kailey's advice column

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Q: This is very embarassing to ask, but im sure you`ve heard worse so bare with me here.
Awile ago I had sex for the first time.. and it was towards the END of my period....so there was no disgusting stuff or anything like that..
but anyways
he didnt wear a condom so i was afraid i would get pregnant.. but 4 days later i started taking the pill..(birth control not the day after pill)
which i THINK kills the sperm when you take it..
so there`s no chance i could be pregnant right?
I mean I was on my period, it was my first time, AND i started taking birth control 4 days later.

Of course there's a chance you could be pregnant. Every single time you have sex you run the risk of pregnancy, despite the fact that you're using contraception. Birth control won't kill the sperm-- it tricks your body into thinking its pregnant so it doesn't release some type of hormone that I don't know the name of. Getting pregnant can be a long process- up to 16 days- & birth control usually takes around a week to become effective - so if you weren't impregnated during those first 11 days, you should be fine.

But don't be foolish-- you CAN get pregnant on your period, and it doesn't matter that it was your first time. You cannot prevent pregnancy by jumping up and down or douching afterwards, either.

Q: could you get pregnant if the you had sex without
any protection whenever a girl is on her perid?!

Yes. ANY TIME YOU HAVE SEX YOU CAN GET PREGNANT/GET THE GIRL PREGNANT. There are certain times of the month when women are more fertile, but there's always a chance regardless. Even if the guy didn't ejaculate inside her, there's always precum. It only takes one little sperm to get pregnant.

Q: Do u think im too young for sex? I WANT TO SOOOOOO BADDDDDDDD! uhhhh..hes 17, but he promises me i wouldnt get pregnant if we used a condom in he took it out before he cummed in me..is that true?

Yes, I do. You're a child. Sex makes babies. Children should not be making babies.

Sex is overrated anyway. This isn't true for EVERYONE, but a good number of people who lost their virginity young because they thought they were ready end up regretting it years down the road & wishing they were ready. You'll never regret waiting, but there's always a good chance you'll regret doing it--especially if you end up pregnant.

There's ALWAYS a chance of pregnancy every time you engage in sexual intercourse, even if you're using a condom, birth control, & he pulls out before he ejaculates. The only SURE way to prevent pregnancy is to remain abstinent.

Could you handle a kid if you were to get pregnant? Ignore him if he says he'll be there for you & support you if it happens. Some guys are asses who just say it to get in your pants, & some genuinely mean it but end up scared when it becomes a reality. You can't count on your parents or guardians to support you, either. So think about it long & hard--if you end up pregnant, can you support a child by yourself? Could you carry it & give it up for adoption? Could you handle the emotional, physical, and psychological pain if you abort it?

Really, don't do it. There are other things you can do that are just as satisfying as intercourse. You're young. Quit trying to grow up so fast.

Q: In your opinion (meaning that if you tell me what you think you'll get a 5), do you think that people should miss out on church in order to do yardwork, study for an exam, play in a soccer tournament, etc? I just want to know what qualifies as an acceptable excuse for not going to church. What other good reasons are there for missing church? -no I'm not trying to avoid going to church-

Thanks!

I think any reason is acceptable. Is your god going to condemn you & kick you out of your religion for not attending church? You don't have to attend church services to be a good (whatever religion).

My opinion is probably biased because I'm an Atheist. I don't bash people for having their beliefs--to each his own-- but in general I'm baffled by the concept of organized religion. Whether or not you're a good (whatever) shouldn't be decided by how often you're present in church; it's your character as a whole that counts-- whether you're a good person overall, following your religion, etc. It's great if you want to congregate with others of the same religious background to celebrate your god, but it shouldn't be a requirement. Your god should love you regardless, and even admire you more for doing something like schoolwork & working to make something of yourself instead of dropping everything to worship him.

You can pray anywhere. You don't need to drop everything to run to church & pray. People say they can feel their god's presence-- why must they go to a specific place to speak to him or show him their adoration?

Q: I have a great girlfriend, one I've been going out for nearly three years now. We have never really fought or argued or been mad at each other or anything. We both have problems here and there with school and home, but small ones with each other. I do need advice on that though...See, my teacher once told me two years ago that most if not all guys will hear a girl tell her problem and then go to try and solve it, when really the girl just wanted him to listen and hear her out. Is that true? Sometimes I find myself doing that, even after thinking about what my teacher said. So my question is...does being a listener and just talking about a problem count just as much as trying to come up with a solution. For these kinds of problems I mean things like: yeah my friends did this to me; I'm not sure what to do about this sport; I feel a certain way when ___; etc. It does seem that half the time she tells me something, I right away try to come up with a solution or tell her what to do about it. It usually ends up falling right back in my face, or making her feel upset. Would you (girls) appreciate it more if the guy that was there...helped out with a solution, just listened to you about it and talked to you about it, or a little of each. Thanks, I would really appreciate it.

A little of both is best in my opinion. It depends on the problem. If she's having problems with friends or something, she may just want to rant as opposed to hunt for a solution. Sometimes a listener is really all we want, someone to hold us & kiss us & tell us it's going to be okay. Other times we do want a solution, so a mixture of both is your best bet.

Q: I've always been the type to worry about STDs but I went a little far with my boyfriend and we have preformed oral on each other. Even though I might have the chance of already having caught something is it ok for me to ask him to be tested? Where might he get tested?

Of course it's okay, but offer to go with him and get tested yourself too. It's only fair. You can get tested, free & confidential, at Planned Parenthood.

Q: I really want a boyfriend. I've had one before but he was unreliable and I'd like someone better. With Valintine's (sp?) Day coming up I really want this to be my chance. Well there are two guys I like and I'm going to use letters so if you don't like it don't answer it.

Let's begin with A. A is hot and popular. Really popular. Yet, he's different from all the other popular guys. He's sweet and funny. We always talk in language class and he writes these beautiful poems. The only thing is he never notices me outside of language.

Now it's J. J is hot but unpopular. He's funny and awesome. We don't talk much but sometimes exchange a few words online. In gym he constantly stares at me though.

So my question is which guy should I go for? Which do you think is more worth it? Should I forget about both of them?

This isn't something you want to hear, so if you're only looking for happy, positive advice, I suggest you stop reading now.

Your reasons for wanting a boyfriend are stupid. Yeah, it sucks being alone on V-day, but it's incredibly stupid to go looking for a boyfriend for that purpose. Any relationship that begins because you want a boyfriend is doomed to failure and quite frankly a waste of your time. You should want a boyfriend because you like a certain guy, not just for the sake of saying "I have a boyfriend!" Until you're comfortable alone, you're never going to be happy in a relationship & in seeking relationships regardless, you're subjecting yourself to unnecessary misery.

As for who you decide you like more, you need to screw the whole "he's popular, he's not" thing. That's amazingly shallow. Like a guy for who he is, not his status in high school. If it didn't matter to you, you wouldn't have said it. Reevaluate your priorities before you go searching for a boyfriend.

Q: I've almost been with my gf for 1 year and was wondering what i should do for our 1 year aniversary... thanks

In my humble opinion, simplicity is best. For our one year, my boyfriend took me to all the places that were significant in our relationship, like where he first realized he liked me, when he first fell in love with me, our first kiss, etc. Then we went back to his place & he had cooked me dinner & had candles & roses & such & it was just adorable.

Basically, there's no need to spend a ton of money. Cute little romantic gestures are more than enough.

Q: its gotten tot he point where I feel so low about myself I could crawl into my bed and never come out. I want to be with someone that makes me feel special.. Why cant i find that guy?

Ive never had a bf treat me good and for a long time now i havent had a bf.

Im a normal girl and I know im not realllly ugly.. I actualy sometimes think im pretty..

I have talents and yes I have flaws. But i think id be a really good girlfriend.

what can I do?

Stop looking for him. The perfect guy for you isn't someone you hunt for. He'll come your way eventually, and there's nothing you can do to speed up the process. You have to learn to love yourself as an individual first before you can have a successful relationship. The "I have talents & I have flaws" thing was good, but "I think I'd be a really good girlfriend" is not. Don't mope around because you don't have a boyfriend. Don't worry about finding a boyfriend because you'd be a good girlfriend. Wait for the right guy, or go out & find him by meeting people, but don't try to force anything.

Q: I love reading romantic books. Like teen ones, that are simple but really cute. I just read guitar highway rose, and i loved it. DOes anyone know any books like that? That are romantic but easy to understand?
thanks

Nicholas Sparks is simply amazing. I just finished reading At First Sight & it was just..wow.

Jodi Picoult is excellent as well. I've only read two books by her, and neither fall into the catergory of a traditional love story, but the romances involved are awesome.

Q: I'm a guy, and junior in high school. I am constantly worried about everything in my life. For instance what I'm going to wear, is my dad mad at me, am I depressed, what my grades are, is my mom alive, just everything like that, even if my friends are mad at me. I worry about everything it drives me nuts all of the time. And when I'm worried about that I can't concentrate on the important things like grades, am I doing the right thing in life, and just crap like that. I told my mom I worry too much and I even worry about her grown up things like who is going to buy my car does she have enough money in the bank. I need some help hear what do I do?

For the most part, your worries sound like typical teenage problems. I think we've all worried about all of those things at one point or another, some more often than others. The only thing that strikes me as particularly odd is worrying constantly if your mother is alive or not. Is it possible that you have OCD? (Please note that I'm not trying to diagnose your or anything, it's just always a possibility). I wouldn't say that counseling is the ONLY solution, but give it a try if you think it would help. It can't do you any harm, but in all honesty it sounds like you just need a friend to vent to. Find a friend you can trust with your constant worries; he or she may be of more help than a counselor could be simply because s/he is able to empathize. Or maybe even find a complete stranger to vent to; in my experience that's a hell of a lot easier & more comfortable. If you'd ever like a stranger to vent to, I'm here. My email address is listed on my column.

Q: are there significant meanings in the way a guys honds your hands.. like if he always wants to have interlacing fingers ...doesn that mean something ?

and is there amy sites that cant tell you the meanings of this stuff...like he always kisses my neck..what does that mean ?

thanks !!

by the way im 16 female
thanks
ill rate for good answers!

There are sites that tell you things like that, but really, it's just a bunch of crap. Sites like those will tell you "a kiss on the neck = I want to have your babies!" He likes you. He likes to hold your hand, and he likes to kiss your neck. It's as simple as that.

Q: do girls call their boyfriends baby or is that just something guys call the girl.?

They can if they want. It works both ways. I call my boyfriend baby, sweetie, honey, sweetheart, lovey, babe, & a variety of other dorky little nicknames. He uses the same for me. They're pretty much unisex.

Q: First off, im sorry this is so long i really need advice thou, and i rate high

My boyfriend and I have been together a LONG time and i love him so much. but sometimes he can be a pain. His best friend (whos a girl) and him are really close. He talks about her all the time, and whenever i ask him questions about if he had to be with someone else who he would be with he says her. They've liked eachother before and they flirt like crazy! They say they dont love eachother but i cant help but worry. also their planning on going to the same college, and my boyfriend and i are really serious and plan to stay together throw college even though we will be attending diffrent schools. and we know we will have breaks but he says he knows he will probably have feelings for her at one time. I broke up with him at one point but i realized how much i love him and shouldnt worry. When i try to talk to him he gets really angry and i dont know what to do. thank you soo much!

My initial advice to you changed once I read that "he knows he will probably have feelings for her at one time". I'll still give you that, then update it concerning that line.

Don't be jealous of his friends. Would you be jealous of their closeness if his best friend was a girl? I seriously doubt that. Of course it's human nature to get jealous sometimes, but as long as you trust him, don't worry about it. What you perceive as flirting really could just be friendly behavior; despite the fact that they liked each other at one point, the past is the past. Leave it there. It's understandable that he gets angry about it, I've experienced firsthand how frustrating it is when someone misinterprets your relationship with another person.

As for the feelings thing..THAT you need to talk about. One one hand, at least he was being honest, but on the other..I don't know what to tell you. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'd be willing.

Q: I have a simple question that could have a lot of answers. What is a girl's favorite scent on a guy? Specifically, please.

Adidas cologne. Just the smell alone practically leads girls to orgasm =P

Q: I am a male, 15, and lately I've been wondering about something. There are many girls in our school and grade. I am a gentleman and open doors, get chairs, etc. for the girls. It is pretty much the same way with my friends, we are all like that. But the girls in our school keep saying they like "skaters" or "skaters are soo hot" and we really are wondering what is wrong with us. Not to boast, but all of us are good looking. The girls just keep talking about "skaters." So why is it like this, and do girls not like gentlemen or something?

Some girls don't. Some girls prefer the bad boy. Some girls prefer the gentlemen. Some girls prefer the gentlemen, but seem to enjoy getting their hearts stomped on by the bad boys.

Don't change to get girls, please. In the long run, the nice guy always wins. Not that skaters can't be nice guys..but you get the point. In the end, nearly every girl enjoys being treated like a princess. It's just that at this age, we tend to be foolish & are more attracted to the asshole than the good guy, don't ask me why.

Q: well ok i am going out with someone and we where thinking of having sex. but i am so scared. he has no dieses or anything like that since we are both virgins. but i was scared about using a tampon what if it breakes or something and when are you supposed to have sex is;'nt it like 2 weeks before your period? i want to but i am just so worried bout getting pregent.
.... oh and do you have to use a douche afterwoods??

Virgins can have STDs too. You can contract them from oral sex as well.

You can get pregnant at ANY time, unless you're infertile, you've had your tubes tied, or he's had a vasectomy, all of which I doubt. It's quite possible that the condom could break & you could end up pregnant. Your best bet is to remain abstinent until you can handle the possibility of getting pregnant. Can you handle a baby right now? The only person you can rely on if you end up pregnant is yourself. Don't be certain that if you end up pregnant, he'll stick around because he promised to or your parents will help you out. If you don't have the emotional and financial capabilities to raise a child on your own, I'd hold off on sex for now. Could you handle the physical and emotional pain of an abortion? Again, another reason to hold off on sex.

If you absolutely insist on having sex, your best bet is to be on birth control (patch, pill, shot..), have him use a condom, have him pull out before he ejaculates (just in case the condom breaks, better safe than sorry), & do it a few days after your period. If the condom does break, look into the Morning After pill, although that wreaks havoc on your insides so don't use it every time you have sex. The Pill works 72 hours after intercourse.

Q: i'm 15 years old & i haven't gotten my period for about two months. i've been having it since september 2004 & it's been sort of normal for about 8 months. i'm a virgin & i know this is going to sound extrememly juvenile but is there some way that i could be pregnant without having sex? as i said, i don't mean to sound juvenile but i've heard people say things like, "it's in the water" & is it actually possible? i'm just really nervous, & i'm racking my brain for an answer. could it just be that my period isn't on time? i haven't really been eating any differently. please don't treat me like an idiot, i'm just scared.

Don't worry about it. Many things can contribute to your period not being on time-- stress, if your weight is fluctuating, etc. You CAN be pregnant without having sex (say, if the guy has ejaculated & got it on his hand then fingered you), but if you've only masturbated, you're fine (unless you have magical sperm-producing fingers, in which case I suggest you sell yourself to science ASAP). There's no reason to buy a pregnancy test.

Q: Ok here we go. Ok im 16 and ive made a commitment to myself that i would never have sex until i am married. Im not saying now but in the future..can i still do stuff that wouldnt be considered having sex. and is that all guys want...i mean i had a bf for 2 and 1/2 weeks (not long) and he told his friends that he was going to have sex soon. I dont know y he thought that b/c i was uncomfortable even kissing him..(he was 2 yrs older) and im just worried that in the future ill find this amazing guy and all he'll want is sex and i wont give it to him (unless we get married) is that so hard for guys to handle...will he end up cheating on me and have sex w/ someone who will give it to him? so is there pleasureable stuff that we can still do ...thats not sex?

You've made that commitment to yourself; it's up to you to decide what's "allowed" & what isn't. You can always do other things without having intercourse as long as you feel comfortable & like you're staying true to your promise.

But just because there are things other than sex doesn't mean that you have to rush into them. Unfortunately, yes, some guys will cheat or break up with you (girls too, this works both ways-I'm not being sexist) if you won't have sex/fool around with them. But once you find a guy who loves you for you, he won't do that. Sex or sexual things can bring you two closer together, but they can't be the focus of the relationship. After 2 1/2 weeks, you've had zero time to even lay the foundation for a good relationship. If this guy is looking for sex already, it's rather obvious that he doesn't love you for you. Don't fool around with him to make him stay with you. Any guy worthy of your time is going to stick around because he loves you, not your vagina.

Q: okay... so me and my boyfriend were dating for two years we had a GREAT relationship we were best friends, and loved eachother very very much!but the last month or two of our relationship he was starting to feel like "distant" from me and so of course i asked him about it and he always said nothing or i dont kno.. and i didnt want to annoy him about it so i let it go, but then he told me that he thinks he needs a break not just for him but for me too! and that last 3 days and i cried the whole time and he told me taht it was too hard and it wasnt worth it and that he loved me so much.. and so everything was better. then we go out of town for a week and i felt once again "distant" from himyet AGAIN! and the next day that we got home i talked to him about it and i didnt kno that that was going to be the end.. but he just said that alot of things are going on rite now and he wanted a break.. just a break!! and then i saw messages on the famous myspace from him and some girl and they started before we even broke up... and i got upset.. and then i just assumed that they mite like eachother...and i got over it.. whatever! but then i found out that he had been lieing to me.. he took her to the movies before and to parties and stuff..and i kno that we werent going out but we were still GREAT friends and we still told eachother that we loved eachother.. and regretfully we ahd sex, so of course this hurt me... and when i confronted him he said that he didnt kno what to say and tahts why he lied about everything... and trust me this is not the guy that i kno... he has NEVER lied to me. but then this so called break turned into a thing where he wanted to live his life.. and he still loves me but he is a senior and he has never been with another girl.. (i was his first EVERYTHING) and stuff.. and that of course jsut hurt me so bad... and now we are friends but he goes over to that girls house, and he tells me and even she told me taht they dont like eachother like that.. but they hang out by themselvs all the time! and i hate it.. and i kno that i shouldnt.. but i do. and he tells me that he loves me.. and he even cries whenever we talk about us.. bc he says taht he scared bc he mite be messing up the greatest thing that he has ever had.. and when i ask then why are you doing it.. he says he has to find out... =/ and i dont kno what to do.. we still hang out and stuff.. but it hurts me.. and i dont want to care but i do.. and i just want to be with him again... and i kno that is selfsih of me.. but i just cant help it.. we were soo happy....=( so can someone please give me some kind of advice.. i dont really kno what im asking for exactly.. just help!

Try dating other guys. Nothing serious, nothing to make him jealous, just to see what's out there. That's the problem with high school relationships- people can fall in love, but sometimes they can't help feeling like they're missing out on the fun part of being young- dating around, not having to be serious, etc.

Don't doubt for a second that he loves you. He's just confused, and as much as he's hurting the both of you, sometimes you have to experience things with other people to realize how much you don't want to be with them. This is so corny, but think of Cory & Topanga from Boy Meets World. They had to break up, kiss other people..& realize that there was NOTHING that could top what they had. It's just like your situation.

It's nice for you to be understanding, but you're not expected to be a saint, either. Don't let this go on too long-- if it takes him that long to realize that you're the only one he wants to be with, maybe it's best to move on. After a while, I'd suggest having a talk with him & laying all your feelings out on the table. Situations like these can make or break the relationship. I wish you the best of luck & I hope he realizes that you're the only one for him!

bio

My name is Kailey. I'm 17 years old & a senior at a high school in Massachusetts. I'm told that I'm mature for my age, but I'll let you be the judge of that. I love giving advice, but I'll tell you the way I see it, so you may not always like my answers. I especially like giving relationship advice. I don't claim to have all the answers, but I've been in a relationship for almost 2 years now and I feel as though I can give good advice on the subject.