a man who treated me like that first, not because he felt he had to but because that was a part of who he was, a man who treats ALL women in his life kindly, with reverence and I found that in my 2nd husband. He treats me that way first. But he will also be nice like that to other females who come across our path. Those are examples of how I picked up on things I liked about males but unfortunately had no idea I was supposed to look for such a man myself. I would hope you could look at this guy as one to gain some important info for yourself to make your list of critera of what you want when searching for Mr. Right. You can make a list of things you experience in dating relationships that you don't like, lets say such as a guy who gets so jealous of not just other guys but even girlfriends taking up your time that he forbids it. If that happened, I would hope its obvious that is a bad quality to void in the future. With each new person you choose to date, rather than wait for a guy to ask you out, you choose one who is a step better than the one before, never settling for the same or less. I hope this all inspires you.

I wouldn't read much into him calling you by name and chatting with you much. I know plenty of people in a service type job like his who remember names of customers. I go to Starbucks often and people on all shifts know me well by now and greet me by name. Of course most are now the ages of my own kids but they will hold very fun short animated conversations with me because they see i am open and friendly. Of any service oriented jobs I have done, each one trains the employees to greet customers and be helpful to them. The customer is number one. I went above what they expected of just being friendly and greeting a familiar face with a Hello. I asked many of my repeat customers for their names, cus mine was already on a name tag. I would try to learn a few things about a person, single, going to school, works doing lawn and garden maintenance, and so on. So you cant count on the fact he does this as singling you out, even if he doesn't talk to or greet your other friends that way. I only chose to ask friend who smiled and seemed to send off friendly, approachable vibes. Some people don't want to be bothered by a service person chatting with them, especially if they are not looking for a new friend or are too focused on their own agenda.

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Hello! thanks for reading this! For the past 4 months I have been studying abroad. I originally live in the U.S. and came to South Korea to get away from many things that were hurting me mentally and spiritually. Before coming to Korea, I was very familiar with the culture because I am deeply interested in settling in Korea to form a family and spend the rest of my days. As my time in Korea is coming to an end, I have been thinking of when I should come back. However, there is a problem. Although I do live in the U.S., I am not a U.S. citizen yet. I am a college undergrad, I only have a year left to graduate. I wanted to come to Korea to do my Masters degree, but my parents keep telling that instead of coming after graduating, I should wait three more years (until I can apply for American citizenship) and then I can move for sure. I am very unhappy with the life I have in the U.S., and in Korea I have been a bit limited in terms of money and time but I think these past 4 months have been the happiest I have ever been in my entire life.

I am having a hard time trying to decide whether I should wait three years, and live in the U.S. until then, or come to Korea to do my Masters. Help!!! What should I do? Thanks in advance!

YOu should follow your heart which means that which you desire but will also bring you the end result you want, the full degree that you want. YOu can't go by what others tell you, whether teachers, friends, family or even strangers as to what you should do. That decision is entirely yours as it is all about your life. YOur parents can't live your life for you and shouldn't try to do so through you.

You need to check with lawyers in Korea as to whether you have to go through a specific process to even be able to go back to the U.S. You were likely there under your parents covering while a child. It happened somewhat like that for me. Was born in another country, though in my case, my parents became US citizens and as their child it was a simple paper to change my status as a little child to automatically be considered a U.S. citizen along with them. However they did not do that, deciding to leave it for me to decide when I was older. So when I decided to marry and live in the U.S. which had been my only home, I had to talk to immigration lawyers to find out how to become legal to be in the U.S. It was easy for me. Your situation is different but unique and sounds like you'd need to get some advice from immigration lawyers. You might be able to have a duel citzenship, but I don't know for sure so you have to check it out, or find out if you can return to the U.S. even if your parents are not citizens. If you were born in the U.S. to non citizens, you are a U.S. citizen and can return easily. However if you were born in Korea and the parents moved to the U.S. while you were very little, just growing up here doesn't make you legal and I do not know if there is a way to get back into the U.S. if you want to. If you have a U.S. citzenship from being born there, and want to stay in Korea, you should get citizenship in Korea if you plan to stay. So talking to a lawyer who specializes in these things may help you decide.

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Hi there, I have had many jobs since I was 16 and I am now 34. I've had this very hard to define issue at every job I've ever had and also in a few of my personal relationships. I'll do my best to explain but it isn't an easy thing to outline.

A very large portion of my interactions are based on the other person or people assuming I am ignorant about whatever it is we are talking about or incompetent and unable to perform the task correctly. At work, in a job I have had for three years in an industry I've been working in for six years, every day I have very basic tasks and ideas explained to me painfully slowly, or I am stopped from doing routine tasks associated with my job, because someone else is convinced I am going to do it incorrectly. Or if there is some sort of breakdown in communication or a process isn't fully fleshed out by upper management. The first assumption is that I've made some sort of mistake and we spend hours trying to figure out how I messed up only to find out that the outcome was always going to be that way. The "solution" is usually to remove me from whatever the project is or have everyone just ignore me while the "competent people" handle the difficult task.

If I complain about these things I am just told that my problem is I never just let things go and I am too sensitive... And if I don't say anything and just try to deal with it I am told that my problem is I never stand up for myself. This is at every job I've ever had.

Here is a list of the most frustrating issues

I've been stopped in the middle of presentations and told to sit down because someone "thought I was going to say something that wasn't correct".

I've had sales managers refuse to give me the contact information for clients I am supposed to be supporting and then reprimand me for not reaching out to them.

I've had a manager I've never worked with before yell at me in front of the entire team for not doing something she said she sent me in an email but I couldn't find it in my Inbox and she couldn't forward me another copy. Later she called me into her office and apologized before asking what I plan to do to make sure I don't make this mistake again...as if I was the one who made the mistake.

I’ve had a sales manager yell at me in front of everyone because he found a four year old version of a presentation someone who had my job before me did and thought I submitted very old information. It wasn’t even for one of his projects.

Just a few seconds ago I just had a very frustrated operations specialist reprimand me for sending confirmation information to the wrong team. After I told him I just replied to the team that sent the original email, he ignored what I said and just explained who gets what email slowly and loudly...after a few minutes he realized I sent the confirmation to the correct team and them reprimanded me for making him think I sent it to the wrong team.

My calls are scrutinized every day and my methods are constantly being confused with things I've never done that if I did do would have serious consequences. So I have to reassure everyone that I am not doing these things constantly.

My numbers are on par with the rest of my group and I am often tasked with understanding new concepts and relaying that information to the rest of the team, but everyone just assumes my information is wrong.

It's almost like no matter how well I'm doing or how hard I'm trying, I am failing at something in the eyes of the people I have to collaborate with.

Oh you poor thing, you have to work with nincoompoops for an older word, or plain old idiots!

I am now 60. When I was your age, there was always going to be a little of the same but not as bad as jobs are becoming today. Here is my guess based on what you write and by the way, you explain yourself, well so I don't think you are the problem at all.

My guess is that society is going down hill quickly as far as intelligence is concerned and mental sharpness, which is magnified in the work place. In jobs I have worked recently, I find the managers or bosses to not have any skills as far as being able to lead a group of workers. To some extent, many of workers are going to know that they aren't as competent as they should be and more often than not it is at the levels of positions that you have had problems with, like the managers and specialists who fear hanging on to their job when someone who is far more intelligent than them, more organized, sharper minded, smarter, more intelligent, wise and creative than them. It would obviously make them look bad. I can say that some of it is intentional against you but lots of it could be subconscious reactions. Their subconscious may make them react and treat you a certain way out of fear for holding onto to their job, even though they know with their conscious mind that it isn't a professional way to act, and thus one manager apologizing to you. Those who are prideful may never apologize for their critical errors in the workplace of making assumptions, chewing out a person in public rather than private which causes embarrassment to the employee, not having a quality control department or manager to fix problems that were already existent and not the fault of employees taught to follow a bad plan. I see a lot more of mistakes they are making. ONe thing such as yelling at you in front of others, happened to me with a co worker who was the floor lead and much much younger than me. I didn't mind. I could respect good management no matter the age and treated her as a peer but she yelled at everyone, though more at me. One day I took her aside and told her that when she yells as she does, it causes a certain reaction in me. I told her my first husband was verbally abusive so I left him. Now when she yells, that brings it back and makes me nervous, prone to more mistakes or freezing up. Her expression changed and she revealed that her Dad had been verbally abusive and she didn't realize until I had said something, that she was doing the same thing. She stopped yelling at me but continued to do it to others. So she changed a little but not enough. This would fall into what I was told as a young worker, do not bring your problems from home or your private life to work and let them affect your performance on the job. I'll bet many of those you hear and see saying and doing the wrong things are doing so because they have issues away from work or from their upbringing, have never been told to keep it out of the workplace, have never gone to counseling to deal with deep seated issues, etc.

It is very frustrating to be in the work force today compared to how I remember it 30 or 40 years ago. Even in the last ten years It has become noticeably worse. I have my suspicions as to why so many people lack the skills or quality to do their jobs. It starts with the brain and its ability to work well as God created it to. Unfortunately, something or several somethings are slowly dumbing down the minds of many. What you get in more distorted thinking, leading to more mental issues, lack of quality work. I see grammer mistakes in billboards, on busses, on posters, on line and in books. Proof readers are not catching as many errors as they have decades ago. I can't pick up and read a book that has only two errors or none as it used to be. I find so many I lose count now a days and it is frustrating as I think I read it wrong and will re read a paragraph 3 times before I realize they made the mistake. I do not know what the solution to this issue is. What could help at work is something the last big company I worked for did. It had to do with calling in a person who specialized in helping companies development a quality control to what they did with addition of one person, who managed quality control of the entire company and managed a team of people consisting of one representative from each department. The department leads and managers and even workers would share all their concerns of work flow hold ups were, whether in their own department or between departments. My boss chose me to represent the department. It still took time but charts were created and with the training our QC manager had, we were asked what happened at the next stage as a document or procedure was handled until completion. We discovered there were quite a few dead ends with no procedures in place. I had to interact with many people of other departments and so I discovered a problem that had never been brought up in one area because that department was small, only handled by one person who could not take time away from her positiion of 'long time storage' to attend the QC meetings, so I took up the cause for her, presented the issues to the QC manager and working with him, as I knew of the issues because I had spoken with many of the disgruntled customers (a moving company) I helped come up with solutions. I never saw them implemented because I had to leave for personal reasons. I can say it is a great thing. All I can think of is if you were to look up quality control people who talk to companies, tell them the company has issues but you don't want them to have your name, just let them know to come approach the owner of your company and show them how they can improve their work flow and thus their level of success. We also worked on employees outlook so they were happy, enjoyed working there, worked well with others and the company funded fun team building events plus just fun stuff such as a bar be que out in the parking lot for employees.

If you have never seen the movie, Idiocracy, I urge you to watch it. the movie is from 2006 and a comedy concerning people in the future being, well plain old idiots and no one having even an average IQ anymore. Two people from our time are frozen and wake up in the future to what is scary to think about, especially for many who are seeing the beginning of this start to happen every where. So while funny, it is also scary to contemplate. Thankfully, I'll be long dead before our world actually becomes this bad. Its bad enough now and it bugs the heck out of me. So sorry I can't give any other ideas. Maybe change your training to learn about quality control and get hired by a company who sends teams out to big firms to help them pin point what problems they have with getting the work done. At least, that way you can be doing something where your intelligence isn't questioned as bosses and employees look to you for help and answers. As long as you are an employee in any company where they do not care to make any procedure better or more efficiant and still want to look good thought they are stupid, you will continue to see these problems. It also might help to find a small company like a family owned business where they hire only one or two outsiders who are not family to help with the work load. That way, there are less people to deal with and so more of a chance to work with nice, fairly normal people.

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Thanks so much for the advice! In the answer to my "sad social life" question, you asked me to contact you if I thought I had social anxiety. To be honest,I have no idea if I do or not, but I was wondering if there are any treatments or things I could do to help it? Thanks!

I have what I did. At the time, I asked God for help and the following is what I heard to do. Later as an adult, I came across a book by a psychologist who talks about how to overcome anxieties of any kind. My social anxiety was covered and what he recommended for his patient was almost identical to mine that I felt goosebumps on my neck. I really had heard right from God.
Before I start my story, I also want to mention is that when you start, it's about about facing your fears. People tell others to take a leap of faith. However that is not how life works. If we had the faith, we wouldn't have the fear to begin with. What we need to do is take those steps, even though we feel fear while doing so. It is in the process of finding our fears to be ungrounded after we come out victoriously on the other side that we will gain faith. So don't hesitate to take your leap of fear.

I used to be so shy I wouldn't get up to use the pencil sharpener in grade school because I didn't want the other kids to stare at me. I refused to do book reports for fear of speaking in front of the class. So my grades would suffer. In contrast, my dad was a very friendly extroverted person and always bringing home new friends he had made. Us kids liked it cus these “uncles” would bring candy for us and many had accents from around the world with lots of interesting stories too.

It took until I was about 17 before I decided I was sick and tired of being so shy. I didn't have the guts to just switch behavior and start talking. Strange how I never thought to talk to my dad about that and get help from him. So I prayed and asked God for help (He knows each of us better than anyone )
and here's the answers I got. It sure helped me and I know it will help you. You can skip any steps you already have mastered.
None of this involves using people you already know because you already have some comfort level there For this exercise, you will have to drop the teaching, “Never talk to strangers”. Just use common sense and talk to people in public places where other people are around and don't go off alone with anyone. So here's your lesson.

1. Smile at strangers every day as you come across them. When you are comfortable with this, move on to step 2
2. Smile and add saying hello to people you don't know. This is already harder because your mind will be going, "They're gonna think I'm nuts cus I am saying hi and they dont even know me." When you can do this without feeling awkward or shy, move to step 3
3. Smile and say hi to and then pay a compliment to another person you don't know. It could be telling the grocery clerk you love her necklace. Keep paying compliments to people until you can do so without being fearful of their reaction or simply the act of doing it.
4. Smile, say Hi, and start a conversation with a stranger. Here's an example. When I'd be at a clothing rack and another woman was there...no matter her age, I would make a comment to her about the clothing. I'd pull something off the rack and ask what she thinks of it for me.
Keep trying statements with a question to get responses from a person. If they don't open up and start responding and sharing some of their story or thoughts then they are part of the 10 % of people who are hermit like and don't like being around people or talking to them. I took a class that taught about personality types and discovered that 90% of people are very friendly but almost all of that 90% will not start conversation first. If you can learn to start conversation first, in every situation, you will find that the majority of people respond in a very friendly and supportive way. They won't find the fact that you start talking too weird. Once they figure you're a naturally friendly person you will see them willingly respond back and share bits and pieces of information and such.
I was trying to pick ripe but not over ripe melon one time when an older woman was tapping and listening to the melons. I asked what she was doing and she explained that there is a certain sound it makes so I learned something. Later we bump into each other in another aisle, and I say, "Well Hello again!" Her response, "Hello again. Do you use coupons?" "Sometimes." "Do you buy this product," she shows me something in her cart, "Yes I do." "Well I happen to have a coupon for a great deal on it if you'd like," and without waiting for my response reaches into pocket and hands it to me. You'd be amazed at the conversation you could have with people and be able to share helpful info with them or vice versa. And sometimes in the conversing you may find people who you have some things in common with and you decide to keep in touch with and exchange cell numbers and /or get their name for facebook friending. Once you are comfortable with talking to one person, then its a small matter to talk to groups of people.
This should help you.

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Thank you so much for your wonderful advice! I talked to my mom and sister about the guy and she seemed pretty happy. She had me show pictures of him and asked me all sorts of things. She did warn me though to be careful as most mothers would. Now she is going to talk to my dad about it and then tell me if I can go on a date with him. As you suggested, if they say no, I would like to speak to them about us starting as friends and such. I think this will work. I do expect a no from my dad because he is protective of me and knows what young guys may think. I may follow up with you depending on what he says. Is there anything else I can do to reassure my dad?

A good point to share is that you are 15, and it is 3 short years until you turn 18 and are then an adult and able to decide on your own whether you want to have sex with someone. You would rather spend time now getting to know and understand some of the differences between men and wemen. (please explain you mean the differences such as spelled out in the book 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus', not the sex difference. There are many couples who break up over misunderstanding the heart and intent of their sweetie due to how a male or female differs in how they think, reason and come to conclusions. It is vital to learn this stuff before coming to the age of exploring sex. 3 years may just barely be enough for you to start learning such stuff. Likewise the young males also need to learn how to understand why females act and think as they do. Even if you haven't thought of this yourself, trust me, I learned most of mine after getting married. It sure helped me through my life. If your Dad needs an example, here is one that males do. In wanting to protect the female, not scaring her about something that happened, they will tend to select certain things not to share with her, such as my 2nd husband not telling me he almost fell off a roof to his death or at least serious injury, by a coworker catching his hand at last second. This wasn't the first narrow escape of injury and he knew if he told me, I would worry about him and a males reasoning is that it is okay to withhold information if it would worry or stress their lady. Also, if there is a need to go separate ways, a guy might act distant rather than come out and tell her because again he feels it would hurt her less this way. So if your Dad is iffy on the whole thing, once he hears this example, he will have to agree because I guarantee he is just like that to some extent as he is a male and it seems to be a quality bred into the male humans.

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does a woman vagina get wet when flirting

Before I answer that question, I'd like to provide a little background so you will understand my answers better.
Male and female fetuses look pretty similar throughout most of the first trimester. The genitalia are just starting to develop from their root, the "genital tubercle," which slowly develops into either a penis or clitoris. This genital tubercle is same size in boys and girls until around 14 weeks gestation, when the penis begins to elongate. Then come other changes such as the urethra going through the penis in males and traveling between the clit and vagina in females where all that is visible, or sometimes not even seen, is the pee hole in females. When examined closely, the clit in women will still look like a head of a miniature penis that is buried inside her body.

Now some comparisons as I explain. When a male is aroused, he may find a bead of moisture on the tip of his penis. This is the pre cum, and it's purpose is lubricating the penis in the case that there will be 'penis in vagina' sex. Likewise, females will find their vagina gets wet too is aroused, for the same purpose, a thicker fluid that doesn't run out of them but serves the purpose to lubricate the vagdina for sex.
Does everyone woman have this happen every time she is aroused? No. Women generally need much more time, attention and the right circumstances to get 'wet'. I am a female and can say that even when young, there were times I could acknowledge a cute guy, and feel the flip flops of my heart and a tummy doing somersaults but not getting wet automatically. Yes, there are always a few who may get wet if the chemistry is right and she is flirting back and forth with a guy. Guys get wet and are ready for sex or in anticipation of sex or when flirting, or at night while dreaming. They get wet much quicker than females. Before the male starts feeling superior though for that fact, listen to this. A female is more like a clothing iron, she takes a longer time to get hot, but once she is hot, she can go for a long long time and have a string of not just one or two or three orgasms but many more right after the other, if the male is working on her. I am going to explain another kind of wetness in females now.

Orgasm in females doesn't happen with many at all even though their bodies are capable. It is mainly lack of knowledge and not enough research on female genitalia to provide the public with. A male can get hard and wet just by looking at a female, dreaming of her or just being near her as a friend. Males may ejaculate while wearing their clothes, but more likely the sight of a nude female they are attracted to is one reason and the other is having sex with a female. So a male basically only needs a mind focused on the subject to ejaculate. A female can ejaculate too with orgasms but it is rare due to not enough knowledge on the subject. In fact, a high percentage of females never have an orgasm in their entire life. Part of this is due to males assuming that the friction of a penis is enough to produce the orgasm in a female. That is not so. Just as the stroking of the head of a males penis may produce orgasm, in females, there is a higher density of nerve endings in a female in a smaller region, her clit which is much like a glans of penis. So by stimulation of it, she can achieve strong orgasms and these can be long and multiple as well. The other orgasm for a female is manipulation of her G spot. The G spot is about two inches or less inside the vagina on the upper part just beyond the pubic bone. It feels wrinkled like a prune. It has the ability to swell like the males penis so it too fills with blood which makes it no longer wrinkled as it has expanded. It takes a special touch that the friction of penis in vagina sex for the most part does not cause. I mentioned earlier that her urethra is between her clit and vagina. This means the G spot is right in front of the urethra. If she or a male is rubbing, tapping or whatever stroke works best for her and keeps it up, the spot swells and any touches start to feel like she has to pee because it is of course also hitting the urethra through the G spot.

At this point, most females feeling the strong urge to pee due to this rubbing against their urethra, will stop and say they need to pee. The thing is, even if she empties her bladder right before sex, she will still feel this urge, with an empty bladder. Why? The reason she feels this is because she is about to have a G spot orgasm. She holds back and so never has the orgasm. If she would only empty her bladder first for peace of mind and when she feels the urge, just let go, she'd have an orgasm where it isn't just the orgasm but she actually ejaculates much like a male does in orgasms. The fluid comes from somewhere inside the vagina and scientists have not yet discovered for sure exactly where.. The only difference between females who do get G spot orgasms and gush versus those that don't, is a tiny connecting tube that some have and some don't. They still ejaculate but it drains into their bladder rather than coming flooding out of their vagina. Scientists checking the contents of bladder before and after G spot orgasm, found something besides just urine in the contents of the bladder. Once a female who knows who to gush is stimulated just right, she can have multiple orgasms strung together this way as well as with clit stimulation. A female can even get wet if she lacks the connecting tube and does gush, simply by the male patting his open hand very fast against her outer lips and may be lucky to see her spray, much like a make can shoot his ejaculation. This is more than you actually asked for. However there used to be such a thing as a sex ed. chapter to health class and we learned some of this stuff. The rest I learned from research on my own. Today, most schools no longer teach sex ed so younger people are ignorant of most of everything that entails sex, the genitalia, pregnancy, etc. It isn't ones fault if they don't know but it will be if people do not take the time to research and learn on their own so they can enjoy a better sex life, safely too. I have given you what you do need to know. For more info, turn to the web and read or watch videos with charts explaining. Oregon state University once put out several videos of an acutual sex ed. class for those wishing to be medical students and recording it all with charts to show. If you wish to watch them, look for them on the web. I lost the link to them but might be able to find it again if you wish. Just let me know by writing to me from my column Dragonflymagic and I will do my best to find it for you.

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There is a cute guy from my school that I have been texting a lot recently. He asked me if we could go out sometime and catch a movie. The only problem is, I’m not sure if my mom would let me. Me and my mom have never talked about if I am allowed to date or not, so I am scared to ask. What is a good way to figure out what she thinks about it without scaring her into saying no? And even though I don’t know him that well, if all else works out, should I go out with him?

I am about to turn fifteen and I’m in freshman year of high school. I am a girl.

It is hight time then that both you and your Mom sit and talk about this.
I am a Mom of girls. They are adults now but when in HS, I had frank talks with them and told them what I was comfortable with. I asked them to let me know of any updates or changes along the way, not to go behind my back but come to me with any new information.
Your mom may not have thought about this at all until the moment you ask what her ideas for you going out on a date are. Most parents are very protective of their girls, not as much because we don't trust our daughters, but having been teens before ourselves, we don't necessarily trust some unknownk guys because we all know what young males are like. There are exceptions to the rule and some young guys may be mature and well behaved.

If Mom says you can't date until some other age later, or that she has to talk to Dad first if you have a Dad present, or whatever excuse that essentially means you can't go out sometime, then I suggest the following step, if you are willing to settle for it:

I told my daughters that I had no problem with them having male friends in HS and wanting to spend time with a guy hanging out, and him wanting the same. However, I wished it to start at the friendship stage before moving on with our blessing. The way I determined this should happen, is that the boy in question be welcomed to come to our house, same as any girlfriend of hers. Only this could only happen if we were home to chaperone. I had a chance to hear from a teen girl whose parents had done the same thing. The boy came over often, was polite and willing to chat with her parents and they got to know him really well, his character and personality. And when they were comfortable with him, they allowed the daughter to go out on dates with him, knowing she'd be in safe hands, and be treated well. Physical abuse of teen girls by their boyfriends is a really high statistic, and then there is always a date who pressures the girl for sex, when she is not prepared or ready and he doesn;t care because he is not the one risking a chance of getting pregnant. I knew all this so I added that when a guy did come over, they could hang out in her bedroom but the door must remain open. I have no problem with occasional kisses and hand holding. Believe it or not, my girls thought it fair and I really hoped male friends would not feel intimidated and actually come over. But even though they invited and gave the guys my ground rules, not a single one was willing. Either they were intimidated which already meant, I did not think too high of them, they were wimpy males.... or the guys may have pretended to be interested in my daughter when all they wanted was sex and with my rules, it wasn't going to happen. In the story of the teen girl I told you whose parents were okay with the guy comeing over, they liked and trusted him so much that while she was still in HS, they gave their blessing for the two to become sexually active.

My spin on this was telling my girls I wished that they might wait until they graduated before actually dating and sex. YOu don't have to share all these details with MOm, but I felt the entire background story might help you. I asked them to watch the girls in school who were popular and in and out of relationships often and how the breakups and excitement of each new relationship, caused their grades to suffer as they couldn''t concentrate. My girls all reportsd seeing grades fail with these girls and ddecided for themselves to wait until they graduated for dating. Each one got into a relationship with sex at around age 18, 19 when they were a bit more mature. I did say this was my ultimate hope but if they were friends with a guy who came to our place and they found it hard to resist becoming sexual, that they were to come to me and I would get them on the pill so they couldn't become pregnant in case a condom failed. Condoms had to be used in case of STDS. They understood this, but it never happened. We would openly talk of such things so it never felt awkward. I wish you the best in talking to Mom.

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My mom has been trying to help me get a volunteer position at her health job but I have been waiting for almost a month for them to communicate with me. Today they finally did only to tell me that they lost my immunization form. I just thought that was so unprofessional and it puts me at an inconvenience because I would have to pay my doctor to fill out another one for me. Why should I have to pay when it is not my fault? I told my mom I don't want to volunteer anymore and I feel bad for putting her in this position but this just shows me what kind of people they are if they can easily lose important documents and have me waiting almost a month with no updates if I got accepted or not.

Wow, and this is for a volunteer position? NOt even a permanent job position? Either it is the incompetence of one individual or it is a reflection of the whole department or whole company. You have a right to come away from this not trusting them now. I am grandma age and of jobs I have held recently, I have seem plenty of incompetence and terrible work ethics, unfairness, and total bumbling idiots being in charge or positions of power. It sickens me. SO I can understand how you feel. I don't know if your Mom would feel badly if you pull out of this. But she needs to realize that this is about your working experience and your future job, not hers. If the company would retaliate against your Mom for you pulling out, then she is working for really terrible people and should look for something better elsewhere. However, she is an adult and can make her own decisions. YOU are an adult as well and should make the best decisions you can too. This does not reflect on your Mom. She isn't even part of the equation other than perhaps asking if they do take volunteers for them to gain experience and then mentioning you might be interested. I understand getting experience somewhere will help in the future with gaining a job. But if this company is to be a referral for your future employer to call, you don't want the employer being told, Julie who? We don't have a file on that person, or yes she worked here but we can't find her file. I know that if I heard something like that, I would wonder about their competency in having trained you for the volunteer position and fear you may not have learned anything helpful from a 'fly by the seat of their pants' company.

You can choose to not respond and say anything at all to them, although that would be the less than perfect way to handle it as an adult. The harder would be to thank them for getting back to you but ask why it took so long to get back to you, so long that they lost your immunization form. Let them say whatever they can and then decide based on their explanation if it was something like only the fault of one person, and knowing you need voluneer work experience, choose to give them a chance. If you decide to give them a chance, bring up them paying your Dr. for a new form as it was their fault for losing it. Next time, take a copy of and hold on to the original and give them the copy. YOu let them have the name of your doctor, and warn the Dr office that they may be calling to pay for the form since they lost the first one. They can give a credit card, or money order or check and deal with your Dr. IF you choose to not give them a chance based on the excuse soundling too flimsy to you, simply tell them you have decided to not do any volunteer work with them. End of story. NO explaining why to get the last word. Hoeever if they ask you why you have changed your mind, only then you can tell them, "I have lost confidence in your company due to your misplacing or losing my immunization card. I wish to work, even though volunteer work, for a really credible company, and right now I have doubts about that. Sorry."

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