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Seeking a Warm Body (Settling in order to get pregnant in time)
Please help!
I'm a successful 35-year-old woman suffering from a rapidly ticking biological clock. I have spent the better part of the last 15 years in the dating trenches and have been in relationships with several men who didn't treat me well, which is a big reason I am still single.
Over the last few years I have become really lonely and sick to death of dating, and I recently decided it was time to "settle". Enter my current boyfriend, "James," who I met online. While James is gentle and kind, he hasn't got much going for him beyond that: he's not particularly attractive, he's not financially successful and I have to admit that he's not that interesting. On top of that, some of his mannerisms sort of annoy me.
Despite all these perceived shortcomings, James is significantly older, so he's ready and willing to start a family. I feel depleted from so much bad dating and I can't stomach the thought of looking for someone else. My question is: how bad is it to settle for someone like James? Will I regret it, or will I regret it more if I miss my chance to have children? I've been reading a lot of self-help materials written by older women who advocate for "settling". What are your thoughts?
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For you settling is a means to an end. The end being able to start a family. You do not say in your writing that James is even interested in you in this way or that he is interested in starting a family. You also point out all of James's shortcomings.
With this being said I think desperate is more the word then settling and you should not be that desperate. My son and future daughter in-law are in the same position you are so to speak. My son was in a very bad relationship that took him a long time to get over. He went through a number of long term relationships before finally going on one of those dating websites and finding his future wife.
She had similar problems married young, had a bad marriage and divorced. Didn't think she would ever find love again until she met my son and almost didn't answer his inquiry. But she did and she and he are very happy.
In talking with them I found out that like my son she was looking for the perfect fit but as I say this is an off the rack world and you need to customize that fit. They are not a perfect fit but they have learned to customize the areas they are not.
The reason I'm telling you this is I am going to recommend you do not settle for I believe once you have what you want, children, your marriage will suffer and that's not right for the children. Go on one of the dating sites like match.com. Fill out the profile questionnaire honestly as to what your looking for. Put a good full length picture of you on your profile.
I'm not sure you will find the perfect fit, what you will find is a good fit. That good fit will become a loving relationship on which those areas where the fit is not perfect you will both be willing to compromise to make the relationship stronger.
We should never settle for something this important for if we do we will always wonder if we could have done better.
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Settling isn't bad advice when the person you are settling for is someone you respect.
Settling is a good advice when your dream of the 'perfect' fantasy marriage is killing the potential of a very good real marriage right in front of you.
However, that's not quite what you are describing here. I highly doubt any of the authors you are reading would suggest settling for someone out of desperation. Settling should be about a confident, active choice. Desperation is about giving up the belief that you have any choices left.
I can't tell you what you will regret. I can tell you that if you don't have a fundamentally respect and admiration for James as a co-parent and life partner, that it's unfair to him to move forward with this. Binding yourself for life to someone who annoys you sometimes is settling. Binding yourself for life to someone who you have very little respect for is soul killing for you both.
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