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Caring or Controlling
I am a 47 year old man that has been into and out of marriage three times. None of them lasted over a year. I am a recovering alcoholic with two years sobriety. I am dating a wonderful 44 year old woman, Diane, with nine years sobriety. She actively works the program. I do not, but would like to. She has two children.
She has not let me meet them yet (2 months into the relationship) because she wants to take it slow. Here is my problem. I have a problem with overthinking issues. If she doesn't text, I think she doesn't care. If she isn't exhausted after sex, I think I didn't satisfy her. I could go on but I think you get my meaning. I think I have a personality disorder. I am diagnosed depressed and am on medication. I have also been buying her things without reason.
I care deeply for her and want to work this thru. She thinks I am controlling. Is my worrying and caring a form of controlling? What should I do?
Dave
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I'm not sure if your gonna get this but I have different views.. (somewhat)
To me, generally... to care for someone IS to some extent a form of control. Your actions and the other person's awareness of the being in a caring situations, silently bonds people thoughts, actions and limits certain freedoms by having them second guess their own decisions in order to comply with the acceptability guidelines of the other. This is neither here no there, its only a "MASSIVE" problem when it's obsessive, bordering pyschotic...
However, I do not think this is your actual problem. You've been married & DIVORCED 3 freaking times. You are ready to settle with someone and BE SURE that its not a phase or passing wind. The facy that you have been diagnosed and treating depression, it a clear sign that you've experienced some pains in this life.
I do believe that you have former bad habits lingering around the surface of your life. The fact that you are able to acknowledge your weaker points and address them with concern, care, responsibilty, and fear of losing yet ANOTHER woman in your life means that you are already AWARE that this is true.
You have previous disappointments that needs attention from your current mate. Unfornately, the constant care that you require to restore your bits of sanity that your previous relationships took from you, are not being met.
Hope this theory, provides you a resolution.
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Yes – The kind of obsessive concern you describe here is a form of trying to exert control over another person’s feelings, experiences and actions. You might mean to be caring, but it’s actually quite coercive and unkind. It's a classic way of trying to maintain the illusion of complete control, and it’s a pain in the ass for others to be around.
You seem to be aware that your responses to her being tired or busy aren't rational or fair. It shouldn't take much more to recongize that having irrational expectations and responses, or being unfair in your expectations, is a good way to push a partner away.
It's good that you have reached out to medical support, but if you are truly interested in combating your behavioural problems, your best bet is one on one therapy. Whether you have a personality disorder or not, you certainly do have work to do treat your partner as an equal in the relationship, and to exist in a more peaceful and respectful way in your relationship.
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