GradingCurve's advice column

askGradingCurve

advice column ask question view feedback favorite columnist advicenators

Q: My daughter is about school aged and I am trying to decide if I should home school her. My only problem with the idea of homeschooling is that she won't have the social interaction like other kids. I'm not really sure what mothers do when homeschooling children so that the child has enough social interaction with peers to develop correct social skills. What's your opinion on this and are there any methods of teaching that involve other children (preferably small groups or only a couple of children at a time) so that my child can develop the necessary social skills without the need to go to public schools?

I have mixed views of the public school vs home-school drama. There are many aspects involved in these type of decisions.

The most obvious is the vast difference in social interaction. Secondly, would be, your daughter's and YOUR ability to separates the roles and time between teacher and mother and daughter and student relationships (and cross relationships), for both you and her "properly"....
Also consider, the duration of time you're considering to home-school. You could consider, if you believe that you possess the skills, patience and diligence to prepare, set-up, handle, maintain and complete your child's educational requirement according to your state's curriculum, IN ADDITION, to your daily, eternal motherly responsibilities and tasks? Assuming that this is a young child, developing a schedule that interacts with other children throughout the day (ie: making paydates, parks, trips, etc)... Also, long-term? REMEMBER there are online ged diplomas and college courses, however it may hinder future employment that has advancement opportunities. These are just suggestions about things to consider before making a final decision.

Also, could you only be considering home school because you may have separation anxiety and/or may develop symptoms of the inadequate mother/woman syndrome if she's away from you? Or do you have bad experience in public schools yourself? If so, I wouldn't suggest "harboring" your child from normal "interactions". There are many factors that people go through as a society and as individuals. Some good, others bad, but nonetheless having effects in our lives. Don't take away from something that has not been damaged. I'm sure you're a great mother, but resentment from your daughter (when she comes of age to think and decide for herself) will only encourage the a mother's insecurity, influence her thought patterns (for or against you) and can affect a parent/child relationship.

Hope this opinion encourages a clear, healthy, and uninhibited decision.

Q: There's this girl at my school and she's the most evil person on earth. She should be two grades ahead of us, but she's stayed back a few times. But anyways she bullies me because she thinks I'm ugly and weird. I'll admit that I'm not the prettiest person in the world, but that's no reason for her to tease me because she has problems too, she has a tooth in her mouth that's growing in the wrong spot.
She's super popular, everyone pretends that they like her which means they have to hate me, but everyone is secretly scared of her. She wears skimpy clothes, and I wish I could tell her how stupid she looks. The thing with me is that I have oily, greasy hair that always tangles up and is only about 3 inches long, so I have extensions, and I hate having to lie about my hair constantly. No, I do not have any kind of
disease. My hair just hates me. Anyways, I have a face full of disgusting pus-filled zits, braces, and I have a noticeable curve in my spine which meant I had to get a back brace, meaning that I can't move around that well, so I look like a zombie. The guy I like is nice to me just because he pities me, and can't do anything about this girl. I really hate my life.
Help me...

When I intially selected to respond based on the title of your submission, I thought it may have had something to do with something about yourself or the people around you that you were unable to completely get over. However, your situation had some depth (as per all situations)

I could tell that you have a great sense of humor as well as other characteristics that enhance your appeal outside of your appearance. I'm unable to confirm your age from this paragraph except only to assume that you may be a teenager in high school.

By your story, you already confirmed that in order to be "popular" that you do not need outside beauty, just something "in trend" per say. (re: skimpy clothes, snaggle-tooth qualities, and the abilty to prove how "evil" one can be) As you've already stated.. "she has problems too". Even though, you made a comedical remark about her tooth(funny)... as you've grown to notice her, I'm sure you can probably assimilate/access an even longer list of negative attributes in less than a moment's time. As previously suggested, attempt to ignore her AND remove yourself from arenas where she is "comfortable" to confront you. There...lies unseen lines of criminal mischief and bullies...as you can tell one has more dire consequences than the other if you would so decide to report her... Avoid being a victim as much as possible, in theory, that's the definition of being "street smart".

Also, look at her "popularity" from a different perspective. She is not popular by demand, she's popular because she's either really not into her studies/grades or has the inability to accept life "post(high)school". It's SO obvious to everyone else, that her popularity is like a running joke... which IS getting old.

Bullies have an expiration date... in your case (if you should have it continue)... hers is YOUR graduation.

As per your appearance, it will change. Several times probably in life. It happens to almost everyone. When you invest in yourself, you will make the changes.

ZITS?
There are creams galore out there to remove them...

GREASY, TANGLED HAIR?
A great shampoo and conditioner with considerable hair maintenance will effectively change that.

SHORT HAIR?
You already have extentions, keep your hair weaved-up, wigged-up, or braided-up for as long as you like... (not sure by what you meant by lying about your hair though?..)

CURVITURE OF THE SPINE?
Depending on your insurance and/or income, I believe there is a corrective procedure that you can research, review and prepare to undergo (should you decide to)

As For The Guy You Like?
Yeah he may have SOME "pity" for you, however he has the option to ba a complete asshole towards you. It's a positive insight that "YOU'RE" doing something, did something or revealed apart of yourself that he admired about you which influence that positive "nice" reaction from him. YOU don't have to chalk up the good experiences in you life to YOUR "negative" self-imposed appeal. Besides, genetic happenstance...YOU are responsible for YOU too.

As per your title, "you have NO friends" and that may be the/(your view) of the general score...... but (in this case) you only have one enemy... what's acceptable.

Feel Better

Q: I have the strongest feelings ever for this one guy but he doesn't talk to me anymore it seems he is ignoreing me and I know what your gonna say just talk to him.. it's not that easy for me because I feel that vibe from him.. You know it's gotten to a point that I've been crying close to everyday as long as I'm preoccupied with somethig I don't cry and if I'm not infront of people I just can't cry in front of people... I know why I can't stop thinking about him is because he is the closest guy I have ever gotten to. I miss this guy so much it's making me stressed everytime I see him with another girl talking I feel terrible. I'm a mess I can't meet any guy to replace him.. I feel like there's no way out... He means so much to me I'll do anything for him but he doesn't want to be with me I can just tell I know things.. Every time I think about him which is a lot I regret that I didn't take my chances with him I could have had more of a bond and maybe a rwaltionship I blame myself I'm tired of this I'm crying to a way beyond point and my bestfriend has a boyfriend so I can never talk about my problems anymre bc she's usually talking about him or too busy so I'm alone and I need advice I'm stuck and I don't know what I could do anymore:(((

There's many situations, I rather not attempt to respond to.. although this may be one... I'm am somewhat compelled to reply...

You stated some keys items that needs to be prioritized correctly.
His current actions towards you and this "vibe" that you're aware of, as well as the "the things you just know"... well they aren't in your head. His intentions ARE to create space between you two. The negative impact on you, is that this "space" he needs/wants, has created a "void" within your personal life. Yes, replacing him is one alternative.. however if you are emotionally tied to him without taking this time out for yourself to "sober him up & out of your system", futuristically speaking... you may be keep a wound open instead of encouraging the healing process.

Smaget, regret,... forget
Consider this, say if you get past him, move on and get over him. Would you like for him to return in the future to use your previous feelings as an entrance to "starting" new ones?
It shows no growth and his uneasiness to began anew on an even keel.

It's unclear of the extent of your previous arrangements with him, but if you felt that intensely emotional towards him WITHOUT being being in an actual relationship, it's possible that you may have somewhat... scared him off OR it's possible that he just up and withdrew from you, for no good reasons.

As for being alone, I would think that now would be a great timeframe, to find self-fulfilling activities. For example, reading (in the library daily), or cycling, skating, running, puzzles, internet games and tournaments, handball, etc.
Creating patterns and schedules, it's good for your own self-importance and may provide people you may not have notice... to "notice" you more often.

BE Better

Q: My best friend & I are very close. I dont know what it is about him but I can feel like I can trust him with EVERYTHING & ANYTHING. Everyone who knows how we are around eachother always tell us that we would make the cutest couple because we care about eachother so much. When I tell him about something stupid I might do he goes through so much to stop me & im the same with him. Does it sound like we should be a couple?

I think that you already have a great companionship with your bf. I wouldn't suggest that you date @ the moment. An unmentioned observation about friends turning into lovers is that if the timing is off and not mutually compatible... your may ruin something you can never get back.

Ride the high of your current relationship. If there's point where ya'll can't possibly NOT date... then transition into the more intimate climate. As freinds, you too are open and willing to transfer infomation to each other without regards to being in a "traditional" bf/gf relationship. Don't put boundaries on something that is obviously, effectively, mutually... great.

Besides...
you have a great relationship, you tell each other everything, there's no real constraints of other people interferring, seems that you're both single..., other than the traditional sterotypical relationships...

What make you think you're not a couple anyway?...

Q: Hello , so I am doing a project and I am not understanding the wording , it says:
1.Description of the disorder and its metabolif effects;
2. the imact on the homeostatic mechanisms of the individual suffering from the disorder
3. an examination of the genetic transmission and expression of the disorder and
4. the insight into the history of the disorder in terms of evolution-and the prevalence in ''related'' species; , do you understand what they are asking? because I cant understand what they are asking and by the way I am doing Farber's Disease.

THANK YOU SO MUCH
Betty

My computer erased my previous responses, so please forgive me on being short or curt. I didn't google the disease due to the thought that you may need freash eyes on your project's question.

1. Give the in depth description of this disease while incorporating it's affects on one's body. (Especially if it has anything to do with the ingestion or digestion processes), include side effects and symptoms as well.

2. State the influence of this disorder on the body's stable internal environment when and where an individual is actively suffering from the disorder.

3. In detail, describe how genes transfer traits into another individual (assuming that it a genetic condition as well) and it's growth from initial contraction to full-blown habitation in an individual's system/body.

4.What theories can be pulled from the texts about the history of the disease as inevitable progression/foreseeable future of the disorder in terms of more developments, growth in the medicines & medical field, include cross species contractions and comparisons.

Hope these are a bit more targeted explanations of what's being asked of you. Best Wishes

Q: would my boyfriend want to know if he popped my cherry? we didnt have sex but hypothetically. is that considered.. a good thing to guys?

Simply, yea he would love to know. You know "a male ego thing", but should he know? That actually up to you. Although, if it does pop during sex... he probably will know or ask about it and your menstrual cycle.

As for the popping cherries senarios... I've known of two extremes. One extreme, um apparent and other being no-so-apparent.

Inside a female's body there is like a "threshold", once punctured, it releases an unknown amount of blood, "IF" in fact the "cherry" has indeed been "popped".

Mentioning before sex it encouraged, only because despite the entice to his ego, his response and treatment towards your and the subject, may influenced your decision as to whether to continue towards having sex with your boyfriend or not.

It is unclear, as to whether you're a virgin or not. I know.. I know how can you NOT be a virgin and NOT have your cherry popped? Well considering the type and the depth of the intercourse, it may or may not happen. Also, it possible that the overlay of skin that's nicknamed cherry, has already been ruptured. (not by intercourse). A heavy mentrual flow may have already taken care of your cherry situation as well.

So, hypothetically, I hope I've provided a little clarity on this situation.

Q: I am a female graduate student, in a program where the vast majority of students are female. Last year, I met one of my classmates, who I thought was a nice person, only to find out she is mentally unstable and a total nightmare. Long story short, she is manipulative, controlling, obsessive, paranoid, insanely perfectionistic, a pathological liar, and highly insecure. She comes across as very sweet, but what people don't see, is that she is the total opposite in reality. If you do one tiny, miniscule little thing to get on her bad side, she will literally give you hell.

I lived with her for several months, during which time, I inevitably got on her bad side. She did not talk to me, pretended to be nice (nauseatingly so) to me in front of other people, broke one of my things, hid her silverware and the kitchen trash can in her room, literally hoarded her groceries in her room, accused me of stealing her mail, lied to the landlord about me...Well, I finally left, and it's the best decision I made all year.

But, I can't stop thinking about her. I used to be friends with a couple of girls, who she got to side with her, so now, things are just not the same. Everyone adores her, but no body knows her, and it pains me to even think of it. She is literally mentally ill, but she is the total expert at hiding it, and makes everyone else look bad in the process. The thing that kills me, is that she has a throng of people who think she is such a little sweetheart, when in reality, she is a venomous snake, and they just can't see it. But I saw the red flags early on.

Anyway, I think about how much she has hurt and bothered me all the time. I can't stand seeing her in class, and it pains me to see my old friend (who is a nice person), so close to her, and so distant from me. This has negatively impacted my well-being, my studies...it's this constant gray cloud. Any thoughts and advice are greatly appreciated.

I'm aware that there pains in this life other than the go-hard pains in the ass, however, as long as people "like" the girl you're describing has opportunity to "disturb" you... they will.

Since you are no longer friend nor roomies, let her "mental and personality issues" stay where they belong. With HER.

The "effects" of people are more intense than their bites. BUT if you are "available" to let them hinder you more than possibly "necessary"... then some of it your fault... She wanted to leave a lasting impression with you. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. Now you have alternatives, but they may not completely disable your negative "response" feelings but they may slightly alleviate them.

Life progresses in the most peculiar ways. Friends becoming foes are apart of that process. I'm not sure what your current outlets of relief/release are but remember that those peticular people really can't live proper full life when there is too much joy or happpiness around them cuz they may be without it on the inside.

"GRAY" clouds... definitely have a silver lining... you just may not want to scream it from the roof of the tallest building per say...

But ah... yea.. Moving forward may not be an easier task... but it is inevitable...

Feel Better

Q: My bf is really controlling. He always has to know where I am, what I'm doing, who I'm with, and everything. He controls like everything. If I end up being like 10 minutes late from when he told me to call him (like if I go out shopping and was suppose to call him at noon, but I call him at like 12:10) then he gets all angry and yells and screams and tells me I'm a really, really bad gf. I know this isn't healthy but I LOVE HIM. When he isn't mad at me then we have a really good time together. Is there something I can do to make him not controling and better understanding? Do I HAVE to dump him, because all my friends say he's just abusive and it'll get worse but he's everything to me. Help, please! What do I do?

There are many things you can do to make him "not controlling".. considering you "LOVE" for him... you can go and have NO life, NO joys, and NO interests, that he doesn't approve of. Of course this isn't my suggestion but if he's THAT important to you.. then following his pre-designed "requests"... should be a cakewalk.

Besides, if "ALL" of YOUR friends can't stand him, they all don't have the same motives for feeling that way...

My concern is if you actually:
love him,
scared of what he may do/feel if you "left" him, insecure of being alone, or insecure of whom he'll choose to be with afterwards?...

I'm not sure how old ya'll are but...

There are many things in life to be concerned about... what makes your list.. is on you.

Best Wishes

Q: There's this girl I hang out with a lot. We've known each other since we were little kids. We grew up together and we're both 15 now. For 4 years now I've fallen for her hard. I daydream of her all of the time. I dream of her at night. I can't get her out of my head. I love everything about her from the way she smiles to the smell of her hair when I'm close to her. I always seem to find myself making excuses to see her more often. I feel like I'm obsessed because my feelings for her are so strong I can't have a proper girlfriend (I always end up being distant to them, not really wanting to date them, and dumping them early on because of my lack of interest).

I've kept these feelings a secret but sometimes I think I should tell her. I'm afraid she won't feel the same though, and I'll end up ruining the friendship. I know I sound like such a wuss here but the emotions are so intense and I've kept them in so long.

What's the best thing to do in this particular situation? Should I tell her and risk everything? Should I keep this stuff bottled in?

Wow and damn.... At 15, I couldn't imagine having intense feelings that you seem to be exhibiting. It's damn near have you speaking all poetic and endearing.... It's nice. I'm assuming that you're a guy but you haven't actually stated it, so idk

But as per you're situation...

I would say that she may have some inkling of knowledge that you're really into her, but she may not know the depths of your feelings. So part of the weight on your shoulders should be lifted. Many a guy, don't relay there interests in females properly or at ALL because they are unsure if the feelings are mutual. (what a waste smh...)

Besides, females won't usually hang around guys they don't like. In some cases, she could like YOU already and YOU haven't seen/heard/noticed HER SIGNS of companionship because you can't get beyond your own anxieties of endearment.

Internalizing emotions as strong as your staing must be driving you insane... that's a no-go..

Considering that you've known her basically all your lives thus far... you should find an outlet where you can express your feelings without putting your friendship (if it's actually meaningful to you) on the line.

Since you can recall, the exact amount of time you consciencenciously (??spelling??) began developing feelings for her, I hope it wasn't over a negative situation. (meaning her lost= your gain kinda situation)... good things can come from these situations however, the catch 22 is that this "obseessive anxiety" thing within your may be harboring.... uh.. counter productive emotions/actions and motives & intentions. What is meant by this is... for example only...

IF she decided to date someone, before you decide to relinguish your feelings to/for her, would you fall apart? Would you damage your relationship with her "in a moment" that you're sure to regret? and how? IF so, that's counterproductive.

Especially, because it seems that although you may not be a long-term dater( your decision), you are serial dater just to get over NOT telling your friend, what's on your heart.

Just be aware, "IF" this is the case, she has emotions as well. As your friend AND as a prospective love interest... The longer you wait... the more opportunity you have to lose her interest in that "romantic" way...

Assuming that you'd like to avoid the "MOST" scary, unnerving place for a guy when he like a girl... find an outlet to tell her asap..

Or be forever stuck.... IN THE FRIEND ZONE...
(it's not that bad, but guys really, really, hate it). What they hate more, is if/when she giving the love she "could" have been giving to to another because you're deciding what's up between "YA'LL" by yourself..

Think it over.

Q: My mom got me a hamster for Christmas. He's really cute and I'm happy because I wanted a new pet for a long time. The hamster is kind of big and is black and white colored with a pink nose. I was wondering if anybody had some sort of cute Christmas names I could name him since I got him today (Christmas)? I'm not coming up with anything, and my mom is like, "Name him Santa!" so...any other ideas? Thanx

Even though, I've had many a pet in my household, I've never actually invested in having one to call my own. Our previous pets haven't had the "greatest" names but that's what made them part of the fam's inner circle.

As per sugeestions in consideration of Christmas:

All of Santa's Reindeer is always a start.

Noel,.... Kwanzaa (is kinda cool too),... Elf,... Claus(e),... Kris Kringle,... Manger,... Bethelhem (spelling off maybe?),... Star (North),.. Manorah (Jewish consideration),... Dredal (not sure if that's how it's spelled though),... (Christmas) "Eve", "Morning" or "Day",... Mirr,... Frankensense (??),... Gold,... Red,... Green,... Snow,... Winter,... December,.. Gift,... Present,... Reindeer... Chimney... Stocking,... Coal... Christmas

Well those all are all that I thought of @ the moment... Hope these suggestion help.

Q: 18/female

ok so i have this best friend, well i don't even know if i can call her that anymore...we've been best friends for two years, and like any normal set of best friends we've had our fair share of fights. The last year has been running pretty smoothly and we we're inseparable. Then she started tafe, she was doing a music course and she met this girl, they quickly became good friends and soon enough all i would hear about is how close she and this other girl were getting. they even started a band together, when my friend knew how much i wanted to be in a band with her. Months had past and i still hadn't met this other girl yet, but apparently we were ridiculously alike. So we met one day, and i became that awkward third wheel, they would bring up personal jokes between them two that i didnt understand and i felt awkward to say the least.

as the months began to pass, i was slowly fading into the background, the new girl was a better me then me, well thats what i feel like anyway. My friends band has become really successful and its only brought them two closer together. Me and this other girl tried to get along but she thought i was weird and whatnot and i found it hard to talk to her even though we were so much alike personality wise. my friend is no longer calling me her best friend and now i feel so alone and replaced. Just to top it all of the two of them keep on rubbing it in how awesome their band is every time i talk to them.

but what really upset me happened two days ago. Me and my friend first became best friends over the love of a band that not many other people liked two years ago, ever since that day we went to see them in concert we had attended every single one of that bands gigs and meet and greets. So anyway i went to this gig unsure of whether she was going or not. only to get there and see her there with my replacement. the one special thing we used to do together and now it was no more. Just to top it all off, i had an AMAZING experience talking to the band members, as one of them that i have a little thing for actually remembered me. This was a HUGE deal to me because they see thousands upon thousands of faces every day, yet he remembered mine. After i had finished talking to them (and holding up the cue i might add) i waited and watched as my friend and her new bestie went and talked to them, the then came over and i told them that Bradie remembered me. they then rubbed it in that the band was obsessed with their band and that they were listening to their song on the car trip to the meet and greet.

The whole car trip home i had to listen to them talk about how awesome there band is and making my experience seem like nothing, when it meant the world to me. I just don't know what to do really. I mean its really hard for me to make friends and whatnot. I'd love to start a band too, on a side note so i can at least pursue that. Do i still even make an attempt to hang out with her?

In breakdown mode...Its seems that you and your friend have outgrown each other, for no "apparent" reason (stated or otherwise), or at least she's "outgrown" your previous friendship. It suited her for a period of time and for some reason... it doesn't any longer. I agree the transition is not fair to you but you shouldn't have to live trying to read every emotion of another (aka ur ex bestie). Especially when they're not, looking into the best interests between the both of you.

If possible, I would say remove yourself from the fold. If you "feel" like a third wheel around them... it's probably intentional. (unless you find a way to even the field, of course..)

Another thing? During your previous friendship, was either of you, like the "spotlight" of your group? It may be nothing... but then again...(shrug*)

I ask because some people........ needs certain kinds of attentions. This really impacts people actions and reasoning skills.

I know you mention, that making friends is a little difficult for you and all, but would you truly like to attempt to rekindle what you've already stated has been "replaced" with someone that "replaced" you?
I don't believe that's the greatest idea (totally against it...)
but if that IS your preference... then I would suggest that you make a playdate with all "3" of you and introduce your thoughts on the matter in full. Then request the audience of your former bestie alone to reiterate & review (keep notice of the "better you" as you do this, cuz she'll set the tone as to whether this 3way bestie friendship is possible... or not considering your friend still would like a friendship with you of course).

OR
Maybe you can invite the "other you" out with you... without your former best friend, to just shoot the breeze and learn more about each other. I'm sure you can create some insides jokes as well naturally. Talk about the band and whatnot.

Be forewarned that reamining in this friendship can get a bit... intertwined.

As for the band, considering that you weren't asked to join their band..... It would be likely that you should invest your time in creating one that personally satisfies your musical needs and personal happiness.

Lastly, I would like for you to consider this for yourself,
"If you had a "boyfriend" for two years and he did the same exact thing as your friend did by substituting you for another female, would you consider remaining in that relationship?" Hope not

Q: Hey! I'm a fifteen year old girl, sophomore. Okay well the thing, I have this thing where I get really uncomfortable with people man handling me... Haha I'm around 5'5 and I wiegh a little over a hundred pounds (106?) so I'm not big and I'm not strong. See I wasnt exactly raped but oneof my ex boyfriends did force me to give him a hj and held ne down and fingered me against my will. He also hit me a few times.. Only my closest friends know about this. Its just made me really paranoid when a guy grabs me... I'm scared (irrationally,probably) that they'll do something to me even if it's one of my friends and were out in public.. My immediate response is I just shut down. I basically try to make myself as small as possible and shut my eyes and then it gets hard to breathe. I just don't know what to do. And I have one guy friend thar does this a lot and it really freaks me out, just the smallest thing like holding me back from getting shotgun... I don't wanna tell ppl what happened to me but they'll get suspicious of me being so uncomfortable with such a small thing... What's wrong with ne and what do I do??

Ok.. you're young but that doesn't entitle you NOT to like something, especially when it has a bad memory attached to it. YOU ARE NOT PARANOID NOR IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU!

Yes, you are a bit afraid of being in personal situations WITHOUT your consent. I'm going to presume... that you were unable to avoid or evacuate the situation with your ex. But seriously, its only because you believed you couldn't overpower or outsmart him. Whether this is true or not, guys do have... tendencies to want things that are not theirs, problems with rejection and dealing with circumstances that they are not allowed to have females and our feminine parts.

Depending on your situation, it can be a good thing to tell the people you're involved with and around about your prior situation. However, it is not a necessity.... unless speaking with the proper figure heads of authority (meaning people with power driven to CORRECT "improper" conduct(s)).

The other thing is... HARASSMENT is greatly discouraged.... however it is NOT "non-existent". If you've expressed to your "friend" that you don't appreciate his "man-handling" aggressive nature towards you and he ignores it, it now considered HARASSMENT. If it is not welcomed, it is embarassing and DOES make you feel quite improper. Overall, it's still WRONG.

I'll leave what I don't mention to other advice personnel, but... you can either continue to feel the way you do when this happens or you find a way not to allow it.

Q: I am so nervous. A couple of days weeks ago this cute guy started to like me and then we started to go out. So far we have only kissed on the lips, and that was very easy. However the other day he started to try and kiss with his tongue. I had no clue what to do so I acted like I had to go. But I know the next time I see him hes going to want to do the same thing again. And I wasn't to! I just don't know how to. Can you help?

First off, let me start by saying, your tale is so adorable. You almost can't buy simple innocence like that....

With that being said, seems to me that you're a newbie to the bases. 1st base... Kissing... (ah memories...) anyways, I could go on and say "It's all pretty easy".. But that's not exactly true. Learning to be comfortable (specifically and generally) is a process and it's NOT a school subject (predominantly because everyone is different...) However, in some way you have to visualize going through this process with your b/f, "IF" thats who you'd like to be your first french/tongue kiss to be with. Don't rush into it, but learn to enjoy it and it's importance at the same time.

Many would suggest that you practice on a pillow or kissing a girl friend and experiment that way. I fully believe, that you already have the techniques and movie scenes embedded in your head anyways... So when you're ready, go for it. If not, let him in on the secret that you're not an expert. (Don't "say" you're a newbie or beginner though...smh.) Only because, guys... eh... have a tendancy not to be great teachers as they are to being opened to new things. They go hand in hand....

Don't go too hard though, its a terrible, terrible, TERRIBLE thing to NOT know how to kiss properly. Even worse when you don't attempt or learn to. Don't be nervous either, you might just find that you may not like the way he kisses. So he has just as much invested as you do.

In the end... you're not as clueless as you believe.

Q: i'm a 18 year old girl and I am having some problems.. does anyone have any advice on how i get get over bad memories?? they arent my mistakes.. its just bad things like parents fighting, breakups, bad grade etc.

I realized that i'm always in such a bad/sad mood and i always find my self thinking about past memories that make me sad or put me in a bad mood.. sometimes i even feel anxiety. my chest beats really fast and i feel nervous and my stomach aches.. i don't know what to do.. i feel like i can't breathe.

does anyone have any advice for me? please..

Suggestions??

Everytime your have a really bad mood or memory, counter it by remembering a good one. Let the good memory have the same people, places, and things as the bad memory. Or at least an "overwhelming" feeling that counter the feeling of sadness in a good way. I suggest making the counter memories funny. For example...

"Parents Fighting?"
Counter it, with you having a real proud moment of them, or a time when they did something truly hilarious together.

"Bad Breakup?"
Some are easier to get over than others, but from what I'm told crushing on another prospect may be all it takes. Depending on whether you're the dumped or dumpee, remember the reason(s) your relationship fell apart.
Sometimes... you can see why it was a bad match-up in the first place, and why you ignored the signals and red flags for the person you did.
Most of the time, you find out a lot more about yourself.

A Riskier Suggestion? (re:bad memories...)
You do have a choice to making them sadder, in order to remember how 'NOT" to feel about certain situations ever again. It's a way to "force" yourself to not to make the "same" mistakes, over and over and over again. This is riskier, because you "should" have a emotional and mental support system around you to handle/contradict being extremely sad/emotionally withdraws and depressed. The possibilty that you may not, IS the risk.

Now as for Physical Symptoms...
like the anxieties, the stomaches and breathing, it's mostly your nervous system and brainwaves working together in overtime. They can either be used as an adrenaline rush to pushed through a wall you've built around certain things, your body's way of telling you RELAX "OR" they're way of telling you to get the hell out of dodge!

If you need a breath of fresh air? Go get some air.
If you need to take a seat? Sit down.
If you need to vent by ranting inwardly or outloud? Make that possible as quick as possible.

Think of it this way... Fight, Flight, Land or Retreat. All battles are not wars and all wars don't have battles. The strength to decide lies within you.

Hope the suggestions contributes to making better memories that outnumber the bad ones.

Q: I am The husband of a wonderful and understanding wife. As i write this i feel it necessary to inform all of you of a few things first. I am not a religious person I have my own faiths about god and morality but as open minded as I try to be I am at a loss and am coming to you all as a last resort.
My wife and I had discussed for a long time the possibility of including other people in are sex life and before long it became a reality. We stepped in to a new experience unaware of the out come. Are experience was with another couple, people we trusted, people that we knew would be open to the idea. Initially I was the one to bring it up but without hesitation everyone jumped at the idea. In the end we had swapped partners. The first time we were all intoxicated and it went seemingly well. After however I had began to have doubts and shared them with my wife. Although I was unsure of how to react after many discussions I had felt that it was necessary to do it again this time with a clear and sober mind. So my wife and I and our friends decided to go for it. Now before I continue I want to say that we entered into this activity with the agreement that if it was uncomfortable with any party involved we would stop and that there would not be any pressure to do it again. That being said we tried again this time instead of us all being in the same room we decided to separate.
I was unable to become comfortable enough with the situation to complete the task at hand. My wife and the other man involved were able to reach that level of comfort and enjoyed themselves thoroughly. At the end of the second time I knew that these activities were not meant for me and expressed my discomfort to my wife with the preconceived notion that there would not be any pressure to perform that sexual feat again. What I did not know then is that my wife enjoyed it so much and she was unable to identify with me in that regard so she produced the thought that we would do it again but I would just need time to come around.
Shortly after the experiences I decided to see a therapist not because f the experience by its self but more just because of the way my life was going. After many sessions we came to the above mentioned topic. It had become relevant again because my wife had decided to go hang out with the guy that had been involved now that by itself did not bother me what bothered me is that she would not discuss and was actively trying to hide what had been said during a conversation via text message. Eventually after a short debate she offered the content of the conversation to me and it was nothing that directly bothered me because I know this guy to be very strange and playful in regards to sexual content. My wife how ever thought that It would elicit an undesirable emotional response which it did but not because of the content her assumption that it would bother me bothered me more than the content its self.
Through this conversation and the one that followed with my therapist I decided that I needed to have a very serious conversation with my wife so that we could get on to the same page about the issue at hand. Over the next few hours my wife and I talked screamed yelled cried but no matter what we did we could not get on the same page. Leaving us with this decision either we stay together and one of us resents the other or we separate and we both resent each other. We have both expressed or feelings fully about the subject matter. And she wants to sleep with other people and encourages me to do the same (which I can and will not) and I want us to only sleep with each other. I do not know what to do I am lost and cannot see the way out I lover her to much to leave and I love my self to much to leave.
If there is anyone out there that has been through this or something similar please respond.
If you have read this far thank you.

WHOA and WOW..

First off... let me say I have not experience what you gone thru but I had my share of mixing sex partners with friends and associates. However, it has crossed my mind that if I was in a committed relationship with a guy, would I actually indulge him in certain fantasies...

With that being said... Depending on our maturity levels and the type of commitments we would have established, I don't think this is an option after marriage though. Dating period??.. Maybe. Post marriage.. HELL NO

Concerning your situation though, UNDERSTAND THAT YOU DO NOT HAVE AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR WIFE... You are a classed as a MUTALLY SWINGING COUPLE. Because you wife has continued having relations with a other man? (regardless of it being a mutual friend with your recognition and permission.. (really though?? smh)she has made it an open relationship.

Do you think that there is no side converations going on without your attendance and permission and knowledge.. No one continually has sex and speaks no words whatsoever. You've opened Pandora's Box and now you'd like to control the contents? Sounds unrealistic. I know being open minded and accepting is great for all relationships, but certain "areas of indulgences and entertainment" EXPIRE during the course of a relationship. Yes, like a coupon... They EXPIRE

Even though you are not a traditional couple in this regard, there was a pre-agreed upon concensus that "IF EITHER OF YOU WERE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THE SITUATION? THEN IT WOULD END!"

As a female myself, I definitely promote complete sexual satisfaction (with extents included), but as one half of a MARRIAGE, for either party to "WANT" to only sleep with each other ONLY, shouldn't be a request or a desire.

I am unable, further suggest what should have and be going through your mind.

My only question is... Was this love for your wife what prompted you to experiement with another couple in the first place?

If not, then how could it be the "bottom line" reason to keep you unhappy?...

Q: I am a 47 year old man that has been into and out of marriage three times. None of them lasted over a year. I am a recovering alcoholic with two years sobriety. I am dating a wonderful 44 year old woman, Diane, with nine years sobriety. She actively works the program. I do not, but would like to. She has two children.
She has not let me meet them yet (2 months into the relationship) because she wants to take it slow. Here is my problem. I have a problem with overthinking issues. If she doesn't text, I think she doesn't care. If she isn't exhausted after sex, I think I didn't satisfy her. I could go on but I think you get my meaning. I think I have a personality disorder. I am diagnosed depressed and am on medication. I have also been buying her things without reason.
I care deeply for her and want to work this thru. She thinks I am controlling. Is my worrying and caring a form of controlling? What should I do?
Dave

I'm not sure if your gonna get this but I have different views.. (somewhat)

To me, generally... to care for someone IS to some extent a form of control. Your actions and the other person's awareness of the being in a caring situations, silently bonds people thoughts, actions and limits certain freedoms by having them second guess their own decisions in order to comply with the acceptability guidelines of the other. This is neither here no there, its only a "MASSIVE" problem when it's obsessive, bordering pyschotic...

However, I do not think this is your actual problem. You've been married & DIVORCED 3 freaking times. You are ready to settle with someone and BE SURE that its not a phase or passing wind. The facy that you have been diagnosed and treating depression, it a clear sign that you've experienced some pains in this life.

I do believe that you have former bad habits lingering around the surface of your life. The fact that you are able to acknowledge your weaker points and address them with concern, care, responsibilty, and fear of losing yet ANOTHER woman in your life means that you are already AWARE that this is true.

You have previous disappointments that needs attention from your current mate. Unfornately, the constant care that you require to restore your bits of sanity that your previous relationships took from you, are not being met.

Hope this theory, provides you a resolution.

Q: 16/F

My sister was recently diagnosed with severe depression. I mean, I knew she was a little depressed because she always came into my room to talk to me. I tried to cheer her up and it worked, but only for a little bit. We talked a lot and we're really close. I was terrified the other night because she made a suicide attempt and it scared me so badly. I didn't know what to do. At first, I just thought she did it because she was angry with my mom, who got after her for wiping a can lid on my face after I accidentally spilled some soup on her. However, the more I think about it, the more I realized that the diagnosis is right. It's making me feel so broken up and terrible. I tried to help her, really I did and now I don't really know what to do. It doesn't help that the doctors won't let me see her! I miss her my sister sooo much and it's interfering with everything in my life and I feel really crushed. Please, help!

Depending on whether your sister is the eldest or the youngest may matter as per her current state of mind.
Older usually involves more freedoms and liberties, but even more responsibilities, gradual concerns of life and the immediate future. As the younger sister, she may feel overwhelmed by the inabilities to being her own individual person without being criticized about her every little action.

Regardless, of age though, your sister may not feel important within your family as a whole or in life. "If" theres a problem concerning your mother and your sister or within the house, (given that its a proper facility...), the time away from the house, may be a start. She obviously is not trying to get away from you so don't take it toooo personally.

Was there an event in her life that triggered this "depression" of hers? If so, it may not be the greatest tactic to share her pain, even though you would like to alleviate it altogether.

Considering the attepmt on her on own life, she does need to be under the supervision of professionals.. for now. At least until a conclusion is presented or her problem is resolved.

As for you... you are not in need of any help. You are dealing with the situations that arise as best as possible. Besides, you knowing your sister prior to her current condition, ALREADY KNOW she would not like YOU to be too concerned to the point where YOUR own life falls apart. (I'm gathering that is the type of sisterhood you share). So, let this event conclude with you pulled together and her willingness to look beyond whats making her sad today.

Q: (I am fifteen/F my ex is sixteen/M) My ex and I had a really messy breakup. Right before summer started. Over the summer we both did our share of hurtful stuff. He was a jerk, I was a bitch... so on and so forth. I used to blame the entire relationship failure on him. But looking back on it, I see something completely different. I've realized how much I've changed since we broke up but now... I'm looking bakc and I realize that when I changed was when I was dating him. The last two months I became a different person. I was clingy and stupid and whipped and I honestly can't blame him for a lot of things I used to... When I realized this last weekend we were already on okay ish terms. Not really though. I apologized for all the stuff I jsut explained and he admitted he still thought about "us" sometimes. And he we had a nice conversation... I guess. But then he stopped replying. And I tried texting him yesterday and got two answers "yup" "yeah I guess" and then no reply. And I just don't get it... I thought we were okay? I don't know... There is SOOOOO much shit just looming above us still because there were things he did that weren't my fault and that hurt me and I just want to talk to him but I htink he hates me... Ugh I don't know.... I want to talk to him again, like in person but we havent had a real in person conversation since we broke up. Like seven months ago... and we dated for like seven months... we went to third. I still like him or I htink so. GOD I'm just so confused and I don't know what to do. None of this makes sense and I'm miserable... Please help....

How is it that you "want him" exactly?

Do you want him back as your b/f, sexually or the closure of talking through the problems of your former relationship?

Also, it is not clear to as whether you love this guy or just miss him being your companion either?

And I'm unaware of the "hurtful stuff" ya'll both did to each other, but it seems to have "resentment towards you" on his part all over it.

From your statements, I believe that you are confused because you do have some clingy tendencies left over from that relationship. Which is common. SO... you just need to exhale and try not to push too hard into something you may not fully understand. It might do more harm than good. Besides, it's been seven months or so since you've broken up, maybe it's just that he is interested or involved with someone else currently.

Answer the questions pertaining to you first though... one-by-one. Like what is it that YOU want?
Once you gained the clearness needed to NOT be "confused and miserable", THEN you contact him. But not with the heavy stuff just yet. Let him know that you still care about him "without" bombarding all the emotions still lingering. From there... its a day at a time.

Q: I'm 28, female

Ok, so this is a partially love/partially friendship topic so sorry for the long back-story thank you for your time!

My ex-boyfriend (my first love/sex/kiss) and I dated for 5 formative years until we finally fizzled out and decided we needed to date around since at 22 and 23 we felt like an old couple. We honestly stopped being in love but neither of us hurt the other one or cheated or anything-it just died and we're still very close.

We get along extremely well, we can tell each other anything and I often confide in him and seek out his advice-even on relationships! I've always expected that we would remain friends for our entire lives and my current boyfriend of 4 years accepts him and enjoys his company.

Everything was great until he met his now fiance. It's not that she sucks or anything- in fact, since he's been with her, I've only managed to see her once even though my ex and I keep some of the same circle of friends in our hometown, so I haven't had the chance to form an opinion of her. Since they started dating, he has distanced himself greatly and I rarely get to see him in person anymore.

I've received a "save the date" thing for their wedding and I really want to go-it looks fun and I wouldn't dream of missing one of my best friend's weddings! It would break my heart to miss it!

Unfortunately though, I've heard through a mutual friend of ours that the fiance hates me and they've fought a great deal over inviting me-she didn't want me to be there, but apparently he won.

This has been very hurtful for me. Ive never said anything bad about her and I don't really think meeting her one time calls for it. Actually, I think she must be a very cool, smart, and kind person if he would choose to share his life with her. I still very much want to remain friends with my ex and I desperately want his wife-to-be to accept me and the weird (it must be difficult to understand) platonic relationship I have with her fiance, and also, I really want to become her friend too!

I know that if she just spent more time with the two of us she would sense the true nature of our relationship and her mind would be put at ease. I know I can win her over if I just get the chance! However, obviously the reason I barely see him is because she's not cool with it so we don't really have a chance.

It sucks. I seriously care about him SO much-not romantically or sexually but definitely on a deep level.
He is my oldest close friend (10 years) and he means more to me than I could possibly express.

So, the real question:

Should I go to their wedding when I now know that she doesn't want me to be there?

Is it wrong for me to pretend as though I don't know this and press for the chance to spend time with her beforehand in order to win her over?

What can I do to reduce the awkwardness if I go to the event?
Bring my boyfriend?
Sit at the back?
Try to look crappy at the wedding?

Thank you guys!

You seem to have a pretty good handle on the overall sensitive situations involve with your friendship..

Ideally, yes, it should your "first" alternative to make her comfortable with your presence, however all avenues in which you would want to impress/change another person ideas about you.. may be a bit redundant, harmful and counterproductive. She already don't like you because you have an "influence" "over AND in" her future. This is obviously something she would rather not share. Especially, not with you. As you paint it, you had the perfect relationship with her future husband, now ya'll are bestie's post-breakup, you're in a current relationship (happily I presume) "AND" your current b/f is secure with you relationship with your ex on level that not only does he accept its continuance... but it growth with him INCLUDED. Wow!! Your situation, is damn near thought to be impossible and NOT COMMON. (excluding the obvious 3/4's of the ppl involve is okay with it)

However, HER "uncomfortability" is COMMON. Your ex/friend/her fiance won the arguement about your invite to the wedding because she has no option but continue evolving in her adulthood if she loves and wants to marry him. She wouldn't want to jeopardizied her relationship by having him reconsider the woman he's about to make vows to...

If this thing is really as tidy and simply cut as you put it, then you really can't put any more effort in trying to resolve her insecuritites WITHIN HER involving ya'll friendship. All you can do is remain open to the change is she decides to change at all. (Also, don't allout accept everything she does in the case SHE DOES BECOME... overly acceptable of this.)

Being naive, isn't a recommendation.... for either party

With that in mind, you should go. Assuming that the invite INCLUDES your boyfriend as well (of course.. right?).
Think about it, I mean they don't have you participating IN the wedding anyway.(and for better or for worse ... he could have pushed that idea as well cuz I'm sure it crossed his mind...)

Because unless you withdraw yourself from the entire situation and drop the totally intact "fromance" you've estabished with your ex. She's gonna have to continued to deal with her issues ANYWAY as long as she remains his bride AND/OR you guys remain friends. Don't pull any dumb antics either, if you do choose to attend. It would further her ideas that you intrude in their relationship, on HER most important day. ( MIDDLE SEATS, GROOM SIDE, Non-sleazy wedding reception outfit)
If there is awkwardness, let it infiltrate in from the opposite end, concerning their relationship. This bubble with her will explode... eventually. Alleviate being the obstacle by being the "obvious" solution.

HER ISSUES does not = YOUR ISSUES

Q: Where do I start. In May or 09 I met a guy (online yes). We were just talking and friends whatnot. We hit it off pretty well, and exchanged cell numbers and would text a lot. By January of 2010 I started to develop really strong feelings I guess.

I told him that I liked him, and he told me that since it was just online my feelings couldn't be real, but he was flattered.

to make this as short as possible.The next couple of months, I'd practically speak to him every single day. Except for June, when he had a crush on a girl for the month and pretty much stopped talking to me. When that didn't work out, he came back to me, telling me how much he missed me and then ultimately dropped the L-bomb on me. Saying that he loved me more than a friend but not romantically, because "it'll never be" (talk about being stabbed in the heart) He said he loved me intimately..?

I, of course, told him I loved him back. Which I'm 90% sure I do love him back. But I can't help but think that he's only saying that just so I would "stay by his side" (metaphorically of course) It seems like when he's lonely, or something. Just recently he sent a heart and said 'Mine looks more real, it reflects my true love for you' And then after that he always starts to get distant, and indirectly makes comments that I need to find boyfriend (or a girlfriend -_-)and get over him.

My question is. How do I get over him? I can't block him, I'd feel too terrible, but how do I back away. I've already turned off my facebook chat because of him. Sometimes I even avoid my msn, because of him. I just can't shake the feeling that he's the one I might want to spend my life with, but also can't shake the feeling that he's just using me as a fill-in until he finds somebody else.

We're not together, nor have we ever been together. And he's all I think about all the time. I just want a feeling of peace without him in my mind.

I'm SURE I could find a story to make you feel like I relate to you and your story personally. But then again, you wouldn"t have come on here and post your tribulation and trials to a bunch of strangers outside of your personal friend circle. So this is gonna be a straight shot answer.

You've wrote this posted several days ago. Have you REREAD OUT LOUD to yourself? You should. Now imagine, you are not the poster of it. You are the replier. You'll see that you've stated all the red flags and power plays and the intelligence you have to distinguish how each move made, was purposeful. This guy is a LONELY HEARTS PREDATOR. Which makes you his prey. Know matter the insecurity... Let this not be a continued example of you "Living Life"... Okay?