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Boyfriend suffers from anxiety and depression.
20/F.
So I’ve been with my boyfriend for just over a year now. We have a great relationship and we usually tell each other everything. However, two weeks ago I found out that he has been hiding something from me throughout our entire relationship (that’s not the problem though...).
I was at home when it happened. My boyfriend’s college suite mate called me and asked me to come over right away. He seemed worried, but wouldn’t tell me anything over the phone. I drove to their dorm room, and just as I was about to go up the stairs, I heard someone mumbling. I looked underneath the stairwell, and there was my boyfriend. He was sitting on the floor, with his head in his hands, crying, and freaking out.
It took me almost an hour to get him to calm down. Once he finally did, I asked him what had just happened. He told me that he suffers from mild depression and anxiety. He had been having a massive panic attack. He takes medication for both conditions, but he told me that recently his anxiety had been getting worse.
I’ve never seen him, or even anyone, have a panic attack before and I don’t know anyone else who suffers from anxiety. Nonetheless, I tried to be as supportive as I could. He told me that he had been having trouble sleeping because of the anxiety but that talking to me usually helps him calm down. I ended up spending the night in his dorm, and I haven’t left here since.
He’s been to the doctor, and all they’ve done for him is increase his medication.
He has told many times over the past two weeks that my staying with him, in his dorm, makes him feel more at ease. That when we’re together, he’s able to function like a normal person. However, he still has anxiety when he’s about to go to bed, and sometimes we stay up and talk for hours before he’ll finally fall asleep.
I feel immensely guilty for saying this, but I’ve never been so exhausted, emotionally and physically, in my life. I work full time as well as go to school and this whole situation has really taken it’s toll on me. All of my attention has been focussed on him and I’m constantly worrying about him when we’re apart, but five hours of sleep a night (sometimes less) cannot be healthy.
I’ve tried to tell him that eventually I’ll have to go home, but then he starts to get anxious about the thought of me leaving him alone.
I love my boyfriend and I want to be there for him when he needs me, but I would like to have somewhat of a life of my own. Ugh. I feel selfish saying that...
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Any input would greatly appreciated.
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I see a possibly good solution for this, try to work with him on the idea that you two find an apartment nearby the college for you both to share. Perhaps if you have something of your own where he's safe, he'll be a bit more at ease and then you don't have to be exhausted to be together.
..ashleigh
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Okay, so I know what your boyfriend is going through because I am on meds for the same thing. See I use to not be able to sleep and would cry a lot or just get pissed off at the world for no reason. My fiance has been there a lot for me and I appreciate him a lot for that. See, the thing is that he loves you so much and now he is getting dependant on you. That could be a bad thing because like you said you want a life of your own which is totally understandable. You are going to have to talk to him and explain how this situation is taking a toll on you. Just explain to him that regardless of where you are physically that you are always with him emotionally. Let him know that in that perspective, you are not going anywhere and that might help a little. Also, he needs to go to counseling. You might need to go with him a couple of times till he gets comfortable, but he needs outsider help and someone that won't just drug him up. Somebody that will listen that doesn't have an obligation. I hope this helps and best wishes
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I think the first thing both of you need to address is why this started and when. Clearly something has happened to him in his past that has caused him to be this way. The key to making things better, is finding out what started him off with the anxiety and depression and working on that. Perhaps a psychologist might be able to help. But maybe he will open up to you. You need to ask him when this first started and establish what was going on in his life at the time. It could be anything from a divorce to abuse. But ultimately you need to find out what started this off in him. I feel that then, and only then will you and your boyfriend be able to move on from the anxiety and depression.
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I too suffer like your boyfriend with depression, anixety and panic attacks so i know how hard it is for him, but having a boyfirend myself, i also know how hard it is for you too.
It's only natural you feel exhausted and of course you will have to go home and do your own thing, this will be hard for your bofriend, but you have no reason to feel guilty.
I'm sure he wants you to have a normal life too, but he's frightend of what wil happen and frightend of panic attacks because they are a really awful experience, especially the huge ones like you saw your boyfriend having because you just feel so ill and helpless and don't know what to do.
It's going to be hard for him but you need to talk to him and prepare him for when you go home, because also with anxiety problems, you need to know everything thats going to happen, what to do if you panic. The unknown is a very scary thing for people with these problems.
I'm guessing you must have left him at some point in the day to go to school and work so that would be practice for him.
Maybe try something small to start with like you just go home for a night, then build up to 2, then 3 ect.
Make sure he knows he can text you when he wants or call you, and that he has plenty of distractions.
When you are anxious and especially panicy, you need plenty of distractions.
I have a stack of magazines and puzzle books that i can read and do as they help with the panic, i also have to watch tv or videos/dvd's.
Alot of people who have anxiety have a comfort video which is just something we like, thats easy watching, nothing intense, something calming.
It will be hard or him, but he needs to learn not to rely on you because that can tear relationships apart.
As long as he knows you are there for him and he has plenty of distractions to help him through it will get easier.
When i panic, i need to be alone so if he has his own room that he can go in o de-panic that would be great.
if you need anymore help you can always mail me as i've been this way for 5 years, i was severly agoraphobic because my panic got so bad but i'm overcoming that now and i'd be happy to help :-)
Remember, don't feel guilty or selfish, you need your own space just like everyone else and it sounds like you've been really fantastic with your boyfriend in helping him :-)
love chakra x
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You don’t need to feel guilty. You are his girlfriend, not his therapist or his security blanket. What you are doing is wonderful, but it’s isn’t in your job description.
I have an anxiety disorder. It does, at extreme times, get as bad as your boyfriend’s case. But in the end I know something he doesn’t seem to, that despite all my screwed up brain chemistry and all the medical reasons I have for my condition, in the end I am ultimately responsible for myself, no one else can save me.
Try and stop feeling guilty, a dorm room is no place for two people to live and this is a hell of a tough time of year for every student, not just those who suffer from mood disorders. Your life is not just important, it’s vital, to you and the health of relationship with your boyfriend.
There are a lot of options out there for your boyfriend. He is actually quite fortunate to live in a dorm. This is what Dons and other dorm workers are there for: to assist him and connect him with the support he needs. Universities have councilors, people who will mediate between professors and students who are having difficulties and support groups. Your boyfriend needs to reach out to the people who can actually HELP him, and stop relying on you to simply PACIFY him.
Explain this to him, even offer him the names and numbers of the support that his school has for him, offer to go with him even, and then move out. Don't drag out your leaving, that will only inhance the anxienty.
This isn’t just what is best for you, this is best for him. He is an adult now; he needs to take responsibility for his health and situation. He can’t do that as long as you are there.
Keep up the way you are and your relationship can’t last. He won’t be enough of an individual to be in a relationship and you will be miserable and resentful.
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basically just want to reiterate alisonmarie's advice because i'm guessing the more people who tell you you shouldn't feel guilty the more you'll believe it. so: You shouldn't feel guilty.
Loving your boyfriend does not make you responsible for him and besides the more used he gets to having you around the harder it'll be for him to stop relying on you and functioning normally- completely relying on someone else to be there all the time isn't fuctioning normally.
I think the counselling thing's a good idea too. Panic attacks generally arise from a certain issue or incident and he needs to get whatever it is out of his system before you can both move on.
Good luck x
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You're not selfish, you're human. While it's great that you're being so supportive, you ultimately can't be responsible for your boyfriend's emotional state.
If he feels the only thing that helps him is you, then he really needs to take some action - as that's not healthy for either of you. I understand he's already on medication, but perhaps he's not on the right dose.
And on a deeper level than that, perhaps some counselling would help. Counselling doesn't focus on the label (ie 'anxiety' or 'depression') but on the person. It might give him a chance to talk about his attachment to you, his anxiety problems - and more importantly, any underlying issues that might be contributing to his current mental/emotional state.
You can't do everything, and it's time you let your boyfriend know that despite the fact that you love and support him, you need time for YOU. Reassure him this is not a rejection of him, but more about making time for you. Share your concerns and possibly offer counselling as a helpful suggestion.
While I understand it can be hard to watch someone you love hurting, you still need to worry about yourself - your jobs, your grades, and your mental health. There is nothing wrong with making time for yourself - just as your boyfriend needs to learn he is responsible for his choices, you deserve to be responsible for yourself as well.
Best of luck.
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