(Ask A Question.) (Feedback.) (Discussion Board.) (Make Razhie A Favourite.) (Advicenators.)
Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
Favourite Collumnists.
(WittyUsernameHere.) (karenR.) (NinjaNeer.) (rainbowcherrie.) (DangerNerd.)
The Question
So my mom said I could bring a friend on vacation to north carolina this year. So obviously I wanted to bring my best friend jenna. Jenna is a huge softball player and somehow there was some miscommunication or something and we weren’t positive when her nationals were but I thought that they were the same week I was gone. So we never really talked about it after that, so I asked another friend of mine taylor. Taylor and I are not as good of as friends as jess and I but were pretty good friends. So in gym today I happened to mention to jenna the date of her nationals and shes like no they arent that week and I was like you told me they were and then we got in a fight about it and how I should have waited to ask taylor to come with me. I really want jenna with me because I know her and I will always be best friends but taylor and I arent close and I don’t think we will. I want to look back years from now and have memories with jenna. Im really upset about this. The only thing I can think of doing…its really mean but idk. Taylor has a big party the day before we leave, and she couldn’t miss it, all of her family comes from Canada and stuff so its huge. I could always say that my mom got an email from the owner of the house we are staying in down there and say that we have to leave Saturday(the day of the party) and she wouldn’t know that we were leaving the next morning. I know its mean but idk what else.
The Answer
You made an innocent mistake by not double-checking with Jenna. She shouldn't be fighting with you over that. Sure she may be upset, but it was just a an innocent mistake.
It would be a deliberate and nasty mistake to lie to Jenna.
I don't suggest it or condone it. It's not the behavoir of an ethical and kind person, but as with all things, make the choice you can live with.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
16/m gay
basically, i have been crushin on this guy for a while, and i think he might like me back. he is always kinda flirting with me when we see each other, but i am not sure. last night, me and my friend both talked to him on the phone, and i asked my friend what he thought (he is bisexual), and he said that he really thinks he might be. he acts just like both of us did before we would even admit to ourselves that we liked guys. he acts super homophobic, if you ask him how he thinks another guy looks he will say "i dont know, im not gay". i mean, he just acts like he is in the closet. he is a christian, but i was too for a while. i am not sure, he is kind of hot, and i would like to go out with him, but i am not sure he likes me like that. is there i way i could be more sure if he does or not? and please dont say things like "you need to just let him know how you feel" or "you need to ask him if he does". thank you for your help
The Answer
You need to respect what he has said to you and not try to be 'sure' of any of your theories on his sexuality. For the time being, it is none of your bussiness.
He may be gay/bisexual and compensating for it, or he might actually be homophobic. Whatever his reasons are it's pretty clear that he isn't ready for you to make any sort of advance or to hear about your feelings. He isn't interested. He isn't there yet. He isn't ready to talk about it.
Even if he is attracted to men, leave him alone. He will come to deal with it in his own time. There is nothing to gain by you forcing the issue or trying to figure it out. He needs to figure it out first. Give him the space, open support and good listener that he needs to help him figure himself out.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
My boyfriend and I have been together for a long time and I love him to death, but when it comes to the bedroom, I don't know what to do. Basically, he isn't circumsized, and all the other guys I've dated are circumsized.
I don't want to sound mean, but I am completely unattracted to his penis. When we do sexual things together, I don't even like to look at it. I feel horrible when I say that, but it's true!
I've looked into getting him circumsized and the procedure is simple. Many men who have gone through the procedure left comments saying that they're glad they got it done.
What do you think I should do? Persuade him into getting it circumsized..? I am clueless. :(
The Answer
If I were you, I would not suggest this to any male.
Suggesting he get circumcised would be similar to him suggesting you get a boob job. It is simply not okay to suggest someone go about cutting up their body because of their partner's preference. I can't imagine how you could say it without it being offensive.
Although circumcision is socially acceptable and mostly harmless, it is genital manipulation and is not recommended by doctors even for infants. The most prominent medical associations in Canada, US and Australia have all taken the official position that it is not necessary and has no significant health benefits.
The complications possible in adult male circumcision more serious then an infant as well and there is a definite possibility that your boyfriend could loose some sensation.
I'm not sure where you were reading these testimonials, but they sound a little one sided to me. I've known men with botched circumcision personally, and I would not wish that on anyone. Try the Wikipedia article on circumcision even, for a more objective perspective.
If your boyfriend was actually concerned about this, I'd urge you to be supportive with HIS interest in changing his body, but since your main concern is an atheistic one, I'm afraid you need to consider that your problem to deal with, and perferably without making him feel inadaquate.
If he has a cleanliness issue, by all means talk to him about THAT! Unpleasant smells or tastes need to be addressed for his own sake as well as yours.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
So today my friends and I went to Acen up in Rosemont, Illinois and we loved it. So we decided that we wanted to do another over the summer, and I of course was stuck with looking. After three Google pages and one unhelpful Ask, I'm lost.
So, for anyone at all with previous knowledge and some links, is there going to be any upcoming Anime Conventions in Northern Illinois this summer? Like by Chicago?
Thanks in advance.
The Answer
check out www.animecons.com
If you cen get your act togeather fast you could always come to Toronto Ontario for Anime North on May 22 ;). Like Acen, it's one of the 5 largest anime conventions in the english speaking world. I know lots of con-junkies who basically write off the month of May due to those two events.
Anyways, the next decent size con in IL is World Wizard in late June (I think) but it is much more of a scifi fantasy convention then an anime one.
I'm afraid these things really do only come around once a year.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Exactly how does one know they are polyamorous? Is it just a cop-out term to justify cheating, or is it a real condition?
The Answer
I don't think it is quite right to say you that you can know that you are polyamorous, the same way you can know that you are homosexual.
Sexual attraction is something we can't control or choose for ourselves. The relationships we choose to be in is something we can control and choose. Our personal definition of love is under our complete control. We can choose how we love other people and define and limit that loving relationship.
I know there are some people who identify as being polyamorous who believe they were just 'born that way' but I honestly don't agree with that. It might be their personal preference, but we aren't 'born' knowing how we will choose to related to human beings romantically and define our relationships. To say you were born polyamorous is like saying you were born racist… Relating to people, either loving them or hating them, is a learned behavior. Not one you are born with. We know that human neurology isn’t like that.
Is it a cop-out? It certainly could be used that way, but I think there is a distinction to be made between people who simply are romantically in love with more then one person at once, and people who choose to live a polyamorous life style and have that arrangement with their partners.
People who are in love with more then one other person, are, by definition, polyamorous, but they are not necessarily living their lives that way or being honest about their feelings. If they are cheating, they are cheating and betraying and lying to partners. Period. They might say they are polyamorous, but that is no excuse or explanation for their bad behavior. If they have lied and betrayed, then they have lied and betrayed. No explanation will change or justify that.
The other kind of polyamorous person would be honest with any partner from the beginning about their belief and interest in being romantically in love with more the one person at once.
So you see, it’s not really the difference between a polyamorous person and a monogamous person that is the most important aspect, it’s the difference between a liar and a truthful person.
Well, and of course, what YOU want in a relationship arrangement. That is most important thing to know and be honest about.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
I am a man in my 20s. I've had this female friend since I started college, and she's one of the best friends I could ever ask for.
Thing is, I have had a crush on her since she and I met. Now, the attraction never changed, but I know that she will not see me as anything more than a friend. In fact, she's maintained friendships with people who were attracted to her, because as she says, "Why should she let that change the friendship?"
The thing is, I don't know how to tell her. I'm afraid that I'll be the exception to her rule. And I know she and I will not be together like that, but I want to be honest with my friend.
Help me be honest without losing my friend. I know it already seems like she would accept me anyway, but still, I'm afraid.
The Answer
I really don't understand why you feel compelled to tell her that you have a crush on her.
If you are convinced that she doesn't feel the same way, and that it wont change her preception of your friendship in anyway, then what you really seem to believe is that she will consider your crush to be totally irrelvant.
Now, I don't mean that a mean way at all, but why tell someone something that will be awkward and frightening for you, when you have ever reason to believe that it will have no impact on thier beliefs or behavoir?
Is this information she really needs to have?
Do you really think she doesn't already know?
Even if she doesn't, do you really need to tell her?
Being honest is admirable, but not always productive. I don't tell my best friend that she looks awful in her favorite dress. I might gently tell her so if she asked, but unless she brought it up, I'd respect the silent understanding I have of her opinion that she loves the damn thing.
If you think that this girls opinion is that your crush doesn't really change anything and she is not interested in your like that... why offer that information? Why make yourself uncomfortable and scarred? Why not just respect the understanding you already have with her that it is not that important?
Don't make things more complicated then they need to be. If you truly beleieve she isn't interested in you like that, just keep it to yourself and try to find other girls whose company you also enjoy (and hopefully, who ARE interested.)
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
ohk so first off i'd like to ask if you're suppose to buy a pregnancy test when you think you've missed a period or a month after you had sex? i had sex on may 4th and 11th and my period is suppose to be coming on the 18th approximately. so if you "think" your pregnant when should you try the whole test thing..?
ALSO i would like to ask if my chances are high for being pregnant? he used a condom everytime and everything(we had sex 5 times, all times were either on the 4th or 11th of may) but twice when he pulled out, like he was finished the condom like slid off his penis and stayed in my vagina.. like the ejaculation was still inside the condom and the top of the condom was still outside of me but i'm just REALLY REALLY nervous, please help me.
The Answer
It is possible that you are pregnant.
It is also VERY likely, that if you had two out of five condoms slip off in this way, that your are not applying them properly (or your guy is using 'extra large' condoms when he in fact not extra large in size.) Google "How to put on a condom". Memorize it and abide by it. Don't sleep with a guy who doesn't do it right. Condoms should NOT slip off that often if you are using them correctly.
Most pregnancy tests recommend you wait three to seven days after you miss your period before relying on them. That means you should take on the 22nd or so. Take another after the 25th if you are still worried about it.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
ok so me and my boyfriend had sex like 2 weeks ago i dont come on my period yet till da begginig of month.but as me and my bofriend was doing it da second time im not sure if he came in me(he said he didnt) because all of it was on his stomach but we pulled out kinda late.well yesterday i took a pregnancy test and it came back negative. it seems like i get a feeling of something moving around in my stomach can someone tell me what dat means?
The Answer
It means you made a bad decision and now you are scared.
Read the instructions on the pregnancy test and make sure you took it at the right time and that the results are valid. With most tests you have to wait until you've missed your period by at least seven days to know the results are valid.
Even if you are pregnant, you wouldn't be feeling anything 'moving' yet. You might feel sore or tender breasts, have cramping or morning sickness, but you can't feel something that is smaller then a grain of rice moving inside you.
Take this fear as a lesson: Use condoms and/or take birth control. If you keep doing what you are doing, sooner or later you will get pregnant, and it isn't worth the stress and fear.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Do people who feel the need to hide things or lie ever really change? I want an answer from someone who has been in a LONGGGGG term relationship
The Answer
Anyone can change.
Few people do.
There is no trick I've discovered to tell one from the other. There is no reason or guarantee when it comes to truth telling. Either they will change their mind and start to be honest with you, or they won't. You simply have to decide if it is worth the risk to trust them.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Everyone here has been saying "if that's how your partner (boyfriend/fiance/whatever) is then that's who you chose and you can't and shouldn't change them" ... what I'm saying is doesn't that go the same for us women? ... for example: when we started dating he knew i didn't like this or that yet he still dated me. So instead of me trying to change him or him trying to change me.. shouldn't we compromise and make changes ourselves without being asked? When you love someone, wouldn't you climb mountains to make things work?
The Answer
Unless either of you are mind readers, then no, you don't need to be changing without being asked. It is nice when that happens, but it is not a realistic or a fair expectation to have all the time.
And changing without discussion, it not really the kind of compromise that relationship are built on or defined by. Compromise that just 'happens' because you know something about your partner or they know something about you is willing change that doesn't require conflict or conversation.
Real compromises, the kind that actually define your relationship and figure out your path together, happen when people disagree strongly and must come to an agreement through communication and negotiations.
He IS responsible for himself. Exactly the same way you are responsible for yourself. When either, or both of you, realize that compromise on this issue is not possible, when your communication and arguments get you nowhere, then it's time to break up.
It would have been nice if you realized that at the beginning of dating, but it doesn't change the facts if you are only figuring it out now. It doesn't make either of you bad people that you are only realizing it now either. You'll learn from this experience and be more specific about what you want from your future partners.
So you see, it IS the same for both the man and the women. You are both responsible for standing up for what you believe in. You are both responsible for your own beliefs and self-respect and for defining what degree of compromise is acceptable to you.
It is a nice idea that love will conquer all, but it's only a nice idea. It's not the truth of the universe. Love will only conquer what we choose to let it conquer.
You might choose to let your love for him conquer your dislike and beliefs about porn. You might choose to believe him and respect his opinion that it's no big deal, even though your opinion is different.
He might choose to have his love for you conquer over his enjoyment and beliefs about porn. He might choose to stop enjoying porn out of respect to your opinion that it is inappropraite even though he doesn't agree with that opinion.
Or both of you might refuse to do change your behavoir and stick to behaving in accordance with your own beliefs about pornography.
That is okay. It doesn't make you bad people. That doesn't mean you don't love each other. It just means you can't move forward together.
Neither of you are wrong about pornography. You are simply learning that you might be wrong for eachother.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Does anyone know if a note from a lisenced psychologist is enough to get someone out of gym class? my reason to bring it up to mine would be that it doesn't help my depression at all to be all alone in my gym class next year since the only people i knew got accepted into alternative programs. oh, and that a study hall would help me get ahead in other things. can this type of note get me out of gym [because i actually have depression] or will they just make me take gym anyway?
The Answer
Ask your psychologist.
I would doubt it. I doubt your doctor will agree to write such a note, but they might, and they are the one who will know if it's relevant and useful or not, so they are the first one to ask.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
Why do people think "well this is what all men do deal with it" when it comes to porn? Honestly, does every man in the world watch it? Isn't any woman confident enough to believe she is enough to please her man's sexual desires? In addition, why should one have to deal with something they feel is disrespectful? That's like saying that it's okay to be disrespected. While some people feel that it's okay, shouldn't those who feel otherwise have their wishes respected?
The Answer
I don't think that porn is something all men enjoy.
I know a good number personally who don't like porn at all.
I also know a good number who do.
Both the dos and the don'ts are good people, who I am happy to have as friends.
I've also been happy to have either as boyfriends.
Although you are probably right that many women over estimate the prevalence and meaningfulness of porn because of their own insecurities and their feeling of not being good enough, I don't think that if all women were more confident that men would look at less porn.
The two factors are simply not connected.
The simple truth is my boyfriend isn’t enough for me. Really he isn’t. I need other friends whom I can talk to about my other interests. I need Jane Austen novels for regular does of romance. I need mushy movies and anything with Brad Pitt in it. These things satisfy me in a way my boyfriend can’t, and ways that I don’t want him too.
I can’t expect my boyfriend to the fill the fantasy aspect of my mental health the way Brad Pitt or Mr. Darcy does. I don’t expect to be able to fill the fantasy aspect of his mental health the way the Vita Von Tease does online. In fact, I don’t want to fulfill that for him, but as long as his fantasies stay where they belong and in a way that is acceptable to me, I want him to enjoy them without guilt or shame. In the same way that I want to watch the last 30 minutes of Pride and Prejudice over and over again without him thinking that I am madly in love with Colin Firth and therefore don’t respect him…
If you feel disrespected in a relationship DUMP THEM. Period. End of story.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with a woman who says she doesn’t want to date someone who enjoys porn. I don’t feel the same way, but she is totally free to make that choice! What I do have a problem with is a woman who whines and bitches about pornography and tries to force their mates to change instead of simply saying what they really feel: It’s either them, or the porn.
You shouldn’t stay in a relationship where you feel disrespected. You shouldn’t date someone who enjoys porn if you are morally opposed to pornography just the same way you shouldn’t date someone who makes nuclear weapons for a living if you are morally opposed to bombing foreign countries.
Absolutely a partner should respect the opinion of the other but respecting something does NOT mean agreeing with it.
If you don’t like porn, and your partner does, they MIGHT choose to stop using it for your sake. OR they might not.
Either way, that is their choice.
Your choice is whether or not you can live with their choice.
Our power in life, is not to change others, it is to change ourselves and to either accept or reject to arrangements we have with other people.
So, if anyone out there doesn’t want to date someone who smokes or drinks or owns a cat or like Dr. Who or watches pornography it is THEIR JOB to stay out of those relationships and away from the people who they cannot reach a happy compromise with. It’s not the job of anyone who dates them, to agree with their opinions or just go along with their wishes.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
From primary to high school, my older brother has ALWAYS been ..well..a nerd. he worse glasses, braces, tucked his shirt into his pants, worse his pants really high, got A's in everything.
Then he went off to university.
We didn't see him for a year because of this huge family problem going on (long story) and then when he came to visit us over the summer (so he'd been in uni for a year) he was covered in piercings, some tattoos, cool hair, cool clothes, but then excellent grades.
My mom burst into tears the second she saw him.
She said that he wouldn't be able to get a job (he's intending to be a lawyer) but he's already done work experience, and at that particular place, they don't give a crap about his two lip piercings, tongue and eyebrow (the only facial ones, the ones on his ears are covered by his hair, and there's no way they're gonna see his nipples :D) so is my mom over reacting, since he said that if piercings cause problems in his career, he's more than willing to take them out.
He's a responsible guy, but my mom is almost convinced that he's ''the old man's child'' (i.e son of satan)
What could my dad, my brother and me say to her..?
The Answer
Respect your mother's fears and concern, because they are real too her, even if they are kind of silly.
The best thing you can do it not 'argue' with her pre say, just remind that her son is an intelligent boy with good grades, who has made the choice to look the way he does. He's obviously not an idiot. He knows there are some possible problems choosing to appear the way he does and he is willing to face them. As an adult, that is his choice to make.
Your mom knows he's not an idiot or the devil's child. So don't even try to argue with her when she says things like that. It would be like trying to argue with someone who says the sky is green. It's just silly to even bother.
Just remind your mom that she has loved and trusted him in the past and he has earned that trust. Don't agrue with her feelings, she's allowed to be upset and angry. She doesn't have to like his choice, but it doesn't do any good to cry or bring the satan into it.
Arguing with her will likely only make her stick even more firmly to her belief that it is evil. It's best to simply keep your conversation about him to the positive things he does, and tell her that you understand her negative feelings about his apperance, you don't share her opinion or concern about his at this point.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
ive known this guy for almost 3 years and we were in junior high when we met but we are now in high school and we have been off and on since the first week i met him we got together after knowing him for 1 week. before that he was with my friend but she used him. every time i see him it feels like my heart is popping out of my chest and i dont know what to do. he likes my friend that used him 3 years ago and she likes him back and they always flirt and i cant stand to watch him do it...what should i do?
The Answer
Stop watching?
There really isn't anything you can do about the fact they like eachother. You can't change either of thier minds.
If YOU want something to happen with this guy, you need to step up and let him know that. If you want a boyfriend, let him know. Invite him out. Hang out with him. Listen to what he says. Flirt with him. Be interested in the person he is.
You can't force anybody to like you, or to not like somebody else, but you got to be honest with him or else you'll never know what could have been.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
I'm confused on what to do with it. I sent announcements to about 30 people. Must I use it toward school, or can I use it for whatever I want? I'm assuming I can use it for whatever I want, but I sort of feel bad using people's money for my personal shopping and whatnot, haha. Also, does anyone know about how much money I'll get for that amount of invitations? I'm the oldest in my family, so I have no idea what to expect!
The Answer
I can't guess how much money you might receive, it depends almost entirely on how much your friends and family can spare and what they feel is appropriative.
If you are going away to college or university, my advice to you would be to save 75% of whatever you get, and use the remaining 25% to treat yourself to something extra special. Put it towards a car or a special piece of jewelry that will help you commemorate the event.
Frankly, if you are going to post-secondary, saving the majority of it is only going to make your life easier and less stressful, and isn't that what grad gifts are really about: Continuing your success.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
My boyfriend has cheated on me 3 times..We get into argue ments a lot over dumb things its usually about him not likeing me going anywere with my frinds or out..its funny because he doesint start arguements with me when im stuck at home its when i tell him im bout to go to the mall with my home girl then thats when he starts saying smart things that make me mad like yea you about to go meet with other guys or yea you about to look at other dudes..like i get so irritated and its like in my head i think you are the cheater okay and i dont even question anything about you or who your with..damn!!...when we argue and he hangs up on me i dont call him back, he gets mad at me for that. i dont call him back bcause i feel like im not wrong and i feel like he just disrespected me over the phone so why should i call back..So he tells me that if i had your support and if you were there for me then i would have never slept with other girls or done anything with them...IS THAT AN EXCUSE??...like he can never realise hes wrong for anything!! he can never say hes wrong...all his wrong doings he says that he did what he did for a reason and its because of me all the time...so hes not wrong...ughh! (I HAV NEVER CHEATED ON HIM AND WHAT KILLS ME THE MOST IS THAT HE HAS CHEATED ON ME 3 TIMES AND ALL HE CAN SAY IS THAT.. "MAN WE STILL DONT KNOW WHAT YOUVE DONE" WHEN HE TELLS ME THAT I JUST WANNA SLAP HIM BECAUSE I HAVE NEVER CHEATED ON HIM..AND EVERYTIME I TELL HIM I HAVENT HE GETS MAD AND SAYS YEA WATEVER... THE TRUTH IS THAT I NEVER DONE WHAT HE HAS DONE TO ME I NEVER CHEATED ON HIM...BUT KNOWING THE TRUTH HE DOESINT BELIVE IT. IN HIS MIND I CHEATED ON HIM..IT HURTS ME SO MUCH TO KNOW THE REAL TRUTH..AND BEING LOOKED AT AS THE CHEATER BUT REALLY ITS ALL ON HIM..WHAT DO I DO...?
The Answer
You tell him "Good bye. It's Over. Go rot in hell."
He isn't going to realize he is wrong and he isn't going to change. So whay are you even still talking to him? There is no way to argue with someone who can't even realize they screwed up and blames other people for thier mistakes.
If he can't even admit that he made a mistake and blames you for it, there is no chance of this improving.
It would be nice, if you would be polite and not hang up on him. It would nice if you could communicate with him in a more mature way. But you don't have too, because this relationship is already over. All you are doing now, is waiting for the offical break up.
You can't control what he does or thinks of you. You can only look at what is going on and decide if it is acceptable to you or not.
His behavoir is not acceptable. Just dump him.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
I saw a guy holding a bag for his girlfriend I thought it was lazy for the girl to not do it your self. And I am a girl. When I said it out load "why is he holding her bag?" my friend said "because it is an act of kindness!!" she said strict and firm to me while glaring at me? Why? It’s like she saying "you don’t do that!" but we not a couple.
The Answer
I know of guys who refuse to hold a purse while a women tries something on/ties her shoe lace/whatever, and frankly, I'm with your friend on this one: It's an act of kindess and is very gentlemanly and polite of him to hold her purse.
Now, like any kind act, he might have been being taken advantage off and being asked to hold it for an unjustified reason, or for too long. But that is up to HIM to decide, not you.
When it doubt, assume the best of people, not the worst. Although I'm not a mind-reader, I would imagine that is why she sounded strict, because you automatically assumed the worse about those two people, instead of seeing huge possibilty of goodness in them both.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
I am a mother of 5, with the two youngest being my step children, ages 14 and 12. My husband and I have the children full time with the exception of every other weekend, they spend with their mom. Ok this is the situation. I have been their step mom for ten years.I have watched them grow, have attended school functions, teacher parent conferences, school trips, all althletic functions, etc... The birth mom, we will call suzy, treats the two different. The oldest gets everything she askes for.. from clothes, shopping, weekend trips, etc.. The youngest gets an occasional shirt or small item. She is very angry at her mom and says things like I hate my mom, I hate my sister, my mom loves her more than me, my mom promises me things and never keeps her promises, etc.. I am becoming very concerned with her anger. I have done very well at keeping my mouth shut when it involves their mother. And I want the youngest to have her lime lit, to feel special, etc..However, I do not want to stoop to the level of their mother and include one in something special and not the other... We always include all 5 of our kids, no matter what we do..we always have..I just dont understand how a mother can put one child so much higher than the other...And she is hurting...I always insure her that she is loved just as equal and all the other children we have...But she always poses the question, "why does my mom love ____ more than me." I dont have an answer for her..My advide has always been, I can't answer for your mom, thats something you will have to ask her. Is there any suggestions to help me out in this situation? What more can I do? Am I giving her the wrong advice? Please help....Desperate step mom....
The Answer
I think that at 12 years-old it's time to have the conversation where you explain simply that Adults Make Mistakes Too.
I applaud you for being respectful of her mother, but I think it's important for any teen at this age to start to learn that adults can make errors in judgment and be wrong. It's also important to realize that you need to be respectful of them anyways and communicate with them.
I know it was a HUGE burden off my shoulders when someone told me "Well, maybe your dad isn't behaving as well as he could. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you, but it does sound to me like he is making a mistake." You don't need to suggest that her mom is a bad, bad person. Maybe instead you could share a small parenting mistake you felt YOU made at some point to help her understand that those mistakes don't happen because a child is unloved, but because parents are human and make errors.
Even better, remind her that sometimes it’s hard to admit and change our mistakes. Most children know from their own schoolwork that taking criticism or correction from a teacher can be uncomfortable and difficult to hear. They also know that it’s often the only way they will learn and fix mistakes. Helping her to connect her own mistakes to the mistake she feels her mother is making will help her to realize that she needs to help her mother, and herself, by explaining how she feels and what she is thinking when her mother does the things that make her feel unloved.
Accepting that our parents are human, and make mistakes is the first and very important step in learning to forgive them.
The simple truth is that the mother is unlikely to change her behavior. The most important thing is that your daughter is capable of handling that, speaking up for herself, able to eventually forgive her mother for her shortcomings and not hate her mother, or herself, for those mistakes.
I also have to say that I’d really do recommend having some one on one time with your kids. I’m not a parent myself, but I have seven siblings and my mom and dad both made an effort to have one afternoon or a meal each year with just the one kid and them. They never 'annouced' it to the kids or made a big deal of it. They just did it. I think it made a phenomenal difference in my life for those few hours each year where I had my parent all to myself. They are some of my fondest memories and I know they were special to my siblings as well.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
This is the first time I'm having a serious relationship with a guy. Most of my relationships don't last for more than a mth, but this guy and I have been going out for 4 mths. I know its not a big deal, but 4 mths is an encouragement to me.
The thing is, How do you girls know if it is the right time to give "it" to him? I don't want our first time to be something that happened just because we felt really horny that day or whatsoever.I'd like it to be meaningful. I know my bf loves me a lot. But I'm just afraid.. what if the relationship won't last? I may be happy now, but what if in the near future it takes a turn for the worst, and that'll be when I regret giving my first time to him.
The Answer
You are NOT ready to have sex if you think sex is something you GIVE to your partner.
Sex is not a gift or a bribe. You don't give it someone to make them stay with you, or to make them happy.
Only whores give "it", and they do it to make money.
Mature women and men in relationships can make the choice to share something with thier partner.
Sex is something you should do because you want too, because you are curious and excited about the idea and (most importantly) because you are perpared for the possible consequences of the act.
You don't have ANY of those. You don't want to have sex. You aren't excited about the idea. You are not prepared to handle the problems, even the emotional ones, that it might cause.
There is no right time to give it to someone. There is a right time to share sex with a loving partner, but you aren't there yet, so stop worrying about it. If it comes up in conversation, just say no.
(View All Other Answers.)
The Question
I told her I like her in high school. She didn't say anything because she was shocked. After that we still hang out and have good time she is a close touchy person and we are close friends. But I wanted to understand why she seems okay with me liking her because she didn’t say anything. So 2 years later, I realize that I am bisexual, later I ask why she seems fine with it but don’t like me in that way. Till she got jealous that I met a guy (nothing happen), I ask her to explain a she said she was being over proactive. But she no like me…anyways I still have these feeling that our situation between us isn't over. Because between all of those issues; she told me “time will tell for the both of us” and she is unsure if she is gay. Why do I have this feeling that our situation isn't over? I want to move on but then deep down I don't. Some of my friends notice that she flirts with me I ignore it because I try not to look into it to much. Is this feeling I have is just wishes or what????
The Answer
How long have you been asking questions about this girl here on Advicentors?
It seems like a really long time to me. At least a year now.
I wish you would stop wasting your time.
It no longer matters what she feels or thinks. You have wasted years of your life trying to figure out how she feels, instead of taking control of your own feelings and giving yourself permission to move on.
At this point, nothing is ever going to change. She is never going to change and want to be with you. She is never going to admit the truth about what she has been doing. Even if she did, you two could never be togeather. There is too much drama, jealousy and lying between you. It's doomed. It's hopeless. Time to move on.
If you can't be her friend AND move on, then stop being her friend. You owe it yourself to end your misery.
(View All Other Answers.)