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Open Relationship Disaster
I am The husband of a wonderful and understanding wife. As i write this i feel it necessary to inform all of you of a few things first. I am not a religious person I have my own faiths about god and morality but as open minded as I try to be I am at a loss and am coming to you all as a last resort.
My wife and I had discussed for a long time the possibility of including other people in are sex life and before long it became a reality. We stepped in to a new experience unaware of the out come. Are experience was with another couple, people we trusted, people that we knew would be open to the idea. Initially I was the one to bring it up but without hesitation everyone jumped at the idea. In the end we had swapped partners. The first time we were all intoxicated and it went seemingly well. After however I had began to have doubts and shared them with my wife. Although I was unsure of how to react after many discussions I had felt that it was necessary to do it again this time with a clear and sober mind. So my wife and I and our friends decided to go for it. Now before I continue I want to say that we entered into this activity with the agreement that if it was uncomfortable with any party involved we would stop and that there would not be any pressure to do it again. That being said we tried again this time instead of us all being in the same room we decided to separate.
I was unable to become comfortable enough with the situation to complete the task at hand. My wife and the other man involved were able to reach that level of comfort and enjoyed themselves thoroughly. At the end of the second time I knew that these activities were not meant for me and expressed my discomfort to my wife with the preconceived notion that there would not be any pressure to perform that sexual feat again. What I did not know then is that my wife enjoyed it so much and she was unable to identify with me in that regard so she produced the thought that we would do it again but I would just need time to come around.
Shortly after the experiences I decided to see a therapist not because f the experience by its self but more just because of the way my life was going. After many sessions we came to the above mentioned topic. It had become relevant again because my wife had decided to go hang out with the guy that had been involved now that by itself did not bother me what bothered me is that she would not discuss and was actively trying to hide what had been said during a conversation via text message. Eventually after a short debate she offered the content of the conversation to me and it was nothing that directly bothered me because I know this guy to be very strange and playful in regards to sexual content. My wife how ever thought that It would elicit an undesirable emotional response which it did but not because of the content her assumption that it would bother me bothered me more than the content its self.
Through this conversation and the one that followed with my therapist I decided that I needed to have a very serious conversation with my wife so that we could get on to the same page about the issue at hand. Over the next few hours my wife and I talked screamed yelled cried but no matter what we did we could not get on the same page. Leaving us with this decision either we stay together and one of us resents the other or we separate and we both resent each other. We have both expressed or feelings fully about the subject matter. And she wants to sleep with other people and encourages me to do the same (which I can and will not) and I want us to only sleep with each other. I do not know what to do I am lost and cannot see the way out I lover her to much to leave and I love my self to much to leave.
If there is anyone out there that has been through this or something similar please respond.
If you have read this far thank you.
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Wittyusername is basically right in suggesting that couples therapy is in order. It may not work, but you ought to at least give it a shot.
That said, I think you need to brace yourself for the possibility that Rahzie is right, here, and that Adviceman is possibly a little too optimistic. If she likes swinging and you don't - that's a BIG sexual difference. It's not really comparable to spanking. It's not likely that she's going to suddenly stop liking swinging if you just find the right therapist. You can probably find a conservative, sex-negative therapist who will do his/her best to convince your wife that there's something inherently wrong with swinging, but do you really want to subject your wife to that?
The genie is out of the bottle. Your wife has discovered something she likes. I think ultimately you're going to have to get used to letting her see other guys ocasionally, or end the marriage. But get some counseling and see. Good luck!
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Seek therapy together.
You did everything right. You talked, were honest, explored with clear boundaries and expectations, you sough therapy and faced your own shit, and now you've reach a point where you both, honestly and fairly, want different things.
You can't compromise on this if you truly find a life of sexual non-monogamy unbearable, and she truly finds a life of sexual monogamy unbearable.
If that is that is the truth of you both as people, then you can't bear life together.
Whether that is the case or not, you now both need to see a counsellor or therapist together (preferably a sex positive, non-religious one who can respect your past choices) and figure out if there is room for compromise, or if it's time to begin negotiating a respectful and amicable end.
You've done your best. You've done very well. For this part, accept you need professional guidance and mediation together.
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I am old enough to be your father or possibly your grandfather. I offer advice on this Website as I feel there are times when fatherly advice or grandparent type advice is needed. I always try to offer advice as straightforward as I can.
When I offer advice on questions of sex I always include: that anything done between two consenting adults is is not kinky or perverted as long as both parties consent. The operative words here are "both parties consent".
There is nothing wrong with couples swapping; though for some reason you are not finding pleasure in swapping. Your spouse on the other hand is finding pleasure and has decided not to abide by your prior agreement to stop if either wanted to.
There are a lot of things I like that my wife does not, both sexually and non-sexual. The same is true of me for some of the things my wife likes that I do not care for. We both try to indulge each other in what they like even if it is something we don't care for so as the other dopes not have to do without and in the area of sex search out side our marriage for it. This is what marriage is all about, sharing and indulging in each others likes and dislikes.
Lets leave swapping out for a minute. Lets say your wife asked you to spank her during sex; could you do it? I love my wife and would not want to hurt her. Should she ask me to spank her and need to include spanking in our sex life to be able to fully climax and enjoy sex then I would find away within myself to occasionally indulge her.
So the question as I see it is how far are you willing to go to compromise with your wife. You may not have to sleep with another women to satisfy her desires. Would your wife be acceptable to an occasional three-way with another man? Would you be acceptable to a three-way with another man? In a three-way you are still having sex with your wife, she is still having sex with you and the second man is having sex with her as well.
This is just a suggestion. A good sex therapist can help you with whatever is bothering you about swapping or help your wife understand why you are against it. Together with a sex therapist will help you both find a place that is comfortable for both of you. Expanding a couples sexual practices can be fraught with danger; for s you have found out one participant may not be comfortable with the change.
If you both love each other, I can tell from your writing you are still in love with your wife, you will find away to work things out.
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WHOA and WOW..
First off... let me say I have not experience what you gone thru but I had my share of mixing sex partners with friends and associates. However, it has crossed my mind that if I was in a committed relationship with a guy, would I actually indulge him in certain fantasies...
With that being said... Depending on our maturity levels and the type of commitments we would have established, I don't think this is an option after marriage though. Dating period??.. Maybe. Post marriage.. HELL NO
Concerning your situation though, UNDERSTAND THAT YOU DO NOT HAVE AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR WIFE... You are a classed as a MUTALLY SWINGING COUPLE. Because you wife has continued having relations with a other man? (regardless of it being a mutual friend with your recognition and permission.. (really though?? smh)she has made it an open relationship.
Do you think that there is no side converations going on without your attendance and permission and knowledge.. No one continually has sex and speaks no words whatsoever. You've opened Pandora's Box and now you'd like to control the contents? Sounds unrealistic. I know being open minded and accepting is great for all relationships, but certain "areas of indulgences and entertainment" EXPIRE during the course of a relationship. Yes, like a coupon... They EXPIRE
Even though you are not a traditional couple in this regard, there was a pre-agreed upon concensus that "IF EITHER OF YOU WERE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THE SITUATION? THEN IT WOULD END!"
As a female myself, I definitely promote complete sexual satisfaction (with extents included), but as one half of a MARRIAGE, for either party to "WANT" to only sleep with each other ONLY, shouldn't be a request or a desire.
I am unable, further suggest what should have and be going through your mind.
My only question is... Was this love for your wife what prompted you to experiement with another couple in the first place?
If not, then how could it be the "bottom line" reason to keep you unhappy?...
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Seek couples therapy. Nothing said on a website is going to sort your marriage out for you.
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