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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
Well, today I asked my bf if he'd told everyone about us (we've been together 6 months today) and he said he had except one girl. When I further probed him about why, I found out she was a girl he had asked out (but she refused) before we got together. Well, he won't tell her because her parents seem to think he's a suitable candidate for her to marry and he thinks they would be hurt if they found out he was in love with someone else. I feel really hurt by this, because even though I know he meant well not to hurt them, I feel this shows he has feelings for her still, or at least is trying to save has as "Backup" in case things don't work out.
Am I justified in feeling this way ? Or could he have genuinely wanted to spare their feelings? Or does this mean there are some genuine problems in our relationship?
I will rate. And thank you.
The Answer
I imagine your boyfriend has convinced himself he is doing this to spare these parent's feelings, but there is certainly no reason for this young lady, who has already turned him down for whatever reason, to have this information deliberately withheld from her. It seems to me it should be up to her whether or not she tells her parents. As she had already chosen not to date him, it is up to her to explain the situation to her parents, not him.
However, this "sparing their feelings" idea is nonsense. Quite honestly, it is crueler of him to mislead them, in order to avoid their disappointment, then it is for him to be honest with them.
Although I wouldn't want to say he is using this young lady as a 'back-up' is seems to me far more likely that he trying to avoid his own embarrassment and awkwardness dealing with her parents. Rather then actually caring how they feel, he is concerned about how he appears in their eyes.
Your feelings are certainly justified, but there is no reason to make this a real problem, just explain your fears to you boyfriend and the fact that he is not doing the honorable thing by withholding this information. All parties involved deserve honesty, and his approach to this could cause problems in both his relationship with you, and with this other family if he isn't forthcoming.
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The Question
Lately, I cant get my husband in the mood… and I was wondering if there is anyway I can get my husband to get in the mood. What can I do?? What can I say where can I touch.. Its really bothering me.. I'm good-looking but lately he’s just tired and I don’t know how to get him “in the mood”
The Answer
Okay, I'm a little surprised people dove into seduction techniques and almost totally ignored the most obvious course of action: Asking him.
You are married adults. You're both old enough to know you aren't mind readers, you should be able to talk about this. Simple non-judgmental questions like "Hun I've noticed you aren't as interested in sex lately. Is there something different you want to do?" Might open up a whole new chapter in your sex life.
Sometimes things just click sexually. Sometimes two people click in a certain way sexually and stick to that because it is safe, although it's not the most satisfying. Some days try as hard as you may you just can't get into it.
If the lingerie or treats or old hangouts appeal to you then by all means girl go for it! But before you try and treat him, ask him what a good treat would be. If you are feeling a little out of touch with him sexually, talking to him is the place to start.
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The Question
i have a girlfriend and we have done smooches and physical contacts. but she isnt ready to do sex. tell me what shud i do to make her do so with me??????
The Answer
Dump her and find someone with a weaker will.
Your girlfriend isn't ready for sex. That means No Sex For You.
Deal with it or dump her.
If you pressure her into sex just because you are a horny little turd I hope her 200 pound daddy hunts you down and pounds you into the ground. Even if he doesn't, your relationship will never last after you make her go agianst what it is she wants.
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The Question
i have heard from my friends that due to masturbation the sex power decreases. so tell me about this? do i need to stop this.
The Answer
Masturbation doesn't increase or decrease your sex drive or your prowess.
The only problem that can arise is if you only ever reach an orgasm in one way it (say through masturbation while sitting on the couch watching porn) it can become difficult to orgasm in any other situation (like with your partner.)
Like anything else in life, just don't over-indulge and you'll be fine.
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The Question
Hi!
I don't know what to do anymore! I know my friend is lying. I have proof against it! I have confronted him and still he denys it all! We just had a big fight today over it.
I'm just worried because he is loosing friends because of the lies. He has already lost me. I don't trust him anymore. Nobody trusts him!
What should I do??
The Answer
Truly compulsive liars do not do it because it fun. They do it because it is a compulsion. Sure there are people out there who do it for fun, but most just do it because it is a reflex and they haven't learned to stop it.
What's worse is, like many mental illnesses, they have a very difficult time admitting to themselves that they have problem. Getting alienated from friends is a good way to make him wake up to the facts. Be clear to him and encourage your friends to be clear too, he lied and you all know it, so you don't trust him and aren't interested in being his friend anymore. That is the issue, don't let him turn it into something else.
But if he doesn't want help there is nothing you can do but to move on in your life.
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The Question
I am part psychic sometimes I kno what is going to happen but it is usualy only about little things not like huge world wide things.
first off I would like to kno how I can strangthen my skills.
2nd off. Sometimes when I am going to bed I have hundreds of thoughts going threw my mind. It is like different people are talking all at once. The thoughts arent things I would kno of or have ever thought about. Do you think that I am having thoughts from other people or spirits? I doubt it but im not sure.
The Answer
I often have thoughts rush through my head before bed. It sounds like dozens of people talking or chatting or yelling at me. It used to keep me up at night.
I however, have a rather sever anxiety disorder and my perceptions of reality are not always sound. I don't consider the voices I hear to be signs of communication from others but recognize them as creations of my mind.
Sighs I can feel the rating of 1 just creeping up on me, however, that's my two cents. Good luck.
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The Question
I have OCD and anxiety. I have thoughts racing through my mind concstintly (sp) And sense I have OCD i obsess about thoughts in my mind. what are some ways (without) medicing (because im already on some medicine and working with a doctor) that I can slow down these thoughts.
The Answer
Congratulations! Really and seriously, congratulations on starting to get help. The beginning is by far the hardest, from here is can only get easier.
For obsessive thought patterns, if you can I would certainly suggest getting some behavioural therapy. Nothing was working for me until I tried it, and my therapist taught to most of what I will mention now.
The first great technique is thought stopping. You can read about it here http://www.coping.org/selfesteem/lifestyle/stop.htm (I don't really agree with anything else on this site, but it's a good description of thought stopping) Purple is my favorite colour, it is also my stop thought. Whenever I have a thought I want to get rid of, I think or mutter "Purple" or visualize something purple instead. It makes me happy, and it stops the thought. This technique takes a lot of patience and dedication, but I adore it! Basically, you're reprogramming yourself.
The other one is to make a list of the things that you respond to with an obsessive thought or the things that you avoid because of obsessive thoughts. Go through that list and rate how anxious you think you would be if you tried to resist the compulsion. Rating them 0 to 10 would be good.
Then choose one thing on the list you think you could resist with only a little angst and focus on not giving into that thought when it comes up, replace it, ignore it, do something else, but do not give in to it. With practice it will get easier and easier to resist because your anxiety is fading. Once you are comfortable with one thing on your list, pick a different one.
Remember that when you have OCD the doubts gets stronger the more you give in to them, and weaker the more you resist them.
It will still be hard work, but with dedication and support you can kick those bad thought habits you have. Good luck!
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The Question
hi i am rohit. i have been doing masturbation since 4 years. tell me what are the ill effects of doing this? should i stop doing this? what are the advantages of this too?
The Answer
There are no ill effects, no problem whatsoever unless you feel pain.
Just make sure it does not interfere with your life and you'll be just fine.
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The Question
My husband and I have known each other for 6 years. We've been married for 3. Great life, lots of laughs, travel. I asked him not to ask me to watch dirty movies, as I do not think they're necessary for a marriage (plus I think it's not right to watch them AND they gross me out). BUt still, he subscribes to the channels. He doesn't make me watch them, but I know he does on his own (as I understand by our cable bill, once or twice a month). How can I make him understand how much this hurts me? That I don't feel like he values me enough as a woman because he still watches that filth? I've let him know time and time again, but he just calls me prude and frigid. Every fight we have can be somehow related to this issue. I feel like he's pulling away. Help!
The Answer
I'm sorry this has upset you so much - and it upsets a lot of women - but I cannot stress enough just how much guys are able to compartmentalize porn and how it really doesn't mean a damn thing in respect of their partners, or their love for them.
It is fantasy, similar to any romance novel or movie you watch. In sexual fantasies your husband likely looks for physical fulfillment, you are more likely looking for emotional fulfillment through fantasy. But should your husband feel insecure about fulfilling you romantically and emotionally because of Harlequin novels or because of Casablanca? Would he be logical to demand that you stop reading these books or watching those chick flicks, or at least skip the sections where there's a tender sex scene or heart-wrenching romantic gesture? A soap opera is out the question and don't even think about reading Pride and Prejudice again!
No. Of course that would be illogical. So what is it about sexual fantasies in the form of pornography that you are so apposed to? Fantasy is healthy and it is part of a healthy sex life. You otherwise have a wonderful marriage yes? So clearly your husband is capable of differentiating the fantasy of porn from the reality of his wonderful and adored wife.
I'm not saying he shouldn't stop. I'm not saying your feelings wrong. What I am trying to get at is the fact that you are the one who is making this into a gigantic problem in her own mind, and by extension, in her married life.
Speak to him about this, again. This time, reserve your judgment and ask and listen to why porn appeals to him. Put your feelings aside for just a few minutes so that you are able to truly appreciate what he is trying to tell you. Gice him time to form an honest response and let him know you'll accept anything he says without making him feel guilty. Demanding he understand how much this hurts you without understanding why he enjoys it is very unfair to him.
Tossing out an ultimatum (in this case, "No Porn") and expecting someone to comply is the kiss of death for any relationship, be with a child, a friend or a partner. Yes, these are your feelings and views and yes, he should respect them. Respecting them does not mean he must agree with you, or do what you would like.
Recognize although you might perceive his actions as wrong, he disagrees, and as you have not mentioned a lack of interest in you, or disrespect towards you or other women, or an overpowering sexual addiction, the problem actually resides in your response to his actions. Which is great! 'Cause your response is the one thing you have complete control over.
If you are capable of having an actual discussion with him, one where you both listen and respond to one another, without shame or blame assigned, you might be able to work out a compromise or mutual understanding. If you can show that you can respect his views and feelings, he'd probably be more willing to change his behavior to comfort and assure you.
However, if you can't discuss this, and can only both go on and on about your disagreement, you will continue fighting. He might try and hide the porn from you, or look for other outlets to get it from. That is the secrecy, distrust and poor communication that will rip him away from you, not the porn.
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The Question
when you said, "Do you want to go to a movie this Friday?" as an idea to ask someone out, where i live, thats just taken as goin to the mivies as friends...and ive done that plenty of times. to get a girl to be your girlfriend, you have to ask her out. i know, its stupid, and i agree. but its the only thing that works...ive asked 2 people out this year, but liked a few more. my hormones are really wacked up..at one point i liked this one beautiful girl, but shes a sophmore, and im only a freshman, so i kinda forced myself to stop dreaming...however, shes only a month older than me, so now im back into it again..and theres like 2 other beautiful people in my life, and i dont kno which way to go..i know i should just lay off, but my body and mind wont accept that. my one of them is argententian, so shes just beautiful to begin with...i love to listen to her laugh, to see her smile, and i marvel at how she thinks. shes like the one, but shes moving back to argentina, to my dismay..so i try and just be friends with her. the second person, shes just as wonderful. her eyes are just gorgeous, and the way she looks at you; i have to try to stay concious...shes ALWAYS kind to me, but i dont think she likes me like that...option number three plays harp, and is in my orchestra class. shes the one whos only a month older than me. shes pretty. she doesnt have that "hott" face, but she makes me laugh, and shes just really pretty and well rounded. im stuck with no where to go, and i see these three people every day. i need advice, please!
The Answer
Look, if you want to allow high school social conventions about whether or the not the movies is a 'date' determine your interactions with the opposite sex, so be it. I also suggested a picnic on Sunday, but really, those where just ideas I was throwing out there, examples on the best way to ask a girl out, not to be taken literally. Go ahead, you have my permission to think outside the box, get creative and come up with your own ideas for a date.
I really can't advise you on which of your three girls to pursue.
I don't know you.
I don't know them.
I can't determine from your description which one is your dream girl. What I can tell you is that despite your raging hormones you are actually in control of this situation. The only single thing that is not in your control is whether or not they like you. Listen to all the advice you want, but in the end, you'll have to make the decision. If you stall and are only full of self-doubt, then time will make the decision for you, as it steals each of these beautiful people from your life.
So forget your hormones for a little while and think about who the girls you are interested in are as people, not just beauty queens. Who can you talk to with the most ease? Who makes you feel like the best person you can be? Who might be interested in you as well? Pursuing one girl with seriousness is sure to get you farther towards a relationship then acting trapped between a whole bunch of ladies.
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The Question
My boyfriend doesn't seem to like sex. He goes limp when trying to have sex. He loves receiving oral sex, and does great during this. Please help me to try and figure out what could be wrong. I'm really concerned for him, and myself, as I need attention the same as he does from time to time.
Thank You in advance!
The Answer
Frankly, your boyfriend should be just as concerned about this as you are, if not more, and should seek medical help. Although this probably isn't a sign of something terribly wrong with him, a doctor will be able to help him fix it.
It could be so simple as stress, or anxiety or performance fear, or your boyfriend might have an actual medical issue that can be addressed.
Either way, he's got to see a doctor.
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The Question
ok - ive been told a lot that at 15, you dont need a girl friend...but i feel that it will make things soo much more easier! ive asked numerous girls, ive even written poems, but they just dont seem so like me in that way...ive been told just as numerous times that im actually pretty good looking, but that doesnt help when it comes to asking someone out...could you give me advice on how to ask a girl out? im not too nervous about it, i just seem to be attracted to the girls that dont like me! what difference can i make in their lives that will get them to like me in that way, therefore allowing me to get them to approve when i ask them out?
thanks
The Answer
Being in a relationship has never in my life made a single damn thing easier. I'm not saying it's not worth it, it is, but relationships, especially teenage relationships are the furthest thing from easy.
First off, stop thinking that asking a girl out once makes her your girlfriend. Often people go out once or twice and decide to stop, because they aren't relationship material. That isn't failing, that's being smart.
Secondly, asking out a ton of girls is a turn off. If you come off as simply wanting a girlfriend, an intelligent girl will think you aren't really interested in her specifically.
To ask out a girl you really like is rather simple once you screw up the courage to do it. Make sure to ask them in a relatively private place, keep it short and too the point and ALWAYS have a plan. Never just say "Hey wanna go out sometime." have a date and activity in mind "Do you want to have a picnic next Saturday?" or "Do you want to go to a movie this Friday?"
If you want to increase your chances of getting the date give it some time. You can't make a huge impact on a girl right away, just be honest and attentive and fun to be around. Let the friendship grow a bit before asking a girl out and she'll be more likely to say yes.
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The Question
hello i am new to this system so help me i am having problems with my girlfriend we have been together for 2years and 1month and im her first b.f, it all started when her best friend manipulated me into having sex with her after i cheated on my gf i swore and made a promise saying nothing will ever happen like that again, and its been the truth now all she wants is to argue she bafrely talks to me right now she asked for a break for no reason and she likes to hang out with her friends more even though she has been the best thing in my life and still is i want anyones opinion i really need help to figure her out!!!
The Answer
She might be the best thing in your life but at the moment you clearly aren't the best thing in hers.
Asking for a break sounds to me like she wants out of this relationship and if that's the case you should sit down with her and ask her why. If you are paying attention then this shouldn't come out of the blue for you.
Ask her what the problems are and if there is anything the two of you can do to solve them, but she might simply want out, there isn't much you can do about that.
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The Question
15/female
A couple months ago my doctor diagnosed me with depression and I started to see a councelor. I quit going after a couple times because she made me feel worse and I had a breakdown 2 times in one week because of her. I was fine for awhile, but now I'm feeling horrible again. I don't know why I'm feeling depressed and everynight I want to kill myself.
I can't take anti-depressants because they'll react with my medicine that I'm taking right now. Anyone know of ideas to get my mind out of this fix that it gets into?
The Answer
Depression is an illness and like any illness, like the flu or cancer, you can't over come it by sheer force of will. You are sick. You can't just magically cure yourself by tying hard enough.
Starting to see a counselor in a soul ripping experience, I remember it very well. I wasn't comfortable talking to my first counselor so I switched but still my first four or five appointments left me exhausted and in tears but then after that I slowly started to feel better.
Going to two appointments is not giving counseling the chance it deserves. This is quite literally a case of no pain, no gain. If you feel it's a personality clash, try to find another counselor; your current counselor might even be able to help you. I'd recommend a Behavioral Physiatrist, they are the ones that helped me break the through the terrible thought patterns without trying to shove medication down my throat.
Just remember that you need and deserve help even if accepting that help is hard. People do not overcome depression by themselves, the feel that you should be able to fix yourself all alone is part of the illness, an idea that will keep you trapped in the cycle.
Good Luck
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The Question
alright kids, well my teeth are horribly yellow, like, becoming greenish on the top of them. i know this sounds totally sick but what can i do to change this. don't say go to a dentist because my parents keeps forgetting. so what are some things i can do on my own for this?
The Answer
You can go to the dentist on your own.
At this point the state of your teeth is extreme, you could have serious issues without a professional's input. A bit of yellowing could certainly be improved by the advice you are getting from others here, but green, come-on hun, that isn't okay! So stop worrying and just make it happen, beg your parents, ask another adult friend to take you, call a damn cab, but get yourself to a dentist.
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The Question
I have been with my boyfriend for bout 9 days and he already seems serious. not in a sex way like he is already talking about the future (like kids, marriage, and life altogether) thats not bad I guess if I was older but the truth is I'm only a 15 yr old freshman and he's a 17 yr old junior. so should I be glad he's planning ahead and wants to be with me or should I worry.
please help
wanna love
The Answer
Not worried necessarily, but I don't think you should put up with that sort of talk either. You know it's unrealistic, and if he doesn't realize that it's silly to be talking about kids and marriage after dating a fifteen year old for nine days, then he is out of touch with reality.
Ask him why he would say those things and ask him to stop. They are silly, and in some ways cruel to you both to build up such far-reaching dreams so early on in a relationship.
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The Question
My boyfriend is older then me Im 15 he's 17. he tells me he loves me and I believe him. We've been together for 9 days. Im not a virgin and neither is he. I've decided to give up on having sex and so he says he'll never pressure me into doing it. But when were on the phone together he makes certain sexual comments to me about things he wants to do to me or how his penis miss's me. Is he just messin around and bein flirty or is this his way of pressure into sex?
The Answer
Are you feeling pressured?
If you are feeling pressured, it doesn't so much matter his intentions as the fact that you are uncomfortable. If you are uncomfortable, tell him so and ask him too stop.
On the other hand, if you just enjoy what he is saying as playful and don't feel like he is trying to pressure you or bully you into anything sexual, then you are fine, stop worrying about it.
I'll admit, if I choose not to have sex and my boyfriend made comments about his genital I'd be annoyed. Actually, if any male I had known for only 9 days made comments about his genital I'd be annoyed. I don't find that to be respectful or an appropriate subject for someone I am not in a sexual relationship with to be making. But like I said, it's all about what bothers you.
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The Question
oaky well me and my bff just got into a huge fight. she asked my one friend if he was Catholic and he said *no im Christian* and she got really upset and called him an effing prejudice. i asked her why and everything escalated and now we arent talking. we got into this big fight about stereotyping and religion. i guess i blew the fight a little bit out of proportion but so did she. now i dont know what to do, i want to keep on tlaking to her but i think its gonna be awkward and we said some mean things, ahh what should i do?
im not going to apologize first bc i didnt really start it.
thanks
The Answer
Only four year olds are allowed to care who started it.
If you feel you did something wrong, treated her unfairly, or got unreasonably angry, then apologize. Admitting you were in the wrong doesn't mean she was in the right, it just means you're a big enough person to admit you didn't behave very well.
If you don't think you did anything wrong, well then fine. You're free to ignore her until she smartens up, but it sounds like you know you both were out of line. So suck it up and apologize, I bet you'll find she'll be happy to put this silly fight behind you as well.
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The Question
My boyfriend and I go to different schools. Before we started going out, we started talking about 2 months ago. Before either of us had feeling for each other, he told me he was going to prom with a girl from his school but they are 'just friends'. So last night, was his prom with that girl. I was wondering, was it wrong for him to take her when i'm his girlfriend? I know they are just friends but people have told me that he was being a jerk by taking her instead of me. So what do ya'll think?
The Answer
Not only was your boyfriend not being a jerk, he was actually being a mature and respectable person.
He had made a commitment to a friend for a very important day in their lives. He would have been an ass to cancel on her.
If I where you, I'd feel all warm and fuzzy inside knowing that if my boyfriend was loyal and kind to his friend he'd treat me the same wonderful way, if not even better.
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The Question
20/F.
So I’ve been with my boyfriend for just over a year now. We have a great relationship and we usually tell each other everything. However, two weeks ago I found out that he has been hiding something from me throughout our entire relationship (that’s not the problem though...).
I was at home when it happened. My boyfriend’s college suite mate called me and asked me to come over right away. He seemed worried, but wouldn’t tell me anything over the phone. I drove to their dorm room, and just as I was about to go up the stairs, I heard someone mumbling. I looked underneath the stairwell, and there was my boyfriend. He was sitting on the floor, with his head in his hands, crying, and freaking out.
It took me almost an hour to get him to calm down. Once he finally did, I asked him what had just happened. He told me that he suffers from mild depression and anxiety. He had been having a massive panic attack. He takes medication for both conditions, but he told me that recently his anxiety had been getting worse.
I’ve never seen him, or even anyone, have a panic attack before and I don’t know anyone else who suffers from anxiety. Nonetheless, I tried to be as supportive as I could. He told me that he had been having trouble sleeping because of the anxiety but that talking to me usually helps him calm down. I ended up spending the night in his dorm, and I haven’t left here since.
He’s been to the doctor, and all they’ve done for him is increase his medication.
He has told many times over the past two weeks that my staying with him, in his dorm, makes him feel more at ease. That when we’re together, he’s able to function like a normal person. However, he still has anxiety when he’s about to go to bed, and sometimes we stay up and talk for hours before he’ll finally fall asleep.
I feel immensely guilty for saying this, but I’ve never been so exhausted, emotionally and physically, in my life. I work full time as well as go to school and this whole situation has really taken it’s toll on me. All of my attention has been focussed on him and I’m constantly worrying about him when we’re apart, but five hours of sleep a night (sometimes less) cannot be healthy.
I’ve tried to tell him that eventually I’ll have to go home, but then he starts to get anxious about the thought of me leaving him alone.
I love my boyfriend and I want to be there for him when he needs me, but I would like to have somewhat of a life of my own. Ugh. I feel selfish saying that...
=\
Any input would greatly appreciated.
The Answer
You don’t need to feel guilty. You are his girlfriend, not his therapist or his security blanket. What you are doing is wonderful, but it’s isn’t in your job description.
I have an anxiety disorder. It does, at extreme times, get as bad as your boyfriend’s case. But in the end I know something he doesn’t seem to, that despite all my screwed up brain chemistry and all the medical reasons I have for my condition, in the end I am ultimately responsible for myself, no one else can save me.
Try and stop feeling guilty, a dorm room is no place for two people to live and this is a hell of a tough time of year for every student, not just those who suffer from mood disorders. Your life is not just important, it’s vital, to you and the health of relationship with your boyfriend.
There are a lot of options out there for your boyfriend. He is actually quite fortunate to live in a dorm. This is what Dons and other dorm workers are there for: to assist him and connect him with the support he needs. Universities have councilors, people who will mediate between professors and students who are having difficulties and support groups. Your boyfriend needs to reach out to the people who can actually HELP him, and stop relying on you to simply PACIFY him.
Explain this to him, even offer him the names and numbers of the support that his school has for him, offer to go with him even, and then move out. Don't drag out your leaving, that will only inhance the anxienty.
This isn’t just what is best for you, this is best for him. He is an adult now; he needs to take responsibility for his health and situation. He can’t do that as long as you are there.
Keep up the way you are and your relationship can’t last. He won’t be enough of an individual to be in a relationship and you will be miserable and resentful.
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