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Step daughter complains about me to her dad
I'm so tired of this. No matter what I do my step daughter goes and complains to my husband. I was cleaning some cupboards and my step daughter had 10 + water bottles cluttering up this cabinet. I removed them and put them in her room with a note asking her to go through them. She goes and complains....my feelings are hurt....I don't feel like she wants me here.....then my husband is down on me saying YOU act like you don't want "us" here! I've asked her that if she has a problem with things that I say or do to come and talk to me. She never does. She goes to "daddy" and it's not like she's a kid....she's 19 for Pete's sake. I've had it. What can I do to deal with thud. It's destroyed my marriage.
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Hey!
It's usually really hard for kids when their parents are split up, because they feel as if it's their fault (even if they don't show it), this can actually lead to some pretty serious depression in the future (I have a few friends who's parents are divorced). It can sometimes be even harder once their biological parent finds a new person to remarry. I think the reason why she turns to him is because she trusts him more (considering the fact that you just came into her life, and her dad has always been there for her). I'm going to be honest with you I don't think she sees you as a 'mom' figure. You have to show them your love, and your trust.
Hope this helps
-Swimmer133
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This happens in almost every drama movie and usually in the movie, the stepmother talks to her stepdaughter privately. So I think that is what you should do in reality with your stepdaughter.
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This may not have been an area of topic of conversation before the two of you decided to tie the knot. Often, its the same in other areas of life for all of us, we don't think about covering and discussing and having a plan for all the what ifs ahead of time. A good one many fail on is planning and actually practicing as a family how to escape the house safely in case of a fire and where outside to all meet so one can know if any is still trapped inside. I'd rather not try to come up with a plan during a fire, its likely to end in death.
So, all I can think of is what I learned as new parents in parenting classes the hubby and I took after having our newborn. One thing that still stands out is something children will do, children of any age, is playing one parent against the other. This happens whether you are both the birth parents or not. So as far as I am concerned, besides the issues of her acting like a child instead of adult, the husband verbally attacking you as if its your fault, the deeper issue here is the fact that he is not choosing to talk with you, have a plan and present a unified front to this daughter.
Why he isn't may range from feeling guilty that she doesnt have her mom and unintentionally, he has slowly found himself catering to her every whim and wish to try to make her happy or bring back happiness in her life after not being able to have Mom in her life. He may not even realize he is doing this, so counseling for couples and later, family including the daughter is crucial here. He needs to hear from a professional that what he is doing is only going to make things worse. The daughters demands will get worse and she'll be expecting you to hop to her every wish like some servant.
I wouldn't be surprised if you already feel like nothing more than a maid in the house. This guy has all the benefits of a maid, cook, wife/girlfriend, without having to put in an equal share of energy and importance to your relationship.
If he refuses to go for counseling, I have no idea what to tell you. You have a marriage in paper only, but its not really a marriage and wont be without intervention. So if it comes to this point, you'll have to decide whether you're ok with saying nothing more and watching your Ps and Q's around both of them and just basically being miserable the rest of your life, or do you feel so miserable you are willing to put up the continueing of this marriage as the stakes in an ultimatum to hubby. Either he go to counseling with you or the marriage is over and you divorce him. You'd have to be willing to go through with the threat. Its scary, your future is unknown, and it may feel like admitting you've made a mistake in marrying him. Realiae that this kind of thing happens to more people than you would know, we just don't talk about it, and that it takes two to tango, so the choices he is making is what is causing the problem, its not what you are doing, the example you gave sounded reasonable
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I disagree with Razhie on one point. Your step daughter while technically at 19 is a teenager. she is also legally an adult and should act like one. Playing the two of you off of each other is what young teenagers do not what adults do.
You do not say whether your marriage is the result of a divorce or the passing of his first wife. Your step daughter's actions say she resents the affections her father show you or is just unhappy he has chosen to remarry.
Family counseling is an option to consider as she will remain in your life for as long as you are married even after she leaves your home. What has to happen is your husband needs to realize she is playing him against you and it may very well be she is trying to destroy your marriage. Only she knows why she is doing this and a good counselor can bring this out of her.
Then it needs to be explained to her that playing daddy against stepmom will not be tolerated any more. That she is not a guest in this home it is her home as well and you are the person who sets how the home is organized and run. Since she is a member of the family and not a guest certain things are expected of her. That she keeps her own room, does her own laundry, she is more than old enough and she keeps the house as you have set it to be. Her room is her domain and she may keep it as she wishes.
Note: As my wife once told me if her room upsets you just close the door.
You need to get your husband to understand that she may be doing this purposely for her own agenda. For his part he is playing right into it. He needs to tell his daughter when she comes to him with these things to work it out with you he is not getting involved.
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Your problem isn't with the teenager. Your problem is with your co-parent. Talk to your husband.
She is playing the two of you off each other. She's not evil, she's just a teenager. Even if you weren't her stepmom, this sort of thing can happen. This is a thing teenagers do. It's tough to live as a teenager in your parents home. It's tough to have a teenager living in your home as adult. You and your husband, need to figure some of these issues out, and decide togeather how to address them.
He's her parent, and he's understandably a more clear authority in her life. It's not wrong of her to feel more comfortable speaking about her feelings to him. The two of you need to work togeather, and come to an agreement about how you are going to make sure that all the adults and young people can live togeather in peace. This might not mean you'll get your way on all things, but you need to present a united front with her father, otherwise, there is no reason for her stop doing this. It's working for her. You are going to have to makes some changes and work with her father, to fix this for yourself.
If you and her father can't agree on how to live togeather in respect and peace, then that is your problem. Your problem is with her dad.
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