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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
I know someone that is from Canada, living in the States, and a company hired them to work, a huge company. They don't have real social security numbers, the company provided them "a way around". Can I turn the company in or have anything done about it?
The Answer
Canadians often don't require visas or American SSNs to work in the states. We have a Canadian SIN number which is considered valid when we work in the states as NAFTA professionals. They only have to apply.
I would seriously suggest you double-check your details before walking into a police station. Canadians working in the states, and Americans working and Canada are covered by the North American Free Trade Agreement and it has been made reasonably simple for them to do. Although a company might have found a 'way around' some of the paperwork, unless someone has told you flat out that these people are working illegally, I would bet they are fine. Why would a really big company take a risk when the paperwork to bring in a Canadian worker is relatively straightforward and only costs $60?
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The Question
Me, Jess, and Alexa are best friends. At the beginning of the year Jess and some of her other friends were friends with this group of guys. One of the guys started liking one of Jess's friends, but it didn't work out. So then those guys stopped talking to Jess and her friends all together to avoid the awkwardness. Now me and Alexa are friends with these guys out of a coincidence. Jess is jealous and feels REALLY left out. She's upset because her old guy friends "dumped" her and moved on to me and Alexa. Now they don't acknowledge her at all. But the thing is...these guys call us to hang out all the time and they persue our friendship a lot. Jess is one of my best friends and being friends with these guys is hurting our friendship.
The horrible part is that I like one of the guys. I told Jess that by the way. Its horrible!
The Answer
What you described is NO, and I mean absolutely NO reason for Jess to be 'shunned' by these guys.
If they were once friends with her, why can't she be included in the invitations out? Because of someone she happens to be friends with?
If that is the way these guys see fit to treat Jess, they are petty, cruel and very immature. I think it's pretty clear who you owe your loyalties too here. If these gentlemen can't be civil and include your best friend in outings because of a problem they have with someone else, they are the ones who deserve to be 'shunned'.
Put your foot down and insist they grow up and give Jess a fair chance. They don't have to be best friend, but they have to be fair and kind. I promise you, if this guy can't manage to be civil to your Jess and include her from time to time, he isn't worth liking anyways. Sooner or later he will treat you just as shabbily and painfully as he is letting Jess be treated.
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The Question
Razhie,
You always give great advice so hopefully you'll be able to help me.
..the story goes.. my bf (now ex) was in a left-wing political group that he was very involved in. He spent a lot of his time doing things within this political group, i.e. trying to recruit more people, going to weekly meetings, etc. They're very fanatical and I had problems with them from the start, especially when he started neglecting his studies for them. But I dealt with it. Then they started getting between us... we'd start arguing about them, and he'd yell at me all the time for voicing my opinion on them. One time I had enough when he yelled at me and told him he had to make a choice: me or them. After a few days he wrote me a note saying I had to respect his choice to be in them and he couldn't leave them. I couldn't stay with him with them driving a wedge between us so we broke up.
Many days later he called me up telling me his friend heard I wanted to hear from him (which wasn't true) We talked for a while and I agreed to make a compromise: he only had to give up his involvement for a semester. He promised he would if he could stay in for the rest of the month and if I accepted him being in it after the semester. I thought a semesters break might do him good and he'd do better at his studies.
Everything was ok for a couple of weeks, then out of the blue he declared he couldn't do it. He said he only agreed to it because he was "Desperate" to get me back. A semester without them he said would make him feel "empty" and he'd probably drop out of politics all together. Previously I had promised him if he left for a semester I'd encourage him to go back. But it wasn't enough. I asked him if I could change his mind and he said even though he loved me nothing could make him leave. He said he'd hate me for it. I asked him outright if I was worth one semester without them, and he said I wasn't and if I loved him I'd accept him being in the group. I told him I had made a compromise by saying he only had to leave a semester not forever and I would accept them if he showed some dedication to me. He refused, and dropped me off home. I told him if he changed his mind to let me know. He said the same to me. We said our goodbyes.
It's been a week now since the break-up and I'm not in a good state. I'm shattered but at the time very angry. Did I do the wrong thing by giving him that ultimatum? I honestly didn't just do it for us, but for his benefit too. I knew they were important to him but I can't understand why we weren't more important. We were together 3 months, but spent a lot of time together because we lived in the same dorm at college. I can't understand why nothing I did for him was good enough.
Sorry for this being so long and boring!
Thanks so much.
The Answer
You aren't what he really wanted.
He doesn't sound like he is what you really want either.
That isn't a 'failure' on either of your parts. That is just coming to the very adult realization that it isn't going to work and that your values and beliefs are TOO different.
It's not about not being good enough; it's about being too smart to stick around in a relationship where compromise is no longer possible. A not so smart girl would have stuck by him and said 'Oh you poor sweetheart. You are so brilliant and important it's okay if you yell at me and fail out of college. I don't care what you do! I just want to worship you.'
When you realize that something like THAT, is what would have made you 'good enough' to keep him, you can easily see why 'good enough' is not the issue. Some other woman might have fundamentally agreed with his choices, but you didn't, the only way you could have supported him in them was by denying your own reason and blindly worshiping him.
Three months is not a lifetime. Sure it's long enough to hurt like hell, but it's also long enough to take serious stock and say honestly to yourself 'Yep, we tried. Didn't work. Moving on.'
Take a deep breath, cry it out, learn what you can from it and then let it go.
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The Question
http://sfbay.craigslist.org/sby/car/553576106.html
Is this a girl-appropriate car? Or is it more of a guy car?
How can you tell if a car is a boy car or a girl car?
The Answer
Well if you have to grab them by the back wheels and pick ‘em and look at the underside…
Ps-shaw, I’m just kidding ya. Everybody knows cars are hermaphrodites.
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The Question
I have this boyfriend and we have been dating off and on for almost a year and a half.
Of course people change but, he's changed dramatically with what his turn-ons are.
When we first started dating he loved making out and french kissing me.
He especially loved oral, and he's always loved anal and vaginal.
But for some reason, this one time, I farted in front of him and he wanted to smell it.
I was like, wtf..
So whenever I fart or something, he wants me to tell him so he can smell it and he gets aroused by it! He gets a freaking boner!
And not only that, but he's obsessed with my ass and my asshole.
We'll be in his room or anywhere, and he'll be like, Hey, why don't you put your ass in my face. And he's like, how about if I eat out your asshole. And he puts his face in it and starts smelling it!
It really really turns me off.
I don't understand why he likes it so much..
It's getting to the point where he asks me if I can take a shit on him! >:[
It's grossing me out, and I don't know what to do..
When we'd be talking dirty, he'd be like, how about you put your thong on me, do 69 on me and take a shit on my head..
He won't stop!
Talking about shitting on him, farting on him, wearing my clothes like my thongs, or smelling and eating out my asshole!
I seriously don't know what to do because I've had enough of it.
I just wonder why he can't be normal. He doesn't even get turned on when I'm on top of him when we're having sex.
He basically only likes doggy style so he can see my ass or put his face in it..
It's sickening.
He never used to be like that.
Please help me, what should I do!? :[
The Answer
edit
His fetishes are NOT going to change. Period.
There is significant evidence to suggest many festishes are, or become, hard-wired neurologically. He will keeping getting turned on by your undies and shit. That will NEVER just go away.
If you are waiting for it to just go away, stop holding your breath, let him loose to find someone who can accept him, and maybe even indulge him.
Yes, he needs to learn about bounderies and empathy, but that doesn't make him a bad, bad person who needs to change.
If you can't compromise and can't acccept his fetishes the as at least bit entertaining. Your relationship is doomed. Period. You said you find this 'sickening' so I don't hold out any hope for compromise. I would find it sickening too. Which is why I wouldn't date him. It's not fair to either of you. End it before you seriously hurt one another.
/edit
If you are uncomfortable and unhappy, dump him.
But remember this: Your boyfriend doesn't have a 'fetish problem' he has a boundaries and respect problem.
His fetishes are normal. There is nothing 'wrong' with them, they might just not be for you, and that is completely okay and a valid reason to say 'Look, this relationship aint working.'
His problem is that he isn't respecting or acknowledging your discomfort. His problem is that he is trying to act on his fetishes at all times, even very wrong ones. His idea that you be game for them immediately is wrong. Ignoring that fact that you, his equal partner in this is not happy, is wrong.
So dump him, and tell him why. You donâ??t need to shame him or call him not normal, that wouldnâ??t be fair or true, but you could help him out by letting him know itâ??s not just the fetishes; itâ??s that he isnâ??t treating you right. If he doesnâ??t learn to be a bit more tactful and a bit less selfish, he isnâ??t going to manage any healthy relationships in the future either.
Lots of people have fetishes and are tactful and respect boundaries. Hell, you might even discover some weird ones buried in your brain at some point... but you don't have to compromise and neither does he.
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The Question
i've been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half. we're really in love but ever month almost he does something so selfish and stupid i don't know what to do!!! I'm tired of getting mad at him, because he doesn't mean to do stupid stuff and it just tears us apart when we fight, so i started to let alot of stuff go. but now he's blowing me off all the time and lying. when i do get mad at him he acts so cocky he doesnt even try to apologize he just says alright fine and avoids me the whole day - doesnt call or anything. then he'll text me saying "hey whats up lets hang out" im like no!!! his mom always used to tell him to ignore a girl and she'll forget she's mad because she'll be to busy trying to win his attention - but i've told him more than once games don't work with me.
he used to be the sweetest boyfriend ever, he was always there for me and always honest. he would call me just because he said he wanted to hear my voice. but now he's acting like he owns me. i know he loves me, he doesn't wantto break up and when i mention it he goes crazy. I don't want to break up but he never really listens, what should i do? how can i convince my boyfriend to stop acting like this! i love him i just want to work it out
The Answer
Looks at the facts hun: The games are working on you. You are still with him and you are still chasing him.
It is what we do, not what we mean to do that defines us as people. Sure intentions are important, but at some point you have to stand up and say 'He might want to treat me right, but he simply refuses too.'
Explain THAT to him. Sit him down when you two aren't angry and tell him this can't continue or the relationship will end, because it will. Tell him it's time to step up, or you will have to break up.
Be firm, not friendly. If he doesn't listen to that, maybe he wont even hear you when you say 'It's over.'
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The Question
Here is the problem I have known this guy most of our lives since 3rd grade now we are in our 20's. We haven't talked since we graduated in 2000 because we lost touch when he joined the Air Force but now I found him on MySpace he his married and has a daughter but here is the real problem I tried to get his cell number so I could give him a call and catch up cause he doesn't go online alot I talked with him a couple times when we were both online but I didn't get a chance to ask him for his number because we didn't talk long enough. Well anyway I asked his wife for his number and she said if he wanted you to have his number he would have given it to you. She also said that she would even give it to me if he wanted her to. But here's what bothers me we have been friends all these years and she won't help. I know he would have given me his number if he had a chance and I know for a fact that he wants to stay friends because he was looking forward to talking again. One other thing I gave him my cell number when I messaged him but his wife could of deleted it before he saw it because she messaged me once using his profile so if she went on his profile before she could do it again especially if she wants us to no longer be friends. What do you think I should do? Any advice would be really appreciated I just don't want to waste anymore time when we can be catching up.
The Answer
First off: Chill out an wait.
The more your irratate his bitchy wife, the less he going to want to risk speaking to you. So back off, wait untill he is online agian and then ask him for his phone number.
You are making his life miserable if you keep pissing this woman off.
Secondly: You don't know she deleted it. So don't accuse her to him. Don't get in the middle of thier marriage anymore. It's sounds toxic and it's none of your bussiness.
You obviously aren't going to get anywhere untill you speak to him directly, so just wait. Catching up can happen just as effectively next month as it can tommorrow.
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The Question
ok... I live with my boyfriend who I've almost been with for 2 years (I've only lived with him for like 6 months and this has panned out because of a family breakdown with my family) and we've gone through alot together. Theres an age difference I'm 17 and he's 19 but that doesn't really bother me or him.
He has always been a person who can get angry easily and his moods can change quickly. Its like he doesn't know how to control his emotions, even he says that he can't control his actions when he is angry. He knows and has accepted that he needs help and has made an appointment and everything but its not til March which is a little over a month away and he is worried about that cause he needs help quicker than that.
I get annoyed because he spends alot of time to himself and he doesn't open really talk to me alot about whats going on with him which hurts me cause I tell him everything (he knows this but says that he doesn't tell me cause he wants to tell someone that can really help) things get so heated between us that we'll sometimes get physical even though we both know its wrong.
It tears me up inside that I can see he doesn't mean to do the things he does, Its not his personality and you can just see a look in his eye. His father has bipola so I'm not sure if thats heridetary?
He asks me to give him space if he's angry but I feel as though I need to help him but when I try things just get worse and I feel inside me that I can't just walk away and leave him.
I need some ways on how to deal with it myself, so that I don't get down about it and I need some stratergies to just be able to walk away and let him cool down.
ANY HELP IS GREAT!!!
The Answer
You shouldn’t feel guilty about leaving him hun. If you are going to feel guilty feel guilty about not listening to his request and needs. Your boyfriend has told you something very personal right there: He has asked you to leave him alone when he looses control. That is a totally acceptable request and a smart move on his part. If you can respect that, he will call you if he needs you.
He has also asked, with his actions, for down-time. People who are having trouble within their own minds NEED a lot of time to themselves to recuperate and stay healthy. You need to respect that and not always be pressuring him to ‘share’ with you. He can’t share feelings that he can hardly sort out.
Take a walk, play a computer game, pick up a book, put in a movie, bake cupcakes. DO SOMETHING, it doesn’t really matter what. Just do something that will keep your hands and mind busy when he gets upset and will give him a chance to calm down.
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The Question
Okay, well im 14/f, and almost all my friends in my school have boyfriends, and i really want one. Well i like this guy named chris and i told him how i felt and he said he felt the same way, but didnt want a girlfriend. He said maybe in a month or two. Well that was 6 six weeks ago, and i feel the same way.
About a week ago one of my BEST FRIENDS asked him out and he said no, but wanted to be friends with benefits. She said yes! I found out from him the next day and at least he had the decency to tell me. I slapped him and walked away. Well he texted me and said he doesnt like her, but thought she was hot, and i was beautiful, and that she was just a fling, and he cared about me, and didnt want to have strings attached. Well he broke it off with my best friend, whos not my bff anymore, and asked me out and he said hes ready to have a gf. I went "so what makes you think i still like you?" he said "idk, but hopefully you do...i really like you."
That was last week, and i avoided him. He is so sorry, he wrote me a song! And calls me every night, and i ignore him, but i never answered, and he wrote me a love note. Obviously he cares for me, but how can i trust him? What should i do? go out with him? say no? ignore him? Am i right to be mad? I am really confused and thanks in advance, and im sorry its so long
The Answer
I'm afraid a week is not enough to prove that he cares. It really isn't. He told another girl that he just wanted her for sex. Even if he does like you more than her, you bet he still mostly wants sex.
It's amazing how, as soon as you stop liking him, he starts liking you.
You have a right to be mad. I think it would be wise to say no and ignore him.
He sounds like a horny player. You can find something better then a guy who likes you, but it willing to fool around with your bestfriend anyways.
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The Question
14/f
Me and my ex-boyfriend (let's call him C) split up about 1 and a half months ago. At the time I thought my feelings for him had gone, and also there was another guy in my life, M, who at the time I thought I preferred. Just in case this sounds like I was cheating on C, I wasn't, I just liked M. When me and C broke up M told me he liked me.
But a few weeks after me and C split up, my feelings for him grew again, and now I have a lot of feelings for him.
Apparently he's still in love with me, he writes stuff about me on his livejournal, but he hasn't written anything mentioning feelings about me for a week now, and yesterday my friend L told me her boyfriend B said C may not want to go back out with me.
Thing is, I'm sure he still has a lot of feelings for me, and I really want to know exactly how he feels about me.
He's an amazing person and he means so much to me. I really miss spending time just me and him, but we can't do that anymore. I really want us to be something, to be more than this...but I don't think I want to be in a couple. He has no clue I still like him, and the only way we can be something is if he knows, but I don't know whether to tell him or not.
I'm scared that if I tell him, I'll end up hurting him again. He's so important to me and I don't want to hurt him, he doesn't deserve that.
So basically I don't know what to do.
Do I tell him? And if so how?
Or do I not tell him but somehow make us more than friends?
Or do I just leave it?
Thanks in advance, sorry it was long, xxx
The Answer
Before you approach him, figure out what the hell it is you want.
You can only hurt him if you don't have your own wishes straight before approaching him. The last thing he needs is to be the victim of your uncertainity.
Only once you figure out what is you want, can you honestly tell him what that is and can he honestly tell you if he is up for it.
Leave it for now and just focus on being a good, respectful friend. Keep your eyes open and think long and hard about what you think the ideal situation would be for the two of you before you appraoch him.
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The Question
Im 20. My bf is 23. Weve been dating a little over 7 months. One of his good friends is a girl and I can't stand it. I hate when I call him and he's talking to heron the other line or if Im online talking to him and hes talking to her also. She not just any girl either. About two years ago he really liked her alot. And they use to be more like friends with benefits. Plus the first times they slept together she was pregnant and married!.. I just find it disgusting. My boyfriend tells me that havent done anything in like a year or 2 but I still dont like it knowing their past. He doesnt hang out with her anymore because he knows I dont like that and understands. He barely answers her texts and calls and I dont make him do this, but I am afraid that they will get together or she likes him or something. Do you think I should be worrying about them talking?
The Answer
You either need to stop your jealous and insecure behavior, or end the relationship.
Yes, they have behaved badly in the past. They made a very bad decision, but their friendship now is none of your business and you shouldn't be laying the guilt on him about it at all. He is speaking to her less and not seeing her because of your negative feelings. If that doesn�t solve this problem for you, nothing will.
If his past behavior with her causes you to have so little trust and faith in him that you feel something inappropriate will happen again you should seriously re-evaluate if you trust him enough to be with him.
When it comes to being with someone we must trust them, or realize that we can't trust them, and end it.
If you can't take a deep breath and accept his choice to maintain a friendship with this girl and trust him to behave properly you should listen to that feeling and get out of this relationship.
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The Question
My boyfriend and I have been together for seven months. This last month has been really rocky, because we've just been arguing on a daily basis.
The 23rd was his ex girlfriend's birthday and that day he kept saying, "You know I'm going to call her and wish her a happy birthday." They never talk, ever. She was so rude to me when we first started dating, she'd always message me saying stupid things, and at one point, she had his little sister completely HATING me.
So, yesterday I had brought it up and I said I knew he had called her because she had told his little sister over Myspace. He kept denying it, and then today I get on his myspace and there's a message that says, "I know it's you who called me, and I wanted to let you know it made me feel really great." I hate this girl. I really do.
I'm so pissed at him. I really feel like this is making me want to end the relationship. Am I blowing this out of porportion?
The Answer
He told you in advance he was going to call her, and then he did.
It's not as though he went behind your back or lied to you. He was upfront, he wanted to do something, he gave you fair warning, and then he did.
You are blowing this WAY out of purportion, but frankly, if you are this unhappy and insecure in your relationship, maybe you should end it.
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The Question
16/f. parents aren't divorced..
so, I'm a sophomore in school. generally, i'm a good student and i have honors/ap classes and am part of clubs and activities.
lately, my mom's been really quarrelsome. she'll panic over the tiniest things and always blame them on me.
today we had a fight. i don't know what i want to be in life yet, but i do have an idea. my mom's been PRESSURING me SO much to find out. i told her i didnt know. she started yelling at me that i'll never succeed, what kind of life am i going to live, i'm an egomaniac and a little bitch who's a coward and has no friends and that chatting on the internet is more important to me. she just EXPLODED on me. now she's not talking to me and she said "next time you need something, dont even bother coming to me. im not your mother anymore." she just randomly talks about little problems with me that have nothing to do with what we're talking about but are clearly my weaknesses.
and i told her that i have 3 years to choose what i want to be, but she began comparing me to other smart and more mature girls.
why is this? =\
The Answer
Is there another adult you can involved here? Your father, a grandparent, or an aunt or uncle who you can speak too openly?
What your mother is doing is not okay. It's violent, mean and it seems like she is very, very unhappy for some reason. Of course, you know that it isn't your fault that she is feeling this way, even if she doesn't realize it. Although it's could be seen as a bit cold of you to refuse to confide in your mother about your aspirations, her response is completely out of the ball park! Name-calling is simply not okay.
Get another adult involved, someone you can lean on and be honest with. They might be able to help your mother, or help your father to help your mother, to get some of the help she desperately needs, but if nothing else, you will get the adult persceptive on this situation that you really need and that your mother is obviously not able to provide.
As long as she chooses to ignore you, ignore her. Don't bait her by trying to 'discuss' this with her. When a conversation disolves into completely unrealistic expectations and name-calling, you have every right to end it and not to try to 'discuss' agian until everyone can be civil.
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The Question
I am applying to grad school, and have already received the necessary letters of recommendation for the programs..
I looked through one of them (from a prof. I TA'd for), and he mentioned some good things, eg., I was professional, dependable, good writer, etc.,
BUT, he also mentioned something that sounded a little lukeward to me, something along the lines of
"she was very quiet...didn't see her form much friendships., but the students always sought her out and she responded correctly."
Sounds semi-okay, but the part about me being very quiet, I don't know if that appears to be a good thing. That was his interpretation...another professor (different one) said that I had good interaction with her and the students. SO....
Do you think that I'm over-thinking it, or does that description really sound a bit on the negative side, (which could potentially put off the admissions committee)?
Please ONLY answer if you have experience and/or knowledge of university applications and admissions. Thank you!
The Answer
Yes, you are over thinking it a bit.
I agree that it is a lukewarm comment. Often a person writing a letter will try to say something a bit negative, just to appear objective. But I have to say, and I think a lot of people who read that comment would agree, that it is a bit bizarre the idea that your prof wanted you to make 'friends' with the students you TA'd for. Where I went to school that would have been seen as a breech of etiquette, it plays to your professionalism.
If this is really worrying you, which frankly I don't think it should, ask a different professor to write you a letter of recommendation.
There is no rule saying you must send in all letters that you receive. You can pick the ones you like the most.
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The Question
I kissed my best friend's crush. She doesn't know we like made out and he was in my shirt. She thinks I kissed him on the cheek whiich I do every day cus we are good friends. But I feel awful and he and I know to keep our relationship on the down low till she get over him. Am I a bad friend for not waiting? Please be honest
The Answer
No, but you are bad friend if you lie to her and 'keep it down low'. That will only make her very, very angry when she does find out, and she would be totally justified.
Lying to her is just mean and cowardly.
Tell her straight up what happened and that you are sorry, but if he likes you and you like him, there really isn't anything any of you can do about the situation.
She might still be furious with you, but if you want to be with this guy, that is the only decent way to do it. You'll just have to take that risk.
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The Question
I want to speak to my girlfriend for about 15 minutes per day. Usually i will call her fairly early on in the night about 5pm. We have been going out about 6 months now. The problems only really arise when she is busy and says she will call me back later, usually in ten minutes to half an hour. When she doesnt call me back, i call her again, she will then usually say she is busy doing something else and will once again say that she will call me back in ten minutes to half an hour. Then she doesnt call so i call again, this happens a few times in the night until i get upset she doesnt want to talk to me, and she gets angry that i am calling her so often. Then we have a massive argument where she says im too clingy and i say she doesnt really care about me. We only really get to see each other once a week because she lives quite far away. She says she loves me and i say i love her, but she never really seems to want to talk to me unless she is bored. I'm really struggling for what to do because it is upsetting me a lot but i love her and dont want to break up with her. Any help would be much appreciated. thanks.
The Answer
You are too clingy. That makes it hard for her to 'care'.
She is being rude telling you she will return your call and then not doing so.
You both need to fix that.
It needs to be okay if she doesn't have time, or desire to talk to you. That is only fair to her and to her family.
It needs to be okay for you to call her home every once and while. Two or three times a week is what I would call a healthy ammount. Calling every half hour is not right or fair to her or her family. It's just invasive and rude and it probably isn't just annoying her, but everyone in her household. So you DEFINATELY need to back off a bit.
In return for cutting down your calls to once or twice a week, she needs to promise to either speak to you, or return your call when she says she is able too. If she doesn't call you back in the alloted time she set call her back ONCE. and only ONCE. If that doesn't work, give up for the night and move on. There is nothing more pitiful then someone waiting by the phone.
Only after you two set these rules into effect will you know for sure if your behavoir was simply driving her to distraction, or if she really 'doesn't care'.
You might also ask her how she feels about the phone. Personally, I don't like talking on the phone much at all. Maybe if you e-mail her or write her letters you'll get a more positive response. Some people just aren't phone chatters.
Whatever else you do you need to chill out lover boy. There is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Give the lady some breathing room.
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The Question
So a guy in my Photo 1 class asked if I'd like to meet up for lunch. I said sure, even though I just got out of a serious, long relationship this November. I figured it couldn't hurt to get out and try to have some fun.
Anyway, the date was awful. He blew his nose at the table and later used the same napkin to wipe his mouth. He kept trying to get me drunk, saying "You can just sleep it off at my house and then drive home". On top of all of this, he was ridiculously forward and really, really lacked general intelligence. Even after I told him I was uncomfortable kissing on the first date, he still asked me at the end of the night if I was going to kiss him. It was awkward and infuriating. Unfortunately, he's all ready all but confessed that he's really into me and despite it all he's a sweet guy. Plus, I have to see him every day in class.
So, how do I let him down easy?
The Answer
"I'm not ready to date right now." is a good one, espcailly if it's true.
Although frankly, I'm all for saying "I'm just not that into you." It's honest and it kills the false hope that so many people cling too.
So unless you can completely avoid this guy socailly, I would just be honest with him (not in the 'You are a disgusting pig' way) and tell him that you just don't feel it and aren't interested in dating him at all.
It seems harsh, but in the end it saves both of you awkwardness and embrassment.
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The Question
So this is my first year of college. Just my luck, I get a roommate that has no life except her boyfriend. He stays in our room for weeks at a time and has no life himself. Mind you, it is against the rule to have boys stay the night in our dorms. I have talked to my roommate about him TWICE. I told her I didn't like that he was here so much and I thought it was fair that he only visited once a month and didn't stay on school nights.
Well we just got back from Christmas break and NOTHING has changed. It pisses me off to no end. I would love to just go tell on her, but #1 I have my boyfriend visit once a semester and I don't want to get in trouble and #2 I don't want to start shit with this girl since I'm going to be forced to live with her until May.
The other night, my roommate and her boyfriend were in the room doing god-knows-what on the top bunk and I was on my bottom bunk talking to my boyfriend on the phone. He could tell I was upset, but I couldn't straight out talk about my roommate without saying their names. So he told me to say #1 to refer to my roommate and #2 to refer to her boyfriend. So we did that. I didn't say anything obvious so that she would know we were talking about her.
Anyway, ever since then she's been really mad at me. I think somehow she knew what I was talking about. She won't even talk to me. I think she's being really immature because she invited her boyfriend up AGAIN. I'm going through a lot right now because my grandpa just had a major surgery and this is NOT something I want to deal with.
Here are my options:
1) Completely confront her and TRY to be calm. Ask her why she's upset and apologize if I have to for not going straight to her with my issues.
2) Move out and get a different roommate (which I'm trying to avoid just to spite her because I know that's what she wants)
3) Just go to my residence life director and tell her everything my roommate did and let her handle the situation.
What do I do? I'm so upset right now.
The Answer
Do Three. Period.
Stop suffering and at least START the process of having the school deal with this.
If you don't, it's not just you that you are being unfair to, it's anyone else this girl ever ends up living with.
Go to the RD, bawl your eyes out, and beg for help. You've tried to play fair, you've tried to be mature and talk it out, twice now. She's ignored you, disrespected you and now she is trying to bully you! Don't you dare go apologizing to her for talking about her to your boyfriend! You were prefectly entitled to discuss your displeasure with her while she was doing percisely what you asked her not too.
You've tried to be adult, but the mistake you are making is that adults don't do everything all by themselves. They know when to ask for help. And, with all due respect, you aren't an adult quite yet. You are in first year of college and this is what rez is for! Learning to deal with this shit and having people to help you. (It can also be a good time for bitches like her to learn not to pull this shit. Help her learn the lesson please.)
You might have to put up with not having your boyfriend stay for one night in the next four months, but that is probably worth the risk in my opinion (put him up on a friends couch or something, or rent a hotel for romantic value. You could make that work).
Once agian, from the 22 year old girl who has lived in rez, and has had dozen of roommates both in and out of rez IT'S TIME FOR OPTION NUMBER THREE!
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The Question
Riiight. This story has a lot to it. Bear with me if you can be bothered :)
So, this girl Julia was going out with a guy called Damien. Julia was cheating on him with his BROTHER for about 8 months.
Recently she found out that she was pregnant, BUT she doesn't know who's the baby is yet (she was having sex with both of them)
Now she's bout 2/4 months pregnant, she's gonna keep it. Her parents kicked her out of the house.
And this is where I come in.
She came to my door at about one AM. with her bag and said that she'd been kicked out.
She doesn't know how she's gonna manage from now- too late to get an abortion. She is considering giving the baby away- to be adopted..but I'm getting more and more involved. I had to explain to Damien that Julia had been cheating on him, with his brother. His brother knew that Julia was with Damien, but he didn't really care. Now Damien and me are getting close after spending so much time together discussing things, sorting them out.
Julia is very, very, VERY pissed off at me for talking to Damien a lot. But she said that she's worried if it's Damien's kid, he'll have to find out and he will hate that.
His brother, Tom wants to be the dad of the baby, BUT he doesn't know that Julia was sleeping with Damien. SO if it turns out to be Damien's, Tom will leave Julia.
Also, My parents hate the fact that Julia is living with us, and we have to f*cking support her financially...Well we don't but my parents are, and Julia doesn't even say a word of thanks, she just bloody complains how her room is too small, and she doesn't have enough money to buy the things she wants and so on.
Please tell me what to do, I've started to dislike Julia, I agree with my parents 100% and me and Damien kissed yesterday for the first time. I am falling for him and seriously, he's not a bad guy at all. He's very sweet but Julia didn't appreciate him enough.
Ahhh =[
Btw, these are the details:
Damien-15/m
Julia-17/f
Tom-19/m
Me-15½/f
The Answer
Shockingly, I've been in a similar situation.
Give Julia an ultimatum. With your parents help determine the last day she is allowed to stay in your home. After that, she needs to find an alternative.
I know, that sounds awful, but it will likely be the ONLY way she will mend things with her parents, crawl back to them and beg their forgiveness and indulgence the way she should have in the first place!
This is HER PARENTS job to deal with, support and to help her make decisions. Not your parents and DEFINATELY NOT YOURS. Send her packing. Send her home.
It is NOT your job, or your parents job to speak to Julia's parents. It is her job. You can offer help, but only after she has taken the first step. Tell her she must do it by the end of this month or she will have to move out immediately.
If that communication fails with her parents, set a new date by which she must contact a support facility for teen mothers and a social worker, and with input from that facility or group home and social worker, set a date by which she must be out of your home.
As for your friendship with Damien: Cool it. Not because it bugs Julia, but because it drags you into the middle of a mess you really shouldn't and don't want to be a part of. They are all too young to be dealing with this, but they don't have a choice. You do and you should try and make the right one. Take a step back from this mess.
Just tell Damien this: "Look, this is drama filled and although I really want to be your friend I need to slow things down until I've removed Julia from my life, because this could become toxic and dangerous for me if I don't. I AM going to remove her from my life, and as I soon as I do, I hope you'll let me support you as a friend the way I should."
Pass along my suggestion to your parents. They need to become extremly firm with her, and that is tough because she isn't technically thier child. What they need to do however is be the tough love in the interm and FORCE her to face her responsiblities, her arguments with her parents and to get suppport from the state. It might be a lot of work to remove her, but it's less work then it is to support her AND her child. And it wont stress them out for years. If you need more guidance in managing this, please ask a question to my inbox. I'm happy to help.
I recently had a friend and her young child come to stay with me for a 'short while' because the father had kicked them out. It dissolved into a nightmare situation, but at least it's given me some skills to deal with situations like these.
For your own sake, cut down your involvment in this. For your parents sake, encourage them to get tough with her.
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The Question
I got prescribed the combined pill Loestrin by my doctor when I was 14 to regulate my v.heavy and almost constant periods. I never used it for contraceptive reasons until I started having sex about three months ago (I'm 17.) Not only do I take my pill every day, I take it at exactly the same TIME every day, and have done this for about six months. I haven't missed a period on it since I started having sex.
However recently my stomach below my belly button is quite swollen. At first I just thought I was putting on weight but when I feel it it is all tight and hard! And if I look at myself profile in the mirror you can tell that there is a swelling beneath my belly button.
I also read on here recently that the periods on the pill are not "true periods", they are "withdrawal" bleeds. So is it possible you could get them and still be pregnant?
Is it worth getting a pregnancy test or am I being ridiculous? I have been called a bit of a hypochondriac (for other reasons) before and have a lot of difficulty stepping back from situations and seeing if I'm being sensible or not! I can't talk to anyone about this in the world except for possibly my boyfriend, but I wouldn't want to unnecessarily worry him, and for logistical reasons it would cost a lot of time, effort and money for me to get a pregnancy test done (although of course I would if it was necessary).
Could somebody please help? Thanks in advance.
The Answer
The chance of pregnancy is always there, and if nothing else you should return to your doctor and talk about your medication and your new sexual activity.
Three reasons you need to do this: One, the dosage given for menstrual control is not always the same dosage prescribed as birth control. Two, three years is a long time to be on any medication without following up on it usage. Three, every young teen who becomes sexually active SHOULD have a full gyno exam. No exceptions. That is part of being a sexually mature human being, you need to do that.
I doubt you are pregnant if this is your only symptom, but unexplained firmness where you were soft before should be examined by a doctor.
So my advice: Skip the pregnancy test, although the risk is real, there is no reason to get your panties in a bunch yet. Home tests don't tell you anything until at least a week after you've missed your period anyways. Make an appointment with your doctor or gynecologist anyways, because part of being mature enough to have sex is being mature enough to take care of your sexually mature body. If you can't manage that because of time, effort or money then you shouldn't be having sex.
On the plus side: if there is an odd firmness to your abdomen, or if your are pregnant, your gynecologist or doctor is pretty likely to notice.
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