about

Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

advice

Male 24, from Nigeria.... There's this girl am friends with, we are both in higher institution, both in the same class and both live in the same hostel.... She's very smart, honest, beautiful she has alot of good qualities, and I started crushing on her, on a faithful day I decided to tell her how I feel about her and I did, that day she and I had a romantic time together but the next day she started acting cold towards me, I asked her why,she said she regrets what happened between us the previous day... A few days later we had another romantic moments again kissing touch and other stuff but no sex... The following day she acts cold again,I asked her what's wrong,that's when she told me that because she's a Christian that her religion condemn such act, and non of the church members are allowed to marry or date anyone outside the church(which am obviously not a member)....we've been at it for about 2-3 months now, and I now like her so much, but the relationship is just so complicated,she always says she's not my girlfriend but whenever she doesn't see me she calls, whenever I call her she comes,whenever I touch her she doesn't stop me, at times she will be the one that will start touching me and being seductive, there was a day she tells me to get myself another girlfriend that she's trying to put an end to our relationship but she can't do it herself.... At times she makes me really happy, other times she makes me sad and depressed... Just yesterday she told again to let her go,but I don't want to let her go... The truth is that I don't want to be in a relationship That is not going anywhere.....I love her but I don't know what to do.

Its a situation where other than talking to her in depth about this (information gathering, not pleading with her) there is nothing much you can do. Because of the beliefs of her church, she may not buy it totally but will force herself to fit the mold that others have told her she must do, thus date and marry a guy who is a member of her church. SO I will explain what you are up against when it comes to the church but telling my stories will make this very long although I think its important to know many churches can really be like this.

I come from a Christian background. You only said you were not a church member but nothing of your beliefs or whetther you attend a different church. Therefore I don't know if you know the following but I will share it with you. Dating and marriage are closely controlled by some church types in the main stream beliefs. The church preaches that both the male and female must remain pure, untouched by another, before their marriage. This means no sex. However, since the biggest fear and with good reason is that dating someone who is not of your beliefs but likes you, means there is too much temptation to remain celibate until you marry. This mean a person who decides to never marry is in a bad spot. Its almost like one is being forced to marry to ever have a sexual relationship. My church when my girls were entering teen years had a program and ceremony they would hold where teens got to wear a promise ring, and no one had a dating partner, it was trying to convince teens with the dangling of a ring before them, to say the oaths of promising to remain pure and not have sex before marriage, to save themselves for their mate. The deal is not
just about the fear of sex before marriage but also about being unequally yoked. This comes from talk of a pair of oxen doing heavy work and both are needed to be of equal size and strength and some how it is turned to only have meaning about who you marry.

At this point, you can tell I am not fighting hard to side with the girl you met. I'll tell more of my story so you understand what I have learned.

I will start with the fact that I am a behliever in God and have a personal relationship with him. I have learned most of what I know now at age 61 from the last 25 yeara of God basically home schooling me as the churches where I should have been learning were too corrupt, off track, or close minded. Take something simple like being able to sit and ask God something inside your hear and have Him respond with the answer in your head. My pastor back then had a renowned womank pastor come teach an all day seminar which I attended, and it was on how to hear from God and what we were asking is a word from God for the partner we had for the part. The gal was younger, a teen, I was around 30. I watched all the people gathered and most did not know what to do, had no clue, couldnt successfully do the simple task. It takes having a brain wired to hear from God by simply talking to him often, some call it praying but when I converse with a person I am not praying, I am conversing back and forth. I have found I recieve pictures in my head easily. So when I asked for a message/word to pass on to the gal, God showed me a Red Ball of yarn. That was familiar to me, I have leftover red yarn in my craft closet. God asked me what feelings I had connected to that yarn. Well, recently, someone left the doors open, cat got in and dragged out the yarn to play with. When I got home the whole living room was covered in unraveled yarn. I was fristrated at having to ravel it up again. Then God said, she feels the same, like her life is coming unraveled. Tell her I know and I am here and it will all turn out okay in the end and her life will be intact again. So I told her and her eyes popped open wide in surprise, How did you know how I was feeling? She got nothing as many others too.
Now that you know a bit about me, when I was your age, I remember a church picnic at a lake where we were told by church officials that we had to wear tee shirts over our bathing suits if we went in the water. I refused. It was a ridiculous try at talking about modesty. They should have been born a hundred years ago. If all the women from church wore tee shirts, about all that covers in some of the skin but when wet, it clings to your body accenting the curves and everything a male likes about the female body. They believed church females shouldn't be of the people of today, trying to turn on the males with how they dress. And besides the wet tee shirts, there were many many more non church people at the same park and lake beach and those women were dressed the way the church didn't want us dressing. The men from church could not be sheltered from what they would see. Instead they should be teaching starting with older children before puberty, on how to handle those kinds of feelings. No one teaches anythin like that in class style or books that I have seen yet. So church people are on their own and they will make up their own rules, which may not make any sense at all. A guy could not whistle at a female if he liked how she looked without the girl breaking down and crying, frightened but not sure why. My oldest daughter witnessed this when she was out evangelizing on a youth based outing. A guy whistled and the girl freaked out. If she had been told to simply appreciate the fact he found her cute or sexy but she doesn't owe him anything, no smile, conversation, no stopping, etc, then I am sure she'd have simply walked on unfazed by it. I am sharing of course much of the other nonsensical stuff I've come across that theres a good chance your girls church believes also so you know what you are up against.
I attended a wedding of another young couple at church. At the point where they should kiss at the end, the gal couldnt do it. Not because she was embarrassed but because she was terrified of the unknown, for she had no idea what holding hands together, putting an arm around each other, or a kiss felt like. They had been engaged and done nothing at all, likely due to parents taking the no sex rule and twisting it to say that no one should hold hands or kiss before marriage. Many of course shrug their shoulders and pretend for the parents and have a happy life. This gall actually fainted from her terror in her own wedding and that brought it to an end. They were considered married without the kiss. Then a few months later, we heard they got the marriage annulled because they had never had sex. Oh and another thing, if one doesnt have a partner or is too youmng to have a sex partner yet, the prescription by most is to masturbate. But if you attended my church, you were told it was evil and bad, to not do it. What sexual release does a person have then? None. This is how some are guided unwittingly into looking at porn and other such stuff and many living in guilt because of something natural. A woman I knew well told me once that she feared she was a bad person, that her christian life was pretend all because the man she was married to, both had sex back in High School and College and were not married then. Her husband believed he was okay with God now after accepting Him as his Lord who died for his Sins. The husband and son alwayss looked robust, but she looked like a walking skeleton, like a caved in, deteriorating cancer patient just before death, (I know how it looks as someone in my family had cancer) She looked that way because of her anxiety and her thoughts kept eating at her and she developed diseases, not cancer though, and it didnt have to be this way.
I am all for a person recognizing there is a creator and learning to slowly get closer to Him in their own way and time. God knows the hearts of all of us. I also believe that a married couple is one unit, not two separate people and should be addressed as a couple. SO another thing that ate at me was when there was a criticism against me, church leaders did not say a word to me but in secret went to my husband and told him what I did and he should get me back in line.

Right now, it sounds like your girl isnt thinking for herself at all. She may believe or is just choosing to go through the motions of believing all she is told. This is why she is hot one day, cold the next because like my emaciated and ill female friend, she is fighting a war in her mind for what she has been told to follow and uphold compared to what she is experiencing.

I cant say that the two of you are perfect for each other because there is so much more than just the external things that draw ones interest. It takes unconditional love for ones partner. I never had that in first marriage and was verbally mistreated. I waited til my children were adults before I left and divorced. Not only was I mistreated but he confessed to a mental health Doctor that he had never been in love with me. Oh well that explained why I had a terrible sex life with him. I knew Christian woman who had husbands who didnt attend the church, any church, but some of these husbands treated their wives as wonderful as if it was God himself. They had vibrant sex lives as well with no guilt. My youngest asked me at the point I quit attending church, if it meant taking off her promise ring and aftger a discussion, she decided to do it as well. The older ones just took theirs off, but they didnt
do that to have sex either. I had changed my view of sex before marriage. And explained to them that if I have done so before my marriage, I would at least have noticed that warning sign, that the sex wasnt good, we were a mismatch. Not wanting to be a hypocrite, I told my daughters to watch how many dating girls who have new boyfriends every coouple weeks and lots of breakup and check how their grades on tests are doing. They reported those girls suffered so bad they could not concentrate on school. I told them no boyfriends for the dating deal but it was important to have male friends to learn some things about how the other sex thinks, understands and comes to conclusions, that sort of stuff. Told them a male friend is welcome to come hang out at our home when we the parents were home, its not different really than having girlfriends over. I told them to tell me at the point a male friend and them might become so attracted to each other that it was a matter of time until they had sex, and I would make sure they were put on the pill and had condoms on hand for the guy. It wasn't my ideal wish outcome but it was wise. None of them had boyfriends until they graduated, their choice.
This is very likely the type of church she attends. Even if you attend and your church isn't so stuck up, there are churches that really go off the deep end in my opinion.

So what is needed here to change her mind. Information and back bone. She has only been verbally fed what her church and her parents think. She needs more information on truth of the unequally yoked story. My church approved of my marriage because it was a church my guy attended and as far as they knew, he was a Christian. That was no guarantee my husband was a Godly man who would treat me right. I once heard a sermon just about people in church who actually did not act like Christians, werent Christians. He said,
Just because you find a mouse in a cookie jar, you wouldnt call him a cookie."

So what she truly believes, her own beliefs, not what shes been taught, may exist, it may not. She may be questioning some things the church says and she should be the one to ask and find out the Pastors have no answers to lots of what they teach. I asked questions using the same sob story, story meant to make you cry and take the action they wanted which was donating to missionary work in other lands. Their story was of a mountain village so remote no missionaries had been there yet, the mountain erupts and kills all of them. So we need to keep sending out missionaries so the un-churched can have chance to hear about God and accept his son. So I asked the pastor if he could explain what happens to the people, do they get another chance because they weren't given one with no visiting missionaries and he could not answer or would not answer. If he said, "They all go to Hell, then he paints a bad picture of God and a very disheartening picture of the church and God. If he said, they all go to heaven, then he'd be going against the churches main belief that all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God but his son died for our sins, paid the price so to speak for past and future sins but only if a person accepted the Jesus was their savior and had paid that price on the cross by his death. That only left, my idea which seems more like the God I am familiar with, He gives them another chance. He was stuck and could not answer except I dont know but whats important is missionary work. THats like a mechanic telling you he can't tell you what wrong with your car, but you need to keep putting gas in the tank. That is not an answer. So instead of going to church which is like Kindergarten for me and routines the worshippers know by heart for there is nothing new, just the same old stuff taught for the hundredth time, I volunteer at a community dinner for the low income and homeless in the area with my husband..it was originally his idea, and we have gone to clean the apartment of a lady of church recently released from hip surgery and she cant move much or be on her feet and so we do what she cant and don't ask money for it. Most the people in churches I have attended in the past never got involved in anything that looked like it was Jesus out there doing this stuff. About half the volunteers for the meal program do not even attend the church and I have no desire to because to me, its like going back to Kindergarten or worse the nursery which the following Bible verse talks about. Hebrews 5:12-14

For though by this time you ought to be teachers, you have need again for someone to teach you the elementary principles of the oracles of God, and you have come to need milk and not solid food. For everyone who partakes only of milk is not accustomed to the word of righteousness, for he is an infant. But solid food is for the mature, who because of practice have their senses trained to discern good and evil.

That I truly believe and is why I no longer attend, just to explain to you. This is helpful all I have told just now because it is more than likely happening to some extent in her church. Lots of what is written has the writers spin on it, such as Apostle Paul saying women should not adorn their hair. So clips and combs in the hair and pierced ears too are a no no but I don't see American women keeping their hair plain. This is one area where I think it was obvious for some church leaders that Paul was saying more what he believed rather than what he was supposed to write as told by God. Your girl could be blindly follow ing beliefs. If her parents are forcing this more than the church, and they say if she does not comply and marry in the church, then they would kick her out of the family, excommunicate her and whomever she decides to marry. That is a big threat held over the head of a twenty something female who loves her family and can't stand the idea of never seeing them again so you might start there and ask if that is going on. But you have to also ask what her church teaches, what the Bible teaches on her dating you. Dating is important to get to know a person well enough to know if they still seem like the right one to you or not. I have experienced that, someone seems perfect while on good behavior the first couple months and then they change and I dumped them, this after my divorce. I held out for a spiritual man. He doesn't attend a church as a member but he has the heart of Christ with all the various ways he is helping out others, not for money, and not for a chance to talk about God. I wish you the best!

[view]

Hello, I'm sixteen years old and my boyfriend just turned seventeen in January. We've been dating for about a month and a half now and I really like him! No one has treated me this well for a while. However, he's going to prison soon. He's facing up to twenty years and I don't know what to do. He's currently out on PR bond and we've discussed the aftermath.He doesn't want me to wait on him but I don't want to move on.. Any ideas on how to process this?

Hi dear. I'm sure that what you've read so far isn't what you wanted to hear. Unfortunately for your hopes, there isn't much you can do other than be a friend and visit him in jail. However as to being more than friends, you'll have to trust those who are older and whose frontal lobe of the brain is done growing and mature at mid twenties, like 24 to 26 for example. Why is this important? Humans require a fully mature front lobe to make the best decisions possible for their life and see possible consequences down the road. At 16, you're also probably tired of hearing that you're not old enough. You already know that due to puberty and the changes in your body, you feel ready for a boyfriend and choosing wisely sa to who that shall be. But a mature body doesn't mean a mature brain yet. Until that time, you will have to kind of do what you did here, try to get advice, but for every thing you decide to do that is a major change, getting pierced, tats, who you'll date, what elective courses you take and where you'll go to college are all things that are important. Any change you want to do should be bounced off an older person like a parent, aunt, even a friends Mon. Here is a link to an article that explains
this phenomenom.

https://science.howstuffworks.com/life/inside-the-mind/human-brain/teenage-brain1.htm

So I hope you see that any advice you ask of those who are past their mid twenties is not going to line up with what you want right now. What your situation is can all be understood with great clarity by you someday looking back but you don't want to look back over a road that was horrible, with hard luck, heart break, dead ends, and generally getting off track. You can make better choices if you can trust not just me or advice 4 teens whom I totally agree with. If you can at least trust that scientists are correct on this, then you know you have to do a better job of making choices that will affect your near and far future and right now, you are handicapped by a brain unable to make good decisions. You will think your choices are all great. Not a bad way to feel here and now but the future?

Who I liked as a teen does not come anywhere near what I ended up liking in a man right now. I went through the hardships, married a church goer who ended up a wolf in sheep's clothing, verbally abusive, and lots of bad traits, never helping, always blaming, no love, pitiful sex, and on and on. I went through the hard experiences, married at 20, long before My brain was mature enough to know better. I thought marrying someone who attended church would greaten my chances of him turning out to be good in the long run. I was wrong. Looking back, I now realize there were warning signs I didn't see. And that was due to not having a mature complete frontal lobe at that time. I also stayed too long with him, til the kids moved out.
His one thing he asks that you not wait for him sounds like a good decision but I know you won't s see it that way. It comes down to you taking a chance to gather input and advice from a few older people in your life before you make any decision.

[view]

First and foremost, thank you so much for reading my question. This will be long because I need to explain the backstory so that you can have all of the information. So, may those who read and answer be blessed!

I'm 29/f. I've been struggling with some of the same issues for a while and while I have been able to get out of some of the very difficult ones, I feel like I'm in a place of limbo, ever waiting to settle and never feeling grounded in where I am at the moment.

I was abandoned by my birth parents and adopted by a set of parents who both abandoned me in some way. I was like a nice shiny doll for a time, but like a kid with a new toy, they got tired, and I was discarded. My adoption was not beautiful. It was black market and I was sold to high bidders, not prepared parents. My adoptive father was the first to physically abandon us, and my mother followed by emotional abandonment. For several years, I was a parentified child, catering to her every need. Later on, things took a darker turn. Parentified child, enmeshment, and emotional incest became my norm and my reality. My mother lost her mind along the road. At the age of 17, she began practicing dark magic and took me to a warlock, where she paid a spellcaster to molest me. As I began growing into myself in my twenties, she became violent. She couldn't bear the thought of me "slipping away." It bothered me that my peers and friend's parents were helping them navigate the adult world, while my family was infantalizing me. The violence became almost fatal. I began to hope that she would kill me, just so that I could put an end to my misery. When she didn't, I began to contemplate how I would kill myself. I would dream that I had stabbed myself and lay dying in the kitchen floor, happy, because I didn't have to worry about her or the abuse any longer.

As for the rest of my family, they sided with her. They were so incredibly tired of struggling with her, that she was passed on to me to take care of. I thank God for my grandparents. Because of them, I believe that I am alive. Had I grown up alone with my adoptive mother, I believe that I would have ended up on the news, dead, not because she's a horrible person, but because she was incapable of taking care of me alone due to her mental illness. However, they sheltered here immensely and did everything possible to protect her, even when it meant sacrificing my emotional wellbeing. When she choked me, they begged me to forgive her and not call the police. When she stole my identity and ruined my credit, they told me that I couldn't hold her responsible. So, while I'm grateful that they kept me alive, I'm not going to say that anyone defended me or made sure I was okay. My job, for as long as I can remember, has been to take care of my mom and unconditionally forgive her, even when I almost died as a result of her violence, either by her physical direct abuse or by the influence of her emotional abuse. In adulthood, we shared a house together, and it was one of the worse experiences of my life. There was days where I slept in the car because I feared for my life. This was the closest I ever came to committing suicide. I had nowhere to go, I had nowhere else to turn. I figured that I would be better off dead. I never felt so hopeless in my entire life.

Last year, a miracle happened. I was able to make a significant amount of money through a real estate deal. I was finally able to rent a place of my own.

During this time, I fell into a really dangerous relationship (This was a little over a year ago). I credit this to not really having an understanding of what a healthy relationship is like. I missed some red flags, such as love bombing and lies.

During this very difficult time, I pursued therapy. I managed to learn more about trauma and how to work on it. However, my therapist prescribed me an emotional support animal to help with my anxiety, PTSD, and OCD symptoms. I already had my dog at this point, but making him an emotional support animal helped me tremendously. Being able to fly with him reduces my anxiety greatly. I use to get panic attacks in stores sometimes and his presence reduces the risk of panic attacks drastically. Making him my ESA just ensures that he has protections under the law regarding housing and flying. Generally,in public places, they are very welcoming of him with the exception of restaurants. But, a lot of restaurants, where I live, give you the option of sitting outside. I notice that this title has provided me with a lot of assistance because I genuinely do need his help. There is a lot of controversy right now surrounding ESA's and it is because people fraudulently take advantage of this. When my dog is with me, I am far less likely to have a panic attack or engage in OCD rituals. It's really fascinating to me how incredible animal therapy really is. A lot of people go through the process of making their pet an emotional support animal and do so fraudulently and it isn't fair with people who really do use their pets in a therapeutic capacity.

Throughout my life, I have just had really bad luck with money, despite the fact that I have a masters degree and I am very good with managing money. But, it seems like something always happened that caused me to lose a significant amount of money (air conditioning broke, had to go to the ER, natural disasters, etc.) Because my mom stole my identity to support her shopping habit, my credit was very low (like embarrassingly low). The only way I was able to rent an apartment was by paying the year in full. I decided on an apartment that I felt would fill my needs. But, this was during the time that I was in the abusive romantic relationship. When I ended things, he broke into my house and wouldn't leave, to the point that I needed to call the police. Eventually, I was so scared to live there, that I subleased it. So, I am getting my money back from the current renter.

Ever since, I had been living in a studio apartment close to my job. However, the issue with this is that I'm only paying for this monthly due to the sublease. Once that ends, there's no way I could pay for it because the price of rent is so high in this city and it's the city in the US with the biggest disparity between income and cost of living. It pains me that I really won't be saving money to buy, which is my current hope. Even if I save money to buy, I can't work on my credit. The only way I can do that is by living in a cheaper place. So, I've chosen to live with my boyfriend so that I can save money and pay off some debt. It isn't a lot, to be honest. I know that once I pay off a good portion of it, my credit will improve drastically.

Financially, this is the best decision. This way, I can save that money and pay myself back, rather than continuing to waste a significant amount of money on a rental. However, I can't help but feel like a failure, to the point that my self-hate has become so strong, that those suicidal feelings have resurfaced. I feel like I'm constantly in limbo. I had my own place and twice, it didn't work out for me. Our goal is obviously to build a home together. So, we both have our eyes set on buying a place, eventually.

The problem is that the current building is not pet friendly. They don't accept emotional support animals and I'm not sure how to go about this. I have a dog and a cat and they are currently at my grandparents house. Because we are in isolation given the current circumstances, my grandparents gave me a section of their house to build an office, which is very kind and generous of them. They have like an efficiency/mother in law suite, which they told me to use as an office. So, we can go there during the day. This is where my pets spend the majority of the time. So, it is helpful to be able to go there and spend time with them. I also had a camera in my place and have that in the office so I can see them through the camera.
My boyfriend is an animal lover, so of course he would love to be able to have them here. He's not opposed to it at all and even started a petition for the association to allow pets. He lives in this complex because his parents had bought this apartment and then moved into another home, allowing him to keep this one for himself. So, I completely understand. He is not bound to a mortgage or high rental price. But, he is disappointed because he loves animals and would love for my little guys to be here with us.

The thing is, that for me, it's not just a matter of missing them. Yes, this is one thing and I'm not discounting that this is difficult. Anyone missing a loved one, whether a pet or a human, is going to feel somber. But, not having them is effecting my psychological health. I find that sometimes, I am crying for no reason. I feel like I get chest pains from anxiety, and find myself performing OCD rituals. I also find that the absence of my ESA is resulting in difficulty sleeping and increased nightmares.

Right now, due to the current situation, I am able to spend more time with them. However, I'm reaching out because I need some caring advice on this current situation. Any advice is appreciated.

After all you've lived through, I did not expect you would be able to intelligently convey your situation and give examples rather than sweeping statements. So, I know you have a perfect healthy normal brain that was simply exposed to terrible stimuli during its growing and maturing phases as a child and teen. If it had been a loving home, I'll bet you wouldn't have RTSD or anxieties, etc. So first, don't look at yourself as defective. Its like looking at a brand new red jeep that is all covered in off road mud and dirt so you have no idea of how perfect and beautiful a car it is when cleaned off. There are layers of hurt and memories that keep the anxieties going. I was the first child, no siblings at first, no neighbor kids and so never exposed to people other than my family, I met other kids my age as I started Kindergarten. Bear with me as my personal story is something you need to hear for hope. Mom never prepared for the fact she'd leave me there a while so when she made to l e leave, I tried to leave with her and that terrified me as much as kids my own age wanting to talk to me, play, maybe tease to get a rise out of me. I never had teasing at home, It was a concept I didn't understand so I lived with extreme social anxieties until my last year of HS. Seeing a quiet withdrawn Mom compared to a socially outgoing person in my Dad, I wanted to be more like him and knew I wouldn't be able to travel the adult world without losing my anxiety. So I prayed and what God told me was the same I read much later in life like 40 years later from a psychologist turned author and trainer of mental health Dr.s in a very effective method, CBT Cognitive behavioral therapy. Since cognitive means how you brain works and thinks and how that is linked to how we behave, this therapy is meant to work with changing how we think so its positive instead of what some Dr.s have called 'stinking thinking'. I don't understand how it happens as I was like that already before school so I can't blame that as starting it but it made it all worse. I followed the advice I got in prayer which gave me chills as I found the same thing written in a book as what to do to cure my type of anxiety. It was a go at my own pace with tiny baby steps. So for my fear of people talking to me, in general, my first step was simply to look into a persons eyes as I passed them on the street and smile at them. At first, I was terrified of doing just that, so afraid they might think I was chatty and start talking and I wouldn't know what to do. Once I was comfortable with that when nothing that I worried about ever happened, My assignment got more involved. Eventually ending with my starting a conversation first with a stranger in relation to a situation we were in or had something in common, like at the same clothing rack or produce counter, at the same bus stop, etc. learning to avoid closed ended questions which are the kind that can be answered with a yes or no and stops there. I am telling you that yes, pet therapy probably works, like a bandaid to help protect you from what ever is freaking you out at the moment but its' only a help, not a cure. Every person is different so the book might help a few people just by reading it but I suggest that finding a Dr. you trust who is trained in CBT, is the best way to deal with all you have going on because you have a lot of terrible stuff in your past to overcome. So far, you are just a survivor. A person goes through something terrible, is still alive but affected by it for ever. An over-comer is a person who goes through something terrible and is determined at some point to do everything in their power to undo the things you deal with now because of the past. You're alive but living the best you can. The things that happened to you should not happen to any kid growing up and having the bad adoptions as well. However, we live in a tainted world, not a pristine perfect Heaven so unfortunately this does happen. God knows you are strong enough to take control of your own life back. It just won't be easy. If you had the pets before you signed the apt lease, that was when you should have asked your bf and his managers if pets were allowed. Perhaps you could have chosen a different place...like renting a bedroom in the home of a dog lover with fenced in yard.

Some good may come of this. Maybe you will be the one to get legislature passed with strict guidelines on what rights there are for people with ESA's. I have seen too many used it as an excuse to take pets everywhere and those pets misbehave terribly. Its not to me to tell a person to use an animal to cope or to find a way to get cured so the animal is no longer needed in that capacity because as you've found out, not everyone will accept them as the laws are missing or cloudy on the subject. Talk to state legislators. It takes someone like you to talk someone who will listen and does care to see laws changed for the better and they should be able to carry a card like any disabled person who qualifies for such parking. I don't have those issues so it can't be my 'good' cause I pick up. Most all good changes come up because of hardship or experiences in a persons life that weren't good. Right now, having your dogs is what takes your mind off everything so you can cope and not have night mares. Get as many photos of your pets, have plenty at home and a stash your carry in your purse and everytime you feel you are panicking, pull out the photos and look at them and then remember all the good memories you have of the pet. Maybe how they play with you, sense you need cuddles and snuggle up, maybe one of the cats likes to jump up and snatch flies out of the air, you know, the memorable stuff that will calm you and make you feel happier. It works because the thing that is causing the problems you have right now is the memories and how your mind is working in a not so good manner, almost working against you. There is more I am sure, I am just not a Dr. and don't have the training, just what I know worked for me. So for now immediately hopefully that will help you. I will leave you with a name and website, Dr. David D. Burns, psychologist and his website:

https://feelinggood.com/ There is much to read and maybe you will find encouragement. I have read stories on there of people healed from their anxieties they lived with all their life only to finally find freedom in their fifties. I'd hate to see it take that long for you. But you will do what you are ready to and willing to and whatever doesn't cause fear or uncomfortable feelings.

[view]

I am a 24 year old female. I feel stuck in life, my boyfriend has a house with his mother, and one day when we sell the house (5 year plan) his mother will probably have to live with us. He bought a truck in January without my knowledge or discussion and that hurt my feelings and I was outraged. I know the love and affection doesn’t live on forever but lately it’s almost non existent. Sure, he’ll love on me when he wants to be intimate but then far and few in between. Lately, I’ve been angry, upset, and resentful (introvertly), and towards him I’ve just been like Eeyore. Several small things have added up to make me just constantly annoyed with him. And in truth, it all started when the truck came home, and weeks later his best friends girlfriend drove the truck and I saw red, I was infuriated with him, because we went to get dog food once and I went to open the door for him to put the food in the truck and he snarled at me that I wasn’t driving the truck, when all I was doing was opening the door for him rock drop the food. I have so much anger towards him, and I’m not sure if his affection is gone because of my mood swings, or if my mood swings are because he isn’t affectionate and I feel like he enjoys everyone except for me. I feel like my light went out, and I am filled with horrible feelings, I just want my bubbly self to be back, but I’m buried underneath hurt, anger, and annoyance, and also this feeling of being stuck in life.

Someone said its good to talk things out and let your side be heard. I tried that first with an ex husband who never thought he could do any wrong, and wouldn't go to a mental health Dr which even a retired psychologist friend suggested he do or loose me. Well, He told a friend he'd go only to fool me so I stay but there's nothing wrong with him. So I left. What I am saying is that talking only helps if the other person is open to listen, not dump blame and realize they may need to change and be willing to do so. My ex was none of that. Life isn't over dear, in fact you're at the perfect age where you're mature and old enough to realize some important things and you have noticed that he just doesn't seem to act loving and the only thing close to it is when he wants sex. Doesn't sound like love to me. Lust, yes.
Or maybe he did once but humans tend to not like change for the better and so it is very unlikely that what he ever felt for you was true love, I mean an unconditional love where you are loved simply for being you, not having to do certain things to prove it to him or because he demands it of you. SO My guess is that he was never really in love with you.

About feeling like the light went out for you, it is very possible to feel that. I will share what I learned about how a guy treats his gf or wife and how it relates to both being happy or not. It was told to me using band and bank accounts and money to make the point comparing the two so I shall also.
Everyone has a bank account in their heart where it matters that your partner does the kind of things you find loving as those are deposits into your bank account. So how you are treated is very big. There may be love in your account. But withdrawals are made in many ways by your partner. Perhaps he's done nothing special for you but complains you didn't do enough for his birthday. You still have love in your bank account so you apologize and do something special. Many other such situations requiring you love the person to act, even if its kisses and cuddles. The problem is, a mate who is constantly making withdrawals and not doing things on a daily basis to beef up your account, run the danger of the woman someday finding that place in her heart has run dry of love and there is no chance of more being put in. I had such a buildup of stuff, the love going only one way. By time we attending our oldest's wedding, he wanted to look normal to all the family there and came up beside me to put an arm around, hug or nuzzle me but by then, I had long ago run out of any love and was planning to leave him as soon as the youngest finished HS. I found myself pulling away and avoiding him. It actually felt cheap, false and gross to be touched by a man who had never been in love with me. He actually answered the psychologist saying just that, and that he'd only loved me for being the mother of his kids. Nope, he didn't treat me well as a mother either and should have been with his wife before kids came along. I can't imagine any woman who wants a man who will love her finding he doesn't love her yet because they haven't had a child yet. It wasn't til I reread diaries I filled as a teen and read of who I was back then that I realized how much I had changed 'to try to be right for him or gain his love' and how I'd lost who I was. So its also normal for you to feel you've lost your bubbly self.
Now the hard part. I heard in answer to prayer that I was part of the problem, not in how I behaved but just in choosing to stay with him. I thought I loved myself 100% and God said yes I did love myself alot but not 100% because I chose to subject myself to the kind of treatment I was getting from him, verbal abuse being the biggest. The stress that caused was causing me to have health issues come up. I am not saying automatically leave him. It depends on how he responds. But then again, you may have enough to go on to.

Some women will kill a mans love as I read in advice for women from a males perspective. These women are ones who are never confident even with the guy reassuring them of his love, all the things he does out of love, not expecting back and yet the woman is still asking 'do you love me' over and over and that can kill a man's love. I thought about that because hey, the woman may be doing something too that hurts a relationship. If a woman kills a mans love that way, it dawned on me one day that its for the same reason I explained just with the sexes in reverse. Hear the man is loving but because of her struggling with doubt, she is too wrapped up in all that to show any love to the guy. And if you think about it, trust and love go hand in hand. Have you after all ever trusted a person you didn't like and who hated or treated you mean? I know I haven't.
So I will also mention trust. It takes a long time to build trust but only a moment to destroy it. HOw is it destroyed? The person you trusted because you know them well and knew what to expect is no longer consistent to how they used to be, the person they were that you knew well. Its like turning the key in the cars ignition, a car that has worked all along and all of a sudden, it won't start, nothing wrong with the parts, just decides to act strange or simply not start. You wouldn't trust that car to get you to a job interview on time the next day due to it working great one day and not the next. Everyone needs some kind of predictability in their lives, we don't realize how much we expect that but don't even think to apply it to a mate. He is not consistent. Have you changed that much. What do you really want in life? Usually with troubles like this, a married couple might go to couple counseling so an expert can decide what is going on with two people who are committed and willing to do whatever it takes to save a marriage. However when its dating and not marriage, that depth of commitment to each other is not there though people may argue it is. It is too easy to be together but live your life as a single person, because ones subconscience is saying, 'why buy the cow just to get the milk'. Some people don't even know they live their lives as if they believe that and just aren't aware. If asked why you love your partner, most would be stumped to give some good answers and not based on what they can afford to buy you but character things. I wouldn't have been able to give a positive word about why I loved my ex back when I still did, I only gave excuses for him because there was no reason for him to act that way, nothing from childhood, and I realized something was wrong but wasn't willing to look too close. I had to finally ask myself if I could handle another month of him acting like that. I told myself, yes I could but I wont enjoy it. Could I handle months, a year? I told myself, oh that would be hard, no change, the same thing he is now, but then I've handled it for years already. Then I kept adding time and when I asked myself if I could see myself with him in 10 years yet, I broke down crying, not able to reason his actions away. Actually it was something the psychologist said to me in private when I asked what hope there was for change. He said few people make major changes in life and our mental health is one of them. Some may change a little after a long time and it might not be enough for their mate or family and others may not change at all. So he asked if with those odds, I felt there was any hope for my marriage. (With no change at all, the same old mistreat, lack of love til the day I die, heck no) But over the upcoming days, I gave it the kind of thought that led to me being honest with myself and crying because I knew I'd only been tricking myself with unique ways of handling the situation. We weren't even a good match sexually. I am so much happier and found another husband, who is totally different, way better, unconditional love for me and I don't wait for someone to ask about my husband or why I love him, they will hear it most likely anyways because I have so many examples of what he does that is loving, how often he tells me and we never argue, don't get irritated with each other, but patient, understanding and forgiving. The boyfriends reaction on you reaching to get something out of his new truck, he wasn't even pretending to cover up and show he's in love with you. He lacks understanding and is not nature in his thinking. Instead of snarling, all he had to do is take his first thought, that you might want to drive it and ask, "Hey, what you doing hon? Did you want to get in and drive my car?" and he could have waited for whatever answer you gave to let you know he isn't comfortable with it yet. You are the girlfriend, not the wife. and its few who do Commitment with a girl friend as well as a wife. Having a girl friend is more for those wanting a social partner only or to learn first what it is you like and dislike about the opposite sex so you can make a list of those things, keep updating it over time as you experience dating different people but each new one ending up better than the last one with what you learned. That truck bought without discussing it with you is an example of it. Even if the woman is a stay at home mom and doesn't earn a cent, in a marriage, the incomes are pooled together and bills and purchases carefully researched and plotted out before making a purchase. He didn't care to tell you because in his mind, he has not made a commitment to you. This also means that the next odd thing that comes up that you want, you have to be willling to discuss and a partner who loves you will do any creative budgeting to work out that you get it because they love you so much. I can give a real life experience. Attending HS reunions isn't cheap these days. For my third reunion when I was 47, my husband put his foot down and said I couldn't go as we didn't have the money. Now lets go forward 10 years. When I found the info on my reunion when I was 57 and told the new husband, we had way less income than with last husband. However he said I could go. He just begged me to not make me go with him as he wouldn't know anyone and he would be bored. But the celebration was two parts, a Friday we take over a bar and have the informal meet up there and Sat. with a catered dinner at a country club. We have the one vehicle and instead of dropping me off and coming back later, he parked one block away and said he'd be there for whenever I was done, I didn't have to hurry, just take my time and enjoy myself and have the comfort knowing he's near for me to call in case some people got drunk and things out of hand and I wanted out of there. He kept himself busy playing games on his phone and reading while I was in there. Saturday he dropped me off and came back as it was a safer environment and he felt I'd be okay. That is a true life comparison of a man who didn't love me and one who loves. If you look close enough, I am sure you'll see things aren't right and he's likely not to change but a quick way to find out is to ask if he's willing to go to couple counseling with you. If he truly is, then its worth it to give him the chance to change. If he doesn't want to, then you already know without a willingness to change for the better, nothing will change except that it could get worse. So ask him and then make your decision. Unless you want to stay only because he co owns a house with his mom. But that is not guaranteed. If he doesn't want to marry you and is not treating you lovingly now, it won't happen later either. He could so easily tell himself, I've got the house and the car to impress a sexy young thing and go for affairs with 18 year olds whom he also has no intention of making a commitment to. It would seem, the only commitment might be a temporary will to share his things and once he's decided not to, you ain't gonna get nuthin honey.

[view]

I have been going through a really tough time. My serious relationship of 3 yeas ended. The guy ditched me just before marriage. This my 3rd relationship failure. I'm 32. People around me are getting married and kids. I don't have many friends. I'm alone ans cry everyday. My confidence is shaking. I don't hv anyone to share my deepest feelings. I regret many things in life. I feel anxiety thinking about my future.

Wow, this is a lot to cover.
So I will start with one thing, focusing on the breakup and the depression. It sounds like your depression isn't something you've struggled with all along, only since the break up. In this case, it is called a situational depression brought on by an occurance in your life. My middle daughter went through depression after a boyfriend dumped her. I knew of a list of things a person can do to get rid of this kind of depression but heck, she didn't trust me and took her one free visit, her insurance covered to see a psychologist. In finding out this was due to a situation and since she couldn't c ome again, he gave her a list of things she could do to get over her depression and guess what? It was all the same things I told her. She was stunned to learn I knew this stuff. LOL. I will share the same with you. However, you have a track record of guys leaving you and without knowing quite why, I can see how you'd feel anxious and concerned about your future and even trying another time to find the right guy.
I have something for that too but putting it all here along with the first list is too much so this message will have what to do for depression. You would have to go to my column which is under dragonflymagic and write again to me from there to let me know if you also want the info on how to Find Mr. Right. I used this info after a divorce and found my Mr. Right. It takes into account what you need vs want, and what you will and won't tolerate in a man and I found it very helpful. Before I go on with the depression antidote, I must add that the goal is not to find a mate to be the things you are not, one could lean too hard on a partner and eventually the relationship fails so keep in mind the goal is for a perosn to become totally whole on their own, and meet another who is also totally whole and you have two wholes and a terrific chance at the relationship. If people who are not whole, lets say each is half a person, together they still make only one whole and that doesn't bode well for a successful relationship. So working on yourself is most important right now. Not that I am saying there is something really wrong with you, just the stuff you are experiencing due to what you've experienced in life so far, like losing depression, working on anxieties and becoming very confident in yourself....I have an easy solution for that too you can ask for.

Now on how to get rid of depression.

De pression means that the neuro transmitters in your brain lack enough feel good hormones to help you get through the hard times in life that will happen to everyone at some time. A person with clinical depression is not able to create their own feel good hormones, something ones body should be able to do. You are a person who due to a bad experience needed to dip into your reserve of feel good hormones to help you feel more stable through the hard times. Unfortunately, you needed more than you had in reserve or perhaps it had all been used up previously and due to a string of bad luck, never had a chance for your body to fill it up to full again. It will need to keep being refilled, such as we have to refill our cars fuel tank or it will not run at some point. SO what I share may sound stupid and a far stretch as to being able to help but I felt the differences immediately on a couple of them. Just bear with me and do the ones that are most effective for you and make it something you start doing on a regular basis.

1. Hug therapy: I am talking of big bear hugs, the kind where you both hold on for more than a quiick 2 second hug. I have felt too what causes people to s top too early, an uncomfortable awkward feeling when you get to 2 or 3 seconds. However if I pushed on thru, held on and hugged longer, that will then prompt your body to start creating the much needed hormones. You can't give a hug without g etting one in return so start giving hugs. I understand you don't know many people, So use it on family then.

2. Laughter: Now we know why laughter was considered good medicine, It is a preventative for running out of feel good hormones. So comedies in your style of humor are a must. Find any way you can to have many of those whole hearted belly laughs
3. Movement: Any kind of moving if vigorous enough will up those hormones. I am talking of running, jogging, any work that is like excercise, garden work, etc. But I found something that replaces dancing which would be my favorite form of moving. I tried skipping as I used to do as a kid. I am a grandma and I went skipping down the street. I felt silly but I couldn't help not laughing as I went along. I couldn't go far, running out of breath but if you can do it half a block, that might be enough to help
4.Music: preferably singing along to your favorite music. But I have found a couple songs that the melody does something to me as I listen. The feeling is that my heart feels light like a helium balloon and about to float out of my chest. This is my instant fix. I will listen to a song a bout 3 times through or more and by time I am done, I already feel mostly better. For an example to you, one of those songs is Clocks by Coldplay, just the melody, not the words. But singing along is even better sometimes.
5. Meditation is another listed as helpful for this. It is good to focus and quiet yourself. However, this may work better for others than it does for me.
6. Practice gratefulness: This is hard when we focus on what we lack. This helps us take our minds off what we don't have and even if the things sound silly, putting your mind in the right frame can help you deal with any of those feelings of pity for yourself. My example, I have really bad eyes, near sighted with some double vision and now cataracts. I have complained and caught myself, knowing that if I focus too long on how bad they are, my mood will follow and I won't like the way I end up feeling. So I will say I am happy that I have any sight at all, even bad because I know it would be much harder after a life of sight to end up totally blind at my age. So when I look at it that way, it doesn't solve my sight but affects my feelings connected to it. Now its your turn to try.
And if you want info on How to build self confidence a fun easy way, or on Finding Mr Right, I can help with both. Luckily that things messing up in your life are things I have experienced in slightly different scenarios but using the things I have told you about and it all change my life. Hope to hear from you again, but don't ask me anything in the spot where you can rate this. I can't answer from there. System is not set up that way. YOu'd have to write to me direct on my column. Best wishes!

[view]

I decided to separate from the company that I worked for I put in my 14 day notice work my full 14 day notice the last day they did not pay me for my vacation and they did not pay me my commissions I have tried to reach them I have emailed and called and no answer I need to know I would like to know what I can do about

Cant aay I've experienced the same but it sounds to me like time to contact a lawyer for advice.

[view]

i’m in love with a guy and I haven’t told him, now we’re starting to lose conversation and not talking as much. I regret not telling him and I can’t stop thinking about him, I’m scared to say it to him, but is it too late?

Feelings don't always go both ways. Quite often, one person feels something strong, feels love while the other doesn't feel anything at all.

Next, if you are basing the fact that you don't converse much as a bad omen, then I feel I must remind you that between the ways of talking, face to face, phone calls or texting, that anything like texting, where a person isn't really free to just sit and wait for a response, seems to be the least liked by males and I know from asking plenty of males. The same goes for typing on line in chat rooms or any thing where they need to type much. I do not know what mode of talk you are doing the most, but I would encourage face to face talk and actual phone calls and see what the response from him is first. He may simply not like conversing in any way that isn't instant and involves typing. Also, many feel handicapped and others don't realize they are handicapped when they communicate in ways where you lack seeing facial expressions and body language. Something said in a serious tone that is just teasing, could be taken for truly serious over the phone even. Face to face is best. Now if he can't be bothered to spend time in person with you to talk, he has lost his interest.

Now lets reverse roles and I want you to use your imagination to answer your own question of whether you should tell him or not.
Lets say there is a guy, not this one, another who is secretly in love with you. You know the guy and have talked to him in the beginning simply to be nice and not appear rude but you have no interest in him as more than friends. Actually, you don't even consider him a friend because you don't click as friends, or have much in common. So you try to find ways to not converse as much with him so as to not falsely encourage him to be more than a friend or even a friend. Then one day he gets up the courage, thinking he has lost your interest and love because you don't talk to him much anymore and he tells you that he has been in love with you for a long time. Remember, you don't have these feelings for him, don't feel any chemistry. Does hearing him say he loves you, do anything for you? What does it do to your heart? Does your heart all of a sudden feel love for a guy you felt nothing in common with and had no special feelings for, before he told you? LEts take that further...do you think that at any point in your life, a mere acquaintence, someone you see daily whether at school, work, etc could tell you that they love you when you felt nothing for them before and all of a sudden, the magic words, "I love you," make you feel love too? How about a stranger saying the same thing. THe things we do know about a person we see often but are not yet friends with puts them on the same level as a stranger because the few things we do know are not the only important things about a person to know when choosing to love someone.
Do you see now how it is impossible to say or do anything that will make another fall in love with you and telling them, is just useless information because it is information that will not change how a person feels. So until you can discover if there is something else on his mind, a dying grandparent, Dad out of work, doing bad in a class or two, what ever the major crisis, his mind can be on it instead of on casual friends or girls. There may be a real issue occupying his attention if the change has been pretty quick. With the reports of Corona virus around the world, that alone is changing how people are bahaving and only a life long close buddy or the equivalent is going to be privy to stuff like this going on in the life of that person. Sorry hon, but what you are experiencing is one of the unfair things in life and it can happen to you several times. THere is no guarantee ever that just because you feel love that the other person does.

[view]

This is going to sound like a troll post, but it's unfortunately not. I'm 25 and still pick my nose and sometimes eat it...

It's a bad habit I never broke as a kid and now it's just this thing I do out of muscle memory. I don't do it all the time, just when I'm alone driving somewhere, in the shower, or when I don't think anybody is looking.

I really want to stop, but don't know how. Recently I've been trying to tell myself things like keep your hands on the steering wheel and think about something else. This works most of the time, but then I won't even be thinking about it and I'll find myself doing it. Then I don't have anywhere to wipe it so I wind up just putting it in my mouth.

It's disgusting, I know and now with Corona Virus going around I really want myself to stop for good.

I'm so embarrassed by it, sometimes I'll be driving home from work and do it and then all I can think about is what if one of my coworkers saw me when they were passing by.

I think it has something to do with that I get hungry and want flavor in my mouth or that I'm bored and don't know what to do with my hands. Sometimes it's also because I can just feel the mucus in my nose and I want it out and don't mind eating it because it doesn't taste bad, just kind of watery and sometimes salty. I've been caught doing it before and it's the worst thing ever.

I really need some solid ideas on how to stop. I don't want to be 30 and still doing it.


With the threat of Corona Virus around the world, and people able to pass on the infection before they feel sick, many as exposed and it is passed on by the germs in the air near you or on your hands from something you touched. There is no way to know for sure if such germs were on your hands and it could enter your body all too easily if you touch your face, rub your eyes, touch your nose or mouth. So I would keep that thought foremost in my mind. Getting ill with something that some recover from and some die from, should be a strong enough deterrent from doing this habit. If not, try going for hypnosis as it can break any habits, smoking, fears. Had a co worker who was spooked on purpose by a joking worker who liked to scare the waitresses and one day it caused her to spill boiling hot water on herself. She was so jumpy and fearful after that it affected her work on the job and she went for hypnosis which cured her of her fears and after that,, the guy who tried spooking her again, found she couldn't be scared, she had nerves of steel. It's up to you which one you want to try.

[view]

Hey there,

There is a lot to this, so please read if you can. I think it will help with answering this kind of question.

Basically, I'm 18 and a freshman in college. There is this guy I met last year that became a good friend of mine pretty quickly. He is still in high school, but he is 18 right now. He is in his senior year at the moment.

Personally, I don't think the fact that I'm technically older than him is an issue. I may be in college, but he'll be there too next semester. I just wanted to give some background so you understand what kind of lives we're coming from.

Anyway, the first time I realized I may care for him as more than a friend was when we literally talked until 2 am one day. The only reason we stopped talking was because I fell asleep! I woke up at 4:30 am and told him I fell asleep. He was really nice about it though, and we continued talking until the afternoon of that day. It was honestly amazing.

Conversations like that one have happened a good amount now. We just go on and on, and I love every minute of it. My issue is the fact that I can't tell if he's feeling this connection in a similar way or not. Sometimes I wonder if I seem "creepy" or anything because I am in college and he's still in high school. I don't want to be too forward with him because I'm afraid of making him uncomfortable. We are both "adults" but still...I'd hate to come off in the wrong way.

He also has sent me pictures sometimes, and I feel like that kinda shows that he doesn't mind me seeing him? I don't know. We don't see one another in person that often, so texting is the main way we talk.

It confuses me, because just recently he texted me first, and we got into a long conversation again. Later that night (around 12:30 am) he said he was tired and figured he should go to bed. I know it's probably unreasonable for me to assume he's uninterested because of this. He could have genuinely been tired or something. But it did say he was active for the whole hour after we stopped talking. Not sure if that's helpful though. For some reason I'm wondering if he can tell I like him, and is trying not to come off like he likes me? I'm just confused.

I do like him. I hope we can try something. He just seems hesitant almost. He also asked me if I had plans for spring break, but maybe he was just curious. Definitely can't tell what he's going for.

I would love to continue what we have, and if it turns into something more I'd love that. I just don't know how I should go about this. Any advice? I hope this all makes sense.


Thanks so much in advance!

Warning...don't overthink this. Fact is you seem to enjoy conversing with him, which I see as a sign that two people have much in common as far as their view points, morals, ideas, hopes and dreams and more. You are correct in thinking that something like this is a part of a couple relatiionship that is romantic. However it is also a part of a good solid friendship too. The only thing missing between one and the other is the romance and sexual desire for the other on both sides. Sometimes only one person feels it. When you say you hope to try something, I assume you mean trying to be more than just friends. I came up with the perfect thing to say that won't freak out the other person,, sounds more curious and also as a natural step in a relationship changing from one kind to another.
I would recommend doing this in person so you can also watch his body language/facial expressions as he answers.
What you ask: "Hey Tim, we've been doing great as friends all this time. So it got me thinking and wondering how well we would do as more than friends. What do you think?"
Its simple, short but there is no confession of how you feel in there to scare him away. No use of the word love but as friends, a strong liking and compatibility is implied. The most important is asking what he thinks or it fails. He doesn't feel cornered if you are asking what he thinks. This way, if he does not feel that romantic chemistry with you but does like you as a best/close friend, he will answer with a No, that wouldn't work or might explain he doesn't feel that way about you. If he does like you but was shy or afraid of scaring you away, he will grab at this chance to nonchalantly say yes,, lets try that. Or he may feel brave enough to tell you that he already has those feelings. You can't always tell for sure from encouraging things such as you have seen so far. All I can say is he does like you very much, but whether as a friend or more, you will need to pose that question to find out. He could be the curious type and ask you why you came up with this thought and question. So don't freak, just be honest and answer that you've read that the kind of relationships for couples that work best are ones that started as being close or best friends, so you are curious because you already like him a lot as a friend. This is pretty much true, just presented in a way he won't freak over. If you say you wrote in for advice, that could throw it all off and the reading this somewhere is true, he doesn't need to know it was Advicenators. If you do get together and marry, yes, then you can tell him. My second husband and I have long after shared what our thoughts were when we first met, etc.
v

[view]

My mom is an alcoholic, and has been since my early early childhood. She’s always nagging me about how my sister never tells her anything. She fails to realize that the time to build a strong relationship bond with me and my sister has long passed, how do I set the record straight without her constantly throwing it back up in my face, in future situations? She has gone through things with us that I thought would coax her to stop drinking, but was only temporary, I have given up hope on that account, and do not intent to pity her or try to understand her pain. Also I too do not have a good communicative relationship with her that she doesn’t seem to notice, there is no counseling in area on her problem. So for my remaining years with her I would like to know how to make her understand my different views on her without her keeping me on my toes?

I don't know of any way to get a message through to a person needing some important change in their life. I was married 30 years to a man who never felt he could do anything wrong and kept pointing the finger at me, even publicly telling others how terrible a person, wife i was. Turns out an retired counselor friend recognized mental illness in him and suggested he see a mental health dr. I was so excited when he listened to the friend and went realizing if he didn't, that I might leave him. So he went until I overheard him telling someone that he was going through the motions, only going to fool me into staying with him because he still believed that there was nothing wrong with him, that the Dr. too was wrong. I divorced him and am now married to a wonderful man. My story shows that in many cases, a persons view can be skewed so they simply can not see that they have a critical issue needing care. I am sure you faced much abusive behavior with a mother already drunk, as I did with a man always acting out of his mental illness. Since there is no way to make Mom see your views. The only think you have the power over, to do, is regarding decisions you make that affect you, and how you will act. I can make that more understandable. I had chosen to live with and ex pose myself daily to a husband who mentally abused me. The stress of that affected my physical health but since leaving him, I am so much better and healthy. Stress from a toxic relationship on a daily basis will affect you, stress needing to go somewhere and it either goes to your body or your mind to affectd your health there. I was not locked up with him, I could make the plans to leave at any time but was afraid of how I'd survive with 3 kids so I waited til they were out on their own and now wish I hadn't. But the good part of the story is that I limit my time being around any person or situation now that is stressful. It's called loving yourself fully and is not selfish. Selfish would be a healthy loving Mom who isn't alcoholic wanting to spend time with you but when it comes down to the day, you choose attending a concert with friends over spending time with her and have such plenty of other times where you purposely choose to never make time for Mom. I was told I wasn't loving myself 100%, although I did okay in many ways, but exposing myself to a verbally abussive man day in day out was the part I needed to learn to choose me first. I had to protect myself as you need to do, to keep yourself healthy. So limit time you spend with Mom. I don't know if you still live at home but if you are legally an adult, do whatever you can to get some other friends looking to get out on their own and do it, sharing rent. If not old enough yet, start planning for it, as it is essential for your mental health to have a place of your own, you share with others but not with Mom so you have space from her. You have to realize worst case scenerio that her life will be shortened. I knew a person later in life, a neighbor who had been drinking all their life,, all day long every day and they died of cirrhosis of the liver. At some point, her liver will give out, not a prediction but just based on the scientific knowledge of what happens when a persons liver is abused in such a manner the entire life long. So you will at some point lose her. I say this so that you don't cut her out totally but decide to keep in touch and when she becomes nagging or terrible in how she is treating you, make an excuse to have to leave early, maybe something else you pretend you forgot. You can't share the truth with her as she'll only think you are looking to create trouble. Hope this helps.

[view]

So i like this guy and we are friends. In fact i think im falling for him. I dont think i would ever be able to tell him because then i would loose our friendship. Sometimes i feel like he likes me and other times i feel like he doesnt. But another thing is he is trying to set me up with his cousin. I dont like his cousin like that. And i cant stop liking the guy i like no matter what.

Would you set up a guy you love with a girl cousin of yours? See . . . putting yourself in another persons shoes or situation really brings clarity. Of chourse you would not recommend the one who love as a partner to someone you know. So, since the guy you like is wanting you not for himself but to set up with cousin, that should answer the question as to whether he feels anything more than friendship for you. The fact you realized you don't like his cousin 'that way' means you do recognize the fact that people can feel it with one person but not the other and the unfair thing in life I can't explain is that when you fall in love, it isn't guaranteed that the other person will ever feel the same. If the romantic chemistry isn't there, unfortunately, there is nothing a person can do to make it happen. So this mean just because you feel so strongly about him, that doesn't mean he feels the same way back. If you silently stay as a friend but are at same time tortured by seeing someone you can never have the way you want, then that is one choice but doesn't sound appeallng at all. It sounds quite painful like rubbing salt into a fresh wound. Oh, how that would sting and that what your heart would do on a daily basis.
Your other choice would be to see him as little as possible, slowing seeing him less and than less again until perhaps you don't see him at all. Him seeing you will not make him feel chemistry with you. What isn't there now won't be there later like 5 or ten years. Nope, if a person doesn't feel it now, they won't ever, never feel it.
So the only other choice is to not see him. Will this hurt? Yes, as bad as the other option. However the choice is then not between pain and no pain but pain forever or pain for just a while. See, if you hang in there as a friend, that will be that "pain forever" thing. But if you see him less until you no longer see him, then your heart has a chance to finally heal from the hurt and disappointment and this is the pain for just a while.

[view]

Okay so.. I went to a boy's house after school and came back home around 5:17. My mom was already off and I had to call a Lyft. My mom questioned me about where I was and etc, she took my phone, and went through my messages. I was communicating with a 30+ y/o man and we even had ---. My mom came in my room and asked me how old was he and I ignored her. She left around 6 and hasn't been back since.

So what would you like to hear from this site? That your Mom is harsh? That you should be able to do as you wish? That what you did was not dangerous? I don't know if you meant sex by masturbating with a 30 yr old on line, but I am not up on rules about sex on line, although I imagine that man would be investigated by the police, particulary the department that deals with on line predators. When anyone goes on line to make friends with an underage person with the intention of eventually meeting to have sex, that is any child/teen who is not already 18) then that is sex intended with minors, he is a sex offender. You are still going to do what you want to do so although my choice would be to tell you to stop talking to and seeing the guy, that is not what you asked, in fact, you did not ask a question. What I will asd which I hope helps you to make a better decision is the following fact.

Until a person is at their mid twenties in age, the part of your brain that is used to make good decisions or to see possible consequences down the road, etc is not fully mature, even though your body is mature enough to have sex with someone, of any age, even your own age. So please read this link to an article on this situation. Then you will understand why you may feel it is okay to do what you are doing, being sexually active with a partner of any age.

https://science.howstuffworks.com/life/inside-the-mind/human-brain/teenage-brain1.htm

It sound like you have a Mom but you don't mention a Dad. I have to guess that your Mom is the only one bringing in money for the household budget which may mean longer hours at work, two jobs, and not enough time to be around for you as a family. Taking away your phone was to prevent you from communication with the adult man and in general any other things she can only guess you might be into. Teen girls naturally want attention from males, it is built into us, wanting to know we are beautiful. Unfortunately, with an immature cortex, girls often feel they have to get it through having sex. Sex and lust are sepaerate from unconditional love. I had a healthy time going through this period in my life. I had a Dad at home whom I could go to and model my latest choir dress and ask his opinion how I looked. Girls as teens need to hear from a trusted adult Male in their lives that they are truly on track as far as their femininity is involved. It was good to get his appropriate response of how pretty I looked and that the guys would certainly be looking, but never extended to him wanting to be sexual with me, That would be wrong.
Ever wonder what a much older adult sses in an undeage person or has in common with an underage person? There is nothing in common except that they have working developed sex organs. The adults have a developed cortex and deep down know what they are doing is wrong. They have a problem and should be seeing a therapist. But they want sex and know that any person their own age bracket also has a mature brain and is not going to fall for having sex with them. So they turn to those whose brain is not yet fully developed so they are handicapped already in making the best possible decisions for themselves. So no matter what the person seems like, how nice they are, in reality they are using you. Do you like being used by people? I don't and I don't know of anyone who does. They usually stop seeing friends or break up with anyone who is using them. Using someone means it is not an equal thing, ii is taking and taking and not giving back. Oh but you enjoy the sex, right? Same as a little child enjoys a lollipop and if any adult offers them one if they come in their car to supposedly help them to find their lost puppy. A puppy that does not exist. They get the lollipop, maybe, but who knows what the adult will do to them. Rape and kill them, kidnap for ransome. What is happening is that an adult is preying on another human, one who is not capable of seeing the whole situation for what it is and how you can be affected. I am sorry your MOm doesn't have the time, or even knowledge of this stuff to pass on to you. But you've heard it now from me. So until you reach 25 or there abouts, how can you know you are making good decisions? The answer is simple. You have already started by reaching out for advice as you did here, even though you did not ask a specific question. The best thing you can do is to get advice from an adult who knows you well and whom you feel comfortable talking to, an adult looking out for your best interest. A parent is usually that person but I don't know of many teens comfortable talking to parents about lets say, the party at Shays house that will have boys and booze or the fact you are horny or want sex. If a child is raised with parewnts who remain control of themselves, are calm in any situation and understanding and are raised having chats with parents on any topic, they are more prone to using the parents as their sounding board, which means bouncing their ideas, or issues off the adult to see what they may be missing in a logical and safe way to look at the situation, what actions are needed or not needed, etc. I had 3 girls. I told them to watch the girls who were dating a new guy every couple weeks, messing around with them and pay attention to what was happening with their grades. Grades drop when a girl is upset over losing a boyfriend, she can't concentrate. i told them, I did approve of having Msle friends,, just that I saw a boyfriend as the more romantic relationship teens are ill prepared mentally to handle. I said my wish was for each of them to wait until they graduated until they became sexual with a guy or even dated. I know that may sound harsh. However I also told them that if they got too close to a male friend and both had growing desires for each other and wanted to have sex, that they should oome to me first and I would take them to doctor to get them on the pill. And provide them with condoms to use against STDs. All daughters reported back that indeed, the girls in school who were never without a boyfriend, were also suffering emotionally at times and not getting good grades at all. All three vowed they would not plan on dating or having sex until they graduated. Male friends were told they could come over and hang at our house when we were home so we could chaperone. Most parents can't handle such a situation let alone even spend any time thinking about the future and what could possibly happen. So you may need to find another female adult, if not Mom, a favorite female teacher, maybe there is a Mom of a girlfriend of yours who treats you like another daughter of hers, you could ask her if you can share thoughts with her. I do know some parents are not calm and overreact rather than respond as I have and I know you can not talk and reveal your thoughts or what you are doing or want to do. But it is crucial that you find some adult female you trust. Perhaps an aunt. There was once a situation where one daughter went to talk to her aunt , my sister instead of me, because it was a situation she remembered my not so good reaction too in the past. That is a big part of why I became more approachable as I was already going that way and after hearing my sister tell me years later that my daughter had come to her, I felt bad that I wasn't the best choice for my daughter and became even more open. Parents are not perfect. You need to make your best decision as to whether your Mom can be trusted to not over react or which adult female is your best choice. HOpe this has helped.

[view]

Hi so I am 20 years and I am in my second year at university.About 2 years ago I think I wrote here about me having periods lasting more than 21 days etc and well I went to the many doctors then and they could find out why. In the public hospital they did and ultrasound but they didn’t do the pap smear stuff because they didn’t find it was ideal given that I never wore tampons and I am a virgin . They concluded that everything was ok. They did blood tests and well obviously my blood count was dropping rapidly. Long story short I eventually went to a private hospital and was given a pill to reduce blood sugar level and well my period was regulated . Even since until January 9th 2020 my period came each time it was supposed to and the bleeding was the same no clots etc.
Oh I forgot the public hospital said that it was just stress maybe because they asked about changes in my life food related etc and the only thing that changed was that I had started A levels. The private doctor said that I had pcos but she didn’t run any test on my whatsoever . Anyway I haven’t had period since January which is like a week before I started this semester and although I have always had acne I had manantial get it under control for more than a year now . However recently it is returning to how it was and well I just want someone who has been through this to help me . I really don’t want to go to the doctor because yes I get treatment for the acne but it is so temporary always the same things and pills which are short term . The last time I reduced my acne drastically I used home remedies but then my period was regular . I am fearful of bleeding so much again and well I am thinking that I have to do something to relieve my stress but I don’t know what to do ... Like I just believe that my hormones are messed up since during December I may have eaten junk foods that I stopped eating 2 years ago and then I restarted University with a lot on my since I spent my vacation thinking I failed a course . I’m not sure what my problem is but I’m a bit scared and don’t want to be on any medication ...

My trust in regular doctors today is half and half, so half the time I don't trust that they know what they are talking about, as in going for 2 years with strange heart flutters and it wasn't diagnosed by my doctor or the cardiologists but a list of symptoms on line that a Saturday walk in clinic doctor saw, as I was in for unrelated issue. He gave me a list of more precise situations asking if any related and it was as if he had it because he understood without me telling him and called it PVC. My story is just to show you that todays doctors for the most part just don't know enough or have enough experience or have never encountered or read about a certain condition. We are not doctors here and can only tell our own stories. I am more into natural health remedies and would rather point you in that direction as a last resort. First, heres what the Mayo clinic has to say about PCOS and its symptoms. When it comes to womens reproductive sysmtems and functions of their genetalia, the medical field is so far backwards on that subject that they really don't have a clue. A doctor might say there is no such thing as female ejaculation for example but I discovered in studies on my own to understand myself better, that it is real and some w omen do experience it. I have heard of Endometriosis and PCOS and worked in my early 20s with a gal who had endometriosis and she was uncomfortable and in pain quite often and there wasn't much Drs could do for her as they didn't understand it. Only a decade ago did I hear of PCOS. I do believe that there can be abnormal heavy bleeding not related to PCOS as one of my daughters friends had when going through puberty. The solution was her Dr. putting her on the pill and it worked for her and she was able later to have a child, which women with PCOS have difficulty with or can't so I can't say she had PCOS. Since it is not well understood by the medical community, you'll need to find a Dr. who really cares and will take the extra time to try different things for you and see you as many times as needed. When my kids were young, we went to a Naturopath. A naturopath not only has to learn everything a regular proimary Dr. must know, they go on to study health remedies as well. So when my kids got ear infections, instead of a harsh antibiotic, they got Coloidal Silver, silver in water with no detectable taste, so the kids would take it and they always recovered. If you are againts taking pharmaceutical medications if it comes down to that, then a Naturopath might be your best choice. I would ask where they graduated and check with the college to be sure they attended as there are quacks in that area as well as any other more traditional medical fields.

[view]

I was wondering how I can get my roommates to talk to me I tried everything, I clean our place, clean dishes and when ever I see them I ask them how their day was. The 3 of them will be talking and if I walk into the room they get quiet. We are in college and I want them to talk to me without me starting the conversation. So far they leave notes asking me to pick stuff off at the store.

It would seem it is more of a personality conflict. There is something about you, that doesn't attract them to you as a friend. And if you can't be attracted as friends, you will not be able to be roommates. ITs the same when you marry, if the person you marry isn't a terrific friend first, then no matter how good the sex is, you'll be fighting the rest of the time. I suspect the only reason they leave you alone and don't pick on you is because of all the things you do for them. They get to party, and have fun, study, but have no other responsibilities. There is nothing wrong with you. I am not friends with every person on the planet because there will always be people I just don't like being around, their point of view, morals, beliefs, personality and so on, is so differnet from me, I would be bored or feel that been there done that thing, like I was a highschooler forced to make a bunch of Kindergartners my best friends. Life doesn't work that way. Right now, these gals have someone volunteering to be their maid, maybe cook, a go fer...meaning running errands such as picking items up at the store and possibly doing their laundry for them. They aren't really big girls living on their own as adults, They are still in teen or kid mode, and have no reason to grow up because you are there.
SO here is a lesson for you to learn that will help you through out your life. When it comes to changing for the better, you have no control over changing another person for the better, they have to c ome to that conclusion and desire to change on their own. Even being a good example is like trying to plant seeds in a desert or in clay and expecting to see new growth, it won't happen. You only have control over yourself and changing for the better. So if you can't change them, this means living with them as a stranger and without doing anything for them. Thats not the way to make them friends, all it teaches them is how to use people, to become a leech, a person who is always taking, never giving back, not even in small stuff like words, smiles, compliments. If staying there is something you can't change to outcome of, what does that leave you the option of? Finding new roommates. It would be harder to get all of them to leave so if I were you, I would start looking around for others who are looking for room mates. You didn't mention college and sometimes it is hard to find good roommates for college but you can start this summer advertising, at the college if you do attend, and go for some of the people who don't have a place to live yet near the college and find a group of people you really like and get along with before all of you sign a rental lease together. I would guess that part of the problem with the room mates is that they are very immature. So there is no cure or remedy how to overcome that and get them to acknowledge your presence, talk to you, include you, accept you. They are stuck in middle school or HS as far as maturity is concerned. Don't ever feel you are stuck, no matter how much trouble it is for you to change your situation and start over with new room mates. Yes, its a pain and hard at times, but I did the hard thing and left an ex husband after he was not willing to continue going to a counselor and he had mental illness and hadn't loved me or treated me well in over 25 years. He didn't think he needed help or improving, wasn't in love with me and so I left him. Eventually I found a man who treats me like a Queen, patient, understanding, unconditional love and compliments and tells me he loves me every day. We can't stand being apart for long and we're not young people, being 60 yrs old and 61. I am so glad I realized finally that I can't force the ex to change and God in prayer said, He won't force anyone to change and do the right thing because he has given free will and choice to all. My only power was to decide what I allowed myself to be submitted to or not. I decided I was done being treated like his maid, go fer and everthing else but beloved wife. Still is not a marriage situation for you but there are similarities in how you are treated and the fact that you can't do anything to change them, believe me, that is the first thing I tried when in my twenties and early marriage. When I had kids, I poured my attention into them but now wish I had left earlier. I found such a situation can have hidden stress so I am sure you must be feeling some yourself because it is stressful always wondering what to day and do to get on someones good side and get them to start treating you nicely. I learned the hard way dear but you don't have to waste a good chuck of your life before you learn it unless you don't learn from listening to others but learn best from going through it yourself. THen again, you did ask for advice and I am sorry that there is no magic list of things you can do to improve the relationship with room mates.

[view]

I’m 13 and a female. I was bored and was reading weird stuff and recently got a boyfriend. I think it’s way worst now a days with 13 year olds doing out ragous stuff, have you even seen tiktok¿ it’s horrible what Dani Cohn was and still is doing. I’m sorry teenagers and tweens are so horny these days. With respect. Thanks.

You didn't ask a question hon. Only how you feel, and got a boyfriend and your concerns about TIcToc and teens being horny these days.

What I can state is that being horny isn't something that just simply began to happen in our age and time. ITs always been like that. However in the past, young people were taught and raised differently. Parents still had trouble telling their offspring about the birds and bees but kids were taught to practice self control and wait until marriage. That is why may married rather than stay single as masturbation was something engrained in them as not right. As a teen, I had health and sex ed classes. Most schools no longer have that, and even that wasn't enough, just learning the basics of what body changes sexually were normal, study of the sex organs and how a baby is created. There was still nothing to teach how to avoid getting pregnant young, what to do if horny, and religious teachings that messed up a lot of good people who began to think anything about sex was evil unless within the bounds of marriage and even then, one was restricted to just basics, missionary position, and just penis in vagina sex not for pleasure but just to procreate. So although kids have found out much more on their own today, there still is very little known by teens, and they have no reasons to make a decision to wait until they are older for sex because there are condoms or the day after pill to help. No one is taught to masturbate or to keep their sexual urges to themselves but rape their dates,, date rape drugs, strangers exposing themselves to unknown people and raping women just because they were never taught that forcing someone to have sex or tricking and lying to them to get sex if okay. THen there is the non sex stuff but equally important of how to be able to relate to other people of both sexes. There is teaching today on how to accept people of any sexual orientation, and that is good but still all the rest is still not taught, no classes one c an take to learn, and parents who don't teach their kids because they don't know any more themselves. So if you are concerned about having a healthy relationship, which is not what you see your peers stumbling around pretending to do well, you have to want to learn and self teach. All I can think of to steer you in the right direction is to mention so here is a link:

https://www.youtube.com/user/lacigreen

Laci started self teaching as a teen and realized so many young people had no good place to go to learn and much of info out there was wrong or twisted or only a part of whats needed to know. She began to work with Planned parenthood and began to teach others the real facts so they could make informed good decisions for themselves on anything to do with relationships and sex and as an adult went on to teach as a guest in colleges. SHe makes the videos on you tube short to the point and entertaining. I am in my 60s and still haven't found anything as easy to get a hold of that is on you tube. Maybe there are some great books out there but kids may not have patience to read or money to buy. So now you can spend hours upon hours of watching her short videos. There is much info in each one so I suggest watching each more than once or twice and going back to refresh your memory on others.
I hope what I have shared has helped you some. If you still have a specific question, then start a new one, and make sure you ask a question and provide enough information so we can make an informed response to you.

[view]

My sister’s such a fucking screwup, just last month she ran away from home with her 21 and older boooyfriend(she’s 17🙄), long story short she came back home days later, and I intentionally overheard her multiple conversations that night telling people how he chocked her and pulled a knife on her, and basically showed his crazy side.During her “vacay” she fucked up her attendence at school and continues to do so,How? Oh her dumass is lying 🤥 about where she’s going and when she’s not doing that she’s using the most dumbest excuses.But still with the perky naive belief that she’s in the clear and can graduate smoothly. Anyways I just found out that she’s lying about where she’s going just so she can have date nights with the same fucking psycho I mentioned earlier, can you fucking believe this, is she the dumbest bitch or what?. It’s always the same friend she’s using as a scapegoat to leave the house, and now all the times she’s said she’s going to that friends house since her escape I don’t know whether she was with her dearest psycho or chillin the fuck out for real that time with that said friend( who is in college for a 2nd! Time after dropping out the 1st time and is also married to a man who SHE meet in high school who was also GROWN AF). Should I share this information I have attained with my mother or keep it. Also After she returned from her extensive vacation (might I add a few days later) I intentionally overheard another conversation TALKING TO PSYCHO SAYING SHE FORGAVE HIM.

I know it hurts to see your sister going the wrong way. I had a sibling or two who made bad choices and no matter how often my youngest sibling tried to help out one in particular who continuously made really bad decisions well into adulthood. I gave up as I was married and had three children to care for and didn't need to add an adult one to the mix. So I may understand, but now as an adult looking at your situation, I realize a sibling is not the person in the family who should be taking care of another sibling or worrying about how to get that sibling back on the right track. That is the job of your parents. Some parents have no clue whats going on with a child either because they are too pre-occupied with their own stuff and have no energy left to really care and its easier to do nothing,, or as in my case, there is a child who is very good at hiding things. My oldest experienced depression in HS and didn't tell me until after the birth of her first child it got worse with post partum depression. All I can say is that I wish someone, even any friends of hers had told me so I could have done something,, take her to a doctor. Your sister doesn't need a doctor but a counselor should help. There' a year or less left til she turns 18 and is considered an adult and your parents will no longer be able to lay down the rules for her and enforce them. I would suggest a family counselor where the whole family goes to see the same counselor, usually all at once with each explaining what issues they want addressed. My husband was part of such a deal as an older child not teen yet, when his parents had trouble in marriage and the counselor decided each of the three kids needed to see him as well because if there is something wrong going on with one or more people in a family, its a good guess that children will be affected in some way, such as is the case for you and all the worry isn't healthy either. My husband recalls talking with the counselor on his own, each child being seen to tell their end of story, without any family member around. He shared what he saw happening and the counselor was so impressed with now intelligent he was as a child, high IQ, that he became a friend and mentor for my husband to look up to, even after the family problems were taken care of.k Your sister may need someone other than her parents setting her straight. So it is certainl6 worth a try but none of this will happen unless you tell your parents and ask them to not share how they found out, that your sister will not know that you are the one who told them and show this to your parents if you feel it might help but a family counselor, one who is able to work with both adults and children would be helpful. Your parents can learn things to do, ways to deal with your sister. You are a great sister for caring so much but its time for you to lay this burdon at your parents feet and for them to get help from a professional.

[view]

I am love someone,and I am12 year older than her can our relationship workout????

Depends on the ages of the two people. If one person is still under mid twenties, it is better to wait until that person is older. I mention 25 as that is the age when most teens finally reach the point where the frontal lobe of brain is finally done growing and is mature. Until then, this part of brain which covers decision making, looking ahead to see consequences and such, is very immature and mostly the reason why so often teens make some really dumb mistakes, I know cus I was one and though fairly intelligent, when it came to handling something more significant, I fell flat sometimes. Other than that, the age shouldn't matter. The are couple with even greater age gaps and it works for them if they have enough in common and don't mind the age gap mentally as far as the things you are familiar with, and the difference of of the things you learned as a kid and teen. I have experience in that after a divorce and some dating, I met a guy who befriended me. And there was twenty seven years between us. I did not feel the chemistry for a melding of our minds and i knew that I wanted someone who there was friend chemistry as well as romantic chemistry. He even complained that I did not understand him or didnt find something he bought as interesting because the language, the items were things my own kids, the same age range liked and slang they understood. Words like "sorry, my bad" I did not grow up with and I eventually learned by observance of when it was used, as to what it was supposed to mean. It alone doesn't make sense to me to this day but more sensical is saying,, "sorry, My mistake" I don't like comparing mistakes to being something bad as mistakes are the way we learn. So it really depends much on how the two can blend both their generations and meet somewhere in the middle. I did eventually meet a man and I remarried. My husband was also a person who tended to like having a partner other than him, especially since older females were more settled, understanding, confident and so on. Although he's only a year younger than me so theres no big gap in other things.

[view]

Hello,

Do you have any experience dealing with narcissistic parents? I find myself needing to talk to someone who has been through this.

If not then thanks for your time!

I don't but I became friends with new neighbors only to find something was really wrong. The husband was narcissistic and didn't care who really saw him cus I guess those plagued with this mental illness do not see their behavior as wrong. I spent enough time with the wife to see him get angry, like from zero to 100 in seconds and saw him yelling right in front of me at his wife demanding she take off her wedding ring and put it on the table which she did to get him to calm down. He took it and threw it into the backyard. One time after dinner, my ex and I went to visit while I was still married, they were about to have dinner and I was not hungry and this time he turned on me and demanded I stay and have dinner after pouring each of us a glass of wine. I looked at my husband for help when the man starting yelling cus i said I'd already eaten and wasn't hungry. He said he knew what was good for me and i needed to eat. He wasn't listening to what I said. My husband who had his own mental health issues sat as if nothing was going on. Then when the man got to within a yard of me shaking his fist all of a sudden, I freaked and shucked my glass of wine at him which hit his face mostly and stopped him long enough for me to leave without my husband, he threatened to call the police so I drove to a park and hung out there til bedtime and then came home. I never associated with them again.

From what little I'd read about narcissism, people with it do not live with good relationships. In marriage, it always breaks up. From seeing what that guy treated his wife like, it got me realizing i couldn't go on forever either as my ex was verbally abusive. It was small part of what helped me to leave and get a divorce. Unfortunately, if you are a child, you can't just walk away from such a relationship. Even my ex never thought there was anything wrong with himself so people like that are not prone to go for help. As I see it,, there are two choices for you, neither is good and there is nothing you can do as a child that will fix them or make them more reasonable to get along with. Once you are 18 you are an adult and can leave them and that is something that you may want to make plans for, finding someone else to live with while you go to college or work. So choice number one is you stay at home, read books on what to expect from living with a narcissistic person(s) and put up with it until you are old enough to leave, or choice number two is speaking to school counselors, talking to a local pastor, priest if you don't have one and letting them know what your situation is if you come to a point you can't handle it, and see what they can do to give some positive input and love into your life which is missing. I suppose some narcisstic people can have their tempers go out of control and actually vent by physically hurting you and you have to tell someone like those I have mentioned. At some point they may call children protective agencies and they will investigate. You may go into temporary foster care unless a relative you trust can take you in who will not allow your parents to see you. THe agency will see to your parents getting the help they need. These days, they are all for rehabilitating parents to the point it is safe for the child to go back to them and do so especially with mental patients who are on meds and take them religiously. So you don't have to worry there. But you have to tell people, not your peers as they are in no position to help. However if you have a best friend and feel their parents care about you, you might want to tell your friends Mom and see if you can spend more time there if possible or if they are willing to take you in if parents are getting help and the clearance to have you back at home, or as a place to go live once you turn 18. The only kids who can get away from home sooner are those who at 16 can prove to a court that they can sustain themselves, have a job and place to live and can take care of all their own needs and then become legally emancipated and live on their own without any interferance from parents but there are few who are able to do that.

[view]

I am a 16 year-old girl from Brazil and I need your help please. Basically, it all started in 2018: a new student arrived at my school and as we had a few classes in common we started talking. Even though we were never really friend we used to flirt with each other jokingly. But then, I caught feeling for him. Therefore, I told a friend we had in common that I liked him and I asked her to ask him if he would date me. He said no. Besides a couple days later, during a party, he asked one of my closest friend if she wanted to make out with him. Because of all this,I got extremely sad and decided I wanted to forget about him. But he would still talk and text me, even though he wouldn’t flirt anymore and it became hard to forget him (at this point I thought he knew I liked him but he didn’t want to loose our friendship). During vacation I stopped talking to him and we drifted away. When classes begun (already in 2019) I realized I wasn’t completely over him. During that year he almost dated two girls and I almost dated one guy (and while me and the other dude were talking I new I was completely over the first guy). But in the end of 2019, I noticed that guy1 was interested in me. But nothing happened between us, because I was too afraid: I thought he was using me as backup and that he never really liked me. In the beginning of this year (2020) I thought he still wanted something with me. But I started to ignore him and haven’t talked to him properly since last year (so I guess he just gave up but I don’t know). Now, he is talking to some other girl and I think they will start dating sooner or later. Therefore, I feel that I need to solve things between us before that happens. Also, as I decided to get over him for real now, I feel like I need to confess everything I felt during those years and just put an end in everything we ever had. I feel like I need to do that in order to feel good and get over it. My friends disagree. But I have already confessed old feelings for other guys and it helped to get over them. I feel like I need a confirmation, this time directly from him that he’s never felt the same way as me, even though it might hurt. But I still don’t know what to do. I’m worried about how he’s going to react. Can you please help me?

Oh boy, I hope you see this in time to be warned to NOT share your feelings with him. Why? It puts the person on the spot and makes them uncomfortable. Lets try this in reverse and theres a guy you are Not interested in and one day he decides to get it all off his chest by telling you that he has feelings for you? How awkward would that make you feel since you don't feel any chemistry with him? Hmm, well lets say he's trying to sneak peeks at you at school and you catch him, now you feel strange and want some way to hide so you don't have to feel his eyes on you and your imagination might work overtime, imagining him saying and doing certain things all because he feels he loves you. No one likes the feeling of someone pining after them when you don't feel the same in return. So, long story short, Dont Tell Him!!

You are confusing any feelings you have still for really still into him. I can explain this too. You have a subconscious mind I will use SM for. The SM is always awake even when your conscious mind is asleep. The SM is where dreams come from, it regulates your blinking your eyes and taking your next breath. It is also wanting to please you and in that endeavor believes that what you think the most about means that it is something you want, even if what you are thinking about so much is something you fear. The SM watches movies with you and tho your conscious mind knows its a made up plot with actors, your SM sees it as real and gets carried away with emotions, crying if its a sad movie, or getting angry with adrenaline rising because its an unfair or terrible situation.

The way most 'feelings' come about are due to these emotions an SM will drum up. There is something that catches your eye about this guy, his looks, sound of his voice or laugh, sense of humor, manners, etc. Whatever it is has you thinking much about him. The SM sees this and since you are thinking a lot about him, it wants to please you by bringing about the two of you getting together. This is not based on reality because other than the few things you like, you still do not know much about him. You don't know all of his personality or characteristics. One way to discover a lot is to be friends and see what happens. As it happens in your case, a friend in talking to him gave you his answer that he is not interesting in dating. People do not date others they are not attracted to their looks. But it is just as important to be attracted to another persons personality. The only difference between being friends and being more than friends, is the romance felt on both sides besides the friendship.
If a person doesn't love who you are on the inside, a guy will leave you when you get wrinkles and grey hair or long before that to go for a younger woman. If a man is not invested in you inside as well as outside, then he's not for you. telling him anything will not make the thoughts go away.
So heres how to do it. Think of your SM as another person inside you...two in the same body. It has to get dragged around into situations it may not like because your conscious mind is the one in control of the steering wheel. It can and will listen to you and can be trained. It is smart but in many ways, too childlike in its thinking. So you have to speak to it, inside your head or out loud when alone Give it a name. Example: I recognize you as my Subconscious Mind and will name you Jenny until I know what name you'd like to be called. Yes, my own subconscious got upset when I first was asked her name and told my husband, I don't know and immediately inside my head, the thought came with a name. Anyways, just tell Jenny that although you felt something for lets call him Tom) Tom, he wasn't attracted to you in a romantic way and only likes you a little as a friend. That means you want Jenny to stop bringing up thoughts about him. YOu need to move on and can't if you're still thinking only about him.

Yes its unfair when one person feels the attraction and the other doesn't. Believe me, it happens more than you think. I've had guys who were attracted to me physically but I wanted the friendship part too because I wanted something that would last a long time. None of them wanted a de ep friendship as well and some were average looking but a couple looked like male models who just stepped out of a magazine. I knew I liked their looks but that was it. We couldn't connect on a friendship level and he knew that too and stopped calling and never explained. If a guy doesn't contact you ever again, he's not interested romantically. If he does keep in touch but not too often, he may be interested in maintaining just friendship.
The objective in your teen years is to discover what traits you like in a guy and what you don't or find detrimental to a relationship. If you value someone who is consistent in their good manners, a truth teller, no lies, loyal, unconditional love, patient, never raises voice to you or picks fights, etc...those are all important to jot down and keep a list of as you will use this list which will grow as you have more dating experience. Even if you never dated in HS, once out, its early enough and you are more mature and wiser so this list can still be written. I came up with mine at the end of a 30 yr marriage to an abusive man, verbal abuse. With my list, I was able to find the love of my life, a man who treats me like a Queen and loves me, even with the wrinkles, silver in the hair and missing eyebrows. I do have info on how to find Mr Right which you may ask for by writing to me from my column only. Go to Dragonflymagic on columnists. I explain more of this idea. And even though its a long time til you may marry if you do, its best to start now making this list and understanding things like a Must have, for you which if not present in the guy makes him a deal breaker, you don't date him. A list of wants is important too. Well, I hope this has gotten you curious enough to search for more truth on how this is handled. Your friends will not know any of this, younger women usually don't know much of this or make the connection in their minds, but I have a lifetime of experience and truly want to help. Remember, you don't need to confess to him to get rid of feelings. That actually does not work. But if you don't want to trust me, go ahead and do it and then you'll have to live with the Aftermath.

[view]

Hi.. This is Bhuvana. It's been around 1.6 years since I married. I was in a relationship of about 7 years and married the same guy. He is such a great person and takes care of me like a new born baby always. But nowadays I have started to lose the feelings for him. He has become more fat and ugly and not obeying my words. I can feel that how much lazy he is being nowadays!!! So it always end up it fight whatever the topic arises! Fitness or money related whatever.. We are always ending up wit fight and arguments.

I'm a working women and I'm getting attracted towards another person at office. But I'm not sure if that person is also feeling the same towards me!! At times, he is caring and at times he is not. But I feel that I have feelings only on the person at office not with my husband as I'm not being happy at home.

Why this kind of stupid thoughts for me? I'm brought up in a culture where we need to respect one and only our husbands and live life with him. And that is the promise before society we gave. But with these kind of thoughts, I'm unable to be happy. The person whom I have feelings on person at office is also not minding but at times he misses me and talks to me well but at times not...

I always think about that person at office and waits damn for his texts, care or call etc.... I'm unable to be truthful to my husband. Really suffering a lot!! Kindly advice :(

Having interest in someone other than ones husband and also men having interest in other women usually starts when they are not happy in their marriage. The reasons why can vary. Sometimes as in your situation, a person loses attraction to their mate. Often the reason is that the two were never a good match to begin with. There is no chemistry, the kind needed both to be best of friends and also the best lovers. Something that leads people off onto a wrong path is assuming that what they feel is the real thing, I have heard it called New Relationship Energy. This kind of energy is the same kind of excitement one gets when anticipating receiving a gift and opening it and it being exactly what they wanted. However, I remember several times as a child wanting a certain thing, it sounded good at the time but once I had it, It didn't hold my interest for long. Yes, I loved some aspects of it, but not all. Its the same in some relationships and may be the case with yours, both of you thinking you want something but it turning out to not be all you wanted. You get something that you wanted, in your case the attention and caring lavished on you. But what might be missing is being in love, unconditional love and that means loving the person more than skin deep, loving their personality and character, even their short comings feel like small insignificant things. I had a bad marriage first time around. I now have a second husband after a divorce and he loves me more than skin deep which is good because we are getting older, I have wrinkles, my eyebrows have disappeared, eyesight and hearing bad, hair is starting to thin besides getting more silver. When our car gets old, we might trade in for a newer model. I am not saying you are shallow minded and simply don't love him for gaining lots of weight. I am only telling you of reasons why people end up in the situation or feel as they do when in the situation. We might feel we love a person for the right reasons as I did when 20 and marrying the first husband. I thought I had chosen well and he seemed to love me but in a month it switched and he surprised all my family whom he fooled. I was verbally abused and yes there were fights, mostly one sided as I didn't choose to be sucked into a verbal war and retreated. So I have some idea as to how it feels to be unhappy in marriage.

The part I don't understand is that you were in a relationship with him 7 years before marrying him. Surely you had seen something or things came up that were pretty bad, long before you got to the marriage point. If he was truly pretending to be someone he wasn't, he would have reverted back to his real self within weeks if not months. Only a few people can come up with the personal energy needed to pull off a fake personality longer, like 3 to 6 months but no longer. I wasn't able to spot the warning sign early on with the first husband but after divorce, I knew what it looked like in a person and many guys met me and went on a total of 3 dates maximum before they let the fake personality slip, thinking they had fooled me and I was in love. I wisely told them I felt no chemistry although I'd given it time and then told them it was over. I was not about to get hooked up to a man who was anything like the last one. I did not fall for anyone else while with my ex. It was enough for me to deal with daily stuff including being a Mom of three girls. I also had to fill the role of Dad partially due to problems the ex had. So there is where my situation is different.

I will say that running into the arms of anyone whom you find sexually attractive is only going to be a relationship built again on interest that runs skin deep. I'll put it this way, pretend you are single, and if you had a choice to marry a guy who had all the great terrific qualities of your current husband, and there were two choices and the only difference is that one loved you skin deep only and one loved who you are inside, the part that will never age and wrinkle, then which would you choose? I had to decide what was most important and critical to have in a mate the second time around. I wrote a document called, Finding Mr. Right based on my experiences and what I did to find the right man for me. If you want it, to check to see if the current husband actuall6 fits that, go to my column, Dragonflymagic and write me from there to ask for it. This info helped me find my second husband.

Not saying you need to do this. In most situations I would recommend getting him to agree to go with you to a marriage counselor first. Then if things can't be worked out or he refuses, only then go for divorce. You will not be the only woman who had ever faced this. Probably half the women you know are unhappily married and the problems range from very minor to major things like neglect and abuse. You need to make decisions and some changes are needed that are going to be the best for both of you. But if it can't be beneficial to both of you, in the end, you have to look out for your own needs first because there is no knight in shining armor who will be riding in to save you. It all falls to you.

I won't skip what you said about honoring ones husband. THere is also the bible verse to honor your mother and father. Honor is a good thing but very misunderstood. A person must be honorable to be honored. If a person were a killer, stole cars, embezzled money, etc. their character alreadt is not one that should be honored simply because they are a parent or a husband. Thats where some go astry and believe they must honor no matter what. Lets use me again for example. My first husband broke every promise he made in marriage vows. Finaaly one day later in life, I actually heard back from God, (or whatever you call a higher source) that I am released from my vows because the husband broke all of his and that nullified the vows and I owed him nothing. I was highly mistreated and mentally tortured on a daily basis, so my only option was to leave. I don't know if that is the case for you. Fighting is a bad sign but might be able to be fixed with couple
counseling but you did mention his weight gain and becoming lazy. Again using myself on that subject, my second husband has a body type that according to ayurvedic medicine is the one that struggles most with weight gain, must excercise the most and eat right to just barely keep weight in reason. I have seen him go down to a slimmer self and back up again. But that has nothing to do with him being lazy. He is very active, calls himself a work horse which is true. He doesn't like to just sit and do nothing much. His activity however doesn't help keep the weight off. He has to go on fasts often if he wants to get his weight down. So is his tummy sexy looking? No. Does he have extra fat elsewhere? Yes. Do I find him ugly? No, but if I focus on the tummy only, I won't see the parts of him I do love. I love his long hair, love the shape of his legs, bottom and the dip at the bottom of his back and private parts I won't go into. I may not be as turned on by his looks as I am by who he is inside, how he treats me like a Queen, how his eyes still fill with desire for me. If a guy isn't looking anymore at his woman like that, he has lost interest, by the way. I in return love him with all my heart, telling myself often how lucky I am. I know I would never trade him for a man who lacks with he has on the inside but has a body builder body and looks sexy and all women drool when they see him. As an aside, I will say that no matter his extra weight, because of how he treats women kindly everywhere, he has women interested in him all the time. I have plenty of funny stories on that. I have shared all I can think on the subject including my own life examples. I can't tell you what to do. Only you can decide what to do next. Hopefully what I've shared will make it easier to know what to do. Talking to each other about what changed and why is needed. If he can't do it without picking fights, go to a counselor who will mediate this and help you get the information out. Once you have more information, you will know wether there is hope or if its over. A friend got my husband to go to a psychologist because as a retired counselor he saw some mental illness in my ex and the ex went only a few times and then told friends he was going only to fool me to keep me, where I would think he is really wanting to get better and save the marriage. But that wasn't his goal and he still felt there was nothing wrong with me and from an eye opening conversation with the Dr. I discovered there was no hope. He was asked if he was in love with me, not that he loved me but in love, there is a difference. He didn't answer but tried to distract away from himself by saying, "You don't know how difficult it is being married to her, she does so many things wrong." The counselor recongnized the tactic as one to lead the focus off him and simply asked the question again. This time he finally said, "Well, I love her as the mother of my kids." "Are you in lover with her?" he was asked again but he'd only said basically that he thought I was doing a good job as mother to our kids. He squirmed a while and finally said, "No, I have never been in love with her." When I heard that, it actually answered many questions as to why he had treated me the way he had. THis is what I meant by learning something important and eye opening to make my decision on when going for counseling. Thats why I suggest it for you.

[view]

<<< Previous Advice Column
Next Advice Column >>>
humorist-workshop
eXTReMe Tracker