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I have an intense attraction to a guy 20yrs older than me and i'm 17, help?
okay, before i start i want to ask everyone reading to take me seriously because this is something that actually drives me to the brink of madness every single ******* day. it might sound weird but rather than judging me, just give me your best advice because lord knows i need it. i am a 17 year old girl. back in december 2018, (i was still 17) my friends and i decided to go to this small restaurant we had never been to before. he (let's call him john) works there as a manager. that's when i first saw him, and right away we striked up conversation. he asked me for my name and i told him, and he has remembered it every time since. i immediately was attracted to him when i first saw him, but after that night i really wanted to see him again. i started going to that restaurant a lot with my friends, and they all knew it was because i wanted to see him and they teased me for it and joked around about me being into older guys. i found out he is 38, and it didn't even bother me because i actually assumed he was older. now it is june 2019 and i don't know what to do because im super into him and i know it would never work. im not gonna lie, when i go into the restaurant i try to make sure i look good because i know his schedule and when he's gonna be there (he told me this i didn't even ask). i can't tell if he finds me attractive but he always uses my name when he talks to me and every time i come in we talk and have conversations and i just seriously really love being around him. if i'm being honest, i definitely flirt with him when i go to the restaurant and i think i've made it obvious that i like him. i KNOW he's 38 but idk i can't help what i feel it's strange but i even ******* dream about him and i feel like it's consuming my life. i really wish he was younger or i was older so i could have a higher chance of getting to know him and everything. i turn 18 in three months so obviously i would not do anything before then. but when i do turn 18, a huge part of me really wants to pursue this and at least maybe hook up with him. i am not sure if he would want to but i wanna try, should i not??? i don't see the harm in that anyway. i know he is single bc i stalked his facebook (lol i know im insane) and he has no kids and has never been married. he's really independent and that's what i'm attracted to. i'm just so into him help it's bad and please don't tell me im going to get him sent to prison bc im not planning on doing anything until its legal
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Normally I would say age doesn't matter. You know its a year until you are legally an adult so any guy who knows your age and is willing to even just date you could have some oddball accuse him of having sex with you which a guy can go to jail for.
Even if you were 17, I rememver that age myself and though I was very mature, as I am sure you are, I really had no life experience yet to make any real sound decisions on. At a month before I turned 20, I married and that guy was a big mistake, fooled my entire family. He ended up being verbally abusive. I am not saying you could end up in that situation, but anything in between is still not good. If you were 25 or older, I'd say go for it, no matter how much older the guy is. I have a reason for choosing age 25. The pre-frontal cortex of the brain is still not mature yet and won't be until about age 25. This means the part of the brain responsible for good decision makeing is still immature, even if the person is mature in all other ways. That was my situation and I ended up not making a good decision. Looking back, the warning signs were there, stuff my family wouldn't know but I had absolutely no idea, no real life experience to compare it to.
I think it would be best for you to wait for any serious relationship. Now, as to what you can do, that is if you are willing to do so, there is something that can be done to hopefully stop thinking so much about him.
Now I share a bit about psychology because it involved what your subconscious mind is doing. It is responsible for all your thoughts on this guy. From thoughts, come our emotions. Think of a sad movie that wasn't a true life deal, just made up but you get drawn into it. Yo hear and see things that get your mind thinking about how sad the movie situation is, as if it was real and then real tears follow. The same goes for focusing thoughts on a person. The more you think, the more the emotions follow of feeling inspired, desire, love, what ever. To understand what is happening, a bit about the subconscious: it is like another person living inside you and it wants to please you as much as it can. So whatever you focus your thoughts on a lot, the sub conscious mind will assume that thing or person makes you happy and goes into over drive on bringing up feelings, dreams, letting your imagination run wild. So if you want it to stop, every time your thoughts turn to him, you have to be willing to be looking out for that and telling your self, whether internally in your mind or out loud verbally, that he is much older and you haven't lived any of your adult life yet so you need to stop thinking about him. You will be surprised how often thoughts come up right after you told yourself 'no.' I did this when a man I was dating had an ex wife plead with him to give their marriage a 2nd try so he went back to her. I was devastated and had to stop having so many thoughts of him, just to start moving on. I used this method and it worked great. This is why I am telling you that it can be done, however in the first few days of telling yourself no every time a thought of him comes up, is tough because the thoughts can come again just minutes after you caught the first one. I rememver being shocked to have as much as around 30 times or more in one hour of thoughts of the guy. It gets slowly better the next day and the next until the occasional thought might make you smile but there is no longer that great emotional pull on you.
If you think you are doing something wrong, you aren't. Young female teens and college age females will often find themselves preoccupied by thoughts on one guy or another, even if the current time is not a right time or the situation is one where it can't happen. This is a thing where females subconsciously without realizing why they do it, pick up information on a guy, stuff they like. They immediately think its because they have feelings for a guy, married or not, no matter the age, but what really caught their attention was info to be filed away and remembered as part of the criteria of what she is looking for in a man to marry someday. There may not be any obvious thing, just picking up on chemistry. Hey, I have felt chemistry with a few people other than my husband, but I am not going to imagine or go chasing after them because of it. The info I am talking about is all sorts of stuff that a female is supposed to remember as being impressed with. That is all she needs to do for now. I wish I knew this at your age, but I didn't learn until after I divorced the ex after 30 years.
More examples of how this worked, at puberty, my friend and I would spy on my parents and their friends in the backyard because we both thought the one husband was a hot looking older man. What this may convey is that I wanted a guy I could be attracted to like this. At church, there was a deacon who was 50 or so, married but I found my thoughts drawn to him. I had to ask myself why. What I saw there was how he was a very patient and friendly with people. Always available to help anyone out. Plus he was still a Fox at his age. I realized I admired someone who was good with people, patient and helpful to others. I did not get any of that in my first husband because I did not know this, which I am sharing now with you. I did get all those things in my 2nd husband. I had a list of criteria of what I would and would not accept in a man to marry. Something that still impresses me is standing in line outside at a fish and chips bar...well, it was more of an unorganized mass of people so the salesperson yelled out, "Who is next?" as they really didn't know. The man and his wife I was standing closer to, raised his hand, got their attention and said, "I believe this young lady here is next." He wasn't pointing at me but at a very elderly women standing on the other side of him. He was charming and had just complimented and made the day of the elderly woman by calling her young. He had the right attitude. I saw something that day that I wanted for myself, a man who treated me like that first, not because he felt he had to but because that was a part of who he was, a man who treats ALL women in his life kindly, with reverence and I found that in my 2nd husband. He treats me that way first. But he will also be nice like that to other females who come across our path. Those are examples of how I picked up on things I liked about males but unfortunately had no idea I was supposed to look for such a man myself. I would hope you could look at this guy as one to gain some important info for yourself to make your list of critera of what you want when searching for Mr. Right. You can make a list of things you experience in dating relationships that you don't like, lets say such as a guy who gets so jealous of not just other guys but even girlfriends taking up your time that he forbids it. If that happened, I would hope its obvious that is a bad quality to void in the future. With each new person you choose to date, rather than wait for a guy to ask you out, you choose one who is a step better than the one before, never settling for the same or less. I hope this all inspires you.
I wouldn't read much into him calling you by name and chatting with you much. I know plenty of people in a service type job like his who remember names of customers. I go to Starbucks often and people on all shifts know me well by now and greet me by name. Of course most are now the ages of my own kids but they will hold very fun short animated conversations with me because they see i am open and friendly. Of any service oriented jobs I have done, each one trains the employees to greet customers and be helpful to them. The customer is number one. I went above what they expected of just being friendly and greeting a familiar face with a Hello. I asked many of my repeat customers for their names, cus mine was already on a name tag. I would try to learn a few things about a person, single, going to school, works doing lawn and garden maintenance, and so on. So you cant count on the fact he does this as singling you out, even if he doesn't talk to or greet your other friends that way. I only chose to ask friend who smiled and seemed to send off friendly, approachable vibes. Some people don't want to be bothered by a service person chatting with them, especially if they are not looking for a new friend or are too focused on their own agenda.
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It sounds like you have a big crush! Crushes are normal at your age. The one thing you should realize, however is that when he is at work in a restaurant, part of his profession is to get people to come back. He probably is good at remembering names and making conversation with customers. How would you feel about telling him about your crush? Would you be afraid of feeling embarrassed if it wasn't returned? You run a big risk of it not being returned considering his age.
My advice would be, don't go to the restaurant for a while. Let yourself cool off a bit. Then when you do go back, see how he acts. Does he treat you any differently?
Personally, I would advise against pursuing him, because you might end up being hurt very badly.
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