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how to deal with a situation with my step daughter
I am a mother of 5, with the two youngest being my step children, ages 14 and 12. My husband and I have the children full time with the exception of every other weekend, they spend with their mom. Ok this is the situation. I have been their step mom for ten years.I have watched them grow, have attended school functions, teacher parent conferences, school trips, all althletic functions, etc... The birth mom, we will call suzy, treats the two different. The oldest gets everything she askes for.. from clothes, shopping, weekend trips, etc.. The youngest gets an occasional shirt or small item. She is very angry at her mom and says things like I hate my mom, I hate my sister, my mom loves her more than me, my mom promises me things and never keeps her promises, etc.. I am becoming very concerned with her anger. I have done very well at keeping my mouth shut when it involves their mother. And I want the youngest to have her lime lit, to feel special, etc..However, I do not want to stoop to the level of their mother and include one in something special and not the other... We always include all 5 of our kids, no matter what we do..we always have..I just dont understand how a mother can put one child so much higher than the other...And she is hurting...I always insure her that she is loved just as equal and all the other children we have...But she always poses the question, "why does my mom love ____ more than me." I dont have an answer for her..My advide has always been, I can't answer for your mom, thats something you will have to ask her. Is there any suggestions to help me out in this situation? What more can I do? Am I giving her the wrong advice? Please help....Desperate step mom....
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Keep giving her the answer you are giving her now. Especially the one about not answering for her mother. I wouldn't modify my actions regarding involving all the kids either as that would send the wrong message for behavior you are concerned with already.
Have you considered counseling? I had a lot of anger when I was a young teen and when I finally found a psychologist that I clicked with I was so much better off. The psychologist can also get better answers from both daughter and birth mother than you will get be able to get. Coming from a psycholigist perhaps birth mom will take the news that she is destroying the relationship between her daughters better. He/she could also give you tips for answering and handling your stepdaughter's anger at home as well.
Explain to your stepdaughter that hating someone takes much more energy than simply accepting the fact that you can't change them. It's not her shortcoming and it's not her fault her mother has this shortcoming. Perhaps get her involved in an extracirricular activity like tae kwondo or karate to help her learn discipline and work out her anger and frustrations in a healthy way.
There are also support groups for stepmothers. One of the best I have found is at www.cafemom.com You can search the groups for stepmoms and dealing with stepfamilies and the ladies there have a lot of good advice.
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I think you are on the right track. From reading your Question i get that the oldest has been able to bond with the biological mother and the youngest hasn't. Probebly for more reasons than just the buying and recieving gifts. This happens even in healthy family with a wide gap in age difference. Lets say 14 and 5. One child is going to be more demanding and more mature and so forth. If may be something that can never be fixed if the seed of jeliousy is planned into the youngest. She may grow out of it and find a new bond with the biological after she reaches maturity. I found mine at 19 with my dad. I think the only reason i found it was threw common intrest and time spent without the other sibbling. Life isn't fair but she will appriciate you for trying to make it that way for her...
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I feel your a really niave and sweet sweet person. Being that i really fee its your duty, for the sake of the child, to speak with their birthmother and ask teh same questions you assk her. Be very respectable, it is totalyy acceptable.
good-luck
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It is not too early, (at 12), for this young one to start learning hard lessons. We are all here to learn and grow, it is obvious that the youngest has a bit more to deal with. Help her understand that life is about learning and books are not the only place you learn from. Hate is a hard emotion to over come, but until she does, it will haunt her life. It is not her that is the recipient of a perceived injustice, it is the oldest you must watch, for the lessons she will come away from with this treatment will wreak more havoc on her future then what the 12 year old will go through.
I know this is not what you want to hear, you want to hear how to fix this and get the mom to stop her bias treatment, but that will never happen. Many people play favorites, parents, teachers, bosses, it will happen all her life, teach her to deal with it now, she will be much stronger for it. Not knowing this child, I can not tell you how to approach her, you should best know that. She needs to understand that her mother is no different from a lot of other people out there and love comes only in one degree, but "like" has many degrees.
Be well and good luck,
Gilbert Mar
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Take the birth mother to task. Tell her that she needs to know what her youngest is thinking about herself and their relationship. That needs to be repaired and the two need counseling.
Maybe the mother doesn't see what she is doing or perhaps she does favor the other child. If you confront her for your step-daughter's sake maybe the relationship will change and heal. Be sure your step-daughter knows none of this is her fault and that her birth mother has a lot more problems than she knows of to work out.
Teach your step-daughter to forgive her birth mother because she knows not what she is doing to her. Get her to drop the resentment towards this woman and remember that she counts to you, your family and sister. Tell her not to hate her sister as her sister loves her and cant control what her mother does.
The sister can in fact tell mom how her sibling feels and refuse all these gifts or insist things be equal for them both. She has a mouth so she should say something about it and you should back her up.
If you believe the relationship to be detrimental to your step-daughter and have evidence of this kind of behavior you can always talk to your husband about finding a way legally so their contact is very limited and supervised. That way she does not get emotionally shattered by this anymore.
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Let's take a look at what Suzy is feeling.
The eldest daughter to her, was a result of the love which she (Suzy) and your husband once shared and she feels as if she needs to keep the eldest happy because she's been around the 'old-couple' longer than the younger daughter.
She may feel as if the younger one won't have many memories of what her life was like before the split up, but the eldest one will so she needs to keep that one happy and spoilt. So in a way, she left it down to you to give the youngest something which Suzy wasn't able to give when she was still her mother.
So, what to do. Talk to Suzy about what the youngest is feeling. Even though she's left your husband, she still is her mother and she needs to try and keep both happy and not to focus upon just one. The youngest needs her real mum to be there, even though she's got you, she still has the need to have the same amount of attention from her real mum. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure you're a great mum, but she needs something more than words. Suzy needs to realise what pain she's causing her daughter when she gives all her attention to her eldest.
By telling the youngest that she needs to talk to her mum, makes her feel as if she's been tossed about, from one mum to the other. One gives attention to the other, whilst the other tells her to talk to her mum. She may be feeling alone, even though she's got her dad. This could be what is causing the anger and frustration which you're talking about.
I hope this helped and good luck,
triquetra
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Talk to her birth mom about what has been going on and what has been said and how she feels. Her mom might take this into consideration and treat her differently, you might want to all have a talk privatly if it gets to the point were she can't stand it anymore. Also, keep giving the girl love and encouragement so she knows she isn't left out. You are doing a great job so far!
Hope this helps!
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I think that at 12 years-old it's time to have the conversation where you explain simply that Adults Make Mistakes Too.
I applaud you for being respectful of her mother, but I think it's important for any teen at this age to start to learn that adults can make errors in judgment and be wrong. It's also important to realize that you need to be respectful of them anyways and communicate with them.
I know it was a HUGE burden off my shoulders when someone told me "Well, maybe your dad isn't behaving as well as he could. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you, but it does sound to me like he is making a mistake." You don't need to suggest that her mom is a bad, bad person. Maybe instead you could share a small parenting mistake you felt YOU made at some point to help her understand that those mistakes don't happen because a child is unloved, but because parents are human and make errors.
Even better, remind her that sometimes it’s hard to admit and change our mistakes. Most children know from their own schoolwork that taking criticism or correction from a teacher can be uncomfortable and difficult to hear. They also know that it’s often the only way they will learn and fix mistakes. Helping her to connect her own mistakes to the mistake she feels her mother is making will help her to realize that she needs to help her mother, and herself, by explaining how she feels and what she is thinking when her mother does the things that make her feel unloved.
Accepting that our parents are human, and make mistakes is the first and very important step in learning to forgive them.
The simple truth is that the mother is unlikely to change her behavior. The most important thing is that your daughter is capable of handling that, speaking up for herself, able to eventually forgive her mother for her shortcomings and not hate her mother, or herself, for those mistakes.
I also have to say that I’d really do recommend having some one on one time with your kids. I’m not a parent myself, but I have seven siblings and my mom and dad both made an effort to have one afternoon or a meal each year with just the one kid and them. They never 'annouced' it to the kids or made a big deal of it. They just did it. I think it made a phenomenal difference in my life for those few hours each year where I had my parent all to myself. They are some of my fondest memories and I know they were special to my siblings as well.
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I don't know how you can explain this to a 12
year old but I think she will understand.
Their mom wasn't a good mom or dad wouldn't
have custody. Some women are just not mom
material. It wouldn't be talking bad about
their mom for you to explain this to her.
Its just the facts. So if she doesn't know
this already enlighten her in a caring,
"this is just the facts" kind of way.
Since they live with you and their dad,
you basically have the mother role. You
help make the rules they live by, you
help enforce those rules.
This leaves their mom only having to be
their "friend", Spending time with her is
a big slumber party. The 14 year old is now
at the age where mom can try to be the best
friend and confidant. Lets go shopping for
you,lets get you a great outfit to impress
that boy you like kind of thing. Mom is
having fun. She simply has more fun with
the 14 year old right now.
It probably couldn't hurt for your
husband to have a little talk with
his ex. Explain to her that she is
hurting her other daughters feelings
behaving this way. It could be she
doesn't have a clue she's doing it.
Its obvious she doesn't know a thing
about mothering children.
Step parents often get thrown into
the role of feeling like the "bad guy".
I want to tell you to hang in there.
They may not always realize it or tell
you right now, but one day those girls
will know who their real mother was all
these years. Just have to get past those
terrible teen years first. :)
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Well my suggestion is to set aside some time for just you and the 12 year old. Some special time just for her. The other kids probably won't mind, and the older one probably won't care seeing as shes getting all her mom's attention anyways. but ya so like I said one day out of the week just do something special with her. Let it be of her choice, watch a movie, go shopping, etc.
Also perhaps you could have a talk with her mother, and let her know how shes making her daughter feel. Of course that depends on how your relationship with her mother is. If its like cats and dogs, then you should just let it go and don't say anything to her.
and if the anger doesn't seem to get better maybe you should take her for some therapy. These kinda mother-daughter relationships can cause a lot of damage, for her to have someone to talk to could help.
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You could bring all of the children for a day out but spoil her in a way, you know just let her have fun and buy her some things just to let her know she is just as special as all of the others.
Buy her presents if she is good and do the same for the others if you are worried about leaving them out and not treating them fairly.
I would talk to your husband about it and she what he thinks, he might talk to the girls mum or maybe he might suggest you talk to her (which ever is better for you and the kids) and tell her what your step daughter has been saying and ask her why she treats her differently.
I can imagine it would be an awful situation to be in and upsetting but try and talk to her and her mother as much as possible and let her know that they are all loved equally by you and your husband even if their mother treats them both diffenrly.
I hope this helps a little.
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