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To tell a friend you like them or not?
I am a man in my 20s. I've had this female friend since I started college, and she's one of the best friends I could ever ask for.
Thing is, I have had a crush on her since she and I met. Now, the attraction never changed, but I know that she will not see me as anything more than a friend. In fact, she's maintained friendships with people who were attracted to her, because as she says, "Why should she let that change the friendship?"
The thing is, I don't know how to tell her. I'm afraid that I'll be the exception to her rule. And I know she and I will not be together like that, but I want to be honest with my friend.
Help me be honest without losing my friend. I know it already seems like she would accept me anyway, but still, I'm afraid.
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
You are being used. Yeah, she likes you as a friend and doesnt want to change that. Why? Because the constant hope that she might change her mind makes you malleable, agreeable, and eager to please.
She is using you, wheather either of you realizes it or not. But its not entirely your fault. You enable this.
Guy to guy, stop being such a pussy. I really can't put it any other way. Every guy deals with attraction. Hell, I want to sleep with virtually every girl I'm friends with. Animal attraction and a high sex drive make that slightly inconvenient. But unless its a two way street do not let it evolve past attraction. Falling in love with friends who don't love you back is stupid and unnecessary, and evidence of a severe lack of self control.
I say this because it WILL eventually destroy the relationship. You can't want a friend, not get her, and be OK with that.
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They say,"Honesty is the best policy." Your female-friend sounds like a very considerate and very friendly person. She sounds like she's down to earth, and very easy to get along with.
You said that in the past she had male friends who were attracted to her, but that it did not deter her from friendship with them. I wonder if, perhaps she told you this information because she had a slight inkling that you, as well, have a 'crush' on her?
Wether she knows or not, I believe your best course of action would be to tell her the truth. Leaving feelings build up inside of you, unresolved, can be quite a burden. And it sounds like it's a burden you've been walking around with for quite some time.
When you're alone with her, and can talk intimately, I would suggest saying,"I have something I want to admit to you. I don't want it to effect our friendship, but..." and then carry on with exactly what you told us. That ever since you met her you've liked her. That you've been scared to tell her because you were afraid you'd loose her friendship. And then ask her if she might possibly feel that the two of you could become more than friends, or if she only values your friendship and wouldn't want anything more from you.
Like I said, she does sound like a very nurturing and friendly girl, so I highly doubt she'd become appalled and throw water in your face, or cause any kind of dramatics over the information. I know, it will be extremely scarey to relay your feelings to her, and your mind will always worry about the "what if's"(what if she hates me? what if she doesn't want to be friends anymore? what if...) but you cannot let that get in the way of unburdening yourself with this secret and getting on with your life.
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Good sir,
I have always tried to live my life with no regrets, but the things that go unsaid in life are some of the biggest regrets one can have. The one thing most women do not understand is, that men can not be friends with a women unless there is something that attracts them to her in the first place.
You will see the day that you will regret not telling her the truth and you will wonder what might have been. Not only that, but your friendship is will not last either way. There will come a point where you will have to let her go whether you tell her or not, it may be when she falls for another guy, or when she marries him, (three is a crowd in your case). There are very few men that would not notice your "crush" for her and even fewer that would tolerate it. You would be a contention between the women you love, (face it), and her man. If you ever want a chance to be that man, she has to know your feelings for her. To be important, you have to be willing to take chances and stick your neck out. You can love friends, but you can't be in love with friends, make your choice and make your move. What is the difference, fail now, or fail later?
Good luck my friend, from one who took a chance and found his soul mate of 30 years now.
Thank you for responding so quickly, but come on, you think men are the only ones with ego? Telling this young lady will not cost you your friendship, it will only feed the ego her statement to you clearly says she has. You might find out what you think you know is wrong.
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I really don't understand why you feel compelled to tell her that you have a crush on her.
If you are convinced that she doesn't feel the same way, and that it wont change her preception of your friendship in anyway, then what you really seem to believe is that she will consider your crush to be totally irrelvant.
Now, I don't mean that a mean way at all, but why tell someone something that will be awkward and frightening for you, when you have ever reason to believe that it will have no impact on thier beliefs or behavoir?
Is this information she really needs to have?
Do you really think she doesn't already know?
Even if she doesn't, do you really need to tell her?
Being honest is admirable, but not always productive. I don't tell my best friend that she looks awful in her favorite dress. I might gently tell her so if she asked, but unless she brought it up, I'd respect the silent understanding I have of her opinion that she loves the damn thing.
If you think that this girls opinion is that your crush doesn't really change anything and she is not interested in your like that... why offer that information? Why make yourself uncomfortable and scarred? Why not just respect the understanding you already have with her that it is not that important?
Don't make things more complicated then they need to be. If you truly beleieve she isn't interested in you like that, just keep it to yourself and try to find other girls whose company you also enjoy (and hopefully, who ARE interested.)
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