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Razhie. Advicenators Member Since: June 13, 2005. Answers: 5077. Visitors: 211514.
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The Question
Theres a girl i wanted to make out with and play with tomorrow. I had sex a few weeks ago, and about a few days ago i developed some pimples/zits above my penis. I got an hiv test, and i haven't been contacted with the results.
I had a zit a half an inch above my lip
will it be okay to make out with her, and would it be okay if she gave me a handjob? would she catch anything?
The Answer
It would be irresponsible and dishonest of you to allow sexual contact to take place with anyone until you find out what the bumps on your penis are.
How would you feel if someone decided not to tell you about that sort of thing just because they didn't know for sure?
Make out with her all you want, but lay off the heavy petting until you hear from the doctor.
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The Question
My girlfriend only likes to have sex once a week. I dont have a problem with that but sometimes id like to do it more than just once a week. Is it wrong of me to want it more, or is it a problem with me in bed? I dont know how to convince her to do it more.
The Answer
It's perfectly okay for you to want more. Wanting something wont make it happen, but there is nothing wrong with the want.
The only one who can tell you if there is anything wrong with you in bed is your girlfriend.
These are not questions to ask us, these are questions to ask HER.
Ask her if there is a reason she only enjoys sex once a week.
Ask her if there is something you can do that will let her enjoy it more often.
Her opinion, and advice will be far more useful then anything we can offer.
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The Question
My girlfriend and I had sex for the first time yesterday, and I pulled out instead of using a condom (we didn't have one.) The next day she said her stomach hurt, like cramps or a general stomach ache. Either way, I think she is just freaking out, and I'm doing everything to keep her mind off of it and make her happy, but for my own sanity, what should I do, and should I worry about anything? I was basically sure everything would be fine, but with a freaking out girlfriend, I just need some clarity. Thankkkk youuu
The Answer
You had unprotected sex hun, every thing is not fine.
She probably isn't pregnant, but there is a slim chance that she is, no matter how perfectly you excuated your 'pull-out'. That approach is not effective birth control. Different studies have said it fails anywhere from every 1 in 4 or 1 in 5 times. Those are SCARRY odds. She would be brain dead if she wasn't a bit frightened.
You can remind her that having sex put a whole different kind of pressure on her insides then she has experience before, but the simple truth is that she will not truly calm down until her next period comes.
Her justifiable unhappiness and fear should be taken as a clear lesson to you both that unprotected sex is not worth the fear and misery it can cause (not to mention the other possible consequences!)
If you don't have condoms, don't have sex. That should be perfectly clear to you both now.
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The Question
I'm making a corset at home (I know it takes skill and dedication. I've been sewing since I was 10 and I'm pretty nifty at it now & summer just started so I have all the time in the world).
1. Should I make it lace in the front or back? Should I make the non-lacing side just sewn or hooked or the like? Reasonings? Pros and cons of lacing in the front/back?
2. I'm having trouble getting boning and busk (I don't want to make a fashion corset. I'm making one that will effect my body shape) & I'm not going to be able to get them online or good substitutes at a store. I was planning to cut pieces of plastic (I know, it's not the best material) from a plastic top or the like. Or I was thinking about using the metal wire from a hanger (has anyone tried?). Is there anything better?
Thank you & any advice would be appreciated =)
The Answer
1.)1.) Lace in the back for a better fit, by far, a better fit and shape. The only reason to lace in the front is because you like the look (which is okay, but that is only reason to really do it). Do not use hooks and eyes, use proper grommets. The kind of grommets that are used for curtains and upholstery are the strongest and best.
2.) MAKE YOUR LIFE 1000% easier by buying a busk here: http://www.farthingales.on.ca/
There is NO way to fake a metal busk that I know of, and I work in theatre. We specialize in trying to fake these things. If you can't purchase a metal one, best to make a wooden one. http://www.corsetmaking.com/ has some pictures of wooden ones and has them for sale. If you can’t buy one you will need to find someone to help you cut one out of a hardwood piece which can be relatively cheep at any home improvement store.
As far as boning, there is one kind of plastic you can buy that works reasonably well: zip ties. Not the small ones, but the long honking ones for garden work or cables.
That is the best kind of makeshift boning possible, and frankly, even it isn’t strong enough to make a corset that will effectively cinch (i.e. make your waist any smaller). If you try to make plastic boning, even real plastic boning, shrink your waist, the plastic will bend and twist inside the bone casing. Plastic is simply insufficient for a corset to significantly change your waist size. You can get about a half inch off with a corset made with plastic boning, if you want any greater reduction you really must use metal.
Coat hangers will NOT work, and will be a bitch to even try out. Worst of all, they will rust, rip through your fabric and I would bet they will also warp from your body heat after a few wears. Metal boning which is meant for corsets is specially treated and sealed to prevent those problems.
I have built (or helped to build) almost a dozen corsets, a good number of them drafted from scratch and both for modern wear and period costumes, and you simply cannot make one that will reduce your waist by much more then a half inch without the right materials. I’m sure you are a very smart and skilled sewer, but it is just about gravity and materials. You can’t make a chocolate cake out of ground beef, or functional swimsuit out of wool, and you can’t make a really functional corset out of odds and ends.
My advice to you, is to go ahead and make your corset with what you have at your disposal now, but don’t get to disappointed when it isn’t quite as great as you would have liked. For Christmas or your next birthday, ask someone to order you a corset making kit from one of the two sites I gave you links too and you’ll realize just how much more is possible when you have the proper tools and materials at your disposal.
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The Question
I've read online that studies have proven that there is no sperm in pre-cum. The only time there is sperm in pre-cum is if the guy has recently ejaculated and still has leftover sperm in his shaft. If he has recently taken a piss and cleaned it all out then there is most likely no sperm. Anyways, I was wondering what everyone else's opinion is on this. Is this really true? I've read it on more than one webpage and they weren't phoney pages. They were on real pages like sex advice pages run by experts. People say they've gotten pregnant from pre-cum, but what I'm thinking is that was all because they weren't careful about there being leftover sperm in the shaft. I mean pre-cum comes out clear and the ejaculation/cum is always a white color. Lemme know what yall know/think of this.
The Answer
The idea that there is NO sperm at all in pre-ejaculate (if he urinated… ha) is far from proven.
In my opinion, there can be semen in pre-ejaculate. Probably only in very, very small amounts, but it has been proven to be present. I wish I could provide links the articles and evidence however I can’t, and this is why:
Not everything online is current. The most current studies are not available online unless you pay for them, and even then maybe not.
So google is not a good thing to use to find out the most accurate medical information.
Do not make the mistake of thinking, just because it is online, it must be current and up to date. The internet is not a moderated or peer-reviewed source of information. The pages you saw aren’t ‘phony’ they are simply outdated or misinformed.
Find me a peer-reviewed article on semen in pre-cum form the past four years and we’ll talk.
Sadly, it's a very prevalent piece of medical ‘information’, and some studies have supported it as a theory. Specifically people like to cite the Springer Netherlands Study.
So, what is wrong with that study? A few things, in my opinion. First off, it was done in 2003. We have more recent studies that dispute its results. Secondly, they used only 12 subjects, not a wide enough sample to draw firm conclusions on male sexuality. The other two studies commonly cited were not actually studying semen at all but HIV and just made tangential comments that there was very little semen present in pre-cum. NOT ‘no semen’, but ‘very little’. Those studies are from 1993.
So, yes, I think it is rational to believe there can be semen in pre-cum. Perhaps not all the time, and when it is, in very, very small amounts. No one has actually studied whether or not it actually has any connection to a man’s last urination, but in my experience with inaccurate medical information, that sounds to me a lot like a made-up detail that people like to throw in to make their claims sound more creditable then they actually are.
Given the evidence it certainly seems EXTREMLY unlikely that pre-cum could result in a pregnancy, but extremely unlikely is a far cry from impossible.
In the end though, it doesn’t really matter if there is or isn’t sperm in pre-cum. There is HIV and a host of other STIs present. There is the very, very real risk of your male partner not being in prefect control. I don’t care how ‘skilled’ a male claimed to be, I wouldn’t let him play Russian roulette with my fertility thank you very much!
So what do I think/know?
I think that it is rational to believe that sperm can be contained in pre-cum, although it is likely that it very rarely is. I think the studies that are often cited as being ‘proof’ that there is no semen at all are outdated and not providing enough focused study for such a definite conclusion.
I know that is doesn’t really matter. I know that sexual activity is risky, no matter what, and people, teens especially, should use protection for everything from oral sex to full out penetration.
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The Question
i have a problem. sometimes i get so afraid, i get really nervous, and i freak out inside, people can only tell when i talk or walk. when i talk, i start studdering, or my voice is just shakey and when i walk, i stuble into or over things.. it's kind of funny. and i avoid looking people in the eye. i get nervous when i feel people judge me..in a bad way, when i present/ or sing in front of a class/crowd i get nervous- even if the crowd is just three people, i get nervous when driving when i don't know exactly where to go to get to where i'm going, i get nervous when i first meet people(i know everyone does), i get nevous when i talk to really pretty girls, or really hott guys. and i get nevous in many other situations. it's so stupid, and i can't control my nerves. it gets a little better when i get comfortable in the situation, but the fear doesn't go away. i think the source of my fear is from my dad when he use to hit us when i was a kid. when he got the belt out, i would always run, but he always got me in a corner. he hit us with the belt buckle so it really hurt and left bruises. i think once i get afraid, i get in like a survival mode- i can make my breathing soundless to where nobody can hear it, i'm brave but afraid.
i just want to know how i can get over my fear entirely, not just a little and i want to know how to make it stop.
The Answer
You are suffering from anxiety. Sounds like just a general anxiety that colours everything you do and think... The good news is you can deal with it and control it. The bad news is that you probably can't do that all by yourself and it will probably never go away completely.
Anxiety like you are describing is caused by a chemical imbalance in your brain. Although the abuse you suffered as a child might play a part as well, in the end, it is neurochemistry screwing you. Those chemicals in your brain are a good thing most of the time. They help us feel fear when a wolf pounces on us, or when someone waves a gun in our face, or there is a fire in our home. They help us react appropriately to those scary things.
But, if those chemicals are ALWAYS in your brain, then you are going to ALWAYS feel like your house is on fire. It sucks, it's limiting and it's tiring.
You are absolutely right about survival-mode! You are basically stuck in survival mode, all the time, and that sucks.
As a teen I had pretty much the same problem. I didn't go to malls, or drive. I organized my day so that I wouldn't walk through the hallways at their busiest times. I didn't talk to people who scarred me. I did a whole bunch of tiny things to make my life less frightening, and that helped, but it didn't make the feelings go away. In fact, they slowly got worse, and from talking to others with similar problems, it seems like they almost always get worse, until you get outside help.
So, you need see a counselor or a therapist. Having too much anxiety is a bit like having cancer. It’s a real, physical illness that will probably get worse if you leave it alone and just try to ‘deal with it’ yourself. It might get better by itself (just like cancer might!) but that isn’t likely.
I was in therapy for years. In university I actually went back for a little while because I started to get too afraid again. Therapy for my anxiety didn’t just help me, it probably saved my life. The two people I owe the most to in this universe are my mother, and my Cognitive Behavior Therapist.
I also took medication, although I know a lot of people don’t, or don’t like it. I loved it. I didn’t take it forever, but it helped me find out what ‘normal’ felt like. It’s hard to realize the fear is stupid, until you have felt what it is like to live without fear. The right medication can be a useful tool for that.
If you want any more information, or to talk at all about this, you can use the e-mail in my column or ask me a question in my inbox, I’d be happy to talk further.
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The Question
I have been involved for over 17 years with my highschool sweetheart. We have 3 children together. We were married in 2001. I divorced him in 2005, because we both weren't ready for marriage. Spiritually, Mentally, Emotionally or Financially. We didn't communicate and couldn't get alone with each other so we divorced, and gave it some space, while continuing to see one another, regardless of dating other people. Upon continuing to see each other, we grew closer together. I still have some trust issues, as he does as well, yet we talk about them. Sometimes we don't communicate with eachother and become distant only for a week or so and let it cool off and then discuss the issues and move forward. I love him very very much. Abuse used to be an issue of the past on both behalves. We have had counseling and abuse is no longer an issue for either one of us. He has recently asked me to remarry him. I asked him why he wanted to try this again, his answer is because he loves me and because of time. Is time really a factor and should it be considered in my answer? Time was a learning experience for both of us. It was hard, confusing and very painful for both of us, but we have over come and are still overcoming daily. I look at the time as negative, but the over coming as positive. Sorry so long, but need a straight up answer.
The Answer
Go back to counseling, if you aren't already, and ask this question there.
We can't know all the details of 17 year long relationship or even begin to delve into what you two have gone through. That is a lot of time, and a lot of wounds.
You need to have a serious discussion with him about what getting married again means, what both of you feel about it and what will change. That conversation will be best had with a professional third party mediating it, and helping you both be forthright and honest with each other and helping you really hear each other.
Counseling isn�t just for the crisis moments, like abuse, it�s also a good thing for all major life decisions.
It isn't so much about what is the right length of 'time' to think about it is, it's about how you use that time to work closer to your goal. Use the time before you agree to seek out professional guidance and mediation to help you ask the right questions and get the truest answers from you both.
You know already that you have more work to do, even though the work that is already done has been great. Take the time to do the work, ask the questions, and get the help you need to truly make a happy marriage possible or to decide that it isn't possible.
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The Question
i dated this guy for three years on and off
i recently started talking to him after a long while of not talking
i meet up with him at the movies and we messed around there and after wards at his house me knowing he had a girlfriend
now he stopped calling me and dosent reply to my messages on myspace
i did make the mistake of sending him three messages telling him to call me cause i miss him and he replied that he didnt have a phone
so i let it go but then my lil sis visted his profile and read his comments and one of the comments was a message from some girl saying \"well call me in 20 min cause im in the shower\"
i have gained weight like 10 pounds since he last scene me before we went to the movies and i did give it up to him easily when we were out
i dont know if he thinks im a slut or something now but i dont know what to do please help me
i really love him we were together for a long time and i miss talking to him cause there is not other guy like him and
help what should i doooo with him
should i just stop messaging him on myspace and just wait till he calls me
but then i dont want him to think he can have me whenever he wants and i dont want to tell him anything cause he will just laugh at me
The Answer
He has a girlfriend.
You shouldn't have fooled around with him.
You definately shouldn't be calling/messaging him.
Even if you don't know that you shouldn't be doing these things, he does know it.
This isn't about you, or your weight, or whether or not you are a slut, this is about a guy in a relationship!
Leave him alone. Forget about him. He has somebody and that somebody is not you.
You'll never know what he is thinking for certian, but you can realize that he is certainly not interested.
You can only make a fool of yourself by contining to try and contact him. Let it go.
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The Question
My girlfriend and I have been arguing for a long time, mostly about how my dad doesn't know about her. My whole family except my dad knows about her because he's overseas.
She thinks I should just tell him about her, since we hope to get married. The thing is, in my culture, this is very dangerous territory. And I have to choose my moment and words carefully so I don't lose my family for her, or her for my family.
I'm an idealist. Give me a break.
It's always been an issue. The fact that she's so gung ho that we both have to lose something to be together, instead of my approach which is fight to win and keep all you care about.
Point is, we argued over my waiting being inaction, while I said waiting for the right moment and constantly planning for it is doing something to make it work.
She said not to talk to her until I do something (Ie, Tell my dad too soon).
So, my question is, is my relationship screwed at this point, or is there a way that salvagable?
And no, I'm not just going to tell my dad out of the blue. That's a guaranteed way to lose my father, and I'm trying not to lose anyone. After all, how can one be happy if he loses someone he loves just to be with another he loves? That is a tainted love with resentment, and I'd rather die than live my life resenting someone I love.
male 26
The Answer
/EDIT IN RESPONSE TO FEEDBACK:
Not American, but tolerant enough of people in the universe not to use thier citizenship as an insult or to try to remove value from thier opinion.
I am NOT ignoring the cultural instituation.
I am CHOOSING not to place it in as much value as you are. I CHOOSE not to address it, because you didn't mention what culture you belonged too, so I couldn't address it specifically, and because your question was not 'how to deal' with your father, your question was if, and how, to salvage your relationship.
Both of our choices are perfectly valid here. My choice to de-value the cultural aspect, clear in my advice, would be what makes this relationship salvagable (as per your question).
As I said later in my advice, you can't do that and place the cultural expectation and instutition in a place in your life that is conductive to you moving forward and mainting your independance and relationship with your girlfriend, then you need to respectfully end this relationship completely.
IF that is your choice, this relationship probably can't continue.
It's an okay choice to make, It isn't the one I would make and not the one I advise you to make, but you are free to decide that this cultural institution, and the consequences for going agianst it, are of move value to you then salvaging this particular relationship.
That is OK! That is an OK choice to make. But if that is the choice, respectfully dump her and realize you have just as much ownership for the end of this relationship as she does.
At 26 you need to figure out where these 'cultural instituations' reside in your life and how important they are. If they are this important to you, that you would loose a women you love over them, then you should probably only date people your father would approve of in the future. You can't hide a relationship forever, so that is just common sense to get into relationships that you don't feel the need to hide.
/
If this argument has been going on for a 'long time' then I am afraid I do need to side with your girlfriend. If this argument about not telling him has gone on for this long, then you have had plenty of time to MAKE (not to find, but to MAKE) the right moment to let your father know.
You need to realize she isn�?�¢??t the bad guy here (well, she might be the �?�¢??bad guy�?�¢?? for all I know, but she isn�?�¢??t the �?�¢??bad guy�?�¢?? on this particular issue. Her reaction is a bit extreme, but justifiable if this is a relationship you are considering making long-term.)
No matter who it was you were seeing, her or some other random chick, sooner or later you would need to loop your dad in and take the risk of loosing him. That isn't a product of this relationship, that is a product of YOUR CHOICE to be in this relationship. Either face your choice head-on, with as much rational preparation as possible, or be very justly accused of not taking action and dithering.
Here is an exercise for you: Write down 5 things that would make it the RIGHT TIME to tell you Dad. Make them as specific as possible.
Do it now. Before reading further please.
Now, beside each thing, seriously consider if that will EVER happen, and if it will, what would be a rational period of time to expect it to happen in. (You are not allowed to use 'Don't Know.' more then once.)
Now as yourself these two questions:
Will my idea of the RIGHT TIME ever really exist?
Will the time period that I expect for the RIGHT TIME to take be a fair amount of time to ask my girlfriend to wait for the recognition of our relationship that is so deeply important to her?
Regardless of what your five things are, or the answers to those questions are, you need to begin to recognize that you are making choices, a choice to be with this girl and a choice that is hurting your girlfriend and one she has clearly stated is not acceptable to her. That doesn�?�¢??t make her a bad person. That makes her an honest person.
You also need to realize that RIGHT TIMEs only exist in chemistry and baking. In our lives we have to make it the BEST TIME we can, take a risk and move forward with it. Anything else is mindless, moronic idealism, inaction and fearful dithering.
If you can�?�¢??t MAKE the moment, respectfully break up with this girl.
If you can�?�¢??t MAKE the moment and not resent her for being honest with you about her needing it, respectfully break up with this girl, because that is your baggage, not hers.
If you want to MAKE this relationship salvageable, go back to your girlfriend with your lists and the answers to the questions I asked you earlier and talk it out. For the best results, go to her with a solid plan to MAKE the BEST MOMENT you can, and to tell your father the truth about your choice in life.
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The Question
Basically, I was stabbed in the back by an ex-girlfriend long after we broke up and stayed friends. And I'm tired of being slanderized for no reason when I go out of my way to avoid her every day of my life.
So, how can I get back at her in a way that's legal, and not going to cause true harm (like pain or death)?
I know I want revenge, but I want it with honor.
The Answer
There is no such thing as honorable revenge. It's like saying you want a 'smaller infinite'.
Revenge fantasies are normal. The DESIRE is healthy and by all means think about it as much as you want. It's only human to want things to be 'fair' and to set things right according to some universal truth.
Wanting to ‘get even’ is fine, but you have to recognize that it is mathematically impossible to ‘get even’ with a scoundrel without becoming a scoundrel. That is grade school math for you.
Beyond simply becoming what you hate, which lets face it, is kind of fun and the stuff of good novels… Revenge will make you look bad. Lame, idiotic, immature and scummy. You will feel 'misunderstood', but in actuality you will look terrible to anyone who knows about it. When you look bad to people, you feel worse, not better.
Also, truly twisted people enjoy having vengeance taken on them. It lets them know they still get to you, they get to see you sweat, and they have yet more evidence that the universe revolves around them, because even their ex is still focused on them! They wont ‘learn their lesson’, they will only learn what they want to learn and what they want to learn probably has to do with how great they personally are and how justified they were in treating you like shit!
I am not telling you not take revenge on them because it’s the right thing to do, I’m telling you not to because it simply doesn’t work.
You aren’t going to teach her a lesson (except that she is special and you are still obsessed with her) and you aren’t going to achieve universal justice (it’s an impossibility) and you probably aren’t even going to feel better afterwards (because no one will be impressed, and even if no one knows it is mathematically impossible for you to be impressed with yourself for very long unless you are as petty a human begin as she is).
Depending on her behavior, you might have some sort of recourse to take, but revenge, even the impossible ‘honorable revenge’ isn’t going to be successful.
In the end, if you are the better person you need to find better things to do.
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The Question
I have a question - obviously in a relationship between 2 people there are going to be differences with each of the persons values and tastes, lifestyles etc.
Now you always hear of people saying "im not changing, this is who i am, take it or leave it" kinda thing. But on the other side to that you also hear of people changing things to compromise or for the benefit of their partner.
I need advice on what is the best school of thought - acceptance of everything as is, or compromise?
For example i bought some shoes my BF didnt like and refused to let me wear them so I called him controlling. But on the other side i ask him to come to bed with me at the same time cos i need some intimacy in our relationship and he says that is me controlling him in the same way he is controlling with telling me what shoes to not wear.
Please give me advice!
The Answer
Why can't you be accepting AND disagree at the same time.
Why can't you be honest about your own self AND compromise.
The correct response to your boyfriends dislike of your shoes isn't to call him controling, it's to camly refuse to BE controlled. Accept his opinion, and stay open to compromise, but decide for yourself if his opinion is going to change your behavoir or not.
This is how you respond to him: "Wow. I geuss you really don't like these shoes. I'll keep you opinion in mind, but I do like them, so I'm still gonna wear them sometimes."
Of course, this sort of thing doesn't work on topics that ACTUALLY MATTER, like views on marriage, abortion and religion, but on petty things like shoes, it's the only way to go.
Both of your need to stop handing out orders and start making requests and sharing your feelings. No one wants to be ordered around. People are more willing to compromise and respect different opinions when they are put to them gently as requests, not as expectations or rules to obey.
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The Question
my boyfriend has been smoking for years. so i started doing like, 1 every few days just to tell him that i smoked so he wouldnt feel so bad about it. well now im addicted to it. i have 3/4 of a pack left and my friend keeps telling me she can get me more but shes lying. shes not even trying and i figured that out last night.
im not saying i wanna quit? im just saying i have plenty of money and i can sfford cigs right now, i just dunno how to get them. my parents dont smoke. and my bf is grounded righ now. hes going to be grounded until the 30th and he usually supplies me. i give him like, 20 and he gets his brother to go to the drugstore and get some. i have no problem with that, its just that i have a problem with paying for HIS cigs, mine, and his brothers. this is my cash. and i use it to get MY share. no one knows i smoke except for my bf, my bf's friend, my friend vicky and my other half-friend whitney. i cant get anymore from my boyfriend cause my dad wants him to start coming over here more cause he thinks that we have been having sex or something.
dumb parents.
anyways, does anyone know of like any type of gas station that'll actually sell cigs to minors? or like any ideas on how to get some without letting your parents know or letting anyone else know? thanks.
P.S. DONT TELL ME TO QUIT CAUSE IM NOT GONNA. SO IF YOUR JUST GONNA SAY THAT, SAVE IT. I DONT WANNA HEAR IT.
The Answer
You are asking for advice on how to break the law. We can't answer that, it's agianst the rules here.
Anyone who answers this question with the kind of information you want, will be banned.
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The Question
What do I do?!?!?! I have a very competitive sister that is seven whole years younger than me and wants to be better than me in all ways. It's so irritating! I play three instruments- she has to learn how to play four before she'll be satisfied. She doesn't even really care how well, just as long as she can say she plays them. We're reading books. She has to be on a chapter number ahead of me or finish the book first, never mind that mine is five times longer than hers. We're eating ice cream. She has to finish hers first and then look at me like she's just accomplished something. Grades. She has to brag about getting stright A's, even though she's only in Elementary school and I remember school never being a challenge then. When we go shopping, she has to convince our parents to buy more stuff than for me. I'm learning Spanish and I simply cannot roll my r's, but she has been able to do that for years, and it seems like she takes every opportunity to exhibit her talent in the face of my failure, grinning at her superiority all the while. This sort of thing applies to Christmas presents, money that we made over the summer, childhood pets, everything!!! The list goes on and on- I am getting so fed up with it! I'm positive that neither of us is getting any enjoyment out of this, me because I'm being distracted from the things that I want to do, and her because she's always trying to beat me. The sad thing is, I feel like she's getting special treatment. I was oly allowed to learn to play two instruments when I was her age- she can play four? I had to ride the bus every day of my education until I could drive. With one complaint about the bus on her first day of school, she gets a personal cheauffer day and night. I was made to enter cross country in school, and wasn't allowed to do what I loved (Theatre) until high school, and she is allowed to be involved in- you guessed it- more than I ever was. What is up with this?!?! I am so fed up with it, and I just want her to do her own thing and excel in that, rather than trying to beat me at everything. She's not beating me in quality, I daresay, but Everything is about numbers to her. How can I put a stop to it? I don't want to fight with her, but I feel like I could explode on her any day now.
The Answer
You can't stop it flat out. You can only ignore it.
I have three younger sisters, and they all did something like that, at some point, sometimes with me and sometimes with each other. It's normal, it's natural and it's a pain in the ass.
Try to separate that fact you think your parents are spoiling her (they probably are, and from one big sister to another, there is NOTHING you can do about it) and the fact she is competing with you.
Those problems are two, very separate problems. So don't let them get all jumbled in your mind.
It might help you out a bit to talk to your parents about how you feel like she is getting more then you were at that age. It won’t change anything, but it might help you feel a bit better to know that it is simply because they are different people and parents then they were when you were younger. That is just the curse of being the eldest; you are the one they experiment with. Sometimes that means you get things your siblings don't, other times it means you siblings get things you don't. But all it really means is that your parents changed their minds about how they feel like parenting. There is nothing you can do about that except realize it has nothing at all to do with you as a person, it’s all about their changing opinions.
The best thing you can do about the competition is ignore it, and not feed into it. There is NO reason for you tell her extra details on your life if she is only going to use them as a benchmark. There is no reason for her to know how much money you have made, or what chapter you are on in a book. When she asks or pries, try talking about the CONTENT instead of the quantitative numbers she craves. Tell her what you like, or don’t like about your job or book, and ask her to share her feelings. She will still try to compete of course, but at least that way you are inviting her to communicate, and sooner or later, she might just try it.
The last thing to remember is that ‘your thing’ might turn out to be her thing too. I ended up going to university for Theatre, and so did my sister. Turns out what I thought was ‘My Thing’ was very much ‘Our Thing’ and instead of competing over it, now we get to communicate about it, collaborate and share.
Remember that is the end goal. So keep shutting down the competition. Keep ignoring it. Refusing to give her the information, and walking away from it. But keep talking to her too. Someday she will probably catch on that she can learn a lot from you if she would only stop competing with you.
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The Question
lets say youre in this situation. (its also mine..)
from grade 1 to 9, you had nearly straight As. you were an overachiever. your parents were proud of you. stress never got to you.
in the 10th grade, you were SOO tired of always getting the straight As and the stress got to you so much, that you just completely let yourself go. you always felt like sleeping, you would go days without eating..and days where you ate too much. you never felt like doing homework anymore and felt the need to look at the mirror and look perfect for a boyfriend more than doing work in school. you've found that you're losing friends and your grades slip slowly...to a point where you're getting Cs instead of the As you thought you would get in certain subjects. you only do what is easy for you and you dont even study for tests. you finished the year off...normally. average. not as the overachiever straight A for final grade person you used to be.
would you think this is depression? why would this happen to a person who has never done bad in anything..? all of a sudden? it just doesnt make any sense to me! I'm slowly getting better and hopefully will get back on track by next year. But I don't know what happened to me. What would you think?
16/f.
The Answer
I don't need to pretend to have been in that situation, I was in that situation, although it took until grade 11 to hit me.
Unless you think you are depressed or miserable all the time, I would bet that was was happening was just you taking the time to experiment. You are a teenager and your main job (which is fair more important then your grades or your looks or your friends) is figuring out who you are!
You tried out some different priorities for a while and that helped you see how important some things (and some people) really were to you. That really isn't anything to be ashamed of or to beat yourself up about (and certainly not to think you have a mental illness because of!)
If you find you can't lift yourself out of your doldrums and can't move forward, then take the time to see your doctor or school counselor, but unless this gets worse, instead of better, I think you are probably safe to just call it a learning phase in life, and move on from there.
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The Question
There's this guy who I was close with for a while, then after holidays he got a girlfriend (like 5 months ago)
Before they started going out, we talked a lot, and joked around.
Now when he's with his girlfriend, he ignores me completely!
Like he looks right through me! wtf?
But when his girlfriend isn't around, he's always jokey and nice talking to me again.
Usually when I see him around school as a joke we kinda knuckle punch :P
Once he walked by with his girlfriend and he lifted up his hand to knuckle punch when his girlfriend wasn't looking..
Wtf.
Also in history class, instead of asking the people around him, he asks me for a pen, even though I'm 4 seats away...
But before history class he stands there with his girlfriend and he completely ignores me..
What do you think is going on??
The Answer
He hasn't figured out how to have a girlfriend AND friends who happen to be girls.
Cut him some slack about it though. Lots of teens, guys and girls, aren't quite sure how to act when they get into a relationship. He might have some feelings for you, or he might not, but he definately is a bit confused on how to treat you now that he has a girlfriend.
Either accept it and shrug it off or else tell him "Hey, I'm just your friend right? I feel like you ignore me and try to hide our friendship from your girlfriend. That isn't cool, or mature. Cut it out."
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The Question
Which is better, to stick with a relationship that has so many up and down moments due to the sheer differences in personality, religion, and God knows what else, simply because you don't want to look back and say you didn't give it your all, or to stop feeling trapped by a relationship that increasingly seems to be falling apart.
20's, male.
The Answer
Time and experience makes these decisions for you.
Each person in this world has a threshold and different emotional needs. There are the easy to spot dealbreakers, like infediality and abuse, but for problems a bit less obvious then those you need to rely on your personal judgement and past experience.
If you are STIL in the relationship, it would be fair to say that the time to give up on it is 'not quite yet'.
Have some faith in yourself. When you have given all you can give and can't take any more, then you are ready to break up. When you break up, you are ready too to do it. No reason to examine every decision or wait for the 'right time'. The right time is something you have to make and decide on your own.
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The Question
My friend's mom said that I couldn't dye my hair at her house. I did it anyway. My friend helped me dye it, too. She must have let some of it drip onto the hard wood floor, and her mom got very mad at me and said I had to pay for it. I brought over cleaning supplies and took the spots out of the floor, though.
I got a phonecall a few days later from my friend's mom. She said that the towel that I used when drying my hair got dye on it. She also said that she used that towel on her $100 swimsuit and it is now covered in hair dye and ruined. The swimsuit is a year old, and only the bottom piece is "ruined".
What do I do? I don't have $100 to give to replace a year old swimsuit. And I honestly think that she put stuff on her swimsuit just to get a new swimsuit for free.
The Answer
You need to believe the mother and her version of events, although it certainly sounds like a bit of a cash grab. You still went directly against her wishes, and you knew it. So it's your honesty and reputation that is questionable now, not your friend’s mom.
In your position, this is what I would do: Write a letter sincerely apologizing for breaking her rule and admitting that it was a dishonest and irresponsible thing to do (it was). Include $50.
Mention to your friend, but not her mother, that she is one who should be chipping in the other $50 dollars. She knew it was against the house rules. She lives there with this woman. The mistake is as much hers, if not more, then it is yours. Encourage her, as your friend, to take responsibility for her part in this situation and remove some of the heat from you by taking her share of the blame and financial burden.
Often a cash settlement is not so much about accurately repairing the damage done (in this case, the damage to the swim suit and towel) but is about an acknowledgment of guilt and an apology. Your friend’s mother is certainly owed that much.
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The Question
I was drunk that night i text her and when i drink i come out of my shell and speak the truth about my self. so i text my friend letting her know that i still like her but want to get over her. we text for 7 hours about her confused sexuality and me trying to respect myself. but after i ask her "you dont like me more than a friend right?" she relpyed :"not as of now sorry i see you as a sister." what does she mean not as of now? and why she kept texting me after i ask her that question? i had to cut off the texting because i wanted to sleep i text "sorry i bug you i just want to get over you" she reply "its fine, i am okay with it" i hope she is okay that i want to get over her.
we know each other for 7 years, she is a touchy close person to me.
she doesnt want to have a relationship yet she wants to finish college.
i am bi sexual.
The Answer
Stop torturing yourself.
Surely you've realized by now that your current approach these years of crushing isn't working.
Stop asking these question of us.
Stop asking these question of HER!
Nothing she says is going to help you move on. Silence and distance will help you.
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The Question
I will be going for a personal interview for a fashion design college soon. Can anyone tell me what kinda make up i should put on? And also, i want to know what kind of clothes,accesories and shoes i should wear.
Thanks a bunch.
Muah!
The Answer
I absolutely cannot help myself. I have to point out the irony of you wanting to attend a fashion design school and asking for advice on what to wear and how to do your makeup.
Not that there is anything wrong with asking for input, but what the interviewers really want to see is orginality! Self-expression! The ability to lead the fashion pack, not follow trends.
Seriously, don't take other people's word for what is hot right now. Dress and do your make-up modestly enough to be proffessional (ie. don't let it all hang out and don't overdo the make-up), but other then that, wear what YOU think works for you and what YOU think is fashion.
They want people who can think for themselves, take risks with thier fashion and yes, even make mistakes. They don't want people who follow what other people think is trendy. So really seize this oppertunity to express yourself through your clothing!
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The Question
24/m.
Point is, while highly drugged on my meds, I did something really stupid with another girl.
I already apologized to my girlfriend years ago, and she has stayed with me still, but she keeps bringing it up and going on how I have yet to prove my trust now.
I know I did wrong, and I've done everything to make up for it. But seriously, when a man has all but forsaken his family and friends just because she basically wants him to, doesn't that warrant finally letting it go?
I know you all are going to get on my case for doing it in the first place, but I'm asking if I've made up for it (not arguing that I did wrong, I just want to know if I'm just being abused now).
The Answer
Choices are choices, no matter how you slice 'em up.
A while ago, you made a choice do 'something really stupid', however impaired you were by medication.
You then made a choice to apologize to your partner and move forward with them.
You made a choice to 'all but forsake' your family and friends.
You are now choosing to stay with your partner.
You can't MAKE her let it go. She doesn't have to let it go! It might be rational and fair for her too, but she's entitled to her feelings all the same. The only thing you can control is your own choices.
You could talk this out with her, and you can both choose to move forward togeather and leave the constant reminders of the past behind you.
You could choose to leave her.
Or you could choose to go on just the way things are and stay miserable with her.
Her inabilty to let this go doesn't make her a 'bad, bad person' but it might make this a bad relationship for you to be in.
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