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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
I'm a middle school girl, and I "suffer" from severe anorexia. I personally don't believe that it is an incredibly big deal, however there is one other problem. I can't lose weight. No matter what I do, nothing happens.Everyday, I record my weight, width of my waist, and what I ate that day. At the very most, I eat 750 calories a day. I do a hundred-cal workout however many times is necassary to work off the calories, plus 400 crunches. I eat organic cereal with milk for breakfast, resulting in 260 calories. For lunch, I have a 50 calorie container of applesauce, if anything. Then for supper I eat the smallest portion of whatever my mom cooks that I can get away with. Finally, I workout, doing the hundred-cal 3 times for lunch and breakfast, plus another 5 times for supper (I just estimate 500cal for supper cause I don't know how much it really is).
Despite all of this, I still don't lose weight. I fluctuate from 108.5Lb to 106, and from a 26.5in waist to 29. Im so tired of doing all of this, but I have to until I'm skinny. Anyone have an explanation? (Or at least some sort of appetite suppressant ideas)
If it helps, I'm a 5'2 female and 13 years old.
The Answer
You can't lose weight because you have no more 'weight' to lose. At this point, you are asking your body to consume your muscle mass, and probably beginning to damage your internal organs.
The next stage from where you are at isn't more weight loss—it's starvation. Along with fainting, vomiting and internal organ trouble that starvation causes.
I know this isn't what you want to hear, but the fact you feel you MUST lose more weight is the illness talking. At some point, weight loss is just muscle and organ loss. That's where you are getting too. Once that begins to happen, things can get dangerous fast, and the damage can be permanent.
Please, just keep getting treatment for your eating disorder. That is the problem here. Not your waist.
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The Question
Hello im 14 and my boobs are sagging but they also have stretch marks witch gives me low self-esteem please help what do i do ????????
The Answer
Stretch marks are entirely normal part of development. If your body is still growing, it's totally normal to see some stretch marks. They will likely fade in time.
If you aren't happy with the way your breasts look under your clothes, go to a dedicated bra store and get a bra fitting. Boobs come in all shapes and sizes... yours are probably perfectly healthy and 100% normal, but a good bra can make you feel more confident and most women end up wearing bras that are the wrong size for their bodies.
Please don't compare your body to people you see on TV or in commercials (or even worse, porn). Models and performers tend to represent a very narrow kind of body and breast. Yours are 100% fine and nearly anyone you decide to show em too will be (and should be) thrilled.
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The Question
I am 24 and work with a hot, hot, hot 41 year old woman. We started a friend with bennies relationship about 5 months ago. We have sex once a week to every other week. She was 2 kids that are in high school. Went we have sex it's mostly at her apartment when her kids are at work or staying the night at their friends house. We have mostly use condoms but their has been one or two times that she says its the safe time of the months and if I can pull out we don't have to use them. A few encounters ago we did not have any condoms so she said to me " that's ok, we can go with out them". I asked he if it was a safe time and she replied " no". I asked her if we would be safe still if I pulled out. She said that I did not have to pull out if I didn't want to. I asked her "what if you get knocked up" She replied " I will have a baby". I was kinda set back but I got turned on right away. The thought of me getting her pregnant was very erotic to me. I asked he if she wanted me to get her pregnant and she said " kinda, but it's not up to me baby. It's up to the man. I was ok with you knocking me up the first time we made love". So we have now had sex five times without birthcontrol and I do not know if I have gotten her pregnant but the more I think about it, I am starting to get cool feet about her having my baby
The Answer
You are starting to get cold feet!? Only just now?
This is INSANE. Stop thinking about what turns you on and start thinking about the next few decades of your life.
This relationship could ruin you. Professionally, romantically, socially... You're done. If this woman wants a sperm donor, she should visit a sperm bank, not entrap a 24-year-old co-worker.
For God's sake run away from this crazy!
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The Question
I am 16 and I have had my license for about two months now. However, I have not been able to once drive myself around somewhere because I don't have a car. There are cars available, but my parents don't allow me to drive them because I'm not registered to them or something? It has to do with insurance, I'm not sure with the specifics. Anyway, there is a BMW in the garage that is supposed to go to me, but it doesn't pass smog bc there is a part that needs to be replaced. However, this part costs like $2700 and my dad doesn't have the money to just pay all of that up front. Along with that, all of the tires need to be replaced, and a lot of other things. With that really expensive part, not every mechanic can fix it, but my dad heard about this mechanic from his uncle who can most likely fix it. So, in about 2 weeks, he's going to hear back from my uncle if the mechanic is really worth it, and then he's going to fix the car. Basically, fixing this car is a work in progress and it's going to take a couple months, most likely until November. However, it's August right now, and I just started school, so The people taking me to school everyday are my aunt and my grandpa. This whole summer, I had no idea about the situation of the car and what was really wrong with it. Every time I asked my dad about the car, he would just say that I have to finish some project for him (not going into that) and then I would get the car. However, the project was not working at all bc my dad was really hard to work with and it would have taken too long, so I told my mom that I don't want to do this project anymore and I just want the car fixed so I can take myself to school & get to places for the extracurricular activities I'm involved in without having to ask for a fucking ride EVERY SINGLE TIME. I have missed out on so many important things just because I didn't have a ride. So when I talked to my mom, I told her to tell my dad (because he gets all pissy when I ask him about it) if he can just fix the car and give it to me. I already have a 4.2 GPA, I have a really high position in the biggest club of the school, etc, I have a lot of achievements that I've done all for my parents so that they can reward me with things (like a car in this case) when I need them. My mom talked to my dad and he explained this whole car situation to her. However, the thing is that I HAD NO IDEA WHY THE CAR COULD NOT BE FIXED BECAUSE HE NEVER TOOK THE TIME TO TELL ME. The only reason I thought he wouldn't fix it was because I wouldn't finish the project, once I finished the project, the car would take about a month to be fixed and then I could start driving it. That's WHAT I THOUGHT BECAUSE THATS WHAT HE TOLD ME, I never once knew that the reason why the car wasn't able to be fixed was bc of a much more complex problem that takes a lot of time and energy to fix. Today I talked to him about it and he finally explained to me, after months of me stressing out and thinking he wouldn't give the car to me because he wanted me to work for it. Left and right everyday I would see kids in my grade getting new cars when they fail every since class of theirs and are horrible kids when I'm over here being such a great daughter, listening to my parents, doing really good in school and outside of school. It really angered me. Then, today, after he explained the situation of the car to me, he got mad and told me that I'm an idiot who just wants things right there right then. Well, of course I would want it "right there right then" if u made the car seem like it just needed a small little fix? I kept telling him that he never told me the actual situation of the car, so how was I supposed to go about it the right way? But he didn't understand. He kept calling me a moron and stupid because I keep wanting the car immediately when it's a huge work in progress, but I didn't even know because he never took the time to tell me!!!!!! Once he told me I understood completely, but he kept insulting me afterwards and so I blew up because he MADE me look like an idiot, but he couldn't handle it so he yelled really loud. Like , really loud. So I just walked away. I don't know if this made sense but who do u think is right in this case?
The Answer
Your father was wrong not to be clear with you about the car's problems and the process and cost.
However, you're also in the wrong, because a car isn't a thing you get for being an awesome daughter or having good grades. If your parents don't have the money, then you don't get a car. You were impatient and disrespectful. That doesn't excuse your father's mistakes, but you can't pretend to be completely innocent here. There were lots of chances for you to behave better, even without knowing the entire situation about the car, and you got worked up, jealous, and indignant over a gift.
You've also failed to understand the fact you cannot drive a car if you are not insured to drive that car—it could put you and your parents in a whole heap of legal trouble and send their insurance costs skyrocketing for the rest of their lives.
It's time to stop flipping out that your gift—a car—isn't ready yet. It's a very generous gift. Instead, you should do some research about adding yourself to the insurance on one of the other cars, and look at your own bank account or ability to make money to assist with any costs. If you are in rush, it's going to take money and insurance legwork. If you aren't in a position to help your parents with either of those things, then you need to be patient.
You're demanding your parents take on a large cost, and you are being impatient. There is more to having a car than just getting your licence and good grades. You keep thinking this is about 'deserving it', when there are actually other factors here. Many very good young people never get a car, because neither they or their parents can afford it.
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The Question
My birthday is coming up in 2 weeks, and for the past week or so, I've been saying I want to try a candy called Mike and Ike (They don't sell them in the UK so online shopping is the only way to get them). However the last time I asked for them, my parents said that I can only have them if I get a haircut. My hair is quite long for a male, but not that long since it's not in my eyes or anything. However, I'm quite happy with the way my hair is, and they say it looks scruffy but I don't understand how, I think it looks fine. My friends say it looks fine. My cousins say it looks fine. So it's just my parents who don't like it. But what I want to know is why can't I have control over my own hair? I've had hair quite short before but I didn't like it, but they don't want long hair because they think it gives the family a "bad image". Where I live, my hair is sort of iconic, my friends have said that it wouldn't be like seeing the same person if I had short hair and that they like how it is, but my parents say that they're in charge of me. They can't make me get a haircut, because it's MY hair on MY body. I don't care if they don't like my hair, if it makes me happy then that's what matters. For example , my dad has big ears, I don't tell him he needs to have surgery to make them smaller! My parents are so annoying. I've been wanting to try Mike and Ike for a long time.
What should I do?
The Answer
Welp. You are right your parents can't physically force you to cut your hair.
However, they absolutely can refuse to buy you candy if you don't cut your hair. That isn't a criminal abuse of power. That's just parents not buying their kid candy. Parents do that sort of thing all the time ("We won't have pizza unless you clean up your room." or "We won't buy you that brand name purse unless you get an A in math.") You can argue it's not great parenting, but it's totally legal and very common.
And haircuts are not a parallel to surgery. If you don't want to cut your hair, just don't. Your parents won't take you any more seriously if you turn this into an irrational rage moment. Telling someone you'd like them to cut their hair is completely different than telling someone you'd like them to pay a doctor to cut up their skin.
If you are happy with your hair, you need to find someone else who'll help you get your hands on Mike and Ike. It's that simple.
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The Question
I have a friend I've known for years, recently he came to me saying he had depression. I've been helping him through it but now he's saying he has anxiety - I have anxiety so I've caught him out in a few lies about anxiety because I know a hell of a lot about it myself. Some of the things he says doesn't add up, and he comes to me all the time saying ''I'm going to kill myself on this day'' and I know people with an actual intention of committing suicide don't tell people. I want to be there for him, but with the lies and the constant empty threats of suicide I don't know what to believe. Nothing adds up, he always says he feels like shit but then he's laughing and smiling, if I say I have a problem he says he has it too, he always turns it over to him - for example, I told him the other day I was feeling anxious and he said ''Me too.'' and suddenly started breathing irregularly even though a minute ago he was fine, he told me he's been told by his therapist that he may have bipolar, alchzhimer's and all kinds of crazy diseases that are impossible for him to have at his age, and very unlikely for him to have all of them (he named about 6). He says he wants someone to listen to him and to help him but he always comes to me for advice, it's like he comes to me because I'm the only option and he has nobody else. I don't know what to do. I don't need this kind of negativity in my life but I don't want to abandon him if he really is going through stuff. Is he attention seeking or is he genuinely having problems?
The Answer
He's probably seeking attention AND genuinely having problems, even if they aren't all the problems he's naming.
None of which means you can't put up healthy boundaries. Let him know that although you care for him, you've been dealing with your own stuff long enough to know that you have to take care of yourself first. If he needs more support, then he needs more professional support. It's not fair to expect you to take on that burden.
Don't worry about catching him in lies. That's not going to be healthy or helpful for either of you. Just speak up for what you need. If you need some space, then tell him that.
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The Question
Why does my mom refuse to go vegan, while repeatedly insinuating that I have an eating disorder because I eat a lot of fruits and veggies?
She's obese and trying to lose weight. I was obese 1 year ago, before I went vegan. Now, for the first time in my life since age 11 or 12, I'm finally a normal weight once more. My mom used to tell me to eat more veggies and now she'll talk to me about orthorexia or say to me in front of others that veganism is like bulimia (i'm not sure she even knows what bulimia is) when I say I love whole, REAL foods now. i used to be addicted to so much junk food in the past. my health was a mess. i had signs of diabetes and atherosclerosis as a teenager. now my blood test results are great. i don't get why my mom tries to negate this and is so opposed to go vegan to help her own health. she thinks it would be crazy to live without chicken or fish. that's what i thought before i tried out veganism and found it was a lot easier than it seemed, especially when you learn how unhealthy and bad for the environment animal agriculture is. it's just frustrating, and yes she can do whatever in her life, but she wants good health without doing what's required to get there, despite seeing proof in front of her eyes of the power of vegan nutrition
The Answer
It's great that your mom wants to lose weight, she is not required to do the way you did. There are many other ways.
You need to give your mother a bit more respect—even if she's frustrating you right now.
Like you said: She knows the vegan diet worked for you in terms of weight loss. She can see that. If she doesn't want to do that, that's the end of discussion. You know it's her life and her body, take a deep breath and let your actions reflect that knowledge.
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The Question
Hello, I currently have two jobs, I love my first job, but wanted something to supplement my off hours and weekends so I got a second job at a clothing store.
Well when I first got the job I was psyched because it's at one of my favorite stores, but the farther I got into the hiring process the worse off things looked. They were only going to pay me minimum wage (I have past experience in retail and management) and start me with 4 hours a week, that isn't even worth my time. Then I found out they had filled a supervisor position so there's no chance of me moving up anytime soon. On top of that they said if I ever missed a shift or came in more than 5 minutes late they would immediately fire me. This is an issue because I already have one other job and a full class schedule so if they put me on for hours I can't do then I'm not going to miss class or my permanent job for this one.
I know that it would seem like they wouldn't put me on for hours that I can't be scheduled for, but I already gave my boss my schedule and right away she wanted me to miss an hour at my first job to come in to the other job and told me if I don't then I can't work there, so obviously she doesn't respect my schedule.
Anyways, I went through the hiring process and was told that the store had an issue with registers being short so everybody would be patted down and have their purses and belongings checked to make sure we weren't stealing. This seems like an invasion of privacy to me. I shrugged it off and acted like everything was great and I couldn't wait to officially start, however she then told me she didn't have any hours available for me for two weeks. This also seemed kind of rude to me. Why would you hire somebody and then tell them they won't even start for half a month and that when they do, you're only going to give them 4 hours? What's the point of even working there then? I'd only be making $32 a week minus tax...
After thinking about it for the week, I'm considering just going in to use my employee discount and then turning down the job position. I'm supposed to have another interview shortly for elsewhere and if they offer me that position I will take it.
My only question is are there any possible consequences to this other than burning a bridge? This isn't considering any kind of stealing right? The employee discount is 40% off.
The Answer
Nope. Just Bridge burning.
Do yourself a favour tho, wait until you have the other offer, and then honestly tell this awful store that "You've found something that will fit your schedule better."
They don't seem all that invested in you anyways, but if you can honestly say that you found a better job, that'll minimise the bridge burning.
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The Question
I've already been to the doctor, and I will describe what happened here, in the question. But, I'm really trying to get an opinion from someone else that perhaps, has gone through what I've gone through.
PROBLEM #1: I'm 25/f and I'm just extremely tired. I wake up more tired than when I went to sleep. When I wake up, all I can think about is how much longer until I can go back to sleep. I just feel genuinely exhausted. I'm always being urged to go on vacations, but I don't seem to be interested in them. When I think of having a three day weekend, the last thing I wanna do is go on vacation. I just want to catch up on sleep and maybe some television. I have my bachelor's in education and I worked as an assistant teacher for some time. But, I had horrible experiences. I did it three years. The first year, it was terrible because I was still in school and I had another part time job. I would work from 8:30-3:30, then go to my other job from 4-8pm. Then, I would typically have class from 8:30-10:00 at night. I would get home by 10:30 and if I was lucky, I'd be asleep by 11, and do it all over again the next day. It was horrible. Keep in mind, too, that school requires work outside of class. So, it's not like I had the weekends to relax. It was just go go go. I became so anxious that I had to start taking medication to relax. I thought that I was having a heart attack one day, unable to breathe, but it was really just anxiety. So, I took that for a little while, and eventually, I felt better, my schedule leveled out, and I was able to come off of it. But, I enjoyed my job and my kids so much. Had it not been for everything else, I probably would have loved it more. The second time, I was working in after care, and it was completely different. There were no lessons and it was super boring. All I did was basically watch children play. No challenge, no stimulation. Then, the third time, I just got stuck with a horrible teacher. I guess I wasn't the only one because I heard from an old friend of her's that all her assistant's quit. That she was impossible to work with. That was the straw that led me to leave teaching. I quickly enrolled in a higher education master's program and started working in a university office. I've been working there for 9 months now. Honestly, though, this is not what I love to do. In addition, having a year round 8-5 schedule is not something I was use to. My goal now, is to get back into teaching and eventually, become a guidance counselor. But, I lack the confidence. And it's not because I don't have the credentials. I do. I just really lack confidence in so many areas of my life.
PROBLEM #2: I recently moved into my own house. I was very excited about this. My mom is single and lives with my grandparents. My uncle recently divorced his wife, and he and his daughter (my cousin) are living with my grandparents. My mom was given her own efficiency room (which I had been asking for since the time I was 19), and she refuses to stay there as a way to protest my uncle's staying there. She cries every day saying she wants to go home and wants her room back. But, she decided it would be more appropriate to stay with me. She now refuses to stay in the guest room. She sleeps in my bed. I have an efficiency in my home, which I rent out to tenants. So, I only have one bathroom right now, on my side of the house. She's made a complete mess. I never had my own room growing up. All I was excited about was getting my own room, then I got my own house, and she took over my room. I don't think I should have to move into my grandparent's efficiency and give my mom MY HOUSE just because she decided. I should be able to stay in MY HOUSE. She's the one that needs to go home.
PROBLEM #3: my mom controls my relationships like you wouldn't imagine. There's one I've had to keep a secret from her because she's threatened my safety. I have felt suicidal about this and couldn't shake the thought of escaping the prison she's put me in. I would never follow through with this. But, it's not an easy thing to live with. Ideally, I just want to leave this city. But, eventually, I will have to face her if I decide to continue this relationship. But, the fear eats me up alive every day.
All of these problems, I believe, are leading me to feel depressed. But, if they disappeared... if I suddenly felt more confident and happy in my career, if I was able to feel rested after a night' sleep, if I had my own bedroom, if my mom wasn't involved in my relationships, if I could date whoever I wanted at 25, if I could go out without my mom calling me 24/7 about when I was coming home... I think I would be happy. I look at people's pictures on Facebook and there's these 2 girls in particular that I know who are SO cheerful! I'm sure they have problems and I'm not naive enough to think they've got it all together. But, their cheerful. I can't even be cheerful. I'm constantly worried, afraid of my mom, and tired. My uncle took over her home and now she took over mine. I would leave the city sooner, but I'm still finishing my master's program.
So, do you think I'm depressed? That I actually need medication... or that these are circumstances causing me to feel this way? They will always try to get you to be on meds for "a little while" but, why should I have to put unwanted hormones into my body just because my aunt decided to leave my uncle? Because my mom decided to take over my house? It's just not fair. Why do I have to be medicated because of irresponsible people taking advantage of me? Taking pills isn't going to change the problem with my mom and the dating thing. It's not gonna take my mom out of the house. My mom watches TV in my room till 11 or 12. i have to be up by 6. So, yes, I'm tired! Why should i have to take pills because my mom won't let me sleep at 9:30/10:00? Or do you think this is deeper... and I need pills?
Thanks in advance
The Answer
Depression can be a reasonable reaction to difficult situations, but that doesn't mean you can't benefit from medication as well. The fact that situations are contributing to your feelings of depression, doesn't make your depression or anxiety any less real.
You need to sleep. You are going to continue to get worse unless you get sufficient sleep. If you need pills to sleep, then take pills to sleep. That part is really straightforward. If you aren't sleeping, you aren't going to be equipped to deal with the other shit you need to do deal with. I don't know why you are talking about 'hormones' because not a single medication I know of as a sleep aid or for depression and anxiety are hormonal.
It's not fair, but it's also not fair to you or your kids if you don't take advantage of every possible tool that might assist you. Medication might assist you right now. Don't be prideful about it. This isn't about anyone else, this is about doing the best for yourself.
You don't actually talk about what your doctors has said to you, but if your doctor has suggested medication, it is certainly worth trying. Whether this is deeper or not, your doctor's advice should be considered.
Also, call the cops on your mother already. She's squatting. Get her out.
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The Question
Ok so I'm 15 in i just wanted to know that wen I go to the doctor will the doctor tell my parents if I have been fingered ? Im confused please help
The Answer
In the United States, no. That would be illegal. The doctor would not do that. If they did (and they won't) they'd be committing a federal crime.
More importantly, no doctor who claims to be able to tell a woman has been fingered by looking at her vagina should be trusted. Doctors can't actually know that with certainty. It's not a real thing, and only dishonest doctors engage in that sort of shaming.
In the US, your rights as a patient are protected by HIPPA. Your right to privacy means the doctors cannot speak to your parents about your health or treatment unless you give them permission to.
It's best to be completely honest with your doctor about your sexual activity. Part of your doctor's role should be to give you good advice, and help keep you safe and healthy.
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The Question
Hi, I asked a question a few months ago:
http://www.advicenators.com/qview.php?q=659254
But to sum it up, I am 21 years old, in a sorority, and dating the ex-boyfriend of one of my "pledge sisters", the name for him I used in the last question was "Henry". We'll call her "Rachel". I never met Henry when they dated, and they were only together a month. The first time I met and kissed Henry, I didn't even know he was her ex-boyfriend. I started to really develop feelings for him despite trying to ignore them, blow off his texts, etc. and when I finally felt that I couldn't any longer I talked to my pledge sister and she said it sucked but that it was okay with her. Two months later she changed her mind, and basically called me every name/insult in the book. We have not been on good terms since and this was October of last year.
The issue now... So Henry and I will have been dating officially for 8 months, and exclusively seeing each other for almost a year. I love him dearly, and I think we are going to have a really great future. I recently shared some very personal issues of mine with him, he has met my entire family and they all very much adore him, and I trust him more than I trust myself. We will all be returning to school in the fall, and this whole past semester Rachel has been studying abroad. As horrible as it is to say, I was secretly glad she was gone. This is because a week before she left to study abroad, she went up to him in a campus bar while he was with his friends, told him that he had "given up the perfect girl" to be with me, that she has no idea what he sees in me because I am so ugly and that she planned to "f*** every last one" of his pledge brothers. Henry was livid and asked her to leave. She didn't. Luckily his friends shuffled Rachel off so he could go home and it ended up being pretty anti climatic.
However, this whole incident really shed some light on the situation for me. This entire time, I maintained that I was in the wrong and that I had hurt Rachel. When girls in the house asked me about it I would say "it sucks and its not an ideal situation" and if they tried to take my side by saying bad things about Rachel I shut it down immediately. She ended up unfollowing both me and Henry on every form of social media. Shortly after that incident in the bar however, she followed him again on everything, and kept me blocked. She started sending him snapchats recently, just random selfies and things like "whats up" "hows your summer" etc. He has shown me all of her messages and stopped opening the photos she's sent. He asked if I wanted him to block her but I said I didn't want to be immature and give her something else to talk about.
Point is, it just unnerves me for this school year. I have to see a lot of her because the sorority and I really thought after being abroad this would have all blown over already. And after the incident in the bar and the messages and the social media, I feel like this issue is more than just her being mad at a friend. It makes me think that she was never mad that I liked him, she was mad that he liked someone else. Which to me, is worse. And keep in mind I didn't even meet him until a year and a half after they broke up. I just don't know how I'm supposed to handle her. As you can tell, she's pretty confrontational and she has been texting all of my friends recently about how she can't wait to hang out with them etc. etc. despite the fact that several of my friends really have issues with her too. She even sent this big group text to our pledge class and specifically didn't put me in it. I feel like she is just creeping in on me and I don't want to look jealous, dramatic, and petty but honestly it's getting to me. I want to be the bigger person, I just don't know how.
The Answer
For now, take a deep breath and a step back. You are dwelling on problems that are not yet happening.
Your boyfriend has the texts properly under control. Her texts to your friends are petty, but so far, they have no actual impact on you. There is nothing you need to do to handle her at this point.
You don't know what she is going to do when she actually returns. You don't know how others will react to her returning, including your friends who are already frustrated with her.
Take a deep breath, maintain your own friendships and wait to see how it shakes down. Just ignore the text games she is playing from a distance. They mean nothing. Tell you nothing about the future. It's okay to be anxious right now, but try to relax. We'll be here when she shows up and actually makes a move, but right now, she's a just a bad idea floating far away. Let it be for now.
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The Question
I'm a female and 22 years old. This is a long question so I appreciate anyone who takes time to read this and help!
I met this guy on Tinder one Sunday in June. He was super nice and really good at carrying a conversation. We exchanged phone numbers and started texting later that day.
Once we started texting, we texted all day every day during that first week. During the first week of texting, he asked me to hang out every day but I kept saying no because I wasn't sure how much I liked him. In the beginning, I was kind of just talking to him because I liked the attention he gave me. However, over time, I started to like him more and more.
He told me the reason he kept asking me to hang out so much was because he was going out of town for a week and a half and wanted to meet me before that. I told him that we could hang out once he got back in town, if he still wanted to.
So he went out of town and when he was gone, we continued to text all day every day. We were also snap chat friends and snap chatted regularly. He would always compliment my looks, saying that he thought I was gorgeous and beautiful. We even started talking on the phone at night. We talked on the phone 4 or 5 times, and 3 of the times we talked for 2 and a half hours. While we talked about each other's lives, he always made it a point to tell me how much he liked me and how much he enjoyed talking to me. Just to give you an idea, he even said "have you met anyone from Tinder before in person?" and when I said no, he said "Well hopefully once you meet me, you won't have to meet anyone else." We had such a good time talking on the phone that I started to like him more and I started to think that I would actually want to meet up with this guy.
When we were talking on the phone, he asked me if I would want to hang out the night he got back in town. I thought about it, and told him the next day that I did want to hang out. So, we continued to text all day, and talked on the phone as well.
The day of the date arrives and we were texting scarcely. He kept telling me how excited he was to hang out and how much fun we were going to have. I decided to meet him at his apartment and he would drive us to dinner from there. I was so nervous, but the second we met, my nerves went away. We had a lot of fun on the date - we went out to dinner, then we walked around the park next to the lake, and then got some wine and went back to his apartment. We watched some tv, drank wine, cuddled, and made out. I left around 1030 at night and he said "I don't want you to go." But since I had to work the next day, I was like "I have to." So he kissed me goodbye and I left. He texted me on the way home saying "Hey I had a lot of fun. I hope you did too. Hope you got home safely."
The next day, he texted me, and things were good. However, we didn't text as much as we had before we met. Then the next couple of days come, and we start texting less and less. This really had me worried because I thought maybe he wasn't feeling me anymore. I was confused because I thought that we had a really good time on our date so I didn't know why he was texting less and less. It was 3 days after we hung out and we were texting and I asked him if he wanted to hang out over the weekend. He said that he wanted to and he could make that work on Sunday. I told him that worked for me, and that it would be a good time. He replied "no doubt in my mind it will be a good time." This gave me some reassurance.
We were still barely texting on Friday and Saturday, so when Sunday came I texted him saying I had an idea for our hang out. I told him, and he replied "that sounds like fun but I won't be able to. I'm not feeling well and need to rest. Hope that's okay, I like you, I just need to rest." So I was bummed and clearly thought he wasn't interested. However, he did say "tomorrow?" so we rescheduled our plans for Monday. Later that day (Sunday, the day we were supposed to hang out), he asked me if I wanted to go to his apartment and hang out and drink some wine. I said yes. I got to his apartment around 10 that night. Same as the first time we hung out at his apartment, we watched TV, cuddled, and made out. We did hook up a little bit further than that, but we did not sleep together. We had a lot of fun, we talked about personal things, as well as the other stuff I mentioned. It wasn't only sexual. He asked me to stay the night and told me that he didn't want me to leave. We were talking about watching Sports Center on TV and I made a comment like oh I'm not into it, and he said "get used to it because its something I always watch." He was being sweet and nice, calling me pet names like "sweetheart" and "babe." When it was time to go, he walked me outside to my car and kissed me goodbye, hugged me and said "see you tomorrow."
So Monday comes, I ask him if he can still hang out, and he cancels our plans because him and his friends got tickets to a sports game. We don't text again that day. I didn't text him on Tuesday because I wasn't sure what was going on. He didn't text me, so we didn't talk that day. So, then Wednesday, I wanted to see if he would text me, he didn't. So I texted him and he replied "Hey! thought maybe you were mad at me, you didn't text me yesterday." I told him I was bummed, and he apologized and said that he thought he told me he was trying to go to that game. I told him it wasn't a big deal. So, we talked on Wednesday and he was more talkative than he had been. However, he stopped texting me in the middle of a conversation and I haven't heard from him since. It's been 11 days. My birthday was just this past Friday, and he knew it was my birthday, and he didn't wish me happy birthday. He still looks at all of my snap chat stories, but doesn't reach out to me.
Do you think I did something wrong? Do you think it was all an act until he met me? Maybe he changed his mind? I cannot stop thinking about him/the situation. Do you have any advice for how I can move on from this? I want an explanation but I don't want to reach out because I don't want to appear "crazy" or clingy. However, at the same time, I can't help but think that maybe he thinks he did something wrong and I'm the one that lost interest. Even though I texted him later that day Wednesday, and snap chatted him twice later that week. Do you think I just need to accept it and move on?
sorry for the long question, I appreciate anyone who actually reads this and helps me out. Thanks!!
The Answer
He's not that into you.
I doubt you did anything wrong, but you're going to just need to let this go. There is no great, profound answer that will make you feel better. He wasn't feeling it with you. Perhaps he did want sometimes long-term, but he decided he didn't want it with you.
Chances are rather good he was actively dating, and auditioning several women for the role of his next girlfriend. Don't be too sorry you didn't get the part.
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The Question
Please help!
I'm a successful 35-year-old woman suffering from a rapidly ticking biological clock. I have spent the better part of the last 15 years in the dating trenches and have been in relationships with several men who didn't treat me well, which is a big reason I am still single.
Over the last few years I have become really lonely and sick to death of dating, and I recently decided it was time to "settle". Enter my current boyfriend, "James," who I met online. While James is gentle and kind, he hasn't got much going for him beyond that: he's not particularly attractive, he's not financially successful and I have to admit that he's not that interesting. On top of that, some of his mannerisms sort of annoy me.
Despite all these perceived shortcomings, James is significantly older, so he's ready and willing to start a family. I feel depleted from so much bad dating and I can't stomach the thought of looking for someone else. My question is: how bad is it to settle for someone like James? Will I regret it, or will I regret it more if I miss my chance to have children? I've been reading a lot of self-help materials written by older women who advocate for "settling". What are your thoughts?
The Answer
Settling isn't bad advice when the person you are settling for is someone you respect.
Settling is a good advice when your dream of the 'perfect' fantasy marriage is killing the potential of a very good real marriage right in front of you.
However, that's not quite what you are describing here. I highly doubt any of the authors you are reading would suggest settling for someone out of desperation. Settling should be about a confident, active choice. Desperation is about giving up the belief that you have any choices left.
I can't tell you what you will regret. I can tell you that if you don't have a fundamentally respect and admiration for James as a co-parent and life partner, that it's unfair to him to move forward with this. Binding yourself for life to someone who annoys you sometimes is settling. Binding yourself for life to someone who you have very little respect for is soul killing for you both.
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The Question
about three days ago I had unsafe sex with my boyfriend and I Don't know what to do or which pill should I take in trigestrel between these three colours red, yellow and white
The Answer
Your question is unclear, so it's difficult to give you any good advice.
I think you would be best to talk to a doctor, or even a pharmacist, or call a place like Planned Parenthood and ask them for advice. Planned Parenthood also has a text service you can use to ask questions over text messages. https://www.plannedparenthood.org/all-access/chat
If you are taking trigestrel, which is a birth control pill, you should just keep taking it normally. Any other questions should be put to someone who knows about sexual health. Please don't try to take any trigestrel pills as 'morning after' pills.
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The Question
I have been seeing this guy for almost 2 months and him and I have occasional sex. The very first time we used protection and went to the clinic and both came out clean. Every other time since then has been unprotected and he has came in me twice. I am on the Mirena IUD but my doctor has said she cannot locate it and I have an ultrasound appt soon. He says he does not have unprotected sex with anyone as he has not practiced it so why is he doing it with me. What does this mean?
The Answer
Well, what is definitely does mean that he is the kind of person who will say one thing, and then do another.
Other than that, it's impossible to say.
It's tempting to think that your relationship is special to him somehow, because he's willing to have unprotected sex with you, but claims he isn't doing it with others.
It's even possible that is true—but it's more likely that he's just not 100% truthful about his sexual activities and the choices he had made or is making.
In your shoes, I'd be insisting on condom use until I had done two things. First, had a very serious conversation with him about his sexual choices and sexual exclusivity. If a young man doesn't want to be sexually exclusive with me, then he must, 100%, always, wear a condom. For me, there is no flexibility on that. In your shoes, I'd also expect any of my male partners to wear a condom if I was uncertain my IUD was working correctly.
Any man who want not comfortable and respectful of those two, very reasonable, utterly legitimate boundaries, would be a man I would not have sex with or any sort of romantic relationship with. I don't sleep with people who don't take my health seriously.
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The Question
So I sent this girl Emily I really like this message and then when she responded I was confused by what she said. I know nothing is gonna happen between us right now because she does have a boyfriend but by her response do you think I will ever have a chance? I'm 16 and she is going to turn 17 very soon.(I changed the names)
"It's been almost three years since I met you. Honestly I never thought I would be writing and sending this message. When I first met you it wasn't much more then a hi. I remember sitting behind you in Caudill thinking man is she pretty. That whole time I never thought I would come to know you as well as I do. All of freshman year you were this beautiful girl I was starting to get to know who was actually into show choir. Now right before schools starts sophomore year I get invited to your birthday party. That was a stressful time for me because I had no clue what to get you. Then I realized a necklace would be perfect and I sat down on the computer and looked at the necklaces for the one I think you would like. Then I found it a small silver necklace that screamed perfect at me. Well i went to your party and gave you the necklace.
Which you said you liked but in my mind I thought you would never wear it. Well camp rolls around and schools starts. It was a normal year I had my new lover Wyatt and I was finally one of the boys with the creation of the four horsemen. But the thing that really stuck with me was that you actually wore the necklace I got you and that was amazing to me. We also talked a lot more and in general got a lot closer. During that time though I started felling something towards you. Something weird. Something I didn't feel with Phoebe
at the time. Then time went on and that feeling only got bigger and stronger. Then the musical came and with it came Hunter. We all were telling you things about him and I'll admit me saying things was a little out of jealousy, nevertheless they were still true. But I had told everyone and this point I had a crush on you. It wasn't anything big but it was there. Well then came the period where I still liked you but you were with Hunter and me Ash. Well then Hunter cheated and I was there to help you. I held you when you cried and talked to you also. I was with you through and through I knew how much Hunter hurt you and being there for you only made my crush larger. Every time you cried or the times when you doubted yourself you were always gorgeous to me and I never thought differently of you for anything. Even when you thought about maybe forgiving Hunter. Then I broke up with Ashley. I was now alone and I was ok with that. But the longer time went on after I broke up with her the more I started thinking about you. That like 2-3 month period shoulda have been when said all this but I couldn't. I wasn't only terrified but I also never thought it was the right time. You weren't eating, and then you would be sick, and you wouldn't tell me things and I was worried. Then school was getting ready to end and I found out through the grape vine you were talking to Dylan. I immediately just shut off any feelings and emotions and I made myself forget because you were with another guy and I was 99.9% sure you had no interest in me (I still am) and you were gonna be with Dylan for a little while. I was happy you were happy. And I honestly really did just block everything out. Now Dylan cheated too and everything is back. I have no clue your status with him as of now and at this point I don't care. I just want this all out. Emily I really do like you. I'm not here to like beg you for a date or ask you out. I'm not here for that at all. I'm here because I am 99.9% sure you already know and I just want it out on the table so no matter what happens it's not the elephant in the room with us. I honestly do like you and I am glad I finally worked up the courage to just say it. Emily no matter what anyone says you are so amazing, compassionate, kind, gorgeous, and the list can go on. Now it's just about to be junior year. After this year we only have one year left and after that who knows what's going to happen. I have screwed up a lot in my life but not this time. I'm not gonna let this just skim by for the next two years I'm addressing it now. I don't expect anything to change I don't expect you are just gonna be wooed. Because you won't be and things probably won't change and honestly I'll come to accept that. I don't need a response anytime soon. Just whenever you want to you have my number."
(Her response)
"I really love you Brandon. But as of right now, as a friend. And you know that. Even tho I haven't talked to you a lot this summer you're still one of my bestfriends. And he didn't cheat. But I know you're always there for me and we'll just see where thing a go. But I really appreciate you saying this to me. Honestly I really do"
The Answer
No. I don't think you 'have a chance'. Definitely not now, and probably not ever. You seem to believe she's never really had those sorts of feelings about you—there is no reason to think that will magically change.
If you really value her friendship, you need to truly accept that. You say that you've accepted that, but if you're still coming to a website like this asking what she meant, and if you have a chance... then you haven't. You haven't' fully let this go, and fully letting this go, is the respect she deserves right now.
There is nothing confusing about what she said. She said no. She tried to do it gently, and spare your feelings, but it was clearly, 100% a No.
The only thing that is left to see here, is whether or not you can be respectful of her and still be her friend, or if that is something you are not capable of doing.
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The Question
im girl 17, im in 3rd year in high school... i told my classmate(boy) who is also my crush that i like him, in the concrete i gave him a note, saying i like him bc , i felt really relieved after i told him...two days later, i asked him to talk about it bc he didnt give any respond and i wanted to how he feels , during school (we didnt study , we just played games etc), i asked him if we could go and talk somewhere private , he said it is nice that i told him about my feelings for him, he repeated it 5 more times :D :D, he also told me that he know how hard it must´ve been for me to hide my feelings from him... then he said he doesnt have time for relationship bc he has activites besides school (he plays guitar, he dances)...and also he told me he firstly wants to develop more spiritually..(if that makes sense) bc we go to catholic church , ..and then he hugged me saying that we should continue to be friends and he told not to act nervous before him,
if he´s my classmate should i continue to be friend with him ? , should i ignore him when the new school year starts, or should i talk to him like we used to ?,
THE MAIN QUESTION: he asked the whole class if we want to spend some days on his family´s cabin, i like the post on fb he wrote about it, but i dont know if i should go, wouldnt it be awkward? i didnt say goodbye to him on last day of school, i just ignored him, but i met him yesteday and we briefly said hello to each other ...so should i go or not ?? please help me :)
i thought he liked me:/..thats why i told him..if i knew i would never told him...now i guess i ruined my friendship with him..
i also didnt say anything about rejection to my family or my friends..im just kinda ashamed..my one cousin and my best friend know that i like him but they dont know i got rejected :/
PS: he doesnt want to be priest or something like that he is just little bit more religious
The Answer
It's okay to be embarrassed. It happens. It always sucks, but this happens. You should still be proud of yourself for being brave and honest, even though it didn't work out the way you'd like too.
Now, I think all that is important is deciding if you are comfortable being his friend. Just his friend. If you are, then go ahead and do friendly things, like hang out him and others at the cabin. But if you aren't comfortable, or aren't ready yet, then don't.
It's takes two people to decide to be friends, and only one person to decide to end the friendship. He has said pretty clearly that he'd still like to be friends. It's up to you now to decide if the friendship is one you are going to hold on to or not.
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The Question
I went on a school trip to the cinema but i think no-one was allowed to stay during the credits because the whole class began walking out as soon as the credits started rolling, and i found it very disrespectful, because the movie's not technically over until the credits have rolled
The Answer
I've worked major film fests and movie premieres. Even then, even if there are lots of people who work in the film business in the audience, most don't stay till the end of credits.
I doubt very much that anyone who makes their living in the movies cares whether or not you sit there and watch their names go by for a brief second, and then promptly forget them.
Do you actually remember who was the Best Boy or Key Grip on your favorite movie? Can you name a single DoP working today? Will you ever care who provided additional casting services?
Similarly, when you listen to music, do you know who co-wrote Taylor Swifts Shake It Off? Do you know who played the piano on Adele's Hello?
Probably not. You may know some of that... but most people don't, and I don't think there is anything wrong or evil about enjoying a piece of entertainment without knowing the name of every single person who worked to create it.
I understand why people thnk it's respectful to wait til the end of the movie, but my personal opinion is that unless you are actually paying attention and giving a damn about who worked on the movie, then it's just an empty gesture. A way of pretending to show them respect, while not actually caring. Otherwise, the only thing polite about staying through the credits, is that you aren't distracting the people around you who might actually be watching them. (And again, that's a bit unlikely that anyone is—just other people pretending to pay attention to them out of duty—especially in the day of the internet when people can find out who worked on a movie quicker through Google than they can sitting through credits.)
Stay if you want too, when you are on your own time, but don't judge those who don't. Whether or not someone sits through the credits is not a good indicator of whether or not the respect the people's whose work contributed to the movie.
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The Question
I'm so tired of this. No matter what I do my step daughter goes and complains to my husband. I was cleaning some cupboards and my step daughter had 10 + water bottles cluttering up this cabinet. I removed them and put them in her room with a note asking her to go through them. She goes and complains....my feelings are hurt....I don't feel like she wants me here.....then my husband is down on me saying YOU act like you don't want "us" here! I've asked her that if she has a problem with things that I say or do to come and talk to me. She never does. She goes to "daddy" and it's not like she's a kid....she's 19 for Pete's sake. I've had it. What can I do to deal with thud. It's destroyed my marriage.
The Answer
Your problem isn't with the teenager. Your problem is with your co-parent. Talk to your husband.
She is playing the two of you off each other. She's not evil, she's just a teenager. Even if you weren't her stepmom, this sort of thing can happen. This is a thing teenagers do. It's tough to live as a teenager in your parents home. It's tough to have a teenager living in your home as adult. You and your husband, need to figure some of these issues out, and decide togeather how to address them.
He's her parent, and he's understandably a more clear authority in her life. It's not wrong of her to feel more comfortable speaking about her feelings to him. The two of you need to work togeather, and come to an agreement about how you are going to make sure that all the adults and young people can live togeather in peace. This might not mean you'll get your way on all things, but you need to present a united front with her father, otherwise, there is no reason for her stop doing this. It's working for her. You are going to have to makes some changes and work with her father, to fix this for yourself.
If you and her father can't agree on how to live togeather in respect and peace, then that is your problem. Your problem is with her dad.
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The Question
How much authority should I have as a stepmother? I ask this because I am the stepmother of a 15 year old boy. My husband (his dad) just got sole custody of him. (He alone because I was home with our newborn daughter). My husband has had me make major decisions concerning my stepson's health, education etc. He works long hours and for the most part, I am the one pretty much taking care of my stepson. Recently my stepson had a bad fracture to his ankle while playing ball. I was the one who took him to the hospital, signed his medical forms, etc. His mother found out and naturally got mad. I told her that I'm only doing what his father put me in the position to do. His father was out of town at the time and there was no way to reach him. My stepson's mother lives out of state and the #s I had for her were wrong #s. When my husband got back in town, he got mad at her and said that sole custody means that she doesn't get to have any say in their son's life anymore. I have told my husband that he needs to make more of an effort to keep her in the loop concerning their son. He always tells me: Since I have sole custody, that means you are his new mom now. I don't have to tell her anything. When I try to talk to her, she refuses to talk to me even though I just want to tell her that I have no desire to keep out of the loop anymore. I'm so confused by all of this. What should I do?
The Answer
You should tell your husband he must come to a family counsellor with you, where you can discuss these issues seriously with a professional.
If the child's mother, has no custody rights at all, and is not physically present, then you have the authority that your husband has given you, and it sounds like he expects you to take complete parental authority over the child.
You can ask the boy's mother to give you accurate contact information, so you can tell her basic things like "Hey, just so you know he got hurt, but is fine now." But if she won't speak to you, or give you accurate contact info, then there is nothing you can do about that.
You also can't fix your husband's inappropriate attitude. Declaring that the non-custodial parent has no right to know anything may no even be true of his sole custody agreement. Sole custody doesn't always mean the mother has zero rights, and it is a rather extreme stance for your husband to take. Unless the mother is a serious danger to her son, it would probably be better for everyone if your husband could develop a healthier way of dealing with her.
There is little you can do, all by yourself, to fix your relationship with his ex. If she doesn't want that, you can't make it happen. However, you have troubles in your relationship with him, because of the position he's taken and how he is behaving. Those issues need to be worked out. If he expects you to be the child's mother, then he needs to include you and value your opinion when it comes to how to handle the child's biological mother. If he isn't listening to your concerns and beliefs when you raise them at home, getting a family counsellor involved might be helpful.
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