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Stepparent advice
How much authority should I have as a stepmother? I ask this because I am the stepmother of a 15 year old boy. My husband (his dad) just got sole custody of him. (He alone because I was home with our newborn daughter). My husband has had me make major decisions concerning my stepson's health, education etc. He works long hours and for the most part, I am the one pretty much taking care of my stepson. Recently my stepson had a bad fracture to his ankle while playing ball. I was the one who took him to the hospital, signed his medical forms, etc. His mother found out and naturally got mad. I told her that I'm only doing what his father put me in the position to do. His father was out of town at the time and there was no way to reach him. My stepson's mother lives out of state and the #s I had for her were wrong #s. When my husband got back in town, he got mad at her and said that sole custody means that she doesn't get to have any say in their son's life anymore. I have told my husband that he needs to make more of an effort to keep her in the loop concerning their son. He always tells me: Since I have sole custody, that means you are his new mom now. I don't have to tell her anything. When I try to talk to her, she refuses to talk to me even though I just want to tell her that I have no desire to keep out of the loop anymore. I'm so confused by all of this. What should I do?
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I will answer your question as to what authority you have first.
Since your husband has sole custody and you are the primary care taker of his son. You have whatever authority your husband has given you, for m caring for his health and well being to disciplining him.
That being said there are times, such as when he broke his ankle that you need the legal authority to care for him or act as his guardian. You and your husband need to meet with a lawyer and have the proper paperwork drawn up so that when necessary you can act in your husbands place. This would include when in need of medical or dental care or signing papers to allow him to take school trips or speak with teachers.
There was a time when verbal authority was sufficient to allow you to act as guardian, Today it is necessary for you and your husband to protect yourselves and the boy by making sure you have crossed all the "T's" and dotted all the "I's. Not doing so in my mind could give the boys mother grounds to sue for custody again even if as in the broken ankle you did the right thing by taking him to an emergency room.
Now for the second part. You are correct in the belief that the boys mother has a right to know how her son is doing even though she does not have custody. since she will not speak to you for you to set up some type of an arrangement to keep her in the loop. I would suggest while speaking with the lawyer for the paperwork you should have. Ask if he or she would contact her lawyer to arrange some type of manner for you to keep her in the loop. To express you feeling that she needs to be kept in the loop concerning her son.
Not knowing the whys and wherefores of their divorce it is somewhat obvious it was less then mutually consented to. For whatever reasons you are the villain or at least she sees you as one. A message form her attorney that villain or not you want to do the right thing concerning her son and her. This could go along way in making peace between the three of you. If she still refuses then you have tried and the onus is on her not you.
Good luck and may I say you are a good woman taking on another woman's child.
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You should tell your husband he must come to a family counsellor with you, where you can discuss these issues seriously with a professional.
If the child's mother, has no custody rights at all, and is not physically present, then you have the authority that your husband has given you, and it sounds like he expects you to take complete parental authority over the child.
You can ask the boy's mother to give you accurate contact information, so you can tell her basic things like "Hey, just so you know he got hurt, but is fine now." But if she won't speak to you, or give you accurate contact info, then there is nothing you can do about that.
You also can't fix your husband's inappropriate attitude. Declaring that the non-custodial parent has no right to know anything may no even be true of his sole custody agreement. Sole custody doesn't always mean the mother has zero rights, and it is a rather extreme stance for your husband to take. Unless the mother is a serious danger to her son, it would probably be better for everyone if your husband could develop a healthier way of dealing with her.
There is little you can do, all by yourself, to fix your relationship with his ex. If she doesn't want that, you can't make it happen. However, you have troubles in your relationship with him, because of the position he's taken and how he is behaving. Those issues need to be worked out. If he expects you to be the child's mother, then he needs to include you and value your opinion when it comes to how to handle the child's biological mother. If he isn't listening to your concerns and beliefs when you raise them at home, getting a family counsellor involved might be helpful.
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