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Why'd he choose them over me?
Razhie,
You always give great advice so hopefully you'll be able to help me.
..the story goes.. my bf (now ex) was in a left-wing political group that he was very involved in. He spent a lot of his time doing things within this political group, i.e. trying to recruit more people, going to weekly meetings, etc. They're very fanatical and I had problems with them from the start, especially when he started neglecting his studies for them. But I dealt with it. Then they started getting between us... we'd start arguing about them, and he'd yell at me all the time for voicing my opinion on them. One time I had enough when he yelled at me and told him he had to make a choice: me or them. After a few days he wrote me a note saying I had to respect his choice to be in them and he couldn't leave them. I couldn't stay with him with them driving a wedge between us so we broke up.
Many days later he called me up telling me his friend heard I wanted to hear from him (which wasn't true) We talked for a while and I agreed to make a compromise: he only had to give up his involvement for a semester. He promised he would if he could stay in for the rest of the month and if I accepted him being in it after the semester. I thought a semesters break might do him good and he'd do better at his studies.
Everything was ok for a couple of weeks, then out of the blue he declared he couldn't do it. He said he only agreed to it because he was "Desperate" to get me back. A semester without them he said would make him feel "empty" and he'd probably drop out of politics all together. Previously I had promised him if he left for a semester I'd encourage him to go back. But it wasn't enough. I asked him if I could change his mind and he said even though he loved me nothing could make him leave. He said he'd hate me for it. I asked him outright if I was worth one semester without them, and he said I wasn't and if I loved him I'd accept him being in the group. I told him I had made a compromise by saying he only had to leave a semester not forever and I would accept them if he showed some dedication to me. He refused, and dropped me off home. I told him if he changed his mind to let me know. He said the same to me. We said our goodbyes.
It's been a week now since the break-up and I'm not in a good state. I'm shattered but at the time very angry. Did I do the wrong thing by giving him that ultimatum? I honestly didn't just do it for us, but for his benefit too. I knew they were important to him but I can't understand why we weren't more important. We were together 3 months, but spent a lot of time together because we lived in the same dorm at college. I can't understand why nothing I did for him was good enough.
Sorry for this being so long and boring!
Thanks so much.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
You aren't what he really wanted.
He doesn't sound like he is what you really want either.
That isn't a 'failure' on either of your parts. That is just coming to the very adult realization that it isn't going to work and that your values and beliefs are TOO different.
It's not about not being good enough; it's about being too smart to stick around in a relationship where compromise is no longer possible. A not so smart girl would have stuck by him and said 'Oh you poor sweetheart. You are so brilliant and important it's okay if you yell at me and fail out of college. I don't care what you do! I just want to worship you.'
When you realize that something like THAT, is what would have made you 'good enough' to keep him, you can easily see why 'good enough' is not the issue. Some other woman might have fundamentally agreed with his choices, but you didn't, the only way you could have supported him in them was by denying your own reason and blindly worshiping him.
Three months is not a lifetime. Sure it's long enough to hurt like hell, but it's also long enough to take serious stock and say honestly to yourself 'Yep, we tried. Didn't work. Moving on.'
Take a deep breath, cry it out, learn what you can from it and then let it go.
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