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should I go to my ex's wedding when I know his fiance doesn't want me to?
I'm 28, female
Ok, so this is a partially love/partially friendship topic so sorry for the long back-story thank you for your time!
My ex-boyfriend (my first love/sex/kiss) and I dated for 5 formative years until we finally fizzled out and decided we needed to date around since at 22 and 23 we felt like an old couple. We honestly stopped being in love but neither of us hurt the other one or cheated or anything-it just died and we're still very close.
We get along extremely well, we can tell each other anything and I often confide in him and seek out his advice-even on relationships! I've always expected that we would remain friends for our entire lives and my current boyfriend of 4 years accepts him and enjoys his company.
Everything was great until he met his now fiance. It's not that she sucks or anything- in fact, since he's been with her, I've only managed to see her once even though my ex and I keep some of the same circle of friends in our hometown, so I haven't had the chance to form an opinion of her. Since they started dating, he has distanced himself greatly and I rarely get to see him in person anymore.
I've received a "save the date" thing for their wedding and I really want to go-it looks fun and I wouldn't dream of missing one of my best friend's weddings! It would break my heart to miss it!
Unfortunately though, I've heard through a mutual friend of ours that the fiance hates me and they've fought a great deal over inviting me-she didn't want me to be there, but apparently he won.
This has been very hurtful for me. Ive never said anything bad about her and I don't really think meeting her one time calls for it. Actually, I think she must be a very cool, smart, and kind person if he would choose to share his life with her. I still very much want to remain friends with my ex and I desperately want his wife-to-be to accept me and the weird (it must be difficult to understand) platonic relationship I have with her fiance, and also, I really want to become her friend too!
I know that if she just spent more time with the two of us she would sense the true nature of our relationship and her mind would be put at ease. I know I can win her over if I just get the chance! However, obviously the reason I barely see him is because she's not cool with it so we don't really have a chance.
It sucks. I seriously care about him SO much-not romantically or sexually but definitely on a deep level.
He is my oldest close friend (10 years) and he means more to me than I could possibly express.
So, the real question:
Should I go to their wedding when I now know that she doesn't want me to be there?
Is it wrong for me to pretend as though I don't know this and press for the chance to spend time with her beforehand in order to win her over?
What can I do to reduce the awkwardness if I go to the event?
Bring my boyfriend?
Sit at the back?
Try to look crappy at the wedding?
Thank you guys!
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Chill out. Your intensity about this situation is way out of whack with reality. If I were his fiancé I'd be concerned that he had an ex out there who was putting so much energy into this.
You were invited.
You were asked to attend.
You don’t KNOW she doesn’t want you there. You heard gossip. As reliable as that gossip might be – it’s still just gossip. What you do KNOW is that you were invited. What you KNOW is that you were asked to attend.
What you suspect is that she might not be thrilled about it, and you know what: There is always someone at every wedding or party that you aren’t necessarily thrilled about having there. That doesn’t mean you don’t invite your red-neck uncle Sam or your best friend from college who dresses like a skank all the time. You probably still invite them, and accept they are who they are.
You are his ex, and his friend. By inviting you, you’ve been accepted for who you are.
Send your old friend a message telling him how happy you for both of them and expressing your support and excitement about the big day. If you would like – invite them out for a dinner or drink as your treat to celebrate.
If they fought about it or not is really none of your business AT ALL unless your friend brings it up with you - you are invited and it's would be polite and friendly to go. Bring your boyfriend - just like you would to any other friend’s wedding. Dress pretty and respectable - just like you would to any other friend’s wedding.
Don't try to ‘win her over’. That would be presumptuous and belittling. Just buy them a great gift and write a lovely note to congratulate two wonderful people on finding each other and relax!
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The best thing to do would be just relax and be yourself. You should probably bring your boyfriend. So the bride doest get ideas your moving in on the Groom. Just be your self and act natural. Everything will go fine.
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You seem to have a pretty good handle on the overall sensitive situations involve with your friendship..
Ideally, yes, it should your "first" alternative to make her comfortable with your presence, however all avenues in which you would want to impress/change another person ideas about you.. may be a bit redundant, harmful and counterproductive. She already don't like you because you have an "influence" "over AND in" her future. This is obviously something she would rather not share. Especially, not with you. As you paint it, you had the perfect relationship with her future husband, now ya'll are bestie's post-breakup, you're in a current relationship (happily I presume) "AND" your current b/f is secure with you relationship with your ex on level that not only does he accept its continuance... but it growth with him INCLUDED. Wow!! Your situation, is damn near thought to be impossible and NOT COMMON. (excluding the obvious 3/4's of the ppl involve is okay with it)
However, HER "uncomfortability" is COMMON. Your ex/friend/her fiance won the arguement about your invite to the wedding because she has no option but continue evolving in her adulthood if she loves and wants to marry him. She wouldn't want to jeopardizied her relationship by having him reconsider the woman he's about to make vows to...
If this thing is really as tidy and simply cut as you put it, then you really can't put any more effort in trying to resolve her insecuritites WITHIN HER involving ya'll friendship. All you can do is remain open to the change is she decides to change at all. (Also, don't allout accept everything she does in the case SHE DOES BECOME... overly acceptable of this.)
Being naive, isn't a recommendation.... for either party
With that in mind, you should go. Assuming that the invite INCLUDES your boyfriend as well (of course.. right?).
Think about it, I mean they don't have you participating IN the wedding anyway.(and for better or for worse ... he could have pushed that idea as well cuz I'm sure it crossed his mind...)
Because unless you withdraw yourself from the entire situation and drop the totally intact "fromance" you've estabished with your ex. She's gonna have to continued to deal with her issues ANYWAY as long as she remains his bride AND/OR you guys remain friends. Don't pull any dumb antics either, if you do choose to attend. It would further her ideas that you intrude in their relationship, on HER most important day. ( MIDDLE SEATS, GROOM SIDE, Non-sleazy wedding reception outfit)
If there is awkwardness, let it infiltrate in from the opposite end, concerning their relationship. This bubble with her will explode... eventually. Alleviate being the obstacle by being the "obvious" solution.
HER ISSUES does not = YOUR ISSUES
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Hello!
Here's what I think, I'll break it down.
Firstly, I give you A LOT of credit. For wanting to get to know her, for respecting their relationship. Not many women do that these days, they rarely want to get to know the woman or man by their best friend's side. So that should be a HUGE plus for her in regards to how she views you.
I can understand why she feels threatened though. You guys had a serious relationship, know each other inside and out, and have been intimate. Still, I see no reason as to why she should dislike you if you haven't done anything wrong while they have been dating/got engaged.
Coming from personal experience, I wouldn't advise trying to hang out with just her and him... She might feel left out, like a third wheel, and judging by the way she is acting that's exactly how it might turn out... You can try to do a group outing, perhaps it can work well if she sees that you're cool with everyone, and that you're not there to get close to her fiance. Personally, I think you should definitely let your best friend know how much you want to meet her, how she seems like a great person, and that a group outing would be fun. Why should she feel threatned if everyone is bringing their own friends to hang out?
-What can I do to reduce the awkwardness if I go to the event?
Bring my boyfriend? Yes, that would be nice. Why not?
Sit at the back? I mean, you don't have to sit all the way in the back. Sit somewhere in between so they both see how happy you are for them.
Try to look crappy at the wedding? That;s not necessary, but follow the general guidelines. Don't try to stick out, don't wear white, etc. It's her day, and his too. The less she feels threatned, the more comfortable she'll be. Know your boundaries :) I'm sure you do.
I hope I've helped! Good luck!
-Uniq
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