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I think we semi-broke up
My girlfriend and I have been arguing for a long time, mostly about how my dad doesn't know about her. My whole family except my dad knows about her because he's overseas.
She thinks I should just tell him about her, since we hope to get married. The thing is, in my culture, this is very dangerous territory. And I have to choose my moment and words carefully so I don't lose my family for her, or her for my family.
I'm an idealist. Give me a break.
It's always been an issue. The fact that she's so gung ho that we both have to lose something to be together, instead of my approach which is fight to win and keep all you care about.
Point is, we argued over my waiting being inaction, while I said waiting for the right moment and constantly planning for it is doing something to make it work.
She said not to talk to her until I do something (Ie, Tell my dad too soon).
So, my question is, is my relationship screwed at this point, or is there a way that salvagable?
And no, I'm not just going to tell my dad out of the blue. That's a guaranteed way to lose my father, and I'm trying not to lose anyone. After all, how can one be happy if he loses someone he loves just to be with another he loves? That is a tainted love with resentment, and I'd rather die than live my life resenting someone I love.
male 26
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/EDIT IN RESPONSE TO FEEDBACK:
Not American, but tolerant enough of people in the universe not to use thier citizenship as an insult or to try to remove value from thier opinion.
I am NOT ignoring the cultural instituation.
I am CHOOSING not to place it in as much value as you are. I CHOOSE not to address it, because you didn't mention what culture you belonged too, so I couldn't address it specifically, and because your question was not 'how to deal' with your father, your question was if, and how, to salvage your relationship.
Both of our choices are perfectly valid here. My choice to de-value the cultural aspect, clear in my advice, would be what makes this relationship salvagable (as per your question).
As I said later in my advice, you can't do that and place the cultural expectation and instutition in a place in your life that is conductive to you moving forward and mainting your independance and relationship with your girlfriend, then you need to respectfully end this relationship completely.
IF that is your choice, this relationship probably can't continue.
It's an okay choice to make, It isn't the one I would make and not the one I advise you to make, but you are free to decide that this cultural institution, and the consequences for going agianst it, are of move value to you then salvaging this particular relationship.
That is OK! That is an OK choice to make. But if that is the choice, respectfully dump her and realize you have just as much ownership for the end of this relationship as she does.
At 26 you need to figure out where these 'cultural instituations' reside in your life and how important they are. If they are this important to you, that you would loose a women you love over them, then you should probably only date people your father would approve of in the future. You can't hide a relationship forever, so that is just common sense to get into relationships that you don't feel the need to hide.
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If this argument has been going on for a 'long time' then I am afraid I do need to side with your girlfriend. If this argument about not telling him has gone on for this long, then you have had plenty of time to MAKE (not to find, but to MAKE) the right moment to let your father know.
You need to realize she isn�?�¢??t the bad guy here (well, she might be the �?�¢??bad guy�?�¢?? for all I know, but she isn�?�¢??t the �?�¢??bad guy�?�¢?? on this particular issue. Her reaction is a bit extreme, but justifiable if this is a relationship you are considering making long-term.)
No matter who it was you were seeing, her or some other random chick, sooner or later you would need to loop your dad in and take the risk of loosing him. That isn't a product of this relationship, that is a product of YOUR CHOICE to be in this relationship. Either face your choice head-on, with as much rational preparation as possible, or be very justly accused of not taking action and dithering.
Here is an exercise for you: Write down 5 things that would make it the RIGHT TIME to tell you Dad. Make them as specific as possible.
Do it now. Before reading further please.
Now, beside each thing, seriously consider if that will EVER happen, and if it will, what would be a rational period of time to expect it to happen in. (You are not allowed to use 'Don't Know.' more then once.)
Now as yourself these two questions:
Will my idea of the RIGHT TIME ever really exist?
Will the time period that I expect for the RIGHT TIME to take be a fair amount of time to ask my girlfriend to wait for the recognition of our relationship that is so deeply important to her?
Regardless of what your five things are, or the answers to those questions are, you need to begin to recognize that you are making choices, a choice to be with this girl and a choice that is hurting your girlfriend and one she has clearly stated is not acceptable to her. That doesn�?�¢??t make her a bad person. That makes her an honest person.
You also need to realize that RIGHT TIMEs only exist in chemistry and baking. In our lives we have to make it the BEST TIME we can, take a risk and move forward with it. Anything else is mindless, moronic idealism, inaction and fearful dithering.
If you can�?�¢??t MAKE the moment, respectfully break up with this girl.
If you can�?�¢??t MAKE the moment and not resent her for being honest with you about her needing it, respectfully break up with this girl, because that is your baggage, not hers.
If you want to MAKE this relationship salvageable, go back to your girlfriend with your lists and the answers to the questions I asked you earlier and talk it out. For the best results, go to her with a solid plan to MAKE the BEST MOMENT you can, and to tell your father the truth about your choice in life.
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