|
Husband coercing
My husband has a long history of sex addiction. Today I was checking the phone log and it said he sent a venmo payment to someone. I texted the girl and after an hour long phone call, she let me know that my nude photos/ sexual videos are all on FETLIFE, my husband has propositioned payment to over 300 women in the past couple of years to secretly hit on me in our local bar and possibly go home with us to sleep with just me. Most turn him down or tell him he is twisted. I have told him OVER and OVER, I will not have sex with a woman. I feel violated, like he was trying to have someone rape me almost. He sent this girl $50 via Venmo,an account for gas money I had no idea he had venmo, and she stood him up and kept his money because she didn't like what he was doing to me.She offered to send me a check, I said, no you keep it, he then has some friend of his message her and threaten to put a kill her. I am so sick and tired of his obsession. I also feel very scared. I was able to crack his account and see everything. I think I am supposed to get a divorce at this point. Advice appreciated.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Abusive Relationships?
For one person the work 'long' may be 6 months, 2 years, 10 years or a life time. Since this states you are female and age 29 when you started advicenators (no names shown so don't worry) I must assume he is close to the same age. Therefore, His addiction started with puberty lets say age 12 and guessing he's 30, that woudd mean a maximum of 18 years of this sort of sexual behavior. If he married you at 18, and started doing this then, that would be 12 years or so. Both are long time ways of acting like this.
I know there are adult social networks that involve sex in some way. On line definition of FetLife is:
FetLife is a social networking website that serves
people interested in BDSM, fetishism, and kink.
There are sites to meet others interested in sexual encounters and even to find parnters for swinging. I did that with my ex for a while. Long story but I asked given a choice, I was asked and I was open minded to want to at least try. I learned alot I did not know about myself but in the end, left that because I realized I could not focus when there was more than just me and my partner. Didn't hate it, just couldn't focus and so no reward. I met people interested in the kind of stuff Fetlife is about and that is not my thing either.
I can't say it is a sexual addiction but certainly something isn't right. Here's a link to the symptoms of sexual addcition from Psych Central:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
If he were alone doing this, that is one thing. However he had gone ahead with the planning of this, putting your photos on line, pretending you and he were on the same page with this practice and that you were all for it. What he is doing is as bad as lying to you, withholding information of something he is doing involving your name and image. That is wrong!!! If there are two incomes and you both set up the household budget together, then he is spending money doing this that is not in the budget, takes away from ability to pay for the really needed things. If when finding out you spoke to one gal and he found out and threatened to have her killed, well, that now sounds like something more complicated than just a sexual addiction. You can't force him to go for therapy and I am pretty sure he is not going to be willing. There was nothing of him being remorseful, crying and telling you he loves you but just can't seem to stop and wished he could. If that were the case, I would say he would be willing to go for treatment. There are Psychologists who work in this area, sexual addiction and also support groups for them much like AA meetings, to help you keep straight. So if he shows no emotional issues of wishing he could stop, my guess is that he is not going to want to get better and stop doing this. I am thinking that divorce is probably the best thing for you. I would recommend trying a marriage counselor for both of you and sex therapy for him as well IF you still love him and would prefer to work things out.If however, you are not getting anything out of marriage to him, then its time to leave. There is a chance you married but it was like this from the moment the honeymoon was over. My ex had mental issues but hid them well, It caused him to be verbally abusive which only showed up after the honeymoon, well, about a month into marriage. The mental health issue wasn't discovered until about 12 years ago. But he at one point early on refused to go to therapy. A friend of ours talked him into seeing a mental health person but after a few visits where I learned from the Dr. that it was indeed hubby with issues that would take time to work on. When he refused to go, I decided I couldn't live like this anymore and I left him.
By left, I don't mean a divorce as he wasn't willing and I wasn't going to force him with a court order. After a little over 6 years of my being gone and living with a wonderful man who is now my new husband, the ex agreed to a divorce.
During the years with him, I found it to be very stressful. Stress has to go somewhere so depending on the person, it affects one mentally and another physically. It affected me physically with stress related conditions ranging from daily headaches, a handful of migraines a year, all over body itchy stress rashes, stomach ulcers and other stuff. Stess can be a contributer to cancer or hearth disease so when In Prayer I heard I could stay but would die in four years or I could leave and live much longer, I chose to leave. I had 30 years of my stress. You haven't had that long but the way he is treating you is not love, not respectful, not trustworthy to name a few. Those already are enough to cause you stress. If you believe me how this will affect you long term if you stayed, then I think you will agree with me, that this is no decision at a moments notice but one carefully thought out based on your particular situation. If you are scared of him, that is no way to live. Obviously there is no love there, if there ever really was, and if there was, it may not have been much on his side. Maybe he loved you enough to work for him but if it never was enough for you from the start, I can tell you that you are with the wrong person. If there are children, don't worry about taking them. YOU are young and will remarry and your kids will see how a healthy normal marriage should be and are more likely to have healthy marriages of their own. My kids all witnessed Dad verbally abusing me. He didn't really do it to them but yelled at them on occasion. It was the disrepect for me that caused all three to have issues, one married to a sociopath, one choosing to never marry or have kids and one marrying a guy who does nothing much, not even doing everything expected to run a household and take care of a child. My daughter is the one who works because he chooses not to, not working because she wants to. I feel so bad I stayed with their Dad until they were out of the house. I now know kids are resiliant and do better seeing a normal healthy marriage with a step parent or a single parent than seeing a bad marriage. If you do not have any kids yet. Don't have any with him and get out asap.
]
More Questions: |