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Going through depression and anxiety after a serious relationship ended
I have been going through a really tough time. My serious relationship of 3 yeas ended. The guy ditched me just before marriage. This my 3rd relationship failure. I'm 32. People around me are getting married and kids. I don't have many friends. I'm alone ans cry everyday. My confidence is shaking. I don't hv anyone to share my deepest feelings. I regret many things in life. I feel anxiety thinking about my future.
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I've been in the same situation as you. I put years into a serious relationship, engaged for a year and he just abruptly left. I didn't really have friends either. It sucks when people around you are moving forward when you feel like you got stuck behind. I got depressed over it because I had thought I wasn't worthy of deserving those things. You have to remember other people's lives aren't your story. You have to create your own and move forward. We all do this at different paces. You are young and you've got time. There's nothing to worry about. You are allowed to be upset and to wallow because it's tough. At some point, you've got to stop thinking negatively and start focusing on yourself. Start doing things that will make you happy. You can be single for awhile, try to make friends or even slowly start to date when you're ready. You're just starting over and you're going to have new/better experiences. You have a future with someone else who will care about you. Someone who loves you won't just drop you like that. Try not to think about things you regret or putting a time frame on specific things because that will only hold you back. Think how you have handled breakups in the past and do something differently this time. I personally used to wallow and do nothing but I forced myself to do things that gave me anxiety: returning to school, juggling a new job and making friends with strangers. A break could be good for you. Focus on being independent, moving on and look forward to the future. Don't dread it!! <3
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Do not blame someone elses poor actions on yourself. I know its easy to try and justify another persons actions because you love them so much, but I promise you, you are not the problem. Think about it, you dodged a bullet from being with someone who does not genuinely appreciate you and he lost a wonderful person with a caring heart who really felt for him, its his loss girl, you got this. Never compare your life to others, everyone's success comes in different times. Im not sure if you are religious but god always has the perfect timing, I promise. Learn to love yourself and enjoy your own company, self love is the best type of love.
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If someone leaves you before geting marraige it's about them more so than it is about you. You're going to be in tons of relationships in your life where some will work and others fail. That's normal. I would put no worry on three in a row not working. It's just coincidence. As long as you examine why each did honestly and learn lessons moving forward you'll be fine.
Your problem is your confidence in yourself and not valuing who you are. Until you can do that nobody else can love you because you don't love yourself. That's a big part of it you don't have a handle on your own identity and importance.
As far as being 32 it's just a number. Yes, others may be getting married but it's not a competition. Be glad you haven't married the wrong person. You'll eventually find the right person in time. Relax about that.
What you need to do is get your mental health in order. Go to your family doctor and mention the fact you lack friends, cry uncontrollably, have no confidence and constant regret. Tell them you can't share your feelings with others and think you are depressed. Try and get a referal to a psychiatrist as well as support groups and programs. It will be okay but you need to get this asessed or you won't be able to move forward with your life.
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Wow, this is a lot to cover.
So I will start with one thing, focusing on the breakup and the depression. It sounds like your depression isn't something you've struggled with all along, only since the break up. In this case, it is called a situational depression brought on by an occurance in your life. My middle daughter went through depression after a boyfriend dumped her. I knew of a list of things a person can do to get rid of this kind of depression but heck, she didn't trust me and took her one free visit, her insurance covered to see a psychologist. In finding out this was due to a situation and since she couldn't c ome again, he gave her a list of things she could do to get over her depression and guess what? It was all the same things I told her. She was stunned to learn I knew this stuff. LOL. I will share the same with you. However, you have a track record of guys leaving you and without knowing quite why, I can see how you'd feel anxious and concerned about your future and even trying another time to find the right guy.
I have something for that too but putting it all here along with the first list is too much so this message will have what to do for depression. You would have to go to my column which is under dragonflymagic and write again to me from there to let me know if you also want the info on how to Find Mr. Right. I used this info after a divorce and found my Mr. Right. It takes into account what you need vs want, and what you will and won't tolerate in a man and I found it very helpful. Before I go on with the depression antidote, I must add that the goal is not to find a mate to be the things you are not, one could lean too hard on a partner and eventually the relationship fails so keep in mind the goal is for a perosn to become totally whole on their own, and meet another who is also totally whole and you have two wholes and a terrific chance at the relationship. If people who are not whole, lets say each is half a person, together they still make only one whole and that doesn't bode well for a successful relationship. So working on yourself is most important right now. Not that I am saying there is something really wrong with you, just the stuff you are experiencing due to what you've experienced in life so far, like losing depression, working on anxieties and becoming very confident in yourself....I have an easy solution for that too you can ask for.
Now on how to get rid of depression.
De pression means that the neuro transmitters in your brain lack enough feel good hormones to help you get through the hard times in life that will happen to everyone at some time. A person with clinical depression is not able to create their own feel good hormones, something ones body should be able to do. You are a person who due to a bad experience needed to dip into your reserve of feel good hormones to help you feel more stable through the hard times. Unfortunately, you needed more than you had in reserve or perhaps it had all been used up previously and due to a string of bad luck, never had a chance for your body to fill it up to full again. It will need to keep being refilled, such as we have to refill our cars fuel tank or it will not run at some point. SO what I share may sound stupid and a far stretch as to being able to help but I felt the differences immediately on a couple of them. Just bear with me and do the ones that are most effective for you and make it something you start doing on a regular basis.
1. Hug therapy: I am talking of big bear hugs, the kind where you both hold on for more than a quiick 2 second hug. I have felt too what causes people to s top too early, an uncomfortable awkward feeling when you get to 2 or 3 seconds. However if I pushed on thru, held on and hugged longer, that will then prompt your body to start creating the much needed hormones. You can't give a hug without g etting one in return so start giving hugs. I understand you don't know many people, So use it on family then.
2. Laughter: Now we know why laughter was considered good medicine, It is a preventative for running out of feel good hormones. So comedies in your style of humor are a must. Find any way you can to have many of those whole hearted belly laughs
3. Movement: Any kind of moving if vigorous enough will up those hormones. I am talking of running, jogging, any work that is like excercise, garden work, etc. But I found something that replaces dancing which would be my favorite form of moving. I tried skipping as I used to do as a kid. I am a grandma and I went skipping down the street. I felt silly but I couldn't help not laughing as I went along. I couldn't go far, running out of breath but if you can do it half a block, that might be enough to help
4.Music: preferably singing along to your favorite music. But I have found a couple songs that the melody does something to me as I listen. The feeling is that my heart feels light like a helium balloon and about to float out of my chest. This is my instant fix. I will listen to a song a bout 3 times through or more and by time I am done, I already feel mostly better. For an example to you, one of those songs is Clocks by Coldplay, just the melody, not the words. But singing along is even better sometimes.
5. Meditation is another listed as helpful for this. It is good to focus and quiet yourself. However, this may work better for others than it does for me.
6. Practice gratefulness: This is hard when we focus on what we lack. This helps us take our minds off what we don't have and even if the things sound silly, putting your mind in the right frame can help you deal with any of those feelings of pity for yourself. My example, I have really bad eyes, near sighted with some double vision and now cataracts. I have complained and caught myself, knowing that if I focus too long on how bad they are, my mood will follow and I won't like the way I end up feeling. So I will say I am happy that I have any sight at all, even bad because I know it would be much harder after a life of sight to end up totally blind at my age. So when I look at it that way, it doesn't solve my sight but affects my feelings connected to it. Now its your turn to try.
And if you want info on How to build self confidence a fun easy way, or on Finding Mr Right, I can help with both. Luckily that things messing up in your life are things I have experienced in slightly different scenarios but using the things I have told you about and it all change my life. Hope to hear from you again, but don't ask me anything in the spot where you can rate this. I can't answer from there. System is not set up that way. YOu'd have to write to me direct on my column. Best wishes!
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